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WARNING: Not a Warcraft 3 Report
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Date: 03/30/02 05:03
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 9.7, # of Ratings: 3, Max: 10, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for CrackHeadJeb: 8.9556

No fucking orcs here.

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve immortality by not dying." - Woody Allen

This battlereport is not sponsored by

Well, it has been awhile. Months had passed since I had released my last Starcraft battlereport and the majority of ~nohunters dwellers migrated to the pirated Warcraft 3 Beta. I would enthusiastically follow suit, but there's something disturbing about seeing Rob Pardo ignoring game mechanic criticism from Pillars, Maynard, et al.

So I'm back to playing (and occasionally reporting) Starcraft until more people are happy with the development of Warcraft 3. The following report recounts the tale of an instant classic FFA on Winter Conquest and a one-on-one battle on Sandbound.

'Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?' - George Carlin

One night I entered ~nohunters and found eight other people in the channel. I was excited for a second, but that feeling quickly turned into disgust as I found that everyone was afk. So I went afk a few minutes myself. When I came back, I found that Mr.Squad was frantically whispering me to join a game. Not having anything better to do, I joined it and quickly hopped in an observer slot. The map was Sandbound. The competitors were TheReflex and HurtnTime, neither need an introduction.

Here is a map for those who aren't familiar with the Sandbound layout:

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Five minute build orders:

TheReflex chose to go with a build that would enable him to obtain an early expansion, fortify the land-based part of the map, and protect him from any land or ground-based assault that his opponent could throw at him. He goes 9 Depot, 10 Refinery, 12 Barracks, 16 Factory on northern part of "island", 17 Depot, 18 Factory, 22 Armory, 23 Depot, lifted off and landed first Factory at expansion to the north on 24, 25 Starport, 28 Depot.

HurtnTime aims to accomplish many of the same goals, except he also desires to focus on scouting since TheReflex went random. His build does this, but is less polished. HurtnTime built a Depot on 9, Barracks on 11 on the eastern part of the "island", Refinery on 12, Depot on 16, Factory on 17, Command Center on 19, Starport and Engineering Bay on 21, Depot and Armory on 25. At supply 20, his Barracks floated over TheReflex's main and he added a Machine Shop onto his Factory.

Early Game:

TheReflex assembled a vulture from his factory at the expansion north of 3 o' clock and patrolled it around to prevent HurtnTime from establishing himself off an "island". Confident that his game plan will work, TheReflex started the construction of a Command Center in his main which he planned to float to the expansion north of him.

HurtnTime already had his extra Command Center built, so he lifted it off and began to move it to the landbound expansion southwest of 12 'o clock. To his chagrin, it hovered directly over TheReflex's patrolling vulture. Not wanting to press the issue, he began moving his command center to the 9 'o clock main. His control tower completed, so he started building a dropship in order for him to try to fortify that area before TheReflex could interfere.

In response to HurtnTime's reluctance to expand on a land expansion, TheReflex attached a Control Tower on his Starport. TheReflex started an Engineering Bay as well to help him prevent HurtnTime from establishing a foothold off of an island main.

HurtnTime had a few tanks and was researching siege mode. TheReflex did not even have a Machine Shop, but his Factory units were doing what he needed them to do at the time: scour the damn map. Both competitors make sure they didn't overlook their mains and build a few turrets around their mineral lines.

Why do they call it life insurance?

HurtnTime's first use of a newly-built dropship was to transfer 8 SCVs to 9 o' clock. A goliath spots the dropship overhead and launches a few missiles at it before the dropship escapes. TheReflex quickly loaded his new dropship with 2 goliaths and 2 SCVs and sent it over to 9 'o clock. HurtnTime's first Barracks that he used to scout his opponent with was floating in the middle of the map and spotted TheReflex's dropship, but this was not enough advance warning for HurtnTime. The goliaths arrived before the Command Center touched down and quickly kill all but one of the SCVs HurtnTime moved to 9 'o clock and forced HurtnTime to cancel the two Factories he started there.

HurtnTime quickly tried to float his Command Center away. TheReflex's SCV there builds a turret and the two goliaths chase after the hovering building. HurtnTime hastily puts 2 tanks and 2 goliaths in 2 dropships and sent them back to the scene of the battle. They eradicated TheReflex's troops with the aid of siege and sent the retreating Command Center that was at 1/2 hit points back to 9 'o clock.

Mid Game:

TheReflex took advantage of the distraction that he caused. He flew his completed Command center to the expansion north of 3 'o clock and destroyed HurtnTime's Barracks in the center of the map. He also placed more goliaths directly outside of HurtnTime's main in an attempt to pick off any dropships that flew by. Finally, TheReflex added a Machine Shop in his main Factory so that he could research siege and hold his ownership of the land off of the island mains.

