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"saturday night 2 buddies came to pick me up. I said no. I will play BW. good bye."
- [iDEF]Smurf

This ain't starcraft
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Date: 07/18/02 02:07
Game Type: Warcraft 3
Labels:Image Heavy(1), Famous Reporter(1), Warcraft 3(1), Old Classic(1), Gorgeous(1), Great Writing(1), Funny(1)
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Report Rating: 9.0, # of Ratings: 2, Max: 9, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for LuckyNewbie:P: 8.4737
From the makers of Poop, and Poop 2: the reckoning Hidden text, keke.
Note: This report, like Warcraft 3, is best viewed in 1024x768 resolution, and by those who have an interest in the game (you don't need to know the game, ill try to explain it for you). Also, I recommend Internet Explorer, although this should be compatible for the Netscape community as well. (ground-lobp-)

thx gw

The Intro

"Do you recall what Clemenceau once said about war? "I surrender?" (sounds french)

Care for some rain water Mandrake? Grain alcohal? "He said war was too important to be left to the generals. When he said that, 50 years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."
- Gen. Jack D. Ripper
Dr Strangelove or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb stanley kubrik owns ur bones

Sadly, all the orcish dentists were killed in the first war. Today is July 17th, the two week anniversary of Blizzards release of Warcraft 3. A milestone for nerds everywhere. For the rich among us, we got our collective ass to the computer store and bought what we hoped was the only strategy game worth buying anymore. For the fortunate thieves among us, we had already downloaded the game and were brute forcing the cd-key combination. For the poor and unfortunate, we remained content to stay with our brood-war CD's and curse the newcomer's following as deserters unworthy of touching a blizzard product. it will burn our heathen hands.

Thank you corrupt republicans for such a generous tax return I was one of the rich, and after cashing my tax return check from the fed, I betrayed brood war, bought the game, and played it for 12 hours straight. Weeks (and a level 6 footman icon ^^) later, I played a game with Satan'sCookies that would change how I played Warcraft. This game not only changed my strategy, but how I looked at it from that moment on and came to the dramatic realization that this was definitely not Starcraft. I know this is a crappy name for a battlereport. i didn't actually think this would be like starcraft at all, but i cant seem to find any other title.. but titles in general piss me off. im supposed to come up with one sentence that can summarize everything for people too lazy to read anything? good titles are all the same too, they all suck. i need to lie down.

The Map

"I got rid of the white bar because it made reading the report really annoying... then I realized it wasn't the white bar."ooooooooh..... buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurnnnnn
- Mark4

This map is underplayedThe Map is Warcraft 3's version of Lost Temple. I am the blue X at the nine o'clock, and Satan is the red X at the six o'clock.'ADD TWO MORE X AND YOU GET XXX LOLZ'
For those unfamiliar with Warcraft (bastards), the yellow circles are gold mines, the dark green represents trees, and the yellow house frames are either Goblin merchants (marked by a #1) which sell items for heroes, or Goblin Laboratories (marked by a #2) which sell Goblin Sappers, Goblin Zepplins and a land unit called a Goblin Shredder which is a very efficient lumber chopper and a capable defender as well. The islands in the upper right and lower left are accessable by land and loosely guarded, but the upper left and lower right are reached only by Zepplin and each guarded by two level 7 dragons and a magic-immune level 9 golem.
can you spell o-w-n-n-a-g-e?

The Players Those bettar than u foo'

"how can i not be an asshole when everyone is just so damned stupid?" dunt worry krebs, we dont
expect that much of ya'

'Hey, howareyaandFUCKYOU' SatansCookies, AKA Satan'sCookies, AKA Dave, is a rather queer fellow. A white supremist by nature and a former member of the Ku-Klux-Klan (he was thrown out for behavior), Dave sports an aerodynamic haircut and a mouth that would make a sailor blush. Dave is also a fearsome undead player in Warcraft 3 and a force to be reckoned with. He agreed, however, to play as the orcish hordes against my fearsome humans.about as menacing as a beastie boy
Hear the voice of Satan! (new window... vulgarity warning)

LuckyNewbie, AKA LuckyNewbie:P, is me, the presenter of this report. Unfortunately I dont have a picture of myself on the internet in any compromising positions, so I'm not going to put one up for me. In comparison to Cookies, I'm pretty bad at this game, and I've played more team games than one on one. I chose my best race, the mighty humans, for obvious reasons. (I can't play anything else)

Early Game

"By the way, calling someone a "red neck" is like calling me white. It's what they are."
-Dragonsven (in loving memory?)

