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"I typed 'heh' and my opponent replied with a poetic 'grr'"

Sex, Starcraft & Battle Reports
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Date: 11/02/00 04:11
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 10.0, # of Ratings: 2, Max: 10, Min: 10
Lifetime Rating for WilliamWC3: 9.0882
Warning: This report contains warnings of a non-sensical and silly nature. If you encounter such a warning it is strongly suggested that you ignore any advice gleamed from reading said warning, and if possible avoid reading the warning all together. The warning may or may not warn you not to follow this warning in an attempt to confuse you but it is imperative that you not heed this warning. If you have already been warned by a previous warning to disregard all future warnings than please disregard this previous warning. You have been warned.


Warning: Although you have been warned previously to not heed this warning it is imperative that you not heed this previous warning and heed this warning. The following report contains hundreds of millions of bits of binary data which will swarm like locusts through your modem or ethernet card feeding on processor time and system resources until your computer, cache filled with superfluous title jpegs, processor melted into one big lump of moltent silicon, fan twisted and mangled beyond repair, and modem charred beyond recognition comes crashing to a complete system halt, reduced for all eternity to the role of an oversized paper weight.

Warning: Last one, I swear. This whole report is in Korinna regular so if you don't have it download it here, extract it to your windows\fonts directory and then refresh the report (six hundred times). Thank you and do have nice day.

Hello there. Hey.. aren't you that guy who always has his name at the top of because you exchanged sexual favors for quotes? Yes. Didn't you used to like write battlereports and stuff? Yes, but that was a long time ago. Now I mostly hang out in nohunters claiming to be female, making wild hacking accusations and wondering where all the nhers have gone, and why that bot keeps kicking me every 15 seconds. Occasionally I'll tab out to post "HAHA 15 secs J'0aned!!" on the forum and test my latest wacky marquee scheme in someones comment section. Sure I'd reminisce about the old days. The rating controversies, the infamous black stripe, that time JV's code cut my I_Hate_Medics chronicles in half... but that chapter of my life is over.

Or it was until now...

So there I was, sitting in nohunters, being banned from games, counting people who claimed to be female and watching people try and talk to me as I cleaned my keyboard. Suddenly an internal processing error occured deep within my cerebrum. A neuron misfired. A thought was generated. I'm going to write another battle report. Before I knew what was going on the following words appeared in the chat log next to my name: "KEKEKEKEK ME WATCHY ME MONKEY BOY ME BR YOU NOW;sdkjfsd KAKAKAKA." Fortunately for me, no one knew what that meant.. Well almost no one. Hawk.. whispers me that he is interested in being br'ed. Unfortunately everyone in the channel is either offended by Hawk or afraid of him (or afk since June 1967). To make a long story short, Hawk finally finds some chobo to beat up on but I am too distracted by a nearby shiny object to join the game. And there our story ends, or so it would have if not for a particulary observant suitemate of mine.

Enter JPaikman, stage right. JPaikman aka Josť aka the mexican exchange student down the hall, had seen my neural spasm and took me up on the offer. Well the last time I br'ed my roomate I did get excellent reviews such as, "This didn't suck" - RandomNHer and "Pics didn't load and I couldn't read text but looks good :)" - AnotherRandomNHer, so maybe this isn't so bad after all. Hmmm well as all good br'ers know there are certain things that must go into a good br. First one must have two players. Then one needs... um... well lets just focus on the players for now. How could I find a second player for this game? Well I could post on the forum and then test each applicant to diagnose their skill and then rank them by... or I could just spam the channel and take whoever isn't afk. I of course chose the latter. Fortunately this technique proved amazingly successful as MasturNate quickly agreed to "game". Well lets get this party started.


JPaikman, who is also my suitemate named Josť has starred in four of my battle reports and has even won one of them. He is an above average player (by nohunters standards) and has been ripping shit up as of late. Will JPaikman be able to continue his trend and add another br'ed victory to his impressive total of one? Time will tell.. well actually I will tell but time is involved in this somehow.


