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Don't Click
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Author:Don't Click
Date: 11/02/00 04:11
Game Type: Starcraft
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Hello and welcome to part three... cyber?

Well after the second game both contestants call it a night, so we'll pick up the story the next day when I find both of them in the channel again. After I get them to agree to a third game, I ask if I can create on one of my maps again, and they, now knowing how gosu my maps are, quickly agree. I say "nate* / x" and away we go. The map I have chosen this time is the slightly more templesque For the puple seaweed. The map is a four player 128 x 128 map on twilight tile. The mains are in the corners on high ground with one ramp out of the base. Below each ramp is a natural expansion. The bases are all connected to the center by moderately wide chokes. In the center is a lowered double expansion with two ramps leading down to it. There are also four island expansions: two mineral only expands at twelve and six and two gas + three mineral patch expansions at nine and three.

*knock knock* Now what?? Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, me and Jamie ran into Deon and we invited him to your party. What party? Deons coming over! What's up guys? Deon!!! Hey guys I'd like you to meet Adarius. Um... there's no one.. I'm waiting. Come again? Oh I think he wants you to move so he can come in. Adarius is a dark templar. I met him over at the pub. He says the damnedest things. Well you guys can talk amongst yourselves. I'll be watching the starcraft game.

Now realizing that the two previous games have been different race match ups I kindly ask the players to select their races to ensure a different race match up this time. MasturNate chooses terran and lands at the bottom left base. On the other side of the map JPaikman who chose zerg morphs in at upper right. Once again both players begin with fairly conventional builds. JPaikman starts with a second expansion at his natural and then quickly adds a spawning pool. Shortly afterwards the zerg cerebrate adds a third hatch at the ramp. Meanwhile MasturNate builds a depot and two barracks at his ramp (not a wall in) and begins pumping marines. He also constructs a refinery and begins mining gas. So any opinions on the game? What game? Ya, terran's already won. Da terrans. Hmm what if MasturNate (god fobid) slipped out of his chair hit his head on the desk and was knocked unconsious for the first 20 minutes. ............ Da terrans. Daaaaa terrans. Who is MasturNate? Argh.

Now MasturNate, curious as to what his zerg opponent is up to sends out a fearless peon to investigate the map. He first checks upper left and finding no base there heads over to the upper right base where he finds a thriving zerg hive cluster. The scv observes a pool being morphed and then heads to the natural where it finds a hatchery morphing as well. Now the fearless scv heads back up the ramp to take another look at the cerebrates base. But just then four ferocious zerglings hatch and tear after the defenseless scv. Before he knows whats happening the peon is surrounded and all looks bleak. But this is no ordinary scv. Deon Peon fakes right goes left, breaks a tackle and he's free! Two angry lings give chase across the map. As Deon nears his base five marines come down the ramp to greet him, there are still two viscious 'lings hot on his trail, and screams of "Ruuun Deon Ruuuuun" can be heard coming from his comrades. Just as the scv squeezes between to the marines, the zerglings make one last final jump, but they never land. Both are blown to bits mid-air. BOOOOOOOYA!!!! Yeah Deon!!!!! What'd I miss?" Um... *cough*

As expected MasturNate soon adds an academy and develops his medarine rush. When he has ten marines and two medics he sets out across the map. Meanwhile JPaikman has few troops at his base as he has morphed to lair and put up a queens nest, apparently attempting to repeat his guardian rush of gosuness. JPaikman is not completely careless however, as he has morphed one sunken at his ramp and is now moprhing a second one at his natural. MasturNate's medarine arrives at the base, and ignoring the main charges straight into Paikman's natural. In the zerg's natural is one sunken, one almost finished sunken and about four zerglings. MasturNate's forces kills the lings, losing a marine or two to the sunken which is placed behind the hatchery. The marines now target the finished sunken, however before they can finish it off the other sunken finishes and two hidden lings flank the marines. The result is JPaikman is left with one sunken, and MasturNate with three marines and his two medics. MasturNate decides to pull his forces back to two firebats who have just arrived. In the process of retreating another marine is killed. Now there is a pause in the action (literally) as MasturNate fixes his screen.

