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How to beat a Hick without being gay
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Date: 02/13/02 03:02
Game Type: Starcraft
Labels:Image Heavy(1), Famous Reporter(1), Pro Player(1), Funny(1), Problem: Spam(1)
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Report Rating: 8.0, # of Ratings: 1, Max: 8, Min: 8
Lifetime Rating for Killawful: 8.0000

Killaw'ful's rants: (not part of the BR, just stuff to read to allow pics to ;) )

Upon reading Kepow'Ob's report accusing me of using "Gay Tactics" in StarCraft in our games, I quickly denied those accusations. Allow me to present my defense. Now I have been playing this game since 1999, when I was in high school. I have evolved from a money map hacking newbie, to a Lost Temple no hunters player who is now on the Ladder board. But let me tell you that after a few years, this game is pretty old. You honestly stop caring whether you win or not. Upon reading several of Drefsabs hilarious BGH strats, I decided to follow and do nothing but off the wall wackyness to see if I could win. Have you ever lifted off your Command Center and rushed your SCV's into your opponents base for fun, then send the CC to an island and build up a base to win the game? Try it if you haven't because it makes for sheer hilarity. And another thing, I mean if you cannot defend against a muta rush then that is your own fault and you deserve to die. All in all, I have stopped taking this game seriously but it is a fun thing to do between classes in college, so I say enjoy. To continue to prove Kepow'Ob wrong, as I tend to do a lot, I vowed to have a game, using no "Gay Tactics" and prove that I can win this game using nothing but mass I decided to play some random dumb Hick from Hickville, so I found my opponent, Hicks25. But I am one to go a step further and and another challenge. So while playing this game I would be minimizing the game to chat on ICQ and oogle at pics of supermodels Tyra Banks and Heidi Klum while my friends and I judged who was the hottest out of the two. This BR will report both.

Now I present to you a report of macro possibilities!


The game took place on the fine map of Lost Temple. My ever-fine opponent, of Hicks25, took random, as did I. For all good players go random right? But that is besides the point. Hicks25, who from now on will be referred to as Hick, warped in as the Protoss executor of the Protoss fleet called "Orange" on the northern plateau from the temple. I landed my CC as the captain of the roughneck terran squad "Blue" on the western plateau from the temple. My squad desperately wanted a party with beer around the temple, and by God, I wasn't gonna let them down!

My opponent, Hick, began scouting counter clockwise with his seventh probe, but curiously, he didn't build anything. His unique counter clockwise pattern of scouting suggests he is a creative thinker, and is a nomad, who doesn't like to be weighed down to anything. One could also deduce that he would like long walks on the beach, and his turn-ons include music and food. Now that I know how my opponent thinks, it will be easier to defeat him. Right? Right. Now back to the game.
His probe went past my SCV beginning some sort of block off strategy that my colleagues tell me is quite popular on He then walked into my mineral line and decided to do a more laid back and relaxed strategy by sitting back and watching my SCV's mine those precious blue crystals, made out of an extremely valuable substance which Blizzard made sure not to reveal to us because if it did, it would have unleashed a terrible, terrible evil upon us all! Anyways back to the game.
From that point on my opponent took the unorthodox build of a pylon at 7, a gateway at 8, another pylon, an assimilator, and then went for mass zealots.

I on the other hand, went for a barracks at 7 at my ramp for a block off, a refinery at 8, a supply depot at 9, finishing the block off. This was followed by an academy, and a factory, as I climbed the tech tree.

I then sent an SCV to the southern plateau to scout for my opponent and quickly minimized the game to oogle at some pics and chat with some people on ICQ. I had the tough job of deciding who looked hotter between these two pics. What do you think?

When I maximized the game again, I noticed an abundance of zealots in the game. I decided what any rational person would and built nothing but firebats. He quickly sent an initiating attack of seven zealots to rape my base. I wondered to myself over who would win. Seven zealots, or four firebats in a bunker? A tough battle would break out and the innocence of this game would be lost forever as my men attempted to lightly toast the meat of the attacking zealots before they ate them for dinner. However my more then cautious opponent had other plans. As his squad marched up my ramp and he saw two bunkers and a wall off, he prepared to run by and attack the depot. But when he saw that my beer chucking troops weren't shooting those worthless pellets marines call bullets or what not, and instead using the strong flame which firebats use, he retreated his men immediately and set up camp at my natural, and built a cybernetics core. As he was waiting for dragoon support, I built a machine shop and prepared to shoo his men away with some siege. :)

I was in a bit of a pickle now. He had me contained with his ever growing number of zealots at my natural. Most were just out of range from my tanks. I suspected he had set my natural as his rally point for his zealots because his unit count grew to outnumber mine by over 20. Things were looking grim for our hero ladies and gentlemen, and I needed to come up with an idea fast. You know what helps me think? Looking at pics of hot models, let's do that.

There we go! I got it! Using my money which had grown to over 2000 minerals and gas while the game was minimized I built an engineering bay, two star ports and a CC in my base. I decided to go wraiths on his Hick ass.

However one scan of my opponents base revealed that he too had built two stargates and a robotics facility, with a robotics support bay. I feared an impending reaver drop, but since I am a risk taking care free guy, I decided to gamble it and spend all my cash on a few wraiths and more tanks. This usually pays off 52% of the time so I figured those were good odds, right?

Well when it pays off 52% of the time, it also bites you in the ass 48% of the time. After I sent my newly built 8 wraiths to attack my opponents mineral line, a friendly neighborhood drop, not to be confused with your friendly neighborhood spider-man coming out this May in theatres everywhere so be sure to go see it, landed into my mineral line. Even though I just had all my SCV's killed and had my economy brought to a halt, I still laughed at him for using dragoons in a drop instead of reavers. I diverted all wraiths back to my base, once again putting me in a defensive position, and had to fight off the 6 dragoons in my mineral line. This is where I learned an interesting lesson. Wraiths actually CAN kill dragoons when cloaked.
I am sure if I had not cloaked them they would have all met their maker, but they were, so instead of fried wraiths for dinner we get to eat dragoon blue soup. MMMM!


