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"You guys are funny. Don't play terran vs toss on island= good joke."

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Date: 05/19/02 07:05
Game Type: Other
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Report Rating: 8.0, # of Ratings: 2, Max: 8, Min: 8
Lifetime Rating for EldritchEvil: 8.5111
Welcome, friends. Welcome to a rather... unorthodox Battle Report. It is unorthodox, in several ways:

1.) It is about a single player game.

2.) Said game is not *gasp* Starcraft OR Strifeshadow!!!

3.) It isn't even an RTS.

4.) It is continuous (Not like funnymarx's BR, but I will continue to post more BR's if I get a good reaction.)

(Note: Please excuse the absolutely horrendus quality of the screenshots. All I have is Abode Photodeluxe 2(eeeeeewwwwwwww) to work with and my skill with graphics editing is about NIL.) Also, check for the ALT text, click on all the links and please do not feed the monkeys. ("NO!! George, wait! Oh heck, someone grab him!") Also, to get an idea of what the game looks like, please get information on space travel and information on what planets look like.

And so... I present to you...

I've always wondered why those two ships were flying CLOSER to the exploding star...

Escape Velocity: NOVA!!!

As I fired up Escape Velocity: NOVA (hereinafter referred to as EV:N), Pint of rootbeer in my left hand, mouse in the other, watching the pretty loading screen (see above picture) I though about who my new character was going to be. Was he going to be a freedom fighter, striking out for justice? Or maybe a humble trader, earning a paltry living in the trade routes of the core systems? Or maybe, just maybe... A religious leader of krwim-ha, leading the free peoples of the world to a life of non-violence and union!!! Riiiiiight. Crazed maniacal galaxy-domination bent madmen in shuttles are way more fun to play. And thus, I pondered about who I shall call my new crazy-person. He needs a name, of course. All good galaxy-dominating type persons have scary names. Atilla had The Hun, Vishnu had Destroyer of Worlds, and Martha Steward didn't need one.(She is scary enough.) Ah yes, I know...

A name to strike true fear into the hears of my enemies, indeed.

I was staring at the fan. Its spinning mesmerized me, but I tore myself away. I had to think of a name. The name of Kevin had to be left behind. No great galaxy-dominators were ever named Kevin. I need a name to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies. That, once my reign is complete, my slaves will cringe at the sound of my new name!!! I grinned evilly. Oh yes, they would cringe. Especially those people who laughed at me in high school, and called me names like 'Nerd' and 'Wimp' and beat me up in front of the girl's locker room. Oh yes, they will cringe moreso than the rest... I gave into crazy, high pitched laughter in the shelter of my apartment room. Gaining control of myself again, I pondered my name... Ah, yes... I have it... Pulling over my Apple Super-Power book 217TIM (Eleven thousand seven hundred zilla-hertz, 1200 zilla's of HH-TRAM, and a 120 zilla Hard Drive (A zilla is a thousand petrabytes, which are a thousand gigabytes.) and registered myself and my shi- Ah. My ship needs a name too. All good ships have names to fit their owners. Ah yes, that's a good one... I typed into the Galaxial Registration Entry Form, for my name... Lord Zod! For my ship name - A New Sigma Shipyards Cargo Shuttle, armed with a single light blaster - the I Will Devour Your Soul I. I gave into maniacal laughter again. Galaxial domination is so... So sweet, sometimes...

After entering my Player and Ship name (and selecting Strict Play, which means if you die, you die.) I clicked on Enter Ship, and went through the Storylines...
Story 1
Story 2
Story 3

I went through the mandatory briefing on the history of the Colonial Council, the Federation and the Hypergate system. Yawn yawn. I would dominate everything, in time... Once again I gave into maniacal laughter. This laughing, after all, had been the cause of my coming eviction, but I was out of here anyway, so who cares about a little indulgence...

The game starts with you (In your shuttle) Orbiting one of four possible planets. I had been blessed (or cursed?) with Moonview, a system with an Uninhabited system right by it. (yick.) It is required of you to land on the planet you start at. (well, not really, but my monkeys will come and- Hey!! Wait, GEORGE!! GET BACK HERE!!!!)

