To begin, I must advise you to read the first three parts of Fux0r here, here, and here. They will enhance the experince of this section, even if GeoWhoreBagCities stopped allowing external pic links.|
THE ADVENTURES OF FUXOR
PART FOUR: THE NEXT GENERATION
Fux0r was ashamed of himself. Sure, he has been beaten before. Never by a preteen. A preteen in a two-piece swimsuit (slut). A preteen in a two-piece swimsuit that uses water Pokemon. Water Pokemon. Whoever thought that "Bubble" and "Water Gun" would be viable and lethal attacks? It sure would make birthday parties more interesting ...
MOM: OK kids, who wants party favors?!
KIDS: I DO I DO I DO I DO!!!!
MOM: Well, you'll all get one, but Timmy gets first pick because he's our birthday boy!
(Mom brings out a tray full of noisemakers, water guns, vibrating pens, and Gymboree bubble blowers)
MOM: OK, Timmy, what do you want?
TIMMY: Uh ... I'll take ... this one!
(Timmy grabs a water gun)
TIMMY: I'm gonna get you, Sally Peterson!
SALLY: No, Timmy, don--
(Timmy fires, Sally explodes)
KIDS THAT WERE NEAR SALLY: Ewwwww ...
SALLY'S BODY PARTS: (silence)
A defeat like this has placed a bitter stain on the soul of Fux0r. Depressed and alone, he leaves the land of Pokemon Red, never to return.
But what's this? There's another Pokemon game? One with new lands and creatures? One with new adventures? One without the dirty dirty two-cent whore, Misty? Sign me up!
BOY ARE THINGS DIFFERENT
One thing seen in Pokemon Gold/Silver is that it is in color. Ooooo ... colors. Another thing is that there are 100 new Pokemon to be found and beaten into a pulp so you may add them to your collection. Fux0r was not on a quest to collect them all. Fux0r was on a quest to make the ultimate Pokemon team. One that can look at any trainer in the eyes and say "U R DED AND HEAR IS MY BUTT!!"
But to make that ultimate team, he would have to first enter the game. First thing he noticed was his new spanktastic threads.
After walking around a bit, he found Mom. His new Mom. This one doesn't seem much different. She didn't know what day of the week it was, though. Poor, Alzhiemer-riddled mom. I could have told her it was Gutterbumberday and she probably wouldn't have cared much.
It appears that there is also a new professor that I must whore myself out to. This one likes to call himself Dr. Elm. Must all doctors name themselves after trees? Is it some sort of ritual that whenever you get through medical school, you must change your name to some sort of plant or tree? I hope so. I want to be a doctor just so I can be "Dr. Sub-glabrous Corkscrew Plant."
Anways, its time to head on over to the good Doctor's house. It appears that one of his man-hos, Mister Pokemon, has some sort of "interesting and strange discovery" that Dr. Elm just HAS to know about. In excange for doing this, I will be given a Pokemon of my very own.
I get to choose between three Pokemon. The one I choose here will be the backbone of my PokeSquad. I will use it to kick PokeAss and take PokeNames. It should be able to take the opponent down by merely belching in its general direction.
Here are the three that I can choose from:
CYNDAQUIL: It's a fire Pokemon, but to make it cute for the kids, it's a ferret. A ferret with quills. Orange quills. I suppose I can see the power there.
TOTDILE: Now we're starting to cook. Everyone wants a crocodile for a Pokemon, mostly so they can then say "Crikey!" and "Danger danger danger!" and "Holy shit I've been bitte-uhhhn...*THUD*".
As fearsome as these two are, niether can stand up to the awe inspiring look of the plant pokemon I can have at my disposal. Yes, I believe Fuxor's choice will be:
Now for a name. Name name name ... ah!
SAVING MISTER POKEMON
Off I go now, to find Mister Pokemon. Where is he? Beats me, but I'm sure it's somewhere involving tall grass and fighting wild pokemon. Ah, here's one now!
Ah, HOOTHOOT! Another new pokemon! An owl with only one leg! How creative and new! I actually knew about this Pokemon before Gold and Silver were released to the American public. You see, I'm a fan of cereal (yum), and every time I go to the store, my brain goes into SUPER RANDOM MODE in terms of what I wind up eventually getting. Sometimes its Wheaties, sometimes its Generic Cocoa Puffs, sometimes It's Kibbles and Bits. With my brain and cereal, you just don't know.
