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"Finally, Jpaikman is left with one solitary outpost, much like Berlin at the close of the Second World War. Sadly, Berlin gets hopelessly raped by Guardians from the South and white cruisers from the North."

Lessons in Non-Heterosexuality.
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Date: 03/17/02 01:03
Game Type: Starcraft
Labels:Image Heavy(1), Famous Reporter(1), Starcraft(1), Great Writing(1), Long(1), Funny(1)
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Report Rating: 9.5, # of Ratings: 2, Max: 10, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for Ling-erie: 8.1429

There's a lot of stuff in here and it'll look crap unless it's ready, so let it load! Go order a pizza or turn the oven off or something

You may also want to try and beat this
It's pretty tough =p

Welcome to another of my BattleReports, today we're paying tribute to the legend that is InkMeister, cos the bastard's gone and 'retired' on me, leaving me with no regular opponent anymore. He's been playing since 1.01 or something stupid like that, so you can probably gather that he has a good knowledge of the game and his appearances in two of my previous BRs gives you an idea of his ability with his weaker races. InkMeister, if you read this, make a comeback PLZZZ!!!!!!! (You know you're going to do it sometime anyway) =]

Anyway, remember I asked in a poll the other day what games you liked the most in BRs? no? Well, kind of as a result of that poll, the game I have for you today is a really big gay free for all on flooded plains: an excellent map with a tonne of expansions and 6 player slots for those that dare. I played a 2v2 on that map earlier that evening where my opponent muta-rushed, leaving me open to the most gay double-team of all time.... so bm, but still, I wanted to seek some vengeance on the map and naturally the gang were game for a free for all.

Yes, it's a huge picture, but i want people to be clear on the map layout

Speaking of the gang.... Some introductions may be appropriate, so here are the players:

TOTELBLATNATHAX, better known to some of you as Uncle~Jam, he used to be fair player, now he's just a big spamming fool and we love him for it. He gets given a blue Protoss nexus at the mid-right position.

This was the best thing i sum Jam up with =]

Playfate..., better known to many as -Fate or "Not that fucking retard again". He's annoying to the limit, and claims to be a good Zerg, although all his other races are a load of shit. If u lose to him in NH then I pity you ^^. He's really BM and a great laugh, so we always like having him around. He gets a green Zerg hatchery at the bottom left position.

Damned straight!

QuesoDude, He plays a good protoss, otherwise I don't know dick about him except that he hangs around with Inkmeister and co all the time. That's not a bad point on him though, I can barely remember anyone who I play less than thirty times these days. He starts off with a teal Protoss nexus at the top right position.

You really ought to know...

Inkmeister, otherwise known as... well... Inkmeister I guess. He picks his very strong but remarkably gay terran, and lands a purple command centre at the mid-left position.

Yep, U got t! Just look at Wangsonn...

xXx-Roar, as far as my memory serves, we never met before this game, but he's probably in the same clan(?) as xXx-Lockdown who also hangs out with us. I have no idea if he's any good or if he likes doing it with other men, but he starts off with a red Protoss nexus in the top left position.

hf gg.... so manner =]

Ling-erie, Yep there's me; I'm playing this stupid game, but I'm not going to report solely in the first-person cos then you'd miss all the action, bearing in mind how much of a bastard I am in FFAs. Anyways, I get my gay as fuck worst race ever in the bottom-right position.


Ok, let's kick this off: Everyone starts doing their normal FFA builds where they panic and try to mass units, tech really hard and expand all over the place at the exact same time. This is the irony of all FFA games, half the competitors tend to lag out because their computers can't take the contradictory commands being thrown at them for the first ten minutes. Anyway, bearing in mind I had stressed with great vigour at the start of the game that this was to be the most non-heterosexual FFA of all time, I decided that it would be inappropriate not to lead by example, and so I scouted on about my 7th SCV to find an opponent as soon as possible. I sent it northward-bound, and having at least a little knowledge of the map, managed to find Jam pretty fast.

Poor guy! I gathered my now 9 SCVs and charged head-on into his base, confronted by a couple more probes than my number, I ignored the threat and went straight for his workers. Now here is the most fundamental gay imbalance in starcraft in my opinion: SCVs have 60 hitpoints while probes have 40. It wasn't long before I microed my SCVs to victory and pissed off Jam a treat! I killed all his probes and his nexus for the loss of all but two of my SCVs. He has a pylon and a gateway, but never got close to the money he needed for a zealot. We're 3 minutes into the game and already Jam is asking for vision... oh what could have been. Well, I sent my troops back to work again, and began constructing my empire. I've noticed that QuesoDude's probe had watched my entire assault, and knew that I was way behind on resources and tech, but I fear not these puny things, and I pray to fuck that he doesn't attack Me.