As I left my apartment(Blasted policemen, grumble mumble...) and headed to the shipyards where my beloved I Will Devour Your Soul I is docked, I considered my first plan. Probably check out the Spaceport Bar and the Mission Computer, then the outfitters shop to see what's there.(After that police brutality, I need a drink), then go to the stars an-... Hey... What's that old guy doing coming near me...?

Never let old men onto your ship without the presence of several court justices and- HEY!! GEORGE, NO NOT AGAIN!! *sound of monkeys in the background*

Well. I may be crazy(at least that's what my roommate told me after I said If he helped me take over the world I wouldn't use the whip on him TO often),bent of total galaxial domination, but I am NOT about to let strange, old men who claim to be able to "Show me the ropes" before my "Maiden Voyage" and feel free to slap my shoulder and grin and wink at me onto MY ship, thank you. So after I push him away, tell him that once I take over the galaxy I'll slap him SILLY, he backs away, then flees. Laughing, I go over to my ship.

After refusing the game tutorial, I headed over to the mission computer. nothing interesting or well paying, so I checked out the outfits shop. After seeing nothing interesting (or affordable, as you only start with a paltry 25,000 credits to your name.) I leave, and head to the spaceport bar...

I walked into the spaceport bar. It was loud, noisy, and obnoxious. I liked the place immediately. After taking a seat at an empty table, I ordered a drink, and noticed a blue-suit wearing woman walking up to me...

Only women in the shipping buisness wear blue, right?

When Samantha addressed me as Kevin, I started. "My name isn't Kevin". I said. "My name is Lord ZOD!" Samantha blinked. "Funny. I was looking for you and the citizen search showed you as-" She began, but I yelled, "MY NAME ISN'T KEVIN!! IT'S LORD ZOD, GOT THAT?!" She jumped up. "Uh... Right, Ke- I mean, Lord Zod..." She glanced back and forth. Then she continued with the offer of a job. I was about to refuse, but then a glimmer of reason showed. It said I needed money to get bigger weapons and cooler ships. I accepted the job. As she left, I considered. Personal Effects, eh? I wonder...

After accepting the United Shipping Introduction mission, I blasted off from Moonview, checked my mission computer and make tracks as far as I could see to my pickup destination... (Note: The only reason she really did, in the game, address me as Kevin was because I forgot (!) to take screenshots of that with Lord ZOD! So I made a new one named Kevin Jentarin and well, you understand.)

Travel through the stars requires a starship, energy, guts and sunglasses.  Those stars are BRIGHT.

As I walked through the shipyard to my new, blue, Light Laser bearing shuttle, I listened to the sights - Ships much bigger than my own, with large, nasty looking laser turrets - sounds - welding irons - and my own thoughts. Mostly they said "Killkillkillkillkillkillkill" but I've grown used to that over time. I climbed into my new shuttle, impressed with the crispness, the 10 ton cargo hold, and the "Fire" button. Blasting off from Moonview was a pain in the posterior end, as the endless holding patterns and only "Snak Paks" to tide me over, I eventually got away from the clouds, and the twin moons. In the black depths of space, here is where I would conquer. I would rule here, in the blackne- Holy HORSE DROPPINGS!!! THAT JERK JUST PASSED ME BY YOU SON OF A TURNIP!! I'LL KIIIIIIIIIILL YOU!!! Unfortunatly, I never got to press the "Fire" button against that jerk. (Actually it was probably fortunate, as he had 4 Medium Blaster Turrets on his ship...) Space Rage. Neh. Then I turned on my Nav Computer, and saw a total OF - Two systems. I blinked. Moonview is the one I'm in, and then there's this uninhabited UHS-15161##### thing to the left. Must have forgotten the "Know where actual systems are" package when I ordered this ship. At least I got my leather seats and the subwoofer. So I made tracks to the uninhabited system. I initiated hyperspace warp, and then I experienced G-Forces usually reserved for Viper pilots doing the "Death Loop" on Tau II. Then when I came OUT of warp I when slammed forward into the windshield as the space brakes went on. I then knew two things:

One: It was tomorrow.