MasturNate, known by those who know him as Mr. Nate, MisturNate or just Nate is the challenger in this battle report. And quite a challenger he is. If you've ever done /stats on him you know he's played more games than there are jpegs in this br and won quite a few of them. A professional starcraft player Nate can be found in the channel on almost any day or night, always willing to game whether its 2v2 or 1v1. Also an above average player (again by nh standards) he'll play anyone who challenges him obs welcome, just don't patrol the bengalass in his supply line.

Nate creates the game and JPaikman and I join. I quickly notice funny little numbers appearing next to my name. I look over to see what map I am adding to my large collection and see to my surprise, not SUper$+!!!$$$$ but Forsaken is the map Nate has chosen for the first game. I initially assume that this is Forsaken Valley but quickly realize my mistake. In fact it turns out it isn't a blizz map at all. With a little bit of research I was able to deduce that this map was made by Jinxy. The map is 128 x 128, 4 player, desert tile with mains in the corner. Each main has one very wide choke and no natural. There are expansions at 3, 6, 9 and 12 and a double expansion in the middle. All of these expansions are below a cliff accessible only by air. There are also cliff expansions accessible only by air next to each main. For more Jinxy maps you can go here.

Before we go any further I'd like to introduce you to Captain Ulionovich Rychesky Chobosky of the United Earth Directorate aka Captain Chobo aka the voice in my head that tells me to do the bad things. Hiya. Captain Chobo will be watching the game with me, making senseless comments, and eating all of my chips. Hey I told you to get the open ones. There are no open ones. Yes there are. Now give me those. Gimme 'em. Just.. *ahem* And now the game.

As the game starts JPaikman finds himself in the bottom right corner as green and representing the zerg swarm for tonights first conflict. In the opposite upper left corner MasturNate warps in representing the evil alien protoss race. MasturNate entertains fellow observer Fear`Factor aka SOL999 aka BullShitPlayer while he and JPaikman develop their openings. Both players begin with fairly conventional builds. MasturNate goes pylon, gateway, assimilator, gatway, pylon, while JPaikman begins by building a second hatchery at the 3:00 expansion and then adds a spawning pool and a third hatchery in his main. Looking at the map, I see that it does not have any narrow chokes which could be advantageous to the zerg cerebrate's offensive nature, or for getting lurkers to MasturNate's supply line. On the other hand the map has no easily defended natural which may hinder JPaikman's swarm. Captain Chobo what do you think of the situation? Do you have any salsa for these... huh? Who do you think is going to win? That would be the terrans. Captain Chobo, there are no terrans. Just watch.

Anyway about this time, MasturNate's probe which has been wandering the map aimlessly for most of the game finally finds JPaikman's main bottom right. The probe immediately begins following a drone around toasting its back with its little lazer. Fortunately for the drone JPaikman realizes the situation and with the help of a couple other drones is able to drive off the robotic bastard before any of his diligent little miners are lost. At about the same time JPaikman sends out his own reconnaissance mission in the form of two zerglings. The zerglings head straight to the upper-left, having ruled out the other two choices by overlord. Once in MasturNate's base, the zerglings attempt to run around and cause some trouble but are quickly dispatched by the toss executor's two zealots. Meanwhile JPaikman gets gass, adds another hatchery to his main and begins upgrading the base to lair. MasturNate adds a cybernetics core and a citadel of adun presumably to work on that all important zealot leg enhancement.

As expected after MasturNate puts up a citadel, he begins massing speed upgraded zealots. When Nate's forces number seven, he sends them to gather at the choke of Paikman's base. Meanwhile though, JPaikman has stationed a zergling at MasturNate's choke. Two more of Nate's zealots on their way to reinforce the rest of his troops encounter and kill the scouting 'ling. However, its news has already been broadcast back the cerebrate and Jose soon has twenty four lings and two sunkens at his main. MasturNate sends his zealots which now number 10 into Paikman's base from the left side. JPaikman who sees the zealots immediately sends both of his control groups of lings at them. However, Paikman's sunkens which he placed behind the hatchery to make them more difficult for zealots to get to are not within range of the conflict and he loses a number of zerglings before he retreats back to his sunks. MasturNate pushes his zealots forward but quickly realizes that they are no match for the number of lings and sunkens, and he pulls all of his forces back to his base. Well it looks like both players are going to make it into the mid game, any thoughts on the situations of our players? You know, this reminds of that time Kate and I were stationed in the Omega sector and our commander, a real asshole, told us to...

