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"Kicking ass and taking names"

Confessions of The.Confessor
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Date: 08/26/01 01:08
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 8.8, # of Ratings: 5, Max: 9, Min: 8
Lifetime Rating for CrackHeadJeb: 8.9556

Yes, I did say I was going to stop battlereporting.

I'm not going to bore you with reasons why I decided to write again, though. Just move your cursor on this, and bask in DrAwesome's infinite wisdom.

these guys played this game in 1992

I'm not sure what led up to these people playing, but it probably consisted of me spamming Testosterone on AIM.

Player Introductions:

Testosterone has been in my last four battlereports. Why is he featured in this one?

a)He is a solid macro player who rarely makes fundamental mistakes.
b)It's no fluke that he is #1 in report rating average. Testosterone combines humorous writing with his Photoshop and Flash prowess. It's unfortunate that Geocities kokked his first four reports here, but it's definitely worth it to save the reports to your hard drive.

The.Confessor is an old school member of ~nohunters, so I wasn't sure what to put here. Luckily, Fox^1 was willing to take time off his busy schedule to help me out here.

"Confessor: The man, the Myth, the legend, or the man you have no idea about. Confessor is old school reporter. Back in the day his race of choice was toss, he was an ok player back then. Today however is much different. He doesn't report but he does play.. and well. His race of choice is always terran, he's really blossomed into a good player. So we will forgive him for the bizzare gif he has at the end of each of his reports." - Fox^1

The game was played on The Lost Temple-Crezio. A familiar battlefield, with the exception of an annoying buzzer every five minutes that shattered the nerves of fellow observer lizardking'.

Quite possibly the bestest version of Lost Temple in the whole wide world.

Early game:

The.Confessor, sticking with the adage "Knowledge is Power", sends his fifth probe clockwise to scout out his opponent. Testosterone's overlord is soon found hovering over The.Confessor's main, though, destroying the recon advantage that The.Confessor wanted to obtain.

Knowing where Testosterone is, The.Confessor redirected his scouting probe to the 6 o'clock main and proceeded with building and mining. He built a Pylon and two Gateways while waiting for his scout to get to its destination.

Testosterone spawned an overlord at 8/9 supply. He created another drone and saved up 300 minerals for another Hatchery. The.Confessor's scouting probe arrived and harassed various drones before falling back to the 6 o'clock ramp.

Testosterone starts to spawn an 11th drone, but cancels it quickly. He opts to build a Spawning Pool at 10/17 supply with the information being fed to him by his initial overlord. Two more drones hatch, and Testosterone begins morphing an Extractor under the watching eye (?sensor) of The.Confessor's scouting probe.

lizardking' called this before it happened.  lizardking' > Miss Cleo

Testosterone chases off the probe and begins to hatch zerglings from both of his Hatcheries. The.Confessor's first zealot arrives at the 6 o'clock ramp and holds the ramp there with the scouting probe. They don't hold the ramp for long, though. Zerglings gather at the top of the ramp and scare away the probe. They proceed to trap the zealot and tear him up while it confusedly spins back and forth.

The two zealots that arrive at the ramp quickly retreat back to 9 o'clock. Testosterone just started to upgrade zergling speed, but his slow zerglings still manage to pursue and catch one of them. He does not continue on to 9 o'clock, as he knows that four zealots are holding the ramp there.

Mid game:

The.Confessor had an Assimilator and Cybernetics Core after these events. He began warping in a Citadel of Adun for the versatile templar and the Zealot Speed Upgrade. Testosterone, on the other hand, did not want to be bothered with trivial things like teching. He began morphing a Hatchery at the 6 o'clock natural. Also, 22 speedy zerglings (upgrade just kicked in now) were stationed north of the Temple in the center of the map.

The.Confessor and Testosterone quietly continue to build up. The.Confessor warps in a Forge and a Templar Archives, while Testosterone morphs in a Hydralisk Den. When his Forge warps in, The.Confessor invests in attack upgrades for his ground troops. Soon, all hell will break loose.