One day, while shopping for the perfect cereal, I come across the good old favorite, Frosted Flakes. A cereal that says "Look at me! I'm nutritious even though there's more sugar in this box than corn!" Emblazoned on this box was the tantalizing deal that there was a Pokemon Top inside. And not just any pokemon top, but one from Pokemon Gold or Silver! I snatched the box from the aisle and made my way home. When I got there, I opened the box, flung all the flakes aside (Frosted Flakes aren't very good tops), and there it was, my very own HOOTHOOT. I tried it out. The top spun. It spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun some more. Unfortunatley, all that spinning was over in about three seconds. I DIDN'T CARE I HAD A HOOTHOOT AND STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.
The Hoothoot in-game was about as exciting as the one in real life. With the one in real life, if you step on it a few times, it will stop wanting to spin. With the one in the game, when Bob performs his "tackle" maneuver (don't ask), the little owl-thing simply keels over. Go Bob!
After running around for awhile, Fux0r finally made it into his first town, Cherrygrove City. Cherrygrove is noted for its utter lack of a gym and a slogan of "The City of Cute, Fragrant Flowers." Oh yeah, cute and fragrant, uh huh. Thankfully I didn't name my Pokemon SlingsNArrows. Cherrygrove was mostly a rest stop, as no Mister Pokemon lived there. He probably wanted to keep himself distanced from the "cute, fragrant flowers" before the local authorities came around. I figured that Fux0r should do the same, because who knows what kind of townspeople would want to smoke that leaf on top of Bob's head?
Finally, I made my way to Mister Pokemon's house. Lo and behold, he found a "mystery egg." Probably due to him being really drunk and spending a torrid night of passion with some Nidorina. He asks me to take it back to Prof. Elm, and LO AND BEHOLD, guess who shows up. Yeah, it's former Pimp Dr. Oak. Seems that those two bratty kids, Red and Blue, did jack shit for finding pokemon for him, so he gives me a completely empty Pokedex and tells me to go fill it out. Stupid professors.
Before I have a chance to take two steps out of Mister Pokemon's house, however, my phone rings. Phones are new to Pokemon Gold and Silver, and it kind of amazes me that every kid that plays this game is given the impression that you are supposed to have a cell phone for whenever you are away from the house. Maybe this is already happening in Japan. I wouldn't be suprised, what with their sleep tubes and calisthenics and "Pocket Wetties" and large lizards demolishing their cities and whatnot.
The person on the other end of the line was Prof. Elm. Apparently, "something happened" at his lab, and it warranted the use of many ellipsis for dramatic effect ... you know ... those three dots that go together ... they join together into one character if you use them in Word ... heard of them, right? ... you haven't? ... loser ...
I rushed back to Prof. Elm's lab as quickly as I could when, lo and behold, I'm stopped by someone. He taunts me a few times and *PRA-KOW* Fux0r is in his very first training battle.
??? (I'm gonna name my kid this)
BobTheNewt (L7) vs. CYNDAQUIL (L5)
Pokemon is essentially a game of rock/paper/scissors. No pokemon is overly powerful, since each one has a weakness that can be exploited blatantly. Throw Pikachu at a water pokemon and watch it (the water one) sizzle and bake like a little sissy monger. This is because Lightning Totally Fucking Owns Water. There are a great deal of these relationships, and it provides for a rather balanced game. For example:
- Fire is Spanked by Water.
- Water is Spanked by Grass.
- Grass is Spanked by Fire, unless the Grass Pokemon is BobTheNewt.
Using these rules, Bob wins the fight, with 6 out of 25 Health remaining. He also goes up a level for his trouble, giving him the ability of RAZOR LEAF (scary).
???, in a bitter rage, runs off like the little sissy pansy girly boy he is, most likely so he can find some of that nancy-boy hair gel he likes so much.
Turns out that ??? was a thief. He stole the Cyndaquil from Prof. Elm's lab, and ran off like some french person until I came along. Hmm ... he needs a name, what should it be? He taunts all the time, acts like he is the hottest shit in the world, insults others whenever possible, and Hawk was used before. Hmmm ...
So now Fux0r begins his new quest. One of awe and wonder. One of legend. One of such magnitude that it will rival epic classics like the Oddysey or Horton Hears a Who.
Or maybe it'll just give me more of an outlet to continue making with the obscure reference jokes. Speaking of ...
We all know and love those wonderful Warner Brothers Loony Tunes, right? Who didn't grow up on those smart-alec cartoon characters? These mere animated drawings set a great deal of rules for us to follow, like:
- If you're going to use jet-powered roller-skates, don't do it anywhere near a cliff.
- The stork is a drunken old bastard, so think twice if your kid is a different color than its parents.
- "Walla Walla Washington" is an official magic word.
- Sticking your finger into the barrel of a gun will cause it to explode in the shooter's face.
- Never ever ever make remakes.
