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"Early game is so last paragraph."
- ZerG~LinG's The Frozen Fantastic

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Date: 05/05/02 04:05
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 9.5, # of Ratings: 2, Max: 10, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for CrackHeadJeb: 8.9556

Life is tough for us battlereporters sometimes...

There are many reasons not to not create a report; the late nights typing away at the keyboard, the frustration experienced when Photoshop is being a bitch, the need to learn flash/javascript/whatever to keep up with the rising standards. None of these reporting obstacles compare to the difficulty in actually FINDING a game to report, though. And it usually turns out that the harder the battlereporter persists in looking for one, the less likely he/she will actually find it.

4/17/02  7:30 PM CST  -  Attempt #1

For the first time in a week, I enter clan ~Nohunters to find over 20 people. And out of those people, derek.. and testosterone were engaging in protospeak. By God, I was going to get a game to report or die trying.

derek.., testosterone, and about 10 people quickly agreed to play in a FFA. Great, this was easy. Right? I told everyone to join jeby/jeby, and the game on the 128*96 Bob Obs' Chain Lightning quickly filled up.

Your connection to has been lost.

After everyone left and reconnected, this was attempted again with the same results.

I have games like this against the computer sometimes

shortsteve suggested that he try to host the game. Before I had the wits to tell shortsteve to not give out the game pass publicly, he did exactly that and created the game. Everyone quickly joined again. Miraculously, everyone stayed connected. After telling shortsteve to boot some guy to let derek.. in, the game started. I have included a minimap to give you an idea of how that game went. Yes, teal was testosterone.

phish was the name of the guy that steve booted (not just some random heckler)

4/17/02  8:15 PM CST  -  Attempt #2

Unsatisfied with the rape that I had just witnessed, I told everyone near the end of the game to join a game on Bob Obs' Divided Factions. Four of the six people from last game returned and SCV~007 and his friend filled up the two remaining spots.

This game was created without any complications which troubled me greatly. Something had to be wrong, and I noticed that Bob forgot to remove the UMS team triggers in this map. Great, I'd either have to make on melee and boot out a player or quickly rig Bob's map to have no teams.

After quickly erasing force 2 in StarEdit, I recreated with the modified map. Someone pointed out that there were only five player spots.

Retreating to StarEdit again, I found that a player start location was wiped out by a vision beacon. Wonderful, problem solved. Once again I recreated and there were 6 player slots and everybody was happy and there was world peace and etc., etc.

The game began, and ENDED in 2 seconds. Doh, forgot the map triggers said to end the game when Force 2 was destroyed. oh halpmeh!

4/17/02  8:30 PM CST  -  Attempt #3

The six players were getting bored, I didn't have time to rig up my own divided factions map without rigged teams. Browsing through my MAPOFTHEWEEK folder, the map Mirage caught my eye. I went ahead and created on that, ignoring everyone else's suggestions.

There was no way I could screw up using a map on the melee setting, so everyone joined and the game began without incident after some pregame banter.

''so i was fucking this guy right, and he rolled over and yelled 'shoot it all over me' '' - testosterone

Player Introductions:

derek.. is a solid StarCraft player. He dwelled in ~Nohunters before I arrived on the battlereporting scene and is a cool guy.

I don't know much about MenJobbigt other than that him and SCV~007 are friends. Neither one of them were diehard Starcraft players, though, as evident in this quote.

but I'm sure they own everybody at the local LAN, which is all that really matters

Non-Kane has been part of the community longer than I have and submitted a few reports of his own. He knows StarCraft strategy, but he needs a lot of work with macromanagement.

SCV~007: see Non-Kane's description. His reports can be accessed here.

Anyone who has read any of my previous reports will probably know who testosterone is. He was in six of my last seven reports, can compete with some of ~nohunters elite, and he lives across the street from me. Oh, and he's #1 in report rating average for a reason.

Gundam.X is about as new school as me, which means I don't have much to say about him.

Now this map is weird and distorted, sorta like some of the girls at Because of this I will have frequent minimap updates and mouseover pics. Sorry, I'm not going to use over three words before the word 'expansion'. This friendly little symbol (x) will indicate whether an image is a mouseover pic, though you should be putting your mouse over all of my pics anyway to read the alt-texts you inconsiderate ogre.

