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Don't Click
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Author:Don't Click
Date: 11/02/00 04:11
Game Type: Starcraft
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Welcome to part two. If you haven't read part one then you are in the wrong place and will surely die.

After trying unsucessfully to interrupt MasturNate and JPaikman's imbalance discusions I finally get fed up and say "nate* / x" and hit the create button. At the create game screen I am faced with a dilemma. They played on a non-bliz map before.. I click the directory named My Maps. Now which one should I choose. Ring Around the Base is too big for a 1v1. Rivers of tar is too much like the last map.. Ah, The First Space Base. Now there is a map. I select it and hit create. Both players join quickly, no observers this time, so I hit start and away we go. But first lets check out this crazy map of mine. Space Base is a four player, 128 x 128, space tile map. The map is divided up into four corners and a center area by a large diamond shaped catwalk which goes all the way around the map. In each corner is one main and a nearby natural. In the center there are four lowered expansions, one at each corner of the diamond, and a raised expansion in the very center which is accesible by two staircases. Also the map is littered with doodads because I like my maps decorative.

*Knock Knock* Who the hell could that be? Didn't I tell you I gave Kate a call. She said she might stop by. No, I'm pretty certain you didn't tell me. Hi. Hi Kate. Kate!! Hey Captain. Will, Captain Chobo, this is Jamie. Who? Oh, sorry. She still has her personal cloaking on. She's a little shy around strangers. *sigh* Hi Jamie. Hi. You're a ghost I take it? I knew this one ghost... Oh look a starcraft game.

After I convince the players to share vision, I quickly not that this is going to be a protoss v terran match up. JPaikman draws terran in the upper right and MasturNate gets protoss in the bottom right. Asside from a little discussion on what is "manner" by Mr. Nate both players set about developing their builds. JPaikman goes depot, barracks, refinery, depot and then begins his first factory. Meanwhile MasturNate goes pylon, gateway, gateway, pylon, forge and then finally begins an assimilator. So, any thoughts? Terran's got this one in the bag. Ya, 'toss sucks. I don't know why I asked.

Anyway, MasturNate finds JPaikman in the first place he looks and immediately begins causing trouble with his little robotic friend. The probe targets the scv which is busily constructing a baracks. However, before the scv's condition becomed critical, JPaikman orders it to stop building and with the help of another scv the probe is repelled. Meanwhile JPaikman is scouting counter-clockwise and thus doesn't find Nate's base for some time. But now, MasturNate has done a peculiar thing. He has sent another probe up to join his first and has a zeolot half way to JPaikman's base. I wonder what sort of trouble this crafty 'toss could have in store for Josť.

MasturNate's two probes and one zealot have now all reached JPaikman's base's base and they gather outside of it. Nate sends one probe in to check out the scene. The probe finds two marines guarding the base and decides to make a pylon right infront of the baracks. The two marines find this amusing but blast the probe to bits anyway. They now begin targeting the warping pylon. Now MasturNate sends his other probe and zealot into the base and easily kills the two marines. The zealot and probe now begin attacking Math.random() supply depot while JPaikman instructs an scv to build a bunker adjacent to the warping pylon. Now JPaikman has two more marines out and they begin to dance there asses off in order to distract the zealot from destroying supply depots. The pylon is now finished and MasturNate uses his probe to begin warping in a cannon and then target the scv building the bunker. The probe kills the scv but not before the bunker is finished. The probe now warps in a second cannon while JPaikman loads both of his marines into the bunker. But now, another of MasturNate's zealots have arrived and both 'lots begin targeting the bunker along with the probe. Any thoughts? That's bullshit. Kate? Um.. where's your bathroom? Jamie?? I think you're out of chips. Right..

Now this game is looking like it might be pathetically short as MasturNate's two cannons are about to warp in and JPaikman's sole hope for survival, is a badly burning bunker being pounded on by two zealots and a probe. But just when all seemed lost, eight of JPaikman's scvs drop what they are doing and rush to the rescue. Just then MasturNate's probe pops allowing three of JPaikman's scv's to immediately begin repairing. With the help of a freshly made vulture the zealots are now quickly finished. But now, MasturNate's cannons begin warping in and JPaikman's vulture explodes. However, by having three of his scvs repair the bunker and the other five attack the cannons, Paikman is able to quickly eliminate the two cannons without further loss. JPaikman now sends his scvs back to mining, allowing the bunker to finish off the pylon. Told you that was bullshit.

JPaikman now begins a second factory while continuing to produce vultures and marines. MasturNate now has two more zealots outside JPaikman's base so he decides to send them in and see what kind of trouble he can cause. JPaikman has one vulture and two marines in his base and through a lot of fancy footwork is able to kill both of the zealots losing the vulture in the process. Now both players continue to produce troops. MasturNate makes more zealots and sends them to the top of the ramp leading into JPaikman's base. When JPaikman has five marines and three vultures, he sends them up the ramp and is greeted by five of Nate's zealots. The marines serve as cannon fodder while the vultures get in some hits. After all of the marines have died JPaikman uses his gosu hit and run, spider-planting micro to take out the zealots, losing all but one of his bikes. Boooya! Easy there.

