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"This report is crap, followed by more crap."

Hardcore 4FFA
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Date: 04/27/02 10:04
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 8.7, # of Ratings: 3, Max: 9, Min: 8
Lifetime Rating for |]agomar: 8.6667

You really can't go wrong with quoting SiG

Hello there.

I have no freaking clue what to put for this introduction section. So I guess you'll have to content yourself with a small quote.

deep minds think deep thoughts

Now, on to the report!

Pregame of Glory and Strife

This game took place a little while ago. I remember well how it started. There was a certain wind in the air, a gentle breeze wafting through my window, that seemed to foreshadow a great match. I remember the goosebumps crawling up my skin as CaughtNaked entered the game in all his majesty, followed by his whores Mep and Fungee. I put a hand through my hair as I clicked to start the game, and a single, distant thunderclap rolled to my ears as the countdown neared zero.

And then ( drumroll ) . . . IT BEGAN!
Showing the map is like showing your pole to the herpes specialist. It's not fun, but you gotta do it.
Okay well, despite the fact that the above was a complete and utter fabrication ( if I had opened the window while I played this game my bird would freeze over almost instantly ), erm, I really don't know how to complete that sentence. The map was funeral pyre ( finally got this pregame bit started I guess ), a small yet relatively expansion-rich battlefield. CN landed his hulking Command Center at the 8:00 mineral node with a greedy cackle, while Fungus boy phased in a gleaming new Nexus at 2:00. Meanwhile, Mep directed his mentally retarded drones to establish a hive cluster at 12:00, as I descended another bulbous Command Center to 10:00.

Wow, after a pregame of such astounding stupidity, you can see why some people make games with titles like these:


Early Game of Tension and Extreme Scariness

As the game started and I half-successfully cloned my SCVs, I remember saying to myself, "Dagomar, young man, you've never been a man of extreme subtlety. Now build big shit to kill little shit with big guns." What's the biggest land army guy for the Terrans? That's right - the tank. Tanks also seem to have really extremely large tubes coming out of their "heads," and those tubes seem to shoot stuff rather well. So it's decided. I'm going metal ( look at me I'm smart I can use another word to mean I'm going tanks! ). Oh, and I build a pretty funky wallin at my choke too.

Meanwhile, Fungee executes the one and only strat he's rumoured to have mastered. The cannon wallin. Although he botches the attempt slightly, Mother Teresa might give him a C+ for effort. Oh man, C for Cannon, get that pun? I suuuuuuuuuuuure am on a roll today.

CN lays the smack down by successfully walling in his command center, so as to form a little dough-nut shaped base-like-thing. In a move resembling the extreme gosuness of Boxer, he goes goliaths, then winds up having them stuck behind the walls of his base. Um . . . isn't the purpose of a wallin to keep enemy units out of your base . . . rather than keeping yours inside? Guess not.

Mep is the exception to the rule. A true veteran - grizzled, weathered, and battered by one too many plasma bolts to retain his fertility, Mep is the ultimate God of Nohunters. With a confident chuckle and a knowing nod to his Head Zerg Dude In Charge of Delivering Liquor to the Cerebrate Guy, he opts for the vaunted sunken push, knowing that if he spaces his sunkens exactly wrong, he could probably get annihilated in the early going by about 5 zealots.

there are certain things in life a man should never have to see

My strategy is to secure the central island with tanks, thereby prohibiting anything from leaving CN 's base, and any ground troops from hitting me at all. To that end I rapidly construct an expansion there, and unload a couple badass tank pilots to the area. The bold, noble men take one glance at the grim, blackened base before activating their hand-held porno receivers and staying quiet for a while.
a game where players start off this badly is one of those
When CN realizes the impending threat and sends gollies to take out the highground tanks it takes a lot of yelling to awaken the, um "lazy" pilot guys. When they do actually siege, however, CN 's foolish attack fails in about two seconds. I proceed to smack down a depot or two on the outskirts of the purple main, and build turrets over my island tanks. At the same time, I expand to the top left island, while Mep starts building mutas to augment his zerglings, and Fungus gets robotics bays like a 13 year old gets pimples . . . either for the sake of terrifying all into submission with observer fleets, or reaver dropping. Knowing Fungus , it's a close call.

