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MattzarellaIntroduction Mattzarella is the author of eight battlereports and enjoys a lifetime average of 8.0769. His reports are characterized by an emphasis on unique games or real-life events. Perhaps his finest efforts charted the impact of hurricanes on his hometown in Florida. Mattzarella, or "Mattz," is also known for his pioneering efforts in gaining acceptance for "your mom" or "your sister" jokes. His brash and immature sense of humour is especially welcomed in StarCraft Free For Alls, where he frequently uses bizarre strategies to pester - if not defeat - his opponents. The reporter and site stalwart describes himself and his path in more grandiose terms: Reporting History Mattzarella, the world's most diminuitive battlereporter, has been making contributions to BattleReports.com in the form of lewd and repulsive suggestions since his first visit in 2001. It took him three years to gather the courage to post a report; his first submission in 2004 (a co-operative effort with Blitzkreig_?) was fairly well-received and earned itself a 9.2 rating, the highest mark so far on a mattz report. His reports have since followed a greatly different strain of subject matter, tackling such topics as The Legend of Zelda: LTTP, Final Fantasy Tactics, and . . . hurricanes. He is perhaps best known for his two subsequent reports on the natural disasters Charley and Frances, receiving 8.2 and 9 ratings respectively. The author himself takes pride in his original material and looks forward to breaking the constraints of reporting and creating a social revolution. Down with the man. The Man Behind the Wang Since his birth in rural Maryland, mattzarella has enjoyed a quiet life of sweet tea, chewing tobacco, and unadulterated pornography in which he frequently plays the leading role. He has lived in several exciting places that you have probably never lived in, including Las Vegas, the city where he picked up several of his nastier habits such as hooker murder and shallow, meaningless marriage. Today, mattz greatly enjoys his hobbies, the more time-consuming of which include battlereporting (yes, it's a hobby) and acting. He has played several comedic relief parts in his brief theatrical career including the Wizard of Oz in "The Wizard of Oz" and Lefou in "Beauty and the Beast." His final high school production of Lend Me a Tenor was chosen as one out of six shows to be given the prestigious honor of performing as a mainstage show at the Florida State Thespian Festival, something that means an incredible lot to him but presumably almost nothing to you. He looks forward to potentially performing in one of his college's shows during the 2007-2008 school year and invites any and all BattleReports.com visitors in the northern Florida area to attend if he does. Currently enrolled in Tallahassee Community College to earn a General Transfer AA degree, mattzarella has considered many possible educational paths but has finally settled on the pursuit of a Software Engineering major. He has persistent hopes of working as an IT consultant and possibly doing some Photoshop editing on the side, something that he finds extremely fun, challenging, and rewarding. He hopes to create his own website in the near future and perform freelance imaging work in an attempt to increase his meager income and to get a taste of the world of web design. Mattz hopes that his clients won't be too turned off by the fact that he lists a Starcraft website as a reference for some of his work. The Future is Now Mattzarella is equally aroused and anxious about his part in the refurbishing (as he so gently puts it) of BattleReports.com; he looks forward to the vast influx of visitors that the site will undoubtedly receive with the upcoming Starcraft 2 and hopes that he can do his small part in making their experience more enjoyable. He encourages anyone out there wasting their time reading this pointless wiki entry to stop now and find a game to write a report on, no matter the length or subject matter or quality of images. He reluctantly admits that he cannot be a one man website, although his ratings would be much better and the comments would be much more encouraging. He looks forward to reading and HARSHLY CRITICIZING all of your reports in the future. Just kidding, he won't read them. |