Only on Pay Per View

I start at the 9 o'clock position with the traditional 5 peasants and a town center. I send 3 of them to mine gold, and construct an Altar of Kings (to summon my hero) and a farm. On my sixth peon I make a barracks, effectively draining my lumber supply to 0. I send the new peastants to gold and lumber, and summon Malak the Avenger, a Paladin hero.
Paladin = uber 1337
Its hammah-time Paladins, among other things, can cast Holy Light, which heals the target unit 200 to 600 hitpoints, and can research a passive, armor boosting aura to increase nearby units armor 1 to 3 points. Although they arent much by themselves, Paladins are overall a great support hero, and can revive six fallen units to turn the tide of battle once their ultimate spell, resurrection, has been researched. like this one time, where my opponent had like all knights, and after our armies were down to like half size I used it and his own knights went back against him. also uber 1337.
do ya like the border? custom copied!
0rc p0w3|2 Once I have a comfortable amount of peasants mining resources, I convert one of them into militia (for extra speed and armor) and send it scouting counter-clockwise. At the six-oclock I find Dave's base, which is about an orc carbon copy of my own. It has a single barracks, an altar of storms and a burrow (house). Before I can uncover the rest of the base, Nikoro the BladeMaster chases me off with his grunt sidekick. but they didnt chase him... which is strange because even peasants give off experience. I'm sure Nikoro would learn a lot from gutting the poor bastard.
You wanna touch my sword?Blademasters are a bitch. The most annoying spell is definitely Mirror Image, which makes copies of the blade master (useful for scouting, hunting creeps, and winning big melee battles, but is very mana-heavy). Other spells include Wind Walk, which allows the Master to walk fast and invisible, and Critical Strike, which gives the Master to deal extra damage. Their ultimate spell, bladestorm, is the most feared in the game, and can devastate any advancing army.

When I get a couple of footmen to aide my hero, I go creep hunting in the middle. Because I have the paladin and the Holy Light healing spell, I dont lose a single troop devastating some very weak gnolls. Unfortunately, the little wolves don't give much experience, so I didn't level up.

A fearsome gnollOther than heroes, creeps are one of the greatest changes from starcraft. Weak creeps give little experience and useless (or sometimes no) items, but do little damage. Strong creeps can give huge item rewards and much greater experience, but they have no trouble killing a lone hero. Newbie advice? Don't attack the strongest creeps without an army capable of destroying, well... another army. The preceding sentence made sense.

After the gnolls, I regroup my army and fresh troops in my base. At this time, I see cookies sneaking out of his base with a few grunts and two blade masters (one is obviously a mirror image). Seizing the opprotunity to attack a defenseless base, I send my army through his natural and go right for the gold miners.

sorry about the bad quality, but this is the best I could manage and still have it a decent size

My attack only succeeds in disrupting mining and chopping time for approximately 2 seconds, as cookies good burrow placement was quite good at defending his gold miners. However, my main goal of the attack (to make him waste a teleport scroll to defend his base) succeeded, and I didnt lose any troops doing it.

Burrows double as houses and defensive structures. When an enemy attacks near them, up to four peons can be called by selecting "battle stations" to shoot arrows at enemy attackers. The arrows can do up to 50 damage (they shoot faster with more peons), so its best to stay away from them if not intending to destroy them.

