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Why do I always do these enormous BRs - Part 1
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Date: 12/28/01 04:12
Game Type: Starcraft
Labels:Image Heavy(1), Famous Reporter(1), Starcraft(1), Great Writing(1), Long(1)
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Lifetime Rating for |]agomar: 8.6667

I don't really know how to start out this battlereport. I was going to write something witty, something humourous, something that'll make you all love me.

Unfortunately, I realized that was impossible, especially since I'm Canadian and you'll all think I'm dumber than you already do ( or, at least, you will until Canada invades America. THEN we'll see . . . . ).

I guess that's okay though, since it allows me to claim that any spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, inconsistences with the game and/or lame jokes in this report are the direct consequence of my Canadianity.

On to the game.

Stupid Pregame Thingie

Here's the initial setting: normal day in nh. I'm just talking smack with Satan's Cookies, and some other dudes. People enter. I say hi, I accidentally ban myself or something, I return, I trip over my chair, and we start a game.

The map is Station Unrest, and there's no fewer than six players in what would be a very non-homosexual ( well, partly ) FFA. Pretty cool map, on the whole. It has these weird blue things ( I heard someone call them "crystals" ) and this green stuff that sort of vents out of the ground. You can check it all out on the very brady mini map. Let's cover our crop of players, chosen from bad-ass NH regulars:

|]agomar: ( Terran )
Hey, it's my br, that means I'm first. Prior to the day of this game I played exactly 0 games in 4 or so months. That means my mind set was: "okay idiot, you suck, your goal is to stay alive in this game until other people have hurt each other enough for you to do something." I guess I've been around for a while, but usually on an off-and-on basis, and always with plenty of lag ( hence my cursed nickname: "Lagomar." Thanks Lucky. ). I go for the typical heavy metal build, and wall-in my CC with depots, an Academy, rax - the usual. My aim is to stay unharmed for as long as possible, but unfortunately this goal is hindered by the fact that I'm lagging like a dead cat and everyone wants to kill me. At least I start an expansion pretty fast!

ground-LOBP-: ( Zerg )
Durn nice guy - generally known as a solid SC player, and a nohunters regular. Always a dependable ally, ground's <> early strat seemed to be one of a rapid tech-up, followed by the good old-fashioned powering that allows Zerg to smash their Protoss foes. To that end, he makes an extractor pretty early, and for a while he appears to be headed directly for lurkers. He also finds an expansion near the center - far away from his main, oddly enough.

Eradicate~Me: ( Protoss )
Always an . . . interesting . . . character in our little community-like thing - you either love him or you hate him, I guess ( cept for me - I just like him :O ). Here's one guy who's really improved as of late - at the expense of his girlfriend, his academics, his job, his weight and his haircut. Erad, never one of the more imaginative mofos out there, opts for a strategy of "goons, goons and wait - more goons." His aim for the game? Kill, kill, take a pepsi

GL)HF)GG)LATA: ( Protoss )
I can honestly say I didn't know who this guy is before the day this game was played. Although he's new to NH, I quickly found that this chap can hold his own against most of us "regulars." His plan for the game was to expand and consolidate, while bashing his neighbors with continual strikes. To that end, he pursues a wide variety of powerful toss ground units at the beginning of the game - zealots, goons, templar. Nice guy :[.

jImBrAdY: ( Protoss )
As soon as I saw this guy's name, I knew he had to be good. I mean, the alternating caps/normal letter title . . . a sure sign of expert sexiness. This guy was cool enough, and he was orange ( official color of the Dutch soccer team, yay ). He had some original strats - heh - and his goal was basically to tech fast and execute raids upon his nearby foes. Scouts and Zealots are his units of choice, and it's worth noting that he's the last Protoss to move for an expo.

~Nohunters: ( A.K.A. Satan'sCookies ) ( Protoss )
Always one of the friendlier yet more skilled players on NH, Cookies knows how to lay the smack down. He's been around, he's seen the sights, got the T-shirt and ruined it by spilling beer all over it. Now he's out for cruel, cold vengeance, and he's got his sights on his nearest neighbors. Zealots and goons are the units of choice, and he seems to have an early fetish for DTs, a fetish whose dark origins are better left unknown . . . .

