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"wallin' my ass in"

1v1 Plunder Isle
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Date: 10/20/02 04:10
Game Type: Warcraft 3
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Report Rating: 9.0, # of Ratings: 4, Max: 9, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for ~CattleBruiser~: 9.3900

This report is the first in a new series of reports by "Halp Halp, i'm beng reprssed!" Productions, an offshoot of CattleBattle Productions. With the current trend towards reports of epic length and breadth, readers at are subjected to sporadic spurts of excellence separated by long weeks of mediocrity. Halp Halp Productions hopes to halp this situation by posting smaller enjoyable reports on a regular basis. These reports will not push the envelope of battle-reporting or earn strings of 10s; instead, they will provide readers with solid writing and action from first-hand viewing of NoHunters games, with a self-imposed limit of eight hours devoted to any one report. The author hopes that this will encourage new and dormant reporters, and is willing to sacrifice his Rookmarks for the good of the people.

Yo yo yo, sup dawg. These reports are gonna be like, 01D-SK0O1!! [Ed. - Note needlessly pretentious use of l33t spelling.] CB is trolling ~NH for gamez and wants people to get five L.A. Confidentials instead of one Memento and twenty Freddy Got Fingereds. LOLZ! Set phaserz to phun! I blatantly rip off quotes. LOZ!

1v1 on Plunder Isle

Plunder Isle is a two player map that obeys Blizzard's law of bland symmetry. The map is larger than your standard NWTR matchups, but small enough that you're always close to your enemy. Players tend to expand quickly or win before an expansion becomes necessary. It's even possible to win by simply defending your main and preventing your opponent from expanding.

Players start in the upper right and lower left corners of the map. Each base has two large entrances that cannot be easily blocked off. You will rarely see spread out bases in good games on this map.

Each player has two expansions readily available. The central expansions are on an easily guarded plateau and are situated right in the middle of all the action. The outer expansions have no natural features than can be used in defense, but are guarded by creeps with more treasure. Since all the mines have the same amount of gold (12,500), it is usually player preference that determines which expansions are taken first. The map is small enough so that a wily player can easily check every expansion on a regular basis, limiting the feasibility of just building an unprotected town hall. The main mine doesn't collapse any earlier than on other maps, but the paucity of extra mines on the map usually spells trouble for anyone who gets contained.

Neutral Buildings:
Each plateau comes with its own Goblin Merchant, making them nice places to expand, regroup, heal, drink beer, and play frisbee golf.

Plunder Isle has the most graduated creeps of any Blizzard map, ranging from Level 1 Gnolls to Level 10 Dragons. Most players have their favourite creep routes they follow which allow them to steamroll their way to uber-heroes without losing any units.

  • A: The corner expansions are guarded by two groups of creeps, one fairly large gnoll pack with assassins, and some pansy murlocs.
  • B: Close to the main bases are a small pack of harmless gnolls and some murlocs. These are usually the first creeps to die in newbie games, although they won't even level your hero when combined. All Blizzard maps place strong creeps in unused start locations to prevent other players from having an early and easy expansion. Plunder Isle does not do this, because you would have to play a one-player game to take advantage of it, thus labelling yourself as a desperate retard with no friends on
  • C: Here be gnolls, yo.
  • D: The nook nearest to the main base contains two gnolls whose experience-worth is like your paycheck after taxes. However, the bigger fellow has a tome, which can be a tome of experience. If you rush the two tome-carrying gnolls like Llamaboy, sometimes you luck out with two tomes of experience, putting your hero halfway to Level 3. It also scares new players who think you hacked the map into removing their favourite gnoll creep.
  • E: The plateau is guarded by ogres. The mine itself is protected by two vanilla ogres and a bloodlusting magi. Although they're easy pickings for any decent micro'er, they tend to scare new players. The Goblin Merchant is protected by stronger creeps, including a Level 7 Ogre Magi who can decimate your army with Shockwave. Luckily you can build an expansion here without alerting them, but they drop nice items if you can defeat them early.
  • F: These nooks are guarded by Level 10 Red Dragons, two Level 6 Drakes, and a couple whelps. Unless you're a tower-creeping fool, these creeps are more of an endgame bonus, being too hard to tackle early on. If you have the time and power to creep these locations, chances are that you've already won the game.
You can attain Level 6 on a single hero just by creeping the non-dragon spots if you're fast enough. With two heroes, you will not be able to get both to Level 6 unless you creep the dragons or kill off the enemy a couple times. Because of this, games on Plunder Isle are more army-centric than on other maps.

