"Owning micro)machine is like crucifying kittens"
"How about we start discussing my Small Game Hunters now?
I found it halirious when I got the same type of response every time I play on it."
"Hey I hardly have any minerals left. Are you sure this is BGH$$$?"
"Hey I got jipped!"
"U C*CK-SUC*ING AS*HOLE U CHANGE THE MAP MOTHE*FU**KER!!!!"
"so you just mindlessly macro? fine. let the ignorant feed on their own putrid filth."
"so yes, we aer the elitie. you are the peasants, the mindless bottom sucking scum, whom we step on
and generally ignore. =)"
"You don't have to be korean to beat your protoss, because you collapse under heavy metal like an old woman with a broken hip."
"Psyonic_Reaver: It's getting harder for me to sleep as Blizzcon approaches. I wonder if this is what waiting for your wedding night feels like... The feeling of finally being able to
get laid. That is how I feel right now.
Mattzarella: For your sake I hope you don't blurt out 'For Aiur!' the first time you have sex."
"Quotation from the Book of Eldritch;
'And the lord spake thusly; 'Thou shalt have a Carrier, and thou shalt destroy many. And in this holy baptism by fire, thou shalt freeth many souls of their unholy bondage to such evil cults as the Aurorans, the Polaris. Then, thou shalt be raised above all, to such heights as thou darest not dream.' And then EldritchEvil, cowering before the lord, spake thusly; 'Indeed, O Lord, I shalt do as thou asks. And many shalt fear my name.' -1:9 Book of Eldritch"
"mazel tov bitches"
"I have to admit I don't know a whole lot about this guy, cept that I obsed a few games with him, in which he's been suspiciously quiet. He seems to be very gm - perhaps a little overly so - and actually destroyed his scvs, floating his CC away over the nearest sea. Meanwhile I opted to scv dance round the closest geyser."
"I perform better with a larger, bulkier ship . . . ."
"Don't really get the game and this monitor is darker than my dog's ass (if you need to ask...) but I'd still give it a 9 on account of the high writing quality."
"Those who cannot play become reporters...those who cannot report become raters ;)"
"This was the biggest fucking collection of stupid since a TheAngel report."
"SuingForDamages will end up being the next YRM.
3 years from now we'll all laugh at this report!
Oh wait, we already are laughing."
"this is so fucking bad I want to kill myself and then in my will leave a request to have you banned from the internet."
"Here's one guy who's really improved as of late - at the expense of his girlfriend, his academics, his job, his weight and his haircut."
"i support a woman's right to give me head"
"Mondragon definetly had the psycological advantage now, a classic side-effect of being absolutely badass."
"Never ‘REALLY’ piss me off."
"My opponent was good, my micro was bad, but cash is king."
"Newb Eye for the SC Guy"
"Jap is a racist slur which I believe is an insult towards jewish people."
"blah blah 9 blah blah"
"ive been thinking about doing this for a living. being professionally good looking."
"half the text and all the pictures/html is dags, but scn gets credit for the report
dag is owned."
"Pretty good for a gay drunk."
"+1 for all the gay references"
"most of the time when im dealing with hurricanes im thinking about 'where is that moisture going to go? how will it affect the jetstream troughs and ridges? Will I ever have sex again?'"
"Brooke proceeded to plunge herself further in illiteracy by placing such words as "AW", "AF", and
"NA". For her sake, I accepted "Na" because it's an abbreviation in the elements table."
-mattzarella's Fun in the Sun
"mattzarella: GIVE ME ALT TEXT PLZ
SmarterChild: I don't think I'm comfortable with that."
"Unfortunately, the evil Protoss military-industrial complex had so heavily polluted the SCV's normal migratory pathway with cannons that not one made it to the mating grounds."
"1 Korean down, 6 to go."
"I NEED PENIS"
"for the love of all things good and holy, please, please, please enjoy the report, because I have extremely low self esteem and desperately need the approval of you, the wonderful person on the other end of my internet connection."
"There was a rather large thread, devoted to the unveiling of Blizzard's plans for Starcraft 2.
"Neat," I thought to myself, "I'll probably have to check that out when it gets released."
Then, as I thought about it a little bit more, I began to realize the significance of a sequel to the best video game ever made, and promptly orgasmed all over my keyboard."
"I know you're probably sad, because now you have to go back to watching Star Trek and hanging out with your mom. But don't worry, it'll be okay. Maybe one day down the road I'll get bored again. And maybe on that day, I'll write another battle report. Maybe even with someone as gay (but hot) as Dag again. Or maybe I'll die of liver problems at 25."
"..Grrr casting 9,074 (rough estimate) Perfect Storms starring George Clooney wasn't going to save this one."
"At this point in the game, Lithium_ still has a chance. Just kidding."
"listen kid if u judge everyone by spelling ur an ingorent moron"
"this would be halfway interesting and funny if the whole fake cybersex thing wasn't so played out already."
"There, that's fulfilled my battlereporting desires for the next few years. Back to rating and writing giant comments that no one in their right mind will ever read."
"Drintr: How far are you willing to go to be named "The Rook?"
Mattzarella: I will make out with Endersshadow, but I don't think I would go to third base.
Drintr: Don't know him well enough?
Matzarella: He told me he was saving himself for Jaood."
"It's really a historical moment in my life, this game; I feel strongly that it has altered the course of my intelligence flow for good. Brooke, who is the aforementioned village idiot, took her first turn with pride. She placed down three letters - A, W, T, following an N, which spells 'NAWT.'"
"Lucky is an entrenched presence on battlereports.com (much like Saddam before the fall)."
"1v1 NO CANADIANS"
"Meanwhile, Fungee executes the one and only strat he's rumoured to have mastered. The cannon wallin. Although he botches the attempt slightly, Mother Teresa might give him a C+ for effort."
