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"Les 'Terrans' est tres homosexuel"

Number 25
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Date: 01/08/03 01:01
Game Type: Warcraft 3
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Report Rating: 9.0, # of Ratings: 3, Max: 9, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for ZerG~LinG: 8.3836
Number 25

Welcome.. To number 25. You'll notice a radical change of style, a more simplistic and, imo, sexy look. Oh what should I do if I didn't have you guys to test things on. I've recently discovered the wonders of the sexy fonts in small sizes (wow, i sure sound like a nerd), and that is indeed what you are feasting your eyes upon at this moment. For those of you born without taste in life (or very high resolutions), the font chooser is back! Hopefully this way I'll avoid the "My eyes are hurting mofo fu kaka" in my comments section. Before we start I would like to point out that I don't want anyone dissing my title. "Titles are for weak" -Dialtone.
God of web coding and fruity spellcasters just told you the truth boy.

Font Chooser Ver. 1.124564 Build 205723

Anyway the report consists of two games, a 1v1 and a tense 2v2.

PS: Size: 3mbs of pure Ling goodness.




Player Photo, click here

This is me. To be more exact, it's my new account, conceived after realizing my stats with ZerG-LinG was sucking. Curiously, my stats are still sucking. Bleh. I was level 7 solo as I pressed "Play Game" and started on this match. (embarrassingly, my highest level is in AT'ing with dialtone :p)


Player Photo, click here

And yes, this is my opponent, with a unoriginal name if there ever was one. I mean, I've got some comments for using ZerG-LinG, but this guy takes the price for unoriginality.
He was level 8 with a okayish record when we met.

The map in question is Lost Temple. Chances are that you already know this map, but hell I'll supply you with this nifty minimap JUST IN CASE. Yes.

Outside a Kodo, a book is a mans best friend. Inside, its too dark to read. - Dialtone who prolly stole it from someone else. props.

Both humans start the game in pretty conventional human style; Altar with one of the starting peons. From there on, weird things start to happen, I (Lingor) follow my usual build, adding a barrack with one my first peons, and building a farm with the first peon trained. This allows for quick creeping with your first hero and 3 footmen. Human[wc3] started a farm near his peons, before leaving it unconstructed and making a barrack. Later he resumed work on the farm while simultaneously making a second. I'd wager that this had something to do with the extra bit of mining you get from placing your building around the gold mine, like with gas back in SC. I'm no expert on this, so he might as well have been high or whatnot.

I got my mountain king out a few seconds before Human got his Archmage out, and I started creeping the Gnolls just north of my base. While I was blissfully slaughtering creeps, Human was utilizing the very popular Blizzard rush. This is a pretty valid strat and can be used to great effect on smaller maps with just 2 starting points, and in 2v2's. It's somewhat less useful when your opponent is in the last place you scout, like now. Still though, Human did a lot of damage to my 5 mining peons before I could TP back from chopping up trolls. I always expect these rushes and I made sure to pick the Storm Hammer skill. I couldn't quite stop him this time tho, and Human teleported his mage back to safety. Damage report: None. Woo!

Gay archmages, a continuing trend in my reports, it seems.

As the Archmage returned home, more of Human's sinister plans were revealed; he was teaching to tier 2 already. Meanwhile,the mighty Thordin Rockbeard (!) was creeping along with the rest of my forces, and had already gotten to level 2, picking up a Ring Of Protection and some Boots of Speed along the way.
Seconds later, my good mood received a severe bruise as the Archmage had returned to my main, now maiming peons left and right. With no TP available, I was forced to backtrack to my main on foot, using my amazing micro to steer my goldmining peons first out, then BACK into the blizzard, thus sending them to their doom. When my forces finally got back, the Archmage was long gone.

Rockstars have groupies. Webdesigners have glasses.

With the Archmage out of the way (again) I resumed my slowed down teching to casters. Unsurprisingly, Human was doing the exact same thing, only with somewhat more success. After his blizzraid, he started a Arcane Sanctum, while I had to cancel my Keep to get enough peons. My only advantage so far was my extensive creeping, while the archmage was still level 1. To further use this advantage, I headed for my expansion and woke up some trolls, before giving them a sound bashing. I also found a super leet Scroll Of The Beast, and a second Ring of Protection.

6 Lines of text. 650x400 pixels of pictures. Mmmmm

After clearing the expansion, I headed north with my army, running straight into Human's advancing forces, backed by his new MK hero. The two forces of footmen smashed together, with Human's forces being slightly more numerous. I used my Scroll of the Beast and danced my MK around, clapping as many footmen as possible and leveling to level 3. A storm hammer and effective targeting brought Human's Archmage down, but at the cost of many of my footmen, and a few seconds later I ran from the scene with my MK and three footmen, fleeing from twice as many and a level two MK. Close battle ensued once more at my base, and the first of Human's sorcerers began popping up. In the end I managed to drive off the enemy with a continuous stream of footies and effective clapping.
Meanwhile, I managed to sneak my own Archmage behind the enemy lines and on a direct course to Human's base...