Time for the mandatory "building up collage." I like those things. They let me get a grip on everything, so for your convenience and wastage of loading time, here it is:

Now that we got that covered, it's finally on to the game. I'd also like to mention that it's been snowing for two days straight outside. Aren't you happy you know that.

Early Game

First blood happens pretty early, when a couple of Erad's sexy goons come skittering down a ramp and run into a few scouting ‘lings. Shockingly enough, the lings get their asses busted right down to Bombay. Which is pretty far from Station Unrest.

The second battle is like a bad case of deja vu occurring in a B-Grade horror movie. A more powerful ling force comes racing into Erad's natural, and manage to do - about nothing - before some eight dragoons show up to bash them all to pieces. Needless to say, the Executor's ire is raised by all this towards his sinister Southern foe ( insert dramatic music here ) . . . .

As all this is going on, Cookies darts into GL's main and promptly raises the nexus with double dark templar. His foe curses and rages on as his proud army is cut down to size, yet just as Cookies prepares to own, another battle erupts far to the East . . . . ( should I add a picture of the dts? No. )

Erad, lusting for vengeance like a 40-year-old woman who just found her husband sleeping with the pet parrot, comes stomping down from the North with a legion of very mean-looking dragoons. I'd say about 16. Plus they're backed up by probes, which immediately begin warping cannons near Ground's main. It all looks over for the hideous Zerg cerebrate, until Cookies runs in to save the day, screaming his never-dying love for Ground. I do my best to cover my ears as the unimaginably homosexual battle between goons and dark templar erupts over the shattered Zerg base. The DTs kill their share of goons, until the goons run back to the cannons, the base raised after all, and the DTs are forced to retreat. This WP program is changing DT to Dt for me constantly. I feel like spazzing.

So, what did that accomplish for Cookies? Exactly nothing. The Zerg main is gone, so there's no hindrance to Erad's expansion there, and his DTs were recalled from GL's main, allowing that other ‘toss to warp a new nexus in the old one's stead. Not to mention getting his expansion running.

While these dramas are playing out to the Southeast, another battle rages in the Northwest. Jim's been massing . . . scouts . . . and hurls his grand fleet into my base. Unfortunately for him I'd seen this coming with a casual comsat, so the fighters are met with a rather large compliment of range-upgraded goons. It gets pretty ugly, and quite a few die before Jim pulls them away. Foolishly, I don't follow up on the victory, though my foe's main is left wide open.

To the South, knowing that Erad is now in a position to expand like a frosh coming into residence, Cookies marshals his minions and sends his army to the North. About a group of DTs and well over that number of zealots march into the yellow main, only to find a pack of goons with full cannon/observer support. Heedless, the red Commander cuts his losses and forces on, annihilating his share of goons and raping the probe line before he's pummeled to oblivion.

But Cookies is relentless, and has switched to goon production long ago. His new target? Erad's cannon defense of Ground's former main. With about two groups of dragoons he sets out, to meet a little more than a full group of goons heading South. The result? Annihilation for the yellow troops, and utter slaughter of some very homosexual cannons.

Meanwhile, as you may have noticed from the minimap, Erad decides to drop my expansion nearest him. This is not very pleasant, since my defenses are pretty light at the moment - bunker in mineral line, some turrets. Result? Some very dead marines, SCVs, and turrets. Luckily for the world as a whole, Cookies drops a reaver into the yellow expansion nearest him, utterly destroying the probe line and a couple goons in what has got to be one of the better reaver drops I've yet to see. Kinky.

Now Erad has been expanding all over his section of the map ( 4 expos ) explaining his lack of troops in fighting Cookies at the moment. Meanwhile, I've taken 2 expansions, though one has just been mangled. GL has rebuilt in a big way, seizing another expansion in addition to his natural, while Jim festers to the Northwest with only his natural. Ground lurks at the bottom of the lot, with two very small expansions to the extreme North and South of the center. WOW. Get on with the game now, Dagomar.

