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BC9: The Spore Colony
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Date: 08/11/01 08:08
Game Type: Other
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The Spore Colony

Captain Marc Fourtousky of the BC 9 (alpha company, alpha squadron of the 1st of the 5th of the 7,694th) was having one of his pants less dreams when the intercom dinged and the image of an attractive woman appeared on the far wall of his quarters. The captain had seen attractive women before, but they had all turned out to be protoss spies. He silently resolved to be careful with this one.

"Captain Fourtousky, Lieutenant Commander Kollsey reporting," the image of the woman zoomed in on her face as she spoke.

"For the love of Christ Woman, don't eat me!" the captain said diving under his desk.

"Sir, your presence is required at the bridge."

"The bridge? What is it?"

"It's the room we all meet at when something important's going on because you're afraid of the intercom, but that's not important now. We've come across a zerg structure and we need to discuss our strategy."

"Surely your captain will know what to do."

"Sir... you are our captain."

"Nonsense, there are no twenty foot tall protoss she-monsters on my ship... are there?"

"Sir, please just come to the bridge."


The image of the giant woman disappeared and the captain pulled out his tape recorder and pressed record. "Captains log: Star date, nine - seven - zero - six - zero - eight - nine - four - one - three - five - two - seven - four - nine: This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the star ship Enterprise. My adventures on this planet have proved even more dangerous than originally expected. To make matters worse my crew, many of whom are spies for the protoss, insists on calling me Mark Fourt--"

"Captain we really need you, now," the lieutenant commanders face reappeared.

"Right. Sorry."

"And Sir."

"Yes Commander?"

"Please put on some pants."

Executive officer Wie Arem was pacing back and forth across the bridge which was in fact an actual bridge which crossed the battle cruiser's bottomless pit.

"I'm telling you, he's dangerous. He's going to get us all killed. He thinks this is just a milk run, but it isn't. These zerg are ruthless. I've seen them kill with my own eyes. Well not with my own eyes.. but you guys have seen Alien 3 right?"

"Is that the one on the ship with the thing--", Chief weapons officer Basferdi started.

"Whatever, the point is he has no respect for these things and-- Jesus Christ, why didn't you tell me he was right there?"

"Whatcha guys talking about? A little motivational pep talk? Good good. What can I do for you guys?"

"Captain Fourtousky, we've come across a zerg structure ahead that appears to be dangerous. We need to decide on a course of action." Commander Arem said.

"What? We need to hide in a horse faction? Speak up, sound doesn't carry well out here," the captain said.


"He said, 'Freak pup, pound wasn't Larry sell trout beer,'" Lt. Commander Kollsey shouted.

"Oh ok."

They all congregated in the hallway back outside of the bottomless pit. "What in God's name do we have a bottomless pit on this ship for anyway," Basferdi said.

"What the hell do I look like, the nuclear physicist in charge of bottomless pits?"

"No.. who are you?" Kollsey asked.

"Err.. um.. nobody."

"He's a stowaway! And you know what we do with stowaways," the captain said. They all laughed for a while.

"What do we do with stowaways?" Arem finally said.

"I don't know," the captain answered. "Well lets go to the conference room. We can decide on a course of action there."

"Uh Sir, there is no conference room on this ship."

"Really? What is there?"

"Lets see, there's a Denny's, an ice skating rink, a miniature golf course, two bowling alleys, a four star Italian restaurant--"

"Do they serve chicken prima vera?"

"Yes its quite good. You should try it some time."

"Is there any place where we can meet?"

"Well there are several conference rooms."

The officers sat around the table in the conference room with the captain at the head and a large computer display opposite.

"Aren't we going awfully fast?" Kollsey asked.

"Yes, we would be except that, this is a screen saver."

"Computer," Lieutenant Frak Tulava said, "can you identify the zerg structure that is posing a threat to our ship?"

A middle aged balding man appeared on the screen wearing glasses and snorting a line of cocaine off of the back of his hand. "What?"

"Computer, can you identify the zerg structure that is posing a threat to our ship?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you people? Can't you do anything yourselves? 'Computer can you identify this', 'Computer can you tell us where we are,' 'Computer open the pod bay doors.' You know I have a name."

"JV 5000, can you identify the zerg structure that is posing a threat to our ship?"

"Fuck you," the computer said before reverting to the screen saver.

"Isn't there another computer?"

"Shut up, nobody. You're lucky we didn't jettison you in the last scene." Wie Arem said.

"I knew we did something with stowaways." Marc said.

"No wait," Lt Tulava said, "I think there is another computer. Computer, load Shockwave XP"

A young hip looking kid appeared on the screen. "Welcome to Sh-Sh-Sh-Sh-Shockwave XP edition, the battle cruiser operating system with an attitude, rat-a-tat-tat."

"Computer, can you identify the zerg structure that is posing a threat to our ship?"

"Would you like to make Shockwave your default operating system now?"

"Err... no."

"Would you like to be asked this question again in the future?"

"Errr.. no, I mean yes, I mean just answer my question please."

"Analyzing... analyzing... Match found. Structure identified. Structure is zerg structure, zerg spore colony. Threat: high."

"So," the captain said, "since it’s a spore colony we should... do... yeah Frak?"

"Computer, what do you suggest we do about this spore colony?"

"Analyzing... analyzing... I'm sorry, an illegal operation has been detected. Please contact your hardware vend--" Shockwave was cut short by JV 5000's left hook.

"Shut up you stupid punk!"

"JV 5000, what do you suggest we do about this spore colony?" Lt. Tulava said.

The image of JV's middle finger was replaced by the letters FU tumbling in 3D space.

"Isn't there another computer?" nobody said.

"Hey wait a minute.. isn't there a yamato cannon on this thing?" Basferdi said.

"Yeah, lets do that!" Captain Marc said.

"Fire the yamato cannon." Basferdi said.

"Fire the yamato cannon." Arem said.

"Fire the yamato cannon." Fourtousky said.

"Fire the yamato cannon." nobody said.

"Shut up nobody!"

"So... did we kill it? Is it gone?" the captain asked.

"Kill what?" Basferdi said.

"The zerg structure.. the spore colonial or whatever the hell it is."

"What zerg structure?"

"What the hell did you just fire on?"

"Umm... hold on." Basferdi put his finger to his ear, "yes... no... how the hell should I know... hehehehehe yeah that was a riot... no I don't think that makes you look fat--"


"Hold on..."


"One sec..."

"Basferdi we don't have ear pieces."


After getting back to head quarters and realizing that there had been no zerg structure the officers agreed that it would be best not to write up the incident, although as it turns out the yamato did do a number on an old oak tree. Back in HQ the crewman known to all as Mr. Nate welcomed some of the new enlistees aboard in the mess hall.

"Oh its not so bad. Sure when I first got here I was convinced that the captain was as crazy as a loon and the rest of the officers were right behind him, but I've learned to enjoy the subtle pleasures of life aboard BC9. Like the time we took a wrong turn and ended up in Aiur and tried to pass ourselves off as a carrier by painting the entire cruiser yellow and-- Hey have you guys met the captain?"

"No, not yet."

"Well, that’s him over there."

"You mean behind the guy without any pants?"


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