Both competitors fortify their expansions. TheReflex uneventfully Maynarded two dropships full of SCVs to his expansion while HurtnTime flew a wraith counterclockwise across the map to spot possible enemy expansions.

HurtnTime began to feel the effects of TheReflex's ownership of the land off of the island mains. HurtnTime almost lost a dropship filled with 8 SCVs headed toward 9 'o clock after flying directly over 2 goliaths.

HurtnTime and TheReflex built Academies for better scouting. HurtnTime started building another Command Center in his main. Where did he intend to put that?

HurtnTime had two wraiths patrolling expansions and they had cloaking capability. They slowly pick off the two goliaths at the expansion directly southwest of the 12 'o clock main. Before the second one succumbed to the mighty wraith lasers, it spotted HurtnTime's new Command Center floating there. The wraiths move across the map to the right and spot TheReflex's expansion, but are driven away by turrets.

TheReflex reacted to the moving Command Center and sent two dropships (4 goliaths, 1 tank, 2 SCVs) to quash that expansion attempt. The one tank of HurtnTime's that was there quickly fell. The mighty wraiths came back to assist but a scan by TheReflex enabled his goliaths to quickly rape them. These goliaths had the range upgrade too, but aren't able to destroy the Command Center retreating to 12 'o clock. They did put it in the red, though, forcing HurtnTime to repair it.

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

(on a lecturer's door): The probability of finding me in this office is inversely proportional to the magnitude of your urgency.

TheReflex's trailing SCVs built missile turrets, and he almost had enough of them to spot ANY unit moving out of the 12 'o clock region. Divide and Conquer strategy at its best.

Taking advantage of his situation, TheReflex expanded again to the right mineral-only expansion in the center of the map and turreted it up. He had a Science Facility by now, and he began construction of the Covert Ops add-on. Feeling invincible, he drops 9 'o clock again with 2 tanks, 3 goliaths, and 2 SCVs. HurtnTime built most of his new factories there, though, and his tanks in siege mode shred the attack, with HurtnTime losing a tank, a factory, and a few SCVs.

Not being discouraged by this failed attack, TheReflex began construction of ANOTHER expansion, this one directly south of his 3 'o clock main. Turreted, of course. HurtnTime was building another Command Center in 9 'o clock, since his Command center at 12 'o clock wasn't going anywhere in particular.

HurtnTime didn't enjoy being the submissive type, so at 9 'o clock he loaded up four dropships with six tanks and sent them to TheReflex's mineral-only expansion in the center. They drop on the low ground directly south of TheReflex's Command Center with little resistance from a turret and quickly siege up. Well, as fast as they siege up TheReflex quickly dropped 8 goliaths on the tanks. The tanks quickly unsiege, but they quickly are annihilated by the goliaths with 1/1 upgrades and 1 of HurtnTime's dropships do not make the trip back to 9 'o clock.

'Define the Universe and give three examples.' - Anonymous

HurtnTime quickly reloaded the three remaining dropships with two tanks and four goliaths and move back to the center, dropping on the high ground to the left of the Command Center. TheReflex threw three dropships containing goliaths at HurtnTime's attacking force and manage to drop six goliaths on the group. These goliaths successfully stop the second group, but TheReflex did lose two dropships. Also, a breach opened up in TheReflex's front turret line.

A lecture is a process where information is passed from the notebook of the lecturer to the notebook of the student without necessarily passing through the minds of either.

HurtnTime's extra Command Center at 9 'o clock completed and he floated it to the expansion on the southwestern corner of the map. A vulture spotted this and parked itself directly where the Command Center was going to land. Two goliaths and one tank are hastily transported there to eliminate it. Three goliaths that TheReflex sent there were murdered by the tank's splash damage. HurtnTime quickly sent another goliath, tank, and SCV there and turreted the area up.

TheReflex started construction of a Nuclear Silo at his expansion south of 3 and send about 7 goliaths and a few SCVs to where HurtnTime wanted to expand. He pulled them back either because they were taking the low ground path there or because HurtnTime moved two dropships from 12 'o clock and dropped 4 tanks in the breach in TheReflex's turret line. While this was a small force, it came in an unexpected manner and TheReflex was worrying about other things. SCVs were pulled off of the right central expansion and more turrets were killed. Eventually, TheReflex sacrificed marines in able to lockdown three of the four tanks.