The.Confessor sends seven zealots and two dragoons toward 6 o'clock. He sent a probe in advance to discover that Testosterone's 6 o'clock main and natural were, with the exception of one sunken colony apiece, defenseless.

The zealots and dragoons blitz the 6 o'clock natural and shred apart the Hatchery and Sunken Colony there. At this point, The.Confessor discovered where Testosterone's forces were.

Two zealots were left to hold The.Confessor's 9 o'clock ramp. The 22 zerglings that were north of the Temple attempt to bust through this defense. One zealot withdraws from the ramp, and the zerglings stream past them. The zealots are destroyed and the probe that attempted to warp in Pylons and Photon Cannons at the top of the ramp is torn apart into metallic shreds.

What's weird is when the 5 minute ding occurs in this map, only 3 1/2 minutes have elapsed.  Ooohhh, spooky. (by spooky, I mean retarded)

A dark templar jumps out of a Gateway and threatens to stop the attack. While The.Confessor was occupied with attacking, however, an overlord quietly hovered to the northern end of his main. The dark templar hastily goes back to Aiur, and The.Confessor is left wondering what happened to it. The zerglings proceed to destroy the structures on the northern end of The.Confessor's main. Gateways and Pylons fall while The.Confessor frantically warps in Photon Cannons by the mineral line.

Testosterone had problems of his own, of course. The zealots and dragoons that eradicated his expansion continued to his main. The protoss force skirted Testosterone's main to the east and harassed drones. The.Confessor wouldn't let his force get surrounded by drones and newly-hatched zerglings. Testosterone did not suffer many drone casualties, either, as The.Confessor couldn't micro his own forces due to the carnage in his own base. After the zealots and dragoons fall, Testosterone upgrades his Hatchery to a Lair.

karate drones

Meanwhile, zerglings continue to roam around The.Confessor's main. One Photon Cannon managed to warp in below the nexus, and The.Confessor had to build more in the protection radius of it (while protecting the original one with his probes). After losing his initial two Gateways, several Pylons, a few probes, and his Assimilator, a dark templar finally kills the remaining zerglings.

karate probes

Testosterone didn't lose any structures, but he did lose some crucial mining time. Fearing that he didn't get the best of that exchange, he began hydralisk production while researching Overlord Transport and Lurker Aspect.

The.Confessor also lost mining time, but he let his mineral reserves rise above 1000. He began warping in a Robotics Facility and placed a Pylon and Nexus at the 9 o'clock natural. His +1 weapon upgrades just completed, as well. The.Confessor paid for +2 weapon upgrades and Dragoon Range upgrade immediately after the upgrade.

Testosterone's overlord spotted The.Confessor's expansion. Testosterone decided to recreate his expansion at the 6 o'clock natural to match The.Confessor's resource intake. He also attempted to hit The.Confessor's main again. His overlord transport upgrade completes when he morphs two lurkers. The lurkers are loaded in the land strip between the 6 o'clock and 9 o'clock plateaus, and are slowly transported to The.Confessor's main.

The.Confessor reacts to the drop by beginning to warp in an Observatory by his mineral line. The lurkers react by merrily burrowing in front of it. The Observatory is cancelled and is built again half a screen length to the east. Testosterone allows this to be built, though, because he was focusing on another lurker drop.

Another lurker was burrowed outside of The.Confessor's 9 o'clock natural expansion. The spotting overlord overlooking the expansion slowly creeps its way to the lurker, picks it up, and drops it on the plateau overlooking the expansion.

The.Confessor gets an observer and kills the two lurkers in his main. Testosterone's cliff lurker manages to kill 9 probes before getting stormed twice at his expansion in the meantime, since there was a greater concentration of probes since most probes from The.Confessor's main retreated to the expansion during the lurker drop on the main.

wallet-sized action shots for your inconvenience

Testosterone's drops proved to be disruptive, so The.Confessor tried one of his own. He shuttled two dragoons to the plateau overlooking the 6 o'clock expansion. They drive away the drones there and effectively shut down the expansion for the first two minutes of its existence. A lurker is brought there to fend off the high-ground dragoons, but by now, The.Confessor begins to warp in another expansion at the second 9 o'clock natural.

