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An American Necromancer in Harrogath
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Date: 08/06/01 02:08
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An American Necromancer in Harrogath

Hello, I'm Roger Mudd, and this is the History Channel.  Today, we present the last in our series of exerts from the log of a medieval necromancer recently found in San Mateo, California.  So sit back and enjoy our presentation of "An American Necromancer in Harrogath."


"God is an American." - David Bowie.  I'm not, though.  D'oh.


Necro's Log, Sanctuary date: September 4th.

  Tyrael's portal sent to me a most interesting place, the homeland of the Barbarians.  Upon my arrival, I met several of the town's denizens.  There was Malah, the healing woman.  Quite old she is, with that skeletal figure and all those warts and wrinkles and scabs...Mmmm.   Personally, I think she's pretty cute.  Not quite dead, but nobody's perfect.   Then there was Qual-Cake the Master of Arms.  A grizzled chap, but I'm sure he has a good heart.  I wonder how much he would sell it for.  Not at all like Nethack, who doesn't seem to have any internal organs.  I always thought Barbarians were supposed to be big and strong.  This guy, the last  town elder apparently, looks more like a teacher from the Necro Academy.  And then I found out that the rest of the elders had sacrificed themselves!  Seems awfully suspicious.  I wouldn't be surprised if Nethack made them drink some cyanide-laced Kool-Ade.  I preferred Larzuk the smith out of the lot of them.  He seems well-informed.  Whenever people pass his shop, they wave to him and say "There's Larzuk, he knows the score."  It is from him that I learned about the siege around Horrorgath.  Once I find some decent accommodations, I'll figure out a way to help.

Necro's Log, Sanctuary date: September 5th.

    Having spent the night thinking about the siege, I've decided to go out and eliminate the demonic scum surrounding this place.  Larzuk informed me of the general Baal left in command here, Shrek the Overeater.  I went out to see if I can find and put an end to this gluttonous gremlin plaguing the land.    Get in mah belly

Outside the gates were scenes of carnage, as Barbarians did battle with great spiked monsters.  But these Barbarians were unlike the ones I had known.  They did not shout "POTAL PLZ" or "POLAM POLAM" in the heat of battle.  They did not announce their victories with triumphant bellows of "kekekeke" or "hukhukhuk."  And most amazingly, they did not take every spare piece of treasure found.  Indeed, they seemed to be much more interested in pursuing the enemy: big spiked things that were fired from the Power Rangers show.  No match for my Bone Spear, though.  Finally, after dodging fire from the numerous cataracts surrounding the city, I met Shrek the Overeater.

He was a big, ugly SOB,  surrounded by a big group of Keebler Elves, and he was lashing them with a big whip.  Now, being the proud communist I am, I couldn't stand by and watch these poor enslaved be whipped by this gluttonous capitalist pig.  From my broad set of curses, I picked Limp Vision:   an image of Janet Reno naked on a cold day, and sent it into the minds of Shrek's horde.  With them incapacitated, I pierced Shrek with my big long white spear again and again until he died in an explosion of Chernobylian proportions.  All in a days work.  And when I got back to town, Larzuk told me he'd socket something for me.  What a guy.  I wonder how they get sockets into leather though.

Necro's Log, Sanctuary date: September 6th.

I hate monkeys.  I really hate monkeys.  The whole mountain is covered with Demon chimps, hurling their fiery feces at me.  When I'm through, every monkey in the whole world will be dead.  The ones I don't kill, I'll put to work in my typewriter factory.  Fortunately, they were pretty weak, no match for my bony spear, and I freed a few barbarians who were being held prisoner in Lincoln Log pens.  But now I'm going to have to find a way to get these stains out of plate mail.

Necro's Log, Sanctuary date: September Bleem.

Demon Imp A La King                                                                                                         
Yield: 4 Servings                                                                                                             

1 Red pepper; seeded and halved
2 tb Butter
1 3/4 c Finely sliced mushrooms
1 1/4 lb Boneless Demon Imp cut in 1/2" wide strips
1 c Light cream
2 tb Whole wheat flour
1/2 c Demon Imp broth
1 ts Seasoning salt
1/8 ts Pepper
1 tb Lemon Juice
Chopped parsley

Blanch red pepper halves in boiling salted water for 5 minutes; drain and dice. Set aside. Melt butter in large fry pan. Add mushrooms and Demon Imp; sauté 5 minutes, stirring often. Whisk cream with flour and broth, then add to Demon Imp. Add red pepper. Simmer 5 minutes, adding a little more broth if necessary to form a creamy sauce. Remove pan from heat, season with seasoning salt, pepper and lemon juice. Sprinkle with parsley and serve.

