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"wtf i should get hit by a fucking truck"
- Hawk

Humpty Dumpty was PUSHED!
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Date: 07/26/01 07:07
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 9.0, # of Ratings: 2, Max: 9, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for LuckyNewbie:P: 8.4737

LuckyNewbie:P Proudly presents...
Also known as 'Jesus is coming--Look busy!!'

Hi there, welcome to a LuckyNewbie:P Battlereport. Before you go any further and read, I would like you all please to go and look at Funnymarx's report! Funnier than this, I'll tell ya now.

Hello and welcome my latest and bestest battlereport yet! I've sorta been out of the brood-war loop for a while because of bad grades ( A "D" in spanish ). I was also doing a battlereport about Masturnate vs some random guy, but I accidently uninstalled brood-war when 1.08 came out(don't ask), and with it, all the files I had in the directory, including the screenshots. If you wanna amuse yourself with what I had, be my guest! I came back to brood war about at the end of may, when I got my internet back, and I was distracted, among other things, by everyone's favorite game nowadays.

B52 cluster bombing is very accurate... the bombs always hit the ground
Disclaimer: the above is the author's personal opinion and is not the opinion or policy of or of the little green men that have been following him all day.

However, enough with the crappy intro, I now bring you the greatest 2v2 of all time, starring King-Lewis, WaxAngel, POA, and everyones favorite Austrian... :Necrosausage:! I heard someone yell out poa2//2, and right as I hit the "ok" button, I knew I was joining an epic game.

If only I could ban people from reports...

Errr... the only catch was, I, nor anyone else, would observe it. Why on an observer map, I won't even ask. Seems like I'll have to find another game... hows this?
Opportunity knock only once, if you hear a second knock it's probably a Jehovah's witness.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
Thats right folks, none other than Masturnate and Testosterone have stepped forward to star for you. In truth, these games occured at about midnight on a weekday. I asked them why they were on so damn late, turns out Test's unemployed and Nate is self-employed. My excuse for being up so late? Well, I could play through the night and not know it until I see sunrise. The games to be played would be a best-of-five series, no giving up would be allowed unless the players were tired or just didn't feel like playing no more. It wasn't a long download for the map, and soon we were off.

Ling-erie: 'What, are you going to take out the gay rainbow picture?'      LuckyNewbie:P: 'No! nono, the rainbow stays'

The Setting:

"Corbalt banned me because I said he got raped by a zergling dildo"
- Scv~007

The Map: Jungle Story

The Players:
MasturNate Random toss at 11 o'clock position

)A(SuMTanG(Testosterone) Random terran at 5 o'clock position

To your left is our map, Jungle Story. To be honest, I have no idea where this came from, and it's confusing as hell if you haven't seen it in staredit or played on it. That is why if you will look to your right, you will see my expert interpretation of the map. Start positions, key points on the map and of course impassable parts are marked on it. Still confused? Well, since im a great guy, you can download it here.

c'mon its a minimap... alt text doesn't go on any friggin' minimap!!
This text is placed here to align pictures

X's= Key points of interest
Both players let fate decide who they were (they randomed), and are quick to get their peons off. After a few minutes of the usual pre-game chat, its apparent what both are building for. Nate gets gateway, gas, gateway, going for some dragoon powering.Testosterone walls in with a supply and barracks and puts down an early gas for some tech. An interesting thing to note here is that both players assign 4 workers on their gas as soon as it completes (I usually put three and assign a fourth one later). Both players scout out the map early with two workers and soon they have found each other.

First Contact

Orgality: Damn thats a slow download...
~captmorgan: nighthawk... pedal faster!!!

Finding his opponents wall-in, Nate orders a cybernetics core and later 2 more zealots for three total, while Testy puts down a starport. Testosterone's first scv scout failed to get inside the base, so he locates his second scouting scv on the map and sends it into the toss base to try and probe Nate's tech. The scv manages to sneak by the three zealot and 1 dragoon defense (all of which are immediately fired) and finds Nate's warping robotics bay. Commander Testosterone, intriguided by the finding, orders his scv to gather a sample of the protoss mineral field for further analysis, only to be mugged by three unemployed zealots. Nate, perhaps realizing that a reaver drop would be futile without surprise, puts down an observatory instead, and orders a shuttle and a stargate.

