your home for Starcraft Home Forum Starcraft Tournaments

"Check your ledge, or risk checking into smackdown hotel later. Right T_Mac?"

A StarCraft Battlereport - 3 Way FFA
View or Add Comments (# of comments thus far: 57)
Date: 09/17/03 09:09
Game Type: Starcraft
Labels:Image Heavy(1), Famous Reporter(1), Starcraft(1), Gorgeous(1), Great Writing(1), Long(1), Strategy Focused(1)
Categorize this report
Report Rating: 9.3, # of Ratings: 3, Max: 10, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for |]agomar: 8.6667
Look! Alt text!

Hello. I’ve decided to dispense with the regular rambling pregame section - this time it’s straight to the report.

Mattzarella suggested I cram the alt text with a ton of his quotes

The map is Glacier Bay, a 192x192 four player world depicting an ice-lodged peninsula jutting from a resource rich, albeit snowy mainland. Four islands dot the frigid water, each a starting point for one of the players. While the naturals are connected to the mains by glittering bridges this is truly an island map - so any game will feature a lot of shuttles, and ( hopefully ) plenty of ships. It’s the perfect setting for a Free For All.

In this case, the most intense form of that game type - a 3-way FFA. How about a brief introduction to the players before we get started.

Mr.Puddles: Puddles has been in NoHunters for quite a while, and last appeared in Zerg~Ling’s latest br - as an observer. His role is a little more hands-on this time, as he commands a blue Zerg infestation towards the top right of the map. In all honesty, though he’s a decent Protoss his skills with the swarm are a little wobbly, so perhaps his best bet in this game was to build up his minions and stay out of trouble. That didn’t quite happen. Unfortunately, no photos for Puddles :[

FzN)Empire: Me. My old accounts got deleted after my year-long hiatus, so it’s back to square one in the record department. Luckily I’ve retained some of my StarCraft skills, though they aren’t what they once were ( which is probably a good thing ). I direct a Terran outpost at the bottom center starting point, far from the resource-rich mainland to the north, and caught between both players. With luck I’ll be able to take the central peninsula unnoticed, thereby allowing me to compete as my enemies mine that mainland. Photos . . .

FzN)ToTheFridge: Otherwise known as Keanu_Reaver, Flash, FzN)Comp and by his real name ( Mehdi ) this warrior is a man of many names but only one passion: pornography. Well not quite, perhaps, but he certainly is one of the nicest people on, and a darn good StarCraft player. His skills have also declined somewhat over the past year, but he casts such doubts aside as he assumes lordship over the Protoss settlement at 9:00. From that vantage point he has easy access to the riches of the mainland while retaining proximity to the central island, though the troublesome Terrans are a little too close for comfort. Nude Photos . . .

Since the one thing he wants most is to be a big black momma, that didnt sound like a good idea

Dawn rises over Glacier Bay’s glittering ice floes as the three commanders get to work. I take my natural fairly quickly and develop a build ideal for early goliath drops, while Puddles takes his nat soon after and strives for early drops of his own. Meanwhile, Keanu pushes very rapidly to reaver tech and hence is the last to expand.
He also has a fetish with your mom jokes, and cybersex
My bumbling barracks stumbles upon Keanu ’s main around now, and with a sinister smile I order it to land just out of range of those busily mining probes. I quickly que a few marines for some particularly annoying early harassment, yet am foiled by a single dragoon. Luckily, my building makes it out alive.
actually cybersex is something I can see myself writing alot of alt text on
My strategy is fairly simple: claim the center as soon as possible and strive to take control of the empty main. Goliaths, I reason, will provide great protection against drops and when coupled with droppers will provide me with a powerfully mobile assault force. With a smile I rapidly expand to the closest central island, feeling secure in the belief that the goliaths in my main can withstand any drop.

The command center is just about done when a shuttle hums over enroute to Puddles . I cringe, preparing for the worst, and sure enough a text message flashes across the screen. “No Daggy!” Keanu squeals as a couple scarabs temporarily squelch my expansion hopes.
cybersex is getting too popular nowadays
The shuttles continue on their way to examine the 3:00 main. Upon finding nothing they cruise slowly north, only to stumble upon a brand new Zerg expansion at the 3:00 natural. Those reavers are a rather nefarious lot and take no prisoners in their destruction of the hatchery. Luckily, however, their crimes are paid for in full as a group of hydralisks end their robotic lives.

As all this occurs to the East I load two droppers full of goliaths and order them north, where they descend upon Keanu ’s peon line to avenge the lost Terran expansion. Unfortunately all they manage to destroy are a couple probes and a dragoon before the full might of the Protoss militia thunders down upon them. A single brave gollie is left behind to cover for the fleeing dropships and soon enough peace returns to the 9:00 main.
I mean, what's next, cyberbabies?

