"~LeLa~ and I_Hate_Medics aren't the same person. They live in the same town. It is called a very good ISP. "
-WilliamWC3
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| The MediEvil Report - Fourth Installment | | | Author: | | | IP: | c-69-138XXXX | | Date: | 03/06/09 02:03 | | Game Type: | Other | | Labels: | Long(1) | | Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 1, Max: 9, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for King Wombat: 9.0000 |  |
Right, well here's the fourth in my MediEvil series of reports. Again, no need for explanations about the gears and cogs that make up the game: either read the second report, which has a short section describing terms with which you may be unfamiliar (although if you ARE unfamiliar with most of them, you have probably never even touched a hack-n'-slash in your entire life). If you insist on not reading my second report, which I can understand given the horrendous quality of my writing, then you can try your best to follow along with this one, but I can't guarantee that you won't get lost along the way.
In the third (previous) report, I had just vanquished the Pumpkin Serpent. As I was brushing pumpkin shard off my armor, news came to me of strange goings-on at a nearby village. I quickly rushed to investigate.
The Sleeping Village
As I pass through the main gate of the village, I am greeted by a goat head who tells me that some bad shit has gone down. Zarok has taken the minds of the villagers and twisted them to do his bidding. However, the goat head then tells me that despite the fact that the villagers are now EVIL, I am not supposed to hurt them and am only allowed to hurt the guards. I guess there's gotta be rules to everything, even saving the world.
As soon as the goat head pipes down, things start to get difficult. I find myself immediately assaulted by a little girl with an axe. Not being allowed to hurt the little fiend, I run for the  nearest gate. For some reason, the girl isn't able to get past the gate and I stop to catch my breath.Whew! What a surprise that gave me. The level has just started and already I'm running for my life. I look around and manage to admire the pleasant lakeside scenery which surrounds me, but not for long: before I know it, I am viciously attacked yet again, this time by a very fat man, who also wields an axe. In a panic, I run around the side of the lake, using my Daring Dash ability for a speed boost. The man apparently doesn't exercise much and thus can't keep up for even a second. Despite having lost him, I continue to run around the lake like a retard and surprisingly find some gold and energy hidden all the way on the other bank. I guess ignorance is bliss. I now stop to contemplate my situation. There doesn't seem to be anything else in this area, aside from a small locked grid door over on the left side, set into the cliff face. Thus, I must return back to the starting area, where I encountered the troubled little girl.
I do so, and she sets upon me with much joy and laughter. Oh, kids these days. I run in circles  for a while, her always on my tail, and then do a sudden turn into a nearby church. Of course, she is flabbergasted by this extremely cunning maneuver and cannot follow, not even if she tries. The church is in a decrepit state: the pews are scattered around in a state of disorder, mice roam the floors and someone has even stolen the giant crucifix that used to hang above the altar. The only remotely interesting thing to be found here is a Fountain of Rejuvination, and I take time to bask in the radiant green globules as all my earthly troubles melt away. However, I soon recall that I have a village to save, and thus have no choice but exit the church and face the angry little girl again.
Apparently she has been waiting for me to come out of my place of refuge, for as soon as I step outside she gives me a good hearty chop with her cleaver. I freak out and immediately seek another location that could potentially offer sanctuary. I find it right across the street, inside a blacksmith's shop. The girl, again, is dumbfounded by my avoidance tactics and does not pursue. The shop contains many chests and barrels, which hold a variety of treasures, from gold to Silver Shields. There is also a large bellows in the center of the shop, apparently still usable, but as I have no cast and nothing to melt I evidently can't make use of it just yet.
I try to look for another reason to stay here a while longer, because I really don't want to go back outside, but not finding one I have no choice but to confront fate yet again. Surprisingly, the little girl is nowhere to be seen when I first exit the shop. I tread cautiously, knowing she could be anywhere. Sure enough, as soon as I come to a crossing, there she is, waiting for me. "Dada! You bringa candy?" she inquires excitedly and charges at me, swinging her axe all over the place like a maniac. Of course, I flee for my life. I run around the deserted streets, looking for a place where I could hide, one that I HAVEN'T been to before. Suddenly, I come across a door that's been left open and quickly duck inside.