At this point, Cookies has taken both resource nodes near the former Zerg main, and rallies his teeming armies for a mighty strike to the North. The hammer falls at Erad's Southernmost expansion. As many as two groups of dragoons, plus a half group of zealots and a reaver in a shuttle assault both the Southern half of yellow's main and the expo, and are met by Erad's countless dragoons. The red troops are slowly pushed back into the expansion, buying time for the rearguard to obliterate it. Meanwhile, the reaver is having astonishing success, killing goon after goon with ease. Cookies wins the first round - barely - and manages to assasinate the expansion, but reinforcements from Erad end his assault and finally kill his bloodthirsty hoards.

On the minimap you'll notice another mix of colors - orange and purple. That's right folks - another battle, and this one between Jim and his purple rival. The orange commander throws a group or so of zealots and another group of scouts at GL's base. Unfortunately for him, scouts and zealots are not too great against 3527 goons, and so the entire attack force is beaten so bad that tears threaten to trickle down my face ( uh - no. ). Luckily they took a couple structures with them though.

All this makes GL a little mad, so he rallies his minions and stomps up North. There they meet a couple cannons and Jim's totally tubular natural expansion. However, flights of scouts supporting zealot legions stop the offensive with very little room to spare, barely saving the base for another day's mining.

Meanwhile, big things are happening in the South. Cookies resolves to assault Erad's main directly, with about a group of dragoons and four high templar in a shuttle. However, as the first ‘goons lay down a barrage of fire on the leading gateways, two huge yellow dragoon armies - each at least as big as their red counterpart - march into battle from the West and East. Unfortunately, high templar are rather sexy, and they initiate a storming sequence like few I've seen before. However, Erad dodges out of ever storm, and lines his dragoons in a complete circle about the red warriors. But the HTs are relentless, and quite cold-hearted, deep down inside. They storm everything in sight - including themselves, and at last not a single unit survives on either side! Despite that, however, Cookies is the obvious victor, the clash having been very cost effective for him.

One thing that might have hindered Erad's concentration was me landing two tanks on the ledge overlooking my vanquished expansion, and promptly retaking it. Soon enough the expansion is bustling once again, and far better defended.

Expecting some form of retaliation from Erad ( especially with all his bellowed threats ) I move my tanks to the side of my base bordering his now-contracting empire. Unfortunately for me, however, Jim takes this chance to attack me in an overwhelmingly massive way, hurling hoards of zealots, dark templar, archons and high templar in my general direction. The assault force takes heavy damage from a couple tanks and two very chobo bunkers before it cuts its way through and heads off into my main. However, I unseige all my tanks to the East, and rally my goliaths, while holding the attackers at bay with my first cruiser. The Protoss have the definitive advantage until my cursing tank drivers seige up towards the North, and the entire army is bashed pretty much to a pulp. Superior upgrades help as well as the orange troops are driven away, the high templar having been about as useful beauty pageant girls manning an aircraft carrier.

While I rebuild, Ground comes under the knife, with two of his budding expansions utterly sacked by the combined efforts of Cookies and Erad. That means he's down to one congregate of buildings that might conceivably be called a "main," and another few drones dropped at the extreme Southeast.

This is about when one of Cookies' observer comes bumbling down into a swirling hive of interceptors produced from about five ( gasp ) carriers that GL's been making. Deep down inside, Cookies knows that whatever SC skills he might possess are no match for the awesome power of five blimps, and so he . . . leaves. I'll leave it for the upcoming picture to mock him a little more:

That ends the early game . . . it's on to midgame :O


Erad now has the entire Eastern portion of the map for his consolidation, and his minions are completely unopposed in that entire sector. He chooses to throw his might around a bit, and drops the expansion I wrestled back from his grip, as well as Ground's sole expansion. His attack on my base is an utter disaster, but the drop on the Zerg hive cluster succeeds without a hitch.

