Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it is now time for yet another DivvyO report. Time has passed, people have aged, hawk has left (presumably forever). So what is there to do? Why, make with some hot hot FFA action, of course!|
Oh, but no no, this can't be any old FFA. This report is special, and like Chairman Kaga demands a special secret ingredient for every episode of Iron Chef, this report demands something ... fancy. Something ... unique. Something ...
So here's the situation. Battle Royale is everyone's favorite movie that hasn't been seen yet. In this movie, 42 Japanese schoolchildren are thrown onto an island with only food, water, a map, a compass, and one COMPLETELY RANDOM WEAPON. You may get a shotgun, you may get boxing gloves. You just didn't know until you opened up your bag.
I wanted to capture the spirit of this for my report, so I painstakingly hand crafted (spent 10 minutes on) a simple re-creation of a map that captured the spirit of Battle Royale.
As you can see, this is probably one of the least symmetric maps ever. One start point is on an island. One is surrounded by resources, while another only has 5 mineral patches to its name. Two start points are right next to each other.
Now, time for the rules:
- This is a FFA, anything goes. (duh)
- Not only were alliances allowed in this game, but they were encouraged.
- Only one person can win this game. No "oh look, Cletus and I are going to elope, we have to win this game together" crap.
Alright, rules are taken care of, let's bring on the students/competitors/whatever:
AciDiC-FroSt: Someone who I haven't heard too much of, most likey due to my complete and total lack of visiting the site lately. He chose teal protoss.
Wangsonn: Ah, the gentle Wang. Boy, aren't there just times where you wonder what would happen in a world with no Wang? He chose protoss and he got them with a lovely blue color.
The.Confessor: We all know Confessor, right? Okay, with that part out of the way, we can tell you how he chose protoss and got a flamboyant purple colored tribe.
ZacharyYoung: Who the hell is this guy? He's not a regular that I know of, so I just don't care. It just gives me reason to swipe another picture. Zach went random and got white protoss.
FD-Dagger: Another person I don't know about, but hey, she says she's female. Now that there's a girl, there won't be any nad-scratching or prancing around in briefs activity in this report, no sir. And no sex jokes. None of those. No slut-fucking way, no sir.
Okay, those are the players ... here comes the minimap! WOOO!
Let's begin with some general build orders. Since it's a new map, everyone tends to start exploring with their peons/overlords rather early. Dagger finds out really quickly that she's on an island. Frost finds out even quicker that his main has only 5 mineral patches. Like I said, everything is kinda random and finding yourself on low ground with 5 mineral patches is quite the short end of the random stick.
Fortunately for Frost, nobody is working on a 6 pool or dual 7 gate or anything else equally stupid for a FFA. In an odd turn of luck, the scouting probes from both Zach and Fessor come across Frost's pathetic, 5 mineral patch main. After giving their token greetings, they head off to parts unknown.
Frost noticed "hey, these people are funny! I can be funny, too!" and thrown his own into the mix. Sadly, he gets burned. Burned hard. Very very hard. Burned with the fury of a billion billion suns and Mr.Clean's forehead.
This builds hatred in young Frost's mind, and he uses that very same hatred later on. And no, not later on when he's 69ing his girlfriend, but later on in game.
Enough of this trash talk, it is time for seeing what has unfolded for our players! First to expand was Wang, to the spot directly below his start. He seems to have built a smattering of cannons, but that's about it. Off in the island, Dagger is starting to work on a tech towards mutas. Zach also begins an expo at his natural, and has a 2 zealot pimp squad to back him up. If Zach attacked Frost right now, chances are that those zealots would turn his entire base into a pasty mush, as Frost is climbing up the tech tree whatever way he can. A teal Citadel of Adun is warping in and Frost appears to be going for templar due to his relative lack of minerals.
The best of these, however, has to be Fessor, who has built a well balanced force of a zealot, a dragoon, a probe, and a pylon, and puts them in defense of his base at the only ramp he has. Sadly, Fessor doesn't know about the gapingly large backdoor he has left open. Also sadly, Wang doesn't exploit it, because cannons don't walk up through backdoors. ^^;
OK OK time for FIGHTING ACTION KUNG FU WAR WAR KILL DEATH RAPE. In fact, I will give it it's own chapter.
FIGHTING ACTION KUNG FU WAR WAR KILL DEATH RAPE
The first move comes from Frost, who decides to go for Dark Templar. The lonely warrior slices up ... uh ... absolutely nothing, because it gets to Fessor's one well defended ramp. It gives me the excuse to make ANIMATED GIF ACTION, however, so here you go:
Meanwhile, Frost also begins expanding to the lower right. He fails to somehow notice that Wang is already starting work on a smattering of cannons to stop the expansion. Why doesn't Frost realize this? Was he getting head from his girlfriend? Was he trying to determine how many licks are needed to get to the delicious tootsie roll center of the G spot? The world ... may never know.
In fact, all Wang has been building are cannons. That's it. Is he doing a tribute to Bob, or simply being a FEEF? The world ... may still never know.
Meanwhile, craftiness was afoot and the foot belonged to Wang. Cannons were starting to surround Frost's expansion and they were inching closer by the second. Every time Frost would try to send forces to save the expo, they would be spanked by the cannon/pylon combo at the top of his very own ramp. Whatever shall Frost do? Why, call in an alliance, that's what he'll do!