'The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.' - George Carlin

TheReflex sent a force of about seven goliaths and a ghost to uproot HurtnTime from his new expansion below 9 'o clock before he got too entrenched. The ghost lockdowned HurtnTime's first tank, but the second tank and defending goliaths eradicated the whole attacking force. Despite being on low ground, the siege tank was destructive because it was downright impossible to organize the attacking force in a way that could kill the tank in the mineral line. HurtnTime finally gained a foothold off of an island main.

I used to like political jokes until so many of them got elected!

TheReflex turned his attention to other things, like the tanks he lockdowned near his right central expansion awhile ago. Those tanks were operational now, but TheReflex simply threw more forces at them.

During this whole game, TheReflex had been jabbing HurtnTime, and it was now time for the knockout blow. TheReflex sent 5 tanks, 2 SCVs, and 3 ghosts to HurtnTime's expansion on the southwestern corner of the map. TheReflex had his uppercut ready, his completed nuke.

HurtnTime moved two more tanks there, though. The destructive power of four tanks overwhelmed the approaching forces. TheReflex frantically tried to pull back and drop the nuke, but defending goliaths pick off the remainder of TheReflex's force, including the ghost aiming the nuke.

HurtnTime had new life! He was building another Command Center at the battle site and was threatening to obtain more active mining sites than TheReflex.

TheReflex sieged a few low ground tanks with ghost backup east of the 9 'o clock main island and they go to work on nearby Supply Depots. HurtnTime quickly dropped goliaths on that to prevent any more destruciton from a low-ground push. TheReflex could only lockdown one of the approaching four dropships before this happened.

HurtnTime completeted his extra Command Center at the southwest expansion and floated it to the 6 'o clock main. Five goliaths and one tank were transported there to fortify the area. The momentum that TheReflex had all game suddenly shifted to HurtnTime.

TheReflex was having problems hitting active mining sites, so he focused his attention on structures. He moved 4 tanks and 3 ghosts to the low ground below 12 'o clock, HurtnTime's original main. They destroyed the minor resistance on the high ground and TheReflex elevated the ghosts to the island.

During this conflict, TheReflex turreted the left central mineral-only expansion and put a tank, wraith, and SCVs there. HurtnTime discovered this and put a few turrets on the high ground overlooking this expansion.

TheReflex's ghost at 12 'o clock dropped an uncontested nuke that destroyed two Starports, 4 Supply Depots, and a depleted Refinery.

'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.' - Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

HurtnTime shrugged this off. He rebuilt the lost Depots at 6 'o clock, giving up any hope of saving his old main and focusing on hitting TheReflex again. HurtnTime dropped four tanks on high ground overlooking the right central expansion. A few cloaked wraiths try to hit and run the forces to stop the destruction. They did the job slowly, but HurtnTime just brought two more tanks and four more goliaths. The Command Center, Nuclear Silo, and SCVs are eradicated.

To compensate for this loss, TheReflex started to build a Command Center at the left central expansion. He also used a larger force of cloaked wraiths to take clear out most of the invading force at the right central expansion.

TheReflex aimed another nuke at various structures at 12 'o clock. During the nuking, HurtnTime tried to uproot TheReflex's low-ground tanks there with a group of five cloacked wraiths. TheReflex assisted the tanks with a group of seven cloaked wraiths, though, and they had first strike since TheReflex comsatted the area before they arrived.

The second successful nuke dropped at 12 and TheReflex finished off the remaining buildings with ghosts and wraiths.

TheReflex discovered HurtnTime's turrets on high ground overlooking the left central expansion, and sent tanks and ghosts to destroy them. HurtnTime quickly reacted to that by sending three full dropships at that force. Unfortunately, they run into a half-dozen cloaked wraiths. Only one of the dropships escaped to 6 'o clock. Cloaked wraiths from both competitors dance around the area for awhile, but TheReflex eventually secures the area.

For the first time since the beginning of the game, there were a few uneventful minutes. TheReflex and HurtnTime carefully comtemplate what cost-effective moves to make. Finally, TheReflex chooses to expand to the expansion directly southwest of the 12 'o clock main.

TheReflex decides to break the silence by evicting HurtnTime from the southwestern corner of the map. Tanks and ghosts assisted by wraiths slam into this mined-out expansion and HurtnTime let this fall after he lost a few wraiths, valkyries, tanks, and goliaths.

'On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.' - Will Rogers

Both competitors were hurting for vespene. TheReflex was in better shape, though. While both were actively mining from one nonempty geyser, TheReflex was also actively mining from his three depleted geysers. This made a huge difference.

HurtnTime used his valkyries as turret targets and dropped nine tanks and three goliaths at TheReflex's left central expansion. These units were left in a terribly compromising position, though, as TheReflex's high ground tanks and ghosts absolutely raped this attack.