 Sadly, by doing so I do not escape my troubles, for inside I find more opposition, this time in the form of a stereotypical Eastern European housewife, sporting oversized drooping knockers and swinging a frying pan for all she's worth. Typically such old ladies are supposed to be kind and welcoming, but by the blood splattered on her apron I know that this one is an exception. As she comes at me with her kitchen utensil, I panic (I've already lost count how many times I've panicked and/or freaked out while playing this level) and try to charge away, but accidentally end up charging right into her. I am in for a surprise. She stops what she is doing, and small yellow stars inexplicably begin to circle around her head. She is stunned!... But evidently unhurt, as my chalice count remains stagnant. Well, now I think I know how to deal with these crazy villagers. While the old lady is still in an unconscious state, I take the time to search the little dwelling place, but the only thing I can come up with is a Moon Rune which is sitting over by the fireplace. Better than nothing, though. I am able to grab the rune and leave the premises, all without the old hag ever realizing what hit her.
Outside, I am again ambushed by The Girl, but this time I know exactly what to do, and give her a good knock about the head with my shield. Of course, as is to be expected, she is effectively rendered harmless, at least for the time being. I speed down a side alley, hoping that by the time she wakes I will be far, far away. However, I am not that lucky. True, that same little girl doesn't bother me again. However, I am instead attacked by what appear to be identical clones of her, all eager to chop me up a nice treat.
I try to charge them but miss: they circle around me, hacking and slashing. I become desperate and again start seeking cover. However, no matter how much I search, all doors seem to be locked. I pass by a garden, a tavern, circle around a large fountain, not finding refuge anywhere. Just as I am about to give up hope, I see an open door over on the other side of the street, leading into what appears ot be another place of residence. However, my situation is too precarious for me to stop and choose where to hide, so I charge in and am able to get the horde of deranged little children off my tail.
Now then, what have we here? A large room partitioned into two areas. The divider is a large iron fence that cannot be jumped over. On the other side of the fence there is another one of them housewives, some barrels and a trapdoor. Luckily, there is a sealed door through the fence, by the side of which there is a blue hand beckoning me to insert a Moon Rune and reap the benefits. I do so, but while the rune-operated door is now open, the trapdoor behind it still remains closed. What to do now?
However, all hope is not lost. On the floor at the far side of the area I am currently in, there is a large switch. Stepping onto it, I find that it is the very thing that operates the trapdoor. However, I can't very well press the switch and walk through the door at the same time, can I? Or can I...
There are many barrels in the vicinity, and now I thank myself for not having blindly smashed  them earlier. I walk over to one of them and find that it is pushable. From there on, it is a simple matter of simply pushing the barrel over onto the switch, then walking through the fence and over to the trapdoor. The old lady with the frying pan tries to stop me, but a good blow to the head renders her temporarily harmless. I descend down the trapdoor into an old cellar, which is simply swarming with mice. I find that I can step on them to make gold come out, however I do not stop to wonder at the absurdity of this, for I have a world to save and cannot be bothered with such trivial matters. There are many barrels here, and since I do not see a switch anywhere in the vicinity I am thus left free to smash them as I see fit. The rewards are many and varied, up to and including a club and some gold. Since there seems to be nothing else to do here, I proceed into the next room. Here there is another partition, this one requiring an Earth Rune to open. Don't think I have that one yet. There is also one of those fat men with the giant axe. However, he is on MY side of the partition and thus charges me as soon as he spots me. However, rather than try to silence him I instead opt to run up the staircase over by the back wall, and of course he can't follow.
 In this next room, the situation is more confusing. Over in the upper corner there is what appears to be a golden bust, sitting on top of a high pillar, so high as to be unreachable at this point. On the right side there is a cage containing the Earth Rune as well as another one of those fatties that I just encountered. The cage is blocked off by two barrels, but of course those can be easily smashed if need be. Then there are two old ladies with frying pans, freely running around the center of the room. I take things one step at a time and go for the ladies first. They try to put up a fight, but the steel of my shield to the face shuts them up. I then walk over to the cage and crack the barrels which prevent entry into it, making sure not to hurt the fattie imprisoned inside. I then stun the fattie, grab the Rune, and am out of there in a flash.