In the mean time both players have been teching away. JPaikman has put up a spire and a queens nest deciding to use his double gas for a gosu guardian rush. On the other side of the map MasturNate has finished his templar archives and already cranked out a dark and a high templar. JPaikman decides not to wait for his guards however and aggresively sends about 36 lings across the map at MasturNate's main. Defending Nate's base is about ten zealots, an archon and a dark templar. The majority of the zealots die but not without allowing the dt and archon to clean up all of the lings, the archon alone taking out sixteen. So now both players have tried a major attack and been pushed back and both players have lost some troops. JPaikman still has his 3:00 expansion which Nate hasn't found yet. then Kate says "Why don't you just shoot the dark templar?" Oh my God, I don't think I've laughed so hard in my entire life.

As soon as all the zerglings have been slayed MasturNate retakes the initiative by beginning a nexus and a pylon at the bottom left main with a probe he had stationed there, and sending all of his troops towards JPaikman's main. Unfortunately for Nate, JPaikman had an overlord near the bottom left base and a zergling hiding in a corner. When the 'lord notes the budding expansion JPaikman orders his zergling to attack and MasturNate is forced to cancel. Meanwhile Nate's attack force consisting of an archon, two dts, one ht, and five or six zealots reaches JPaikman's main. Once again the forces are able to dispatch a large number of the 'lings away from the sunkens. However there are not enough protoss troops left to handle the sunkens. While the last zealots die Nate's templar lays a couple of storms down in JPaikman supply line crippling his economy. MasturNate escapes with a lone archon leaving JPaikman with two thirds of his supply line a couple of lings and both his sunkens. Die evil psionicstormsonofabitches!!! Die Die Die!! Umm.. lay off the crack, k? Sorry, I hate those guys. Don't we all.

Paikman has now finished his hive, and deciding to hold off on guardians for a bit, he continues to mass produce lings and gets the adrenal glands upgrade for them. Meanwhile Nate, determined to expand sends a zeolot and a probe to bottom left. He destroys the 'ling which ruined his previous expansion attempt and begins warping in a nexus and a pylon. When the pylon finishes MasturNate starts a cannon and a gateway to secure his new base. However, six cracklings arive on the scene just as the cannon is finishing warping in and they manage to kill, the zealot, probe and warping cannon with two lings remaining. Soon JPaikman arrives on the scene with more lings and MasturNate is forced to cancel his remaining structures once again. MasturNate, intent on revenge, counters by sending a dark templar down to slice up the zerglings. However, JPaikman's overlord is still in the area and the cerebrate is able to destroy the dt before too many of his lings die. Now, though Nate sends five zealots and an archon down to the bottom left base and finished off the rest of the lings losing his archon.

While all of this conflict over the bottom left base was going on, MasturNate, being the sneaky guy that he is, has expanded to the upper right main. Now MasturNate decides its time for another attack so he sends his five zealots from bottom left along with six more zealots and two templars from his main to Paikman's main. Unfortunately for the 'toss executor JPaikman decides at the same time to send 24 cracklings across the map to MasturNate's main. The cerebrate's cracklings catch Nate's troops spread out and kill most of them with few losses. A couple of zealots that do get through join MasturNate's forces from bottom left and enter JPaikman's main finding it relatively abandoned. The protoss troops manage to slice up a couple of drones and kill one of the sunkens but soon Paikman has 14 more lings and takes out the attack force. Meanwhile, back in Nate's base, MasturNate manages to hold off the 'ling offensive with a hastily trained dark templar, two cannons and a shit load of probes.

MasturNate now finally finds JPaikman's 3:00 expansion with a scouting probe. Nate continues to build dark templars and bring his upper right expansion online, while fear asks the question which is on everyone's mind. So now the situation looks fairly even again. Both players have one expansion. Both have been pressuring each other hard but neither have been able to deal out the final blow. Would you wake me up when there is a terran in the game?