'I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle'

Wasting no time, HurtnTime quickly dropped two tanks on TheReflex's expansion southwest of 12. By now, turrets have destroyed all of HurtnTime's dropships. He built another one and sent another goliath and tank there. This was all for naught, however, TheReflex eventually sent two ghosts, tanks, and goliaths to ward off the attack.

HurtnTime was in desperation mode, now. He had around 9,000 minerals and no vespene. TheReflex was actively mining more because of his depleted geysers.

TheReflex went on the offensive. He dropped 6 tanks and 2 ghosts on 6 'o clock which were aided by 6 wraiths. HurtnTime daringly dropped goliaths directly on the tanks before the wraiths could react to them, and vaporize the attack.

HurtnTime tried one last time to cause some damage. He dropped the left central expansion again with four tanks, two goliaths, and plenty of SCVs. These cause some damage.. because TheReflex dropped 6 'o clock again at that time with ten tanks. After TheReflex mowed down the structures at 6 'o clock, he transported the tanks back to evicerate HurtnTime's last offensive.

With all the minerals in the world and no vespene, HurtnTime conceded this well-fought game.

The replay to this game can be downloaded here.

Game Stats

Time: 43:09


TheReflex: 244193
HurtnTime: 194399
Units Total Produced Killed Lost
TheReflex: 149850 330 245 210
HurtnTime: 113150 259 204 249
Structures Total Const Razed Lost
TheReflex: 30985 102 69 17
HurtnTime: 15930 108 17 65
Resources Total Gas Mins Spent
HurtnTime: 65319 17324 47995 57317
TheReflex: 63358 20336 43022 60406

That battle on Sandbound was for the FFA haters. You guys can stop reading now. For the rest of you, here is a report on one of the most entertaining FFAs that I've ever had the pleasure to witness.

Masterrace stated clearly that there were to be no more gay FFAs.  Sorry, no anal insertions or cock gobbling here.

I'm always willing to lend fellow battlereporters a hand. I told Erad to host a FFA on Winter Conquest so that another person in ~nohunters could have a game to observe and report. Well, to make a short story even shorter, Erad's connection was suck, the other observer's connection was suck, and my connection was not suck.

'The future will be better tomorrow.' - Dan Quayle

Player Introductions:

Er, crap, I don't know anyone in ~nohunters anymore. Oddity was the only person that I have ever seen before, so I was rooting for him. Everyone else could go lose quickly for all I care.

Five minute build orders: (no, no one 4-pooled)

RichardSimmons opted for a quick, safe expansion. He went 8 Depot, 11 Barracks, 16 Command Center in main, 17 Depot, 18 Bunker at ramp, 22 Refinery, 23 Barracks, lifts off second Command Center and lands it at mineral-only natural at 27, and 29 Engineering Bay. Very solid, yet the slow teching may be a problem.

TeMpLaR:) didn't try anything interesting. 9 Depot, 11 Barracks, 12 Barracks (all at the top of his ramp, walling himself in), 12 Refinery, 15 Academy, 18 Depot, 18 Factory, stim research at 20, 25 Starport, 25 Depot.

\/\/arhawk went 9 Overlord, 10/9 Extractor Trick, 13 Hatchery at his mineral-only natural, 13 Overlord, 14 Extractor, 15 Spawning Pool, 18 Overlord, two Creep Colonies at his expansion, Lair morph, another Creep Colony at his expansion. What was he doing? I have no idea.

Oddity quickly built up to Dark Templar. 8 Pylon, 11 Gateway, 13 Assimilator, 14 Cybernetics Core, 17 Pylon, 17 Citadel of Adun, 19 Gateway, 19 Templar Archives, Zealot, 23 Pylon, 2 Dark Templar, 28 Pylon at mineral-only natural. Yep.

-;- played it safe. 9 Overlord, 12 Spawning Pool, 13 Hatchery on ramp, six zerglings hatch after Spawning Pool completes, 17 Extractor, 16 Overlord, 16 Creep Colony behind mineral line, two Creep Colonies on his ramp, 21 Hydralisk Den, 23 Lair Morph.

cowboy_bebop safely teched to mutalisks. 10/9 Extractor Trick, 10 Spawning Pool, 9 Overlord, 12 Hatchery in main, 11 Extractor, 15 Creep Colony in main, 15 Lair Morph, 15 Creep Colony in main, 18 Overlord, 18 Creep Colony in main, 17 Spire.