Scrolls of town portal are depletable items. Every hero starts out with one. They teleport the hero and all units around him back to the target town center (or equivalent). This item makes it safe to hunt creeps without fear of attack, and reduces the damage a double-team can do in a team game.


"im not going to ffa when i dont have teammates yet"
- ground-lobp-
(legion of bad players)

Not yet gaining a strategic advantage, I gather my new troops into my army and try to locate the blademaster (and kill any creeps in the way). I expected to find the orcs somewhere in the middle hunting creeps, and sent my army to track them down. While my new troops are running out of my main to the center, the last footman gets assaulted by a group of green-skinned grunts. Cookies was on the way to attack my town. bitch
Once again, because this game isnt starcraft, it takes longer to kill a unit. My footman survived the gauntlet and lured his persuers into my army. Cookies immediately casts Mirror image, and charges. I cast healing on the injured footman and we meet near a mysterious pillar north of cookies natural. Our armies circle each other. Swords fly, axes crash. Both armies try to outflank the other and surround some unfortunate units. Twice cookies succeeded, and both times I was able to cast holy light on the unit and sneak it away without harm. As the first illusion fell and our armies began to wither, reinforcements from my base gave me an advantage. I almost succeeded in surrounding and killing his blade master (something that would have been devastating), but I didn't have enough troops, and the orcs advance the other direction back to their main. Fearing some overwhelming reinforcements, I return my army as well.

In the replay, I saw Dave had four grunts, but two of them were terribly near death, and he had only two replacements back at his base. I on the other hand had 5 high-health footmen and only one replacement in my base. Looking back, I probably could have stormed his base again and done some damage, but hindsight is 20/20. I HAV HINDSIGT HAK

Back at home, I finish my blacksmith (and cookies begins his second war mill) for upgrades. Because neither of us has gained advantage still, both of us decided it is a good time to kill the creeps gaurding our respective naturals. These creeps, forest trolls, put up more of a fight than before, but because it was night (all creeps sleep at night but golems and a few dragons), we were both able to sneak right up to their ranged units and kill off their most valuable warrior (a spellcaster) before they woke up. The lousy Jamaican poor trolls didn't stand a chance. Gnolls, on another topic, are by far the ugliest things ive ever seen. they are like dogs, but on two feet and with a hunchback. some of them carry a weird looking mace that does no considerable damage even if it helped them steal those slippers of agility they carry... obviously natural selection didnt apply to them. fuckers.
The Turning Point?

- Mneeuh
in case you dont know, im running low on quotes.

My expansion had been up and running long before cookies had begun his own. This is partly because cookies waited for the creeps to die and his troops to move away before building a burrow, and I started my town hall while the trolls were still fighting. However, the humans can put on extra peasants on construction, like in age of empires, but for a small fee (so much gold and lumber per second per extra peasant on construction) that can drain an income. When all's said and done, mine built 6 times faster and had a head start. GG.

This "expansion gap" could lead to an overwhelming strategic advantage if I could only maintain it. To do this, I would have to protect my own expansion, while making sure cookies is only mining from his main. This is when the peasant/scout I sent to his natural came back with images of orc buildings being made. If I were to use the "Newbie doctrine" as stated above, I could not allow such a threat to my resource dominance. this is also how you deal with communism ^^

Cookies, on the other hand, had been making his own doctrine. It was called the "kill lucky doctrine" and was put to the test as he charged with 8 grunts and his blademaster. I had popped out a few riflemen, even though I outnumbered him with 7 footmen and 2 rifles, grunts are much better fighters than footmen, and half the time my army was fighting mirror images. Satan had also picked up a "scroll of the beast" item from his natural, which gives a 25% bonus damage to his units for a duration of time. I knew that I would need to call the militia up sooner or later, and I had an expansion already, so I figured calling the peasants in my main to arms wouldn't have disasterous results. The peasants in armor rushed out to meet the orcs and my retreating army, and soon the battle was back in my favor. I lost about 2 peasants and half my army, but cookies had to retreat with only 3 grunts left.

