|"Heartcutter is a giant tourist eating african gorrila with 50 wives and 285 children"|
|Guns n' Mosez|
|Date: ||12/03/00 10:12|
|Game Type: ||Other|
|Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 5, Max: 10, Min: 9|
Lifetime Rating for Bob the Newt: 9.3654
Many picture ahead. Slow modem get smash. No good. You wait. Do this while wait.
Yes, this is a counterstrike BR. Since most everyone here is a sc player, you probably don't know what counterstrike is, or at least don't play it. To quickly explain it, it's a teamplay based FPS that's an add-on for halflife. Your team; counter terrorists or terrorists, has goals, like to rescue the hostages or plant a bomb, you can win a round by accomplishing your goal or by killing all of the other team. You get money during it based on how many people you killed and whether or not your team won, and use that to buy guns and equipment at the beginning of each round. If you've played other FPS's but not this, then you'll probably find yourself wondering "wtf why aren't these newblors strafing?!?", well that's because your accuracy goes way down when moving, and gets worse over distances, and gets better when crouching.
I message Punck and command him to play, who puts up as much resistance as usual ("ok"), and we're off to the I Can't Win server. Once in the game, I see that the map is militia, a rescue the hostages map. Counter terrorists start out on one end of a tunnel, on the other end is a house where the terrorists CAMP, I mean guard, the hostages. There's an alternative path through the sewers that leads behind the house, but going down there runs the risk of hand to hand combat with Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, and/or Raphael.
My joining was well timed, as the last round was just ending. I choose CT's since I like being on offense best, and as soon as we spawn I buy myself the versatile and economy priced MP5. For some reason I forgot armor, but hey whatever. I follow my teammates down the tunnel, and arrive in the area in front of the house. Expertly dodging enemy fire, I move from box to box until I am at the house. Now I move around it, and up the ramp on the back. I take the ladder up to the roof, where I will be able to rain fiery destruction in the form of 9mm slugs down upon all I see. Unfortunately -
I get my ass blown off the roof as soon as I reach the top of the ladder. Now that I'm dead, I notice that fiend is here, better known as Spookage to us sc players. However, he's on terrorist, so he's just gonna have to "get rape." So, next round rolls up, and I have enough money to buy a better gun this time. I get the Steyr AUG, a lot more accurate than the mp5, and it has a zoom feature which makes it a lot lot more accurate than the mp5. We charge out the tunnel, and as soon as we're in the open Punck drops to sniper fire from none other than Spook. Goddamn Korean bastard.
I strafe to the left, and zoom in on the roof. Sure enough there he is, awp in hand. Ah yes, that's something you should know, the awp is the most annoying gun in the game. It fires extremely slowly (you have to put in each bullet separately, which takes like 3 seconds), but kills you in one shot no matter where it hits, and has 2 zoom modes. If the bullet goes through the edge of a box or a door you might be lucky enough to survive with 6 hp. I shoot at him in bursts, and move from side to side when he's about to fire to throw him off. A few bullets connect, but only body shots, and it takes more than a few to kill someone wearing armor. Then all of a sudden a soft thud, and I'm sideways on the ground. Of course, my death is like a domino effect, and we soon lose the round.
Spook switches to CT, because he loves me this much *holds up hands 2 feet apart*. We decide to brave the sewers, so that we may attack from behind, something Spook is very good at. I buy another aug without realizing that I don't have enough money for both it and armor. Ah well, armor is for pussies. After navigating the corridors, which are surprisingly clean for a sewer, we soon encounter 2 terrorists. I dart back around the corner, then quickly charge back out and open fire on those fuckos rambo style. One of them bites it, I duck back behind the corner, reload, and come back for more. 2 down, 0 to go. And I'm still alive, with a godly 2 health.