By now, both armies take to the air, and Test loads his two freshly made tanks into his freshly made dropship and sends them up north, to the cliff above Nate's main. Nate loads up a dragoon and two zealots into his own shuttle a few seconds later and sends them east over the same cliff. Showdown!

The difficult we do immediately. The impossible takes a little while longer. - U.S. Navy Seabees

Lucky for Nate, he sees a bluish speck on the mini-map on his cliff orders his shuttle to investigate. The shuttle sees a bengalaas, the blue speck. As the shuttle goes a little further, however, it finds the terran dropship just as its tanks are sieging. The tanks are startled and immediatly unsiege without getting a shot off, and fight the zealots until they get to half life (1). They then hop back on, drop below the cliff and siege there (2), kill 3 probes (3), unsiege, hop back on and run like hell, all the time one step ahead of their protoss counterparts. Testosterone however, has too much balls and pushes his luck by going back for more with a wraith en rhoute (4), only to get his dropship and its cargo shot down. The wraith stays around and takes a few potshots at the shuttle before being forced to flee.

The End of Early Game

"Back off, im not dead... I still got nine scvs! Thats five more than ground ever gets!"

'You, you, and you: Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' Test, his tank drop a failure, puts down a Command Center to expand above his cliff and orders another dropship. Nate takes a probe in his shuttle and takes his cliff expansion as well. Hoping for a weakened opponent, Nate takes four dragoons and charges them in the main gate, only to find in a walled in tank, bunker and turret. The dragoons simply turn around and guard the center, and Nate pulls another move out of his ass and puts down a fleet beacon for carriers. Testosterone on the other hand builds two more factories, preparing for the ground war.

Yip yip yip yip yap yap yip *BANG* --- NO TERRIER Tofu - the other white meat substitute. For a while, nothing happens, until Test loads two dropships up with 3 tanks, 3 marines and an scv to turbo newbie Nate's main once again, and assigns his wraith up north to rendezvous. Things take a turn for the worse as the first dropship carrying two tanks flies directly over Nate's dragoons in the center and is quickly shot down. Nate, now aware of another dropship lurking around sends his two corsairs out on patrol and
finds them quickly. Fortunatly for Test, Nate must have been debating whether or not to make a carrier and the two-corsair patrol misses the dropship, but locks on the wraith, which is able to lure the stalkers away and is later quickly shot down. Continuing with the mission, Test's dropship cruises on and flies over an unexpected obstacle... Nate's expansion. Seeing cannons warping in, Testosterone quickly drops the cargo. Unfortunatly, the cannons were about 99% done, and two of them manage to knock out all marines. Nate retreats his miners and drops troops on the tank, but not before losing his cannons. The dropship is hunted by the two corsair pimps, where it is herded to the center dragoons.

By now, Nate has found the terran's cliff expansion, and brings his shuttle and dragoons to ferry troops up to the top. Unfortunately for him, two tanks and three turrets defend the expansion, and seeing how as there is not a lot of room to land and he lacks any templar to storm scvs, he does the next best thing and charges with a newly completed four-intercepter carrier. The attack doesn't do so well, and Nate trades four intercepters and the element of surprise to bring down a single turret. Seeing the new threat, Test simply puts 3 more turrets down at the expansion, and quenes up goliaths and goliath range on his factories. For now, the expansion will stay.

Nate's attack a failure, he takes his mineral-only natural below his base and the 8 o'clock main right in front of Test's scv, and quenes up another carrier.

The Ground War

"I get off on peon masturbation"
-)A(SuMTanG (Testosterone)

Test has been building up marines from three barracks during this time, and when he sees carriers, he decides that if his attack is to succeed, it's now or never, and he starts the ground war by moving out 8 tanks, 3 goliaths, a dozen marines and a medic. Nate has an observer posted in front of Test's wall-in and sees the army moving out. In a panic, Nate ferrys down his dragoons still on Test's cliff to send towards the middle, joined by more dragoons from Nate's main. However, the terran has also ordered his troops to the center, reaching it first. The game could very well be decided here.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Test thinks he spotted something west of his position, and uses his comsat to check out. Spotting carriers, he attacks. The protoss meet the attack with about a sixteen or so dragoons, a pair of zealots and two carriers.