This is when CN busts out with about ten or so goliaths, intent on causing Extreme Damage and Unpleasant Things ( EDUT ) upon Mep . However, in what must have been a bit of a bummer, the big mechs wander jovially into a hornet's nest of zerglings and mutas, and get pretty much slaughtered. Unfortunately for me, however, the filthy whore that is CN retreats his surviving goliaths with the entire zerg army following . . . and decides to run them all straight into my wallin.

My tanks annihilate any ground troops in exactly 2 seconds ( well, it might have been 1 ) . . . however . . . there's the mutalisks to take care of. With an anti-air army consisting of exactly 1 marine and a couple turrets, I don't last very long. A couple tanks die with a flare of plasma before I can retreat four to relative safety! And clone about 6 SCVs to turret up my inner base. See how it all happens? Wheels within wheels within wheels ( dum dum dum ).

The mutalisks surge forward, however, just as about 8 or so dark templar with Athlete's Foot ( courtesy of Fungus ) come striding into my base. With my defenses pretty much gone, I do my best to stay alive. SCVs repairing multiple turrets chases away the mutalisks, while some limited tank micro slaughters the DTs. I survive, but just barely.
triple teaming is like swimming in speedos. Real men don't do it.

Mep's so demanding, I can never give him everything he wants. He just has to reach in and take.
Mep decides to take our relationship to the next level, however, by absolutely slaughtering my island expansion. With no money to spare on defense of my expansions, it goes down fairly quickly. Not even the command center is saved, and now it certainly seems like I'm about as dead as a small squirrel under the tread of an Israeli tank. Meaning no disrespect to squirrels, of course.

Midgame of Lameness and Dead Dudes
Mep gets off on annoying people. It's a LOBP thing.
Mep , however, decides to take homosexuality to a whole new, ungodly level. Gathering his growing mutalisk flock of honor, he sends the lot down South, and thoroughly rapes CN 's budding expansion at the bottom left island. No doubt cackling to himself in what Anathem would call "haughty vainglory," Mep orders his mutas North once again, skirting the Southern edge of Fungee 's ugly-ass base. The flappers dart in, trying to kill some probes but foiled by a few cannons and a corsair. All they can do is kill an assimilator, but that's enough for Mep and he flies away contented.

It's worth noting that, as usual, Mep is doing exactly what you shouldn't do in a FFA - irritating the hell out of everybody. Fungus , on the other hand, has been festering quietly, building up a rather large and scary-looking force. In a highly uncharacteristic and rather startling move, he decides to actually use his troops! Loading two reavers and four dragoons into hovering shuttles, he sets out to shatter Mep 's bustling drone line.

The pursuing mutas are a great touch, Mep
Since Mep 's mutas are still out playing tag around the central islands, there's not a whole lot to defend the towering and heroic main base of grandeur. Mep wails an echoing scream of dismay as the Protoss force unloads in all its non-heterosexuality, absolutely ravaging his entire mining operation before his mutalisk/zergling hommies can end the threat.

But lo! A single shuttle survives the ambush. With a couple mutalisks hot on its trail, ol' Athlete's Foot decides to unload it in the exact center of my base. There are an entirely ungodly number of tanks and turrets holding sentinel at that exact location, and a couple valkyries as well. Neither the mutalisks, the dual reavers or the shuttle last 2 seconds.

When I have about a half dozen valks, I notice something rather jolly. Mep has taken the liberty of strategically gathering his ovies at the Western extremity of his main, perhaps for some sort of mating ritual. Before such obscenities can commence, however, I send my missile frigate thingies over to kill a lot of stuff. I knock off about 2 or 3 overlords become Mep can wisely summon his seven mutalisks into the fray. In what must have been a shocker to Mep , the valkyries slaughter the roughly equal number of mutalisks in record time, and proceed to send all but two of his overlords to that big orgy in the sky.

I think Mep sent those mutas in just because he likes red and white. Go Canada!

Nothing like a corny phrase on a pic that symbolizes stupidity
Now, many of you reading this report will no doubt know who CN is. You'll know he is a man of action, a man of power, a man whose single spoken word can launch millions to their bloody death. A man, in other words, whose IQ is on par with that of a small Albertan woodpecker, which he proves by hurling an entire regiment of goliaths at my cliff tanks. The goliaths occasionally knock a hitpoint or two off the lead tank, while the monstrous machines simply rain devastation upon the hapless purple minions. Not a lot survive, and I don't lose a single unit.