Why do I include the last part? Well, most of us remember the off-shoot of Looney Tunes, and that was the Tiny Toon Adventures. A bunch of kid-WB characters all thrown together in a University (they're kids, in a university ...), who are all simply younger versions of the beloved classics that we knew and loved. All of the original Looney Tunes characters even had the occasional cameo as the teachers of the classes the kids were in.
The thing that got me most about the series was Babs and Buster Bunny. Why didn't those two ever get it on? Constantly and constantly, they would say "no relation", ensuring us that if Babs decided to hop on the Flesh Carrot Express, it would not break any of those damn strict Rabbit Incest Laws. Maybe they were too young, maybe they had an off-camera romance, we don't know. I personally think Babs was a lesbian, but pretty much the only other Tiny Toon that had any airtime was the female version of Pepe LePew, so who knows ...
MY POKEMON BRs USUALLY AREN'T THIS LONG, BUT CAN I PLEASE HAVE A 9?
So here begins Fux0r's quest, to collect one awesomely bitchin team of Pokemon. It begins outside of Cherrygrove, where there is wild grass aplenty. In earlier adventures, Fux0r noticed a Pokemon that would whip and beat Bob into the ground every thime they fought. His sole goal was to capture this pokemon, because if it can beat Bob, it can beat anyone, right? Right? OK, after capturing this elusive Pokemon (a Spinarak), it's time to give it an appropriate name. And we all know who owns Bob repeatedly, right?
So now it's time to set off, two pokemon in hand, to the first real city. On the way, though, Fuxor ran into a few trainers that killed the young Mosez and mortally wounded poor Bob with poison. On his last legs (paws? pods?), Bob managed to build up the strength to capture one more Pokemon. It has a skinny body, and a fat head. A disproportionatley large mouth rounds out this Bellsprout, who is now christened:
After a long hard walk, I finally made it to Violet City ... the City of Nostalgic Scents?! Whats with these people? All they do is battle Pokemon and smoke bowls! Maybe that's why no town is larger than 20 people, everyone is stricken with the dreaded low sperm count.
Ah well, time to take it to the Gym Leader, whose name happens to be Falkner. You know, it took me so long to figure out that all the gym leaders names are just parodies of the types of Pokemon they use. Misty, for example, uses water Pokemon. It's Mist, get it? Brock = Rock Pokemon, Giovanni = Italian Pokemon, and so on.
Falkner, like his name implies, uses Flying Pokemon. Before even bothering to check what-beats-what, in FuxOr goes to the first Gym! DIE, DEVIL BIRDS !!
Okay, so it's a well-known fact that birds eat bugs. And birds eat plants. So therefore my team was fuxxed in the bunghole from the beginning. I suppose now it is time to get some outside assistance. But who will save us in our time of need?
So with a new Pokemon added to Team FuxOr (bringing the grand total up to 4), time to spank me some Falknerage.
Fux0r vs. Falkner
PoA (L9) vs. PIDGEY (L7)
PoA uses his god-given talents to whip ass on an egg-laying Pokemon. In doing so, he loses about 10 HP, though, something that may hurt his score in the swimsuit competition.
PoA (L9) vs. PIDGEOTTO (L9)
Well, now PoA has something to fight against. At half health, PoA put up a good fight, but a combination of previous injury and the Pidgeotto's powerful "Gust" attack (don't ask where the Gust comes from, exactly) puts too much heat on the Ratatta, and he falls.
MrPimp (L3) vs. PIDGEOTTO (L9)
Hmm ... Flying vs. Something that Flying Bitch Slaps 9 Days A Week. One hit kill for Pidgeotto.
Mosez (L5) vs. PIDGEOTTO (L9)
See "MrPimp". It went by so fast I couldn't even take a pic of Mosez at full health.
BobTheNewt (L11) vs. PIDGEOTTO (L9)
Well, it's down to the last two Pokemon. BobTheNewt is at full life, but chances are the Pidgeotto will keep laying some holy smackdown with that damn Gust attack. I'm reminded of the last part of The Hunted, where Kinjo, ninja extraordionaire, has just killed his samurai arch-rival and all his little pansy students, but has been beaten on so badly that some pasty white guy with no martial art skills played by Christopher Lambert can kill him.
Pidgeotto is Kinjo. Bob is the pasty white guy (sorry Bob). Like all white devils, however, Bob uses a potion at a crucial point of the fight and steals the victory away from Pidgeotto. Badge one is now Fux0r's.
Will Fux0r achieve godlike status and actually get all 8 badges this time, defying both logic and any traps I decide to put in his way? Will his dream of building 0wnage Pokemon team be complete? Find out, in the next installment!!