Ladies and gentlemen my name is Drintr,
and I am the proud host of battlereports.com’s first reality battlereport.
Last week I searched the world for five suitable candidates to participate
in my new reality series. Considering the results, I will admit that I
should have spent more time searching. However, since two of the five
contestants are raters, I won’t complain any longer.
For the uninformed, my reality battlereport will work like this: Every week
I’ll give the report’s contestants one task that they will have to complete
online in a warcraft or starcraft game. Once each contestant has submitted a
replay of their game, I will write a report that features a summary of each
game played. Then you, the reader, will vote off the player you think did
not complete the task as successfully as his competition. The winner of the
series will then be unofficially named, "The Rook."
Hailing from the proud nation of (chuckle) Canada, Dagomar is
competing for pride. “[This] is a fun little competition,” Dagomar said. “I
might as well get something after not getting in the HOF yet.” But despite
his obvious bitterness over his recent loss in the polls, Dagomar says he is
prepared to do whatever it takes to win this competition and be named “The
“I'm willing to tip every cow, topple every granny, and pluck every
chicken,” Dagomar said. “I'll curse, I'll rob, hell, I'll even murder to
attain the most cherished and respected title in professional sports.”
Raider: Some people have participated in this
battlereport because of the money, some are in it for the woman, and some
are just after power. Raider only wants fame. When asked why he wanted to be
named “The Rook,” Raider’s answer was brief and specific: “I want to be
Zerg~ling: Out of every
contestant, Zerg~ling gave the worst answer after being asked why he wanted
to win this reality battlereport.
Drintr: Why do you want to be named "The Rook?"
Zerg~ling: I do?
Luckily, Zerg~ling recovered after this initial blunder.
Zerg~ling: Oh it’s the prize?
Zerg~ling: I see. Well obviously because of the opportunities it gives me.
I'm interested in hosting Survivor 2008.
It’s an uphill battle from here Zerg~ling.
Mattzarella: This guy is an
interesting character, and from day one I knew he was going to be a handful.
Look at what he wrote in the e-mail he sent me at the very beginning of the
series (he was volunteering to be a contestant in this e-mail):
sounds like a neat idea - i'm in, provided that our city isn't swept away
by a hurricane
First day in, and Mattzarella was already preparing his excuses. Sickening,
really. But despite his faults, Mattzarella commands respect from his peers.
“Mattz will go far, Dagomar said. “…just because, well, he's quite gay.”
When I first read Dagomar’s comment I thought that he was using the word
“gay” in a looser context. Now I am starting to rethink my initial
Drintr: How far are you willing to go to be named "The Rook?"
Mattzarella: I will make out with Endersshadow, but I don’t think I would go
to third base.
Drintr: Don't know him well enough?
Matzarella: He told me he was saving himself for Jaood.
Contestant number five is Endersshadow. If you don’t know who
this guy is, I think this picture, posted by Zerg~ling about five months
ago, explains everything.
“He's absolutely abysmal at Starcraft,”
Dagomar said. Later, when I interviewed Zerg~ling about Endersshadow gaming
abilities, I got a similar response. “Ender doesn't know how to play either
[starcraft or warcraft],” Zerg~ling said. “[However,] I’m sure he’s a good
person at heart.”
But all this criticism has only made Endersshadow tougher. “I just hope I
win so I can rub in a few people's faces,” he said.
Now that I have introduced you to this report’s five contestants, I can tell
you this week’s task. Every contestant had to play an online game that
featured a weird strategy. It did not matter if the game was a 1v1 or a 2v1
comp stomp; as long as the game was over six minutes and featured an
interesting strategy, it was legitimate. As the reader, your job will be to
read the game summaries I have provided in this report and then “vote off”
the player you felt utilized with the worst strategy.
Map: Fastest Map Ever
Game Type: 2v1 (Comp Stomp)
The fun begins with Mattz (terran) located at the bottom right corner of the
map, and his ally, Stealthy-Killa (zerg), located at the bottom left corner.
Immediately, Mattz walls off his choke with supply depots and floats a
barracks north of his base to scout for the computer. The floating barracks
soon finds the protoss computer located directly north.
Engineering Bay Rush
With his choke walled off,
Mattz starts producing a hell of an amount of
tanks to guard it. Meanwhile, he starts building engineering bays. A lot of
engineering bays. I mean, just a ridiculous amount of these things. Eighteen
minutes into the game, Mattz flies his engineering bays west to his
opponent’s base. The bays effectively cover everything.