Descending down the staircase back into the partitioned area, I am again confronted by a fattie (a different one, of course). This one is pissed at me having avoided him earlier, and wants revenge. He charges me, yelling strange incoherent phrases. Steel meets face, and it's lights out for our pudgy friend. From there it is an easy task of opening the partition with the  Earth Rune, and collecting the rewards that lie therein (gold and an Energy Vial). There is also a lever here of some kind. Not being sure what it does, I give it a whack, which causes the ground to shake for a couple moments and then everything is silent again. I wonder what just happened? I decide to check it out. I go back up the stairs to the crazy room above, the one with the two old ladies, and see that the pillar on which the aforementioned golden bust had been situated has now lowered, bringing the bust within reach. I quickly charge over, grab the prize and flee before the angry housewives can react... Well, it seems that I've explored everything inside this particular location, so it's time for me to head back outside and check what else this town has to offer. Once I am back out in the open air, however, I notice that something is different: namely, there are no more little girls running rampant in the streets! At first I am relieved, but soon enough realize the true reason for their sudden disappearance. Zarok's paramilitary force of steam-operated mechanical guards has arrived!
As I sneak among the shadows, trying to escape notice, I overhear one of them mention that they are here for something called the "Shadow Artefact". Hmmm... sounds extremely important, wonder if I can get my hands on it? However, first things first: I have to finish exploring the rest of the town. However, I can't very well do that with these guards in the way, so I decide to risk it and attack.
I use my broad sword for the job, due to its higher rate of attack. I parade around the streets, slaying guards left and right. I get hit by their shoddy rifles more often than not, but each of them can only get off at most a shot before they find themselves in pieces on the ground. This  path of carnage takes me back to an open area where I had previously attempted to evade a slew of little girls: the area containing a fountain in the center and a tavern, as well as a library, nearby. The library requires a Chaos Rune to open, and I soon notice that the Chaos Rune is actually (but only theoretically) right within my grasp, being held aloft by the spout of water shooting upwards from the central fountain. Although it is right there in front of me, I can't jump high enough to reach it. There's got to be a way to shut off the fountain... Let's see. A fountain needs a source of water, right? Where is there water around here? I recall the lake I visited when I first started the level, but there didn't seem to be anything of interest there. I begin to roam the streets, looking for locations I might have missed, and sure enough... I come across what I am looking for.
A large river runs by the side of the town. I'm actually very surprised I missed it earlier. There is a small platform near the edge of the running water, on which there is a lever that, when I pull it, shuts off the water intake to the fountain. From there it's a quick trip back to the fountain, and I am able to claim the Chaos Rune for my own. Not for long, of course, because I must immediately use it to open the locked door to the Library.
Since there is nothing more to do in the library, I leave and proceed to head over to the blacksmith's shop. The streets are clear, since all the little girls had been chased away by  Zarok's guards, and they in turn had met their demise by my hand. Once in the shop, I place the crucifix cast into the forge, and place the golden bust on top of it. I then pump the bellows until the bust melts and the molten gold fills the cast. Before long, I have myself a nice golden crucifix. There is only one thing left to do with it: put it back in its rightful place above the church altar. Once that is done, however, something unexpected happens: a secret enclave to the left of the altar is revealed. I check it out and find a "Safe Key". Those ever-helpful game designers then provide me with a cinematic, showing me that the small door to the left of the lake mentioned at the very start of the level has now opened. Yes! Now we're getting somewhere! I head over to the lake. The fat man is still lounging around there. I don't even bother engaging him in combat and just run a semi-circle around his overweight, barely mobile self.
The door takes me up to a walled-off area containing a very large house. I assume this is probably the mayor's property. There are two guards stationed here, but I take care of them fairly quickly. Off to the side there is an area containing the chalice and a chest of gold, but I haven't killed enough enemies and thus the chalice is not yet collectible. However, I am at a loss as to what to do next: all the entrances to the mayor's house are locked tightly, with no rune hands around to aid me in this predicament. What's more, the gate out of the area seems to be locked as well, and I can't go back through the door I used to get here, because it has shut behind me. Very convenient indeed.
 I search the area for clues. Wait a minute... there are stacks of hay behind the house, and they look short enough for me to jump on. I do so, and thus am able to get onto the roof of the mayor's house. I notice that the chimney is just wide enough for a skeletal cartoon character like me to slide down, and of course it seems to be the only plausible way into the house, so I take it. Great success! I infiltrate the house of the mayor, and find no opposition inside: only bags of gold on a table and a lever over by the wall. Upon pulling the lever, the game designers flash another cinematic: a gate at the far end of the village, previously sealed, has opened. Behind it there are four guards, who are protecting the exit from the village. Well, now I know where I need to go. But what about the Shadow Artefact? It's gotta be here somewhere... and it is. A large blue safe stands on the other side of the room, and I use my aptly named "Safe Key" to open it. Out pops a small blue statuette of a hand, and I quickly stuff it into my greedy pockets because it is of course the very Shadow Artefact that Zarok's army of steam-powered guards has been looking for all this time.