Item-drops are run-off-the-mill and usually not enough to change the course of the game. The Ogre Magis occasionally drop a Red Drake Egg or a Book of the Dead, both of which can turn the tide of a battle if used at the right time. The big grandpappy dragons drop Sceptres of Mastery for the most part, which allow you to possess enemy units banshee-style, but they tend to be bonuses rather than necessities. On very rare occasions, the dragons drop Masks of Death, which are great for your melee heroes.

Plunder Isle is the only two-player map in the ladder rotation and it's easily the most imbalanced map EVER. The upper right starting spot gets the short shrift every game for two reasons:
  • 1) The gang of gnolls on the middle left side of the map is missing a baby gnoll. That means the right side has 20 more experience points than the left. Imbalance!
  • 2) Unbeknownst to most players, there is a trail that skirts behind each dragon patch, as well as the beaten path that goes in front. Moving a control group from the upper right base to the lower right results in your units walking directly under the dragons. When moving from the lower left start to the upper left base, units are smart enough to avoid the dragon patch. Imbalance!


Jaood: Random Orc, lower left
Fun Facts about Jaood:
  • Level 12 Solo
  • Tends to stick with Orc or Random on this handle, and has a smurf handle, NoAdvantage, with a completely random record.
  • Should be a much higher level, but splits his focus between handles and generously whores his talents on a variety of Arranged Teams.
  • Once pissed off psyonicXsmurf by massing steam tanks in an FFA on Crucible. They both went down like a lovers' suicide pact.
  • Add a Y to his name and it rhymes with "Booty". However, this doesn't necessarily mean he puts out.
  • He is the only black war3 player... EVER.
  • If he could be any war3 unit, he would be a troll.
Llamaboy: Random Night Elf, upper right
Fun Facts about Llamaboy:
  • Level 12 Solo
  • With this handle, he's mostly random. When he gets Orc or Night Elf in a 1v1, he's mostly harmless.
  • Often chooses pink as his team colour in custom games because it distracts opponents who question his sexuality.
  • Likes to steal all the tome-carrying gnolls on Gnoll Woods, and sometimes tails an opponent's creeping team to steal treasures.
  • Also known for smurfing as random gosus (like TheAngel) and scaring level 1 players who try to /stats TheAngel instead of TheAngei. Hohoho! Once smurfed as Nonsensicai and went 0-10 by unsummoning his Necropolis.

Early Game:

This sparring session came about as the result of Jaood wanting to practice his soloing skills, in hopes of one day fulfilling his dream of challenging n1.deez to a duel (using his Inigo Montoya impersonation which he's been practicing for years). He chose Llamaboy as his sparring partner because Llamaboy was easily the closest to n1.deez in skill, and also the only person in the channel. The game opens on Plunder Isle, and Llamaboy discovers that Jaood has set the game to Random Team / Random Hero. Jaood is witty like that.

Llamaboy starts in the upper right with the Night Elves and a Priestess of the Moon, while Jaood appears in the lower left with the Orcs and a Tauren Chieftain. Both players show their inability to adapt to new situations by starting their Altars first. With heroes already in their bases, building an Altar was the most useless opening move EVER.

PotM PathWhile their respective third nipples are under construction, the players' build orders diverge. Jaood immediately set up an orc burrow and barracks, while pumping peons from his town hall. Llamaboy follows his standard Night Elf build, waiting for a wisp to train before constructing a moonwell. He sends his Priestess out immediately to kill Jaood's tome-wielding gnoll at C and then returns her home to kill his own gnoll (see Fig. A). Llamaboy is witty like that.

When Jaood has a single grunt to accompany his Chieftain, he marches out to kill the tome-gnoll, only to find that the crafty Priestess has already come and gone from the spot. Grunting in displeasure, he finishes off the worthless gnoll runt in the back of the nook and continues to train grunts. His next stop: The murloc alcove at B.

Llamaboy still has not made any units, mainly because he has not made any new buildings. While waiting for enough money to build a Hunter's Hall and an Ancient of War together, he heals his Priestess at the moonwell and sends her back out into the wilderness. The priestess ignores creeps and makes a beeline for Jaood's base, hoping to kill some peons with her deadly Searing Arrows. She arrives at Jaood's base to find a war mill under construction, but the element of surprise is lost when the orcish army emerges from the murloc clearing at that moment. Jaood shows off his amazing skills here by placing a single peon in the burrow by the gold mine, effectively protecting all its brethren from the Priestess' arrows. After some ineffectual attacks on the Altar, she attempts to flee, but is met at the entrance by two grunts and an angry chieftain.