DARAQ friend of the Swede rosebud
Swedish male hormone lag monster
256*256 map = manner game

For a better view of the terrain, go here.

Since no one knew what the map was like, everyone eventually sent worker units to scout. This didn't necessarily help, though. For example, derek.. explored the vast sea of nothingness north of his main and testosterone quickly researched Overlord Transport to quickly expand to plateau expansions (despite having a nearby gas/mineral natural).

The first action occured at the 9:00 mark when SCV~007 sent his lone dark templar northeast "exploring". It didn't travel long before finding one of Non-Kane's undefended nexii. The dark templar began hacking away while Non-Kane frantically tried to warp in a pylon so that he could attempt to frantically warp in a cannon. It didn't really matter though, since Non-Kane was the only person without any combat units at the time and SCV~007 reinforced the dark templar with zealots, dragoons, and templar of the high variety. Shortly after, SCV~007 sent a probe there and claimed that resource node.


With the exception of SCV~007, everyone eschewed early large-scale attacks. derek.. expanded southwest on the unoccupied main, fortifying it in a manner that would make BGH enthusiasts proud. In his excitement, derek.. almost warped in enough cannons to block efficient Nexus placement. A wraith that MenJobbigt was scouting with attempted to fly through the mass of pylons and cannons. It vaporized instantly.

derek.. wasn't the only competitor to expand. Gundam.X began construction of a Command Center and a few turrets at the expansion southwest of derek..'s new expansion. testosterone claimed the island between Gundam.X's two expansions. Fortified by a medium force of ground units, SCV~007 claimed the expansion northeast of testosterone's Hatchery 5.

if someone had a maphack he would've ruled this game

Non-Kane, on the other hand, continued his trend of losing expansions. MenJobbigt's scouting SCV passed by Non-Kane's expansion in the center of the map (Nexus 3). Since it was completely undefended, MenJobbigt sent eight wraiths there to see what kind of damage they could do. The probes there quickly retreated and the wraiths destroy the nexus and assimilator. How did Non-Kane react to this? By warping a Nexus on two other expansions, one at the expansion directly east of the battle site and one directly southwest of it. Well, maybe no one will notice them.

mass wraiths indeed

Since Non-Kane was losing all of his expansions, he came up with the brilliant idea of creating units. He chose not to go pure Hand of God like derek was, supplementing carriers with corsairs and eventual arbiters.

MenJobbigt wasn't done with his 8-wraith reign of terror. Travelling westward from Non-Kane's wrecked expansion, they stumble upon Gundam.X's new Command Center protected by three turrets. They destroyed the western one and open fire on the command center. The SCVs there repair while six valkyries converged on the scene. They would certainly annihilate the wraiths. Right?

The mighty valks arrive and launch their missiles at the tightly-packed wraiths. After the first and only  volley, the wraiths were moderately damaged. For four seconds the valks hovered aimlessly while the wraiths continued to ineffectively hit the Command Center. MenJobbigt regained his wits and ordered his wraiths to open fire on the helpless valkyries. I guess all of the valks' weapon systems jammed at once. The confused Gundam.X was told about the sprite bug, I had a different take on the situation. Fortunately for him, the turrets and repairing SCVs were enough to discourage MenJobbigt from sticking around.

obey your thirst

Feeling secure after obtaining a working expansion, Non-Kane began warping in another nexus on top of the one that MenJobbigt's wraiths destroyed. Unfortunately, a scouting probe from SCV~007 began warping in pylons and cannons in between Non-Kane's two central expansions. derek.., being a bit luckier, acquired a third expansion without incident on the raised land south of his main.

MenJobbigt's wraiths took an erratic path southward to Gundam.X's main, somehow avoiding testosterone's nearby expansion. By now, though, Gundam.X had triple the wraiths' number in goliaths, so that ended MenJobbigt's, er.... reign of terror.

I don't think I need to comment on this.

For about four minutes, a pecular arrangement of expansion claims existed on the southeastern corner of the map due to a lack of knowledge about the structure of the map. Non-Kane's first expansion was in between SCV~007's latest two expansions and close to SCV~007's main. Once SCV~007 realized this, he attacked Non-Kane's first expansion from the west with the medium force of ground troops from the east with new recruits. Non-Kane did not offer any resistance, as his carriers and corsairs at his main would not be able to stop SCV~007's troops despite their proximity. After the destruction of Non-Kane's Nexus, SCV~007 warped one of his own on top of the rubble.