"A true veteran - grizzled, weathered, and battered by one too many plasma bolts to retain his fertility, Mep is the ultimate God of Nohunters"
"those jokes were sick you acted like a very big baby in this report and need to grow up"
"i dont deserve to be banned. granted, i do say gay shit, and make gay posts, but still."
"After losing the few units he had to Jpaik's Carriers, Lithium_ leaves the game, realizing that there is no hope for him or his religion. Oh well, he probably has some baking to do anyways."\\ -SCN
"Finally, Jpaikman is left with one solitary outpost, much like Berlin at the close of the Second World War. Sadly, Berlin gets hopelessly raped by Guardians from the South and white cruisers from the North."
"This has been a GAY production."
"I guess this is the kind of stuff that most reporters generally gloss over in a single sentence, but I took a lot of screenshots of me blowing up random spaceships and I'm damned if I'm not going to use them."
"New tactic: evade, don't attack. A Canadian strategy that has worked for decades."
"Don't question me, I'm like a walking Stephen Hawking."
"I AM BS"
"all vs badme"
"Check your ledge, or risk checking into smackdown hotel later. Right T_Mac?"
"...And eventually he massed forces, quashing my main like a frozen garden slug in the tread of a Mack truck."
"He asked if he should upgrade his vehicle weapons. I asked what they were at at the moment. He said 0. I said yes :)"
"D-matrixed Ultralisks, D-matrixed Battle Cruiser, D-matrixed DTs, see a pattern here?"
"In fact the wounds inflicted by these mines were so horrible that the other terran commanders morality forbade them from using the wicked things. Much to Vegas's satisfaction."
"Attack with just land troops! Be a man! Don't attack with your BCs!"
"I bought these damn battle cruiser's and I am going to use them!"
"Have fun with that last gateway, you're gonna need it"
"Valks shred through wraiths and mutalisks like they're made of aluminum foil (in fact, I think wraiths ARE made of aluminum foil)"
"If you don't think this is appropriate for the site Johnny, leave me a little comment, and I'll pretend someone is stealing my name."
-.Praetor, before beginning to write Phoenix Legion Chronicles
"Against this sort of power, the heroic Terran force is no match, and every marine goes down in a blaze of glory (while every medic sort of splits apart in an icky way, eeeew)."
"The two Terran commanders are captured alive, and subjected to whatever fiendish new experimental torture methods that Kerrigan has devised. Some of which no doubt involve tickling."
"I'd like to congratulate Worry2 for slappin' me around liked a red-headed stepchild."
"I've never played Heartcutter because I think he's afraid of me."
"I'll kill the first one to attack me."
"...and just as the step is taken, Heartcutter swings a full force elbow into the bridge of Mark4's nose."
"The spell that time forgot...Hallucination."
"Taking 12:00 was an ethically clean question. The zerg were going to get theirs as well. "
"I can't write [battlereports] like this too often, or my wife and Great Dane/Dobermann mix puppy are gonna hang me by my nuts."
"If I see anymore monkeys trying to say that this disproves imbalance I'm going to have to crack some skulls ..."
"But then I'm rated under 1000, and he's rated around 1200, so I'll shut up now."
"...the eight probe drop is a highly effective technique, and I recommend it to everyone who plays YRM =]."
"It's not about winning in FFA, it's revenge."
"This report is ok"
-Smoked Pork, on YRM's WW3FFA reports.
"What in God's name possessed you to think I could write as well as that?"
"A SC player craves not these things."
"Mark4 is scary indeed."
"FLS, I will hunt you down to the ends of the earth. There is no place small, dark, and damp enough to hide your wretched carcass. And when I find you, your grandson will rather have his private parts infested with the fleas of a thousand camels than hear of your horrible fate."
"We all know the bengalaas is the most noble beast in existance!"
"To each player I give a "Gold Balls" rating, for having some balls to do this."
"YRM stop posting reports, your making mine look even more like crap."
"Fractal_Wave thinking that it's an accomplishment to barely beat me in Broodwar.."
"Let's all take a moment to bask in the scintillant glow of our acquired mediocrity."
"...believe me, I eat this shit up..."
"I've never said this before about a player who loses to 8 probe drops but YRM=god"
"permission to warp in sexy-bengalaas for this"
"Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated."
"Mark4 is just very happy that he got the race he picked before the game started."
"War, like you've never before experienced, is about to spring shut it's gruesome jaws around silence's fragile neck."
"not fucxking agains"
"Mark4 WAS still trying to think of ways to micromanage a single observer to victory."
"Comment 1 is MINE ALL MINE!@!"
"Us 27 year olds are like fine wine. Er wait..I'm not really that good, so never mind..."
"But he lags like a government worker"
"But I'm tenacious."
"YRM, don't have sex with PR, he has herpies"
"Oh, yes. I'm 16 and a hermit living in the mountains of Tibet giving credence to the tales of Yeti."
"I'd like you to know that if I had saved even one probe from the death of my last mineral only nexus (after having my probes ensnared and then getting to fight cracklings with them) I was planning on putting "The Imperial March" by John Williams on the stereo and microing the robotic little bastard to victory."
"It's not my name... it's what I am. I am your role model Mr. Potty Mouth Name."
"All the best, Fract... er YourRoleModel"
"If a picture is worth 1000 words... how many comments are there here now?"
"There is only one solution. Mark4 and YRM vs AQD3 and ?? in a battle royale!"
"Bah! Me and YRM would kill AQD3 and this ?? joker =]."
"This is my favourite br ever. Even though I understand none of the units"
"If you designed AOK I'm looking for a job as a Bad Ass. For the small salary of $250,000 a year and generous stock options "I will surf the net and act cool."
"A Server split just as I was about to enter a YRM game and into history..."
"w/o upgrades ultras aree 4-ton sacks of shit"
"Lings are sexy, especially with the penis gland upgrade, and when they are super fast (if you know what i mean heh heh heh...)"
"Holy shit it worked"
"I'll be afk for a while...gotta grab a snack. Lurkers aren't very filling."