The Pauser and the ... uh ... Unpauser
Well, Frost sure is the man now, dog. He has his expansion up thanks to Dagger's mutas (and some unseen help from one of Zach's reavers), and things seem to be going his way. Wang still also has things relatively in check as well, as he has his cannons surrounding his main as well as a small military force. But then -- DUN DUN DUNNNNNN -- the UNEXPLAINABLE happened. Wang's mom called and told him to get his ass off the computer to help with the groceries. Was it really for groceries? Or was it for some incest-filled joy of butt sex? The world ... may never hear me stop doing this "the world may never know" crap. Let's see what happens...
Yep, those nine overlords full of cracklings went off and took Wang's main, then followed up with his expansion. Frost didn't even lift a finger to help in the destruction he probably orchestrated, lazy bastard. Wang was eliminated and about a minute and a half later, left the game.
Hey, we haven't heard from those other two sexy participants of the report lately. Let's take a look and see what they've been up to.
Zach has been focusing on finding resources and placing nexuses near them. This is what we call "expansion whoring like a dirty dirty whore". Usually in a FFA you get caught doing this and get completely spanked by your oponent. Here, however, Zach didn't get seen at all. His base count is now at 5.
Fessor, on the other hand, is trying his luck with those most rambunctious of spellcasters, the Dark Archon. Probably because of the little purple swirlies that they have. I wonder if he knows that he's playing a 3v1 right now ...
Gee Chapter Something was Short
So it's Frost, Zach, and Dagger, all with a total of about 8 bases, versus Fessor's two. Little did the three realize that Fessor had in his hands the untapped power of the mighty red swirly dudes.
Zach decides to make the first strike against Fessor, sending a fleet of goons up his ramp. The force was met with a conga line of Dark Archons however, and 5 goons were convinced to fight for the rebellion (sometimes I think the Dark Archons just show these guys their boobs). All the others either died, or ran home like sissy little bitches.
Zach also was planning some devious little trickery, and that devious little trickery was in the form of a single shuttle carrying a single reaver on it's way to Dagger's single base to rape her in her single butthole. Zach believed that he could perform a reaver pop and destroy the entire main (none of Dagger's forces had any anti air, unless the overlords could somehow taunt the shuttle into oblivion), but alas, he staged the attack at the same as the push onto Fessor, and the reaver was plinked into oblivion, but only after spanking about a half dozen drones and about a half million zerglings.
After sucessfully retaliating against the dragoon strike from Zach, Fessor expands to Wang's old main, because hey, you can't get enough resources. A lone zergling is the only Zerg left behind ever since Wang was trounced and it was easily dispatched by Fessor's goons. This particular ling, however, was a Chicano Ling named Paco, and his extended extended family took to their four low-riding overlords and laid some smack down on the still-forming base.
Mere seconds later, Zach begins to meander another force together, this one consisting of zealots, goons, templar, and a lone reaver for good luck. They begin their way up the ramp, numbers too great for Fessor to mind control. It looks like Zach is going to land his first confirmed kill when suddenly -- DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN ...
CHAPTER ANNE BANCROFT IS RATHER SEXY
Frost Gets Some Carriers Up In This Piece
That's right boys and girls, Frost has pulled the all too familiar to FFAs Carrier card, and mixes it up with the Backstabbing card for some good old fashioned Jewish Justice (ok ok so he's probably not Jewish, but hey, the name's catchy).
Frost's carriers make their way to Zach's expansion (flying peacefully over his main, first), and lay their swarm of pain out onto the poorly defended expo. Forces attacking Fessor immediately retreat to counter this threat, but at the same time, Dagger drops her lings on the same expansion. Yes, make no mistakes about it, this base is fucked.
Zach does manage to eventually run his forces down to his now smoldering expansion, where only some gateways and pylons remain. The goons and zeals manage to take out all of the zerglings, while the templar smack down about 5 carriers before turning into little templar fartclouds.
This time Fessor tries to get an expansion going in Wang's start spot again and is sucessful due to everyone's military force being either dead or on lots of life support and tasty IV drips. Dagger takes over the spot at 9 where the expansion was razed and Zach just kinda fidgets with his probes. And when I say "fidgets with his probes" I mean "mind controls my lone observing SCV because he looked at him funny."
CHAPTER TOO MANY DAMN CHAPTERS
Will Terran Be in this FFA, Too?
Normally, I'd ban, kick, and poop on someone blatantly stealing my SCV and using it for their own twisted means, but hey, I said anything goes, and dems da berries. Zach starts building his new terran base in an odd area between his main in the center of the map and his expo in the bottom left.
Speaking of the botom left expo, Frost (that backstabbing idle-killing little ass-stain) was testing out his new-found arbiter tech by attempting to turn the base into dust. Some templar got ahold of the carrier forces, however, and Frost wound up turning his tail between his legs, despite the cliff advantage and the arbiter and the probe that somehow managed to sneak in there. Hello, Mister Probe!
P.S.: The arbiter managed to cast a stasis field during the fight. What did it wind up capturing? A lone interceptor. BULLSEYE!!
What will happen next? Will Zach continue his expansion? Will Wang still be dead? Find out ... in PART TWO !!