A rather brief lull creeps across the frozen landscape, which signifies that it’s high time for a status report. As you can see we’ve all taken a second expansion by this point, though my quest for a third at the 3:00 main are rather brutally squashed by a truckload of hydralisks. The few goliaths there to defend are butchered in turn and once again I lose a whole load of resources for nothing. It’s worth mentioning that not a single major attack has been launched on Keanu at this point. It shows: his army is somewhat larger than mine and far superior to that of Puddles .

Pretty soon they'll be selling cyber condoms

Around this point I ponder who to attack. Should I strike Keanu , my beloved clan mate and provider of fine women, or should I launch an assault on Puddles , the evil zerg celebrate who just wiped out another one of my expansions. The scales are tipped when I remember that Puddles recently had a minor role in one of Zerg~Ling’s battle reports, that alone being grounds for execution. I quickly load three droppers with a plethora of upgraded goliaths and lay waste to the Zerg expansion at 3:00's natural. Countless overlords lose their lives in gory glory and bloodied hydras soon join their downed carcasses.

cause of course, you gotta stay safe on the web

Soon thereafter, Keanu launches an all out assault upon my central island. Although I’d played the map before I’d forgotten that the central islands are connected to the mainland. Hence, my turrets did about as much good against the ground invasion as a dead cat does against a rat infestation. A couple droppers filled to the brim with goliaths rush in to save the day, but in a precursor of things to come they are viciously stormed and blown to oblivion ( it’s difficult to do that Boxer gollie/dropper trick on such a small island! ). Another Terran expansion bites the dust, and now I’m left with just my main and my natural.

I wonder what those would look like

Thankfully for me another lull stretches lazily across the map and I have some time to rebuild. I think now would be a good time for the last status report before all-out hell breaks lose!
Any picture of Corbalt would put a quick dampner on sex though, I can tell you that
As you can see, I take the 3:00 main and reach towards its natural, while claiming the Northernmost central expansion. Also readily visible above that central base is an annoying Protoss observer ominously relaying Keanu with some very good information about that base. Speaking of the executor, he’s busily mining from no fewer than three north-central expansions, giving him a very solid troop count indeed. Although Puddles ’ grip on the map has faded from the mid-East he’s made up for it by spreading his filthy infestation all across the far North. However, his troop counts are fairly low; supplies right now are 190 for Keanu , 172 for me and 111 for Puddles . Everybody’s natural is thoroughly mined out.

Keanu and I both have a very similar thought right now: “let’s attack my clan mate!” To that end the Protoss Executor sends a squadron of seven shuttles East to unload just in front of my central expansion, while I send 7 dropships towards the same resource node in preparation for an all-out assault on Keanu ’s own central base. I’m distracted for an instant by some Zerg harassment at the 3:00 natural - a distraction that would cost me dearly. Keanu ’s warriors pour into my expansion as my goliaths and tanks hover uselessly in their waiting droppers. Cursing I order them to unload yet an astonishing number of storms sizzle the landscape above my disembarking mechs. I have never seen so many units die so fast since the last time I played Epoch71. Although my goliaths die insanely quickly I still manage to kill almost every Protoss unit except for the high templar. This bodes well for the base, as I have over a group of goliaths waiting back at my main and some more at the 3:00 expansion. However, those accursed storms absolutely decimated my dropper fleet, and I have no way of getting them to my central expansion before the 12 invading templar merge into 6 very scary archons. My supply went from 180 to around 105 in seconds and once again my hopes of claiming the center are brutally vanquished.

You know I wonder if there'll ever be orphanages for those cyber babies

I struggle to rebuild as Keanu casts his eye towards the Zerg expansions infesting the North. Those seven shuttles hurtle towards the mainland and completely overwhelm the nearest of Puddles ’ expansions. The next is far more heavily defended, and the stalwart Protoss warriors are forced to deal with swarms of zerglings and scattered sunken colonies. However in the end the celebrate’s rather abysmal troop count does him in, and a second Zerg base bites the dust.

Or daycare centers

By this point I’ve regained possession of both the central resource nodes that once were mine, and my economy is back up and humming again. So, of course, it’s that special time of the game again. The time when everybody drops what they’re doing and wipes out another of Dagomar’s happy little expansions!