Afterwards, I notice that the few teammates that were around me are gone. I cast a glance at the scores screen to see what's up, and find everyone but me dead on CT's, and 3 T's left. What will happen is obvious, So I announce it : But, as soon as I climbed the ladder out of the sewers, FPF-Mosez killed me with one shot. Bah, hacker. Next round - I immediately die to sniper fire. Then Punck dies to [DR]Ender. Then the rest of the team dies to whatever. Ouch.
This time I don't even have enough money for an mp5. So I go to my contingency plan for this situation, stay away from enemies and wait for a teammate to die, then take his weapon. I follow fiend and some other into the sewers, and someone dies quite quickly. I rush over to his body, and claim my prize . . . a fucking shotgun. Blah blah blah we die, who cares about rounds where I get a shotgun.
Spook offers an interesting change of strategy for this round, camping. Now, camping when your team is the one with goals to accomplish within a time limit is "innovative" to say the least, so I was up for it. We hang back around our start point for a little while, then finally make our way down the tunnel. Off to the left is a fence which separates the entrance to the sewer from the open ground, and Spook thought it would be a keen idea for him to crouch, and me to use him as a stool to jump on top of the fence.
I scope for enemy threats from atop my pixel thin perch, but nothing comes. Maybe because we're no where near anyplace they have any reason to be at, but whatever. After a little while me and Spook realize we're the only guys left. Shit. I jump off the fence, with inevitable results :
I endure my horrible injury, we run towards the house, and encounter FPF-Mosez along the way. We both open fire, but he opened first, and did a mighty good opening at that. To be specific, he got 2 headshots in about half a millisecond. Hacker hacker hacker!
After not too long another round has started, and I decide to be gayer than usual and get an awp. I run down the tunnel, and set myself up to the left. Quickly zooming in, I see cloak camping in the same spot on the roof where Spook was, and aiming for me. However he cannot match my amphibian-like reflexes, and is smacked down. The rest of my team is doing equally well, with terrorists going down faster than Hawke on Mark4. I go around the back of the house and up the ramp, then go back down to the first floor where the hostages are kept. Just as I see the hostages, I die to a headshot from the last goddamn terrorist, who was hiding in the garage. *&)$@# Luckily, he's killed shortly after, and we finally win a round.
Don't have quite enough money for an awp this time, so I go for the steal a gun strat. Works out well, I grab an mp5 from some hapless teammate in no time. I go around to the back again, hoping to climb the boxes into the attic, then work my way down to the garage in case anyone is hiding there again. Someone makes the mistake of trying to get in my way, but my mp5 has something to say about that, and it isn't "pardon me, you first." Once I find the attic and garage to be safe, I go inside the house, providing me another perfect opportunity to die to FPF-Mosez. Yay.
The round served its purpose though, as I now have enough money for another awp. Considering my mass deaths, I opt to change my strats. Once out in front of the house, I creep around, zooming in and looking for any possible targets. I see Bloodyfool coming in from around the back, but he looked at me funny, so I had to drop him. I fall back to around the rocks near the cliff, and soon notice Cloak running out of the house. He tries to blitz me, but my expert aim has him deader than X_Mage_X in Compton.
I look at the scores, and see that I'm the only CT left, and the only terrorist is . . . FPF-Mosez. Lets see if you can guess what happened.
PunckCS: you made fun of me didn't you?
PunckCS: screw you
PunckCS: i'd quit your clan except i don't want my stats erased
PunckCS: so i'll stay
PunckCS: but i'll be bitter towards you for
SidN MIT: hey give me the source code
SidN MIT: then delete it off your comp
SidN MIT: i'll fix it for you
SidN MIT: then give it back k?
Did you guess correctly? If so, FUCK YOU
It's time to get back to my roots now, mp5 in the sewer. Going through its passages I encounter 2 terrorists, who seem to be trying to hurt me. I blast the first one away quick, and backpedal around the corner with 14 health before the other one kills me. One of my teammates charges in while I reload and takes out the other terrorist for me. I see the terrorist I killed dropped a somewhat large gun, so I ditch my mp5 and pick it up, hoping it's a SSG552 Commando, the BADDEST ASS GUN EVER MADE FOR ANYTHING EVER, which also happens to only be available to terrorists.
