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"The medic giggles as you show her your Full House. Yes, this game of strip poker is going quite well. 'This time you'll have to take off more than your first aid kit,' you say with a sly wink."
- Drefsab

Much Ado About Nuking
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Date: 05/28/01 10:05
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 8.0, # of Ratings: 1, Max: 8, Min: 8
Lifetime Rating for funnymarx: 8.4737
An Amazing Battlereport!

If you look into the one open eye of the winking medic, all of your deepest fantasies will come true. . . . . . . damn, you're still looking at her eye aren't you!

With the introduction of version 1.08, and the advent of the replay function, I was quite tempted to simply post a link to the .rep file and leave it at that. Thankfully for you, the readership, I decided against that course of action when I realized that it would not allow me to publicize my own insidious propaganda, and/or the random musings of my poor overworked cranium. What fair fortune that I should decide against the easy way out, and allow you, the readership to bask in the glow of my overpowering intellect.

Our story begins as I, funnymarx, was trolling the seamy underworld of bnet chat channels using my pseudonym, "punknbeans". I had passed through motel, and found only a few bots. I had visited clan ~nohunters, and found only a Canadian dude trying to spam yoda. Finally, I wandered back home to sargent, and found . . . . nothing. . . . no one in the whole dorm was home. Feeling a sense of despair creep over me, I decided to create a game. . . . public. . . .

The map was Heartwood, the title 2v2 bgh SUX!. After a few moments, -=b8ta=- entered the game. Little did I know how fateful a moment it was.

We proceeded to chat about the map for a while, and then I suggested "1v1?". He agreed, but before I could hit the start button, he said "Name/Pass?" I was shocked! This was an unexpected tactic. Recovering my bearings I said "nu/nu", and proceeded to recreate, using the map Ramparts. After a tense two seconds of waiting, -=b8ta=- was there again, and I pushed the button.
For those that don't know the map, its most notable features are the high walls present behind each starting position, the naturals covered by the cliff, and the one additional expansion site on an island in the center.  Movement on the ground is limited to clockwise and counterclockwise directions, with four bridges acting as choke points.

"Blast!" I thought to myself, as I saw 4 scvs and a command center before me. Terran and I don't have a good history. I cut my teeth with them when I first started playing, but my skills only developed beyond "Look mom, I can beat the computer in 2 hours!" when I started playing Zerg 100% of the time. Since then, I've taken to playing random, but I'm always filled with a sense of dread whenever I hear those little fusion cutters at the beginning of a game.

Disregarding this little setback, I proceeded to conduct a standard Terran opening, 7 barracks, 8 depot, both at my choke. Lo and behold, but as both are building, a Protoss probe slips up the ramp and begins harassing the scv that's working on the depot. Before I can grab an scv from my mineral line to deal with the little bugger, he decides to explore further north into my base. Inferring that -=b8ta=-'s base must be nearby from the speed of his probe's arrival, I decided to undertake some scouting of my own, with one of my scvs. As you can see from this humorous montage of screenshots, our workers proceeded to chase each other around our respective bases with a gaiety unmatched since the addition of rainbows to Lucky Charms. Teeheehee, probes and scvs experimenting with one another...

This picture shows a marine being hit by a photon blast.Meanwhile, my choke was secured with the addition of a bunker. Noticing two gateways, and considering the positioning of the high walls behind our respective mineral lines, I decided upon my operational goal. I would get tanks, and then dropships, and then drop them on the wall behind -=b8ta=-'s nexus. In light of this decision, an scv began a refinery. Excess minerals were invested in an engineering bay, and a depot, as I had reached 18 supply. Feeling momentarily secure behind my ramp wall in, my factory, followed by machine shop and starport were erected. A marine's attempt at reconnaissance failed miserably, except that the presence of cannons was an encouragement to me.

You know, the original purpose of alt text was to allow people to know what the pictures showed, without seeing the image.  In that vein, this is people dying.By this time, Terran scientist had once again rediscovered the ability to "siege" tanks, and this discovery was followed quickly by the arrival of a new dropship. "Mwahahaha", I laughed maniacally, as the dropship carried a tank and three brave marines to their destination. The voyage was ill fated from the beginning however, as the poor transport ran into a dragoon as soon as it entered -=b8ta=-'s territory. Pressing onward, the pilot dropped off the troops on the highwall, only to find the LZ quite hot. A zealot, followed by three more and two dragoons reacted quickly, dispatching all four of my units at the loss of one zealot and a few probes.