I don’t think I cursed when I saw the armada of guardians bearing down upon my 3:00 natural, but I know I swore rather profoundly when another one of Keanu ’s giant armies charged into my Northernmost central base. I was winning the fight for my central base quite handily until storms cover the entire landscape and force my goliaths to dance like Richard Simmons. Only Richard Simmons never has to contend with a couple dragoons taking pot shots at him while he dances ( unfortunately ). A single goon and a few templar remain at my expansion to finish it off.

I’m rather beleaguered at this point, and with no way of getting any troops to my 3:00 natural before the guardians smash it to oblivion I’m forced to use some diplomacy. Puddles if you kill me Keanu kills you,” I stammer. Puddles responds with a simple ”i know :) and his lumbering guardians wheel about before my command center reaches critical condition!

I suppose Bush will pass some law forbidding the abortion of cyber children

A very brief pause in the action emerges, during which time I retake the lost central island and resume mining operations at the 3:00 natural. Not even Puddles ’ somehow unsuccessful eight drone drop at the aforementioned natural can blunt my enthusiasm as my supply inches closer towards its limit. Keanu meanwhile begins building the vast Protoss command ships known as “gayrriers” while Puddles struggles to retake one of his vanquished Northern bases.

Around this point both the Zerg Cerebrate and myself grow increasingly weary of Keanu ’s constant pressure on our expansions. Resolving to take the fight to the Protoss Puddles rallies those crab like guardians of his and hurls them at the Protoss base closest to his main. Unfortunately for some bizarre reason all of Puddles ’ devourers and scourge lie huddled in the top left corner of the map, and so the Zerg are forced to retreat from two half-loaded carriers.

Meanwhile I launch of a fleet of dropships from my main and descend upon the Protoss expansion closest to my own central bases. Goliaths stride out of their ships and lay waste to the base, yet a combination of carriers and archons eventually spells their doom.

That would probably ruin the lives of 12 year old kids like Epoch, everywhere

omg still so many pictures to go
By this point, the Protoss executor has a formidable armada of carriers. He must still be seething about that double team, for about six of the giant vessels thunder in upon my Southernmost central expansion. However this time around I have a vast number of goliaths just waiting for an attack, and the carriers are beat back with their tails between their legs. Meanwhile I lose my other central expansion rather accidentally, as guardians lay waste to it on their way back home.

And so it is that we reach a rather critical stage of the game. Keanu ’s expansions are slowly mining out, though he still has two humming at peak efficiency. Meanwhile my 3:00 main and natural bases are also gradually depleting, and the safety of my central expansion is rather important. Puddles , on the other hand, has only a single expansion mining, and it won’t be mining for much longer. It’s time for him to make a stand.

Realizing this, the brooding Zerg cerebrate launches a massive attack on Keanu ’s central resource node. A grand flock of guardians supported by a group of devourers and countless scourge soars in and demolishes the base’s cannon defenses. Carriers roar out to engage the hideous assailants, and in a stroke of luck for Keanu his enemy must have been macroing for every scourge suicides into a whirling interceptor. I notice the battle with a couple comsats and decide to wade in myself, yet a couple stray guardians tearing through my central expansion’s defenses slow my efforts. I send two brand new battlecruisers up to wipe them out, and defensive matrix a guardian attacking Keanu , so it’ll have that much longer to take down the nexus! A couple carriers and the expansion are lost to the Zerg before it becomes readily apparent that devourers aren’t too great on their own. I launch my own assault on the remaining defenders of the base, with about two groups of goliaths backed by battlecruisers heading up North. Unfortunately the cruisers were heavily damaged by devos and the goliaths fall prey to storm, archons and carriers, so the attack is less than successful.

alt text may be the sole reason I wanted to stop writing reports a year ago

I am now in a rather wretched position. Two battlecruisers in critical condition are now the only defense against an all-out Protoss invasion of my central base. Their fate and that of my central base are quickly sealed when carriers rumble in over the water and archons hover in from the ground. There’s nothing I can do except flee, and only a single cruiser escapes from the center of the map.

You know those virtual girl stripper programs?

By this point I’m rather angry at my insidious clan mate. I’ve lost track of how many times I lost those central bases, but every time I did I added another entry to Keanu ’s list of criminal offenses. Puddles has much the same sentiment after having lost two Northern expansions to the Protoss militia. Resolving to launch an all-out offensive against the Protoss main I load six dropships full of goliaths and provide them with a powerful air escort of four battlecruisers. The armada hurtles North and with a couple yamatos and a storm of bullets the Protoss main crumbles and falls. Not a single defender survives.

There should be one of those of a battlereporter

Meanwhile, Puddles drops about three groups of hydralisks on the Protoss expansion he’d just hit with guardians. As you can imagine the remaining structures go down in milliseconds, and every last archon explodes in a puff of blue plasma. Storms ravage the hydralisks but sheer numbers win the day. A couple carriers are downed as the rest of the fleet struggles to escape.