The carriers fire first, interceptors flying over stimmed marines. The dragoons, in the meantime, are confused by the terrain (surprise there) and stumble around each other while getting smacked by the tanks. It isn't soon until all interceptors are blasted out of the sky, which the dragoons take as the signal to move in. The stimmed marines and medics are more than a match for their dragoon counterparts and Nate is forced to retreat. The battle breaks off in a marginal terran victory, and Test advances out of his hole. Nate doesn't fall completely back and stands his ground, forcing the terran to stop as well, and both sides wait for more reinforcements. Test launches a comsat to see what hes up against, decides its worth it, unsieges, stims, and charges. However, that was our hero's last comsat, and the protoss executor had an ace up his sleeve: Dark templar. Without any comsat energy left and seeing as how his marines are popping left and right, Test concedes.

On US Rocket Launcher - Aim towards Enemy

Game Over
The Winner?

The Scores:


What mistakes did the terran Testosterone make in this game, besides lack of detection? The answer is, really, not much. There really wasn't much room for improvement here. He attempted to harass Nate with his dropships, but a stroke of bad luck was all it took to fail. He kept pressure on the protoss, forcing his opponent to react rather than the other way around. He really played a great game, but sometimes even that isn't enough to win. Deciding he was due for one, another game is made of Test's choice.

Yes, the 'two' is really on fire, thanks for asking.

As we got back in the ~NoHunters chat, there were the usual people on a midnight, among them badtz_maru and derek.., both of whom would be observing the next game. Badtz was convinced that Test's nick
)A(SuMTanG was Wangsonn, and derek.. insisted that badtz be called "bats". Test finally found the map he wanted and made.

Map Name:
Jim Raynor's Memory

Okay, I dont know about you, but I didn't think it was possible to make a gayer map name than "The Art of Turret Defense" or "M-o-v-i-e-C-o-n-t-e-s-t", but I was wrong. MasturNate, nor any of us observers had this map (Nate had played on it- new computer didn't have the map) so the download took a while. Let's spare a moment and get to know everyone.

       'Jim Raynors Mammaries'

Jim Raynor's Memory (Designed by Lupin in game-Q)

As we sailed off, it was apparent that this map wasn't made by someone good with textures. It was just about entirely one texture (sand). Worst of all, it had no scantids! The layout, however, was unique. All the mains were on their own hilltop with one ramp leading down to a mineral-only natural. Gas expansions (the Other Naturals)were on the complete other side of the base and thus would be hard to defend without controlling the map. In the center was the only other expansion on the map, and this too had no gas. It would be easier to take the "other natural" of the other main, but if your opponent controls the main above it, sorry Charlie. Since I'm such a great guy, you can download the map in question here

Both players seemed very well familiarized with the selection, however, and we would have a good game.

The Early game

"Unfortunately, the evil Protoss military-industrial complex had so heavily polluted the SCV's normal migratory pathway with cannons that not one made it to the mating grounds."
- Funnymarx

Both players randomed and landed on opposite sides of the map. Nate got the shiny teal toss on the left, Testosterone was handed the white zerg to the right. Test placed a hatchery above his ramp and a pool below his assimilator to optimize gas collection. Nate perhaps realizing that Test has a 2 out of 3 chance of being terran or protoss, gets a gateway followed by early gas and a cybernetics core. However, when his scouting probe finds his opponent to be zerg, he puts down another gateway and cranks zealots. The wide ramps on this map make him vulnerable for zerglings sneaking through the zealot ranks, so he assigns a few probes (and makes a pylon) to help block it off until his zealot count reachs four. Test has placed both of his hatcheries to zergling production and when he gets 16 or so he orders them outside the protoss base.

On a side note, one of our gosu observers, Badtz_maru, had been talking the entire time on open chat despite numerous warnings. Nate pauses the game and kindly informs the offending observer of the situation ("Get out now.") and the dispute is settled.

this is why Nate uses small arms to enforce his obs-ac or out policy

Back to the game, Test has been rallying his troops across the map, taking the opprotunity to grab the natural below his ramp, and placing another hatchery in his main.

