A Day in the Life of a Fan Fic|
Four marines patrolled the perimeter of the camp in the dead of night. The camp was located 37 miles south of the main terran base on Barlonis IV. The purpose of the camp was to fortify this area rich in minerals and vespian gas with bunkers and turrets. The SCVs had been working hard for two days and a command center was expected to land tomorrow. This second base would strengthen the terran control in this region. This control was very important because rumors had been spreading that the Zerg were also attempting to gain a foothold in the region.
On the south side of the camp, the two marines were vigilant. Their night vision goggles were in place and they scanned the horizon, weapons ready. However, on the north side of the camp, behind a half finished turret, two marines sat, their weary helmetted heads propped up by the sheet metal covering the various targetting systems and rotation mechanisms housed inside. Their faceplates were up and protruding from their mouths were two cigars. The breeze blew the pungent smell of the cigars to the north, away from the camp and the lazy officers who would be snoring in their plush quarters long after sunrise.
"You know what I don't get?" Pakov asked staring out into the darkness.
"What's that?" came the deep voice of Stanley, Pakov's companion.
"Who makes up these dumbass names for these planets?"
Pakov's question wasn't rhetorical. He respected Stanley's knowledge. Stanley was a veteran of the Starcraft fan fiction genre. He had now played bit roles in three different fan fictions at Br.com. One of those fictions had been rated a 6. Pakov had been in a short fiction, but it had been mercifully deleted by JV. Merciful because every time someone clicked on the story, Pakov ended up impaled on the edge of an ultralisk tusk.
"Most fan fiction writers get their planet names from the planet names in the original Starcraft campaigns. Take Barlonis for example, cheap rip off of Tarsonis, one of the original planets of the Confederacy."
Pakov nodded, this made sense. He took another thoughtful puff on his cigar, "But why do they always put roman numerals after their planet names?"
"Most writers feel that it makes them appear sophisticated," Stanley answered, "Astronomers have used this method for naming and numbering planets in systems for many years. Writers like to make themselves look cool by appearing to be "down" with the astronomy "lingo".
"Do you think fan fictions writers really know anything about Astronomy?"
Stanley grunted, "Fan fiction writers would be lucky to find the heads of their respective penises."
Pakov choked on the cigar smoke he had just inhaled and doubled over laughing and coughing. It took him a moment to recover and when he did, he stood up, stamped out the remaining stub of his cigar and pulled out another. He saw that Stanley was finshing his cigar as well and so he tossed him a fresh one and lit him up.
They puffed silently for a few moments staring up at the starry night sky. Finally Pakov broke the silence, "You know, making fun of fan fiction writers when we're in a fan fiction story could prove to be hazardous to our healths."
Stanley chuckled, "Don't you worry about the writer, he's so damn predictable, we can easily escape his wrath."
Pakov frowned, "What do you mean?"
"Think about it, The story's introduction places us at an isolated encampment on a rogue planet in the middle of the night the day before the command center lands."
Pakov still didn't follow, "Yeah, so?"
Stanley exhaled another cloud of smoke, then continued, "Its really quite simple. The writer wants to make the two of us his main characters and develop our relationship. We are the introduction to the story. Tomorrow, when the Zerg attack us, the writer will describe us fighting heroically against the zerg swarm and then when we are ripped apart and trampled asunder, the readers of the story will feel sorry for us and will applaud the writer for his skill."
Pakov laughed, "I read some of the comments that were attached to the story I was in. I don't think BR.com visitors are of the opinion that Starcraft fan fiction is the cream of the battlereporting crop."
Stanley nodded in agreement, "Take this comment for example, 'I never read any of yer fanfics, therefore, u serve no purpose. DIE!' Br.com readers don't like fan fic, and yet people keep making it. I've heard of fan fic writers who have made series of seven stories or more each one getting flamed by 90% of the commenters."
Pakov shook his head, "Its gotta be some kind of psychological defect. But even though we agree that these writers are morons, I still don't see how we can escape the inevitability of our untimely demise tomorrow at the hand of the Zerg."
Stanley smiled, "I have a plan, but I can't tell you what it is. Just stick close to me tomorrow during the battle."
Pakov was thoughtful, "If you can get us out of this wretched fan fic, I will be indebted to you for all time."
"Don't worry about the 'for all time' crap, just make sure that you save a couple of those cigars to celebrate our new freedom."
And with that, Stanley closed his eyes contentedly knowing that he could get a couple of hours of napping before daybreak.