Unable to escape (having been made retarded by the radioactive effects of 1.03 on AI), she takes advantage of nightfall and hides. The Chieftain tries to flush her out of hiding with a Shockwave, but she is too crafty to fall for that one. In another game, Jaood performed the same maneuver on Llamaboy's invisibility-potion-carrying Archmage and killed him dead. Since that tactic was not to succeed here, Jaood surrounds the Priestess' spot, and hides his Chieftain with a Cloak of Shadows stolen off of a murloc nightcrawler. Though retarded, the Priestess is not entirely stupid, and continues to wait. She finally bolts for open ground when she sees Jaood upgrading to a fortress, realizing that she'd better close the experience gap before the orcish army is too large. The grunts give chase, but break off to resume creeping when it's obvious that the Priestess will escape. So while Jaood kills gnolls at B, Llamaboy returns his hero home for healing. He begins making archers from his Ancient of War and starts construction on a second Ancient of War for maximum Night Elf pumping (kinky!).

Cloak Fun

What follows is just more boring creeping, the bane of observers everywhere. Jaood clears his mine at E while Llamaboy clears his gnolls at B. When Llamaboy has a sustainable amount of archers, he upgrades his Tree of Life and sends the army back to Jaood's neck of the woods, hoping to catch the grunts mid-creep. They check the plateau, but Jaood has long since moved to A where he pummels more murlocs into submission. They are still there just standing around and dishing when Llamaboy's archers arrive, and a battle ensues between five grunts and five archers. Llamaboy hopes to win through archer dancing, but forgets about Jaood's manly Shockwave power, which quickly softens up the front line of archers. One grunt and two archers have died by the time Llamaboy retreats, and daybreak means that he can't use any crafty shadowmeld techniques this time.

The grunts give chase, and the Priestess covers the retreat of her remaining archer with a few well-shot Searing Arrows. Seeing one grunt close to death, the Priestess allows her last archer to die while running around the grunt army to kill the retreating grunt. Jaood now has three grunts and a Chieftain to Llamaboy's Priestess, but huntresses are on the way. The Priestess, herself near death, takes a few parting shots at the army and flees to the south.

Perhaps it's an attempt to die a hero, or perhaps she's just a dumb bitch. Either way, the Priestess stops fleeing southward at the murloc alcove and turns around to flee north through the grunt army. The bandits beat the snot out of her, Tonto-style, and her huntress reinforcements take the hint to run away.

Mid Game:

Jaood is in the lead now, with a Level 3 TC majoring in Endurance and Shockwave. He has grunts with 1/1 upgrades and a Farseer being trained back home. Llamaboy has a standing army of two 1/1 huntresses and is resurrecting his intellectually-challenged Priestess at home. Neither opponent has expanded or constructed static defenses at home, but now Llamaboy puts up an Ancient Protector behind his moonwells, expecting Jaood to counter immediately. When no attack materializes, Llamaboy continues to pump huntresses and trains a Demon Hunter after his Dumb Bitch is resurrected. The party sans Demon Hunter clears the murloc alcove while they wait, since everyone knows that a standing army is a wasted army.

The orcs under Jaood's command didn't counter immediately because it was unclear what sort of defenses Llamaboy had back home. Rather than risk a rout, Jaood waits for his Farseer and a few grunts before heading north to creep Llamaboy's plateau. No doubt he was thinking, "I'll give him a taste of his own medicine, hohoho!" The renewed grunt army defeats the ogres at Llamaboy's E without contest, and pick up the treasures just as Llamaboy's huntresses arrive to creep.

Imbued with a better sense of self-preservation, the huntresses retreat and allow the orcs to escape with their lives. Jaood moves his army to the gnolls on the left side of the map, while upgrading his Fortress back home. Other than double-heroes and upgrades, neither player has taken advantage of tier 2, seeming content to mass low level units.

When the orcs are preoccupied with killing gnolls, Llamaboy sneaks his army (now with Demon Hunter included) back onto his plateau to defeat the fat ogres next to the Goblin Merchant. He has his Ancients of War rallying to his heroes, and two huntresses are enroute when they are set upon by the orcish army! Jaood, being a mistrustful misanthrope, has returned to the plateau to check for expansions. Thinking fast, Llamaboy shadowmelds all of his units except for the Demon Hunter, who is male and "can't bend that way". When the orcish army crests the summit, all they can see is a lone Demon Hunter who appears to be futilely hiding behind the Goblin Merchant.


The orcs press the attack, attempting to surround the Demon Hunter. He quickly mana burns the Tauren Chieftain and yells, "Woot!" On that signal, nine huntresses and a Dumb Bitch pop out of hiding to rain chaos down on the grunt army.