Now it's GL's turn to play badass. He's amassed an enormous carrier fleet, and looks to be the strongest player in the game. Foolishly thinking that I ( !! ) am in a position to dominate, he sends the entire flotilla up North to ravage my bases. The ‘arbitered' armada runs in to about 20 goliaths and a couple battlecruisers, as well as some turrets and m&m. They're beat back, just as countless orange probes make a dazzling raid on my positions. Not many survive.

As this happens, Erad happens upon yet another Zerg expansion, this one fairly well established. Shocked, he sends the Southern Army to dispatch of it, post haste. He meets a couple zerglings bounding through the nydus canal. The lings are owned, the base is bashed, and Ground can't do much more then look on in dismay!

Then the carriers return in full force, their shields back up and their interceptors rarring to go. Unfortunately for them they find that I now have a very significant BC fleet ( about 7 ) and a very good number of goliaths, not to mention science vessels with EMP. The assault is determined and pretty devastating, yet GL loses faith in his big ships and pulls back yet again. This is where I make a critical mistake - pursuing the fleeing carriers with my cruiser fleet. The goliaths that were supposed to support the pursuit get stuck in the remaining tanks and so seven cruisers attempt to defeat nearly double their number of carriers. An EMP helps them out, and many carriers do go down in a blaze of glory. Yet it's not enough and every last cruiser is mopped up - destroying my hopes of coming into superpower status in the game. It's pretty tragic - feel free to cry.

Seeing his chance, GL now throws his ships back into battle, thinking that my defenses have been crippled at last. However, during the battle I'd built another thicket of turrets, and my goliaths are pretty pissed at the loss of the cruisers. The result is that the carriers are repulsed for the third and final time, and go off to find greener pastures.

No sooner have the carriers disappeared into the cold void of space then masses of yellow dragoons from the East and smash my retaken expansion. I move what tanks I have left to repel what I believe to be a huge new attack, yet the assault never comes. I found out why in the replay.

GL, finally realizing that Erad is the one to be feared. Who'll win in this clash of titans remains to be seen, yet the carriers certainly do win the first round, annihilating countless goons from their advantageous positions out in space, and bashing the expansion like a Jamaican banana man clobbering LuckyNewbie. The Carriers dart out and away when a massive new wave of dragoons washed into the base, only to return again from the South. Although about a dozen goons are slaughtered, the carriers are forced away by their concentrated fire - passing directly over Ground's new expansion! Since the carriers are on move orders, they don't fire, and pass by before the macroing GL has time to notice! It's worth noting that the arbiter has been shot down, btw.

Erad knows that if he stays on the defensive, the carriers will have all the advantage of maneuverability and dash form expansion to expansion, razing each to the ground before his dragoons have time to respond. Hence, he resolves that his only option for survival is to attack GL directly, hoping he can force the carriers to fight in the open. It's a fairly desperate move, since on a map like this there's plenty of ledges to hover over.

However, GL coopoerates perfectly. His carriers attempt to rebuff the hoards of attacking goons with some zealot help over a bridge, but end up having to retreat in disarray, killing only a half-dozen goons.

While all this is going on, Jim decides to attack me with everything he's got left - namely, about a group of archons. As I establish a new expansion in the center of the map, he hurls the big psionic entities at my defenses. My tanks are off to the East defending against a possible Erad attack, and I didn't have the resources to build back my once formidable defenses to the West. Hence, all that's left to defend are a couple marines, about 2 or three goliaths, a science vessel and a battlecruiser. Both of us found out, however, that EMP is a real bitch against archons. Two of those later, and my pathetic little platoon managed to annihilate all but three archons, in what must be the most cost-effective battle I've ever seen. I whooped with joy, and planned my sinister revenge. You can almost imagine me rubbing my hands together while black fans swirl overhead and knives line the walls.

A few minutes later I return with nine tanks, supported by a few SCVs and some goliaths. This force sweeps into Jim's main, losing two of their number to high templar and archons. However, all efforts are to no avail, and the entire base is pillaged quickly and efficiently. I move out as quickly as I came, agreeing to leave the embattled Protoss a single expansion while he went next door and chatted it up with some girl ( seriously ). He's pretty much dead, so let's call this his FALL ( dum Dum DUM )

Back to the South, when Erad starts slicing into GL's main things become a little intolerable for the purple commander. Reluctantly he throws the remnants of his once mighty fleet back into battle, only to meet some two groups of goons without any ledging or arbiter support. The results are obvious: complete and utter ownage. As in, "thanks for coming out, enjoy the trip home, don't kill yourself or anything" type of ownage.

