|"I may be in the minority here but the thought of Heartcutter in a tub of chlorinated water splashing about with some moistened tarts trying to (apparentely) gain some sort of sexual favor in order to procreate truly frightens me. Little Heartcutters....((shivers)) makes Blair witch look like disney."|
|Johnny Vegas the literate Orc in "The Unlikely Alliance"|
|Date: ||12/11/04 08:12|
|Game Type: ||Other|
|Labels:||Famous Reporter(1), Rare game(1), Fan Fiction(1)|
|Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 2, Max: 8, Min: 7|
Lifetime Rating for Johnny_Vegas: 8.4483
The adventures of Johnny Vegas the literate Orc
"The unlikely alliance"
ATTENTION! The following is a ficitonalized representation of
a World of Warcraft gaming session that took place on Dec 10, 2004 with
Mark4's 18th level Warlock and my 14th level Warrior. We are both member's of the nohunters guild on the Blackrock server.
*hands you some ale*
I be Johnny Vegas, orcish warrior of the Horde. Having
learned the basics of reading and writing from human captors during the
great war, I am able to pass this tale on to you.
I had just traveled from the Undercity on a previous mission to collect
ingredients for discolored healing potions, greatly cherished by my
tribe. To complete the recipe for these potions I was to hunt the
deadly Wargs of Silverpine so that I could brew their diseased and
rotting hearts into an elixir that would heal, ironic wouldn't you say?
My mission had been a success, but I had been quickly called back to my Orcish
homeland of Orgrimaar and reassigned to the Crossroads, a desert area
filled with much violence and uprising.
Arriving at The Crossroads I was soon joined by the nefariously deadly
Warlock. Alicefour had just arrived here in the
crossroads, having been reassigned from torture detail in the
Undercity. She loved her old job and certainly was not pleased to
have to consort with the likes of me. Still, the Orcish lords had
become more friendly with our Undead allies and "integrated missions"
were becoming more common. It was said that whatever the Horde
must do to keep pressure on the Alliance was to be done without
complaint. Those that did complain found themselves in the
company of Alicefour and her minions in the dreaded chambers deep
beneath the Undercity.
It seemed that a local Alchemist greatly needed the spores of a rare
and poisonous mushroom, that was to be found nearby at an Oasis.
My commander sent Alicefour to accompany me just in case the possessors
of this deadly fungus were reluctant to give it up.
Alicefour: "I SHALL REMOVE THE FUNGUS FROM THEIR COLON IF NEEDED"
Certainly this Warlock meant business. She even summoned a pet by
the name of "Zharvog" I believe was its name. It was a large
creature from another plane of existance that did not enjoy being
stared at. What it did enjoy was releasing the most foul gaseous
odor at random times, especially whenever I partook of my breakfast.
We ventured forth. Before leaving the Crossroads behind I was
coerced into sharing some healing potions with the witch. She
presented me with an alternative that I did not find appealing, so I
conceded the brew to her.
On the way to the oasis we were attacked by a band of viscious giraffes
hungry for our blood!!! We managed to slay the beasts, using a
combination of my axe, Alicefour's foul curses and the efforts of her
smelly pet. Afterwards Alicefour insisted on inspecting the
giraffe's "nether regions" for any sign of it having grazed on the
fungus. These Barren giraffes, uniquely were known to graze on
these normally deadly mushrooms.
Finally hot and thirsty we arrived at the fabled Oasis. There we
happened upon the mushrooms that we sought. As I stooped to
harvest the rare fungi a sudden jolt of pain coarsed through my
body. Turning I saw that some creature had attached itself to my
"HELP ME!!" I cried, as I was slowly drug towards the dark waters of
the Oasis. Laughing, Alicefour approached, after what seemed like
an eternity for me of grasping for my axe and clawing at the dirt for a
handhold. Now I understood why she had been chosen for this
quest... piercing bolts of dark energy sprung from her outstretched
hands. I turned to see the rapidly decaying attacker
release my foot and recoil as its mottled green skin started to shrivel
and age before my eyes.
The sudden activity had roused the lake. Soon dozens of hungry
snapjaws were emerging from the brackish waters to feast upon us.
The element of surpise removed, I charged into their packs, bringing my
great axe around in viscious chops. I quickly learned that their
shells were impervious to any sort of attack and focused on beheading
the foul creatures. My wounds dripping with blood only served to
increase my rage, chopping and hewing like a mad man, I soon had a pile
of heads at my feet.
Meanwhile the Warlock and her minion were not being idle. Arcs of
bluish-black death streamed from her outstretched arms holding back the
aquatic terrors. Her summoned minion fearlessly grappled with a
snapjaw that had ventured to close. Becoming overwhelmed, I
noticed that Zharvog had been drug into the lake. Alicefour more
graceful than I thought undead could possibly be, ran and dove into the
Weak from the battle, I waited. Eventually I assumed the
creatures of the deep had vanquished her, so I continued to harvest the
precious mushrooms. Long minutes went by and just as I was
prepared to leave I readied my axe for another emerging turtle.
But alas, it was no turtle, but Alicefour. She had Zharvog in
tow, and had taken the time to fashion a necklace out of the snapjaws
"The vile Warlock doesn't have to breathe", I thought to
myself. She had dove into the waters, slayed scores of the
beasts, feasted on their souls and fashioned for herself what she must
consider to be a fashionable piece of jewelry.
"Hey next time could you make me a shell hat?" I bellowed
jokingly. Alicefour smiled so wickedly that I swore to
never give her a reason to do so again.
As we were leaving the oasis we were ambushed by Bristlebacks trying to
get their hands on the rare and toxic mushrooms. They had
witnessed our battle from afar. But after slaying a few,
the rest saw Alice's necklace, thought better of confronting us and
fled like little children.
Night had fallen back at the Crossroads, without a word, the Warlock
threw a sack of the mushrooms down at the Orcish Alchemist's
feet. With wide eyed terror in his eyes at the site of Alice's
horrific necklace, he could barely whisper "thanks".
"YOU WERE OF USE TO ME, PERHAPS IT WILL BE SO AGAIN" was all that she
said to me, as she gripped an ornate stone. Her ghastly form
dematerialized and slowly drifted away into the night air.
"She's back to the Undercity", announced my commander. "Next time, a greater challenge awaits you."
"I hear Trolls are decent warriors..." I desperately suggested.
With a grunt, my grinning commander headed to the tavern. I
"Your next adventure will be to escort a group of non-heterosexual
goblins to Booty Bay. The ship is docked in the nearby port city
And I thought it couldn't get any worse than spending the day with an undead warlock!
"Oh yeah", my commander added, "I guess the goblins need this Thunder
Lizard Lubricant." pointing to a barrel, "Must be for one of their
'inventions'. You are to deliver it personally." he said. With that the tavern erupted in laughter and
I don't like the way the goblin smiled at me when I arrived the next day...