About this time, JPaikman builds his first gas requiring unit of the game. The cerebrate morphs three mutalisks and flies them immediately to the cliff just south of MasturNate. Once there he morphs all three into the much awaited guardians. Meanwhile MasturNate who has been paying attention to JPaikman's tech structures, arguably even more so than Jose, has built a stargate but has not produced anything out of it as yet. The three guardians finish and begin floating slowly upward into Nate's main. Nate, who has yet to build a dragoon does have three templars and he makes an admirable attempt to storm the guardians. However, Paikman's guards are well spread, and the cerebrate sends about thirty lings into the base which also require the templars attention. MasturNate loses a templar and a bunch of zealots but manages to kill all of the zerglings with the help of a dt. A corsair finishes at MasturNate's stargate and takes care of the three guardians before they can do too much more damage.

At the same time this is going on however, JPaikman has morphed two guardians and sent them into to bombard MasturNate's upper right expansion. Nate now has two corsairs out and sends both of them to his expansion. MasturNate also sends a dark templar into JPaikman's 3:00 expansion where it is able to take out the sunken before an overlord can get there. The dt then begins slicing up drones, but its fun is soon ended by a group of lings and an ovie. These lings accompanied by about 12 more head up to MasturNate's upper right expansion where guardians have cleared out most of the defense. By the time the cracklings get there, the guards have been whiped out by sairs, but most of Nate's ground troops have also died. MasturNate now pulls out his supply line to fight the lings along with a dark templar he just built. JPaikman's overlord, however, is right behind the lings and the corsairs are unable to kill it before the dark templar is trounced. The cracklings slaughter the probes and then continue to work on the base. To make matters worse, JPaikman sends a devourer and five mutalisks to chase off the corsairs. The mutas and cracklings now quickly raze the base. In the mean time, JPaikman has set up a hatchery at the 6:00 expansion although he has yet to transfer any drones there. Wow, things certainly have taken a turn for the worse for poor Mr. Nate. Told you zerg would win. No you didn't. Yes I did. No y.. lets just watch the game.

MasturNate is now desperate for cash as he has now lost his only expansion and is dry at his main, and you know what they say about desperate times. Nate takes all of his mobile troops, consisting of five zealots, an archon, a dark templar, three corsairs, two high templar about 20 probes and a partridge in a pair tree, and sends over to the upper right base he just lost. Stationed there JPaikman has a hand full of lings, a mutalisk, two guardians, two devourers and two turtle doves. So this is it, the final showdown. Its all or nothing. Any comments, Captain? Huk huk. Insightful as always. MasturNate's big firebat, zealot, probe combination quickly eliminate the mutaling from the battle. The corsairs engage the three devourers and the templars attempt to sway that battle with a couple of storms. Despite JPaikman's devourer dancing, the corsairs are evntually victorious. In the mean time though the two guardians have been pounding on Nate's lone archon. The archon tries in vain to reach the guardians but there are too many zealots and probes sitting under them and the big firebat ends up spining in circles before it finally explodes.

Now JPaikman, realizing that all of Nate's troops are upper right sends a couple of groups of lings along with Math.random() air units to MasturNate's main where they find an abanonded base and begin to raze it. Meanwhile MasturNate sends all of his zealots, probes and templars from upper right down to JPaikman's 3:00 expansion where they find a defenseless supply line. Nate's troops chase the supply line out of the base, but Paikman has finally began producing drones at his 6:00 base and multiple waves of cracklings finally beat down MasturNate's zealot probe army. MasturNate concedes the game and we all return to the channel.

Lesson's Learned

  1. You can beat 'toss without building hydralisks.
  2. Cracklings own.
  3. Crackling + Guardian is "not that bad".
  4. If you ever need any gas just see Jose he has plenty.
MasturNate and JPaikman now have a lengthy debate over various starcraft strategies as I beg desperately for a rematch. There was the usual nh gibbering going on during this so you can just ignore any comments by ManiacMarine and EternalWhackage in the pic below.

This conversation continues for several minutes before I am finally able to break through and get them to agree to a rematch. To read the next part of this exciting series just follow the purple arrow.

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