Early Game:

Everyone discovered where everyone else was by this time, more or less. Warhawk plopped down a Queen's Nest after Lair completion. Great. People think they can get away with anything in these games. On that note, cowboy_bebop decided to make another Hatchery.... at the east central vespene geyser. Meanwhile, Oddity was going for a power Dark Templar build, apparently. He expanded to his natural and waited until getting six dark templar before sending them westward. He had the choice of hitting RichardSimmons or TeMpLaR:). He chose TeMpLaR:) since he was unable to scout out RichardSimmons' second Command Center because of his bunker.

The dark templar come across the wallin and quickly penetrate TeMpLaR:)'s main after hacking down the Supply Depot. TeMpLaR:) had just loaded up 13 assorted marines and medics in two dropships and had to drop and scan quickly. They shoot down four dark templar, but the other two escape and go to harass TeMpLaR:)'s SCVs.

Meanwhile, cowboy_bebop decided to see how much destruction he could cause with his first six mutalisks. They start their flight counterclockwise, opting to pass RichardSimmons' main and expansion after spotting roaming marines and turrets. After losing one, they continue on to TeMpLaR:)'s main where they meet up with many SCVs repairing a Comsat Station that was receiving damage. Oddity was using one dark templar to cause that and the other one to kill marines, so TeMpLaR:) did not have the force to handle these mutalisks.

break out the KY-jelly

Oddity quietly slipped out of the base and cowboy_bebop left himself after much bitching by TeMpLaR:). TeMpLaR:) did lose his forces, a few SCVs, and a lot of mining time, though.

cowboy_bebop's mutalisks continue on to Warhawk's main to find a Hive, Ultralisk Den..... and absolutely no defense. After forcing away the drones, the mutalisks bring the Hive down to 1000 hit points before Warhawk could finally make an Evolution Chamber and four Spore Colonies. At this time, cowboy_bebop lost his Hatchery by the east central vespene geyser to -;-'s zerglings and hydralisks, but he wasn't discouraged. Seeking more blood, he flew his mutalisks northeast to Oddity's main. During this time, -;- expanded to his natural and lurker drop capability appeared to be his tech goal.

The mutalisks come upon Oddity's mineral line, which was also undefended. Reinforcement mutalisks arrived, bringing the number up to ten. Oddity expanded to his mineral-only natural and had some cannons there, but the only mobile air attack he had was a dragoon. Too busy making zealots and dark archons, I guess. Oddity was forced to move his probes to his expansion and he lost his main nexus. Reacting to that attack, he sent 9 zealots to cowboy_bebop's main.

Unforunately for cowboy_bebop, his macro suffered from concentrating on raping everyone. He had 3 Sunken Colonies, Lair, Hatchery, Spawning Pool, Spire, 42/42 Supply, 2643 minerals, and 559 vespene. Ouch. Oddity's zealots tear into this, and cowboy_bebop attempted to call his mutalisks back in order to save his main. To compound his problems, Warhawk had revenge on his mind as well. Three of his ultralisks and 12 zerglings approached 12 'o clock.

'That Michael Jackson is unbelievable, isn't he?' - Al Gore, June 15, 1998 to CHICAGO BULL fans.

Meanwhile, TeMpLaR:) proved that he hated everyone equally. He dropped 9 marines and 3 medics on the southern edge of -;-'s main, away from the colonies. -;- had to retreat his drones to his natural while waiting for a lurker to morph. He had three lurkers at his expansion, but I guess he was too lazy to move them up in response to the attack. Eventually the lurker hatches and shreds the attacking force with the aid of some hydralisks. -;- did lose his Spawning Pool and Hydralisk Den, however. Ouch.

The battle stil raged on at 12 'o clock. Oddity pulled away his zealots when cowboy_bebop's mutalisks arrived. Oddity's forces almost ran into Warhawk's zerglings and ultralisks and quickly turned back toward cowboy_bebop's structures. Both Oddity and Warhawk desired the same thing, though, and cooperated in attacking cowboy_bebop's main. After the dust settled, cowboy_bebop had a Spawning Pool, Extractor, about 12 drones, and his ten mutalisks. Well, at least he had the minerals to possibly rebuild.

the zealots running from the ultralisks remind me of when the ghosts would run away from pac-man when he ate the power pill

Mid Game:

RichardSimmons hadn't seen any action yet, so he decided to push his luck by floating a newly built Command Center to the north central island expansion. On second thought, maybe he wasn't pushing his luck. His supply was at 130/150, mostly taken up by a legion of 1/1 marines and medics. Oddity had the second highest supply... at 50 supply used... At any rate, bunkers were erected on the island, making any possible drop on it not cost effective.

cowboy_bebop decided that he wasn't seeing enough action, so he sent his ten mutalisks to -;-'s main to see what damage he could still do with them. The destructive power of these mutalisks are, in a word, sickening. TeMpLaR:)'s drop on -;-'s main depleted the number of hydralisks there. cowboy_bebop's mutalisks faced about ten hydralisks and two spore colonies which the mutalisks quickly destroyed. After a few seconds of them shooting at the Lair, -;- gets so discouraged he LEFT. My disgust toward TeMpLaR:)'s earlier bitching was nothing compared toward my disgust toward -;-. Leaving inactive drones by a person with dark archons? :(

'In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.' - Napoleon Bonaparte

cowboy_bebop continued to find targets to antagonize. Oddity had zealots and dark archons roaming outside of his main, but had to retreat them to his expansion after mutalisks descended on them.