SCV Power!

Elsewhere in the game, a load of those stupid polar bear guys are patrolling the empty expansions, and the players are all showing off their latest tech. InkMeister has opted for a 2-factory build, he thinks that the best unit in the game is the tank, I've tried convincing him that mutas own tanks but to no avail, so it is of no surprise that InkMeister's tech of choice is hardcore metal. Fate has hatched in his main and gotten a fast lair, this a policy foreign to Me as my standard zerg build in free for all games is at least 3 hatches at random expansions before my spawning pool. This could be trouble for the teching InkMeister, Fate's closest opponent. QuesoDude is sporting the makings of a zealot rush, demonstrating his desire, for this game at least, to make a lot of low-tech units. Roar has decided to keep up the gayness factor by teching really hard to dark templar. He has 2 gates up and running, and an archives halfway done. I've only got one supply depot due to my 'setback'.

InkMeister had decided to vulture rush, and his target just happened to be the tech-like-hell Fate, who had only drones and a brand spanking new spire when the vultures arrived. InkMeister goes around stripping him of nearly all of his drones until Fate manages to hatch enough mutas to fend off the three troublesome bikers. Fate tells everyone that he is the victim of a rush, asking for vision from the rest of the players. We all know Fate though and we all know how gay he is, so only InkMeister visions him, and then suddenly realises his mistake and turns allied vision off again with a chorus of cursing and idle threats. The rest of us just laugh at InkMeister and get on with our plans for world domination. During this commotion, Roar's first two dark templar slip quietly out of the gateways and head off in a southerly direction. They arrive at InkMeister's detection-less main, but they focus fire on the command centre, allowing InkMeister to set up a bunch of turrets for detection, and with the help of a bunker and a few more vultures, he manages to stay in the game.... YOU'D THINK! Well actually, Fate has decided to gay it up by throwing his newly spawned mutalisks in InkMeister's direction (having seen where his base was when he was visioned earlier, good job too cos he NEVER SCOUTED!). As a result, InkMeister is left with nothing that can handle mutalisks except for some badly placed turrets, and idle goliath tech.

SCV Power!

Fate wastes a factory before his assault is called off (just after Roar retreats his dark templar). But Fate's mutas don't go far, in fact, they don't go anywhere, they just stop attacking....!The vultures were attacking bottom left, the DTs were attacking middle left and now the mutas are attacking top left, hope that helpsFate laying the smack down on Roar Yep, you've got it, amongst the hideous gayness of this game so far, Fate and InkMeister have allied after only a measley 7 minutes. HOW GAY! Anyway, QuesoDude attacked my main with his zealot pimp squad, and I still hadn't finished my first barracks when he arrived, so I let the SCVs run the hell away and hide while I floated my command centre to the nearest mineral and gas location: Jam's old main! Here I set about teching for the unrivalled gayness of the nuke-rush. I think that it's about time for a minimap update... You can see that Fate's now harassing Roar with his gay mutas, and Roar is trying to scare them away with his zealots while he waits for storm to research. He has 4 cannons but they are badly placed and the nexus in his main falls due to his crap storming skills and the inherent inability of zealots to hurt mutas in any way. You can also see a curious teal line crossing the centre of the map, I wonder what that could be....

Roar is pretty badly screwed at this point, he has an expansion behind his main, but it has no air defence, and Fate knows all about it. Then a blessing falls from the skies... well, actually it comes from my old main: QuesoDude's zealot pimp squad (yes, the curious green line on the map) happens upon Fate's totally undefended main; his only source of mining too cos he's too cheap to expand. As a result, Fate pulls his mutas all the way down the map to his main and fends off the zealots with the same imbalance that was letting him rape Roar. InkMeister also adds a few metal units to the defence, thus alerting QuesoDude to the secret alliance. Jam was an obs so he knew all about it at the time, and I think Roar was pretty much aware of it too seeing how the mutas went on to his base pretty quickly. I was only just beginning to hear ominous boasts about the "InkMeister/Fate alliance of death" and how we were all going to be subject to hideous slavery at it's command (Fate's kinky like that....). Fate lost his spire and all but three drones to that assault... for the second time in 10 minutes! GW Fate.