This is a picture of some more people dying and some other guys killing them.The dropship pilot however, craven as she was, decided to take her craft northwards, rather than trying to extract her comrades from the fray on the ground. In one of those twists of fate that war brings about, however, her actions proved quite fortuitous, alerting me to the presence of a Protoss expansion at the ten o'clock main. "Your orders commander?" queried my aide de camp. Sizing up the situation, I ordered a twofold course of action, the brilliance of which amazed even me. I would expand at the same time that I denied him his expansion! Again, a tank and four marines loaded up and headed north. This drop met with more success as the two dragoons were cleaned up, and reinforcing infantry was dispatched. As five more marines disembarked, the counterattack came, and was brushed aside, with moderate losses. -=b8ta=-'s nexus however, was toast.

This is a picture of . . . you know what, describing what the picture is sucks.  Therefore alt text from this point on will only be used for propaganda or humorous anecdotes. The scv in this picture is humorously pictured as saying 'Get back to work you slackers.'  The comedy comes from knowing how ridiculous this situation is.  Everyone knows that scvs can't talk. "Commander, enemy craft spotted to the north of our base," my subconscious told me. I looked, and sure enough, there was a shuttle. Troops were dispatched to deal with the threat, but the craft made a beeline for my minerals, and dropped a pair of reavers. As you can see, the results were not pretty, with my scv count cut to a third. As a way of redeeming himself for letting the shuttle through, my wraith pilot proceeded to knock off one of -=b8ta=-'s observers which was poking around above my command center. The entire general staff rested easier now that they knew their activities were not being monitored by some sinister alien.

At this point as I stood on that high wall overlooking my command center, my ADC came up and asked "What's the situation sir?" I figured that -=b8ta=- must be weak, having just lost his reaver investment, his expansion, and a bunch of ground troops, and therefore I decided to strike. A strike team consisting of marines, vultures and tanks set out into the valley below my base, intent on tank pushing their way to -=b8ra=-'s main. There were several cannons on the far side of the river, and I didn't feel good about sieging tanks on the narrow bridge. The tanks that were present therefore sieged on my side of the river, while some marines crossed over, intent on luring unsuspecting zealots to their death. After one zealot died to the amusement of the tankers, the party was interrupted by the arrival of DTs who not only killed the scv that was constructing a missile turret there, but proceeded to rout the little detachment from its position, despite a quick scan. Meanwhile a brave wraith pilot had cloaked his vessel and managed to position his craft over -=b8ta=-'s mineral line. After destroying several probes and forcing others to flee, he met an untimely demise at the hands of a dragoon.

In the midst of this struggle I was able to tech up to sci vessels, and also found the cash to waste on a science facility upgrade. I contemplated the physics lab for a moment, but then decided I stick to units I could actually afford, and built the covert ops center. Strangely enough, although I had no ghosts, nor any intention of getting them, I started researching the ghost upgrades. Pride goeth before the fall as they say.

The punch-counterpunch continued as dark templars ransacked the expansion I had built on top of the nexus I had just destroyed. Floating the command center, I ordered it to proceed at top speed to the southeast, where a hilltop expansion was discovered. Meanwhile, my counterpunch consisted of two dropships of tanks and marines on -=b8ta=-'s high wall, which demolished his nexus before being toasted by a combination of scarabs and psi storm. One tank survived to kill the last templar, and with the help of a defensive matrix, had enough time to unsiege and kill a final attacking zealot, before the matrix wore off.
I have to say, this is perhaps my favorite picture.  Something about five marines exploding simultaneously. . . . I dunno, is it just me?