Necro's Log, Sanctuary date: September 7th.

Freed the last of those damn Barbarians today, and I was feeling a bit hungry from all the monkey killing.  Fortunately, there was a Denny's Nearby.Millions and millions of blacks not served.  But on the other side of that portal was a Denny's unlike any I had ever been in.  It was full of smoke, fire, blood, screams, and more monkeys.  Well, all right, it was exactly like most Denny's.  Except I didn't find any food there, just a nice rare unraveller's head.  Ah well.  Finished clearing out the area and started on another.   This one has less monkeys and more sword-wielding Keebler Elves.  They're all starting to look the same to me.  And that unraveller head keeps looking at me.   Doesn't really have any eyes though, so maybe I'm imagining things.  Went to Malah, hoping to get a date with her, but she just started babbling something about a lost girl.  Well, I guess that's what happens: you kill a few monsters and suddenly everybody comes to you with their problems.


Necro's Log, Sanctuary date: September 8th.

Figures.  I get back to town after another day of monkey killing, and find out Qual-Cake wants to talk to me.  So I go down there and he starts talking about how grateful he is that I freed his men You got your big cheese, I got my Zod pipe.and I'm thinking to myself "Oh boy, he's gonna give me something good."  And what do I get?  Rocks!  What was he thinking?  If I wanted rocks, I'd be running errands for Marion Barry or Protophobic, not fighting the forces of hell.  I did find a big cave, though.   Probably filled with monkeys, but I guess I'll have to check it out.


Necro's Log, Sanctuary date: September 9th.

The cave of which I spoke earlier is amazing.  What did I find there?  Not monkeys, and certainly nothing else which i expected.  I found my girlfriend.   Well, my ex-girlfriend I suppose now.  We got into an argument, and she got pretty upset and tried to kill me!  Women!  Go figure.  Really, she only left me with one course of action, so yes, I killed her.  Come to think of it, I like her better this way.  Ah, the joys of love.

There are some good things about dating a succubus.  Turns out they suck more than just blood.

Necro's Log, Sanctuary date: September 10th.

I finally found that Anya girl everybody's been talking about.  There she was, the poor little thing, crying for help..Man is she hot!   And better yet, I think she likes me.  I did free her from a block of ice, you know.  Plus, she gave me head.  It was good head, gave +3 to corpse explosion.Fux I r frozen    Turns out that bastard Nethack was behind it all.   Well, I'll show him!  But first, I'm gonna spend some time with Anya.   Malah was nice enough to whip me up a little something for tonight.Now available at Alkor's and GNC.   You know what they say about necromancers with long bone spears...


Necro's Log, Sanctuary date: September 11th.

Back on the road today, trying to find Nethack.  Say whatever you will about the guy, I sure do like his temple.  Nice and dark, and plenty of corpses, anyway, the whole place is filled to the brim with walking corpses and Warcraft II extras and Satan-knows what else.  It's slow going, and I'm getting tired of killing demons who can't even see me.  It's so unfair!  Alas, if only there was some way to tone down my overwhelming unholy powers!  If only...

Necro's Log, Sanctuary date: September 12th.

This is getting a bit annoying.  First it was the Oblivion Knights back in hell.   Now there's these big floating blobs that summon things out of corpses.  Was there a Necro Skills Sale in Hell?  It's annoying enough as it is, listening to everyone talk about "the Light" and fighting "Darkness."  I like Darkness, satandamnit!  And now, here I am, trudging through the Halls of Words I Don't Know, looking for some old guy who liked to turn girls into popsicles.  What fun!  At least I'm getting close to him.  I can feel it.

Necro's Log, Sanctuary date: September 13th.

Ah, got the little bugger.  It wasn't too hard, except somehow he had learned the skill of corpse explosion.  I'm starting to suspect that the forces of Hell are running out of ideas.  A twister even a druid would envy.The kicker though, is when I got back to town, Anya had a reward for me.  I was thinking of a few ways she could reward me, but that was too much to hope for.  So what was my prize, you ask?  She would put my name on something.  Ahem.  Isn't that why they invented markers?   They're not just for sniffing, you know.  Does she think I will forget my name?  I write it every time I go to the bathroom.  The only good news is that it's all down hill from here.  Seems I have to fight some old barbarians called the Ancients, but that can't be too hard.  Even with their Cruel Walkers of Puncturing and Viridian Balsam of Arthritis, it can't be too hard, can it?  I think not.   So I'm going to climb this Mount Areuarat, beat up the bedridden barbarians, and send Baal and the corpse he rode in on all the way back to Hell!  I'm king of the World!