But Mattz would never do something like this without reason. And being the
nice guy that he is, he explains to Stealth-Killa that he is trying an
invincibility trick that he learned on a starcraft website.
How I learned to stop worrying…
But of course, Mattz’s did not spend the last eighteen minutes of the game
just building engineering bays. Mattz also found it prudent to construct
eight nuclear silos.
Mattz arms the silos and loads up 16 ghosts into two drop ships. He then
flies the special ops team to his ally’s base. Stealthy-killa,
unfortunately, remains ignorant of what is to occur. South of
base is a clump of overlords, and Mattz uses the clump to conceal his drop
ships and sixteen ghosts. Once the ghosts all land, Mattz targets two
nuclear missiles at the nearest buildings. The nuclear blast destroys the
hatchery, most of Stealthy killa’s overlords, and the nearby miners.
Mattz moves the rest of his ghosts north, and launches more nukes to destroy over
half of Stealthy-killa’s hatcheries.
is unfortunately unable to counter with any sort of effective
resistance because of a lack of offensive troops. In fact, the only thing
that Stealthy-killa really had at this point was a lot of hives located at
an expansion north of his base. Why Stealthy-killa decided to expand on a
fastest-map-ever map, I do not know. Why he decided to upgrade all of his
hatcheries into hives, again, I’m not sure. The strategy is an odd one, and
I suppose an explanation for it might be a secret battlereports.com-like
site somewhere on the internet that Stealthy-killa is a hot reporter for.
The mass hives bit might have been a crazy strategy that
planning to report on in a battlereport series reminiscent of Drefsab’s “To
Kill a Newbie” series. But I digress. What I know for sure is only that
Stealthy-killa’s hives north of his base did not last long.
Mattz moved his
ghosts to the expansion and nuked the hives located there.
…And love the bomb
Stealthy-killa took some initiative and built hydralisks at his few
remaining hatcheries in his main base. The attempt came too late, however,
and only a few seconds after the hydralisks hatched, they too were nuked.
With the destruction of almost all his hatcheries, Sealthy-killa
surrendered. Mattz then proceeded to mop up the computer with his siege
Map: Lost Temple
Game Type: 1v1
Zerg~ling starts the game with a command center at the 3:00 position. He
builds a single scv, and then mines until he has 216 minerals.
then lifts his command center and floats it to the northern island. The five
scvs left in Zerg~ling’s base scout the map and eventually find their enemy,
EstentOr, at the 6:00 position.
By this time, EstentOr has one zealot, and another just about to finish
building. Without hesitation, Zerg~ling orders his five scvs in
EstentOr’s base to attack one of the enemy pylons. The two zealots meanwhile just
watch, disbelieving that five scvs could possibly destroy anything. The
pylon gets to 300 health, and the zealots still watch. The pylon gets to 200
health, and the zealots still watch. Finally, at 164 health, the zealots
realize that the scvs might actually succeed in their mission. The zealots
attack and destroy three of the scvs, but are too late to save the pylon.
The two remaining scvs circle around the enemy base while being chased by
the zealots. In his northern island base, Zerg~ling
constructs scvs and
gears up his economy.
After several minutes of chasing the scvs around his base – really a
dizzying experience – EstentOr’s zealots finally destroy them. All this
excitement gives Zerg~ling time to build a barracks, a factory, and two
starports on his island. After Zerg~ling’s scvs finish building the
starports, Zerg~ling orders the construction of wraths and drop ships.
Zerg~ling’s factory builds siege tanks to further assist the attack force.
A wrath eventually pops out of one of the starports, and
Zerg~ling sends it
to EstentOr’s mineral line. The wrath, upon arriving, starts firing at the
probes and succeeds in killing one of them. EstentOr responds by building a
cannon near his nexus, and moving his probes down to his natural where they
can be protected by the cannons already located there. After
cannon morphs in, it destroys the lone wrath. During this time,
continues pressuring his opponent by flying a drop ship with two tanks down
to the cliff overlooking EstenOr’s natural. The tanks siege on the cliff and
then fire on the nearby cannons and nexus. The tanks destroy the nexus, but
are chased of the cliff by zealots recently dropped there by a shuttle.