Back to Mep . The bold cerebrate has been doing exactly nothing in the way of expanding, and has resorting to nestling in his little blackened base, amassing zerglings. Suddenly, a bold thought springs to his virgin mind. What if he drops a drone at the top right island? The one whose Dagomarian expansion he just ravaged? Mep rubs his hands in delight, cackling like a drunken granny. Ooh, the possibilities.

To this end, he deposits a muttering peon at the base, and orders a hatchery. Unfortunately, I've been rather anxious to get another expo myself, and unload a tank at the tiny patch of lower ground to the extreme left of the base ( the tank just barely fit ). Since I expected an already sprawling infestation, I decided not to do a full-out drop. The dropper inches forward . . . only to reveal a single morphing hatchery, which is quickly pummeled by the tank. It takes a few more dropper flights before the area is defended to the teeth, and a new CC is floated over.

I decide to take things a step further, however, and the entire valkyrie fleet to the building island base. Doing a quick scan of Mep 's hive cluster I see a mass of overlords to the left of his peon line. Smiling, I hurl the frigates at his base, and promptly slaughter every flying thing in sight. I think one overlord survived.

Mep counters, but sends his swarming zerglings to Fungee , instead of me. Either he thought valkyries were some sort of corsair upgrade, or he really didn't like Mushroom Boy to the East. In any case, the entire bulk of the Zerg army succeeds in annihilating 6 cannons and a reaver. Yeah - good work.

Mep is proving that Ground may just be the best member of his clan

Unfortunately for Mep , he's again raised the anger of the ever-gay Fungus , who happens to be in a helluva good position to exact revenge. Four shuttles stumble into the fray at the mined-out Zerg main, tossing huge, slug-like robots onto the sticky creep. A couple dragoons, two dts and a snazzy looking ‘sair fleet join in the attack, while the cerebrate attempts to micro two hydras and a few drones to victory.

Unfortunately for Fungus , I take this opportunity to go on a wild comsat spree of the map - which naturally results in me spotting his corsair fleet bobbing above the KILLER REAVERS OF DOOM. I sit back, cackling like a drunken granny, before deciding to hurl by valkyrie fleet into the fray. I also double EMP where I thought the sairs were, though they quickly shifted position before my Science Vessels arrive ( suspicious? I think so . . . ). In any case, Fungee shrieks with rage as I quickly prove that 12 valks still slaughter 8 sairs, with or without shields. Since the sexy frigates can't do all that much in the way of bombing reavers, I pull out seconds later.

They sure don't make sairs like they used to

Mep , meanwhile, allows a sly smile to mark his warped face. A single overlord ferries a drone to the deep South, and a bold new alliance between himself and the devious CaughtNaked is born. CN cancels an island command center to allow the cerebrate to take root there, and indeed a hatchery is soon morphed at bottom right. Of course, a second overlord loaded with 8 drones is absolutely slaughtered by my valks, with terrifying cries of "HAX" filling the air.

I'm tired of this stupid mid-game section. Let's END it and start something NEW - the End Game section!$! Omfg I am absolutely . . . hilarious. Yeah. That's it.

End Game of Honor and Valor

CN , meanwhile, has been building up for some time, and in a truly shocking move decides to use the stuff he's made. With his pileups reaching astronomical levels, he tosses about two groups of golliaths and four or five battlecruisers at my central island expo. Of course, my supply is still only about half of his, but I'm going to have to make do with what I have. Cliff tanks rain destruction down upon the milling goliaths, while my valks play a dangerous game of strike and retreat with the cruisers. Turrets go down in a blaze of glory, while tanks are quickly yamatoed. Finally I matrix a few frigates and brave the golliath missiles, annihilating every cruiser at last and crushing the couple mechs that still remain with my surviving tanks. The battle is outrageously cost effective for me, and an astonishing blunder for CN .

And all the while, Mep rebuilds . . . (ominous music)

The purple commander, however, decides I'm not out of the woods yet. I cringe in horror as no fewer than SIX vultures and ( gasp ) TWO golliaths come tearing through the ashen landscape at my main, craving my blood. They run into my wallin, and dart back to retreat. Unfortunately, a single cliff tank rapes them all.

It looks kinda like that vulture is blowing smoke rings through the explosion

That sets up the mightiest clash of the br. I'm feeling more confident at this point, since scanning has revealed CN to have no more mining bases ( I have one in full swing and another nearly mined out ). I start to build up battlecruisers, but erect a silo too for a possible nuclear strike. Sadly for me, though, CaughtNaked resolves to attack at exactly the wrong moment, when my cruisers are only about half done.