I feared where his army would go from the retreat, and moved my army to my expansion until I could get a few guard towers up. My fears were unfounded, as Satan mearly retreated to his base, gathered a few grunts, and went out hunting creeps.

I have money pouring in right now, but only one barracks. I scout with a militia unit and find satan expanding with no troops or towers to protect him. With my 5 footmen and 3 riflemen, I moved into his natural.

This next attack was greeted with no resistance, and was amazingly successful. Because the building wasnt finished, it was razed in about 12 seconds. Because satan had already wasted his scroll of town portal in the beginning, he was helpless to stop his expansion from being leveled. Newbie - 1, Satan - 0.

After this attack I got the hell outta dodge, knowing full well the news wouldn't go over with Nikoro and his Grunt army. To my dissappointment, cookies did not try another attack. I set up my second barracks and an arcane sanctum (spellcasting place), preparing to put my income to good use.

The Pitfalls of Crushing Cookies with a Wallet

"...titans-thesoby describes the destruction of six goliaths by two tanks as 'a great macro'..."
- Blarg-ElfKiller
good old titans

This is the point in the game that I really wish I had another chance at. I had better income than cookies, and in these next few minutes I come to realize that perhaps increasing my income alone was not a wise investment. It would still take a string of stupid moves, however, for me to lose this game.

To start off with, I attacked. Now that I had an income advantage, I figured the time was right. Any troops that I would lose could be easily replaced, while Satan would have a much harder time because of his money situation. I had five footmen and five riflemen (a definite no-no I would soon find out) and I charged his base through the natural. Because the gold mining harassment's failure last time, I went for a barracks instead. I had gotten down to about 35% health when a grunt attacked me. Now I made another stupid move.

I started to retreat from the army, a good idea, when I decided that running away didn't give me much of a victory last time. Instead of hopping back to my base, I made another about-face and joined battle.

Having equal number of footmen and riflemen was a definite mistake. Cookies had about 9 angry grunts that easily surrounded my poor footmen. I ran with the survivors (mostly rifles) back to my base for four footmen reinforcements. After a quick battle below the ramp to my main, it became apparent that cookies had some advantage over my troops. Not only did he have a higher level hero, he had better upgrades. I was fighting with 1/1 footmen versus 2/2 grunts. Although I had a level 2 devotion aura, which boosts armor by two for units around my hero, cookies was continuing to upgrade while I was not.

I fled my army back to my main, hoping for any height advantage (I'm not sure there is for melee units, but there should!). The orcs gathered below my ramp unaware of my watching them. Then, they moved north. Either this was a ploy to lure me off the high ground or an attack on my natural. I ran my units down the ramp and sent a peasant from the natural to scout for any danger. Sure enough, he was hacked to death by orc axes as the horde charged my expansion.

The little peasants life was not in vain, however. The three seconds it took for him to die let me send new footmen to the expansion, and use my scroll of town portal to warp my main army to its aid. I immediately used Call to Arms again, and with similar results. The orc army was beaten back with only two grunts and a blade master, while mine was still something to be feared. I did not know those figures at the time, however, only that my hero had gotten down to about 60 hitpoints because the real blade master got some powerful "critical strike" hits on him. I did not pursue. poor paladin
Scottie beamed me three times last night... it was fantastic

The Real Turning Point

"God help you pot smoking little wierdos now."
- Mark4
Two Mark4 quotes on the same report! could it be?

Regardless of how the battles went, I still maintained my resource advantage. With dual barracks and now an arcane sanctum, things were looking good. I gathered my army back at my main and scouted for something to attack.

What I really should have done here is what Cookies did, and kill creeps to level my hero. Unfortunately, I was still in the starcraft mindset and bent on killing orcs and when I saw yet another orc expansion I couldn't help but send my army and CRUSH HIS FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO DIG HIMSELF OUT OF THE PILE OUT COW SH*T I HAD SO TRIUMPHANTLY DUMPED ON HIM. With 7 footmen, 4 riflemen and a level 3 paladin, I knew his measly five grunts and a level 5 blademaster would be no match. Little did I know...

well, let me spell this all out for you. This is my force.
This is his force.