Moving on, while recovering from this lull in my economy, I lifted off my CC I was building and sent it to the bottom right island, and got that expansion going. I also build an armory, but NOT for goliaths as many of you might think, no I built the armory to upgrade siege damage. This is due to the fact that you get 5 points per upgrade for vehicle weapons on a siege tank in siege mode, making it one of the most cost effective upgrades in the game. I mean come on I can't lose with killer strats like these right? Um… right let's go with that for now.

As I was playing I noticed an SCV of mine, just sitting on the southern plateau doing nothing. I figured he must be the one I sent to scout a few minutes ago and decided to use him to expand, thus bringing the score of expansions to:

Killaw'ful - 3

Hicks25 - 0

Man, looking at numbers like that, this must mean I am going to win right? Of course, there was never any doubt of that! But my opponent seemed to not agree with the whole me winning idea and quickly sent in two scouts and two corsairs to my wall-in and opened fire! This was ruthless, and annoying, since I only had firebats and siege at my wall-in both unable to shoot air. He seemed comfortable using units that couldn't be hit so I followed suit and sent my six newly built cloaked wraiths (yes I know these are pretty small amounts of men being used, but understand these attacks came like every ten seconds, so how can I be expected to amass huge amounts of men within these short times alright?! K? Good!) and taught my protoss opponent that only beer drinking roughnecks may own the skies over the Lost Temple. His air units were quickly shot down.

Would this be the long rest my men needed to drink beer and regroup? Of course not for he then sent in all his zealots and dragoons to attack my wall in, and my men had to fight on, yet again. The action never stops here folks, and you didn't even pay for this one. The flames turned on from my bunkers in a feudal attempt to make the zealots go away as dragoons fired at the bunkers from the safety of low ground. I used my wraiths to attack the dragoons, but suffered a loss of 5 wraiths to kill 2 lousy dragoons. Now that's cost effective! My siege tanks also destroyed one of my bunkers while shooting the zealots next to it, instead of the dragoons like they should have done. I lost more then I thought I would in this attack and prepared to rebuild.
What I didn't know was that this whole thing was a diversion for my wraiths, which were now dead, so that he could drop both my expansions. A shuttle flew right over my main and into my southern plateau expansion landing 1 reaver (I guess Hick took my criticism of his last drop to heart) and 2 zealots. I was powerless to do anything but watch him kill all my SCV's and CC on the southern plateau and then my island on the bottom right, bringing my expansion count back down to zero. This Hick fellow meant business it seemed.
My opponent begun to get on my nerves so I took all the siege at my wall in and loaded them into some nice cozy drop ships and gave them some wraith support and two valkeries for some reason. I mean hey, valkeries are good right? People with valkeries win games so therefore I should build them right? Anyways, I dropped the tanks on the low ground next to his mineral line and laced into him. My opponent was a smart one thought and he had built two cannons in his mineral line, and as we all know cannons own wraiths. So to counter this I put them on "hold position" not to far off from the cannons but out of their range. As my wraiths picked off probe after probe, my tanks took pot shots at his nexus. I then scanned his choke and saw a very large group of at least twelve dragoons heading around his plateau to the low ground where my tanks were situated. So in my continuing quest to be annoying I reloaded my tanks into the drop ships and place them on the high ground right beside his nexus and sieged them. He then had to send all his goons back up into his base where he took out my attack using his gosu micro skills by targeting one of my units at a time with all his goons. Oh well I guess, I didn't kill him, but luckily I managed to stop all the action for a while at least. Right? Right. So let's go back to my main to see what happened.

Oh my god I don't remember having a reaver and two zealots in my main. GAH! This was when I really started to panic for he had my engineering bay and armory in the red and on fire. If I lost those two buildings, all would be lost, for everyone knows you can't win unless you have an engineering bay right? Right. So I then lifted off my engineering bay and out of harms way and sent all my SCV's to repair it and save it after it was down to 13 health! My armory didn't have the same luck though… it was down to 7 health before I repaired it and then sent all my firebats from my wall in to kill off these intruders in my main. The only reason this attack didn't do as well as it could have was due to Hicks not microing it and rebuilding scarabs so I only had to fight 2 zealots in reality.


After this I begun to get really annoyed and sent all my firebats on the attack. Unfortunately my opponent noticed my men marching in thanks to an observer he had positioned at my wall in for the entire game. To respond to this he placed all his goons at the very top of his ramp on "hold position". Needless to say the attack faired rather poorly. No men got off a shot before they died.

I rebuilt my island expansion and built four barracks. After all I couldn't use any "gay tactics" as Kepow'Ob put it so I went all out macro. All that stood between that beer party around the temple was reavers, goons, and a ramp. After training over 75 marines in record time thanks to my 'l33t macro skillz' I sent them all in to attack my opponent, Hicks. The only thing this attack achieved was giving his reaver a 39 kill count, and left me to rebuild my men. My men seemed to lose faith in my abilities to lead them to victory and decided to have their party around the temple prematurely and an observer of Hicks looked on as they got rowdy and drank and told each other tales as the night wore on. This time I convinced them all to attack in a group as opposed to their previous conga line strat that didn't prove so successful. They also used drugs to increase their firing rate and walking speed. This drug binging party attitude is what led them to victory and my opponent said GG and left the game as my men partied on.

And now my men finally get their party

I would like to thank KepowOb for his work on the pictures, and as thanks, his name gets crossed out in his sig.

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