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- CrackHeadJeb

A battlereport starring JewMarket
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Date: 09/29/01 07:09
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 8.0, # of Ratings: 5, Max: 9, Min: 7
Lifetime Rating for CrackHeadJeb: 8.9556

There was some confusion last report of where exactly I obtained the background. I apologize, this disarray was caused by my failings as a person. I atoned for this by repeatedly flogging myself and vowing that this atrocity will never happen again. Here is where you can download this fine background:

I apologize in advance to all of the people I owe battlereports. A game with a player named JewMarket takes battlereporting precedence over any other game.

proceed at your own risk

CornStore - poa

WeedStore - cornstore's slightly mischievous brother

JewMarket - cornstore's evil nephew, thrice removed

T_mac - author of the greatest battlereport ever

testosterone - male hormone

(bowie)Iggy - punk masta

SyncMaster_6Ne - i don't know but with a name like syncmaster he's probably going to die

64*64 8 player map.  note the expansions

Good Manner Gaming at its Finest

Almost everyone built conservatively to survive a rush. Testosterone and JewMarket 9-pooled, T_mac and CornStore went 8 Barracks and 9 Depot, SyncMaster_6Ne warped in a Pylon and Gateway at 7, and (bowie)Iggy hatched an Overlord and pooled at 12.

WeedStore wanted nothing to do with T_mac, however. He 6-pooled and sent his initial zerglings to him before T_mac could construct any bunkers. Six zerglings snake their way through T_mac's structures and charge toward the one marine there. In a normal game, T_mac probably would have been able to hide has marine behind his SCVs, but the lag prevented him from properly microing. The marine falls and SCVs are forced to destroy the remaining zerglings. WeedStore refused to accept failure, though, and sent 6 more zerglings and his only 6 drones to finish the job.

totel hak

While WeedStore sent his second wave of zerglings, Testosterone sent his first six zerglings to the powering (bowie)Iggy. They met up with a creep colony, a hatchery, a spawning pool, and drones. The zerglings attacked the morphing creep colony, and (bowie)Iggy surrounded them with his drones. Testosterone quickly pulled out after razing the creep colony, but he still lost half of his zerglings. He tried going back in (bowie)Iggy's main to harass more drones, but (bowie)Iggy had zerglings by now, and Testosterone limped back to his main with one zergling. After his successful defensive stand, (bowie)Iggy promptly disconnected.

Meanwhile, T_mac was amazingly fighting off WeedStore's second wave of zerglings and drones. WeedStore reluctantly spent his remaining minerals on zerglings and finally forced T_mac to lift off his Command Center and burning Barracks. WeedStore won the victory that he set out to win, so he sent his remaining 10 zerglings and 4 drones to attack Testosterone instead of trying to mine again. This didn't do much direct damage, though, as Testosterone had a sunken colony in the perfect position behind his spawning pool.

weedstore is definitely on something

During this commotion, though, JewMarket morphed in a sunken colony at the northern end of his main before Testosterone could spot it. This could reach Testosterone's two rightmost mineral patches, and he was forced to mine with only four drones.

T_mac quietly landed his Command Center and repaired his Barracks with a new SCV at this time.

T_mac's Revenge

WeedStore took observer status since he had no more minerals or units. Everyone visioned him, and WeedStore was shocked to find out that T_mac was still alive.

WeedStore: OMFG
WeedStore: TMAC
WeedStore: ISNT DEAD
WeedStore: OMFG
WeedStore: OMFG
WeedStore: OMFG
WeedStore: OMFG
WeedStore: OMFG
SyncMaster_6Ne: haha
WeedStore: SOMEONE
T_mac: whyd I vis u
WeedStore: GO KILL
WeedStore: TMAC
T_mac: u stuipd fucking bitch

T_mac was saved by collective indifference. CornStore quietly climbed up the tech tree, Testosterone hatched 12 zerglings and sent those and his drones to JewMarket in an attempt to destroy that pesky creep colony (also because JewMarket was far ahead of him in tech, currently morphing a spire), JewMarket was busy expanding in the empty observer main, and Metal, err...., SyncMaster_6Ne was busy begging CornStore not to siege a tank in his base.

Testosterone's zerglings and drones charge into JewMarket's main. They fought a valiant fight, but they couldn't fight their way through the other three sunken colonies in front of the problem sunken.

Testosterone opts to go shower since, like WeedStore, he didn't have any minerals or units.

