|"Unfortunately, the evil Protoss military-industrial complex had so heavily polluted the SCV's normal migratory pathway with cannons that not one made it to the mating grounds." |
- FunnyMarx's Much Ado About Nuking.
|The Potion Pimp and the Scurillious Skinner.|
|Date: ||12/22/04 11:12|
|Game Type: ||Other|
|Labels:||Famous Reporter(1), Rare game(1)|
|Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 2, Max: 9, Min: 8|
Lifetime Rating for Mark4: 8.6829
|Life is hard as a troll. I mean, really! On the other hand, there are compensations.
Still, it was a dark and stormy night when fate chose to intervene in my idyllic life. I was an innocent young troll, happily unaware of the seedy underside of Ogrimmar. I was merrily browsing the leatherworking shop when I heard an ominous whisper from a sinister fellow. 'PSST! Want to taste some potions? First few are free for a nice kid like you.' It was the infamous JohnnyVEGAS! Everyone knew of this dark potion pusher, this purveyor of perverted delights. I looked to my faithful companion, Edge the Scopid as if his gruesome face might hold the key to escaping from the silverleaf addict. Yup, all his faithful visage said was 'I'm hungry.' Of course, it always says that.
'What do you want of me?'
'Oh, nothing much at all. Just take these little potions, you'll love them!'
Hmmm...lion's strength. Lemme see what it tastes like...yummy! Well that wasn't bad! I feel Stronger! Faster! Better! 'Time to shoot beasts and take hides' I shout with glee. 'That's what I thought you'd say' Said the Peacebloom Pimp. 'Let's go to RFC.' 'RFC? Like the airport?' *sigh* 'Just walk this way.'
Down into the depths of ogrimmar we sauntered, past the innocent fruit vendors and into the lair of the thieves and warlocks. But Johnny was not the sort to stop there. Even further we ventured into a hellish place of monsters many times thier normal strength. Fortunately, I was so hopped up on troll's blood and healing potions I had not a care in the world. Well, heck, I bet we could take five of these guys at once!
Well, Let that be a lesson to you kids. Don't drink mead and fly gryphons, and don't shoot up defense potions and take your level fourteen guy into ragefire chasm with an orc alchemist. That certainly didn't work out as planned. 'Soooooo...got any more of them potions?' 'Sure kid, just try some of these.' Well, maybe our next adventure will work out better. I mean it almost has to. My poor scorpion has his carapace fractured in a dozen places, purple blood coming out his nostrils, and half his tail wacked off. Does he do the sensible thing and sting the hell out of me before getting out of town? Nope, the dumb critter gets a bandage, a snack of some godawful 'kodo jerky'TM and he's back to being happy and loyal. Of we go into the wilds of The Barrens. There we'll find prey more to our liking. Meat for the Scorpid, Hides for me, and a great experience for all! Okay, here we go! Okay!?! Okay Johnny?
'Hold on a second, let me just gather this one little herb....'
'This damn plains giraffe has half my leg down its twenty foot throat! Lay off the damn wacky weed and lend a hand!'
''Briarthorn! Okey Dokey, just one more second.'
Finally I got away from that damn giraffe when my scorpion Edge got half on one its legs down HIS throat. I managed to get Johnny 'The Swiftroot Stangler' Vegas away from his 'herbs' for a while and we headed southwest, towards enemy territory. That's right, those alliance fiends could be anywhere in the Stonetalon Mountains! We ran into a poor old tauren whose village had been devestated by some grimtotem thugs. Gathering my courage, well, specifically gathering a good slug of lion's strength happy juice in my gullet, I offered our services in helping out. Johnny agreed 'As long as I can get some herbs on the way.' Now thats true courage! I know I wouldn't die for what's in my pipe. Off we ventured into the depth of the mountains, slaying Grimtotem Brutes left and right. After we hit our alloted quota of gore, I suggested we head back to the old cow-man and claim out just rewards...and a well needed break. Johnny agreed, and we headed back. To be quite accurate, I headed back and Johnny ran like a crazed madman for some extremely rare 'bruiseweed'. 'What the hell are you doing?' I asked pointedly as he vainly scrabbled at the side of the hill. 'The rarest of herbs is up there, I can sense it! And if I get it, let's just say the troll ladies will love what my Gian Growth potions will do for you.' Well now, when the potion pimp puts it that way...'I'm coming to help!' It was a tough battle, carving our way through innumerable brutes and finally the herb guardian itself, a tremendous lizard that breathed lightning! A perfect physical specimen, covered with muscle and tough as heartcutter's boots. 'How about we catch a breather and CRUD!' Yah, covered with muscle, or as Edge the scorpid saw it, meat. We dived in after my very small brained pet and barely prevailed against the beast. And was all that effort worth it?
That's as gay as the time Bob spent three hours in a dark closet with T_Mac.
Herbless, We wandered in a daze, killing whatever crossed our paths in an ennervated frenzy. Soon though, we heard a peculiar cry for help coming from a hut ahead. Sort of like a bull whimpering into a hanky. Dispatching the guardian at the door, what should we see inside but a tauren girl! 'Hey baby, troll blood regenerates all sorts of organs amazingly quickly ^^.' 'Please help me! I need to get to my father back in the village!' 'What a coincidence, I need Mageroyal.' That Johnny, a one track mind. We agreed to escort her back. She sure seemed in a hurry to escape, if by hurry you mean refused to do anything quicker than a light stroll.
Well, I'm a patient troll, but Johnny wanted to get back to the orc bong shop. I mean alchemist, yah, that's the ticket. We had a little trouble, but managed the keep the tubby bitch alive and moving.
Whew, what an adventure. After a day like that, there's nothing like a little wyvern racing back to the comforts of Ogrimmar to cap off a glorious quest.
And with that my time with that freebasing freeloader Vegas comes to an end. With any luck I'll never see him again. Except a hit of stamina enhancer might hit just the spot right now. I don't NEED it you see, I'm in complete control. I just would enjoy it. Responsibly.