Raiders of the Lost Ankh
In the beginning, a burrow was built. Then an altar. For most players
this wouldn’t have been enough; most players would have proceeded to build
more burrows, a barracks, maybe a war mill just for show. But at that time,
an altar and burrow was enough. For a blade master named Kajind, it was too
When Kajind was fully summoned he inspected the base surrounding him.
"Smood Puddles!" he thought. "Another newbie."
Kajind’s assumption, however, was not too accurate.
Drintr was no newbie. In fact, he was just the opposite:
Drintr was a newbie slayer. And like all good
newbie slayers, Drintr knew that the best way
to kill a newbie was to utilize the ridiculous strategies that only a newbie
"How’s it going Kajind?" Drintr asked.
"Drintr? What the hell does that name mean?"
"I don’t know, I just thought it sounded cool when I thought of it."
"So what’s going on commander?"
Drintr smiled. "Just some old-fashioned
"Well that sounds really great. Oh! I have an idea! How about you build a
barracks, that way we can make units to slay the newbie. Moron." Kajind
"No can do," said Drintr. "That’d be against
"What the hell."
"During this newbie-bashing game, I can only build peons, heroes, and
raiders. That’s it."
Kajind looked more impatient. "With all due respect
Drintr, even when compared to Jessica Simpson that plan would look
Drintr interrupted. "I thought heroes
couldn’t make conversation with their masters."
Kajind thought for a moment, and then shut up. He would stay that way for
the rest of the game.
Drintr hadn’t invested any gold into a
barracks, and because of this he had plenty of money for a town hall
upgrade. This was to be a golden age for the orcs. The peons inhabiting
Drintr’s base were completely ignorant of
anything that could possibly do them harm in the greater world. They only
knew about building, repairing, and the joys of procreation. They built
burrows and monuments praising Drintr’s name. A
war mill was constructed, dedicated to their fearless hero Kajind. A peon
named Peter, during his leisure time, even invented an instrument that made
the joys of procreation even more joyful. All was well, until the blizzard
Kajind had left the base to go creeping in the lost temple.
Drintr’s human opponent,
Luckymoney, had meanwhile scouted Drintr’s
base with his level one archmage. Seeing that no hero defended
Drintr’s base, the archmage freely cast a
blizzard spell on the little trade route between the
Drintr’s gold mine and town hall. The peons scattered; some jumped
into burrows while others took refuge in the nearby wood cutters’ camp.
ran back to his home base. Meanwhile, the archmage moved further into
Drintr’s homeland and cast a blizzard that
targeted the peons working in the lumber camp. Peter – known then as Peter
the Joyful – was the first to die. Finally, Kajind the Blademaster arrived
at the base to defend against the archmage. Spears from the burrows assisted
Kajind, but the firepower was not enough to stop the archmage from casting
one last blizzard on the gold mine trade route. As a result, another peon
fell dead. Before the archmage could be killed, he teleported from the base.
Drintr was furious. Resolved to never allow
anything of that sort to happen again, he decided to establish the orc
kingdom’s first department of homeland security. The archmage later raided
the base twice more, killing more peons in the process. The department of
homeland security obviously was not enough to ensure safety;
Drintr finally decided to screw it and just
build a tower.
With the raids finally at an end and the town center fully upgraded, two
beastiaries could be made. Raiders poured out of the buildings and followed
Kajind as he scouted for Luckymoney.
First, Kajind scouted the eastern position. There was no rationale behind
this, really. I suppose Kajind could have chosen east because Mecca is
located to the east; we certainly can’t rule that possibility out. But
whatever his reasoning, Kajind went east and found nothing. He then went to
the northern expansion spot and found two towers and a town hall under
construction. The raiders following Kajind mercilessly destroyed the
buildings before Luckymoney’s army could arrive
at the scene. For the peons back home, Peter the Joyful’s death had been
still was not satisfied. Realizing that
Luckymoney’s army was guarding the eastern part of
Luckymoney’s base, Drintr
came up with a plan. His raiders, then 12 in number, were split into
two equal numbered groups. The first group went to the northern entrance of
Luckymoney’s base while the second group – with
Kajind – stayed at the eastern entrance. The first group began the attack.
The raiders swept in, destroying a guard tower before it could be completed.
The chaos caught the attention of Luckymoney’s
army, and it moved west to counter the threat. This left the eastern flank
Kajind and the second group of raiders swept into the base. They
immediately targeted Luckymoney’s only
barracks. Meanwhile, the first group of raiders moved to the back of the
base in order to destroy the lumber camp. Luckymoney’s
army – consisting of footmen, riflemen, and sorceresses determined to cast
slow – fought back. The sorceresses slowed the raiders that had entered the
northern entrance of the base while footmen and riflemen targeted the now
sluggish orc units. A newly summoned mountain king delivered a final blow
that killed one of the raiders. Another raider that had somehow gotten
behind of the main group was brought down by dwarven rifle fire. With two of
their six dead, the first raider group retreated. The second raider group
faired better. Since Luckymoney’s army had been
preoccupied with the first raider group for most of the battle, the other
raiders were able to safely destroy Luckymoney’s
barracks while losing only one of their number to a tower. These raiders
then retreated as well.