JewMarket hatched mutalisks after the attack and sent them around the map. They eventually followed SyncMaster_6Ne's zealots to SyncMaster_6Ne's main to find shuttles, reavers, and zealots. Three mutalisks kill all of the mineral-mining probes, and SyncMaster_6Ne's had to send all of his reavers and zealots to JewMarket's main to distract JewMarket long enough to build a photon cannon. The zealots and reaver manage kill a few drones and destroy two sunken colonies before the mutalisks return and pummel them.

no anti air in 10 minutes is thx

hahahahtehhmstynu44 utjrofl

It was time for T_mac to get revenge on WeedStore. A pimp squad of one marine and three SCVs proceed toward WeedStore's main and open fire on his Hatchery and Spawning Pool.

WeedStore: omfg
WeedStore: OM OB
WeedStore: S
WeedStore: OBS
WeedStore: MANNER
WeedStore: IM OBS
CrackHeadJeb: haha
WeedStore: AMNNER
WeedStore: IM OBS
WeedStore: CHIT
WeedStore: HAX
WeedStore: MANER
WeedStore: of course
WeedStore: =[
T_mac: die bitch
WeedStore: MANNER
WeedStore: OMG
WeedStore: PLZ
WeedStore: DONT
CrackHeadJeb: gg
WeedStore was eliminated.
WeedStore has left the game.

The Plot Thins

CornStore and JewMarket were in the best shape at this point, since CornStore hasn't been bothered all game and JewMarket has an fully-operational expansion in the bottom right corner of the map. SyncMaster_6Ne and T_mac, on the other hand, were in serious trouble. Losing all of his probes to mutalisks really hurt SyncMaster_6Ne. Too add (unintended) insult to injury, CornStore sieged up a tank by his Command Center and destroyed SyncMaster_6Ne's Robotics Support Bay. He also grabbed (bowie)Iggy's old expansion in the northeastern corner to match production with JewMarket.

T_mac was in more serious trouble. JewMarket placed a sunken at his expansion that was able to reach T_mac's SCVs. T_mac hastily started a bunker below his mineral line, but JewMarket flew in with his mutalisks and eradicated the marines and SCVs. T_mac floated his Command Center and Barracks northward, he really had nowhere to go at this point.

Meanwhile, SyncMaster_6Ne tried to drop a reaver behind the minerals at JewMarket's expansion. He failed, though, as he was unable to click on a spot unobstructed by my floating Command Center. Mutalisks quickly descend upon the shuttle and shoot it down. My bad.

zileas wouldn't be proud

Beaten up and destitute, T_mac pleaded with CornStore to give him shelter.

T_mac: help me oh mighty savior
T_mac: ive made 12 units all game

(dramatization, conversation may not have happened)

CornStore, out of the kindness of his heart, let T_mac land his buildings by his structures outside of WeedStore's old main.

Things got worse for SyncMaster_6Ne. JewMarket's mutalisks continued to periodically fly in and kill a few probes and CornStore's siege tanks migrated away from his command center and got in the range of more of SyncMaster_6Ne's structures.

JewMarket stopped picking on metal and flew his mutalisks around to see if he could deal any damage to CornStore. They fly around counterclockwise and find that CornStore recently expanded to (bowie)Iggy's old main in the upper right corner. The SCVs there are destroyed before marines and irradiate drive them off.

CornStore countered by moving 4 tanks, a science vessel, and a handful of marines and medics outside of JewMarket's main. The tanks siege up and begin firing on the outer colonies. The row of buildings behind them: a Spawning Pool, Queen's Nest, and Greater Spire.

'Greater Spire, what does that building do?  hum, dum de dum dum dum.'

Yes, JewMarket was morphing six Guardians at his expansion while this began. They swoop in and annihilate the attacking force after the Spawning Pool and Greater Spire falls, suffering only one loss from an irradiate.

T_mac offers his vote of confidence to CornStore.


The guardians are sent northward to take care of CornStore once and for all. They descend on CornStore's helpless group of infantry when.... one wraith arrives on the scene. The wraith splatters one guardian.... and the others retreat back to JewMarket's main. They retreat to the protective beacon of.... a sunken colony. Bemusedly, CornStore sends his group of infantry in to finish off JewMarket's main.

CornStore sieges up his group of tanks outside of JewMarket's expansion, and finishes him off. This is more or less the end of the game. SyncMaster_6Ne had another expansion attempt that failed so miserably that it wasn't worth mentioning. Also, CornStore destroyed all of T_mac's structures, which I guess is amusing.

Winner: CornStore in 22 minutes and 26 seconds

Link to replay:


yeah, yeah, sorry for making you download an image of Jeb Bush.  I'll get a better ending pic some day

This is a CrackHeadJeb production.

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