In contrast to Non-Kane's (attempted) expansion whoring, MenJobbigt built his first extra Command Center at the 17:30 mark on the north central island. Better late than never, I guess.

Intermission (General Update at 17:30)

derek.. had 822 minerals and 520 gas. He had 3/2/2 upgrades for the assload of carriers in his 179 supply. H-H would be proud. I think derek.. had two dark templar somewhere in there, but not much else.

MenJobbigt had 1271 minerals and 173 gas. He had 1/1 infantry upgrades and 1/0 air upgrades for his marines, medics, and wraiths in his 82 supply. I guess macro isn't his strong suit. ;/

Non-Kane had 119 minerals and 330 gas. He had 3/3/2 upgrades for his corsairs, carriers, and eventual arbiters in his 121 supply.

SCV~007 had 330 minerals and 919 gas. He was doing the best job macroing, being at 191 supply. Unfortunately, the majority of that supply consisted of mixed ground units (which may pose to be a mobility problem on this map). His ground upgrades were 2/1/0 and his air upgrades (for his handful of corsairs) were 1/1/0.

testosterone had 1266 minerals and 167 gas. He had 2/2 upgrades for his cracklings and 1/1 upgrades for his mutalisks/devourers/guardians/scourge. His supply was at 160.

Gundam.X had 1855 minerals and 492 gas. He had 1/1 vehicle and air upgrades, with mostly goliaths and tanks taking up his 154 supply.

Now back to out regularly scheduled program.

The action began to heat up. SCV~007 was creeping photon cannons closer to Non-Kane's north central expansion, but he was unsatisfied with how long the process was taking. SCV~007 dispatched a small force of zealots, dragoons, high templar, and dark templar to Non-Kane's south central expansion. It wasn't defended at all, so the force attacked the nexus there.

Frustrated that he was going to probably lose two more expansions, Non-Kane countered by sending his carriers southeast from his main to hit the expansion SCV~007 stole from him at the beginning of the game. After the carriers quashed the dragoons there, SCV~007 reacted by redirecting most of his ground forces to that area, including the forces that were pounding on Non-Kane's south central expansion. He did not stop creeping cannons in range of the north central nexus, though. These cannons will eventually destroy this nexus while carriers skirmished with SCV~007's units.

a storm on the cluster of observers would've owned so much

At this time, Gundam.X sent most of the factory units that he had northward from his main to derek..'s expansion on the observer main. After driving up the ramp, about eight tanks sieged outside of the pylons and cannons. These tanks were supplemented by triple their number of goliaths. The outer cannons began to fall.

Meanwhile, SCV~007 drove away Non-Kane's carriers with a cost-effective number of dragoons and storm. The reaction to the carriers made SCV~007 completely unprepared for what was going to happen next, though. testosterone claimed his natural southwest of his main and decided that it was an appropriate time to launch an attack. He sent about two control groups of cracklings to SCV~007's main and the rest of his forces (mutalisks, devourers, cracklings, guardians, scourge) northeast to SCV~007's westernmost expansion. The expansion fell in about three seconds. The smaller group of zerglings did not fare as well, however. testosterone didn't micro them at all and they ran single file to die to waiting zealots.

sorta like the Bills vs. Cowboys '93 Super Bowl sorta rape

On the other side of the map, derek.. was dealing with the tank/goliath threat. Goliaths in numbers are strong against carriers, but derek.. had almost an equal number of carriers! The siege quickly was eradicated, and derek.. continued on southward to where Gundam.X was trying to make an expansion.

guest commentary by the hand of god expert, h-h

testosterone continued his assault on SCV~007. He sent the zerglings, mutalisks, and devourers that just ravaged SCV~007's westernmost expansion to SCV~007's main. The guardians and scourge stayed in the area, hovering over a raised platform to harass any reinforcements. The zerg swarm rushed in SCV~007's main, quickly tearing down all of the structures. A spiteful dark templar there made sure that none of the zerglings escaped with their lives, though.

testosterone is the only person I know who has the balls to escort guardians with only scourge yeah, like that never happens in FFA's

Realizing that he didn't have units waiting outside of his main anymore, Non-Kane tried to move out with carriers and harass SCV~007's nearby expansion. MenJobbigt was being an incredible pest, however. His wraiths would quickly enter Non-Kane's main and pick off any targets of opportunity; probes, pylons, a stray arbiter. Non-Kane had to leave his carriers at his main because of this.