The yellow dragoons rip through GL's Southern bases, and soon enough advance regiments trample up the ramp leading to his rows of stargates. There they find a rebuilt carrier flotilla waiting for them, and are quickly annihilated. Ever more goons storm up the ramp, however, and soon enough the carriers begin to crumple and fall, one by one. As they fleet buckles and breaks, three manage to escape and thunder off to the east, their purpose unknown.

Their aim immediately becomes clear as their interceptors scream down on my bustling little expansion to the center ( one of the few remaining in the game ). The Command Center quickly explodes ( all GL can say is "sorry, I needed that" ), yet I see at last my chance for final revenge for my cruiser fleet. Seven or eight wraiths, this time, scream in upon the big blimps as they go to meet their doom battling dragoons, and slaughter the carriers one by one. As his fleet is downed at last, GL goes and joins Cookies and Jim in that big long lineup in the sky. GJ to him, he played like a man - even if a slightly homosexual one ;).

Alright, time for the End Game. Hopefully this won't be as long as I fear, my fingers are really hurting by now and my bird is screaming at me. Stupid bird.

End Game

The showdown is pretty obvious. Erad's dragoons are already stomping up through Jim's base. I line up whatever defenses I have left, as sweat drips down my forehead - probably because my mom just turned up the thermostat to 27 degrees celsius. I don't like heat :(.

That's when it happens. About two groups of dragoons slam into my tank line to the West, while another half dozen rip into my base from the East. I immediately deploy my wraiths to cut down the detectionless ‘goons to the East, smashing those in quick order. My 7 tanks buckle to the immense pressure in the West, but they attack goons over a bridge, so things are not as bad as they could be. SCVs repair the tanks while the fighters scream in, dodging, turning, firing and dodging back again, absorbing ‘goon fire while the tanks do the real damage. When all's said and done only two tanks and a number of wraiths remain - yet Erad, with next to no income, is now in very bad shape. He rallies whatever forces he has and sends them my way, as I construct two battlecruisers out of the resources from what is now two mining bases. If I can survive the next attack, I'll be in a pretty advantageous position . . . .

Now Ground decides to make his presence felt. He launches a zergling drop on my central expansion, and destroys any SCVs I have there in quick succession. I lift my CC and counter with wraiths and an SV, quickly smashing the overlords and slicing apart the burrowed zerglings. Shockingly enough, burrowing stuff doesn't work to well when your foe has SVs hovering about :P.

Of course, it's never that easy. Dragoons race in from the East, and I'm left to defend against them with whatever scattered units I can find. The battle is small but vicious, and in the end I'm left with no more than two wraiths an SV and two goliaths as my total army!

Ground decides to spice things up yet again, and hits me with three guardians at my natural, while bashing me with a similar force at the central expo. I slaughter the guards at my nat. with double, matrixed goliaths, while ravaging those at the central base with the 2 wraiths. Unfortunately for me, the CC is infested just in time, and I cant destroy it before it reaches the safety of nearby spores. Oh well :(.

Then the real assault hits. Zealots come charging in from the West, this time, supported by a single dragoon. I stall for time by sending SCVs supported by medics and whatever I have left out to dodge and fight the attackers, and am pretty successful - both cruisers rise from the starports at the same time, obviously more than a match for the lone dragoon. With one base still mining, and both my foes drained of resources or working expansions, I figure my chances are good to win the game. That's until my computer freezes, and I'm brutally kicked out of the game by some cursed bug. I spazz, yet even in my absence the game rages on. In that great lineup in the sky, I'm met by a limo, whisked through the gates and treated like a VIP - it's a lottery thing we have in Canada.

Great, this report is too long, and I have to make a new section. Raters, plz don't read this section, but do continue on to the next! :)

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