TeMpLaR:) comsatted RichardSimmons' north central expansion and was uncomfortable with how it was already fully active. He loaded up three dropships, two full of marines and one with a tank and three medics. He attempted to drop on the western part of the island, but he failed miserably with 13 of the marines dying while still in a dropship. The lead dropship full of marines was shot down by the two turrets there while the second dropped the medics and tank. The dropship in the rear was on the edge, so it didn't drop any of the marines. Determined to make the drop a success, he tried to move the last dropship in a little further, but was only able to drop three of the marines in that before losing that dropship. RichardSimmons quickly sent 12 marines on the island to the failed drop and mopped up the rest without any real losses at all. TeMpLaR:) began to feel the frustration again, complaining about his dropships not dropping units. In an attempt to try to approach RichardSimmons' production, he floated a Command Center to the unoccupied south central expansion.

'More and more of our imports come from overseas.' - George W. Bush

Oddity tired of cowboy_bebop's harassment and sent nine more zealots to 12 'o clock. The roving mutalisks find them and chase them up until they pass the northern end of the north central expansion. In a drunken stupor, the mutalisks fly back to 12 'o clock, back to the north central expansion to kill one of RichardSimmons' turrets, then back to 12 'o clock again. The only significance of this was that it was the first structure that RichardSimmons had lost all game.

The zealots that travelled to cowboy_bebop's main quickly rushed in and tore down his only Hatchery, losing only one of their number. After that, they bolt out with drones and mutalisks in hot pursuit. They go directly south, running by about 60 or so of RichardSimmons' marines and medics. The zealots continued to run like hell, the mutalisks and drones did not. After very quickly losing them, cowboy_bebop conceded the game. The havoc he created should not be overlooked, however.

If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.

Without cowboy_bebop in the game there wasn't continuous conflict, a quiet period occured. RichardSimmons was nearly at 200 supply. 3/3 Upgrades were nearly complete for the marines, and he augmented his huge infantry force with science vessels. TeMpLaR:) attempted to make his south central island expansion impregnable, putting many turrets around the edge of the island. Warhawk was quietly making zerglings, ultralisks, and defilers. Oddity was up to no good. He used a stolen overlord to transfer two zealots and a dark archon to 12 'o clock. The zealots cleaned up while the dark archon took control of an inactive drone. This drone began morphing a Hatchery there, and Oddity functionally had two races.

RichardSimmons decided to try to penetrate TeMpLaR:)'s south central island expansion. Maybe there were easier places to expand, but none were as strategically important as that one. Three dropships were filled with marines and matrixed up by three science vessels. One vessel had the energy to martix another vessel, and the matrixed vessel led the flight to the western part of the south central island. The plethora of turrets rapidly fire at the dropships and vessels, but the dropships are able to drop roughly half of their payloads, about 12 marines. These eliminate all of the defenses that were there at that time and destroy four turrets before succumbing to the mighty fusion cutters of TeMpLaR:)'s SCVs. TeMpLaR:) quickly rebuilt the destroyed turrets.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

Meanwhile, Warhawk dropped 24 zerglings and a defiler on the southern part in Oddity's main. A dark swarm was used to help the zerglings kill the two photon cannons there, and the zerglings destroy a Templar Archives and Robotics Facility before getting quashed by zealots.

Oddity tried to transport two dark archons in an overlord on the south central island shortly after RichardSimmons' drop there to steal one of TeMpLaR:)'s SCVs, but this overlord came from the southeast where the turrets hadn't been bothered. The overlord blew up before dropping anything.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Oddity shifted focus and became expansion hungry. He built a nexus on the 2 'o clock natural. Shortly after, he placed several Hatcheries at the 12 'o clock natural and warped in a Nexus on -;-'s old main. While -;-'s and cowboy_bebop's mains were not great mineral sources anymore, they still were half full of vespene.