A full-fledged capitol ship armada thunders North towards my main, escorting five steaming dropships through the dark, turbulent clouds. The battlecruisers slide past my island expansion, trying their hardest to not be seen . . . but I was looking there at the moment, and immediately spot a purple wing slipping by, partially cloaked in the fog of war. Fearing the worst, I rally my frigates and send them in over the smouldering lava. Eight cruisers versus twelve valks . . . it's not looking good.

As soon as I see the odds, I cringe and immediately defensive matrix nearly every single valk. The cruisers are clustered together, and rapidly begin to take massive damage from the upgraded halo missiles. Meanwhile, the purple droppers unload their sprawling warriors near my former mineral line . . . only to be barraged from all sides by heavy tank fire. I had left a powerful core of tanks in my main from when I was triple teamed earlier, and they come into their own now. The ground erupts around the purple units . . . and not a single one survives.

Back to the air battle. Battlecruisers explode in pairs as my fleet buckles under their laser bombardment. Defensive matrix finally wears off on some frigates, but it's a little too late to save the cruiser fleet now. The entire purple armada suddenly gives way, exploding almost at the same time, and I laugh in disbelief as I send the surviving squadron North to slaughter the last purple droppers. My losses: 4 frigates and a depot. CN 's losses: 8 cruisers, 5 droppers worth of assorted Terran units.

10 bases visible on the minimap. That's God's way of telling you to rate this a 10

Moments later, Athlete's Foot comes stumbling by as well. Still simmering from my butchery of his sair fleet he unloads the entire Mep -killing army down upon my Northernmost island base. Extremely irritated that I can't counter CN 's assault, and furious that my only real source of revenue is being threatened, I send two glittering new cruisers up to deal with the attack. Although I EMP his militia and matrix a cruiser, I still lose one capitol ship subduing the spidery goons. Fungus rapidly loads what he has left into the waiting shuttles, and tries to make a clean getaway . . . only to run into my valks, which absolutely slaughter his entire army.

More proof that there's really little to fear from mushrooms

And then there's another drop, this time at my central expansion, somehow perfectly timed to match a frontal invasion of my main by Fungee 's remaining zealot militia. A couple valks distract my turrets while the droppers perform their evil deed, unloading their golliaths into a thunderous eruption of acrilite fire. One 42-kill tank dies ( sniff ) but the rest survive and vanquish those evil mechs. The zealots, likewise, are mangled so horrifically that it doesn't even deserve a pic. The only reason I'm even mentioning it is because it frustrates the embattled praetor to such an extent that he resolves to leave the whole game.

those turrets sure were annoying to repair ;(. I need insurance

It was pretty much over at this point. CN desperately tries to start an expansion at the top right corner of the map, but he doesn't have any income at all right now - which is when it really counts. I unload dual tanks at his main to support my incoming valk/cruiser fleet, and proceed to lay the smack down on his base. Mep arrives in all his newfound glory . . . but his crippling flotilla of four scourge and a few mutas succeed only in slightly denting a single cruiser. The purple structures crumble to my bombardment, and CN finally hops into a waiting dropper, swearing revenge as he sails out into space. Although he leaves Mep behind, the clever cerebrate allies in record time, bringing the war to an end at last!

omfg I'm done at last. Now I can start my homework! Yay!

Post Game of Stupidity and Lameness

Alright, that's about it. Here's some scores . . . I killed an absolutely absurd amount of units, lol. Thanks for bloating my score in that regard Naked ;).

Mep's score has 4 sixes in a row, the little devil worshiper

I think that's the last FFA I'll actually write up for a long, long time. They are FAR too long for me :(. Also, I'm beginning to get annoyed with FFAs . . . they are not helping my ladder score at all ( being triple rushed a couple times gets to you after a while ).

Also, it must be stated with some grief that Fungee has expunged me from his hallowed friends list. Why? Because I made him add me to his MSN list under the e-mail address "" After a night of reflection, he decided he just couldn't take that sort of abuse, and banished me from the aforementioned list. My eternal and most sincere apologies, oh mushroom of everlasting glory.

Anyway, bye bye.

Coming as soon as possible . . . .
-the NoN Clan Chronicles
-BM Obs Epic
-Big Freakin FFA br, text by Dragonsven.

Oh and thanks to the players for playing a pretty good game, any jokes are just that . . . jokes, nothing more :P.

stupid end pic oans you

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