Hello 2 my 2nd battle report! if you don't know about my 1st, i suggest u don't find out ( though i know most of you won't check anyways, np, if u do, laugh it up as evry1 else has) in this BR i will try to improve the stuff that could have made the other one a pure gold, so this is wut i got so far...
NO CURSING AT OTHER CIVILIZATIONS AND ARMIES
BECAUSE I WON SUCH A CLOSE VICTORY I WILL NEVER PLAY AGAIN (the same level,hehe)
AND LASTLY... gimme a break, i won in hardest difficulty
can't figure it out yet?, lemme give ya a few clues: campaign of barbarossa mission 5? no town center?? a really filthy army???, and the winners are the people that guessed the right game... STARCRAFT!!... no, w8 a sec plz... uummm...scrach that, silly me, i meant WARCRA... < picks up phone and calls a gaming geek >, -uhum, uhuum, monkey pants, got it... AGE OF EMPIRES 2 W/ conquerors expansion!.
over to the lvl: the first time you see that MOUNSTROUS army and think: , think again after you read the third or something word.- AT LEAST 10 F@&*ing people, and to the people that are smart enough and creative 2 and think it's going to be hard because there is a lotta challenges ahead and the lvl could simply not be that easy, congratulate yourself, cause i woulda never thought about it. at first the objective was to get to constantinople and ask the kind (read hard ass MO FU...)emperor of the glorious city of constantinople to let me use his fleet, to whichever human beeing would have said "yeah sure, take my 9999999 florings worth of fleet for free to lose it to something i don't really know about, like jesus and stuff...", instead, still raging of fury for the looting of his city during the last crusade, he cursed me by saying my soon-to-be-destroying-his-palace/wonder army to be filthy and launched an immediate counter-strike(TM.) whit his entire force of cataphracts and onagers!
my forces stood their ground bravely, wondering what was behind/inside the house in their rear flank that caught the attention of one of my pikemen and the 2 only monks that were gold 2 me, along with my trebuchet and a couple of siege onagers that were all firing at will ( killing more of my troops than his, stupid siege stuff!), not knowing what to find, and, like, waiting for something to happen, in the most cartoonish way possible, someone yells aloud: an abandoned house?, and though what happened afterwards wasn't funny, it didn't shock me anyways, though a squad of 5 elite mameluker rughung out of a house on fire should be a scary prospect! imediately killing one close to my spearman,the rest of my un-fighting force not busy with the still red-hot raging battle viewable in the front lines, they charged with more confidence than smartness, because as soon as they would get close the camels ran away, still throwing daggers and killing my men. however a quick twist of the hand of god and my pikemen came back to my main line and my crossbowmen opened fire on the two remaining mameluke camels, killing two different kinds of troops, as in the death throes of the surviving mameluke, before being inmailed by a 5 foot pike, shouted ALLAH! and threw his remaining dagger at one of my monks, and with cellestial faith killed him by going through him like a hot knife through butter.
so the ambush was sprung, accomplished it's purpose of killing everyone they could and then dying a horrible, horrible death. as the last of the counter attacking cataphracts was cast to the ground and stomped by my paladins, i regrouped and counted casualties: 3 paladins, 2 crossbowmen, about 6 pikemen, a monk, 2 onagers (due to the hatred that the almighty hand of faith had towards them, they were crushed utterly during the chaos of battle to not arouse suspicions and to blame it on my own men who to this day argue that it killed more friends than enemies), and an almost destroyed trebuchet.
now it came to the time of finding his base and trying to make a futile siege against the infamous walls of constantinople. with the besieged army left with almost no now willing to fight troops, it became a very monotonous waiting game of unpack, blow to smithereens ( hint, hint...), pack, move, unpack... you get the idea.
after convincing myself that a full siege would, literally, take me a full day to complete, i decided to organize an expedition; a force of all my paladins ( fully healed thanks to the menjuries and weird chicken-like taste of soup, and small cilinders made of paper filled with some weirld looking grass that was suprisingly good for the morale, by saying:"this is sizzle fo' shizzle from god" as he smoked the elusive looking cone of grass) and a lone scout to storm the enemy wonder, the place where it was presumed the coward emperor now sith-ed, waiting with his still loyal guard of men. the objective: to "persuade him". the men were given all the honours and green grass they could, for they knew this was an almost ceartain one-way ride of victory or death.
the troops lined up, readied and suited up for battle, and in a first slow march, that went to some jogging, that turned into a full charge, they went through the storm of arrows they got from the castle just a few meters away from the wonder, taking a few bruises or two but extremely determined,they entered the wonder, and only five minutes later, a white flag was seen hanging on one of the last towers that remained in the outer circle, which made emperor constantine the sole cause of the destruction of his army and the anihilation of his entire walls, and that saw him in the pathetic position of asking barbarossa for his forgiveness, and, in the end, like a kid being told by his mum to share with his brother, let him use his entire fleet of ships, still intact.
with that simple discussion ended, it beacme a whole different ball game: a HUUUGE fleet of ships to transport a tiny army across the sea. as soon as saladin was made aware of the latest adquisition of my crusader army, he acted in a way that proves to history that saladin was an ass: he launched an attack against myfar superior, better manned, armoured fleet against his paper ships which tried to break the lines of my ships, wounding 2 of about 20, and in turn resulting in the complete and utter destruction of his fleet, which left him with nothing else than a dew ships which refused to act in accord with some idiot that thought he was chosen to free the land of christians and stuff, and as such became a fleet of pirates in no-good ships that had escaped the slaughter.
