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Becoming a Better Zergling
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Date: 12/31/07 08:12
Game Type: Starcraft
Labels:Starcraft(1), Funny(1)
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Report Rating: 7.6, # of Ratings: 5, Max: 8, Min: 7
Lifetime Rating for Threefold: 7.8333

Welcome, my child. You have voluntarily chosen to lead a chivalrous existence, while enlightening yourself in the many ways of your own race: the Zerg. For this, I must applaud you, as our species is not known for its benevolence. In applying yourself to this lesson, you demonstrate the will of a noble hero. You shall set a fine example for the rest of the Zerglings in your brood, as I can foresee success in your endeavors at this very moment. Let's begin.

The first matter you must acknowledge as a Zergling, is the fact that you are a worthless piece of shit. Upon accepting this fact, you will heed the countless whims of your Hive without question. Your compliance will be recognized by your bretheren, and you will maintain a good reputation within the colony.

You must always remember that a subordinate Zergling, is a good Zergling. The greater Zerg units will constantly depend on your obedience for victory. Your unconditional submissiveness will ensure the well-being of the Hive. The following pictures provide specific examples of when your subservience will truly be honored.

In addition to letting other Zerg bitch you around, you must also learn to put yourself in the line of danger in order to protect the Hive Cluster. As a lowly Zergling, it is your duty to fling yourself into an advancing enemy flank without hesitation. I mean, you only cost a pathetic 25 minerals and half a supply, making you the least valuable soul in the known universe. Under such pitiful circumstances, I think it's only logical for a Zergling such as yourself to have an ambition to save the day whenever possible. Hell, I know if I was worth half a supply, I'd want to make a name for myself, even if it meant standing in the path of imminent danger and/or inevitable doom.

Now, approaching an enemy flank can put you in an awkward (not to mention risky) position. I know it's not the easiest thing to do, but I've devised a dastardly scheme in order to make matters more comfortable for meager Zerglings.

Once you have determined that the opponents have picked up your heat signature on their scanners, let them come to you. Besides the fact that it will conserve a whole lot of energy, they will not perceive you as a fearsome or adverse target. This will induce a momentary cease-fire, where you can engage in some small talk with your opponents! After you have gotten on their good side, let the more formidable Zerg units surround your new friends to do the slaying for you. It's fool-proof!

The next thing you should take note of is that Terrans are perhaps the dumbest cats around. I'm still perplexed as to how they managed to explore such distant corners of the galaxy. They're as dumb as a sack of creep, and that, my child, can be highly advantageous.

When you see a lone group of Terran infantry, do not be hesitant to approach them. In fact, the larger the group, the better, as more Terrans equals more stupid. Unless they have one of their high-tech machines to inform them that you are a member of the Zerg, they will not open fire. Being the morons that they are, they will be far too busy bickering amongst themselves, trying desperately to figure out what the hell you are. In some extreme cases, I've heard of Zerglings that were actually abducted as pets by the Terrans. Now, if that's not incognito, I'm not sure what is.

I don't care what you say. Zerglings can swim. Swimming is an excellent anaerobic exercise that will get you in superb condition. If done regularly, you will see an increase in your land speed as well as your attack rate. In essence, there will be no need for those silly Spawning Pool upgrades, which will save your Hive Cluster 300 minerals and 300 units of vespene gas.
When times are grim and food within the colony is scarce, Zerglings should always put themselves on the menu. This will temporarily quell the hunger of your fellow Zerg units, and will certainly put an end to any irritating restaurant chain karaoke.
Next, remember that the intelligence of the Protoss is vastly overrated. While they are not quite as oblivious as the Terrans, it shouldn't be too difficult to play some nifty mind tricks on 'em. When you see the opportunity to impersonate a Protoss hero, give it a shot.
Remember your frame. Use that small body to sneak by the enemy. A sizable Terran force presents no danger if they cannot detect you. During these covert missions, it's very important that you remain creative and resourceful. For example, try using an Overlord's shadow for cover if you encounter a force capable of destroying you. While it will save your tail, it will also allow you to collect valuable enemy logistics and intelligence for the Hive.
Your size can also come into good use if you can manage to infiltrate an enemy outpost. It's not the easiest move to execute, but if done properly, you will have provided your Cerebrate will invaluable intelligence.

However, don't let this opportunity go to waste. In addition to having a good look around, why not harass some of the worker units by means of verbal abuse? This will wreak havoc on the opponent's economy, in turn, slicing their macro down to a bare minimum.

Now for a desperation tactic.

If you're ever caught out in the middle of nowhere, without a spot to conceal yourself, it's time to play dead. Simply flip yourself over onto your backside and remain as motionless as possible. If you really want to be convincing, slash yourself in-between your carapace plates to inflict a small wound. While the pain will be bothersome, the blood may save your life as the enemy approaches.

Ah, so here we are. If you're still alive at this point, it means you've successfully become a better Zergling! You have doubled your physical fitness, learned the art of stealth combat, had a lesson or two involving covert operations, and tactical worker harassment. You have evolved into an integral unit of your Hive Cluster, and your fellow Zerg shall demonstrate omnipresent respect for your actions and bravery.

At the dawn of your success, there remains one more lesson to be learned. With your training completed, you will surely make an excellent father. The healthy set of genetics that you possess will ensure the strength of future Zerglings, and your legacy will remain eternal.

In order to get this legacy on the road, however, you must befriend the Queen of your colony. This is never a simple task, child. I've been turned down plenty of times by these Queens, and I'm the freakin' Overmind! Anyway, I can't lend you too much advice on this subject, especially considering the fact that I'm not the macdaddy that everyone thinks I am. What I can tell you, is that persistence and courage can get you places.

Go get 'em, tiger.

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