MasturNate gathers more medarine outside of JPaikman's main. But JPaikman is sunkening hard, replacing his sunken at his natural and adding two more at his ramp. Meanwhile back at Nate's base the terran commander has a particularly interesting plan in mind. He has constructed a factory and two starports. The first wraith is out soon and MasturNate sends it straight to JPaikman's main where it is able to kill an overlord since once again Josť has zero units that hit air. Paikman soon gets a couple of mutalisks and scourge, however, and chases the wraith back to the growing MMF force outside his base. MasturNate now expands to his natural..Shhh.. has anyone seen Jamie? ..... Oh yes... oh yes Oh no. Oh yes... YES.. YES.. YES!! Ah c'mon guys, get a room.. no seriously get a room. I thought you said she was shy? Well she is until shes had a couple of shots Shots?!? KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE That's not right. They're not even the same species. Note to self: In the future do not invite Captain Chobo to watch starcraft games. What'd I do?

JPaikman now has five muties out and he sends them to the upper left base and then down to the 9:00 island, just above MasturNate's main, where he morphs two of them into devourers and three into guardians. While these are morphing the zerg cerebrate also decides to send about twenty-four zerglings down to support his air units. Unfortunately on the way there they run into Nate's containment force consisting of eight marines, four medics, five firebats and five wraiths. For those of you who have never played starcraft before, zerglings aren't an effective counter to any of those units. The zerglings managed to be massacred admirably however, putting little if any dent in MasturNate's troop count. Now, however JPaikman's air army has finished morphing and the guardians begin pounding away on MasturNate's barracks and any marines that happen to be standing nearby. MasturNate quickly sends his five wraiths back to his main, and with the help of three new wraiths (MasturNate has 3 starports now) takes out Josť's air force with out loss, proving conclusively that 8 wraiths > 2 devourers.

MasturNate now sends his wraith army straight at JPaikman's main. The wraiths run into two more devourers at JPaikman's ramp, and incase you missed it before, 8 wraiths > 2 devourers. Now however, JPaikman gets a couple of hydralisks out and chases MasturNate's wraiths away. Instead MasturNate sends an scv to the lower right to begin an expansion. A scouting crackling finds the scv while it is building the command center, but three wraiths sent to secure the area are able to take care of it before the scv is killed. Now MasturNate sends all 11 of his wraiths to JPaikman's natural, but is driven off by three hydralisks and three devourers. MasturNate brings his wraiths back to his containment force, where he now has a large group of MMF, a seiged seige tank and is constructing two factories. Just then I reach over for some chips but come back with nothing but some gelatinous material. I look over and there is goo all over my couch and coffee table. JIIIM!!! What the hell are you doing out?!? Get back in the basement! Hihihihihihihihihi Alright who let Jim out of his cage?? Um.. I think it was that guy. Who the hell is that guy?? ... and why is he drinking my liquid plumber? I don't know, he said he was looking for a Jamellan br. He seemed harmless enough. Argh.

MasturNate's who's bottom right base is just now getting online takes this oppurtunity to begin a command center at the upper left base as well. He has also now finished both of his factories outside of JPaikman's base and now begins a supply depot there. However, the scv never finishes, as 12 of JPaikman's cracklings come pouring into the containment area. MasturNate's containment forces currently consist of about 8 marines, 4 medics, 5 firebats, 10 wraiths and two seige tanks. The 'lings of course die quickly to the firebats although not before damaging some through tank splash. Right behind the cracklings are 12 of JPaikman's hydralisks and 8 more 'lings accompanied by three devourers. Although all of the ground troops die to tank fire they are first able to destroy all of Nate's firebats, some of his medarine, and all but one of his wraiths. Now six more cracklings come streaming in and through the help of more friendly splash, are able to kill some marines and one of the tanks. Finally JPaikman sends in six hydralisks and two guardians to clean up. The containment is broken and there are no survivors.