without any further hinderances, and after a rave party with the monk's now famoust paper cones of grass being given to the entire population, they sailed away to the holy land.( author note: it was not the attack of barbarossa that led to the destruction of the byzantine empire a few centuries later, it was the excesive use of leaves that grew in the forest next to constantinople (as opposed to the historians foolish theories of a turkish attack, rubbish!), that looked like triangles with spikes to replace the now over supply of the monk's secret fo' shizzle stuff, that the emperor himself found after waking up bare naked next to the sea with a very sore ass; after seeing he had run out of "stuff", he picked some leaves off the ground and smoked them, and even though he was half-dead for all the smoking he had last night with his "friends"-hint!-he noticed it was much better, tastier and shizzler that the other leaves, and for this honour we call this leaves, even to this day, in honour of emperor constantine: cannabis; which led to decadence and self destruction of their empire.)
the emperors army sailed for days, endless days, and the monk's super stuff was running out, until one day, someone shouted "LAAAAND!" and everyone started to jump in joy, until everyone actually realized what they where going to do: land in a beach full of angry sarracens that didn't like outsiders scratching their home turf; however, after landing in a very small beach, barely big enough for all troops to land together, barbarossa looked at the miles of flat dessert and sighed, "hell, this is gonna be a looong day", as he ordered his men to march south, to there there were supposedly enough men oh the Hospitallers to help them in their ambitious quest.
as the weeks passed, his men grew weary, old, thin, and thirsty, for no matter how much they would smoke to try and forget, the smoke turned their lungs into a dry basket of sand that painfully asked even for piss to satiate their lustful hunger. the day the troops saw a very small line at the horizon in the morning exited them, thinking they had finally gotten to thir allies' camp, which in turn led them to a feeding frenzy, for they smoked, drank, and ate to the pint of fatigue, taking their last remaining resources and threw them away.
the very next day the troops now hungry for help were met by a horrifying fact: those walls were no friendly walls, antd the towers and men inside weren't either; they were sarracens, warned by the lights and smoke that lighted the night before they got there. not believing their cursed luck and embarrasment, bot still sedated by the "stuff", they charged impetuously into their walls; a certain, if at all important, glorious death for sure. but as they closed, barbarossa leading the chage at front of the troops that remained and that called themselves an army ( beacuse no one else would think of such thing as an army, a group oh 500 or so almost dead men ) told his men to hold, to which they answered in hesitation. Did he want no flee? did he find no more purpose but to negotiate? no, he felt a strange shrudder and told to himself: " the ground rumbles as if alive........EARTHQUAKE!!!", too late. all of his men fell to the ground, with nothing to hold except their courage, as tightly as possible, and in a twist of fate, a crack went through the ranks of his force of men, suprisingly swallowing no one except the monk and his entire remains of grass. the men shouted in vein as the loads of stuff fell well below any sight, and some cursed at god for punishing them.
as the ground slowed down to a crawl and then to nothing but flat steady soil, the men and barbarossa looked around, stood up to find something amazing: the wall and towers were destroyed, and a path was clearly marked in between the ranks of the sarracens. not saying a word everyone stood up and charged with the same, or even more impetus that before, getting to the saracen lines that were all but destroyed and that withstood the worst part of the quake just a feo minutes early.
confusion amongst their lines, they fought bravely, killing few men in return to the entire force that stood in the brink of anihilationand that saw no more chice but to retreat. after such a victorious slaughter that saw the troops of barbarossa charging the enemy, sweeping them down to very few men. they saw two things that filled their hearts with fear and relief that marked them, they saw their allies castle just a little bit through the sarracens main force which had just arrived after the notice of the men that manned the destroyed towers and ruins that remained still after the earthquake struck it at their weakest points, to which barbarossa gathered his troops and men, after forming ranks, and whispered a couple of words to his remaining 9 paladins and scout, words that would soon be revealed to a very devastating effect.
FOR DEATH AND GLOOOORY! is the only shout that was heard before the sarracens saw a mob of sick, hungry, yellow-looking men as they charged towards them and decided to hold their ground, not making the mistake of the troops that were charged just a few minutes ago, and fighting bravely from their own caste they withstood the charge, that, suprisingly, was unsupported by CAVALRY, which took the right flank, ignoring the enemy completely and leaving their kinsmen for dead as they rushed to the hospitallers camp, EXACTELY 10 men, ten chosen dudes that survived though deception and murder, to be greeted by food, water and rest, after some smart ass man said: "Man, that shit is whack! go on and rest awhile will ya!".
the surviving sarracens, after wiping out the infantry in a last ditch battle that costed them half their forces, decided not to follow, certain that an assault against the hospitallers would mean suicide rather than bliss after such a high pitched battle.
so in the end it was a CRUSHING VICTORY for the teutons! ... who am i kidding??? i almost died and i ended up resorting to my last strategy: that of a suicide distraction attack while my cavalry went around and secured the ground of victory that day. not an easy lvl at all, despite the menjuries of my monk and the support of the byzantines, and the thoughts of most people who play AOE2 in easiest!
P.S.- to all the people reading this, i will try to give a teaching w/ every single 1 of the reports i make, frm the first and forward; and this teaching in particular goes to all the people that Hummiliated ( yes, with capital letters) me because of my first BR, so here goes ( you know who you are! ): first appearances do not decide how things are, it's the second one that counts.