In the meantime, derek.. was abusing Gundam.X. The siege-breaking carriers come across a lightly-defended expansion directly north of Gundam.X's main. This is annihilated. Then they head northeast, eradicating another one of his expansions. derek.. quickly claimed them both.

MenJobbigt brought his wraith squadron to derek..'s main. They were given time to slowly take out targets of opportunity because derek.. still had unfinished business. Gundam.X sent all of the goliaths that he had northward in an attempt to retake the expansion that was just taken from him. They are abruptly stopped by derek..'s carriers.

if by 'abruptly stopped' I mean totally annihilated, yes

With Gundam.X out of the game, derek.. quickly drove away MenJobbigt's wraiths. He lost some technology buildings and his main nexus, and he would continue to lose a stray building for the remainder of the game when the wraiths would return and harass when he wasn't paying attention. While there were no more minerals there, the nexus was quickly rebuilt so that derek.. could mine from the depleted geyser.

SCV~007 warped in a nexus at the north central expansion (where his cannons destroyed Non-Kane's). He also placed a nexus at the expansion directly southwest of there after dispatching a few zealots to clean out Non-Kane's nexus there. He had to find a place to survive, as testosterone was systematically destroying everything blue in the southeastern corner of the map. The zerg swarm was too much, multi-flanking groups of zealots, dragoons, and templar. SCV~007 gave up establishing himself, and moved the remaining forces he had to the center of the map. testosterone claimed SCV~007's two expansions closest to the existing zerg bases.

SCV~007, circling the wagons in the center of the map

Unsatisfied with his one expansion, Non-Kane expanded to the far northeast at the resources by MenJobbigt's main. MenJobbigt still hadn't noticed this expansion, instead taking the island expansion at the top center of the map.

Looking for someone else to harass, MenJobbigt stumbled across SCV~007's north central expansion. Only the southern end was protected by cannons, so the wraiths parked themselves over the minerals and opened fire on the probes. MenJobbigt didn't scatter the wraiths, though, so SCV~007 annihilated them with storm.

testosterone, being the zerg equivalent of a fat capitalist pig-dog, scouted Non-Kane's main with two guardians. I guess they did their job, despite quickly getting eliminated by corsairs, carriers, and arbiters. Non-Kane also found and began warping in a nexus southeast of his expansion by MenJobbigt's main at this time.

I can imagine testosterone lighting a Cuban cigar with a lit dollar bill, drinking his martini while getting head from his bitches

MenJobbigt threw a second wave of wraiths at SCV~007's north central expansion. He learned his lesson, spreading out the wraiths and taking only minor damage from storm this time. They also cloaked, destroying the north central nexus since SCV~007 had no observers.

Two things occured at this time. derek.. steered his carrier fleet into MenJobbigt's north central island expansion and began leveling it. The more interesting conflict occured in Non-Kane's main. Around two control groups of devourers and mutalisks arrived there and began fighting the smaller group of carriers. Non-Kane had a secret weapon, however.

that must've stung, how about a nice Mike's Hard Lemonade? (I watch too much television)

After the devourers were stasised by two arbiters, the corsairs and carriers easily handled the mutalisks.

derek.. pulled back from MenJobbigt's north central island and hooked around to SCV~007's south central expansion. Despite a valiant effort by SCV~007 to storm as many carriers as possible, derek.. pushed through with minor losses and forced SCV~007 to observer status. They continued northward, finishing off MenJobbigt's north central island expansion, and eventually continuing northeast to his main.

Meanwhile, Non-Kane dealt with the stasised devourers in his main. When stasis wore off, half of the devourers were restasised. The carriers and corsairs still had relatively no losses. testosterone kept sending up large groups of devourers and mutalisks to help with the attack, but he underestimated the raw power of of stasis. Eventually, he gave up the attack and focused on morphing another large group of devourers and mutalisks. Also, MenJobbigt was harassing his overlords and drones with (what else?) wraiths. testosterone had no problem in taking care of those and jumping to around 200 supply again quickly. He also took an expansion north of SCV~007's main that SCV~007 and Non-Kane had owned.