Unfortunately on the other side of the map, things are taking a turn for the worse for Josť, as MasturNate begins warping an expansion at the upper left natural. Back at home MasturNate has made finally finished his cyber core, made a couple goons and warped in a robotics facility presumably to eventually get obs since JPaikman now has spider mines. JPaikman, in the mean time has gotten an engineering bay and a missile turret just incase Nate is planing any sneaky dark templar tactics. MasturNate, trying to maintain the initiative, sends a couple more zealots into Paikman's base. These zealots take a couple of spider mines but still somehow manage to live long enough to make Josť dance. Now JPaikman decides to launch an attack of his own and sends two vultures down to MasturNate's main. MasturNate has two dragoons and a cannon defending his base, although the vultures are able to get around these and start firing on probes. The two vults kill a couple miners but soon explode to dragoon fire.

Now it is JPaikman's turn to expand, and he does so curiously in the upper left base just above MasturNate's expansion which he still hasn't found. MasturNate who is as unaware of the budding terran expansion as JPaikman is of his, begins warping in a pylon and then a cannon on the catwalk above his expand. In the opposite corner of the map, just outside of MasturNate's main JPaikman instructs two vultures to begin laying spider mines at the top of the ramp. Soon three marines and an scv join the vulures camped outside of Nate's base. MasturNate now sends a probe out of the base on some mission which will never be known as it instantly exploded upon reaching the top. JPaikman, now realizing that his containment force has been spotted sends his two vultures and three marines. In the base they find two dragoons a particularly beligerent probe on the front lines. JPaikman's vultures each plant a spider mine next to the goons and JPaikman is able to destroy both the goons and the probe with one vulture and one marine. But just then a shadow appears on the horizon...

Yes thats right, MasturNate has been teching hard and he now has both observers and scouts. His first scout shows on the scene. The scout kills the marine and the vulture easily. Now JPaikman's scv has not been idle. Just below MasturNate's ramp the scv has constructed a missile turret. Soon two more vultures and a marine arive to reinforce the terran structure. The troops run forward but when they encounter two dragoons and a scout they turn tail and bravely run away, away. Fotrunately for Josť, the two goons which follow, eat it to a couple of spider mines planted earlier at the ramp. The scout is forced to turn back by the missile turret although not before it kills JPaikman's one marine. JPaikman now has another marine on the scene though, and he sends it along with the two vultures back down the ramp where with some more fancy micro they are able to kill a dragoon. Now however, MasturNate's other goon finally kills the damaged vultures. JPaikman now has two marines on the scene and he begins construction of a bunker. Unfortunately before his bunker can finish, MasturNate comes in with his goons and kills the marines. The bunker finishes, but there is no one left to go into it and Nate's goons raze the defenseless terran structures.

Now, JPaikman finally begins building a barracks at the upper left, which he has been sharing quietly with MasturNate. Unfortunately for our fearless terran MasturNate notices the terran expansion first, and warps in a pylon just out of sight range of Paikman's command center. Soon the 'toss executor has two cannons warping in and the terran base looks doomed. He's got cannons warping in!!! Get your tanks over there! GOGOGOGOGO!!!! You know he can't hear you, right? The cannons come out and JPaikman is forced to lift his command center. Things get worse before they get still worse as MasturNate brings two scouts over to finish off the cc, and a tank which just arrived on the scene dies to a zealot and some cannon fire.

MasturNate begins warping a Nexus in where JPaikman's command center was, as JPaikman sends five marines and four tanks across the map to reclaim the upper left base. JPaikman's tanks seige up and kill both of the cannons. However, five of MasturNate's goons now arrive from his main, and he uses his scouts to attack with the goons. Because of the situation of the tanks, the dragoons are hit comming down the ramp and are all turned into soup without killing any tanks. But now, six more of Nate's arrive, and with the help of Nate's scouts which now number three, all of the tanks are killed. Two more tanks and two marines arrive from JPaikman's main, and are quickly slaughtered. Also in the confusion, the barracks for Josť built over there has landed in the corner upper right corner of the base and began producing marines. MasturNate soon finds the rax though and quickly puts an end to this nonsense with his scouts. Also while all of this is going on, two of Nate's goons have wanderd into JPaikman's main and fallen to Paikman's gosu vulture micro.

About this time both players expand to their naturals which I so thoughtfully provided them with. MasturNate now tries a serious attack on JPaikman's main consisting of about three scouts and six goons. Impressively JPaikman is able to hold this off with some walled off tanks and spider mines. However, Nate now finds JPaikman's natural expansion with his scouts which now number five, and he begins poping scvs. After several scvs pop, Paikman finally gets his marines into the supply line to chase off the scouts. Now JPaikman sends out another attack force, this one consisting of six tanks, two vultures and a marine. The force is presmably headed for upper left but is forced to turn around in the middle of the map when it runs into MasturNate's scout force. To make matters worse on the way back to his base, JPaikman's run into two dark templars who some how avoid setting off any of Josť's spider mines. Paikman now has two goliaths and a couple of medics to help defeat the scouts, but no form of mobile detection, so he loses his anti-air to dts and his anti-ground to scouts all at the ramp to his base. JPaikman now leaves the game in disgust before MasturNate can raze his base.

Lessons Learned

  1. When MasturNate says he is scout rushing, he is not fucking around.
  2. Vultures do own goons
  3. MasturNate hacks

Well lets see, thats one for zerg, and one for protoss.. Just shut up William. Would you please just shut the fuck up. Lets check out the post game chat.

You know what to do. Follow the purple arrow to more fun and amazement.

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