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"The tank rolled up to the cherry spot on my plateau, pulled out Mjorlnir and made him my bitch."

Shirukens, Grappling Hooks, and FFA
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Date: 04/08/01 11:04
Game Type: Starcraft
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Lifetime Rating for The..Scarab: 8.4583
Hi. Hi.  Hi.  You know, people, there comes a time in every man's life, where he absolutely MUST read a The..Scarab Battlereport.  This, my friends, is not one of those days.  But let me make it very clear that, if you don't, you may have to live the rest of your life knowing that you may have missed out on something spectacular.  You might wake every morning thinking that you had lost several enjoyable minutes of your life.  One of those mornings, you may decide that its too much to live with, to the point that you strip to your 'comfortables,' run out in the street waving an Alaskan flag screaming something about the MothaLand.  Then you get hit by a truck and die.  So please, for the sake of yourself, Alaska, and all disgruntled truck drivers, read this mofo.

Yes, that's right.  Now I know we're talking about Brood War, but don't you think that just about all the good players on Bnet have to be ninjas?  I mean, in one form or another.  Weather it be the Annoyance Ninja skills of Ling-Erie, the Narcotic powers of Grand Master Proto, or the Obese Ninja tactics of my own, we're all Ninjas in one aspect.  But the question is, whos the BEST?  And how wil we EVER find out?  Well, duh, put a bunch of people in a BR, and see who wins.  So that's exactly what I did.

Now, lets get on with the Ninja profiles.  I mean, they each have to be good at something, right?

Krebster- Master of Acid

[0]SmaK- Master of Vagina Clan Tag

Abyss-X (Apex)- Master of Drop

(orky)DySaBLeD- Master of Foreign Speaking BroodWar Players

`Cactrot- Master of Devo

Jarvis_Christ- Master of Underscore

I hope you're good at matching the little race faces with the names.  Cause that speaks for itself.  I hope you can read and recognize the map, Wheel of War as well.  Cause that's the map.  Now, before we get started, there's a little background info to take care of.  See, there was a little more to this BR.  More specifically, Krebs.  See, Krebs wanted to make things interesting, and chose to do so by dropping some acid beforehand.  Of course we had to wait a little while, but not long.  Once Krebs was ready, we were ready, and the start button was pressed.

Well, I guess I have to drop the ninja thing and get to the actual Brood War talk, so that you damn game freaks that flip the hell out about detail, and writing can have ONE LESS THING TO WHINE ABOUT IN THE COMMENTS!   ..ahem.  Anyway, heres your PRECIOUS  BUUUIIIILLD ORDERSSS.

Krebs, being zerg, does an understandable Hatch, pool, gas/hatch.   Understandable, that is for a guy whos about to meet the penguin.  His pool says alot, as his build wouldn't diverge far from strait ling.  The question was, what the hell he was gonna do with them.

Jarvis goes simple depot, rax, depot/gas. fac.  Leading anywhere from more facs, to starports.  Knowing the players of this game, it might just have ended up a little gayer than that.  And let's make things easy on me for once: [0]SmaK does the same exact thing.

Abyss uses his dropping Ninja Toss skills and immediately drops from the game.  Haha.  Not really.  Actually he goes Pylon, Gate, Pylon/Gas, core.  Gosh, he must have learned his toss from ZNZF!  AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

`Cactrot whips it good with a Hatch, Hatch, pool/gas.  Vunerable to a rush, but hey, who the hells gona run into a bunch of guys in red hats with a whip early on?  Yea, thats what I thought.

DySaBLeD insists on being korean, and does the same thing Apex did.   Pylon, Gate, Pylon/gas, core.  Although he throws in a Forge as well.   Doing that, only to be the Koreab outcast he is, I'm sure.

You're probably hoping that something interesting happened in those few minutes of build orders.  Well, you're in luck.   Because I forgot to mention the 7th Ninja of this game, Ender, Master of "I'm a stupid fag that dosen't know how to stay in a game."  He asked a stupid question and left.  DySaBLeD also said something funny about asians.

That, my trainees, is a perfect example of how to suck ass as a Ninja.  Other than that, the only other thing that sparks the slightest interest was the sliding of Krebs.  It was taking him awhile, not slowing his BO or anything.  But trust me people, he was ready.

Ahhh, yes.  By the time Krebs was done being able to PLAY IT, it was apparent what each player was up to.  Thier differing Master Ninja skills would now come into play as they set off on thier own path.

Krebs got a jump on things.  His trip must have enhanced his speed because he quickly got a supreme number of lings, and had scouted well with his Olords, easy to do in Whell of War, I suppose.   But his tripping Ninja skills wouldn't come into play just yet.  What was he gonna do with those lings?