Warhawk tried another 24 zergling drop, this time on TeMpLaR:)'s south central island expansion. In itself, this drop wasn't too destructive. A few of TeMpLaR:)'s tanks were ripped apart, but he still had a vulture, 2 medics, 2 tanks, and all of his turrets on the island. Quickly after, though, RichardSimmons loaded up SIX dropships full of marines, matrixed the lead one, and sent them there. Over thirty successfully drop and annihilate all units there. This series of events agitated TeMpLaR:) enough for him to become fed up with the game and quit.

Marines.  The few... er.... nevermind.

RichardSimmons patrolled a few marines outside of Oddity's 4 'o clock natural but found that it was a bad idea when archons skirmished with them.

Warhawk saved a big drop for RichardSimmons. Ten overlords (5 filled with zerglings, 2 filled with ultralisks, and 3 empty) drop on RichardSimmons' 10 'o clock natural. The cluttered building placement enables RichardSimmons to dispatch the threat of 2/2 zerglings and 2/2 ultralisks with a mere 16 3/3 marines, though.

Richard Simmons' totally inept building placement does him a favor

After floating a Command Center there, RichardSimmons took four dropships and filled them with the idle marines on the south central island expansion. One dropship dropped on Oddity's 12 'o clock main zerg base while the other three dropped on Oddity's 2 'o clock main protoss base. The marines at 12 destroy an extractor, slowng gas production. At 2, the force nearly eviscerated Oddity's Nexus, but it survived at about 20 hit points.

RichardSimmons tried a direct assault on 4 'o clock, sending about three hotkeys of marines and medics to the area. The execution was poor, however, as Oddity's archons electrocute large clusters of marines. The remnant of the attack scatters, and legions of Oddity's hydralisks mowed down the infantry that are left. A group of marines snuck up to 2 'o clock and destroyed the nexii at the natural and main there, so this attack was not a total disaster, I suppose. Meanwhile, Warhawk expanded to the only untouched mineral-only expansion, the 8 'o clock natural.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Oddity filled overlords with hydralisks and zealots and dropped them on RichardSimmons' south central island expansion. Having recently moved nearly all of the marines off of the island, RichardSimmons did not have much else other than SCVs there. These proved to be a formidale force, though, with their armor fully upgraded. The fusion cutters tore through the attacking force. The six overlords of zerglings that Warhawk sent in, though, overwhelmed the SCVs. During the battle, RichardSimmons floated the Command Center away and Oddity snuck in a dark archon and stole a heavily damaged SCV.

Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them.

A few moments later, RichardSimmons dropped 24 marines in Oddity's 4 'o clock main. These only manage to destroy the Nexus in this mined out base before being overwhelmed by a vast variety of troops. RichardSimmons did do something constructive in this time, though. He had been supplementing his infantry with battlecruisers and used them to clear out the few remaining zerglings on the south central island expansion in preparation for taking it again. The Command Center that retreated returned and most of RichardSimmons' SCVs were quickly transported there.

Oddity's SCV began construction of a Command Center at the 2 'o clock main. He pondered possibilities on what was the best way to disrupt RichardSimmons. He assembled a dropping force in 13 overlords and 2 shuttles of over thirty hydralisks, a handful of zealots and dragoons, and an archon. RichardSimmons' cluttered building placement helped greatly against Warhawk's drop, but it hindered him now, as the marines had to weave their way through a labyrinth of random terran structures. All of RichardSimmons' science vessels worked overtime, spewing irradiate on the hydralisks. Like a pro gamer, Oddity quickly shot down the hydralisks that were targeted by the vessels. Eventually, enough marines were able to make it onto the 10 'o clock plateau. The drop destroyed most of RichardSimmons' main. Multiple Supply Depots had to be rebuilt on the south central island expansion; RichardSimmons' max supply went down from 200 to 110.

If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work 'gay'?

RichardSimmons did not have long to rest after that attack. Warhawk executed another large drop on the 10 'o clock natural moments afterward Oddity's assault. Eight Overlords drop 41 zerglings and five ultralisks (2 armor, 3 attack), and RichardSimmons only had about 24 marines and seven medics available. The zerg force slowly diminished the terran defenders. When the number of marines fell to less than ten, RichardSimmons exhibited amazing matrix micro. This turned the tide of the battle, as the matrixed marines would simply not die.

It's not Area 51 I'm worried about- it's Areas 1 through 50.

Late Game:

The amount of resources left on the map was dwindling to nothing. The controller of the late game resources will probably be the winner. Oddity had 198 minerals, 1224 vespene, around 2700 potential minerals at the 2 'o clock natural (he was rebuilding there, a Hatchery since it's only 300 minerals), and 912 potential vespene from the 2 'o clock main. Warhawk had 1913 minerals, 626 vespene, and around 3600 potential minerals from the 8 'o clock natural. RichardSimmons' had 1026 minerals, 3187 vespene, around 5200 potential minerals from the south central island expansion, and 4464 potential vespene from the same place. RichardSimmons knew this, so he used his dropships to move almost every unit he had left onto the south central island.