Strangely enough, the door leading out of the mayor's house is now open, but I don't complain and head out into the fresh air. I meet no opposition until I arrive at the aforementioned village exit. Here I must simultaneously face four of Zarok's best guards. Or... maybe not THE best, because the formation they choose to defend against my onslaught is not quite the pinnacle of military strategic thinking.
They assemble themselves into a straight line... however, the line stretches towards me rather than perpendicular to me, if you get my meaning. Shots are fired, and all the guards fall dead... except, of course, the lucky bloke at the very back. Before he can reload, steel meets steel and results in death. For him. Well, now the only thing left to do is run back, get the Chalice, and then hightail it back to the exit. I am whisked away to the Hall of Heroes, where I make conversation with a busty African warrior princess who gives me her spears. They are ranged weapons, stronger than either the longbow or the crossbow but have much less maximum ammo as a trade-off.
The Asylum Grounds
The asylum grounds are my next stop. I figure that since all the crazies are locked up in the asylum itself, the grounds should be pretty much empty and as easy to cross as a piece of cheese. Oh, how wrong I am!
The level starts off innocently enough. A nice, well-kempt path makes its way through a bright  green lawn. The nearby hedges have all been artfully trimmed to look like various mythological creatures (unicorns). The illusion of innocence is broken, however, when an odd-looking gardener pops out of the bushes and attempts to molest me. A couple swings of my trusty sword do him in, but from that moment on the ride is all downhill. Right next to where I ended the gardener, there is a small cage with a picture of a mouse hanging above it. The cage requires the Chaos Rune to open. Being quite an intelligent skeleton, I hypothesize that once I open the cage, a mouse will be released. For what purpose, I don't know. Guess I'll find out later. As I continue down the path and come to a crossroads, a grassy archway that has been trimmed to look like a dragon suddenly comes to life and begins to spit fire at me. I retaliate with my sword and hack the green menace to bits. In case you're wondering, I don't find fighting hedge animals to be strange at all. After eradicating some more shady gardeners lurking behind columns and bushes, I take a right at the crossroads and find myself staring into a big stone face attached to the brick wall. Intrigued, I strike up conversation.
The dude tells me that he is none other than Jack of the Green (who?) and that if I want to cross his hedge maze and reach the asylum in one piece, I would have to solve some of his fiendish riddles. I figure I'll entertain the old geezer and agree to the proposition. He gives me the first riddle:
At night they come without being fetched,
By day they are lost without being stolen.
I have no idea at first, but I go about my business figuring the game designers will help me as they always have. I whack my sword at random shit and accidentally hit one of several hedge stars that dot the vicinity. The game designers bring up a message: "4 stars remain". Stars! So that's the answer to the riddle! How helpful. I remember having spotted another star near the beginning, so I head over there... and sure enough, another star in the pocket. Three left. I now have no choice but to turn left at the crossroads and enter the ominous hedge maze. Having seen and read The Shining many times, I of course do so with many qualms, but solving Uncle Jack's riddles seems to be the only way out of this predicament.
The first choice I must make upon entry into the maze is whether to turn left or right. The third-person camera (WTF HAX) allows me to see beyond the walls, and the way on the right seems to terminate much earlier than the other one, so I turn right. Sure enough, the path ends with a small little claustrophobic enclave featuring two gardeners and a star. I turn the gardeners into luncheon meat and give the star a good whack. Two remain. I turn around and  head back the way I came, this time taking the path on the left. Branching off from this path I spot a large open area with many open graves on either side of it. At the end of the area there appears to be a very large bell. This looks interesting. I enter the area. Out of nowhere, a gardener jumps out and beelines for the bell. Figuring that this cannot possibly be good, I intercept him and end his miserable existence via my sword. However... curiosity gets the better of me and I bang on the bell with all my skeletal strength. Immediately, gardeners jump out of all the graves on either side and converge on me. I take them down but lose some health in the process. After considering whether I should feel guilty about what I had just done, I decide that since it ups the chalice count, it can only be good. Recalling the little episode back at the Mausoleum (hint: second installment), I search the graves and find lots of shiny junk which I take without thinking twice.