When ~24 zerglings gather, Test decides to attack and charges them at the protoss defenders. Nate has completed a dragoon as well, and when Test finds he can't sneak through the line of zealots, he gives it up and places them to the right (as seen on mini-map), ready to make a deadly counter should Nate attack. Back in the zerg's main, a hydralisk den is ordered and more drones hatch. Nate on the other hand puts down a citadel of adun and a forge.

665: Neighbour of the Beast.

Our protoss friend Masturnate has been silently teching to corsairs, and when the first is complete it is ordered to the zerg main. Although a number of overlords were lurking around the protoss encampment, without speed they dont seem to be going anywhere, and the sooner he knows what his zerg opponent is up to the better. Cruising over the zerg main and shooting down an overlord (cows of the air), the pilot reports he has spotted an expansion and hydralisk den, but no lair has been found.

Nate orders the corsair to look for expansions, and begins researches zealot legs, while placing down a templar archives and a third gateway. Test hasn't been idle, morphing an evolution chamber and gets hydra spine upgrades. Satisfied with his drone count, he pumps out zerglings and hydralisks out of four hatches, as well as taking the 6 o'clock main.


])ark~Paladin^: i got a wolverine im my pants

slashin' the night awayAbout this time the corsair flies over the waiting zerglings. The zerglings, scared by the advances of protoss aviation, flee like startled deer in all directions. Nate decides its time to expand and sends Slashy, his dark templar, out to munch on some lings. Because the way starcraft was programmed, a "forces under attack" message only comes if the forces in question live to report it (i.e., they dont die in one hit). Using this neatly to his advantage, Slashy racks up some 6 kills before the Test notices dots disappearing, and the lings flee again back to base.

With about 500 probes per mineral patch, our protoss friend expands to his natural under Slashy's protection. Until the zerg cerebrate can get overlord speed, Nate can keep him pinned at home.

yay, its a mini-map Even though hydralisks and even a spore colony drove off our friend, Mr. Corsair, it does not make him obsolete. Because almost all of the minerals on the map are on the edges, its pretty easy to scout four or five potential expansions in a matter of seconds with a wraith, or in this case, a corsair. Nate makes good use of his recon and spots the 6 expansion. Slashy is sent in hopes of killing it before detection can come, but as a control group of hydralisks are sent, and as newly made spore coloney and overlord pop up, the cloaked bastard has to settle for waiting outside the ramp in the hopes of slashing any drones maynarded to the scene.

Zealot: 'Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot, left fo-- DAMN!' Nate had built up quite an army consisting of 10 zealots, 7 dragoons, and a few templar. When the zerg reinforces the six expansion, Nate moves his army to the zerg main. Figuring that with the hydralisk force divided he can win, he moves in hoping to find little defenders and an easy victory. The protoss executor, however, doesn't know how much his zerg counterpart has been building up his war machine off of his four hatcheries, and valley battle begins.

When the first zealots come in range to attack, Testosterone is quite prepared for it, with around 5 control groups of hydralisks and zerglings on his main and natural. Nate, however, already has +1 attack upgrades, so the zerglings are chopped through rather nicely. It isn't until the zealots are seperated from the dragoons and templar that the attack loses its momentum. Storms fly out, and Test, misclicking or perhaps busy elsewhere, makes no attempt to dodge them, racks up twenty one kills with psi storm. Tragedy strikes the protoss, however, as Slashy attempts to follow take out the six when hydralisks come out to the aid of the main. More hydralisks are there waiting for him, and in one of those tragic starcraft moments, the beloved dark templar, Slashy, is spat to death

to counter the protoss psi storm, the zerg summon the sun blast storm... okay that was pretty bad

yay! another mini map!Test, knowing the time is ripe to attack, sends around 24 hydralisk and his remaining zerglings at the protoss choke. Nate has put down two more gateways and hasn't been lazy with the troops, and with the aid of two of Slashy close relatives, the attack is repulsed. Test has by now morphed a lair and his overlord speed upgrade has finished. Both players have now taken their "other (w/ gas) natural" far from their ramp, and both know that their opponent has done the same. Nate knows he cant let the zerg expand again, so he takes his newly made army and charges at Test's morphing hatchery. Test, pissed off at the incursion, counter-attacks on the warping protoss nexus with his hydralisks.