Two: I REALLY had to pee.

So I dashed at a high speed to the space toilet, and got that warm, fuzzy feeling of satisfaction you can only get by watching your own urine float off into infinity. I had figured out by now that it takes a day to make one Standard Hyperjump. I checked my Nav Computer again, and found that there were TWO jump possibility's staring me in the face. One, could go down (the system was grey, meaning, I guessed, unexplored...), the other, could go up. The handy red arrow told me that UP looked like the best choice, so I did... Whoo, more G's, but this time I buckled up (no slamming into windshields this time!) and only got my innards permenantly stuck to my spine. Hmmm, I thought, after I went to the bathroom, this is interesting... A quick scan of the system's ships showed an interesting fighter...

There's an old saying that goes: 'Never let a redneck get hold of a shotgun.'  I think the same applies to high tech, laser-and-missle- bearing fighters as well...

Hmmm. A Redneck fighter? Who controls this system anyway? Aha...

Redneck, Rougneck, same difference...

Hmmmm. A system controlled by "Roughnecks" with a "Redneck" fighter? I liked the place immediately. Unfortunatly, I could not land as I had more pressing concerns...

After making the two jumps from Moonview to Nesre Secondus (Home of Rackzak's Roughnecks. Quote: "Rackzak's Roughnecks. HOORAH!!!"), I had only one jump of fuel left, so I went from Nesre Secondus to a system you guys might know about... Sol...

Ah, Earth.  And no, the ring around it isn't Disney's Giant Monorail they were always talking about building.

I jumped to the Sol System. Birthplace of everything, all came from that system. Right then and there, I knew that was my first target. But, I must get a stronger ship before I can dominate any planet, so I landed on Earth. After refuling my beloved I will devour your soul I, I set off. I'll have to visit earth again, but not today...

After refuling, I set off for the Tau system. Then, I would land on Tau II and pick up the "Personal Effects". Whatever those are.

I blasted off from Earth (Curse you holding patterns!) and jumped for the Tau system, where my "pickup" planet was. I wonder what those personal effects are. Then, all was forgotten but wether or not my eyeballs would be compressed against my brain. Then, the now-familiar sensation of your guts hitting your back as the space-brakes set in. I hate artificial gravity.

After jumping in, I prepared to land at Tau II.

I landed on Tau II, and saw - briefly - a famous X-Treem Rocketboard race. Then, I saw one Rocketboard careen into a canyon wall going about 350 MPH... Not my idea of a fun sport. Anyway, then I landed and found where I was supposed to pick up the "Personal Effects".

No thanks?!  That was a hard job!  My monkeys will EAT THEM!!!  Hey, GEORGE!! NO, DON'T CHEW ON THAT!! OH HECK, SOMEBODY GET THAT OUT OF HIS MOUTH!!! *sound of monkeys*

Hmph. Well, after that thankless pickup, I refuled, went back to the ship and checked my nav computer...


After picking up the "Personal Effects", I have to take them to Goliath in the South Manchester system. Sounds british. I took off from Tau II, noticing a rather odd ship near. I then jumped from Tau to Sol, where I noticed the UFS Ohio fighting a small fighter of some sort. The UFS Ohio is a big carrier, it's a "Person" in the game, which is a beefed-up ship in general, and has custom quotes.

As I took off from Tau II (I really really hate holding patterns), I noticed a large, blue ship. It almost looked... Translucent. Huh. It had a Fed. goverment ID, so it couldn't be a bad thing. Ship name said it was a Vellos Javelin... Whatever one of those was. And thus, typing in the co-ordinates for the Sol system, I experienced the familiar G's, and the familar retching sensation, and having to go to the toilet real fast. After reliving myself, I did a quick target-ship scan of the area, and noticed a Federation Carrier called the "U.F.S Ohio". What a strange name.