Zerg~ling loads the tanks up and flies them west where they can join an
attack force of tanks and wraths located below EsentOr’s base.
wraths acting as a means for the tanks to see the gateways on the cliff
above them, the tanks fire and destroy one of the gateways. At this point,
Zerg~ling has three wraths and six tanks decimating the enemy base.
tries attacking Zerg~ling’s force with a small group of zealots and dragoons,
but the force is obliterated by Zerg~ling’s more powerful army. The army
destroys the remaining buildings and claims victory. But the game does not
Zerg~ling scouts with wrath and notices that
EstentOr has another base at the
3:00 position. He sends seven tanks and eight wraths to the base, and is met
by another weak defending force consisting of zealots. The zealots attack
but are pulverized by the tanks and wraths. After defeating the defenders,
Zerg~ling orders his tanks to destroy the base.
EstentOr leaves; Zerg~ling
Map: Big Game Hunters Fastest Map Ever
Game type: 2v1 (comp stomp)
Out of every contestant, Dagomar will have to overcome the most obstacles if
he wants to win. As Mattz so bluntly put it in a recent interview:
Drintr: Who do you think will get voted off first?
Mattzarella: Hmmmmm. Well Dag lives in Canada and he lives around a lot of
French people. And the French lose everything. So I’d say Dag.
Drintr: That’s an interesting line of reasoning.
Matzarella: I’ve put a lot of thought into this.
Dagomar decided that his best bet would be to play a game on the highly
acclaimed fastest map ever with the chat handle “thisrepwillbebred.” His
ally was the esteemed the_dragoneer. We know he is an esteemed figure
because not many people have definite articles preceding their name. The
opponent? The computer controlled Fenis Brood.
The game starts with Dagomar’s nexus located in the middle-bottom position.
The_dragoneer was located relatively nearby in the left-middle position.
Dagomar immediately starts working, and begins building pylons in the center
of the map. Meanwhile, the_dragoneer, commanding the zerg, sends an overlord
around the map to scout for the lone computer opponent.
The Hidden Message
Four minutes into the game,
Dagomar has still not built a single combat
unit. However, he has built quite a few pylons. Now I’m not one to look too
deeply into things, but I don’t think anyone would be silly to suggest that
Dagomar’s pylons are starting to form letters.
During this time, The_Dragoneer succeeds in finding the Fenis Brood with a
scouting overlord. An “M” meanwhile is created out of pylons by
The_Dragoneer ignores the letters and builds hydras which are promptly
marched to the choke point outside the enemy base.
Back at home, Dagomar creates a few robotics facilities, and begins to
research reaver upgrades.
And in the middle of the map, a “B” and an “S” are created. What could this
The_Dragoneer must not have understood the message and orders his hydralisks
to attack the enemy base. The hydralisks tear through the enemy base and
decimate all resistance from the Fenis Brood. Dagomar, however, is nowhere
to be seen near the battle scene. Instead he loads up seven shuttles with
reavers and sends them in the completely opposite direction of the
First the mysterious message and now this? One can only imagine what
the_Dragoneer was thinking. Eventually he wises up and cancels his alliance
with Dagomar, who, by then, had his seven shuttles flying over
The three hydras guarding the_Dragoneer’s base start firing at the shuttles.
Unfortunately they are too late, and the shuttles drop their payload. Reaver
fire kills the hydras within seconds and begins destroying the hatcheries.
The_Dragoneer responds by morphing all of his larvae into hydras. Meanwhile,
the hydralisks in the now-destroyed computer base are ordered to return back
to the_Dragoneer’s base.
After all but two of the_Dragoneer’s hatcheries are destroyed, the hydralisk
eggs hatch and start attacking the invading reaver. The reavers counter with
scarab fire and obliterate the hydras before much damage can be done.
The_Dragoneer’s army of hydras, still far from
continues slithering to their homeland. Unfortunately, the_Dragoneer must
have ordered the hydras to attack move, and instead of heading straight to
their home base, the hydras start firing on the letter-forming pylons
between the computer base and the_Dragoneer's
realizes his mistake, but by now his only remaining building is a hydralisk
den. He orders his hydras to ignore the pylons and head straight home. Will
the hydras make it back to their base before their den is destroyed?
No, not even close.
Map: Lost Temple
Game Type: 1v1
Raider begins the game with…
What the hell is this!?
Pardon? Who said that?