The "Giant red puff hack" in use in the first pic. How rare!

While Human's yellow forces we're off chasing gnolls, I sneaked my Archmage up behind his mining peons, hoping for it to go unnoticed while I rained down giant chunks of ice on the peasants. It was not to be so. Since red is a very easy color to spot on the minimap, Human noticed me quickly and called his entire peasant army to his keep. My archmage was close to being surrounded with the help of a storm hammer, but I managed to run off with under 100 hp. This is is why I always pick the Mountain King; I'm a retard with a mage.

"a unix type system with a solid desktop omfg i thing im getting a hard on" -Dialtone on Mac OS X

After my failed blizzard raid, Human thought it would be a good idea to show some offensive maneuvers, other than homosexual blizz rushes. His army of footmen and sorcs moved down the center in a clever single line formation, clashing with my own troops as he was about to exit the middle. My massive footmen force encircled both yellow heroes right away, and with the help of a storm hammer, the archmage fell before unleashing a single blizzard. I used my own mage to pummel the enemy sorcs that shot from a close formation, bringing them into the red, and forcing them to retreat while I finished off Humans MK. I was surprised at the lack of troops, but found out why when I saw the replay; half of Human's forces went around the center, completely missing all the action. In short, I made him my bitch.

"The angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the meat."

Over the next 5 minutes, I began utilizing my troop advantage to launch two major attacks on Humans main, both of them very identical; My army of footies and sorcs would clash with a somewhat inferior army of the same kind of units, but Human was using his lvl 2 Blizz and lvl 2 Brilliance aura to their fullest, having blizzard constantly raining down on my troops, and using MASSIVE amounts of militia to keep my units occupied and away from the mage. Both of my attacks ended somewhat disappointing, with me running for my life like a cow before a halal butcher.

"The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." -Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy

Following my two attacks of crap, I thought I might try a different tactic altogether, and sent a peon to my natural (Yes, a single peon, this multi-peon building crap is for noobs). While doing this, I sent my army out on a exp-scout run, as I figured Human was in the same money problems as myself (only 2000 gold left in gold mines). On my way to the enemy expansion, my little Peon The Builder was brutally slaughtered by the yellow army, and since I didn't have a TP, I abandoned my mission and headed all the way back my main to protect it. There, I waited a bit for the imminent attack... Which wasn't very imminent as Human retreated his forces to grab his own expansion. After smacking myself in the head repeatedly, I set out to put an end to his expansion attempt.

Upon arriving at Humans expansion, I clashed with his army, throwing my MK straight into a ring of footmen and using my level 3 clap effectively, decimating the opposing forces from the word go. After a few tense seconds it became obvious that my troops heavily outnumbered his, and with my Hero-Killer Mountain King, both heroes soon fell along with their army and the expansion.

"Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot."

Seconds later, I was confidently smashing his main to bits. GG.

Because the report is already over 1.5mb's I won't show that in details, instead, here's some of the post-game chat. Exciting stuff indeed. Good Game Human[Wc3]!

I sound so clever here, defending myself and all

That's it for game 1. Personally I liked it alot, and Hmn vs. Hmn is usually a pretty close matchup, especially when no one goes for the lame approach with towers and fast tech to Master casters :) Also, the new rule seems to be that scouting=hacking. Oh well.

Download replay of first match

You made it this far, so why not hang around for... Game 2, a 2v2 arranged team match! Wo! Let's have the two teams present themselves.

Lingor & OrcDork

Player Photo, click here

We got to level 9 with my old account, and are almost level 10 at the moment. Not the best team to ever grace, but we try :( We played dual Hmn earlier, but recently switched to OrcDork being Hmn, and me owning with the Elves. This was also our preferred line-up for today's match.


PlayGGorC & pot

Player Photo, click here

Pretty sure I got all the caps right :) PlayGGorC hangs in ~nohunters from time to time, but before this match, I didn't know anything else about him. And his partner "pot" is another mystery, and being the dedicated reporter I am, I didn't bother to ask them about anything. Bleh. They we're level 7 AT team.