`Cactrot had some ling games of his own.  His quick multiple Hatches made for lotsa lings, just as Krebs had.  However, as his Devo sensei had told him long ago.  "Burrow owns."  Indeed, he sent packs of lings outside of his base and burrowed them.  Both him, and his tripping zerg counterpart had something to stir up some trouble.

In some horrific acid trip spaz, Krebs sent his 2-3 groups of lings smack into the middle of DiSaBLeD's base.  They made quick work of a few drones, before the Protoss could send his only defense to the situation, Goons, and a lone Zealot.  Although that itself wasn't enough to deal with the problem, he was smart enough to run his Probes to help out.  This kind of problem required every single probe he had.  The Korean Ninja sensei was displeased, however, as there was just too many lings to deal with.   Many of them were killed, that is, until the second and third batch of them followed.  DySaBLeD's buildings were going down one by one.  His last resort was to run away to the southernmost expansion and quickly expand.  It seemed to work at first, as Krebs did not follow, but would it last him?

At the other end of the map, Smak, and `Cactrot had a confrontation of thier own.  Smak had quickly thrown up 3 starports, and make 3 wraiths accordingly.  He flew them to what seemed natural, south, right into `Cactrot's main.  And since our 80's rock band loving friend had nothing but burrowed lings, he had quite a problem to deal with.   He did what seemed normal, and threw up a quick Evo(DEVO HAHAHAH) chamber, and spores to follow.  With a few correctly placed colonies, the spores did thier job, and Smak's air force flew elsewhere.

Now, for the drop master, Abyss.  Now, this gag came into effect as we attempted to create the game.   It was horribly lagging from one person or another.  And Apex decided to blame it on everyone.  "hey guys, recconect and get 1g" "Hey guys, turn off AIM and ICQ"  "Hey guys, get better lag pls thx gw"  It all ended with a "Apex was dropped from the game" on the first attempt.  NOW WHO NEEDS BETTER LAG? Ahhh yes, it feels good.

Anyway, what he was doing in the game was important too.  Yea.  He made gate after gate, making Zeals, Goons, and Temps.  To support his horde, he slowly grabbed 2 expansions below him.    If he was left alone, this strat of his could take his dropping master skills all the way.

I'd now like to take this time to say, damn Jarvis.  Damn the bastard to hell.  Because he did what no sane man should do.  He, being idle up until now, was left alone to mass a group of infantry, and sneak around the corner into Krebs' base.  His lings were still mingling in the remnants of DySaBLeD's main, so he little-to-nothing to defend with.  That, "horribly wrong thing that no sane man would do" was eliminating a potential hilarity throughout the game.  Krebs couldn't hold on, and was promptly eliminated.

Damn it.  Damn it.  But all was well, because the acid sliding powers of Ninja Krebs were too much to be killed by a simple loss in BW.  His Ki affected our game, even from the channel.

With Krebs' loss, I flew my cursor elsewhere, and discovered that SmaK had decided to stay effective with his Wraiths.  After leaving `Cactrot. He needed something to do with them.   After hearing that Jarvis had taken out another player, he deduced that there was an open base to torture.  Some effeciently placed turrets kept SmaK from doing any serious damage, but they weren't effective enough, as the Wraiths were simply flown behid his peon line, and took them out one by one.  Instead of running them however, Jarvis did what he does best, and went: "___ __ ___ __ _ ____ _ __ __", then, taking advantage of how extremely pussy wraiths are, and simply put some medics among his SCV's.  This was quite effective, as it took awhile to even get rid of one peon.  It also gave time for him to run his infantry back home and deal with the pesky flyers.


Although Jarvis looks somewhat frail from the looks of that map, that wasn't the case at all.  He had quite a force of infantry to be mean with.  The only problem was that it wouldn't last him very long if he didn't stop going "___ _ ___ _ ___" and expand.  `Cactrot had a healthy number of lings to do harm with, and would soon have a job to do.  Abyss had discovered these lings by means of "scouting."   Yea.  Anyway, he reacted quickly by making a few DT and sending them to take the lings out.  However, `Cactrot had an overlord, and used some 'micro' to deal with the invisible little bastards.


But Abyss wasn't done yet.  He figured he had done away with enough lings to finish off `Cactrot with his remaining army.  So he took nearly all he had, that being Goons, Zeals, and Temps.  Seemingly plently do finish the job, as he had been left alone to expand all this time.  But, on his way, he ran into the remnants of DySaBLeD, who was assumed to have just been floating around somewhere, had actually established a new base, and had pumped 12-14 goons by then.  Of course, that wasn't nearly enough to stop Abyss, who opted to sidetrack, and deal with the remainder of the Protoss enemy.  Hew swept through the few defending Goons, and proceeded to take out DySaBLeD.