* * *
On the south side of the camp, Drake stared through his night vision goggles. He had been keeping an eye on a dark object floating at the edge of the horizon for some time now. He had shown it to his companion who, after careful examination, pronounced that the object was a tree. Drake wasn't so sure, but he decided that it wasn't worth waking the commanding officer. Drake had ended up on latrine duty last week for mistaking a group of rolling tumbleweeds as an approaching hydralisk hoard. He wasn't about to make the same mistake twice.
As he contined to stare at the object, he began to hear a soft snorting sound. It was coming from the north side of the camp. Drake picked up his radio.
"North patrol, I hear a strange snorting sound coming from your vicinity, could be Zerg intruders, do you copy?"
The snorting sound came loudly through Drake's headset as Pakov responded, "I'm standing right over it, its a sleeping bengalass."
Drake chuckled to himself, he was a bit jumpy tonight, "I copy, over."
* * *
At 800 hours, the command center touched down. Bunkers were loaded, turrets were operational. Mining began.
At 810 hours, a large dust cloud appeared on the horizon. It was the Zerg!! They were coming to destroy the new terran expansion. First the zerglings came. They were turned into bloody, crispy pulp by firebats. Then the hydralisks attacked, they were splattered by the machine gun bullets of marines being healed by sexy medics in tight white suits. Finally, the mutalisks came. SCVs repaired the turrets and bunkers. Marines fired round after round into the air. The winged demons were destroyed. The camp had only suffered minor casualties. Pakov and Stanley gave each other a high five. Both had killed their share of the Zerg troops.
Cheers rose from the camp, it was time for a celebration. The Zerg had been defeated, but suddenly, one of the marines let out a strangled cry. Everyone looked at him and saw that he was pointing towards the south. The entire horizon was covered with a giant dust cloud. More Zerg were coming, much more.
Ultralisks, cracklings, hydralisks, mutalisks, and guardians descended on the camp in full force. Medics tried to heal marines but the guardians' acidic globs were too much and they overcame both medic and marine alike as their skin was eaten away by the green ooze. SCVs frantically tried to repair bunkers but the ultralisk tusks were too strong and one by one, the SCVs found themselves impaled and the bunkers blew up. Cracklings descended on the turrets, ripping them to shreds and soon, all defenses had been destroyed.
The battered remains of the terran troops gathered around the command center for a final stand. Pakov reached inside his vest pocket and pulled out two cigars. "I think we're done for, and it won't be pretty after all we said. We'd better enjoy these cigars while we have the chance."
Stanley took the cigar. Even he looked a bit sad and defeated. Pakov reached over to light Stanley's cigar when suddenly both cigars and the lighter disappeared into thin air. Before Pakov and Stanley had a chance to react, both of their guns disappeared as well. And then suddenly, they both disappeared from the scene of the battle and into a place much more sinister. They were hanging from the ceiling of a Zerg Hive by their ankles. The walls of the Hive were oozing some sort of mucous substance and below them, Pakov and Stanley could see a bubbling ooze. They were slowly dropping towards the ooze.
Pakov groaned in dismay, "I knew we shouldn't have made fun of fan fic writers."
Stanley scowled, "The writer cheated, he is ruining his credibility by placing us here so abruptly. The readers will complain about why and how we appeared here when we were in battle a few moments ago. They will become disoriented and disgruntled."
What Stanley and Pakov didn't realize was that they had been transported to their current position by an arbiter recall.
Stanley snorted, "Ha, do you think the readers will buy that? The zerg don't have arbiters."
What Stanley and Pakov didn't realize was that the Zerg had mind controlled an arbiter.
Stanley laughed harder, "God you are the dumbest writer yet. Only Dark Archons can mind control units and the Zerg don't have Dark Archons, the protoss do."
What Stanley and Pakov didn't realize was that a queen had infested a Dark Archon allowing the Dark Archon to mind control an arbiter for the Zerg.
Even Pakov was laughing now, "The only thing that queens can infest are terran command centers you goddam newbie!"
Suddenly Pakov and Stanley started dropping faster towards the acidic ooze.
"Oh shit," Pakov yelled, "Stanley, do something!!"
Stanley smiled, "I have one more trick up my sleeve. Scotty, two to beam up!"
Suddenly an energy field appeared around Pakov and Stanley.
"Dear God, what's happening?" cried Pakov.
Stanley grinned, "I have a brother who writes Star Trektm novels for Pocket Bookstm. We're going to be in Captain Kirk and the Secret Garden of the Golden Black Hole Warp Plasma Field Time Travelling Paradox.
Then Stanley and Pakov disappeared.