Alright, everything lined up for an exciting 2v2 Arranged Team match! The eye scoured for suitable opponents, and we clashed together on *drumroll* Lost Temple. Enjoy minimap :(

Concept art= wub

Alright, the game is underway and everyone start out in pretty conventional style, going altar first. Except for PlayGGorC who constructs a barrack before the building the Orc Altar of eternal cheese. Pot, the orange undead on Team 2, smacks down dual crypts as soon as possible, while both myself and OrcDork opt for a single barrack/AoW and early tech to tier two. 3 minutes into the game, the first bit of action starts as my Keeper of The Grove and OrcDork's Archmage head off to the southern undead base, in hopes of squashing the weakest link, the acolytes. Entangle and blizz is (over)used while the ghouls and the newly produced Death Knight chase us around the base. In the end it proved profitable for us, as Pot lost 4 of his 5 acolytes, crippling his economy.

I'm good with words, see?

Even though his economy was getting bombed, Pot still had a sizeable ghoul force, and with PlayGGorC, he plotted revenge. Seconds later, while OrcDork was busy creeping and I was busy forgetting to macro, Team 2 struck the human base in the north. OrcDork had just finished his Keep, and had no hopes of defending his base against the ravaging ghouls and PlayGGorC's Headhunters. Yes, headhunters. And a farseer too :D
I TP' ed in for the rescue, but my 3 hunts and lvl 1 KOTG weren't able to turn the tide of battle, and OrcDork's peasants were rallied and the mighty militia came to our rescue. Team 2 only fled to the ramp, where the militia had to return, and Team 2 quickly surrounded one of my hunts. Things were looking rather grim and fierce fighting continued for several minutes, with sporadic Blizzards and Militia able to keep Team 2 away from victory, but only just, and the pressure from Team 2 continued until a mass of huntresses and OrcDork's first spellcasters finally chased away the invaders. The attack had lasted a full 6 minutes, which is damn long time when you're actually playing. Catching the replay for this is somewhat of a must :)

"chess? add a few more maps, the 8x8 checkers is good but it aint lost temple" -Dialtone

Luckily for Team 1, Team 2 weren't the best at macro and hadn't gained any superior tech or anything while the attack lasted, but concentrated instead on keeping up a steady flow of units. They both begin their tech towards tier 2 now though, while myself and the last of OrcDork's battered units go on a creeping frenzy, almost clearing the entire mid. While we were about to attack the center itself, we run into PlayGGorC and his band of merry headhunters. PlayGGorC knows that his mate "pot" is coming to attack us from behind, so he engages us, and proceeds to get severely beaten by effective blizzards and the stronger huntress'. He holds on until Pot arrives with his massive ghoul army, and a tight battle ensues. My KOTG dies shortly after, but not before summoning six treants who, in unison with the remaining huntress', force Pot and his undead to use a town portal while PlayGGorC humps back to the safety of his base with a severely damaged farseer.

For more of this guy, and probably the coolest webpage ever, goto

While Pot and PlayGGorC both take a few seconds to regain their breath, OrcDork and I continue to creep like madmen. We were about to take down the ogre pack in the southeast, when a huntress of mine caught Pot merrily slaughtering the said ogres. A perfect place for us to slam in from the other side and pincer Pot between the ogres and us. While Dial is on the way, I strike with my large huntress/archer force, catching Pot completely by surprise and forcing him to TP back to his base. He did manage to kill the last ogre, but forgot its treasure; the brilliant Book of the Dead! Imbalance was riding with OUR bus now!

"SC is so 1999" -Dialtone

We reveled in our beautiful treasure for a second or two, before heading west for more creeping. But as we passed the ramp leading to the undead base, ghoul after ghoul came pouring down on us, while the Orc army of PlayGGorC came in from the west. We were caught in a pincer move, but with greater forces, and the battle that would decide the game began. The strong mix of spellcasters and huntress huddled up in a close formation, with OrcDork keeping his casters out of harms way while the strong huntress' took all the blows. Blizzard was used effectively against the headhunters who constantly had to keep moving, but still, the battle was pretty close. Suddenly my Keeper Of the Grove got level 6, and Tranquility was used. The health-giving rain came pouring down on our battered troops, leaving Team 2 with less of a chance, and a while later, all of Team 2's troops lay dead, with Tranquility having done its work, slowly faded away.

"Blizzard pisses me off " - PlayGGorC after losing :D

Yes. GG.
Thanks to PlayGGorC and Pot for this nice game :) Lessons learned include such famous cliches as; "never give up" and... uhhm well that's about it.

Download Replay Of Match 2

And with that, the report is officially over. Hope you enjoyed it, and remember to leave a comment either in the comment section (duh) or by mailing me. And raters, if you rate this, please be so kind as to leave just a small comment, like "asdf the police" or maybe "yu sux" or the classic "eee" or anything really. Much wub.

Also, remember to visit Quality i tell you, quality!




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