MasturNate desperately attempts to patch up the containment by sending another control group of medarine and some scvs, but the forces are met by cracklings, take heavy casualties and are forced to retreat. Now that the zerg cerebrate is free, JPaikman's first act is to send a control group of cracklings to the bottom right. MasturNate has one barracks in the bottom right which has produced three marines. The marines die quickly to the lings, Nate lifts off his command center and transfers all of his scvs to his natural. The 'lings of course give chase but are all butchered when they reach MasturNate's natural as he has been pumping firebats and now has about ten stationed there. To make matters worse two scouting lings find MasturNate's base upper left, where Nate is frantically trying to build three barracks. Soon the lings are joined by ten more of their companions and MasturNate is forced to cancel or lift off all of his structures. Always resourceful, however, MasturNate lands his command center from lower right at the 6:00 mineral only island and eventually lands his cc from upper left at the 9:00 island.

JPaikman now morphs nine lurkers where MasturNate's containment force used to be. He sends these along with eight or so hydras and two guardians towards MasturNate. The hydras which are scouting ahead, run into a large terran force consisting of about 8 marines, 12 firebats, 6 medics, 2 scvs, 4 tanks and 2 wraiths just outside of Nate's base. The hydras pull back to just outside the middle expansion where the lurkers burrow. When the guardians arrive JPaikman sends them in with some of the hydras. However, the wraiths cloak and kill the guardians while the hydras get slaughtered by tank fire. The lurkers (wisely) remain burrowed during all of this. Now MasturNate finally has a science vessel and he sends it ahead to see whats going on. He spots the lurkers, but some more of Josť's hydras have arrived and they chase the vessel away. Meanwhile JPaikman has expanded to both the bottom right main and bottom right natural. A couple of MasturNate's wraiths show up at the bottom right main and prevent him from mining for a while but a couple of devourers soon ends this harassment.

The temporary reprieve from senseless violence is short-lived however, as JPaikman is sending several control groups of hydralisks and cracklings down to where the lurkers are burrowed just south-west of the middle expansion. At the same time, MasturNate is trying to move his army out into the middle of the map. MasturNate's juggernaut consists of about 8 firebats, 16 marines, 8 medics, 1 scv, 4 seige tanks, 1 wraith, 1 science vessel, 1 ghost, and yes I'm sure 3 french hens are involved some how. JPaikman's first wave of hydralisks and zerglings is for the most part killed instantly although it gives time for the cerebrate to bring in half of his lurkers and burrow them next to the medarine. The result, predictably, is a lot of skewered medarine. MasturNate is now left with three tanks, a few marines, and some medics. JPaikman brings in the other half of his lurkers and burrows them close to the spread out tanks. MasturNate's SV is either dead or wacking it, but the terran commander comsats quickly and the terran forces are able to hold off the onslaught, with two tanks, two marines, four medics and five freshly built ghosts surviving.

MasturNate who is marcroing pretty well, quickly rebuilds his army and moves across the map, setting up camp outside of JPaikman's base at the site of his previous containment. MasturNate's army is now about ten marines, eight ghosts, three tanks, a firebat, five medics and five wraiths. JPaikman has also been pumping troops however, and he has about 18 hydras and 12 cracklings. The cerebrate now attempts to use this force to break his containment, however, the medarine / ghost / tank combination proves to be too much for the hydra / 'lings and they barely scratch MasturNate's growing army. Now, taking advantage of the fact that JPaikman is pseudo contained, MasturNate begins mining long distance from the center expansion and soon begins a command center there.

MasturNate knows that the zerg cerebrate has already expanded several times so he decides to go shut down one of these expansions. He pulls his containment force back from outside JPaikman's base and sends it to the lower right natural where the zerg has been mining for quite a while. Nate's troop count is now 10 ghost, 9 marines, 5 medics, 1 firbat, 3 tanks and 4 wraiths, and though he loses a few marines to cracklings in the attack, the natural expansion falls quickly. JPaikman realizing there are no more troops outside of his main, strikes back by sending a control group of 'lings and some hydras at the middle expansion where MasturNate's command center is now almost complete. Just then however, twelve marines arrive from MasturNate's main, and with the help of a couple of wraiths they are able to defend the center.

