Hello 2 my first battle report ever, but since i ain't good with intro gay stuff, ill go 2 da fakts:
_ NEVER PLAY AS TAU!
_Do not expect a long life by being a plasma rifle space marine
_always end any phrase, without any given reason, with the 3 key words: IN MY PANTS.
_now over 2 da match of warhammer 40k ( if ya didn't figure it out by now or you dnt loik da game...WATTA HELL R U DOIN"G HERE, MATE?!?!).
it was a very cold ( but sunny ) day nd 4give me if i can't give u + details, u wnt da report or not?? and it was the second day i had gone that week to try my brand-new space marine army (Brand new as in the fact that they were never used b4, not klean, bad painted -blame me 4 it- and with no reason 2 fight at all)
the day b4 was so embarrasing as to say, in a short, specific way, i will never get to very best in the whole ladder match at the games workshop store, with 3 consecutive losses and 1 draw, i had lost all hope for victory, until the next day i came into the store, looked for a very young player (make all those dirty thoughts, ya perv) to play with, cause i desperately needed to win if i wanted to sleep well that night.
the match had started in a very bad way: he had the first turn, he shot down more than half my assault squad (what are guys w/ chainswords doing in a place where there are people w/ guns???), and at that point i thought in a very serious ( read: gay) way to retire, but i stayed put, falling 2 the phrase IN MY PANTS to keep my composture and the sanity i HAd left. over to my turn, worse things happen: lost 2 of my marines due to his battle-suited commander -in my pants!- 's fire against my elite veteran squad nd commander, lost 2 of my plasma guns during firing phase with snake eyes nd xxx armor save (refer to 2nd fakt), and not in range to fire with my entire army!, when, suddenly, his troops started to die by lots. 1/2 of one of his squads got wiped out nd his kroot mercenaries ("my assault marines", said he in a stupid but confident voice) were down to 2 models w/ 3 wounds each after my veteran and Kommandant charged them. it was heaven. his almost entire force started to pull back to the surviving squad of 12 fire warriors, (do not be intimidated by title, there is nothing to fear) to make a last stand against the inevitable charge of my veterans and the fire of my marines in my firing line -Do'h-, hoping that their commander would save them, dead wrong; at the time my assault marines, withnessing the slaughter of the enemy kroots, laughed out of their vox-casters and turned around to face the real threat, the tau in elite kombat zuite. after charging and a battle that meant the brave immolation of the assault squad, the commander was kept busy in klose combat for 2 turns, enabling my veterans , along with my ever-elusive firing line, slaughtered the entire enemy squad of f- warriors, so massacrated into little pulp that it wasn't even funny, and as the end of the sixth turn came, despite his commanders hit-and-run tactiks agains my vet squad, the gong (or better said, her mum's bitchy MILF kinda voice said "time to go, sweety!") sounded, usual handshake stuff, and the proceeding of counting points for units killed... 50 points of his against 650 points of me! he was almost like me at the beggining of the match, red eyes, white face (no kiddin') and recounting points like crazy, so after a 2nd handshake at a cold hand, he left to probably never return again.
then i realized the only thruth about the match: i had won such a victorious slaughter that it almost took the entire sense out of playing any other warhammer 40 k games, so if you play this game, are kind of a noob in it, don't go looking for victory; train with the best, play 2 play nd not 2 win, but the most important rule, not by me specifically, but by a lotta people: HAVE FUN.