We continued to slug it out. A drop on my newly arrived CC forced it to lift off again, while simultaneously, two drop ships and their passengers cleared out -=b8ta=-'s re-expansion in the northwest main. Throughout this period, I frantically used comm sat to try and locate any additional expansion attempts, but found none besides -=b8ta=-'s natural. I have to admit, at this point I was as tense as a cat in a rocking chair store. . . . did I just type that? I was also convinced that -=b8ta=- was on the verge of collapse, and that one more attack would bring him down. That explains the dispatch of little two dropship groups instead of a massive build up.

Now, I think it would be a good time to pause, reflect on what had happened, and pose a pop quiz to see how many of you were actually paying attention. So, here's your quiz question. Don't worry, it's multiple choice.

If this game were to continue along the same lines that it has been going, you would:
A)Poke out your eyes to avoid reading anymore.
B)Suggest that -=b8ta=- tech to ultralisks.
C)Guess that the next move would be a drop of some sort maybe??? *wink*
D)Ask one of the admins to remove this report.
E)Hope that someone else would suddenly take control of punknbean's troops.

While all of these answers have merit, unfortunately only "C" is totally correct, unless you have taste in which case A is acceptable. Yes, it's true, that I once again ordered the needless loss of human life by sending two dropships to attack the Protoss expansion. The expansion was of course only discovered after I foolishly allowed my northeast expansion to be trashed. Unfortunately, this drop was crushed after killing only two cannons. I also had the unfortunate pleasure of discovering that -=b8ta=- had built corsairs, as they ripped up my supporting science vessel.

Having watched so many semi-successful drops, I decided that a new brilliant stratagem was needed. I thought for a moment, and then it came to me, like a flash!


Every bone in my body, every synapse in my nervous system, every hair on the back of my syphilitic cat stood up and shouted "NO!" But I was not to be dissuaded. The command center at my natural promptly constructed a nuclear silo, my barracks began training ghosts, and my eyes began searching for targets.

Instantly, I found a target of such value, such strategic import that I could not resist detonating a nuke there. This place was occupied by. . . . two photon cannons. Reason protested that there must be a better way to waste 200/200, but I told reason to go sit in the back with morality and common sense. My ghost cloaked up, and then, shadowed by a sci vessel, went and laid down his little laser pointer on one of -=b8ta=-'s cannons. Strangely enough, the dragoons and zealots sitting down next to it decided to end their picnic and decamp to the rear when they heard "Nuclear Launch Detected". But I still felt a rush of exhilaration as I saw that little nuke come down and annihilate those two cannons. Thankfully, it would not be the last time I saw that sight. My picture is now posted on 'Monkey Hot or Not' at

In fact, when a new ghost moved into position, he found a new cannon in the same spot, and a second warping in. Having just completed construction of my second nuke, I decided there would be no better way to aggravate my opponent than destroying these same cannons a second time. And so, I did. This time the blast also managed to take out the damaged pylon that had powered the two, so I expected their return to be a bit slower this time. The quarter system sucks.

Like the best of government agencies, seeing the success of this nuclear gambit, I decided to expand the programme and started constructing a second command center, above my natural, for the express purpose of nuking. I decided that my next target had to be something even bigger than a cannon, if only for the P.R. value, so I chose to strike the nexus at -=b8ta=-'s natural. A third ghost stepped forward, placed his mark and waited peacefully for the nuke to fall. . . . no wait. . . . zealots and dragoons are coming his way! Look out! Phew, defensive matrix just in time. I'm actually not sure how that nexus died, since I did not EMP it prior to the nuke falling. . .



Archons are type A personalities, don't you think?At this moment, disaster struck. Like parents coming home as you're getting to second base, a group of Protoss troops debarked from shuttles and proceeded to ransack the northern side of my main. Dragoons, zealots, reavers. . . .even an archon, tore through my sci facility and my academy. I would not be able to produce any ghosts for a while. Thankfully, three just produced tanks, some ghosts and an EMP managed to clear up most of the attacking force. Two rogue dragoons, led by the archon criminal mastermind proceeded to attack some defenseless supply depots.