With that taken care of, Abyss went on with his original mission to take out `Cactrot.  However, the news of DySaBLeD's death was heard among everyone, so `Cactrot was ready to whip it good.  He placed his entire force in a position to handle any attack, and simply waited for the Protoss to invade.



Abyss' attack was unsuccesful, and the 80's power of `Cactrot prevailed, putting him ahead in the ninja race.  Although victorious, he was still put low in numbers from so much storm.  Too much to make any kind of counterattack.  This put the 2 masters at a stalemate, at the remaining 2 contestants had a battle of thier own.

SmaK decided to take the ga route, and attempted to cliff Jarvis.   He grabbed a spot to the upper left of Jarvis' main to hold it by sending wraiths.  However, the wraiths did that gay little floaty thing while holding still and ended up a little too close to a pack of infantry.  4 or 5 of them were blown out of the sky before SmaK could order them to retreat.  The power of the vagina had to act quickly, and soon had a dropship with 2 tanks.  They landed rigth away, sieged, and layed the fury of a thousand crotches onto Jarvis' base.

Jarvis did all he could to stop the tanks, but they were just too far away.  He even went: "__ __ ___ _ ___ _ _" alot, BUT THAT DIDN'T EVEN WORK.  Damn.  Luckily for him however, since the tanks were that far away, they could only do as much damage as they could reach.  So Jarvis took advantage of SmaK's lack of mobility, and imply marched his army into SmaK's main.

SmaK gets owned, as mass infantry wipes through his wraiths, and few tanks.  He had a little infantry of his own, but not nearly enough to stop Jarvis.   He was beaten down and forced to ask for obs.  "My pussy hurts, my pussy hurts, Daddy, my pussy hurts, let me obs."  His obs request was granted, although I'm sure he showed a little vagina to be granted such a wish.


As you can see, Abyss has taken quite a numebr of expansions, and had a target in mind.  He wanted to do away with the lings of `Cactrot.   Now, he could whine about the lag, and them drop, as he does best.  But that isn't the situation here.  He needed a group to deal with lings effectively, and figured a bunch of Zeals and DT could do the job.  So he rounded up his force, and took head on into the zerg main.   He was first greeted by burrowed lings, that jumped up and caught him off guard, but they were too few in number, and were taken out.

Abyss dealt with the problem nicely, and took out `Cactrot's lings, as well as the remainder of his expansion.  He only had a few DT to finish that job, however, `Cactrot left his expansion alone to die, as to buy time to muster force to finish Abyss.   He had thrown down a Hydralisk Den and a Queens Nest to get a little variety.  Casue we all know how diverse Devo is. ..  ...  Anyway, Abyss chose to be diverse himself, in a much different way however.  None of the players had attempted to take out his epxansions, so he had plenty of cash to afford alsmot anything.  He opted to throw down 4-5 Stargates,   more than likely with intentions of carriers, and thats exactly what he did.

With fully operating Stargates pumping out Carriers, Abyss was a bit hasty perhaps in letting everyone know of his scheme.  He sent the first 2 carriers he made on some sort of scouting mission, and ran into a lone Overlord.  With that in sight, `Cactrot made a quick Spire, followed by TONS of scourge.  But Abyss was more concerned with Jarvis.  With every new Carrier that came along, he grouped them outside the Terran main.  When about 5 reached the area, he sent them in.  The infantry did thier best to hold off the big fat ass blimps, but it was no use.   Marine heads popped one by one, and Jarvis, being the honorable ninja he was, underscored his way out of the game, conceding to drop power.

Now, we were at the end.  This was it.  The final ninja battle to determine which was mightier.  The 80's craprock power of `Cactrot, or the hypocritical lag whining of Abyss.  Devo boy had plenty of time to muster tons and tons of scourge, as well as Hydra and queens.  He also ha tons of lings remaining from throughout the game.   Abyss, had his 6-7 carriers, as well as the usual DT/Zeal.  He had goons and HT scattered about as well.  But which would prevail?  Who was the true, TRUE master Ninja?

The carriers were too much.  `Cactrot tried a different tactic, and led his lings all around the map to rid of the Protos epxansions.  He succesfully took down 2 of them, by using dark swarm over a pylon, taking out that pylon, rendering the cannons useless, then taking out the rest of the expansion.  This would have won him the game, however, the Carriers were simply too mobile and powerful.  They ignored all Plauges, and flew over and around Hydras.   Queens were of little to no use as well.  Zealots and DT finished the job, and Abyss became the master ninja.  The Master Ninja Of Dropping.

So what does this mean for the bnet world?  Are we now going to see a spawn of droppers, and disconnecters because of this bastard?   Wouldn't you have much rather have seen devo freaks in red hats all over bnet?  ..would you?  Ok, well lets just stick with the hope that niether of these ninjas affect us, and that this never happens again.  Yes, that sounds well.  Ok, thats enough out of fatty for tonight.  See you next time.

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