Hydralisk Genocide

"Instantly, I found a target of such value, such strategic import that I could not resist detonating a nuke there. This place was occupied by. . . . two photon cannons. Reason protested that there must be a better way to waste 200/200, but I told reason to go sit in the back with morality and common sense."
- Funnymarx

Test moves up another 24 hydralisk reinforcements, but on the way they find themselves spread out with Nate's zealots tearing through the sparce lines. Nate now has +2 attack upgrades, and it begins to show as hydralisks explode in a way not unlike ripe watermellons droped from ten stories up. When Test brings up hydralisks attacking the expansion to help, they are stormed by a few templar above the cliff on Nate's main. Testosterone decides to prove he is not a cowardly cerebrate and refuses to lower himself to "storm dodging", allowing the spell to devastate the zerg ranks. With a dozen or so hydras remaining, Test orders them to retreat back to base, but with the protoss warriors in their way, none of them make it out alive.

Blank space is cool, trust me

Nate orders his army to attack the zerg's six expansion, and Test knows this too, running his drones and overlords out of harms way. With just a few hatched hydralisks from his main, Test tries to counter. However, he just hotkeys them and orders them outside the protoss choke, allowing the enemy army the time it needs to catch up and whomp the living crap out of some stray hydralisks. About two dozen more survive, however, and hide on the 12 main.

When I die, I wana poof up in blue smoke, just like a zealot.

Is anyone else turned on by this?....... er.. I'm not either Test realizes he needs cash to keep the hydras comin', so he places down a hatchery on the six again, morphs a hive for cracklings, and has once again tried expanding to his "other natural", only to get it torn down before its even completed (And which I got a pretty good screen shot of on your left). The protoss army then marches to the 12, looking for an expansion. Test sees the army coming and hides his hydras, terrified he'll be raped again. Fortunately, Nate finds no expansion and turns around and the hydras spared. Unfortunately, he turns around to hit the zerg main, as well as sending a dozen some zealots to kill the 6 expansion his observer had been watching. The zerg troops come out the meet the protoss force, and a battle ensues. A handful of of zerg survive before being reinforced by those hydralisks from the 12.

This should have reduced your computer to a heaping pile of scrapmetal. Huk!

The final skirmishes

"I am goingt o send all my units to be reported by you before they attacj"
- sAs421,
(stolen from [FLS]Prozerran's bgh ffa report.)

The zealots are spat upon until they turn into a puff of blue smoke. Heh.His attack force beaten, Nate retreats the zealots done attacking the six, but the retreat ends up being a death march when they run into hydralisks on a rampage, and the zerg finally get a decisive win. The dozen or so hydralisks do a victory march right through the center, where a larger protoss army (whos high templar outnumbers the hydralisks alone) lays the smack down. Stuck on the "move" button, the hydralisks are smashed apart by zealot brutality.

Test has been slowly teching towards cracklings by now, and when he spots a toss expansion up north (see mini map), charges with around fifty of the suckers. The protoss by now have superior weaponary, but the sole defenders (a dark templar and two photon cannons) are overwhelmned and the expansion falls. The zerg cerebrate, however, fails to take out the probes that were mining off the expansion (~90, I'm guessing), and when he goes chasing after them the protoss army comes to save the day.

The zerg are sorta like communists, either win the battle or drown them with the dead.

By now both players are mined out, with lots of idle workers. Both are grabbing an expansion, but at the moment Nate's army is larger, more diverse, and better upgraded. Nate scours the map for any zerg expansions, managing to kill the "other natural" for the third time with two dark templar. Test has made another army consisting of 10 or so hydras and an entire regiment of cracklings. On the way to Nate's base they run into the protoss army, and with the help of numerous storms and the zealots extra attack upgrade, the zerg swarm is annihilated. Testosterone, knowing a futile battle when he see's one, concedes again.

Game two goes to Nate as well, bummer :[

Game Two winner?