The.Confessor sends an expeditionary force of eleven zealots to the 3 o'clock and 12 o'clock mains and expansions, looking for more zerg expansions. Everything is empty, with the exception of a lone zergling at 12 o'clock. With the apparent splitting up of The.Confessor's forces, Testosterone sends all of his zerglings and hydralisks northward, hoping to crush this small force of zealots.

The zerglings run ahead of the hydralisks and engage the zealots. The hydralisks, though, are stopped by dragoons and zealots. Two separate skirmishes occur as a result. Neither competitor gains a real advantage, though, as The.Confessor pulls most of his army back to the mineral-only expansion at 9 o'clock.

''You can stick your well-laid plans up your well-laid ass!'' - A wise man

End game:

The.Confessor takes his full army and presses toward the middle of the map, sizing up his opponent's forces. Dragoons and zealots meet up with a comparable number of zerglings and hydralisks. The.Confessor pulls back and presses forward with a more organized army with high templar, confident that he can win a decisive battle now.

Testosterone knew he was going to lose in the open, so he withdraws to his natural's choke. He fortifies the expansion with three sunken colonies, and prepares for an attack.

Testosterone had an ace up his sleeve, though. He manages to research overlord speed, and five lurkers are loaded into overlords and are sent around the eastern side of the map to avoid detection. The overlords head due west when they get to the northern half of the map.

This should be like Starship Troopers, 3287502357 times more bugs than other dudes.  Ah, fuck, maybe the lurkers can do something.

The.Confessor's force barrels into Testosterone's expansion, slowly cutting through sunkens, zerglings, and hydralisks. While this occured, Testosterone dropped five lurkers on the 9 o'clock plateau overlooking both of The.Confessor's expansions. Three destroy ALL of the probes at The.Confessor's mineral-only, while the other two pick off more probes and the Assimilator at the 9 o'clock natural.

The.Confessor razes the zerg expansion at 6 o'clock, four dragoons and five high templar still stand. Those continue on to Testosterone's main, and reinforcement zealots are coming.

Testosterone moved a lurker from the 9 o'clock plateau to the lower ground at the 9 o'clock natural. It burrowed, and destroyed the remaining probes there, and slowly destroyed the nexus there. Now, neither player was mining at all.

Once again, these competitors prefer to not actually fight combat units with their own combat units.  Lovely. (disregard that hydralisk, he's running the hell away)

The.Confessor waits for 3 more zealots, and attacks Testosterone's main with the dragoons and templar. They encounter 8 dancing hydralisks, and 4 morphing lurker eggs. Storm was thrown around, and it eventually destroyed the hydralisks. The four lurkers attempt to stop the attack, but do not prove too effective since The.Confessor brought observers.

Testosterone spent his remaining minerals on ten zerglings, and threw then and his eight remaining drones at the three dragoons and five templar. This zerg force takes down the dragoons quickly and destroys the templar.

Now that Testosterone staved off elimination, he focused his efforts on The.Confessor's last expansion Nexus. The.Confessor spent his remaining minerals on zealots and another shuttle, in an attempt to rid himself of the lurker infestation. The zealots are dropped on the cliff lurkers, and eliminate the threat, effectively dashing Testosterone's hope of winning the game. Maybe if the lurkers on the cliff would've been supported with the lurkers at The.Confessor's first expansion (there were no more high templar), they could've survived those zealots. Testosterone did not have that kind of time, though, and this crazy game ends.

What a bad manner game.

Winner: The.Confessor, in 24 minutes and 9 seconds.


Link to replay will be provided later.


Thanks to both competitors for letting me observe and for providing an entertaining game.

Thanks to for providing this quality background for me to use.
(!@$#ing cost of free)

If you forget the above link, DivvyO also kindly posted it in the forum.

Thanks to Fox^1 for giving me something to say about The.Confessor.

Thanks to [ScV], for sparking my interest in reporting again.

Thanks to [SM]Strega~F, for doing a tribute battlereport of me. Gestures like this make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

And thanks to you, for reading.

''Back in the saddle, again.''

This is a CrackHeadJeb production.

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