This is Rook.
Rook? As in the battlereports.com mascot?
Yes, sheesh Drintr, I can’t believe you would hold a competition that
rewards the winner with ‘The Rook’ title, and not invite me to it.
Umm, I did invite you.
The hell you did!
Well, umm, would you like to help provide some commentary on the last two
I will provide commentary, whether you like it or not. So what game is next?
Ohh, Raider! I love that guy. You know, I voted for him in the last HOF
He wasn’t even a candidate!
He was a write-in. I hope he wins this competition!
Rook, you’re going to have to be a bit more impartial if you want to provide
Yaya, let’s get to the game.
Raider’s Game (for real this time)
Map: Lost Temple
Game Type: 1v1
Drintr: Raider starts out as terran at the 6:00 position. He immediately
produces scvs and sends one to build a supply depot at his choke.
Once the scv finishes building the depot, Raider sends it to scout out his
opponent, QualityCrayons. Raider meanwhile walls off his choke with another
supply depot and a barracks
Rook: His opponent’s name is
Drintr: Yes, Rook, it is.
Rook: Well that’s kind of stupid.
Drintr: Well I don’t think Rook is that great of a name, either.
Rook: Rook separates two fingers an inch apart from each other. I’m this
close to banning you.
Drintr: Err, hey look! Raider’s scouting scv has located
QualityCrayons’ protoss base at the 12:00 position.
Rook: Psh, there’s nothing too amazing about that.
Drintr: And this is interesting. Now Raider’s scouting scv has moved out of
QualityCrayons’ base and is building a barracks below it. If completed, the
barracks would serve an excellent tactical advantage. Good. The barracks is
completed, and now Raider is producing marines from it.
back at home is also making marines, and in fact –
Rook: Sheesh, look at all the scvs he has mining minerals! It’s only four
minutes into the game, and Raider has about twenty scvs mining. Oddly
enough, Raider doesn’t have a refinery yet.
Drintr: That does seem a bit strange, but it looks like an explanation is
coming soon. Look! All of Raider’s scvs have stopped mining and are now
heading toward the protoss base. Raider’s marines are accompanying them. The marines from the barracks near
QualityCrayons’ base have joined
the attack force. Now the entire army is heading up QualityCrayons’ ramp.
Rook: Tsk, tsk. This might be the end for
QualityCrayons, he only has three
dragoons guarding his ramp.
Drintr: And worse still,
QualityCrayons is retreating the dragoons! He’s
giving up the height advantage. Rook, your thoughts?
Rook: Without the height advantage those dragoons stand no change against
the marines and scvs.
Drintr: You’re right, they are being torn up now by the army.
Crayons is having to use his probes for defense. I think
Raider has won the game.
Rook: Those marines and scvs are dominating. All
now is a single reaver.
Drintr: QualityCrayons is trying some fancy microing with the reaver by
letting it fire and then picking it up with a shuttle before it can be
attacked. I don’t think this tactic will work for too long against
Rook: That’s probably true, Drintr.
Raider is now chasing the shuttle and
targeting the reaver whenever it lands. Bam! He’s destroyed it.
Drintr: Well that’s the game. Without his reaver,
QualityCrayons has no
units to defend his base with.
Rook: Great scv and marine rush. GG.
Map: Plunder Island
Game Type: 1v1
Drintr: Well it looks like
Endersshadow’s replay is next.
Rook: Endersshadow? Hah. 5:1 odds say that he dies to peon rush.
Drintr: You don’t think
Endersshadow will win in his own replay?
Rook: I don’t think Endersshadow can win any replay. The only exception is
if his opponent disconnects, and even then, it might get tricky.
Drintr: The replay is starting now, and it looks like – well isn’t that
adorable? Endersshadow is using the chat handle “iHeartdrintr.”
Rook: What the hell?
Drintr: Plus 10 bonus points!!! Good luck
Endersshadow! It looks like
Endersshadow, I mean iHeartdrintr =D, is playing as undead on the plunder
island map. His opponent is the aptly named Human.Solo. Nothing too
interesting is happening now. Endersshadow has just finished building the
standard crypt, ziggurat, tomb of relics and altar of darkness, and now he
is summoning a death knight. Rook, your thoughts?
Rook: He is such a suck-up.
Drintr: Enderrshadow is now sending the death knight up north for some early
Rook: Hah! His hero is headed straight into the path of
Drintr: Endersshadow! Watch out!