Boo!The Demon Hunter falls, but he manages to take the Chieftain with him, leaving the women to fend for themselves against five grunts, two shadow wolves, and a Farseer with Chain Lightning. The orcs focus fire on the Dumb Bitch in hopes of removing the Trueshot Aura from the huntresses, but the Farseer dies before this happens. In a desperate bid for survival, the Bitch moves an inch closer to the Merchant and uses a Scroll of Protection on her huntresses before fleeing. The remainder of the orcish army is completely decimated. Jaood is not a happy camper right now.

Jaood waits patiently for his two heroes to ressurect while training and upgrading grunts from two barracks. Llamaboy (who was left with five huntresses after the battle) heals his army at home and revels in the fact that his Demon Hunter takes less time to resurrect than it did to die. While the orcish War Mill churns to get the grunts to 2/3, Llamaboy takes his 2/1 army south for more creeping fun, while a single wisp takes advantage of the lull to expand to the nearest plateau. Since Jaood cannot do anything until his heroes are back online, Llamaboy sweeps into Jaood's plateau and steals the ogres at the Goblin Merchant without fear of retribution. His army then heads east and clears the gnolls at C.

Llamaboy has switched back to archers, in hopes of surprising Jaood, while the King of Orcs continues to make grunts. Once he's done with the gnolls at C, Llamaboy heads south to Jaood's corner (A) in search of expansions. He finds the area uncreeped, and exterminates the gnolls like a bad "Destructive Humans on Earth" commercial. It is here that Jaood's partially-rebuilt army finds them. Llamaboy chases them back across the river where the Orcs gain reinforcements in the form of two headhunters and a lemon-fresh Farseer. Not wanting to have another battle so soon, and so close to the orc base, Llamaboy retreats. He tells his army to return home, while putting up Ancient Protectors at his expansion (see the minimap update).

MinimapJaood's army gives chase, but it's really an unnecessary step, since the elves are very good at KILLING THEMSELVES. Since the elven army was at the lower right expansion, they decided that the shortest way home was to walk directly underneath the dragon eyrie at F. This kills some archers and softens the rest of the army up, just in time for a front door assault by Jaood.

A solid army of grunts backed by headhunters, a Level 2 Farseer and a Level 4 TC, arrives at Llamaboy's base. Llamaboy loses his Dumb Bitch and all of his standing army without killing a single hero, but it could have been much worse. Had it not been for the Ancient Protector, Jaood probably would have stormed the base right then and ended the game. In a conservative move, he retreats, and waits for reinforcements and a catapult.

In the next lull, Llamaboy rebuilds his army and adds more Ancient Protectors to the arboretum at his expansion. Jaood sends a peon to expand in his corner, and goes to creep his Goblin Merchant, only to find that Llamaboy struck there first. Hohoho!

A catapult comes online and this is Jaood's signal to attack Llamaboy's main base again. Seven grunts, a headhunter, and a catapult accompany Jaood's heroes this time, and catch Llamaboy's army out creeping. Llamaboy has three huntresses and two heroes to his name, but valiantly teleports home to face the incoming threat. Could this be the end?

End Game:

With a catapult in hand, Jaood no longer fears the mighty Ancient Protector, and his superiorly upgraded army runs into the base to vanquish the smaller army. The only possible way that Llamaboy can win this battle is to disc-hack or use effervescently gay items like the Book of the Dead or the Red Drake Egg!

So, he uses both. Sometimes it pays to creep both Goblin Merchant sites.

End Gambit

This item abuse forces Jaood to teleport his army and near-dead Chieftain to the safety of home, but he forgets his catapult. Llamaboy takes care of that detail for him. Llamaboy's main mine collapses at this point, so he sends his five wisps westward, in hopes of eventually clearing his corner and expanding there. Meanwhile, he goes on the offensive, taking his army to go expansion-hunting before his summoned units die. Jaood's army is still in pretty good shape (except for his TC), so he too heads out, intent on reaching the Goblin Merchant for a healing potion or two. Unfortunately, Llamaboy's army catches him with his pants down right at the plateau, and eliminates the chieftain. The armies were skewed from the start, because Jaood's Town Portal had placed some units behind his gold mine, unwanted and forgotten.

With no working expansion yet, Jaood realizes that the game is over. After Llamaboy destroys the expansion in progress in the lower right corner, Jaood takes his remaining army and all his peons for a final kamikaze assault on Llamaboy's base.

Llamaboy uses this opportunity to demolish Jaood's base. However, he destroys it with Starfall, just to be extra sexy. Once all the buildings are gone except for the Fortress, Llamaboy town portals back home to finish off the remaining peons.


Meanwhile, Jaood trains two peons to long distance mine at home. He is sneaky like that.

Once the threat is quelled, Llamaboy sends his DH, DB, huntresses, and archers back to the south, to finish off the Orcs forever.

Gogo Peons!

"Le gg."


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