"The last game I played with Parno, there were so many queens that he could have set up a matriarchy in every industrialized country and still had enough to play chess."
"A lone observer spells their doom, as the wraiths crumble to corsairs like an origami bird in a trash compactor."
"I sucked. Write that down."
"Unfortunately, guardians do not do nearly as well against carriers as he thought"
"We won't win because CattleBruiser is good"
"KGB special tactic: Marines vs D-temp without cloak detection"
"With experience, you'll learn exactly how far you can go against a DT rusher. Then you'll be able to kick him in the nuts."
"Plan to smack him around when you're ready."
"Trust me, I know what I'm talking about."
"At this point, I remembered I had not built an academy yet, so after I whacked myself in the head a few times, I built one"
"I wannabe a wannabe of me!"
"Reacting with his almost limitless calm and prescence of mind, Krypt calls his opponent "You smelly bastard" "
"Steve's attempts to mind control an interceptor prove futile..."
"I truly am the master....comedian.....of protoss air"
"I don't survive very well, but I die spectacularly!"
"I'll make you famous"
"Get a screenshot of this nuke"
"when you have the nuking god on your team you can be a little confident."
"What I'm saying is, no screenshots."
"I've been controlling the game up till now, and I'm damn well going to keep controlling it"
"In the air I had floating an engineering bay, a barracks, a factory, and 5 command centers."
"MAN! I leave for a minute or two to comment on Cashew's story and there are FOUR comments already! I love this site. Did you guys actually read the thing?"
"I am not Davy i live in the same town of davy and it is called a very good ISP! so don't get bitchy at him thinking im him IM not ill regret this but my icq is 35148232 we are on at the same time(actually im always on)but IM NOT DAVY so dont think i am"
"You know, someone might find this whole 'discussion' pointless and childish... I find it very amusing."
"Haha I got 100th comment! I look down upon all you single and double digit people."
"You know what, vram, you're right. It's not like I won with any actual skill on my part...."
"Hey... a tip, if you want to get a 10, make sure your report has annoying text color, staged pics, an unrefined look, and is ultra wide. Just helping you out. :)"
"I'm not even typing this message, I have 1,000 monkeys with 1,000 typewriters going to town until my translator finds the monkey with the rite message (see he made a typo)."
"Private Taylor remarked 'Deon, you was one of my homies. I will mourn you until I join you.' With that, he proceeded to pour a 40oz bottle of Old English malt liquor onto the spot of the now defunct expansion."
"I may be in the minority here but the thought of Heartcutter in a tub of chlorinated water splashing about with some moistened tarts trying to (apparentely) gain some sort of sexual favor in order to procreate truly frightens me. Little Heartcutters....((shivers)) makes Blair witch look like disney."
"Once upon a time blah blah blah nohunters blah blah gogogogogo"
"1 CC in the hand is better than 2 Nexi in the bush"
"The Science Vessel also notices that a High Templar is about to cast a spell on a Sieged Tank; in the nick of time, it is matrixed and weathers the storm (pun intended)"
"Don't macro so much - make more units instead"
"If perchance I have misquoted you, or spelt your name wrong, or missed something like that, email me/ICQ me and I will cordially tell you i don't give a shit"
"I'm personally amazed I have the will power to keep from eating myself larger than Bill Roper."
"We all know Canadians can carry on entire conversations relating to nuclear non-proliferation and moral relativity theories taking into account existence of alternate planar realites, simply by using various inflections of 'eh?'"
"I WILL be back"
"Kicking ass and taking names"
"Is Johnny drunk?"
"I sort of glossed over the bad parts =]. Like that time you acidentally queued your SCV to kill all the other ones at your expansion."
"Your terran is my bitch Mark4!"
"If your up for another helping of ass-kicking at the hands of my terran, then I am more than happy to oblige!"
"If you think I'm going to comment on your game so you can set the # of comments reccord you're crazy!"
"...after a few requests to the 10% of the NoHunters channel not currently afk..."
"T.T.Boy beats off (not literaly) Johnny_Vegas"
"Wow, a gold bengalaas even with my voting him a three!"
"Don't Mess With the Bengelaas!!!"
"The Bengalaas can spit lightning and belch acidic clouds of vapor up to ten miles distant, can't it?"
"It's entertaining when you win!"
"You guys are funny. Don't play terran vs toss on island= good joke."
"I found myself chatting in the nohunters channel, banning those stupid spamming bots, getting killed by Whoop, until Johnny showed up..."
"A fucking masterpiece"
"as we all know reavers are very effeicient"
"what does imho mean?? i assume it doesn't mean "i'm a ho" "
"Science Vessel is my flying templar! =) D-matrix is my halucination while irradiate is my psi-storm."
"I sware he has some "Defensive Matrix for 10 mana hack". He uses it so damn much"
"you can slip the ghost behind his defenses and give him a gamma radiation tan."
"Just like I like toss... crispy on the outside."
"wallin' my ass in"
"When Kakaru orders Vegas to "SAT", Johnny's response is "can't." Whether this is due to a broken
"s" key or his reluctance to reveal his standardized test scores I still do not know."
"Vegas, who will henceforth be called bunker boy"
"All of the afore mentioned players can kick my ass in starcraft. I mock them for your entertainment's sake only."
"Skill is imbalanced"
"good for me that I have storm and he not :)"
"gee those goliaths were worth teching for"
"I can't wait to receive the trophy in the mail. You know the one that says "Sorriest Ass Starcraft Player on the Planet" "
"Protoss activity detected in the Korpula sector. Terminate with extreme prejudice. Have a nice day."
"Ancient Chinese proverb: One neighbor builds a fence. Two neighbors enjoy it"
"The tank rolled up to the cherry spot on my plateau, pulled out Mjorlnir and made him my bitch."
"Casper was here, and he was cool as ice"
"Don't just read the book of Heartcutter. Practice it."