Oddity and Warhawk knew this as well, and tried to do what they could before RichardSimmons could fortify his island. Oddity tried a drop on the eastern part of the island, but was repelled away by a loose group of marines and medics. On the low ground south of the plateau, Warhawk's defiler plagued an outer depot and a group of marines. RichardSimmons reacted by sending out his four science vessels. The defiler was irradiated, and they continue to where Oddity's loaded overlords were going. The vessels irradiated two overlords before being driven off. They hit paydirt. The two overlords that died to irradiate had four zealots and two hydralisks in them.

Warhawk scrapes for more vespene, morphing a hatchery at the 8 'o clock main. The geyser there had 312 left. In the meantime, Oddity attempted to utilize his terran tech. Two tanks of his siege directly adjacent to the south central island, but from there the marines on the high ground destroy them easily. RichardSimmons had a hunch that Oddity wasn't going to give up with the tanks, so he matrixed his two battlecruisers and the island and sent them east, exploring. Sure enough, they catch another tank attempting to get into position and destroy it. These two battlecruisers patrolled around this area, and Oddity was able to lure one of them away and kill it easily.

Realizing that it would be suicide for him to drop zerglings on the south central island expansion, Warhawk tried to pick a fight he may be able to win. He dropped about 50 zerglings and one ultralisk in the 4 'o clock main. These quickly eradicated Oddity's original main and continue on to the 4 'o clock expansion. This fell as well, Warhawk's force continued northward and ran into a small group of zealots and hydralisks supplimented by drones. Warhawk quickly lost his whole attacking force due to AI issues.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits.

By now, RichardSimmons had nearly mined out the south central island. He was moving his infantry, about 50 marines and 20 medics, onto the low ground with the three battlecruisers and four science vessels. Mr.Squad, the other observer, decreed it to be the end of the game.

Mr.Squad: time for the final attack
RichardSimmons: oh don't worry, with my micro I'm sure I will kill off all of my own troops

No matter how lousy his micro was, this terran juggernaught clove through Oddity's 15 zerglings, hydralisks, drones, and one zealot. Warhawk padded his score in the meantime by destroying RichardSimmons' defenseless 10 'o clock bases, but was unable to do anything about the actual threat.

yeah, he still had a few units

Here, RichardSimmons attempted to make love not war with his medics. I guess zealots do not have penises or something.

meet Scott Thompson, the zealot

Warhawk and Oddity bow out of the game, making RichardSimmons the victor.

The replay to this game can be downloaded here.

Lessons Learned:

If you learned anything from this, you were paying far more attention to the game than I was.

Game Stats

Time: 58:24


RichardSimmons: 252140
Oddity: 157785
\/\/arhawk: 116932
TeMpLaR:): 57070
cowboy_bebop: 40428
-;-: 26085
Units Total Produced Killed Lost
RichardSimmons: 157635 411 553 332
Oddity: 83105 358 321 346
\/\/arhawk: 53050 382 164 318
TeMpLaR:): 34300 120 108 86
cowboy_bebop: 24750 54 74 21
-;-: 12825 79 22 32
Structures Total Const Razed Lost
RichardSimmons: 39585 107 86 70
\/\/arhawk: 30500 42 89 38
Oddity: 25670 57 55 57
TeMpLaR:): 4680 120 108 86
cowboy_bebop: 3780 10 5 9
-;-: 2770 16 1 5
Resources Total Gas Mins Spent
RichardSimmons: 54920 15934 38986 49698
Oddity: 49010 12520 36490 46676
\/\/arhawk: 33382 7912 25470 31688
TeMpLaR:): 18090 4664 13426 16122
-;-: 12825 2352 8138 9825
cowboy_bebop: 11898 2632 9266 7788

The author would like to thank:

God - For without Him, nothing would be possible.
My family - For always being a pillar of support when I need them the most.
Testosterone - For being himself.
DrAwesome - For being the most respectable person here.
Joe.Smurf - For being the coolest smurf I know.
[SM]Strega~F, the()vermind, and Corbalt - For being huge fans of my work.
Dr. Bob - For providing the background for this report.
Mr.Squad - For making sure I don't miss any games to observe.

All of the competitors in the Sandbound and Winter Conquest games.
All of the people who still play Starcraft in ~nohunters.

A special thanks to Coolsig. After working so long on the writing and imaging, I didn't have the energy to create my original alttext. ;)

And finally, I want to thank you for reading.

This is CrackHeadJeb, signing off.....

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