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"Brooke proceeded to plunge herself further in illiteracy by placing such words as "AW", "AF", and "NA". For her sake, I accepted "Na" because it's an abbreviation in the elements table."
- mattzarella's Fun in the Sun

A dearth of people who aren't dead, because everyone was killed.
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Date: 03/04/05 07:03
Game Type: Warcraft 3
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Report Rating: 5.0, # of Ratings: 1, Max: 5, Min: 5
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The following report contains content not suitable for children.

When the monkey reached the pot of honey, he was surprised to discover it contained nothing but oxygen. Turning to the oyster, he asked, "Where is the gold now?" The oyster said nothing.


In a clan grudge-match spanning generations and hours, xile and aKa clash in a bloody froth of bones, shattered fingers, and ripped cloaks. The only victors are the carrion birds. The only witnesses are you, and me.

The Players:

ThatTuaGuy. One of the better pancake mixers in orange county, Tua is determined to send Clan Akasha to the top, no matter what the cost. Wielding his fruity pink orcs with deadly skill, he is a solid backdrop to the scantily-clad elves of his partner.

Ziggy. After a rough incident involving vodka, mayonnaise, and the legendary leprechauns of the sea, Ziggy joined Clan Akasha, determined to leave his checkered past behind. His neon-green elves are masters of disguise, and can fade into a neon green background with sickening ease.

Team Exile:
Magus. Long after the spagetti had forgotten their battle, he remembered. Determined to wreak a terrible vengeance against lovers of pasta everywhere, Magus took up fork and knife, ready to do battle, his red humans covered in the tomatoey blood of his foe.

Tecret. Victim of a deadly typo, or just wildly insane? The truth is unknown. The only facts known about Tecret lead to the belief that he is deadly with a blender. His blending skills aside, this mynopic titan of terror wields his frost-bitten elves with skill and gigantic death robots.

Let the games begin.

The battle roars to a start, with all players frentically building structures, their gray alien overlords driving them to unheard-of heights of small building construction. Magus's tentacles spawn a barracks, altar, and farms in rapid succession at his entrance, while his partner Tecret puts twin Ancients of War in the "groovy" vegtable patch by his entrance. Moonwells explode into life by his tree, followed by a hunters' hall at the entrance. ThatTuaGuy(Henceforth known as "Tua") warps in a barracks and burrow, his probes peons also erecting an altar of partly cloudy. He quickly begins the upgrade to a stronghold. Ziggy (Henceforth known as "Ziggy") pops out a Keeper of the Groove before erecting twin ancients of war, and a hunters hall. Tua has petitioned the orc gods for a sandwich, and instead was awarded a farseer. Magus finally hit his pasta quota, and from the corpses of the dead noodles, blood flowed forth until an archmage was formed. Tecret turned his powerful "cloning cannon" on Ziggy's keeper of the groove, and an unholy keeper of the grove was formed, his sole mission to guard the "groovy vegtable patch".

All three other heroes rush to Magus's base in the top left, their capes flowing dramatically as they ran. His archmage posing magestically, Magus ordered the summoning of a water elemental. Entangles fly back and forth, crippling both sides. Wolves made of pure Gatorade flow across the battle field, their orcish master drooling wildly. Magus's arcane tower finally finishes, it's bolts of liquid death turning the tide. Ziggy and Tua head south, but miss Mexico, instead ending up outside Tecret's base. Sighting the large "wacky tobaccy" patch in the entrance, they abandoned their Mexico-bound flight plans and invaded. They are quickly repelled by the twin ancients, and head towards the middle, running into Magus's footmen and archmage. The two front battle dies down as Tecret returns to his base, and Ziggy chases Magus back to his base, managing to kill one footman.