The last time that I saw this, it was definitely in a 2v6 comps.I could have cared less though, and not just because I was receiving head from two beautiful blond haired coeds. . . . alright, I made it up, but I've got to do something to keep the raters reading this. My counterstrike was already on its way, in the form of a dropship and two ghosts. "Two ghosts?" I hear you asking. Yes, two. For by this point, my auxiliary command center had completed its silo and had a little bundle of joy waiting for the Protoss. These two ghosts landed on the now familiar wall behind -=b8ta=-'s main, and two little laser pointers started pointing at -=b8ta=-'s tech buildings. No enemy units were close enough to interfere, and in a moment, the cyber core, observatory, and carrier beacon were gone. As soon as a new nuke was ready, the more adventurous of my two ghosts went down the stairs, and stood in the midst of the remaining Protoss structures. Then, with calm that belayed the heroism of his actions, he pointed his laser beam at himself. Although the nuke wasn't between his legs, it didn't stop him from giving a little "Yeeehaw" before he, and the Protoss robotics facility were vaporized.

This picture shows a little ghost, trying to call in a nuke, when suddenly, two photon cannons finish their warping procedure.A hush settled over the battlefield, as I realized my central expansion was out of minerals, and setup a new command center to the northwest. If I had thought about it, I would have realized that the game had passed the fifty-minute mark, and I still had 0/0 upgrades for all of my units. Instead, I continued in blissful ignorance, and struggled instead to rebuild my science facility and academy, so that I could produce more ghosts. I also felt motivated by a strange desire to destroy the templar archives and stargate that had been damaged by my previous nuke. Of course, rather than doing it the easy and intelligent way, with some tanks and medic/marine, I chose the circuitous and, well, stupid way. . . . nukes! Two more ghosts were dropshipped into -=b8ta=-'s base, and proceeded towards the remaining tech buildings. What is this?? Two new buildings warping in! What a catch, I'll be able to destroy not only his existing tech, but make him waste the money he was spending on new buildings. Thus, one of my ghosts was ordered to place a nuke right on top of one of these warp points. Of course, in the heat of the moment, neither I nor the poor ghost on the scene thought to look at what type of building was being warped in. This had . . . erm. . . unpleasant consequences.

Overheard among country zealots: 'Why I bagged me three of the biggest scvs you've ever seen . . . 'With this setback to my nuclear programme, and still waiting on the reconstruction of new nukes, I decided to follow up with some conventional weaponry. Again underestimating the current strength of my opponent, I sent in only two dropships of tanks and marines, and landed them on the same stretch of wall, in the back of -=b8ta=-'s base. The speed of his response indicated that he wasn't particularly surprised by this move. His first zealot was easily dispatched, as was the next reinforcing group, with the help of a defensive matrix on one of my tanks. A well-placed psi storm finished my infantry and one of my tanks, while four shuttles-full of zealots and dark templars dropped on top of my last tank.

Noticing an embarrassingly large surplus of minerals in my coffers, and seeing this large mass of Protoss infantry, I decided on a program of mass marine recruitment. After all, I couldn't nuke each zealot individually, they might run away. After I had finished queuing up five marines on each of my barracks, a lone zealot decided to find my only functioning expansion, the northwest natural, and begin shaking down random SCVs for the contents of their wallets. Not getting much response, he began hacking them up, which prompted the beginning of the yearly SCV migration to the south. Unfortunately, the evil Protoss military-industrial complex had so heavily polluted the SCV's normal migratory pathway with cannons that not one made it to the mating grounds.

Since I still had a large surplus of minerals, I wasn't too concerned about the loss of my expansion, and I used comm sat liberally to determine that -=b8ta=- was also without an active mining site. Still, traditional Starcraft theory would dictate that when one is without a source of minerals, one must expand to a new site. Finding that I had a command center floating in the northwestern corner after it was forced to lift from the natural, and a bunch of my recently drafted marines loitering around at my main, I saw my opportunity to expand. Four dropships were loaded with marines and an scv, and sent to join the floating command center.

Honestly, I'm glad that he wasted his forces on this expansion.As the shuttles arrived at their destination, I got a little reminder that I was playing Starcraft and not SimCity, in the form of four shuttles making a drop off at my central island expansion. Although the local marine garrison put up a stiff fight, and managed to kill off a few dragoons and zealots, the overwhelming force eventually destroyed all my defenses, forcing me to lift all my buildings. I showed a callous disregard for the fate of the garrison by not sending any reinforcements to this beleaguered post. However, as the island held no more minerals, the buildings that were there really could afford to relocate themselves. Besides, at the same moment, my command center had landed at the northwest base, the escorting marines had disembarked, and an scv was constructing a bunker.