What I didn't expect, is that he had dropped a machine gun. Now, for those of you who don't know, machine guns are very heavy (you walk a teensy bit faster than an ensared reaver when holding them), very inaccurate, and slow firing compared to the submachine guns and automatic rifles. On the upside, its bullets are really powerful, and its clip is fucking huge, 100 bullets. So if you ever do survive long enough to reload it, that means either you've killed the entire enemy team, or you've been firing at a wall. Agent has a fetish for using them, he once went fucking crazy with it, killed 10 people in one round. Myself included. But anyone else will pretty much agree that machine guns lick the folds of skin on a rhino's cock.
I look at the scores, and pause to giggle that both me and Punck are at 6-9. Getting back to business, I continue down the sewers to the ladder at the end, and climb up to the surface. First thing I see is my old buddy FPF-Mosez and one of his terrorist lackeys killing a CT. Well, we can't have that, now can we? No sir!
WHEN YOU GET RAPE YOU STFU, MOSEZ.
Ah yea. Anyway, right after that I died to some punk wielding a UMP, but hey who cares. Since I'm dead, I set my camera to follow Punck, who soon kills the guy who I must say, has the best name ever made :
You just can't compete with that, you simply can't. Next round, I use the money from my mass Mosez rape to fund another awp. Oddly enough, the first thing I do is kill fatbtch, who was attempting to snipe on the roof. I still love him. I strafe left and see Iazpithe Fridge, zoom in and take him down. However I wasn't able to kill him before he sent one of my teammates flying through the air with machine gun shots. Hmm, maybe those things are ok afterall.
Right after that I die to a headshot from Charlie the Tuna, who's name is suspiciously like mine, I might add. Punck goes on to avenge my death and then some, before getting taken out by Edge~TK. The round comes down to one T vs. one CT, but the CT dies while rescuing hostages. Fuckin reload time. Another round rolls by and I go for the lucky mp5 in sewers. FPF-Mosez is foolish enough to confront me, so I have to waste him.
Nanoseconds after I die to a headshot from TF-Mutaslayer. Dirty dirty feared's. Eventually it gets down to [DR]Ender vs. Spook and Punck. Ender is camping in the corner of the kitchen with the hostages. Spook runs in from the left, but he gets assrammed by Ender's ak47. Punck enters just as Spook kicks it, and caps Ender before he can react. Score one for CT's.
Now this round was a doozie. I go through the sewers again, and survive with a few scratches without getting any kills of my own. I make my way into the house with a teammate, and upon reaching the kitchen, and after wondering where the hostages are, we receive a tip from Surgie that [DR]Ender is camping behind the door to the kitchen and garage with the hostages as a shield around him. Being a complete idiot, I decide the best course of action would be to shoot through the door, killing both the hostages and Ender. I open fire on the door, and so does my trusty companion.
Now, here's where the real genius comes in. After emptying a clip into the door with nothing happening, we reload and start firing again, just incase he comes back. While we're doing this, Ender has circled around the building, came in the other side, and was right behind us. He kills us all, and another teammate that was coming, without us even so much as turning towards him.
It seems Spook is trying to one-up our stupidity, and is attempting to snipe from the roof with a Desert Eagle. Again, if you don't know, the Deagle is a high powered short range pistol. In case you haven't already guessed it, that tiny figure behind him is Mosez. Pop goes the Spook to the SG552 fire!
And that's it for that! The map timed out, and started loading for the switch to CS_Office. Here's the final scores :
If it looks like my deaths and kills don't match up with what I described, that's cuz well, they don't. I BRed this entirely from looking at my screenshots and remembering what happened, so if I didn't screen it it didn't happen =P
1. Newt owns.
2. Mosez sucks.
3. But not as much as A-X!