Rook: Human.Solo’s paladin is laying the smack-down on him. GG!
Drintr: But wait a second, the death knight is dodging the army and is
heading straight for Human.Solo’s peons. Oh no,
Human.Solo has chased the
death knight away before it was able to do much damage.
Rook: What a loser.
Drintr: Hey! Don’t talk about iHeartdrintr that way. Look! The death knight
has turned around and is heading back to the peon supply line. He has killed
two peasants. Go Endersshadow!
Rook: Well that’s strange. Where did
Human.Solo’s army go?
Drintr: Yay, that is a little bit… oh dear.
Human.Solo army has launched an
all-out attack on Endersshadow’s town hall.
Rook: Since the hall is currently upgrading, it cannot fire at the invading
footmen. It looks like Endersshadow will have to teleport his death knight
to his base if he wants to fend off the attack.
Drintr: Uh oh, this doesn’t look good for
Endersshadow. His hall of the dead
is already at half life. Okay good, the death knight has arrived and is now
attacking the footmen with some ghouls. Acolytes from the gold mine are
heading to the hall of the dead to repair the damage that
Human.Solo is doing to
it. Human.Solo is retreating! Yay,
Rook: Bah, beginners luck.
Drintr: I’m not so sure about that.
Endersshadow has regrouped his forces
and is attacking Human.Solo.
Rook: You know, this strategy doesn’t seem very creative to me.
Drintr: Bah, it’ll creative soon. You’ll see. In the mean time,
is kicking ass. He has just surrounded and killed a footman with ghouls. And
now Endersshadow is doing the same thing to
Human.Solo’s paladin. He has
killed the paladin!
Rook: Whoop-dee-do, it was only level one. And look,
are forcing Endersshadow’s army into retreat.
Drintr: Hmm, well that’s interesting. Back at home,
Enderrshadow has built
two temples of the damned. He has researched master banshee training, and
now he is building an army of banshees. Oh, very clever,
Endersshadow is now
moving around the map and possessing the creeps. That is a creative
Rook: Only if Enderrshadow pulls it off. And Drintr, that is a big “if.”
Drintr: Wait a second, a message is coming in from
Rook: Hmm, I don’t even think
Enderrshadow would fall for that one.
Drintr: Wait, more is coming.
Drintr: Well it looks like
Enderrshadow is not going to
put up with this nonsense, and he is
moving in for the final kill. So far, Enderrshadow
has six possessed gnolls and five
possessed ogres. Solo.Human has an army of spell breakers, riflemen, and
Rook: And here comes the battle. Oh my God,
Enderrshadow is actually
Drintr: Of course he is winning. His ogres and gnolls are tearing through
the opposition. The remaining banshees are possessing the riflemen.
Endersshadow has also wisely activated a book of the dead to give him extra
reinforcements. Human.Solo has teleported into his base.
pursuing, but it looks like he does not have the manpower to breach the
Endersshadow has retreated. I knew his strategy would fail.
Drintr: Now what just a minute, Rook. Both players are out of gold.
Endersshadow has an expansion on the northern plateu, but
have anything. If Endersshadow can keep
Human.solo from getting an
expansion, Endersshadow will win the game. It looks like that is what
Endersshadow is doing too.
Endersshadow has moved his troops to the left
north expansion and has spotted Human.Solo’s currently under-construction
Rook: It looks like this will be the game’s final battle. Watch
Drintr: Here comes the enemy army.
Endersshadow is focus firing on
Solo.Human’s level five paladin. The paladin has fallen! Now
finishing off the rest of the army. Victory! With the enemy army defeated,
Endersshadow has easily destroyed the expansion. Now he is heading over to
Endersshadow’s main base.
Rook: Wait a second, a message is coming in from
Drintr: You heard it first from us folks. Beat
Human.Solo, win a dollar.
Drintr: Oddly enough, Endersshadow
still has not won yet. Human.Solo
must have another expansion. Endersshadow is scouting the map and has
located it at the bottom right. Human.Solo is pleading for his life, but
it’s not working.
Drintr: And that’s the game.
Rook: I cannot believe Endersshadow won.
Alright, now that you've read the
battlereport you can finally vote off the player you felt used the worst
strategy. After a few of days I'll officially announce in the forum which
player got voted off.