"Any report that mentions malt liquor is going to get a good rating"
"We are going to make this butthole micromanage early"
"Pour wave after wave after wave of marines here. Repeat until Zerg stew is done."
"The Slugs were fought off by a Tank utilizing its range, and several Marines with salt shakers"
"It just means he hasn't gotten around to killing me yet."
"Zealots versus flamethrowers? Heh."
"Par-a-sites... are watching you....watching your every-move"
"He may have used cheese on me in the beginning, but I would use CONDIMENTS on his shiny protoss ass."
"Having been schooled badly several times in a row, I learn that I like to win more than I like to lose."
"Always trying to improve, but still sucking"
"Carriers do kinda look like big flying hotdogs."
"I'm your man until I get killed or you find somebody that can do the job better."
"More babes! More money! Cooler weapons!"
"His wraiths were doing 0.01 damage to my ultras every hour!"
"use defiler fools!"
"Defiler? But I barely know her... "
"I saw all of that dark swarm and wet my pants...I'm gonna have nightmares dammit"
"Wait I know! You could NUKE the ultras... "hold still". "
"DT no nothing of honor. They are cowards."
"Hell is a very big place. Big enough for me to send his entire army there."
"Do not fear DTs. Cure them"
"Psistorm is out there. Take precautions"
"Good luck, and I hope you enjoyed reading it. Be the Samurai."
"Siege. Unsiege. Move. Siege. Fighting that waskly D-Web."
"And the heartcutter worshipers gather round to deliver offerings cattle to the altar of deon"
"Does sc have some sort of brainwashing effect if you see an actual decent terran?"
"The zealots spot the pimp squad about two-thirds of the way to the Terran Main, and like the zealous warriors that they are, the zealots run like heck."
"DAMN I hate reavers!"
"did you put in the Zileas quote?"
"Zerg are commies!"
"Game over. Yo mamma"
"WHAT'S THAT ORANGE CLOUD DO????"
"Me watchy! Me watchy! Me monkey boy! kakakakakaka"
"The drone is sliced up and collapses in that way drones collapse when they for some reason don't explode"
"Ha, that's one for the archives... (what?)"
"plus 200 bonus points for me"
"Ensnare templars, plague archons. Zerg magic at its finest."
"I love it when someone "raises" a base. Look, it floats!!"
"I would just like to send out a special thanks now to the html gods for not dicking me over this time."
"Fractal_Wave: YES, Quote me! Quote my ass upside and down. I wanna be the site quote whore. You rule."
"William, you have NO LIFE!"
"I'm going to have to move to New Mexico and start a cult in your name now"
"Another great report. All I can say is... the staff at this site should be checking their email this week ;)(NOTE: this is mainly here for posterirty purposes. Da blizz loves us all - FW)"
-David N. Blizzard Entertainment
"Mark Vegas was dreaming of alcohol and easy medics."
"Last in line was Advisor "CB". His nickname was based on "Cattlebruiser", although none of the men were quite sure where the name had come from. Some infantrymen whispered that it came from a particularly bad night back home involving thirteen shots of whiskey, a herd of cattle, and a twenty-two year-old Animal Husbandry major. Others swore on the fact that a bloody cow's head was hung in his locker, a testament of what would happen to the men if they ever got out of line. Whatever the case, CB was fiercely competent."
"open up a can of ownage"
"before it finally fell to the awesome power of the wraith guns."
"his supporting infantry cut through the dragoons like a guillotine through a block of tofu"
"Don't write a BR if I lose!"
"I just ramble until it sounds good and cut half. :)"
"Man I suck."
"The observers are always the master tacticians :)"
"One drunk Ukrainian can do anything!"
"Mark Vegas is NOT Johnny Vegas' bastard son."
"If there are any probes down range, please beep entertainingly when shot"
"In a shocking move, Mark4 decides to cast Psionic Storm with his templar"
"Don't give Shockwave any beer."
"YRM OWNS MY BONES!!!!!"
"What in the hell was I thinking trying to report another FFA?"
"I'm thinking of just editing every place it says T_mac and inserting "disconnector" anyway"
"YRM, Team up with me on my "Cow-with-a-Band-Aid" Productions and make mediocre reports of 4 pools on Bloodbath. After four weeks of them, you can post a picture of Kerrigan and get a 10.0."
"Canada > YRM"
"Je vais au reaver."
"Starcraft is a great way to determine the overall value of people and the country they live in"
"You know it's not an authentice Rubber Ducky report/comment if there aren't broken images"
"Vultures own Goons"
"Orc is the bestest player in whole wide world"
"No porn? DAMN YOU BOB!!!"
"ALT text is the best thing since sliced bread"
"...everybody out of the hot tub. Now! Annie, Emma, Kei and Ivy..."
"Kei is my top ghost. She's the lockdown queen. She's also got an excellent pair of...eyes."
"Anyone who can take 600+ casualties and win is a 100% pure, homogenized, accept-no-substitutes Grade A bad-ass."
"Heartcutter is a giant tourist eating african gorrila with 50 wives and 285 children"
"PP celebrates his defense with a round of Zealot Zima"
"Battlereports are a good way to determine your worth as a human being"
"All the best,
YourQueenOfDrops Fracta... er YourRoleModel"
"People obviously don't like to see you win T_Mac."
"Tried Tested and True...Chevrolet. No, actually it's Lost Temple. Surprise"
"At home four zealots came wandering past my choke point, took one look at the wallin, asked T_Mac for danger pay, didn't get it, and contented themselves with scouting my natural and then going on strike for better wages. I think they might be still there, waving signs and chanting 'For Hire!'
Alright, so that pun sucked. Work with me here people. It's past midnight."
"Fractal's back. And taking butt and kicking names. Erm.. wait, I have that backwards. Then again, maybe that's right."