For about five minutes, minor skirmishes took place all across the map.
Drintr’s raiders would run into
Luckymoney’s base to destroy a house or two,
and then Luckymoney’s army would chase the
raiders away. No side seemed to carry any major advantage, and
Luckymoney sought to change this. With his
level three archmage and equally experience mountain king,
Luckymoney sent an army of footmen,
sorceresses, and riflemen to Drintr’s base. The
raiders guarding the base, weakened from raids prior, were quickly killed by
the invading army. Luckymoney’s army would have
encountered more resistance, but five of Drintr’s
raiders had previously left to go on a quick raid.
At Drintr’s base, peons
burrowed in order to avoid casualties. Meanwhile, a far seer popped out of
Drintr’s altar to act as assistance during the
attack. Kajind and the far seer defended against the invading army but could
ultimately not fend it off. The far seer fell, and Kajind – then level two –
was killed soon after. Nevertheless, the defense at
Drintr’s base was adequate. The burrows and a tower were able to
easily kill Luckymoney’s upgrade-lacking
footmen and riflemen. After Luckymoney’s
mountain giant fell to tower and burrow fire,
But Luckymoney lost more than his army
during the attack. While his army attacked Drintr’s
base, a small team of raiders destroyed Luckymoney’s
arcane sanctum and blacksmith back at home. Because of the raid,
Luckymoney’s newly-built barracks acted as the
only building Luckymoney had that could produce
military units. Both sides rebuilt. Both sides prayed for victory. Kajind
wondered what the world would have been like had Peter the Joyful lived and
continued to invent.
Drintr hated doing nothing for large amounts
of time, and busied himself by conducting small raids aimed at destroying
key buildings in Luckymoney’s base. In
response, Luckymoney built towers just about
everywhere he could. Both players built expansions.
Drintr, however, was the first to scout his opponent’s new base.
Drintr gathered his raiders, recently fully
upgraded, and headed for the new enemy expansion. Since
Luckymoney had a small military at the time – a
couple priests and sorceresses, footmen and a rifleman –
Drintr instructed his raiders to attack only
the expansion town hall. This was a mistake. Peasants mining gold nearby
dropped their pick axes immediately when realizing their town hall was under
attack, and since these peasants weren’t necessarily the bravest of types,
they began repairing the hall instead of running out into the battle as
militia. With the peasants making constant repairs, the raiders’ attempt to
destroy the town hall failed. Worse still, the many towers located
Luckymoney's expansion succeeded in decimating
Drintr’s army. It seemed like
Drintr would lose the game. But luckily,
Luckymoney made a mistake.
For one reason or another, Luckymoney
decided to send his level 5 archmage alone to Drintr’s
base. Drintr had meanwhile begun building a
replacement army of raiders, and when the archmage arrived, seven raiders
had been built. Without hesitation, nets were thrown to capture the lone
hero. The archmage was then encircled and killed.
Drintr ordered another attack on
Luckymoney’s expansion. Kajind, assisted by a
level two far seer who Drintr felt could remain
unnamed, led the assault. This time Drintr’s
raiders focused on the enemy army rather than the town hall. Since spell
casters take extra damage from siege attacks, they were the first to be
netted and trampled by the raiders. Without caster support, the enemy
footmen and riflemen were killed easily. Unfortunately, the towers at
Luckymoney’s base still succeeded in ultimately
driving off the raiders. A new plan was needed; Drintr
built two barracks.
"The hell do you think you’re doing!?!" Kajind looked angry. "You can’t
"I thought you weren’t allowed to talk," Drintr
"What are you going to build? Can’t you only build raiders during this
game?" Kajind questioned.
"I’ll only make four catapults. I think they’re the only way I’m going to
succeed in breaking into Luckymoney’s
Kajind thought for a moment. "This change of tactics is cheaper than
Enron’s stock. Ba-ching!"
catapults were produced from the barracks. Drintr
readied his army; however, Luckymoney attacked
first. At his own expansion spot, Drintr could
see Luckymoney’s army approaching. When the
army did attack, Drintr ordered his catapults
to fire at the spell casters first. The casters were killed quickly, and
without their support, the invading footmen and riflemen died fast. When
Luckymoney’s level five mountain king seemed
near death, Luckymoney retreated the remains of
his army. Drintr pursued.
Upon reaching Luckymoney’s expansion,
Drintr ordered his catapults to kill the enemy
archmage by using focus fire technique. Meanwhile, raiders netted and killed
Luckymoney’s badly damaged mountain king.
Luckymoney’s footmen, still without upgrades,
were killed easily. With the army dead, Drintr’s
catapults easily destroyed Luckymoney’s town
hall. Luckymoney had been defeated, but the
game was still not over.
Yes, that’s right, I decided that I would design and participate in what
was probably battle.net’s first debate. The debate was on whether a
unilateral invasion of another country was ever justifiable.
Luckymoney chose to defend unilateralism.
And here’s what he had to say:
This is what I settled for. Brownies anyone?
Peace and Love,