After doing the jump to Sol, I headed to the unexplored system to the upper-left. The system is Kerella, a Federation border station that doesn't like you. *sniff*. Then, I used my last jump of fuel (The shuttle starts with 3 jumps.(But if you were a wise monkey you would already know this.)) to head to the Lalande 21185(?) system. There I would refuel, before going the last jump, to the South Manchester system, to drop off my "Personal Effects".

I hyper-jumped to the unexplored system of Kerrela (Nearly hitting an asteroid) and saw I had one jump left. The next system was unexplored, so reason told me to land at that "Spacedock IV" and refuel. I did not see anything wrong with this, so I hailed the Spacedock dockmaster. A recording told me, "Docking Request Denied." I stared, then screeched in rage. My first target was no longer Sol, it was now Spacedock IV!!!! They denied LORD ZOD'S DOCKING REQUEST!! I WILL KILL THEM!!! KILL THEM AAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!! But they told me to work out my frustrations elsewhere, and cut off communications. Infuriated, I jumped to the next system. After the normalities of hyper-jump travel (my exact words were, "Nggggguyyaaaaaaaaaghhhhh."), I was out of fuel. So I went to the planet, Diva,and refueled. After the "Adventure" with Spacedock IV (Curse them!), I needed something alchoholic. So I went to the Bar, sat down and had a "Frumby Bubbles". Wierd name, but then I noticed this tattooed guy coming up to me...

I sure hope that Cunjos are nice, fluffy herbivores!

I was about to refuse this Auroran's Cunjo Hunt deal, but them he said the pay was 75,000. My eyes popped. At least, I think they did. I immediately accepted, and told him I had to drop off some "Personal Effects" first. He nodded, and said there was no hurry.

Public Servants?  Out for a thrill?  What about Disneys Giant Monorail?

After refuling and accepting the Cunjo Hunt mission (A very nice early 75,000, for an easy mission.) Also, for the curious, Cunjos are large, angry meat-eaters that were put on one of the moons of Greenwich, Hourglass, by hostile Aurorans. Then, I went to my destination system: South Manchester.

After loading the "hunters" and Charengo onto my ship, I headed off (Acursed holding patterns!!) to South Manchester. After the Hyper Jump (and everyone scrambling for the toilet), I noticed a very strange, purple rock...

Huh. Very odd indeed. Then I landed on Goliath, and headed to the Deliveries Office...

Huzzah!  A nice bit of moolah, and now I can get missions at the Mission BBS to boot!  Capitalism rules!

After completing the United Shipping Intro mission, I check out the Mission BBS for a United Shipping Mission, as they pay a lot better than normal missions. I see one for 20,000 that will make me pick up some Buisness Papers in the same system I have to take Charengo and co. Cool! I accepted it.

After completing that United Shipping job, I head over to the Mission BBS to see what's there...

An old adage: If you have a mission that'll let you pick up some buisness papers in the same system that you need to go to help you collect 75,000, then you should do it.

Excellent! Flushed with victory, I accept and head back to the I will devour your soul I to leave this planet.

After accepting the mission, I left spaceport and checked my Map to see what I could see...

I blasted off from Goliath (#$%#% Holding patterns!!!) and saw that same Purple Rock Ship. Wierd. I blasted off the three jumps from here, to Lalande 21185(Whats with the numbers?), to Kerella and my Arch-Nemesis, Spacedock IV (I'LL KILL YOU!!!), to Sol, and, seeing as I was out of fuel, landed on Earth. Seeing as how I have a bit of money, now, I thought I'd check out the Shipyards. No dice, everthing was way over my expensive account!! I am LORD ZOD, I MUST BE ABLE TO BUY THINGS!!! I was just about to pull my blaster and destory the enitre shipyards, but reason said I might be able to buy something after the Cunjo Hunt, but craziness overruled that until reason said that I would be able to buy something. Craziness said OK.