Unfortunately for me this means most of the Protoss fleet survives, and its numbers have just increased as new carriers phase into being at Keanu ’s 9:00 natural ( if only I had attacked there instead! ). The carriers bear down upon my fleet with a vengeance, and I’m forced to retreat most of my goliaths. The cruisers and a group of goliaths make a last stand, and though I blast a few carriers the odds are rather overwhelmingly against me. As my last cruisers bite the dust the Protoss tech structure is no more, though many gateways still remain.

Just typing away and cursing now and then at the bottom of your screen

That leaves of two groups of hydralisks for Keanu to deal with, hydralisks currently ripping into the expansion of his that’s closest to the Zerg natural. Fourteen carriers rumble confidently into the fray, but rather surprisingly they crumble before focused, upgraded hydralisk fire. Five carriers erupt in a blaze of glory before the last hydralisk falls to the ground. The fleet then whirls about and emerges from the fog of war at a brand new Terran expansion in the center of the map ( of course ). Luckily I’ve begun constructing wraiths, which manage to shatter two carrier hulls before a second observer arrives. Unfortunately for me, command centers don’t fare too well against carriers and the base is blown to dust in record time.

Then, after a certain amount of time he'd hand in the battlereport

I’m in rather desperate straits at this time and to an even greater extent so is Puddles . I’ve been begging him to ally me for a good five minutes yet he’s been responding only with random smiley faces. Eventually I toss any hopes for an alliance out the window and grumble to myself as I load some goliaths into their waiting droppers. So it is that I recoil in astonishment as suddenly the entire Zerg empire becomes visible and Puddles signifies he’s ready to team up on Keanu . The only problem there is the little fact that he has about 40 supply and no resources left.


Shrugging it off I complete loading those same six dropships and command them North to Keanu ’s main with an escort of 12 cloaked wraiths. The goliaths rip through any opposition and completely obliterate the Protoss base before stomping up to its natural. My supply is now well above Keanu ’s, and surprisingly enough there is still no opposition visible, probably because Keanu ’s expansions are mining out and his depleted carrier fleet can’t be replenished. Regardless the five stargates are devastated in short order, officially relegating the Protoss to their expansions.

And blow a spazz at the ratings, making your computer crash

Now how popular would that be
Meanwhile Puddles decides to make his move. Seeing the destruction of the Protoss main and natural no doubt gives him much hope, and he launches a vicious attack on Keanu ’s Northernmost base, a base that was once his own. About a group of mutalisks and a similar number of hydralisks dash the expansion to pieces. However, Keanu decides his remaining carriers are more than a match for this motley force and wipes out every last Zerg warrior in the vicinity. With no resources, no expansions and no army besides 5 queens Puddles is rendered a virtual observer - so much for that grand alliance.

Shrugging off my partner’s demise I load what goliaths I can spare into their trusty dropships and send them north under the escort of my wraiths. They happen across one of Keanu ’s nearly mined out expansions and some rather important tech structures. The goliaths disembark and obliterate the base’s structures and defense, yet a rather powerful Protoss army floods North to halt my advance. Eight carriers, backed by templar and dragoons collide with my wraiths hovering far ahead of my goliaths. A wraith explodes before I can temporarily retreat. However, when the fighters return they’re cloaked and more than ready for battle. Keanu ’s escorting observer dies a very quick death and the carriers wheel about in disarray, pelted by eleven invisible 2/2 assailants. Although the goliaths are once again ( guess ) ravaged by psionic storms the wraiths are astonishingly effective and smash all but three carriers before they can reach the safety of a few cannons. On their way back home they even kill a high templar - how’s that for a successful sortie.

It would definitely put Jenna Jameson into retirement

It might even put mattzarella into retirement
As you can barely make out in the previous picture’s minimap, I’ve started another central expansion. Those with really good eyes will also make out a green speck just above it - that’s right, another observer. Luckily the Protoss army has decreased rather dramatically and only a few speedy zealots can be sent to eradicate the base. In a glorious move Puddles spots this incursion and sends his trusty queens to deal with it. Two zealots quickly become four broodlings, and with their help my valiant SCVs manage to deal with the third Protoss warrior.
Hm, Jenna Jameson recently denied that she was a whore
Well, Keanu isn’t about to let that ignominious defeat stand. With gritty resolve he orders his remaining carriers South to my defiant central base, escorting them with a contingent of zealots, dragoons and templar. While our supplies are still roughly equal I don’t have any goliaths in the area and I haven’t been doing too well against those deadly storms this game. Puddles casts a quick ensnare on the invaders as they rampage into my base, and my wraiths shimmer into invisibility. Two observers now escort the Protoss, two observers which quickly meet their demise. My wraiths stay close to the carriers and dodge a good five storms, and soon enough not a single vessel remains in Keanu ’s once mighty air force. I target some templar as well, and though I manage to claim a few my expansion nonetheless bites the dust. A hollow victory indeed.