So now, how the hell did my force, when put up to his force, end up like this:

Well, here are the facts:(excuses)
1) Those werent ordinary grunts, they had Beserker Strength (+100 hitpoints, +3 attack), which makes them effective late game. I should have been fighting them with knights, not flimsy, breakable footmen.

2) Those grunts had 3attack/2armor upgrades, while I only had 1/1 (1/3 if you count devotion aura). My footmen were doing 14 damage, and his grunts were doing 28. Ouch.

3) The blademaster was a level 5 hero and had critical strike at level 3. This means that he can do up to 200 damage. The blademaster alone could have put up quite a fight against my troops (with his level 2 mirror image ability). When it comes down to it, his hero > my army.
Satan now has an upgrade, hero, and tech-tree advantage, while I have nothing, NADA to show for my efforts throughout the game. Satan is now in control, and only by making a major mistake will he come out the loser.

Bladestorm > Everything

"Bladestorm > everything"
- Blarg
so true, so true

So where do I go from here? I retreat my army back to my main and get ready for an attack. Do I upgrade? No. Do I level my hero? No. Do I get castle-tech and much needed knights? No. Do I do anything wise with my money? No. What do I get? Mortars and a mountain king, because I love dwarves so much. I'm going to fucking shoot myself.

By now Cookies wised up and figured out that some ranged units might be a nice compliment to his army. Below my main I see some green-skinners heading off to my natural and killing the peasant I sent there to warn of just such a thing. I pursue, forgetting that his army had killed mine with ease when there numbers were small, but now we are evenly matched. Cookies realizes this as well, and when he sees my army he doesn't hesitate to try and finish me off. I retreat my army back to high ground, orcs nipping at my heals, and make a last stand on my ramp.

mortars looks like nukes, haha

The fight was over before it began, and my footmen quickly get chopped apart by blademasters and grunts. My paladin and Mountain King fight side by side, but the former only had 1/4th his original hitpoints and quickly succumbs to grunts. With about half my army left, Cookies casts a very bad bladestorm, but nonetheless manages to kill my retreating mountain king and a few rifles.

mushroomcloud.jpgI reluctantly call up the militia and with my remaining troops (a few footmen and a mortar) chase off cookies once again. However, his army runs away surprisingly fast and doesnt stay around for the militia to be sent back to work. I had sent a mortar down at the beginning of the battle to try and kill his expansion while his mind was occupied. The thing got down to about 1/4th life before all the peons he had started to repair. It was a good move, but it didn't work out and I still don't have an advantage.

wtf are you looking for here... hidden text?

While my army is recovering, I see Satan's army south of my base, killing off creeps near the goblin merchant. I used my mortar to try and shoot at his hero and lure him here, but even though mortars are very accurate (they always hit the ground), the ploy doesnt work. In the replay I noticed Cookies purchased a scroll of town portal to replace the one he wasted so early in the game, as well as a scroll of protection and a scroll of healing.

My Paladin was revived about this time, and I decided to try and take out Dave's expansion even if it meant losing another army. When I moved out of my base I found his army pretty close, and got my ass back up the ramp. With about 10 footmen and a few mortars, as well as my two heroes, another valiant but pitched battle ensues. The footmen once again get crushed, and I call up the militia again. I had placed a guard tower behind my barracks since the previous attack, and the last line of my forces chases the orcs off again.

I rebuild another army, this time without needed to revive my heros. With a peasant I had patrolling the 3 o'clock for any expansions, I notice his army is off killing creeps once again, probably to be followed by expansion. With Satan's Army off fighting forest trolls thats not something you say everyday, I decide if I am to have any chance in this game, I better not let him get more than one expansion... you saw what he did with the first one

ownstorm.jpgWith my biggest army yet, including footmen, riflemen, a paladin, a mountain king, 3 mortars and a few priests, I head out. No scout of anything is set below my ramp. I proceed to lay the smack down on his natural, but to my dismay his army warps in to fight again. With a volley of mortar blasts, the great hall blows into a million different pieces. Retreating back, Satan casts a perfect bladestorm that kills all of my retreating footmen. Fuck.

