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"i'm not atheist. instead i believe in god so i can hate him"

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Date: 05/30/02 07:05
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 8.0, # of Ratings: 1, Max: 8, Min: 8
Lifetime Rating for Ling-erie: 8.1429

Another report.... Setting: I'm in NH trading reps with ..Disturbed when he hosts this game of Uncle~Jam (one of the stars from my FFA report) playing some pubbie PvP on temple. Blah blah, stuff happens, now you're reading this.... hf!

Ok, Uncle~Jam starts off with a brown Protoss nexus at the 9:00 start while his opponent, Lightning[WrG] gets a yellow Protoss nexus on the 12:00 plateau. Lightning's main Don't leave just yet, I know PvP sucks, but I promise this game is funny as hell =]. Anyway, Jam takes a step into the lead by cloning his peons while is opponent sort of half-heartedly throws them at the mineral line in average pubbie style. Jam's mainJam makes a pylon on 8 in his main and sends his probe to scout towards 12:00, while Lightning shows how deranged he is by kicking off proceedings with a pylon on 9 control..... Both players opt for a gateway on 10 control and Lightning sends a probe out to scout towards 3:00, thus destined not to find Jam for a while. Jam gets an assimilator on 12 while his foe opts for a second pylon followed shortly by a second gateway, and curiously a second scouting probe, that works it's way towards 9:00. This mainly as his first probe is going to re-check 3:00 on the chance of what? Jam having lifted? wtf? Well anyway, that probe guards the vespene geyser there for a while.

You don't really care about builds do you? thought not, ok, Jam is going 2-gate goons with range now, he didn't make a single zealot. Lightning is going 2-gate zeals, He doesn't have an assimilator and has no intention of teching just yet. What is it about worker rushes in games that I report?His second probe finally reaches Jam's main where he finds the tech and probably curses loudly and often for a while. But not for long, as we all know that 3 zeals with 2 more in the making own 1 goon with 1 in the making. Lightning seems to be aware of this, and thus sets off to attack, but unusually, he seems to want to take extra measures to secure an uber-fast victory. As a result, he pulls EVERY SINGLE PROBE off and throws them into the attack. This is most certainly going to help tip the balance in his favour, with the only unit not sent into battle being the probe on the 3:00 plateau. So the long march on Jam's main begins, and with Jam's scouting probe dying just before the zeals left their main, he really has no idea what's in store for him. Well Jam starts a second gateway, and camps his first two goons on his ramp. Lightning's latest two zeals warp in from Auir and he sends them on their way to his opponent's main. He now has 134 minerals, no gas, and nothing mining.

The war begins as Jam's unranged goons start throwing plasma charges at the lead zealot as it makes it's way around the bottom of Jam's ramp.This could be bad......You're supposed to micro OUT of trouble... He then sees the procession of probes and realises that the shit has not only hit the fan, but has knocked it clean off the shelf and into the bin. Lightning's strategyegy quickly becomes apparent as he sends his three zealots after Jam's 2 goons, making Jam dance like a bitch, and at the same time he's sending all his probes on attack move through Jam's buildings, trying to lighten the load for the zeals later on. Well Jam loses his first two goons despite microing is ass off in an attempts to kill the intruders, but he doesn't score a kill (although a zeal is knocked down to 2 hitpoints). He has 2 more goons building in his gateways and another that is leading his probes in their valient defence, and range is nearly done. Now the micro really gets intense. Jam tries to throw a field of probes between the attackers and his last combat unit, but tragedy strikes as one zeal manages to get within range and the goon starts taking hits. Jam then confounds his problems by blocking off his goon's retreat with his own freakin probes, and thus it melts to zealot fire just before the 2 hitpoint zealot goes up in a puff of smoke under Jam's probe attack.

Jam has now 13 probes fighting against his opponent's 12 probes and 2 zeals... but not for long, the goon-killing zeal is surrounded by Jam's probes who manage to vaporise it,Zeals have the best death sequence in Brood Wars by miles =] I guess the goon did just enough damage. Jam rallies his probes and surrounds the last zealot, in a valient attempt to bring it down, Well, at least he got 1 goon outbut it suddenly gets worse for him as Lightning's two delayed zealots arrive on the scene and start kicking off on a gateway, and the only pylon in powering the two gateways. Jam wins a small moral victory as his probes kill the attacking zealot, and a dragoon pops out of the lower gateway, just before the pylon explodes. At this point Jam has eight probes, one ranged dragoon, 231 minerals (and nearly 300 gas) and no powered production facilities, with another goon stuck almost fully warped in. Lightning is working with two full-health zealots, ten probes, and enough money for another zeal at home. Things are getting really desperate now, as Jam can't keep adding to his forces, and as a result tries to wall-off his dragoon (with his probes) from the two attacking zealots. Jam manages to kill a couple of probes, and get some free hits on the zeals while running his goon around to draw fire, but Lightning gets wise to this and sets one zeal attacking the probes, throwing the balance back in his favour. He also makes a long-term investment by starting a new zealot back home.