To add insult to injury, two corsairs arrived to start harassing my floating buildings in the middle of the map. Having reestablished a mining base I had reinstated my mass infantry recruitment program, but no one was around to drive off the corsairs as they chased my slowly moving buildings. A command center, a barracks, and a science facility were destroyed as they tried to escape to the east, but my starport managed to slip off unnoticed to the west. My dying buildings served one last purpose though, as they led the Protoss air force away from one of my dropships which landed a cloaked ghost in the rear of -=b8ta=-'s base. This intrepid fellow circled around under the cover of the high wall, and proceeded to target a nuke on a newly constructed cannon in the rear of the base. A few of the braver zealots and templars tried to stop him, but they were too late, and two templar were vaporized in the blast. Meanwhile, the ghost escaped to the north, hiding once again behind the high wall.

Not satisfied with one kill though, he continued to the east side of -=b8ta=-'s base, where he was accosted by a zealot, despite his cloakedness. Retiring to the north, the ghost, feeling vindictive, assassinated a probe that was sitting around, before returning to his original target ground, just as the radiation levels from the first nuke reached healthy levels. Unfortunately, this attempt to call down a second strike was ended when a zealot's cold steel met the ghost's warm intestines.

Keep visualizing this picture when I discuss any attack I launch with infantry.A new group of cannon fodder. . . errr elite space marines. . . were ready at my main, and they set off to avenge the death of this poor ghost. Three slackers fell behind the group and began shooting up the abandoned assimilator at -=b8ta=-'s natural, but nine stoic fellows continued onward. . . .onward into a psionic storm as they moved towards the ramp. . . . onward into a second as they reached the top . . .onward until a zealot came up and cut asunder the last marine standing. This would not be on the U.E.D. newsreel at eleven. The moral of the story is, never go in front, always lag to the rear.

Meanwhile, -=b8ta=- had stumbled across my now up and running expansion in the northwest, when a lone archon stopped by. Seeing that the archon was scared off by my bunkers, I decided to order another attack, again by the PBI. This time I thought that I would send a cloaked ghost in support, but unfortunately his presence didn't alter the course of the fight that much. Psi storm took out most of the marines, with a well-placed archon finishing the rest.

You can visualize this one also.As I ordered a third wave of marines to hit the ramp, three Protoss shuttles unloaded in the northern section of my operating expansion. Three archons, along with zealots popped out, and although one of the archons was destroyed, the remaining Protoss troops sacked my base, even managing to destroy my command center. Meanwhile, back at the ramp, my third wave of marines was eaten up by psi storm and archons once again. Like a crack addict coming back for more, I sent a fourth group of marines in, this time with the benefit of an armor upgrade. This time the archons don't even get to the party before psi storm had laid waste to my infantry.

Using the attack on the front of -=b8ta=-'s main as cover, a dropship slipped in to the north and dropped off a ghost. At the moment his laser was targeted, the escorting science vessel noticed an observer pop up, followed by an archon. Strangely, although the archon is mostly shields, the EMP blast that the sci vessel launched failed to destroy the archon, and in fact didn't even prevent him from killing the ghost. In the confusion of the moment, I ordered two more ill fated groups of marines forward to attack -=b8ta=-'s front, convinced that he was almost out of both troops and money. These squads were once again decimated by a combination of psi storm and archons.

Now, a lesser commander might have been discouraged by setbacks of this type, might even have changed his tactics. I on the other hand, would not be discouraged by the light and momentary troubles. However, I thought that at the very least, a change of targets would be in order. As the infantry attacks progressed, a dropship had noticed some probes mining from the northeast main. The presumed nexus there would be my new target. Acting on this initiative, another dropship was dispatched with two ghosts. When they arrived on the high wall, they looked out and were quite surprised to see probes mining, but no nexus. "Ooooh, that -=b8ta=- is a crafty one," I thought to myself. Evidently, he was sending probes from the nexus at the northeast natural, to mine at the northeast main. Having established that -=b8ta=- did not have any other active expansions, it seemed imperative to prevent him from gaining any more minerals. I could try and nuke the mineral line, but there was no guarantee that it would destroy all the probes. It seemed that destroying the nexus at the natural would put an end to the situation more efficiently. Of course, I would go about the task in the least efficient means possible.