Inspecting the area again to make sure I didn't miss anything, I notice a star over in the corner. Well, thank God I spotted that! I chop it up and am told that only one star now  remains. I head out of this area but find my way obstructed by a leafy wall that definitely wasn't there before. It succumbs to a single mighty swing of Mr. Sword and I continue my journey. Soon enough, the path I am on culminates in a small area containing some green mofo pelting fireballs at me. There is also a bag of gold here, as well as the last star. Being a very time-efficient fellow, I simply run around, grab the gold, whack the star and get out of there without ever engaging the green dude in combat. Jack of the Green's voice booms over the grounds, amplified tenfold via a P.A. system installed in the hedge maze, telling me to get back to him and hear out his next riddle.
I live for laughter, I live for the crowd,
Without them I am nothing.
I think I know the answer, but I decide to go with the flow and let the maze answer the question. Back I go into the hedges. I go back down the path I took before, and find that a new area has opened up. Here there is a chest containing a replacement Silver Shield, which I gladly take, as well as some more gardeners, all of whom taste my steel. This area culminates with what looks to be a hedge clown, dozing away peacefully, surrounded by five signs with sad faces drawn on them. I find that if I hit one of the signs, I can turn it slightly. Upon turning one of the signs completely around, I find that the reverse side depicts a happy face. Well, now it all seems obvious. Surround the clown with happy faces and solve the riddle. Easier said than done, though. The faces must be hit in a certain order, otherwise one has to start all over. I lose count of how many times I attempt this cryptic puzzler, but finally all the mugs have wide, beaming grins on them and the clown is so overwhelmed with joy that he has a seizure and freezes right as he is busy striking an insanely retarded pose.
I leave him thus and return to Jack of the Green, who is busy cursing at me over the P.A.. Despite being in a very worked up state, he gives me his next conundrum:
Face like a tree, skin like the sea,
A great beast I be,
Yet vermin frighten me!
 Well, that is actually quite obvious. An elephant, right? I head back into the maze to check my answer. I stay on the lookout for a new path that has opened up since my next visit, since that seems to be how this hedge maze operates, and sure enough I find one. It takes me through a narrow passageway and under an arch on top of which is perched a hedge octopus, tossing fireballs in my general direction. What is with these hedge animals and their pyromania? I though fire didn't go very well with grass and dry shrubbery? However, I decide to teach this Octo-mom a lesson and slice off a bunch of his tentacles. This allows me to pass under the archway. I expect to find an elephant or something, but get only a Chaos Rune for my troubles. Hmm... Chaos Rune? I recall the mouse cage at the beginning. Doesn't that require a Chaos Rune to open? Let's go check!
Sure enough, it does. Upon opening the cage, I am treated to a bag of gold as well as a white laboratory mouse that refuses to stop following me around. What the shit? I head over to the  crossroads. From here, left = maze, right = Jack of the Green, and forward = an area which had previously been blocked off by a sealed gate. As is to be expected, the gate is now open. As I proceed through the gate, I notice that there are legless cats crawling all over the ground. In the nick of time I realize that mice and cats don't mix, but it is too late. My white mousie comes in contact with one of the polygonal felines and freaks out. It starts running around faster and faster, gaining momentum until it reaches such a speed that it disintegrates. I keep following the path, without my rodent companion. There are graves on the side of the road, in which gardeners crouch and wait for little kids to pass by. I end all their collective lives and rob the graves of any treasures they contain. At the end of the pathway, I find a ginormous elephant statue. Next to it is the currently-uncollectable Chalice and a merchant goat head who absolutely no one cares about. Well, now it all makes sense. I go back to the mouse cage and surely enough, there is a replacement mousie waiting for me to guide it through the cat gauntlet. I do so, slowly but surely. When the mouse gets close enough to the elephant, the latter spazzes and knocks a huge hole in the wall behind it.