"T_Mac is dangerous if he can O. refinery you, because he drops like a wounded goat to heavy metal"
"Greetings, and welcome to my crappy BR. Another exciting 2v2 with lotsa gory pics, coming your way. If anything at all in this BR displeases you, I assure you, it is entirely Fractal_Wave's fault."
"I hate everyone"
"maynard just sucks nuts"
"You must be silent in my famous presence"
"A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away....STARCRAFT"
"Lewis gives oral sex to all raters. I'm under his influence as well"
"Your still gay Lewis"
"Warning: This is a test of the emergency broadcasting system. If this were a real emergency you would hear the following: KE KE KE KE KE MONKEY BOY (roughly translated: This report contains 120 Mb of graphics. Good luck trying to down load it through that puny-ass phone line)."
"Cantaloup, whom I will peridocially refer to as fruit boy"
"Disclaimer: I play with mercury. A lot. KE KE KE KE KE."
"WilliamWC3 = Windows resource eating GOD!"
"~LeLa~ and I_Hate_Medics aren't the same person. They live in the same town. It is called a very good ISP."
"Mog, let's be mature about this.... nanny nanny boo boo!!"
"I'm enjoying my medic. Mmmm smells good, looks good, tastes good, feels good. Jacked up and good to go."
"KaD attempts to disprove the theory that you cannot pull Vespene gas out of your ass"
"Goliaths look much more badass than they actually are"
"Bob sux. Nuff said"
"Ronin~ has been sending his factory across the map and constructing machine shops at random places to amuse himself, because he is a imbecile."
"You guys are all gayer than ORC"
"Why does A-X suck so bad? The world may never know ..."
"clicking on a ::nobody:: report will subject you to Smithsonian caliber pictures"
"Probe fit the requirements perfectly because he was loud, mean, and obnoxious."
"burrow owns you"
"Oh nm, geocities is sucking incredible ammounts of anus right now."
"I'm baked and drunk right now, and happy off my rocker"
"Warning: There are two types of people reading this report. The first kind is already off staring blankly at my pretty pictures. The second are the ones reading this warning because none of the pictures are loading. The reason for this is one of the following: Bill Gates is the devil; Netscape Navigator was programmed by a bunch of monkeys; a butterfly flapped its wings in Hong Kong (or one of its near by suburbs); you are actually trying to download this through a phone line (be serious people); or Bill Gates is the devil."
"The only sensible counter to the 13 pool is the 121/2 pool (experts only)"
"God I love archons."
"AQD3, are you there? Please reply to, um... ANY of your responses... sheesh. This guy = opposite of comment whore"
"I LOVE mass hallucinations."
"Writers note. We all hope the future holds a lot of gratuitous nudity"
"Protoss is so loaded up with cheese that Aiur may take the Cheese capital title away from Wisconsin. (i hate gayweb!)"
"Suddenly, I felt something, something odd. I could win this game! Maybe..."
"Just as the big smile hits my face I happen to glance back to my base. Hmmm. What the heck are ten mutas doing coming in over my probe line?"
"Even though I don't have sound, I could sort of hear the groaning and "neawraoungh" of drones, so it was nice to be back to Zerg."
"Son of an ITCH."
"...if king is a 1200 protoss i'm a bearded alligator."
"A picture is worth a thousand words... Which is basically 3 somewhat lengthy paragraphs. =)"
"The pen is mightier than the sword (but not mightier than the arclite siege cannon)."
"I typed 'heh' and my opponent replied with a poetic 'grr'"
"Swedes have a natural disadvantage writing english texts =)"
"I can't help it Praetor, something triggers in my brain when dark templar are swiping on both my bases and I have no detection!"
"Besides I said "gg", I wasn't a sore loser. If I had said "God damn it, Dtemps are gay! I hate you!" then I woulda been a sore loser. =]"
"Les 'Terrans' est tres homosexuel"
"First, my processor sucks more than Santa Claus and my modem blows more ass than Floppy the Fat sea otter."
"And lo', there floated,"
"A great yellow blimp!"
"It sent out small fighters,"
"and moved like a gimp."
"When in doubt, make more Science Vessels!"
"Don't think you can outlast your enemy in a stalemate, especially if he has a cable modem. = )"
"It's sad when you execute such a slimy, cheesy tactic like a gully push and it gets taken out by one DT :-(."
"Gosu! I like good manner, but my report is bad manner, no gosu pictures. But read it and leave lots of comments because it makes my head go big."
"...and all those turrets they've been building start to pay off now as the observers pop like a pair of horny frogs during the Fourth of July."
"One interceptor carriers don't work well. :)"
"You know we should start a seniors tour like in golf. Over 30 only and sucky players welcomed."\\ -T.T.Boy
"My boss knows I do %^&! all during the day, and thank god for br.com"
"Ghosts are awesome vs. protoss, but only if they are alive :)"
"I have a hangover that would kill a small horse right now"
"King operates a live-in porn shop and Orc lives in a cardboard box in the back alley. They only play StarCraft with one hand because.. "
"Bengalaas! Any story with bengalaas kicks ass =]"
""Checkmate," i said, "I just blew the @#$% out of your sorry-ass king."
-excerpt from "The Fate of Jamellan"
"Can I get a big mac please?"
"I'm sorry sir, we're closed due to the fact that this restaurant is exploding."
"I am the God of preposting, yah!"
"Holy paragraph Batman."
"Yes, Maynard did "maynard" his scv's over to his natural when he expanded there. Hmm, I should be shot for saying Maynard 'maynarded' , eh?"
"Whoever came up with this whole hangover thing can go to hell, now excuse me while I go find somewhere to curl up into a small, tiny little ball."
"Angel: ooh ooh... can I have the Red X?"
"Talon: no, but you can have a bigass bowl of "PUSH THE REFRESH BUTTON, IDIOT!""
"Don't question Goz, he's only 1 letter away from God"
"when the game started it lagged so much that it seemed Starcraft had suddenly had become turn-based."