I had three jumps to go, and three jumps ready. Cinch. I jumped from Sol to Alphara, another Fed. Border post that hates you (mumble), from Alphara to Spica(Uninhabited), and from Spica to Horizion, where I could pick up the Business Papers AND go Cunjo Hunting all in the same system! Huzzah!

After three jumps (not even GOING TO ATTEMPT to talk to Spacedock III, grumble mumble) and a harrowing escape from an asteroid the size of Marlon Brando, I arrived in the Horizon System. I decided to go to Hourglass first, where the Hunters want to go. To hunt Cunjos. (My reasoning was that Cunjo Hunters have guns, whereas United Shipping Reps. do not.)

Very many holoshots.  Riiiight.

(NOTE: You'll have to open this picture in a new window to see it... Something wierd happened with it. - The Management)

After a rather entertaining four days watching Cunjo's try and run past about 10316513 auto-firing lasers, we blast off (no holding patterns, yay!), and then landed on Greenwich.. Then I headed to the deliveries office, and picked up the papers. I was about to go into the bar, but one look at it scared me off.

I didn't really NEED a hand loading buisness papers onto my ship, but when I checked how much they weighed, it was a TON, a.k.a 2,000 lbs.  Big Buisness. o_O

After doing the Cunjo Hunt, and picked up my Ton of buisness papers(?), I made tracks from Horizon to Spica to Alphara to Sol, to get my 75,000!

I plotted a course that would take my from Horizon to Spica to Alphara to Sol. I would miss Charengo and his band... Unless they weren't REALLY my friends, and instead we had all been put here to fight off a supposedly "Evil" alien race called the "bugs" for the third time. Not that THAT could ever happen. As I experienced the Death-G's and then Spine Splattering again, I knew that this was the -HUUURRRKLKL- life for -Unngngghhhh- me! As I landed on Earth once again, I let Charengo and co. off the I will devour your soul I...

Yes!  75,000!  Now I ca-...  George!   No, don't throw that at m- *sound of splatting, followed by monkeys*

As Charengo held out the stick, I grabbed it, and fled, laughing insanely, back to my ship. Charengo looked at me for a bit, smiled, shook his head and left.

After completing the Cunjo Hunt Mission, with a tidy sum in my pocket, I knew I could buy a ship...

With a fresh 100,000 in my pocketbook, I headed to the shipyards, with "Gonna buy a ship, or bust!" by the Meteor Showers set to my jaw...

So it's used.  So if you say anything my monkeys will rip your nose off.  No, George, I didn't mean for you to ri-AUUGGHHH!! *sound of screaming and of monkeys*

Yes! A Good Used Shuttle! (There are two types of "Used" ships: The good kind, and the bad kind.) Now, armed with TWO Light Laser Blasters, I CAN DOMINATE THE WORLD!!! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAA!!!!

I was excited. I was the proud owneer of a new Heavy Shuttle! Ignoring the fact it was used. After christening my new ship, I lifted off from Earth again(not so irritated at the holding patterns this time), and decided to test my new, improved, 2 light blasters...

Blam!  Blam!  Fire those lasers, Spock!

And... Thats it. End of part one. If you'd like to see more of Lord Zod! and his adventures in the world of Escape Velocity:NOVA, please let me know in the comments section. That, or send me a check and/or money order. Please. ^_^

Shoutout time:

I'd like to thank |]agomar for keeping this site alive with his gosu reports.

I'd like to thank everyone at Ambrosia Software for being such a great supporter of the Macintosh Gaming Platform™.

I'd like to thank Matt Burch for making the game engine so I could BR this great game.

I'd like to thank EVula for making the EV Survival Guide so I could learn everything I ever wanted to know about this game.

I'd like to thank ATMOS for making EV:N

I'd like to thank Johnny_Vegas for making this site.

Hi Eradicate~Me!

Thanks to Blizzard for keeping me forever entertained since 1995.

Also, if you see any inconsistecies, or problems with tense, please refrian from telling me so, or my monkeys will be forced to bite you.

And thats it... Thanks for reading,


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