Jam responds to the change in targets by stopping his goon and going head to head with the other zealot, which has taken some considerable damage. When Lightning realises this he sends his second zealot to kill the goon, and at this point Jam starts it running again, letting the probes get another zealot kill. It's now 1 zeal and 8 probes against 1 badly damaged goon and 7 probes. Jam is trying his hardest just to circle his own probes so that his opponent's units follow, allowing Jam's probes free hits, but his goon can only take one more zeal hit so he needs to let it's shields recharge. In a lapse of concentration it's all over, Jam's dragoon stops long enough to fire a plasma bolt at the zealot, but the second time it tries this, the zealot catches up with the goon and tears it open, letting the blue goo flow forth. And the clouds didst part and thunder rain fell upon the ground as the dead warrior bit the dust for the second time. Oh shit, this is bad! Jam knows that it's do or die now, and so he starts a new pylon by the gateway encasing the half-warped goon, and he buys time by sacrificing his other probes to the vanquishing zealot at the bottom of Jam's plateau. Lightning finishes off all but one of Jam's probes before realising that he's been had, and rushes everything towards the nearly-warped pylon. However, his efforts prove to be in vain, as the dragoon pops out and kills the very low health zealot before it gets close enough to attack.

Sure that victory (on his own plateau at least) is in his grasp now, Jam sends his last probe back to mining while microing his goon against the 5 probes of his opponent. To be honest, he doesn't do this very well, but he's confident at this point and is just buying himself mining time to make the extra troops that will be required to kill his opponent's base. Remember he doesn't know if his opponent is mining or not (Lightning has a probe at 3:00 still, but isn't mining with it). Well, Jam continues with the move & fire routine, managing to bag a probe, and Lightning makes every attempt to surround the dragoon to secure a kill.And ppl play this game for money? with these flaws? =/ However, Lightning's last-hope zealot arrives on the scene forcing Jam to re-think his strategyegy. It's now essential that he doesn't lose his goon as he is making probes with his new money from mining, not combat units. Then fate steps in and fucks up everything, and in one of those monumental flaws in StarCraft, the goon AI kicks in and rapes Jam up the ass! His goon stops firing, gets surrounded, still doesn't fire, gets attacked by the zeal, still doesn't fire, gets hurt pretty badly, STILL DOESN'T FIRE and then finally dies. The zeal didn't take a single hit... THX BLIZZARD YOU IDIOTS! (yes I'm cheering on Jam to win cos he's my friend). Anyway, Jam yells numerous profanities across the neighbourhood, setting off a bunch of car alarms, waking up dogs, the usual judgement day shit. He then sets about working out what he has.

After a long and arduous counting session, he realises that he has two probes. That's it. 2 probes and fuck you very much blizzard. 2 probes vs 3 probes and a full health zealot.Pylon down, take 2 This is gonna be one of those Boxer/dropship moments if he wants a win now. Still, in the never-say die spirit, he sets about mining, ignoring Lightning who finishes off the pylon powering the gateways,All that harassment failed to save the bottom gateway and then sets about harassing Jam's probes and carving rude words the lower gateway. Jam starts hit & run attacks on one of the enemy probes with his two guys, while sending a brand new probe out to mine. It's not long before the lower gateway falls, and Jam realises that 2 probes will never harass a zealot to death. As a result, he sends his workers to mine, hoping for a miracle. Lightning, realising his opponent's strategy of not killing his shit, focuses fire on the nexus. This will be a game deciding move if Jam doesn't somehow stop it. Jam realises that he can't win this way, and so attacks Lightning's probes with his own. Luckily for him, Lightning's got the reaction speed of sloth, and Jam manages to bag a probe leaving it 3 probes for Jam vs 2 probes and a zeal for Lightning (who also has that damn probe doing nothing in the 3:00 main). Jam uses his 1337 skillz to harass the fuck out of his opponent with three orange hitpoint probes, making destruction of his nexus a long and drawn out process.

Seeing that his opponent isn't making probes, and that his gateway is unpowered, Lightning decides that his troubles will be over if he just disposes of those three probes.First probe down, zealot starts chasing the assassins He's right too; without them Jam is dead in the water, and so Lightning gives chase and Jam runs away in an attempt to keep his warriors alive. Lightning doesn't want to let that base out of his sight though,Second probe down with the zealot far behind and thus returns to beating on the nexus, forcing Jam to come back and harass him some more. Jam has 43 minerals but realises that one of his probes is carrying some, so deposits that in the nexus and starts making a 4th probe. His nexus is on less than 300 hitpoints though, and Jam knows it's too close to risk, so he sends his badly mangled forces into battle once more, trying desperately to draw Lightning's attention away from the burning structure. One of Lightning's probes was attacking a pylon, leaving Jam an opportunity, so with the help of his new probe, he picks off his opponent's peon and runs away as the zeal gives chase. Now for those of you who don't know this, probes are faster than zeals and Jam was well aware of this fact when he baited his opponent's zeal above his assimilator then ran his probes down and picked off Lightning's last attacking probe in style!