This theme of Fate getting horribly gang-raped repeats itself numerous time throughout this BR

Roar wants revenge, and through that hack that is scouting, he knows where Fate's base is, and sends a 5 DT pimp squad down through my old main to one of the many rear entrances provided by this map. He happens upon a morphing hatchery at the bottom centre, with a full wing of mutalisks guarding it, but no detection nearby. In what is basically a pro-level move, he waits for the hatchery to finish his morph before he assaults it. As a result, Fate doesn't have a chance in hell of stopping the assault, but also can't cancel and save his 300 minerals. With the most incredible bad luck you'll ever see in starcraft, Fate's ally InkMeister has JUST shot off about 4 comsats, depleting all of his energy. As a result he can't help Fate at all and the expansion falls pretty damned fast. QuesoDude was getting lonely at the top of the map at the same time, so he sent down a bunch of zealots and goons to my new main (Jam's old base). I had teched to tanks, and was just researching my ghost's cloak in the science facility when he came crashing in. I had three tanks placed really well in my peon line, walled in safely from the majority of the attack by the minerals themselves, but sadly I only had three tanks and a ghost in total, whereas he had tonnes of everything =[

Let's insert a hugely oversized minimap to illustrate the current standing after only 12 minutes of play:

Where things stand after 12 minutes of play

InkMeister has a shitload of expansions and one attack upgrade for his metal.
QuesoDude has one expansion directly above my current main, and one attack upgrade for his zeal/goon army. He also has a good spread of observers.
Fate's just lost his only expansion and doesn't even have a spire to upgrade with at the moment. He has about 10 mutas and the same number of drones.
Roar has one expansion and no upgrades, but he does currently have storm and zeal/goon/temp/archon for his army.
I have nothing worth speaking about. I think that getting siege researched was a great accomplishment for my predicament.
Jam has...... He's out remember! Idiot.

I lost all that I had, and despite repairing a tank so that is got a nice number of kills, I couldn't stop the assault and had to cancel the nuke silo I was building and float my command centre away AGAIN (Thx QuesoDude, u bastard). Anyway, he hunted down a load of my buildings and found my expansion in the bottom right corner so I just gave up and asked for obs from the guys. There's a lesson here people: Don't SCV rush in FFA unless there is an island to float to (and if there is an island, SCV rush all u can cos it's cool and 'macho', and women will love you for it). I didn't stop making stuff just then though, I found a nice deserted mineral-only spot and did what I normally do as obs: make mass command centres for the rest of the game. Remember Roar's five dark templar? Well, they went on to Fate's main, where they got horribly raped by 2 of InkMeister's spider mines and Fate's mutas. Shame really, they were having quite a profound impact on the game =/

asdf =[

QuesoDude had tasted blood now, and was on the path for more. His earlier forays into unknown territory had cost Fate his spire, so he knew where Fate's main was and sent his zeal/goon army with some reinforcements from home on towards the infestation that was spreading slowly across the south of the map. Fate only had about twelve mutalisks, and so he ignored the main body of the attack and was content to pick off any stragglers that passed through the middle of the map. Sadly for him, his spire was the first building to fall and his grand designs on living for more than 2 seconds seemed to be in jeopardy. Then two things happened to change all that: InkMeister sent in a fair sized ground force to get QuesoDude to stop murdering his ally, and Roar totally tranced InkMeister's 12:00 expansion. As a result, Fate lived with some zergling reinforcements and his main muta pack coming back to help, QuesoDude suddenly had no army, but Inkmeister's attentions were diverted northwards, not across the map towards QuesoDude. Fate rebuilt his spire for the third time, this time at the bottom left of the map. InkMeister added a physics lab to his science facility which was sitting right next to 5 unused starports at the mid-left...., Roar took InkMeister's old 12:00 expansion and QuesoDude warped in 4 stargates in his main while maynarding 36 probes to his new 6-patch expansion in the bottom right, neglecting to put any on gas... gw.

Denied! (double-teaming cheating bastards)

On this map, there are a large number of mineral patches and two gas nodes right in the centre of the map. InkMeister and Fate took the time to whore the resources all to themselves.Roar laying the smack down on Fate this time =]Out of the frying pan... into the fire! Their defences in the centre were not as impressive as they could have been though, basically consisting of about 20 zerglings and half as many prayers. As a result, when Roar's new pimp squad of dark templar arrived, they destroyed all the defenders, 3 hatcheries and made InkMeister lift off his command centre... at the exact same moment that QuesoDude turned up with a wing of corsairs. As you can probably imagine, the command centre didn't get far. InkMeister and Fate were unphased by events in the centre, as they had bigger plans for Roar. Somewhere in the region of 10 battlecruisers and 36 mutalisks slam into Roar's mid-left expansion and tear it down in record time. I'm not sure that Roar could have done ANYTHING to stop this assault, you can see what he was up against:

That's really gotta hurt =[

This was not part of Roar's plan, but he then showed us all why FFA games are so stupid, and yet so great: Instead of sending his mostly grounded army back to defend his main (the most likely next target for the InkMeister/Fate alliance of death), he threw them into an all-out offensive against QuesoDude. As a result, he could get knocked out of the game, but at least he'd take someone with him! QuesoDude had just warped in his first 3 carriers and was working on the interceptors for them. He was also harassing Fate with his corsairs, enough so that Fate retreated from his attack on Roar with all of his mutas, just to stop them. As his corsairs fell, QuesoDude became the third observer in this FFA, with no hope of holding back Roar, despite InkMeister camping 10 battlecruisers in Roar's main. At this point the game was pretty much over to all intents and purposes, as InkMeister was just patrolling through Roar's last expansions while I was feeding Fate as many command centres as I can build for him to infest. Roar was working his way round the map setting up new expansion after new expansion in the hope that InkMeister and Fate would give him 10 minutes to rebuild at some point, and he tried to slow InkMeister's battlecruisers down a little by storming them at every opportunity. This sort of wraps up the FFA part of this report...

Or at least it would have, but for some reason, there was a disagreement between Fate and InkMeister, something that led to the most ridiculous set-up I've seen. Fate had sent all of his mutalisks home to kill QuesoDude's Corsair pimp squad, while InkMeister was pursuing Roar across the map with his very slow battlecruisers. Then suddenly, Fate started killing InkMeister's units, the ones that were defending Fate's main. It was quickly apparent that something big was going on.

InkMeister: Don't you dare Fate!
Fate: =D

And with those words, Fate patrolled into InkMeister's old main and started tearing it down. InkMeister started making turrets, but forgot to un-ally for ages, and Fate had a lot of mutalisks, so InkMeister lost a fair few buildings before his defences came online, but they weren't even close to enough to stop Fate.

Fate is so BM like that, one moment he's helping you out... then next he's poised with a dagger behind you!

InkMeister sent his 15 battlecruisers on a direct route to Fate's main base but had to divert them away because Fate just had too many mutas.Random Protoss ground/floating CC combo = thx At this point InkMeister's backup plan comes into view, as he asked first QuesoDude and then Roar to

ally with him. Both obliged and Roar sent his considerable ground army into Fate's 6:00 expansion while QuesoDude started producing corsairs en-masse to go with his six carriers. I started retrieving my five floating command centres, I wasn't letting the traitorous Fate have infested terrans at my expense...! Roar's army was impressive, and it sacked the first expansion it came across with great efficiency, but Fate just had so many mutalisks that the mainly zealot force was overwhelmed before it could do much more damage. Fate sent his mutas into the centre of the map, where InkMeister was harvesting resources with three command centres. What looks like about 5 wings of mutalisks tore down the expansions in seconds, and suddenly InkMeister, despite his considerable army, was only earning from a single fully functional base.

Keeping his battlecruiser army safe at the other side of the map, InkMeister couldn't stop Fate from working his way through his bases one by one, and picking off any individual battlecruisers that emerged from InkMeister's starports. Eventually, Ink couldn't re-enforce his army as fate was killing the new units as fast as they were being madeFate started work on the production facilities themselves and although they did do some damage, InkMeister's newly produced valkyraes weren't nearly enough to stop the HUGE flock of mutas, so the 'InkMeister/QuesoDude alliance of death' worked on a new strategy: 15 battlecruisers, 6 carriers and eventually 12 corsairs turned up at Fate's last bottom-middle expansion and began tearing it up. As you can imagine, this was more than enough encouragment for Fate to leave InkMeister's main alone,=] and focus on the job in hand: destroying the combined forces of the alliance of death. QuesoDude's corsairs were trying to defend InkMeister's last mining base from Fate's mutas. A hilarious moment followed when Fate attack-moved over 60 mutas into the 12 corsairs but for some reason they didn't engage. The mutas started dying pretty fast, but the corsairs remained unharmed as Fate was still allied with QuesoDude from when he was an observer. Seeing the number of mutalisks, QuesoDude retreated his corsairs to Fate's main, where the battlecruisers and carriers had got to at this point. Fate knew he was running out of options, he had no mining bases and his enemies were after his spires, and so he patrolled his mutalisks into the alliance of death's air fleet for the final showdown of the game.

Around sixty 2:1 mutalisks rolled into twelve damaged 0:1 battlecruisers, six carriers and twelve corsairs (both with +1 shields only). The titanic showdown had begun....

Funky, no?