The Scores:


Test lost this game mainly because he picked bad spots to expand to. If he took the six o'clocks "other natural" instead of his own, it would have been much easier to defend, and with that extra source of income he could have won. Nate dominated the game because he controled the map and knew where Test's expansions were thanks in part to his corsair and, later, observers.
Now the series stands at two to nothing in favor of Nate. Can our hero save himself and win three games in a row? no We get back to the chat, and Testosterone, beaten bad, still thinks himself due for a win.

<)A(SuMTanG> how about rivalry
<MasturNate> ok
<)A(SuMTanG> k
<MasturNate> nate*/x

This time, nobody else was to watch, and no exciting observer smack-talk was to take place. Soon we were off, starting
Game 3. Whoo hoo!

The Setting

"Maybe if I copy and pasted one of Heartcutters reports into a spellchecker I could pass it off as my own."
- Oreo^^cookie

Dont worry, it'll be over soon Both players random as usual, and our map this time is Rivalry, which I shouldn't need to put a picture of but do all the same. Nate gets those fun-lovin purple protoss in the upper left and Testosterone gets the blue terrans in the upper right. Scouting is very easy because of the close proximety and their builds aren't thrown off. Testosterone gets a standard terran build with a barracks/supply wall in, getting his first factory up fast. Nate opts for his standard protoss build of early gas / cybernetics core, making a zealot to harass his terran opponent early.

The great terran ass-rape

"lucky, i skimmed through your report and the quotes were funny, but as for the actual game... i didn't look.

release more quote-only brs plz.
" - Ferret-

However, the harassment turns into much more when Testosterone's gosu wall-in is wide enough for a zealot to go past and things go hectic. His factory is about 90% complete and the zealot makes the building scv his first target as the terran hastily makes marines and starts a bunker. Testosterone, amid the confusion, cancels his factory (I'm pretty damned sure he meant to pause it). The zealot, surprised that the job was made easier for him, goes to work on some newly made marines. The marines, being the brave soldiers that they are, flee down the ramp. The bunker is about half done when the scv comes under attack. Nate has placed his probe to block the marines from running back up the ramp, and five scvs total are lost before the marines break through and get chopped up as well. While the zealot is getting marine blood all over his suit, the bunker suddenly completes and the zealots rampage (seven kills) is over.

Gary, Super Zealot.

Nate has a humongous lead by now and techs to templar and carriers, taking the west expansion and the lower left main. The game goes downhill for Testosterone, and he never gets to expand beyond his natural. Within sixteen minutes, Nate has just about the entire map. I could have just inserted the mini-map, but that wont do it justice. So I give you the work of 2 days of delays, four hours of piecing 156 screen shots together perfectly in MSpaint. I give to you, my masterpiece:

No! Not a big red X! Refresh!

:[Realizing it useless to fight on, Testosterone concedes the game and the match, with Nate sweeping the series, 3-0.

The Scores:


Conclusion / The End

(Also known as where I got tired of thinking)
Well, thats just about wraps things up here. I'd like to really thank Mister Nate thats a pun you ass for not shooting me for being so late with a report of him, seeing as how one was supposed to be out half a year ago. Also, thank you nate for giving me the replay of game two (im such a slacker and forgot to save). Thanks to the players for playing some great games and letting me report them, and thank you to MSpaint for letting me piece together every screen shot to get that huge mini-map right. Im sure Testosterone might have won some if it wasn't 1 a.m, and if Nate didn't get his best race, protoss, in all three games, but he still put up a fight nonetheless. Thanks to everyone for telling me how the fileread[] tag works! :] Oh ya, leave a comment guys and gals, I appreciate 'em.
[-Gamer.] : cant he just take five minutes to wack off and come back?
[-Gamer.] : you dont need the whole night
[-Gamer.] : your gonna get rashes
[LuckyNewbie:P] : lol
[-Gamer.] : or something
[LuckyNewbie:P] : rotfl
[-Gamer.] : thats some cheap way of getting muscles
[-Gamer.] : good hell
[LuckyNewbie:P] rotflmao
As always,
yup, thats me, LuckyNewbie, aren't I cute?

Need to get something off your chest about how much this sucks, or how unoriginal it is? Or you just want to hack my computer? Feel free to email me at!
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