Now I'll be honest, that was impressive, but the Zeal has full hitpoints and the probes could never take it alone. There's still a long way to go for Jam if he wants to get anything out of this game. Jam now shows his skills by baiting the zealot up to his ramp, away from the now 200 hitpoint nexus, and then sending one of the four probes around the side to start mining where Lightning can't see it. With two of his opponent's probes on 3 hitpoints, Lightning has decided finally to kill them before going on to do the nexus. As a result, he happily waddles his zealot down the ramp after the faster probes, and out into the open of the natural. Jam is still a genius though, and hides one probe out of view behind the top minerals in the natural, as the zealot chases the other two out towards the mineral only area. Once the zealot has passed, Jam sends this probe back into his main to mine along with the other one. Jam plays a tight game leading his opponent through the statues in the middle, then on up to his opponent's main with his two 3-hitpoint probes. He still doesn't know if Lightning is mining or not, so this is a good scouting opportunity too. but Jam's smart, and splits the probes up just short of the 12:00 valley, sending one more home to mine, sending his opponent's zeal on a wild-goose chase into his own base. Jam also starts making a 5th probe at home as he starts trying to resurect the battered remains of his economy. At least he can mine un-harassed... for now.

On only the 14 minute mark, Jam's probe enters Lightning's main and to his utter relief he finds that there's not a peon in sight, he's safe from any further units coming his way. After getting a good look around, he retreats back down the ramp and starts a 6th probe at home. His diversionary probe keeps scouting and works it's way towards the 6:00 main now, but he forgets how fast his probe is, and Lightning loses sight of it. Suddenly realising that he's got 1 zealot in the middle of the map, and has no idea where his opponent's troops are. That's never good, and so he ignores the lost peon at 6, and heads towards Jam's main again. Jam now has 8 peons working the minerals, and invests in a pylon to power the last gateway just as Lightning's zealot reaches his ramp. Jam suddenly realises that the probe at 6 is alone, and so sends 2 more to his ramp to slow down the zealot that is sure to arrive soon, but he's too late, it's up the ramp now and into his main. Lightning knows exactly what to do now, and he starts beating on the gateway, with the pylon still unfinished it will be a while before Jam has any combat units, so Lightning sets about preventing the construction of anything that could match his zealot by killing the gateway. Jam needs to buy himself more time, and sends a probe towards the zealot. It turns out that the zeal wasn't focus firing on the gateway, but was attack-moving towards it, and as a result, it follows the probe back towards the ramp. Jam takes this moment to start warping in a dragoon in his gateway.

In a state of disbelief I see the zealot no only go to the ramp, but down it, and still it follows the probe into the middle of the map again! This is just unreal, how can Lightning not see this happening? Jam's probe from 6:00 scoots straight past it and starts mining too, making it 14 probes mining, one dragoon just finished, and 1 more just starting in the gateway. The window of opportunity is now firmly closed, it's almost impossible for Lightning to get back into this game.... about as impossible as it was for Jam to do so five minutes ago ^^. Well, Jam's no slouch, and after scouting the 3:00 main he sends his probe back to the centre of the map with the zeal still following it. His first dragoon makes it's way to Lightning's man and starts hitting the nearest gateway while his second dragoon meets up with the probe and zealot in the middle of the map to introduce the most amazing play of the game so far: Jam shoots the zeal to make it's AI target the goon, then runs the goon in circles around the probe, literally about 12 times, until that small probe gets it's revenge and wears down the zealot, finally killing it with the dragoon still on 64 hitpoints. A real eye-pleaser by Jam the showman =]

It's now Lightning's turn to work his way to victory with one probe; the peon in the 3:00 main. Sadly, he never even sees that probe, and Jam beats his main into dust with 3-gate goons bringing to a close probably the most stupid PvP that ever existed, but without doubt the best comeback of all time considering the odds. And guess what Jam named the replay? After all that incredible micro and heart-stopping suspense?? Well, it's here for you to download: "Lamest Game Ever.rep"!!! ok Jam, no wonder you play nothing but D2 now.. ^^. Anyway, hope you liked it, here are the scores:

Does anyone actually read these?

Now some random links:
Brood War High. This is one of the funniest StarCraft sites on the net, Mick = God ;]
Reflections. So hard, really good fun, pretty addictive.
Advice on how to survive bachelorhood from ..Disturbed.
Some good reps that I posted a while back.

Well Jam, congrats for learning to fend off the worker rush, I'm glad you learned from last time ;)

Hey, this is good, I get to write a report and put in any dumb shit that I like, and most of you will read it ^^. Ok, I'll stop now. Anyway, I know it's a short report, but it was such a cool game that it had to be done. We all know that there'll never be a better PvP report than this made ever, DON'T WE BREEZE!!!! =]

Props to Jam for playing the game and to ..Disturbed for halping me. I always seem to give you props although i can never work out quite what it is you do... if anything.. oh well. Hi to Inkmeister, i know you're watching, hi Mum, hi other ppl, ok go away now thx.

Erm, The End I guess =/



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