"MS Paint was being paid at slave wages ($0.00) for image editing in this report."
"My girlfriend has decided to invade..so I dont think I'll be able to help..."
-Fractal_Wave (When asked for a hand doing a BR)
"Hey I'm zerg I can just attack-move my swarm anywhere with no ill effects because of gay imbalance while terran has to micro its ass off to get anything decent to work."
"WTF? I GOT NUKED?#@!@!@"
"Drugs are bad...but the effects thereof are highly amusing."
"Man, he dances around storm like he actually knows what he's doing"
"With the agility of an Irishman dodging a police roadblock, the observer turns tail and runs."
"Hey, what the hell, I might as well expand here too."
"What's in it for me?"
"Respect, admiration, and the feeling you get from saving a galaxy?"
"Pshaw. I want wine, women and song!"
"I get an economy running that's substantially weaker that the Canadian dollar, but it's better than nothing."
"I give my word as a battlereporter. /me puts hand on Rook"
"Oh yes, spread your purple ooze all over me!"
"I'm just a cute furry bug."
"Going all scouts didn't work out. Go fig."
"T_Mac was dropped from the game"
"STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!! I can hear you through my modem."
"Marine stew: for the hungry baby lurker in your family"
"I own ..(Myst).., no wait I don't."
"POWER OVER WHELING"
"Muhaha!! I am Evil Eye Laser Man!"
"Chicks give Yeti boner."
"Did anyone notice that that Bob The Newt logo looks like a man with an extremely large penis?"
"Im allied WITH MY BIG FAT JOHNSON"
"I have a winning or undefeated record vs everyone"
"You have any naked pics of Collsy?"
-Hawk to Slings
"This report is crap, followed by more crap."
"I'll play red hunters but noway will i play blue"
"I HACK AND I DONT WANT OBS"
"Your so close just cliff his 7 and attack 6 while killing 8 and dropping 12...and he shows up with 1238479023 carriers"
"i uninstalled it last week then i realized i lost to silentstrike in tourney play and couldnt stand myself so i installed it again"
"I don't mean to sound cocky, but I don't lose often ...
TvP is the only matchup I ever really lose."
"I have made a decision not to have sex with the hottest girl at my school, i dont care if other guys want to do it, thats their decision, but i'm not going to."
"I am a loyal ho"
"Elitie cannot even begin to outwit me, so I try to take it easy on him"
"isn't exodus a drug addicted high school dropout turned korean and former sex offender?"
"OMFG!!! NEWBIES SHUT UP NOW!!! TOSS CAN COMPETE THATS WHY I AM 35-0 WHEN IM TOSS VS ZERG. I BEAT 1500 ZERGS, AND THE-FEARED CLAN"
"they have to kill tomatoes to make ketchup flavored chips"
"i'm not atheist. Instead i believe in god so i can hate him"
"yes im his butt buddy"
"OH LOOK IM ZILEAIS I GO TO MIT AND FIND IMBALANCES IN MY PANTS!!@#"
"Hitting refresh on the reports page every 17 seconds waiting for the next Breeze report"
"im a lewis groupie"
",y penis brings good luck to all"
-KingsNPharaohs (stolen from lewis' qotm)
"i had oral sex with a baracuda"
..(Fox).. (stolen from lewis' qotm)
"Apex-X is trying once again to prove that his balls are bigger than his brain, and starts teching to arbiters."
"Let all the pics load ( it's about 1.5 megs of stuff =[ ), or I'll give ducky your phone number and house address"
"put tanks at your thing"
"He(Sp|nE) was also known for his exceptionally dark eyebrows and his irrationality."
"Go buy broodwar you lazy arctic sasquatch!"
"Hi there.. I'm hiding from a 30 year old women... I promised her we would meet today IRL"
"Take care. Oh, and go out and have lots and lots of sex with hot chicks. Hot chicks are cool."
"Why don't you sit on your hand a while so the blood stops, then you can jack off and it will feel like it's someone else's hand?"
"you wanted to rustle mah scorpions"
"... if I was going to bet money on Mark4 vs NTT I'd put my bread on the man with the M-16 and the malt liquor!"
"Wow, if I call you, will you be like surrounded with bitches, laughing with them while drinking wine and refreshing the comments section?"
"Nice, except for the fact that all you chess pansies are a bunch of map hackers."
"Manner my bananner"
"look, you wanna cyber or not?"
"Wang micros like a drunken goose"
"Now if you will excuse me I am going to have sex with a Corgy"
"The thing is, StarCraft > sex."
"My attempt to kill 3 Protoss players with lings, hydras and lurks went down harder than a drunken 90-year old woman with a broken hip."
"Slings..in that pic of you in WLJ's BR, it looked as if you had a life, is that true?"
"nobo would your next anime chicks be sexing?"
"Lay Slings plz Col thnx gw"
"How do you get MS Paint to save as JPG??" -Carnelien
"Stare it down" -SlingsNArrows
"i'm caucasianally challenged ok?"
"lurkers kick very little ass when unburrowed"
"This can't be gay, there are no protoss here!"
"baby jesus cries every time someone uses templar"
"I thought you got captured by evil pokemon and jammed in one of those little balls or something.
"MARKICHU! I CHOOSE YOU!!"
"Drunk has started going for some hardcore goon-on-goon action"
"ProtectorofAiur: Can I still see your boobs?"
"will's race is vespene gas"
"Templars are the definition of LOVE and PEACE"
"I have my own team because everyone that was on my team got scared when I whipped out my Brady Bunch lunch box. Stupid Bitches.
"I'm your host, the Cynical Magician, and welcome to another BR about wax lips."
"she's a big dumb virgin"
-CynicalMagician on the princess in mario
"Mario is a druggie"
"The rest of my team is doing equally well, with terrorists going down faster than Hawk on Mark4."
-Bob The Newt
"Muahhahaha, my army of Combat Wombats will rule the world! The only thing in the way is the bullet proof chickens..."