...And then 2 seconds later it was over. I think InkMeister lost a battlecruiser or something like that. This happened because Fate forgot two of the most important rules in using zerg air:
1) Corsairs tend to own mutas horribly, and

GW Fate!

Anyway, Fate leaves after his minor humiliation, and after laughing it off ourselves we all leave the game in search of bigger and better things. The game lasted just under half an hour, and here are the final scores:

final scores

Hell, let's throw in a lessons learned section for the fun of it:
1)FFA games are gay as hell, if you enter one and don't expect to be royally shafted by cheese tactics and stupid imbalances then you're dreaming!
2)InkMeister is gay, he allied with everyone in the game at some point or another to win it.
3)Fate is gay, he backstabbed InkMeister... and how!
4)QuesoDude is gay, he managed to rejoin the game from his "observer" status with one of the most impressive air fleets on display.
5)Roar is gay, anyone who DT rushes ever in any game for any reason falls under that category.
6)Jam is gay, he can't even stop the hideous imbalance of the 9 SCV rush
7)That strat I pulled and then the ensuing nuke rush are clear signs of heterosexuality... STFU!

kingjames81: your lessons learned section gratuitously overuses the word gay
L1n93r13: hehehe
kingjames81: This game was more gay than the ffa where erad did the 9 forge, 1 stargate cannon + carrier rush
kingjames81: 'extra forges power up the cannons man'
L1n93r13: haha
kingjames81: that game was a total failure to report, though, since everyone disconnected or left
kingjames81: so Uncle~Jam won by default
L1n93r13: wow
L1n93r13: man
L1n93r13: he was moaning how he always looks gay in reports
kingjames81: haha
L1n93r13: I'll put that in
L1n93r13: to please him
L1n93r13: =]

And that's it, I could just submit this BR as it is, I've done the report, so what the hell else is there to do? Well, let's see, we could play...

I assume many of you have played the game "Protect The Queen", or maybe "Protect YourSelf" in your time, or some variation of them (there are hundreds). Well, AngelicWizard (being a sad git) made a UMS called 'protect InkMeister' so we all decided that we should go and wrap up affairs with a game of that, with InkMeister playing the role of 'InkMeister' (not sure how well he'd adapt to that, but still).

You can read the introductory text Here

Staging areaOk, The rules are basically: You get a Dark Archon and you have to mind control a unit from the staging area (or 2 of you're fast enough). This unit the teleports to the game arena with a ridiculously modified damage and armour/hitpoint level. You then get assaulted by wave after wave of units and you have to keep InkMeister alive. So anyway, we kicked off with Fate choosing a ghost, Inkmeister getting given a ghost by default, Jam getting a lurker, Fenix (NewStart) Getting a Lurker and QuesoDude getting a muta. We were all too incompetent to get more than one unit with our dark archons. I got a tank, a decision I would regret for the rest of the game, I HATE YOU FATE. Something that many of you may be familiar with is that ghosts can lockdown siege tanks, even if they're on the same team.... Well here's a big pic to show the start of the game and basically how crap InkMeister is at UMS games, how gay Fate is etc etc. We started by fending off marines, then hydras. The lurkers are pretty good in this game as their splash damage lets them kill many units at once, but there are air levels later on where they become considerably less useful.

If you have any idea what's going on, then you've got one up on Ink so far =]

Anyway, having slaughtered the masses of marines and hydras that were sent our way, the computer decided to challenge us with more dangerous units: Dragoons. Every time I complained about being locked-down, I was promptly reminded whose bitch I was, by being locked down again.... This could be a long game =/

Contrary to popular belief; Lurkers, mutas and ghosts own goons... wtf???

Well, we managed to fend off the goons, onward ho!

We suck, and to prove that point, we got royally raped in ONLY ROUND 5 OF 25!!

As you can probably tell, we got unceremoniously raped by the ultras. Pretty good fun though. In games since this I've used the 'EMP all your partner's high templar' strat (sorry IllGetDroped), the 'Stasis all your opponent's infantry' (sorry everyone else) and the 'Darkswarm-the-centre' strats (no apologies for that), that last one is particularly effective as no-one chooses melee units as their heroes except for lurkers =] I also SCV rushed FourEver in a game the other night and I swear he was crying, man he was so bitter.

Well anyway, that's this report done with, hope you liked it, I tried to make it as gay as possible, it wasn't like I had to try very hard with Fate around though =]. Massive hand to ppl like Breeze and DeonPeon and some other ppl for reading it through for me. Hell, even Fate didn't make me change that much of it =]

Milk the cow...

Jam shows us how to avoid ppl in style:

U suck =]


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