5:15 minutes in, first battle is over.
Magus has a newly upgraded keep, his slave noodle workers building the stone structure as fast as possible. His army consists of 5 footmen, who have trained long and hard with ancient ninjas, learning the terrifying and difficult art of tilting their shields a bit. His wall-in is based around a barracks and four farms, with an arcane tower providing a terrifying defense force. He has an arcane vault and a lumber mill as well. They are not terrifying.
Tecret has a six huntresses, and is still tier one all the way, with dual ancients of war, and a huntress hall.
Ziggy has a mere five huntresses, and is tier one, baby! In fact, he's about the same as Tecret.
Tua has adopted a controversial strategy, and is madly teching to a fortress, its upgrade starting near the end of the first conflict. His burly, muscular grunts are armed with the top technology in cutting people open, and he has a war mill, a voodoo lounge, and a farseer.
All four decide that fighting each-other is not enough, and set out to make war on the peaceful inhabitants of the land. Tua managed to purloin a potion of invulnerability for his farseer, who has become level 2. Tecret swiped a greater potion of healing for his keeper of the grove, who also leveled, while Magus and Ziggy both rob someone of their gloves of strength +3, and level.
After a bit of this, Tecret and Magus decide to make terrible war on Ziggy, their eyes blazing with maddened hatred. Summoning their bloodstained warriors, they march on his base, determined to put a footstool in his groovy dance of love. Their combined forces number 6 footmen (with special ninja-trained shield tilting), 8 huntresses (with extra-sharp glaives (+1 to weapons)), several wisps, a level 2 keeper of the grove with entangle and force of nature, a level 1 mountain king with the bolt of doom, and a level 2 archmage with water elemental and brilliance aura. The forces of the valiant Tua and Ziggy consist of 5 grunts, high on mushrooms, 7 huntresses, 2 archers, a level 2 keeper of the groove with entangle and force of nature, a farseer with chain lightning and Gatorade Wolves, and a Tauren Chieftain with shockwave, who was just recently acquired by Tua.
Both sides race to Ziggy's base, with Tua teleporting in. Tecret bravely sends his huntresses to the front line, confident in their nearly-invulnerable armor. Magus's footmen mill behind them, itching to bury their blades into succulent pork-roast. Ziggy and Tua have huntresses and grunts sharing the fight, with the Tauren Chieftain eager to cut stuff. The battle roars to a start, with blades flashing in the sunlight, armor glinting heroically. A bolt of lightning smashes into a huntress, Tua's farseer chuckling evilly. The mountain king drops his pants for a moment, stunning a huntress with the sheer beardiness of his "hammer". Entangles fly from both sides, the roots grappling hunts to the ground. Tua's grunts move in on the left flank, pushing the huntresses back. Tecret detonates his wisps, whiping out a Gatorade wolf. Magus's archmage bellows the secret order, and the footmen lock their shields into a stance designed to deflect arrows, and look fashionable at the same time. Tecret recovers from Tua's vicious sideswipe, and eager footmen move in to secure the eastern flank. A massive shockwave roars through the battlefield, blasting through hunts and kicking dust into the archmage's face. A bolt of lightning smashes into huntresses and footmen alike, and mildly shocks the keeper of the grove. Finally, the spine of the Tecret/Magus offensive is broken, and they flee. Bellowing in rage, the forces of Tua and Ziggy follow close behind. All sides have suffered major losses, with Ziggy's force cut in half, and Tecret limping as well. All of the original heroes have hit level 3 except the archmage, while the new heroes remain level 1. The chase ends, and all sides head home to lick their wounds.
At Tua Headquarters, a weapon of mass destruction is being constructed. That's right: <i>he's getting tauren</i>. Not content with mere tauren, he also makes some WITCHDOCTAHS! Ziggy has created an ancient of wind and lore, his town hall now level 2. Magus has two arcane sanctums, and is busily upgrading to a castle. The unholy keeper of the grove's master, Tecret, has a level two town hall, but no technological buildings. He's relying on sheer tier 1 cheese, folks! Tua sends off a feral spirit into each enemy base. Tecret quickly slays his, but Magus loses a lumber peasant before Old Yeller is put down. Even as the wolves do their dirty work, the the glorious forces of the crusade are gathering. Waving their gigantic ninja stars and swords, the united army charges at Tua's base, screaming etiphets to BOBACUS, their terrible god. A magical scroll is thrown to the ground in disgust, and Ziggy's surprised army lands in the arms of Tua's grunts.