"LoL, i hate to break it to ya, but i'm not a nerd :P"
"Slings: I found God for you. He's hiding behind these brass knuckles"
-CynicalMagician and Fox^1
"I said "This shit is gay as T_Mac" at work and my sergeant said "Yes sir, it sure as hell is." I'm pretty sure he doesn't know T_Mac, but you never know..."
"I can only hope the universe will come to an end during my lifetime. Can you say 'easy score?'"
"everything about bob's penis rules"
"Do me a favor: Pour gasoline in your hair, stand on your hands up against a wall, and ignite yourself, if necessary get your mom to help you. Send me a photo."
"Rock beats scissors but cruiser beats zergling"
"I wrote down YourRoleModel's advice of "If you lose all your buildings and units you'll lose" on a 3"x5" notecard that I take out and read before every game."
"How much do you think anathema is paying T_mac to be on his team?"
hmmm, i'm going to have to masturbate now
"so i was cybering with fox earlier with poa watching. That's why you shouldn't get aim"
"Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a hacking lamer."
"I started to get that feeling right then, maybe Luke in episode four force feeling. Not reliable but enough to take out that chobo death star."
"It's a well known fact that I have my head up Mark4's ass."
"Maybe i should try reading the bible for the pornographic parts."
"Some day there will be little CynicalMagicianettes, casting spells randomly on 30 year old women. Will they steal your wife? Probably."
"...an archon has got his whole bad ass blues man thing going on, so..."
"wtf i should get hit by a fucking truck"
"No lessons learned. Thanks for reading, and may the good mojo be with you."
"no protoss no cry"
"every quote on br.com makes me sound either horny or nerdy"
Badtz_maru: "X17 has players as good as me?"
Scv~007: "Yea i think they have a bot in there."
"omg iggy, have my hilarious, yet mentally unstable and deformed children plz"
"Wow, Im fractal's son (goes out trought the door, you hear a scream "noooo" and a gunblast, then something falling over)"
"No Thx. Ill pay Poa Money Only For Sex"
"iggy for prez!"
"Why can't I just make a girlfriend out of html? ... ... .. .. *goes and makes out with a bold tag*"
"I'd tap that ass."
"I killed the server admin w/ knife headshot twice in a 40 round game. Some people just have no sense of NINJA RESPECT."
"but see, i'm not a nerd."
"i never disc anymore"
"sorry for being premature, that's a bob thing"
"Neither Battlereports.com nor the writer of this report is responsible if you turn out to be like Iggy after reading this report, thank you."
"Don't have Crazy host your game though, he bans me for sport"
"Corbalt is pure sex"
"Oh, you need to have 1800+ ladder, and two penises. Mmmm, balls are optional."
-WaxAngel, on what's neccesary to be a battlereporter.
"Dref is the hindu word for bologna and sab is the swami word for sandwich"
"the spank the monkey buddy icon is ..'distracting' me"
"He was getting like 21903582470 (rounding) new gateways to complement his new expansions."
"u know this channel has way less spam ever since I /ignored everyone whos name starts with 'abrasive' and ends with '-x'"
"It wasn't a misspelling, it was a tribute to King-Lewis."
"Don't you think a donkey and tequiza just go well together?"
"I spiked the water supply with faggot"
"saturday night 2 buddies came to pick me up. I said no. I will play BW. good bye."
PunckCS: "so your basis for saying that it's shit is because its not done yet?"
BobtheNewt: "a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush."
PunckCS: "fucking ass, don't give me these biblical verses or whatever"
"i was goin around with my XS pass to get into the event, 'im a professional gamer baby, u know you want some of this'"
"christ, Scarab, this isn't fat guy goes nutzoid, we can't just airlift you out of every troublesome situation you get yourself into. and especially not when you're just scared, because I'm not going to risk my ass and my chopper piloting you out of the city every time you see a soya product."
"I am here to moderate funkiness."
"yuo aer koo^^"
"I_Hate_Medics can only sum up his troubles in one word: fick"
"These rule. It's like a sitcom, where Aldo is the straight guy and Fox is the street-wise black lesbian with funny lookin' clothes."
"I saw Myst catch a fish by spearing it with his hand, that's how fast this guy is."
"Mark4 is God!! He could play Starcraft, talk on the phone, do pushups, and still kick ass!!"
"Wow, quotes are getting stupider and stupider"
-Bob the Newt
"The medic giggles as you show her your Full House. Yes, this game of strip poker is going quite well. 'This time you'll have to take off more than your first aid kit,' you say with a sly wink."
"I tried the maphack in 1.04. Only because all my friends were doing it. Just like crack cocaine, and the internet (THEY DID THIS TO ME)"
Bonus points for being foreign? brilliant logic, chief. You don't give mexicans telemarketing jobs do you?
"I guess I have to explain. Those are other battle reporters/exreporters jealous at the attention my reports get."
- Breeze (in response to people who didn't like his report)
"you are such an idiot its astounding. like every other newb on the site you assume that the only reason you get bad ratings is because you are new or unknown. shut the fuck up. if your reports get 2s, please dont be a major league retard and assume it was because someone didnt read it, or didnt like you. it was because your reports were ass k?"
"MY TESTICLES RETRACT INTO MY BODY AND BECOME EXTRA KIDNEYS AS A DEFENSE MECHANISM TO NOT GET MY WIFE PREGNANT SO OUR KID WOULDN'T HAVE TO ONE DAY DEAL WITH YOUR EVENTUAL BOOGERSPAWN."
"I WOULD LIKE TO LET YOU KNOW THAT http://www.backgroundcity.com IS NOT A SECRET LINK TO GOATSE. IT IS AN ACTUAL WEB SITE. ONE WITH MANY BACKGROUNDS YOU CAN ENJOY AND USE AND PUT IT IN YOUR REPORT TO MAKE RATERS SWOON AND CREAM AND HAVE YOUR LOVE KITTENS. DID I MENTION THAT IT IS http://www.backgroundcity.com? YOU KNOW, THE NAME OF THE SITE? http://www.backgroundcity.com IS IT'S NAME, YES SIR GOLLY GEE."