Although his army is by no means huge, he has a level 9 blade master and some pretty nasty items. With clever use of mirror image, healing wards, and siege weapons, my army is slaughtered and the buildings fall shortly after. I make a laughable charge with the footmen at my natural, but nothing can stop the orc juggarnaught now.

no one else available?

Good game, I concede, and then go on to make excuses on why I lost. I had no sound. Honest.

The End

The part where I got tired of writing

Well, this battlereport was all about lessons learned. While expansions and more resources can be devastating if used properly, so can higher level heroes and a nasty use of spells, as Cookies so eagerly showed me. Also, secondary ranged units are only good if they are supporting a good number of melee units. In the case of humans, a ratio of 2:1 is good for footmen, while 1:1 works for knights and orc grunts. Oh well, you win some, you lose some, and you get better. Thanks for reading this sentence anyone still here. Oh yes, and go leave a comment on |]agomar's report, his ego desperatly needs it.

For those battlereporters that liked the custom borders and the very poor resolution orc grunt at the top (it looks sweet full size), contact me by email at and I'll gladly set you up with some paint shop pro warcraft borders and anything else you need. If you would like the replay of this, please e-mail me as well. If you want to hack me, go ahead and do that to Dag.

If you like what you see here, please say so, and I might make more :O Well, I guess thats it....
General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Yes, Jack?
General Jack D. Ripper: Have you ever seen a Commie drink a glass of water?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Well, I can't say I have.
General Jack D. Ripper: Vodka, that's what they drink, isn't it? Never water?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Well, I-I believe that's what they drink, Jack, yes.
General Jack D. Ripper: On no account will a Commie ever drink water, and not without good reason.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Oh, eh, yes. I, hmm, can't quite see what you're getting at, Jack.
General Jack D. Ripper: Water, that's what I'm getting at, water. Mandrake, water is the source of all life. Seven-tenths of this earth's surface is water. Why, do you realize that seventy percent of you is water?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Uh, uh, Good Lord!
General Jack D. Ripper: And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water to replenish our precious bodily fluids.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Yes. (He begins to chuckle nervously)
General Jack D. Ripper: Are you beginning to understand?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Yes. (More laughter)
General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled water, or rainwater, and only pure-grain alcohol?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Well, it did occur to me, Jack, yes.
General Jack D. Ripper: Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation. Fluoridation of water?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Uh? Yes, II have heard of that, Jack, yes. Yes.
General Jack D. Ripper: Well, do you know what it is?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: No, no I don't know what it is, no.
General Jack D. Ripper: Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous Communist plot we have ever had to face?
Oh wait! the scores:
Overview | Units | Heroes | Resources

Just the Facts Ma'am
size of report: 786 kb, (including the externally linked scores)
size of the average |]agomar report: 1.3 mb (including the text-onlys!)
# of pictures: 38 (average 20.7 kb/picture)
my biggest rating: 9
my rating promised by drefsab for beating him in micro wars: 10
rating received: 7
number of poor excuses for losing this game: 5
number of hours spent on this report: Approx. 15
number of lives I have: 0
number of good reports by caughtnaked: 0
number of paint programs used: 3
number obtained legally: 0
price of warcraft 3: $60.00
price of harry potter collectors edition dvd at ~ $52,800
the score I got on the AP-US exam: 5
frost's SAT score: 1246
number of words in the declaration of independence: 1,300
number of words in US regulations for the sale of cabbage: 26,911
number of times matched me up with someone 10 levels above me: 3
Number of pictures before the end of this report: 1
Number of comments you should leave: lots
As always,
Yup, thats me, LuckyNewbie:P, aren't I cute?

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