Keanu ’s supply is still below 70, and mine is now about five points lower. Knowing that the game is coming down to the wire I load what goliaths I have left and hurl them at Keanu ’s mined out central expansion. My goal was to eliminate any tech structures there were and push North, and though I succeed in my objective my Northern push is less than successful. The goliaths are beset by psionic storms and an equal number of Protoss warriors, and die rather speedily.

As she so elequently put it, 'I'm a business woman in sex'

I wonder what the one word definition of that is, but I'm pretty sure it starts with a W
Meanwhile, my wraiths are busy to the West. A new Protoss base has shimmered into existence just above the 9:00 Natural and a couple peons have already begun mining. With both Keanu and I heavily depleted on resources I have no other option but to eliminate this expansion, despite its cannon defenses. My wraiths fly North and destroy any Protoss presence in the area, yet despite my micro I still lose a couple of the now priceless fighters.

I'm seriously tempted to throw in some of Mattz' your mom jokes
Keanu , while unable to defend his base to the West has a rather large number of zealots and templar at his disposal. Another of those troublesome observers happens across a new Terran expansion in the center of the map. I have a lot of SCVs working and, had I been given just a few more minutes I might have made it quite unaccessible to the Protoss warriors. Keanu never gave me the time. The icy ground trembles and another squadron of templar sprint into the base, slicing through the command center and any defenders in moments.

That’s when Keanu decides to lay claim to a new island expansion, the one north of the base he’d just destroyed. Although gas was at a premium for both of us Keanu still possessed a decent surplus of minerals, and he determined to put those to good use. After he completed constructing a few pylons he began phasing in an extensive grid of cannons to keep my wraiths at bay for once and for all. Unfortunately for him I was well aware of his efforts and sent in my wraith squadron to dispose of the pylons and render the cannons useless. At first it looks like I’ll succeed as a couple pylons are blown to blue dust and the Protoss defenses are rendered inoperable. However, those little lasers wraiths carry just don’t inflict that much damage, and eventually it becomes obvious that too many pylons are warping in too fast. A couple reinforcing templar scare me off, and there’s nothing I can do as Keanu gains control of that vital resource node.

I just asked him to give me some on the spot, but he yelled that art cannot be rushed

I’m a little frustrated. I drove Keanu to the brink of destruction but now, in the end, he’s gaining resources and I’m stuck with nothing. I take it out on Puddles ’ trusty queens with a healthy dose of gemini missiles, but they ensnare in turn, so that doesn’t help me much. Sighing and congratulating Keanu on an extremely well played game I launch my seven dropships and eight wraiths straight into the heart of the reborn Protoss army. Keanu must have panicked for a moment as I hinted the droppers were full of goliaths, however my units are quickly killed, and even my wraiths fail to dodge the last storm of the game.

Luckily, if I remember correctly, this is the last main picture

Well, congratulations and thanks to Keanu and Puddles for a really fun, intense FFA ( not many of those to be found nowadays ). Too bad I couldn’t prevail in the end though! How about some scores before we slide into the postgame section.

...except for the scores

Oh, er, and this stupid post game picture

In case you're wondering where I've been for, what, a little over a year, the answer is University and work. Going to University while working nights is a rather effective recipe for hell on Earth, but oh well. Now I'll suppose I'll leave you with some absurd screenshots, but before I do, HOW ABOUT SOME RETRO LESSONS LEARNED! Oh, by the way, Keanu and I will be launching a website soon - stay tuned for that.

1) Three way FFAs are always fun.
2) I'd rather see Elton John and Richard Simmons together than one of Keanu 's psionic storms.
3) It's a good idea to have more than one observer with your carriers when being hounded by wraiths.
4) Ice maps are very cool.

hi i am small: ( mattzarella )OH I'LL GIVE YOU SOME
hi i am small: I DON'T KNOW DUDE
DagomarDeg: CMON
DagomarDeg: think of something
DagomarDeg: right now it's mostly about porn :(
hi i am small: i'm all out of creative juices, i just masturbated
hi i am small: shows you where i get my ideas
hi i am small: i think that was good
hi i am small: you should put it in.

And thiser, and this...this too - see ya
View or Add Comments (# of comments thus far: 57)
Back to Report Listing