Necro's Log, Sanctuary date: September 14th.

Boy am I exhausted.  Turns out Mount Areuarat is a Black Diamond, and going up it was tough going.  First rater to give this a 10 get Arkaine's Valor and Harlequin Crest.The monkeys throwing their exothermic excrement didn't help.   But nothing can stop me!  I shall conquer this mountain like no mountain has ever been conquered before.  That sign over there says its only 1.9 miles to the top, so I'm almost there.  I have to wonder though, why do the Prime Evils pick such hard places to conquer.  Mountains, jungles, desert tombs, catacombs, and Denny's, it's all so very unpleasant.  Just for once, can't they invade some place nice, like Grenada?  I mean, I don't like to complain, and I don't take this whole "saving the world" thing seriously when facing lesser opponents, which fits the majority of the beasts I've battled.  But still, it would be nice to have a view, maybe a hotel room, time to take a walk outside and enjoy the sights.  Maybe I'll do that once I kill Baal.  It's always nice to go out and smell the corpses.

Necro's Log, Sanctuary date: September 15th.

I didn't quite realize that by Ancients they meant gargoyles with obscene powers.   Couldn't they have thought of a better way to test me?  I play a mean game of Chinese checkers.  Instead. I had to fight these three barbarians.  Not only that, but I couldn't go back to Harrogath for supplies.  I could have sworn I heard one of them say "hukhuk" as he Whirlwinded by.  Still, in the end, I was victorious.  They even told me I was in the top 1% of all fighters, and posed for a group picture.
The Three Stooges: Part Deux.

Necro's Log, Sanctuary date: September 16th.

After the horrors of climbing up this mountain and the test of the Ancients, the minions Baal left behind in Worldstone Keep were barely an obstacle.  Hell sold out.Swiftly marching through these weak remnants, I arrived at last at the Throne of Destruction.  I can feel the demonic presence echoing from the very core of the place.  There is something intangible in the place, something I only felt before in Hell.  It could be despair.  It could be anguish.  It could be pure violent hate.  The only thing I do know is it's source: the Lord of Destruction himself.  More powerful than anything I have faced before.  Tomorrow I shall meet the demon sitting on the Throne of Destruction.  Tomorrow, I shall face Baal.   Tomorrow, I shall restore peace to this world, or die trying.  I know not what will happen, but whatever it may be, i am here, prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice for the ultimate cause.

Necro's Log, Sanctuary date: September 17th.

There he was, sitting on his throne: the most powerful creature to exist within the mortal realm.  A gust of cruel laughter filled the air, as he summoned demonic minions again and again.  Bolts of fire, ice, and lightning filled the air.  I chanted curses with the speed of a doomed man, and cast novas of poison and undead bone spirits at a frenzied rate.  A chorus of screams echoed throughout the throne room, many of them my own.  Finally, seeing that his last Minion of Destruction was dead, Baal escaped into the Worldstone Chamber.  I followed him in. 

Nowhere to hide now, Baal old boy, I thought to myself.  Boy was I wrong.   Barely had I gotten off 5 Bone Spirits before Baal seemed to split before my vary eyes.  A decoy!  Both Baals seemed quite real as they pummeled my with flying V's that the Mighty Ducks would envy.  But nothing was going to stop me now.   The fake Baal feel under a withering blast of bone, and my sights were set on the true LoD.  And we did battle, and the very mountain on which we stood trembled, for when good and evil clash, pity those who stand in between.  Just then, with a shriek of maddened rage, Baal's legs buckled, and the great demon fell to the ground.  As the mage Tal Rasha drew his dying breaths, the whole world seem to freeze.  The howling of the damned that had filled my ears ceased.  Pure darkness filled my vision, and five words in gold appeared in front of me.

On the next Fear Factor: Playing Hardcore Diablo 2 on U.S. East!

And as suddenly as the words had come, they were gone, leaving me to be swallowed by the eternal night..

Sorry kids, Easter's canceled.

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