MenJobbigt, making his presence known with his mighty wraiths

derek..'s carriers arrived at MenJobbigt's main at this time. MenJobbigt was ill-equipped to handle an attack of this magnitude, as he was near rock-bottom at collecting resources in this game. After sufficiently crippling him, derek.. moved southward to Non-Kane's main.

Non-Kane tried to quickly strike back at testosterone. His carriers weaved in between zerg bases, eventually approaching testosterone's main from the east. The counterattack was stalled, though, when derek..'s carriers arrived at Non-Kane's main and began razing Non-Kane's structures. To add insult to injury, testosterone sent one zergling to Non-Kane's northeastern expansion by MenJobbigt's main and destroyed most of the probes there and took the nexus down to 20% hit points with it before more zerglings were dispatched to do the job more quickly.

I don't know, why you?

Non-Kane began begging for his life. After a tense period, derek.. pulled out, and travelled westward, laying waste on testosterone's nearby expansion!

the plot thins

Yes, an unholy alliance indeed! testosterone tried his best to fight off the double, but he was often caught defending a front with only a part of his army. MenJobbigt's wasn't much of a distraction, dropping a few goliaths at derek..'s main which prompted a sarcastic response. Lacking units and resources, MenJobbigt bowed out. testosterone did slightly more damage with his zerglings at active mining sites, forcing derek.. to pull a few carriers back to deal with the problem. Despite his best efforts, testosterone's expansions fell one by one. The only one that wasn't eradicated was the one directly south of Non-Kane's main!

''2 finger d/temp escort macro out contain over expanding becomes 4 finger hand over zerg'' - more rubbish by h-h

Non-Kane huddled up his carriers in his main, waiting for the eventual onslaught of carriers from derek... To his horror, he noticed that testosterone was in dangerous proximity to him. derek.. was rapidly approaching, however.

During a speech competition in Chicago two years ago
my high school speech coach: make a left here?
me with map: right.
coach: right?
me: no
coach: but you just said right?
me: well, yes, but I meant go left.
coach: what?

The carriers came, nearly triple the number that Non-Kane had. Things looked grim, but Non-Kane reused his trump card.

Pavlovian conditioning is lost on these guys.

Stasis proved to be the ultimate equilizer. The free carriers of derek..'s were destroyed, and half of the stasised carriers were re-stasised upon gaining their freedom.

I'd hope that the Hand of God is stimulating.

Despite periods of Non-Kane not manually targetting the opposing carriers, he managed to destroy them! The surviving carriers immediately travel west to counter. They stumble upon testosterone's expansion attempt in the south central area. Then, revenge.

testosterone sustained an expansion south of Non-Kane's main for too long. The forgotten zerg cerebrate unleashed cracklings north into the main and farther north to hit Non-Kane's expansions. Seeing as he was going to lose all of his structures, Non-Kane pleaded for alliance and allied as a sign of good faith.

with Kane's multiple personality approach to diplomacy, how could you say no?

testosterone had two choices: to ally with the carrier/arbiter user and have a slim chance of ousting derek.. from the game and have enough left to overrun Non-Kane, or to eliminate Non-Kane and have no chance of survival. The choice was clear, testosterone made the only rational choice available.

for the greater good

testosterone tried his best to fight against derek.., but was unable to hold the unoccupied remaining resources. I tried whispering him where derek..'s undefended mining sites were, but that only provided moral victories as derek.. already had a huge store of cash.

gg's were exchanged, and derek.. was victorious!

Game Stats

Time: 48:58


The replay can be downloaded here.

Random Garbage
I was a bit hesitant to do this project. I was told I did a poor job explaning what was going on in the Abattoir free for all. If I couldn't explain what was going on in a 64*64 map, how could I expect myself to explain what was going on in a 256*256 map? I hope that I learned enough from the mistakes I made to illustrate what was going on. Suggestions for how to better my reporting skills are always welcome.

And I am done.

yeah, he's high

This has been a CrackHeadJeb production.

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