Now JPaikman decides for a slight change of strategy. He morphs, four guardians and two devourers and sends them to the 6:00 island. On the way there though, four wraiths catch the devourers away from their overlords and are able to get in a few free hits. Once the overlords move in range the wraiths get covered in purple goo, but they continue to fight and are able take out the devourers losing one of their number. MasturNate's wraiths then fly to the 6:00 island where they begin popping defenseless guardians who are busily taking down missile turrets. While the wraiths are busy with the guardians, Josť sneaks in an overlord full of hydralisks and begins unloading it on the island. The hydras kill all of MasturNate's wraiths but not before the wraiths with some help from the scvs kill all but the last hydra. The last hydra falls to the swarm of scvs. A mutalisk now shows up, but Nate is able to get up a new missile turret, and the scvs return to mining.

The gig is up now though, as MasturNate sends his army of ghosts, medarine and tanks into JPaikman's natural. Paikman tries to hold off the assault with cracklings but the concussive damage of the ghosts it too much for them. To make matters worse the zerg cerebrate also loses his bottom right main to a small group of wraiths. Desperate, JPaikman sends five mutalisks to the 6:00 island and morphs 3 into guardians and 2 into devourers. Unfortunately MasturNate sees this and begins constructing missile turrets under them. The turrets come out first and JPaikman is forced to cancel his devourers and fly them further back. The guardians come out and begin razing turrets but soon a single wraith appears and is able to take care of all three guards before the devourers can finish. MasturNate's army now charges up the ramp and JPaikman has no choice, but to concede. BOOOOOOOYA!!!! TERRANS WIN!!!! WEEEEEEEEE!!! Victory! *sigh*

Lessons Learned

  1. MasurNate is not fucking around
  2. Wraiths and Ghosts > Zerg
  3. Josť is better than that

Well, thats a wrap. The winner of our three game, Sex, Starcraft and Battlereports series is Mastur.. Shut up Will. You Suck!! Terran Rules!!! WOOOOHOOOO!!!!! We're going to Disney World!!! You guys aren't going anywhere. Here's the post game chat.

Imbalances Learned

  1. Zerg > Protoss
  2. Protoss > Terran
  3. Terran > Zerg
  4. My rating system > Mark's rating system
  5. >
  6.'s forum > Shockwave's forum
  7. Atheism > Theism
  8. NoHunters > X17
  9. Giz > Goz . God
  10. Debate in comment section > No debate in comment section
  11. Me > You

Game Statistics

  • # of Scout rushes: 1
  • # of Mass ghost strats employed: 1
  • # of Vespene gas mined by Josť: 2000000000

Bonus Point Opputunities

  • +37.2 bonus points to the first person who can name all the songs in my flash intro
  • +150 bonus points to the person who comes up with the most interesting fact about the intro (be creative)
  • +18 bonus points to the first person to correctly identify the species of "Jim" who made an appearance in the report
  • +2,341.26 bonus points to the first person to find the one and only time I have ever smurfed at this site. Admin are excluded since they might have special ip searcher powers, as are people who know me personally although I don't think any of them know. Don't ask for any hints, or to tell you if your guesses are right. If you find it you'll know.
  • -200 bonus points to any one who posts marquee in my comment section


All of the maps used in this report can be downloaded at no extra charge here

Unwitting Contributors

Fractal_Wave, HeartCutter, Jamellan, King_Lewis and Breeze

Special Thanks

A special thanks go out to the two players, and the continually raging party inside my own brain which made this report possible.

One Last Thing

If anyone was unable to download any part of this report please post your name and address in the comments section and I will hunt you down and kill you.


Some animals may have been harmed during the production of this report....... Sorry.

And now a word from our sponsor.


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