Our crusaders, Magus and Tecret, are sporting a full squad of archers, a handful of footmen, twin huntresses, scattered priests and sorceresses, as well as a keeper of the grove (3), Archmage (2), Firelord (1), and mountain king (1). The burly defenders of the Arab world have a mighty tauren on their side, frothing at the mouth in rage. He is joined by a handful of grunts, a masterful witch doctor, a handful of huntresses and archers, and a faerie dragon. Their heroic keeper of the Groove (3), farseer (3) and tauren chieftain (1) are having a smoke while the Crusaders charge. The crusaders unleash a scroll of protection, its magical runes of gay porn warding those covered in its embrace. The faerie dragon turns against its wiccan heritage, sending out "bolts" of green lightning, also known as police brutality, at any who dare cast a spell in its presence. A shockwave kicks up dust through the crusaders army, even as the burly defenders activated their own scroll of gay porn (protection). A bolt of chain lightning hits the crusaders army, as entangles fly back and forth. Red's sorceress's begin a strip team, slowing the reactions of the defending army. The two forces dance back and forth, units falling left and right. A thunder clap from our beardy dwarf sends grunts reeling, even as another stroke of lightning hits the attacking army. A new tauren is beamed down from outer space, roaring in fury as it attacked its foes with a giant tree stump. The Magus's archmage shouts an order, and his forces begin to focus their fire, but too late. Even as he drinks a potion of healing, the beardy mountain king is struck down. With a cry of loss, the crusaders teleport out. Tua has been reduced to his lusty tauren and heroes, while Ziggy has a few archers left. Magus lost all but a few of his units, though he has purchased the services of a traveling paladin. Tecret has a handful of archers, and his firelord and keeper of the grove. Their battle lust not quite expunged, all four begin to slaughter the innocent inhabitants of the land.
At last, the forces of Tua and Ziggy amass, determined to wreak vengeance on Tecret and Magus for interupting their plans to make a gigantic moon laser. Tauren, mountain giants, witch doctors, archers, and faerie dragons amass! With a blood-curdling shriek, they bludgeoned the "groovy" vegetable patch of Tecret, tauren bellowing a war cry as the troll witchdoctors danced, mushrooms flying through the air. Tecret is caught creeping as the combined armies of Tua and Ziggy smash into his base. Sending a call to his ally, Magus, he whips his dryads into full speed, he running into the back of their forces. He meets up with Magus, their combined army of knights, archers, dryads, sorceresses, and priests lead by a level 4 keeper of the grove, a level 2 firelord, a level 3 archmage, level 2 mountain king, and a level 1 paladin. Ziggy's archers and mountain giants, backed up by faerie dragons, hold off the forces of Tecret and Magus, while Tua bludgeons Tecret's base. The three armies trade blows, until Tua enters the fray, his tauren hewing at the knights of Magus with all their strength. Unfortunately for the gigantic mutated cows, Magus has a trick up his sleeve: flashing their cleavage in arcane symbols, his sorceresses turn the tauren to sheep! Even as they cast their spells, however, Magus's paladin falls to the ground, dead. The combined armies of Tecret and Magus pull back, attempting to lure team 2 to Magus's better-defended base. Ziggy takes chase, managing to bring down Magus's mountain king during the chase, but Tua stays, and continues to pound Tecret's base. The combined remaining forces of Magus and Tecret rally, and drive Ziggy back down to Tecret's base, where he makes a stand with Tua in the entrance to the 'groovy' patch. As magical bolts fly towards him, nearly ending his life, the Tauren Chieftain Hoofclaw Bigback drinks a potion of '1337', rendering him temporarily unkillable; but only until his mom makes him clean his room. Tua's cackling witchdoctors throw down gigantic sticks, their magic radiations healing the armies of Team 2. Magus's sorceresses once again thrust their hips at the tauren, immediately turning them into sheep. Magus's paladin, who has been reborn by the grace of the gods, dies again to a volley of archer fire and mountain giant fists. The keeper of the groove casts tranquility, healing all the units of team 2. The mountain king, Fallopian Rockfist, has revived, and is charging down to the battle. Magus's archmage, Firmnhard of the Rod, casts blizzard, the pieces of rock hard ice slashing into the amassed units of team 2. All the weapons of team 1 are brought to bear, smashing into one poor mountain giant, who slowly falls to the ground, dead. Magus's paladin, Sir Fredrick Diesalot, has been reborn, and charges down to join his comrades in arms. Team 1 pulls back, battered, leaving Team 2 to raze Tecret's base. Tecret, thinking quickly, hires a beastmaster while he still has moonwells, thus bringing the total of team 1's heroes to six. Tecret pulls his wisps out, scattering them across the map. About now, all the original mines are dead. No one has expanded.
Then they all die. Game over.

Post-Script: This report was written by me months ago, with the intent of being a collaboration with Zerg~Ling, in which he supplies the pretty photoshop images, and I supply the gosu writing. Since, looking back, this report's writing style is horribly inappropriate for any kind of legitmate report, I've decided to submit it as a text-only publication, al-la 'fan fiction'. Attempts to rate this as a serious 'battlereport' will be met with incredulous, mocking laughter on my behalf.

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