I am about to go through the hole and explore when I hear Jack of the Green's 90-year-old voice blaring over the intercom, telling me to get the hell back to his crib so he can tell me some more riddles. I obey. He assures me that this next one's a real stumper. Here goes:
I tolerate the moon and stars,
I can't abide the sun,
Banish me with torch light
And you'll see me turn and run
I tell Jack that I don't have a clue and that his riddles have got me good. I then run back to  the elephant and continue my previously interrupted expedition into the hole in the wall. Here I come across another line of graves, with a bell at the far side. This time I let the gardener standing next to the bell ring it to his heart's content, for near the wall I spot one of them explosive chests that kills all enemies in the vicinity (except Sir Dan). As the gardeners rise from the graves, I hit the chest with my sword and all my foes are engulfed in a cloud of heavenly purple light. Once that is done I, of course, proceed to defile the graves and remove any items from them that look remotely shiny. A message comes up saying that the Chalice can now be collected, so I run back over to the elephant and grab it (the Chalice). I then head back into unexplored territory. First I come across a Fountain of Rejuvination, which I make good use of. I then encounter another archway-turned-hedge-creature, under whose legs I should be able to walk if it wasn't for the fact that the path is conveniently blocked off at that location. Finally, there is an open trapdoor, and since that seems to be the only way to proceed with the level, I drop down into it.
I land in the middle of a square room with a large carving of a moon in the middle of the floor. Since there doesn't seem to be interesting here, I head outside. Out here there are blocks with flames on top of them. I find that I can push them around, and the only logical place to push them seems to be right up to the stained-glass windows on the outside of the room I just left. As soon as I push the first block right up to its respective window, a ringing sound comes out of nowhere and, I assume, signals that I'm on the right track. I repeat the process for all three blocks and then head back into the room to witness the fruits of my labor.
Three beams of light now converge on the moon in the center. As I step onto the moon, magical forces take me back up to the hedge maze. Evidently I've solved the riddle: the answer was 'darkness'. Jack of the Green is furious and screams at me to get my ass back to his place. I do so, expecting another riddle, but he simply  tells me that he's had enough and that I can find my own way through his maze from now on. Yes! Finally I'm rid of this senile talking face! I skip and jump back to the elephant, back into the hole in the wall, and over to the wide-legged hedge bloke I noticed earlier. This time the wall under his legs has disappeared, and the pervert tells me to head on through so he can pelt me with his fire. My Daring Dash is too fast for him and he misses by about five miles. I walk for a bit and eventually come to a big chessboard. There are energy vials surrounding the board, so I grab those before I even consider how to solve this next puzzler. However, upon closer examination it turns out that this is pretty darn easy: there are four colored pieces on the board, and four respectively colored squares on the board. I find that I can move the pieces by whacking them from the sides, and from there on it is simply a matter of moving each piece to the correct square. Once I have done so, the central square of the board disappears, revealing a hidden trapdoor. I fall down, down... and into the Hall of Heroes. Well, um... that was... easy?
Inside the Asylum
 Well, this is where shit really starts to get ugly. As soon as I enter the front door of the Asylum, I am faced with a 40-foot vertical drop down into a small arena below. I may be a proud member of the Walking Dead Society, but jumps of that height still hurt like hell. But seeing as I have no choice, I make the jump and quickly observe the situation around me. A closed trap door in the middle of the floor, and three doors on four of the walls. Speaking of walls, they're pretty high and there doesn't seem to be any way to get out of here at the given moment. Guess I'll just have to wait for something to happen. As if on cue, the door at the far end opens, and zombies start pouring out. Ah, good old zombies. Long time no see, eh? I figure this shouldn't be too hard, and switch to my sword because there's absolutely no way I'm going to waste my ranged weaponry on these lowlifes. The stream of zombies seems to go on forever: as soon as one comes out of the door and takes a few steps, he is hacked to bits by my sword. However, he is very quickly replaced by another one.
This goes on for some time, until finally the flow of zombies from the upper door is exhausted. I take some time to catch my breath, but suddenly the two other doors open and the same deal begins all over again: a steady stream of zombies, but this time they are coming at me from TWO directions! I manage to hold my ground, but sadly lose a little under two life bottles by the time it all winds down. When the flow of zombies is stemmed, the trapdoor in the center of the floor opens, beckoning me to come on down for some more fun. Despite being somewhat badly beaten up, I accept the offer.Well then, what is this? I drop down into a massive room with three large gates on all sides and a small yellow door off on the right side that looks inviting, but sadly is sealed. Suddenly, cannons situated up above start firing down into the arena, aimed right in my direction. Whoa! I begin to run around aimlessly. I figure that if I keep moving, the cannonballs will most likely miss me. That turns out to be true, but of course it's only the beginning of my troubles. As I should have expected, soon enough the gate on the left opens and zombies start pouring out. This time they come in much greater numbers than before. I quickly develop a technique of continously running around and avoiding them while at the same time charging up my secondary attack for the broad sword, only coming in close when the attack is fully charged. Via this method, I am able to take out big chunks of the zombie population in several isolated strikes. Once the zombies from the left door are no more, the upper door opens and the same process is repeated. Then comes the right door. I almost begin to think "this is actually kind of easy" when suddenly all three doors open and zombies start pouring into the arena like there's no tomorrow. Wow. I totally should have called that.