"I have more than enough %#*&ing grounds to judge you, however. How the %#*& else am I suppose to judge you online besides what you type? You want me to call you up and learn more about your personal life? What the %#*&, don't bitch because everything you type looks as if you slammed your cock on the keyboard..."
"I programmed a random number generator that picks a number between 3 and 3.999999 and truncates any decimal points. I vowed to use the results of the output from this program [for your rating]. The result was 3."
"Fanmail of the week!: This one comes from Scott ##### (scott@#####.com) 'Why the fuck did you delete my BR? Ass.'"
"I have no oil resource, and no one will trade it with me... But the little Russian town of Kiev has oil, and I'm gonna take it down like a drunken prom queen!"
"We were playing a non-Blizzard made map originating off of Big Game Hunters. This one had more money."
"So, new quotes?"
"He flanked me from three directions. (When you have no front, everything is a flank.) I circled the wagons, but these indians had plasma cannons and a really effective rain dance."
-LuckyNewbie in LuckyNewbie vs Whatshisface
"Early game is so last paragraph."
-ZerG~LinG's The Frozen Fantastic
"Scorched Basin: where the women are uglier than the tileset and the peons require state-sanctioned bussing to reach the nearest trees."
-CattleBruiser's Basin Street Blues
"This time I will attempt to fuck up another games' reputation."
"His girlfriend just broke up with him. Two days before valentines day. So if I lose, it's out of pity."
-ZerG~LinG's A Broodwar Quickie
"Long ago, there was a boy, almost a man, who wished, on his birthday, to become a man. Sitting in his home, waiting for the world to see his strength, poise, and stature, he wished only to gain the respect and trust of his peers. What he got instead was Starcraft, and it was better then all that other shit."
-LoZeR-X's The First Battle Report by LoZeR-X
"Trust me, I could have hidden nude in the grass with my member poking up, and it would have been more tower presence than what was in his base."
-CattleBruiser (as Bob_The_Nude)'s The Warcraft Report
"My friends are all like, dude it's just a game, I'm like RRAAAAARGGGGH!!!!"
-EldritchEvil in The Good Die Young
"I order the bartender to give me a round of Diet Coke ( I’m underage ) in a very manly way."
-|]agomar's Escape Velocity Nova!
"My troops were fighting the lurkers like endersshadow makes wall-ins. Not very well at all."
-ZerG~LinG's The Good Die Young
"I always thought massage involved women. Don't you just love automation?"
-Dibbler in The Good Die Young
"I have been frequently referred to as one of the "gayest" players ever to grace the barren lands of the Starcraft universe, though I believe that title was hefted upon me by a eternally hopeful Dagomar."
-mattzarella's Good Old Fashioned Fun
"The units march in a single file which would have been comical under different circumstances, but lives are at stake and jokes should not be made. Ever."
-mattzarella's Good Old Fashioned Fun
"If the teal player was in dire straits before, he now plays on Tribes. I mean, he's in trouble."
-mattzarella's Good Old Fashioned Fun
"All good galaxy-dominating type persons have scary names. Atilla had The Hun, Vishnu had Destroyer of Worlds, and Martha Steward didn't need one.(She is scary enough.)"
-EldritchEvil's A Journey Into the Stars
"They denied LORD ZOD'S DOCKING REQUEST!! I WILL KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM AAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!"
-EldritchEvil's A Journey Into the Stars
"I didn't expect to be beaten by someone part of "a brand new melee gaming clan" who play "all sorts of maps, preferably LT style", but still, more ridiculous stuff happens every day, I mean, I have a losing record to Keanu_Reaver for crying out loud!"
-Ling-erie's A Pubbie Tourney BR
"Fungee has expunged me from his hallowed friends list. Why? Because I made him add me to his MSN list under the e-mail address 'firstname.lastname@example.org.'"
-|]agomar's Hardcore 4FFA
"It turns out that wakiki was trying to show off to his girlfriend by playing Starcraft with his wang and accidentally got electrocuted."
-mattzarella's The Pentagram Paradigm
"This Jewish Starcraft player has been pulling down games with us even when he learned that we were all gentiles. But we can't seem to figure out why he keeps hogging all of the minerals..."
-mattzarella's The Pentagram Paradigm
"His strange mannerisms and inability to sustain an erection can be directly linked to the fact that he lives so damn close to Canada, but we won't hold that against him."
-mattzarella's The Pentagram Paradigm
"Zerg gone wild ($19.99)"
-mattzarella's The FFA Effect
"There's a certain warm feeling that one gets when amassing an enormous army of queens. It's a feeling of pride deep inside your stomach, knowing that you can conquer any unit.. except battlecruisers, and archons, and probes, and guardians, and dropships, and shuttles, and reavers, and scourge, and science vessels, and corsairs, and carriers, and observers, and valkyries, and wraiths."
-mattzarella's The FFA Effect
"In every game, there are specific categories of players. You've got newbies, hackers, hardcore gamers, backstabbers, chatters, whiners, Koreans, halfwits, dimwits, quarterwits, eighthwits, "druggies", campers, res-killers, banksitters, trashtalkers, oldschoolers, newschoolers, high schoolers, and many more different characters from the varying venues of multiplayer online gaming."
-mattzarella's The FFA Effect
"Why own, when you can embarassingly sodomize?"
-mattzarella's The FFA Effect
"There are so many ways to annoy a Zerg player, it's not even funny. Actually, it's really funny, so I retract my previous statement."
-mattzarella's The FFA Effect
"My wife said: 'What are you doing? Running a marathon over there?' (Apparently, I was breathing kinda hard.) I was like "Broodwar!!!"