Overheard at general staff meeting: 'They held their ground, and not a man among them ran away.  They all died where they stood. . . .'-=b8ta=- had rebuilt two cannons on the cliff overlooking his nexus, and each of these two cannons in turn was targeted by a nuke. Although the pylon powering these two cannons survived, the cannons themselves were gone, so I counted the engagement as a victory. Assuming that there were few active Protoss troops left, I took a moment to land a command center at the northwestern main. Unfortunately, shuttles arrived, and dropped zealots and an archon to attack my budding expansion. The command center escaped, I felt the sting of once again having no mineral source. It seemed as if both -=b8ta=- and I were running on fumes.

Nevertheless, I continued with my plan to halt -=b8ta=-'s illicit mining operation. My ghost stood on the cliff overlooking the natural, and with the help of a timely EMP burst, was able to destroy the nexus with one nuke. As corsairs chased off the offending science vessel, the ghost proceeded eastward, to open up the northeast main for my refugee command center. He targeted a nuke on the Protoss photon cannon there, and efficiently destroyed it.
The Chinese invented fireworks, the Terran merely perfected them.

Having temporarily expended my available nuclear assets, I decided to drop a conventional force to finish the job of destroying the northeast natural. Two tanks and seven ghosts were dropshipped into the area, and began their deployment. While the tanks sieged up on the ridge, the ghosts cloaked up, and moved towards the ramp to assassinate any templars that tried to approach. Finding that I had a new nuke completed, I ordered one of the ghosts forward to target the Protoss buildings at the bottom of the ramp. In a moment of seeming divine epiphany however, -=b8ta=-, without any nearby detection placed a psi storm right on top of my ghost. The templar's luck ran out though, when he tried to approach my tanks, and was shot by the six remaining ghosts.

As the tanks on the ridge continued their bombardment, three shuttles unloaded on top of them. Archons, zealots and templars poured out, and destroyed the tanks, but not before the ghosts were recalled and managed to lockdown and destroy a shuttle. The remaining Protoss troops loaded back up and departed, except for one archon, who evidently was chasing the ghost whose cloak had run out. The unfortunate archon died without knowing who his killers were.

A second nuke at the northeastern main destroyed the remaining Protoss buildings there, and allowed my command center, damaged as it was, to land and start up a mining operation. Having secured more minerals, I felt confident enough to drop another nuke on top of the remaining buildings in the northeast. This nuke fell unhindered by psi storm, and some rogue marines cleared out the remaining pylon.

My confidence was shattered by the sudden appearance of a massed group of archons, templars and zealots in my starting position. They attacked southwards, towards the tanks and bunkers that had been sitting at my ramp since the beginning of the game. Their ranks began to thin as arclite fire rained down from above, and they struggled to navigate around the remaining factories and barracks. The zealots and a dark templar made it to the bunker and managed to destroy the tank, but were in turn cut down by automatic weapons fire from the marines in the bunker. The two remaining archons dallied around amongst the factory complex before deciding on a last attack on the bunker. They approached the bunker and lashed out with their psionic energy blasts. The marines in the bunker were terrified, as their bullets seemed to have no effect on the flaming behemoths. A science vessel approached the frenzied melee. Time seemed to slow down as an EMP missile left its bay on the science vessel and started its descent towards the archons. One of them turned to look up at the approaching projectile. The conjoined minds of Lemadon and Mersadorr saw their combined 1600 years of life flash before their eyes: school days at the temple complex back on Auir. . . . hitting on older templar women psionically from across the room as young neophytes. . . . fighting against the dark templars during the civil war. Then, in a moment, the EMP burst hit them, their shields were swept away, and they were cut down by a few simple titanium alloy slugs from a standard issue U.E.D. assault rifle. Clauswitz talked about 'friction' in warfare, that which throws all plans to hell. . . .this game was like mega coarse sandpaper. . .