To make a long story short, I manage to survive... at the cost of a life bottle and a little piece of my sanity. Once this arena is cleared, the aforementioned yellow door opens and I enter it gladly. Again, I find myself in a sort of gladiator pit with sloped sides. There is a trapdoor in  the center. I stand over it and prepare myself for whatever is to come. Bats? Are you serious? The pesky little critters converge at me from their roosts up above, but I swing my sword like a madman and they stand absolutely no chance. Next come the zombies, much in the same fashion as before. Taking them out is also unproblematic, and about midway through the fight an Energy Vial drops down from the sky. Thank you, game developers. But it is only a matter of time before things get much, MUCH worse. Emitting their trademark roars, the bigger variety of zombies begin plopping down into the pit. Since they tend not to stay in groups and prefer to run around on their own, it takes much longer to kill them all (plus the obvious fact that they have more health). At the end of it all I am rewarded with a boatload of gold and a shield, and the central trapdoor opens. Something tells me, however, that it's not all over yet.
There may come a day when I am wrong in my predictions, but it is not this day. Actually they're not really predictions, of course, since I've played this game so many times before, I'm  sort of just pretending for the sake of this battlereport... okay, way to state the obvious... um... awkward... just keep talking... Well, uh, this next arena is circular in nature. Not long after I drop down, I start hearing demented laughter coming from somewhere in the room. I decide to check it out and in the following moments find myself brutally attacked by crazy folks in straitjackets. Since they have no arms, their attack consists of trying to jump up and scissor me with their legs, while laughing maniacally the entire time. I guess this game was made back when retarded people were still funny. I smash 'em up good (for at this very moment I am using my hammer rather than my sword). Then some zombies try their luck at taking me down and also fail miserably. There is a merchant goat head on the wall, and I reward myself by charging up my broad sword. I find that the juice doesn't run out if I'm not wielding it, so I keep my hammer in hand just for the time being. A large yellow gate opens nearby and I step into the hands of fate once again.
Another large room. This time there's a river of lava running down the center, making things even more precarious. Top top it all off, there's cannons firing from up above. I start moving to avoid the blasts, and the two doors on either side open, releasing crazies and zombies into the arena. By using the "charged-sword-strike" tactic I mentioned earlier, I am able to take care of this first lot without complications. Yes, you caught that right, I am now using my sword again instead of the hammer. However, the next wave seems to be too much for me to handle. Rather than coming in a stream, the baddies all charge in at once, and I find myself literally swimming in a sea of my foes. Suddenly, the godly hand of the game developer reaches down and places an exploding chest in the corner of the room. "Make me proud" says the diety. "Oh I will, I will!" I exclaim and swipe the chest with my juiced-up blade.
The room is engulfed in purple light and pieces of zombie go flying everywhere. One second they were all around me, the next second they are nowhere to be found. What a great ending. A small yellow door opens and I enter, half expecting to meet more opposition. However, in the dark, dank chamber I find myself in, all is calm. There is a table over by the side with some neat shit scattered around (Chalice, Earth Rune, gold). I grab everything I can get my hands on. A Fountain of Rejuvination purrs quietly in the corner. I step into it and end up using up the whole thing, but don't even come close to refilling my max health. That's how bad dey got me. Final order of business is to release the mayor. That's right, the mayor is here as well. Guess I should have mentioned that earlier, huh? He is locked in a cage, which is conveniently openable with the Earth Rune I now carry in my pocket. We have a short conversation, wherein he tells me that Zarok locked him up here for not handing over the Shadow Artefact. He makes a point of saying that he can find his own way out, and culminates by letting me have the Dragon Gem sitting on the table next to him.
Well, now I have two of these, and still have absolutely NO CLUE what they do with 'em. Alrighty then. The exit is also right here, and as soon as I step into it I am teleported to the grand ol' Hall of Heroes. Heading up to the upper levels, I strut around and wait for the heroes to offer me tribute. An angry Hun tries to unload his axe on me but I opt for Mr. Ravenhooves's flaming longbow. After all, a high-class hero like me CAN pick and choose. And it's... abrupt ending time!
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