It had been -=b8ta=-'s last hurrah.

Of course, I didn't know this at the time, and so felt compelled to send more marines to their deaths at the hands of templars at -=b8ta=-'s choke. Finally displaying a small degree of tactical finesse, I next ordered some marines to land via dropship on the eastern side of the Protoss main. These marines cleared out a cannon and a pylon, before moving west and reaching the gateway complex. Spreading out to avoid any psi storms, they began to methodically shoot to pieces the structures with their limitless supply of ammunition.

Resigned to his fate, -=b8ta=- admitted defeat, and as a gesture of goodwill, sent an envoy to share vision with me. He had no active expansions, only a few fighting units and only the buildings at his main, along with less than 400 minerals. I was in possession of a larger military, and an active expansion. It was an hour and forty minutes since the battle had begun.

Wiping my forehead I glanced over at greencrayon, who had come into the room and watched the last thirty minutes of the contest. "That was insane," I said, and he simply nodded in silent agreement. Turning back to the screen, I typed "GG", and then allied -=b8ta=-.

The scores were as follows:











Now, rather than simply lecturing you on what lessons are to be learned from this game, I thought that a quiz would be in order, to help everyone organize their thoughts. So, simply read each question and set of answers, and choose one and only one as correct. A review of each answer will follow each question.

1.How many nuclear launches were there during this game?
A) None. Everyone knows that Zerg can't launch nukes.
B) Nukes?? There aren't nukes in Strifesh . . . . oh wait. . . .this isn't a SS report?? Well screw that!
C) -=b8ta=- launched three nukes, two of which hit their targets, punknbeans launched two nukes, neither of which hit their targets.
D) 22
E) 2498732987563

While "D" appears to be correct, in fact, the correct answer is "E", 15645484321.

2.If you had been in command, what would you have done besides massed marine attacks on the Protoss main?
A) I would have done the same thing. . . . I also think that photon cannons are the best Protoss unit.
B) I would have done exactly the same thing. . . . the Terran dude won right??
C) A coordinated assault involving vultures, mines, tanks, goliaths and science vessels.
D Broodling the probes.
E) For the love of God, anything else!!!!

This is another tough one. "C" seems reasonable, but it is the sucker answer. The correct answer is again "E".

3.What was wrong with punknbeans having only 0/2, 0/0, 0/0 upgrades at the end of the game?? (attack/defense, infantry, ground, air respectively)
A) Nothing.
B) He should have had uniform upgrades across the board, so 0/0, 0/0, 0/0 would have been better.
C) I 0wnz J000!
D) This is a trick question right?
E) Hahahahahahaha. . . . 0/2, 0/0, 0/0 . . . . Hahahahahahaha!

While answer "C" is almost correct, based on the landmark decision Potter v. The City of Houston "E" is actually the correct answer.

4. How will you rate this battlereport, and what comment will you give?
A) Two less than what everyone else gives it.
B) 0. You Suck, y0u sux0r, you sUX. . . . . Have animal sex with me.
int rating;
D)10!! You are awesome. You can send the cashiers check for $50.00 to the address I emailed you.
E)Your literary style was reminiscent of late Flaubert. As in Madame Bovary the author paints the character's foibles and humanness with such detail and color that one cannot help but imagine . . . . . awww hell, it was alright. 8.

Sorry, you're on your own for this one.

Thank you for your participation. I hope that you have enjoyed it.

As a final note, I'd like to say that this battlereport is in honor of all veterans of the United States and other allied nations' militaries, for their service and sacrifice. Our freedom to post crap like this is due to their valor. Thank you.

This is a thank you to all servicemen from the US and other allied nations who have fought for freedom.

Credits: Thanks to greencrayon, alferdpacker, el_sux0r, DaTherapist, and NU_SOLDIER_404 for their input and editing skills. Thanks also to -=b8ta=- for consenting to let me report on this display of Terran prowess. And a final thank you goes to the late FunnyStalin. We hope that someday soon he returns from hell.

This has been a Viaduct production.

Why a duck?


"You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women are cold, and I'm hot under the collar..."

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