|"King operates a live-in porn shop and Orc lives in a cardboard box in the back alley. They only play StarCraft with one hand because.. "|
|Date: ||10/16/00 01:10|
|Game Type: ||Starcraft|
|Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 5, Max: 10, Min: 10|
Lifetime Rating for Fractal_Wave: 8.2537
"Let your rapidity be that of the wind, your compactness
that of the forest. In raiding and plundering be like fire, in
immovability like a mountain. Let your plans be dark and
impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a
Good night, evening,
morning, afternoon or what ever flavour of the day it may
happen to be in your particular time zone. For me, it is gone
three or four in the morning, as I punch the "submit report"
button, and hasten to claim my own first comment. Due to the
absurd lateness, I would ask that any petty complaints you may
make about spelling erros(yes, I did do that on purpose) or
images not loading be directed to email@example.com, where
they will be deleted as soon as they arrive. Thank you, and
have a nice day, morning, or night,
Warning: This report falls in to the
catagory of "epic", otherwise known as "fux0ring GD long".
There may or may not be pictures, depending on whether or not
Mercury is retrograde, and whether or not you are using the
nihlistic program known as Netscape. Not like the product of
the Anti-Christ from
Redmond is much better. Let me make no bones about it:
this report is going to pick your modem up, kick the living
hell out of it, and then feed it to wild dingo dogs.You have been warned.
Please, wait until everything has loaded before not pressing
the neato looking button, because I couldn't get ther
mother-loving flash movie to load properly. Not that I am
Suffice to say, if you pick a number between
one and twenty nine and a half, add the number of
BattleReports on this site, subtract the number of people in
the Hall of Fame, mutiply that by the lifetime
average of Mark4, add
the sum of the letters (A being 1), in WilliamWC3's
name, divide by Drefsab's
Rookmark, subtract the number of reports (including smurfs) ~CattleBruiser~ ever
submitted, multiply by the number of times probe, bless his
black little heart, has ever been an asshole, add the number
of people in A-X, add the number of Anime chicks in all of ::nobody::'s
battlereports, multiply by by the number of comments that FLS
has ever received for his reports, add the number of IP's Johnny_Vegas has
banned, subtract the number of times the letter "f" appears in
works of art, add the number of times people have accused me,
of copying YourRoleModel(while
raising the number to the compression level he used to
use in his .jpgs), subtract the number of English grammer
has ever made, add the number of hours Breeze spends
on art, divide by the number of times Heartcutter has been a
badass, add the number of times Bobo has said
"gay", subtract the number of times CynicalMagician has been,
well, cynical, multiply by the hex code of the Doctor's favorite color
aaaaaaaand divide by the number of hits on the site, and by
the time you've finished reading that incredible collection of
nothing, all the pictures will have been loaded. Spiffy, n'es
Oh, and special prize to anyone who gives me the
This has taken me literally forever to put
together. I got the first two games written up, and was just
starting on the pictures when I got sick of it and deleted the
writing. Through an interesting quirk of fate, I kept screen
captures. (I was going to delete them, but the phone rang, and
it was one of those female things,
and I lost interest in my computer.)
For the record,
females should be in the Hall of Fame.
Check out cool flash movie that wouldn't work in
Now then. Take yourselves back
to the big ol' i2e2
1v1 tournament, way back in the day. I got to write reports
for a few games here and there, and, after watching Team ER
take down The Imports, I ran into Kain and :+:jolly:+:.
Yes, the Kain. Yes, the :+:jolly:+:.
Kain-The-Feared, Kain, the Albertan Protoss (that's
a province in Canada
for you Yankee Basterds ) who, back in the day, was up there
with Monseiur Patry himself in terms of Canadian StarCraft
talent. For those of you who don't follow "pro" StarCraft, M.
Patry is that Grrr... character, the kid who won basically
:+:jolly:+: has been beating people about
the head & shoulder with his random game since third
and is currently ranked 5th on i2e2. The Man Who Laughs (at
you, not with you) hails from SoCal,
where you can drive for miles and still not see a break in the
They had been praticing together, and
were tied at two games each. They went to play the
tie-breaker, and I pulled a William. For those of you not in
the know, WilliamWC3 had a very classy and subtle way of
asking to watch a game. Like so:
watchy good manner me watchy me watchy manner me watchy me
watchy me watchy mememememeeeeemememwatchywatchywatchywatchy
ekekkekek monkey boy?@?1!!!.
They said yes, and created a game and I
joined. Welcome, ladies(all three of you) and gentlemen and to
Myself and Hone
watched the games. Yes, I said plural. Four games, in fact.
Party on, party people.
The map is everyone's
favorite, Le Temple De Lost. All apologies to Lewis and Orc
for abusing their lovley language
randoms, and soon oozes to 12:00 with his blood-red
hatchery, as Kain chooses protoss
and warps in at 6:00 with his shining white nexus. The
slavering zerg horde will take on the noble protoss warriors
in a duel to the death.
gets his drones mining away and sends his overlord to scout
3:00. Down south, Kain is performing
much the same with his probes. Jolly
powers up to 12 drones, and then makes a hatchery at his ramp.
His second overlord is sent to scout 9:00, while his first,
having discovered the distinct lack of Kain at 3:00, is moving down to
At 6:00, Kain has warped
in a pylon,
and is working on his Gateway. He proceeds to conjure a 2nd
gateway from the storehouse on Auir. Meanwhile, back at the
north end of the map, Jolly has laid
down a spawning pool and an extractor, and those happy little spiny
beasties seem to be on the menu.
Kain proceeds to shock the living hell out
of me and Hone by expanding to his natural.
Jolly, meanwhile, has begun his
hydralisk den. I always thought of a hydralisk den was where
the hydras went to smoke cigars and drink high-quality
rum after a long hard day. But maybe not. Under
any circumstances, Jolly's overlord
soon discovers Kain's expanding
expansion. Three zealots stand guard, and hope that the
overlord dosn't take that moment to go to the washroom. That
stuff is a bitch to clean off. Soon the expansion is
well-populated with probes that have been maynarded over from Kain's main. He also sends a probe scouting.
Kain then warps in a third gateway.
Technically speaking, this is known as powering like a whore. Technically speaking,
this is the kind of that that gets you killed.
update for those who want it.
What Kain does not know is that Jolly has not pulled a typical Zerg
has busted out with a hydra rush, and Kain could be in serious horse excrement if
he doesn't get the troop count to stop said rush.
Jolly moves out, taking four
speedralisks and eight zerglings down to Kain's natural. Due to travel time, the
match-up is four zealous, hard-drinking
zealots against four hydralisks and eight zerglings.
Both sides are constantly reinforcing their
troops, and Kain has just had his
forge warp in. Vegas
odds are 2 - 1 against Kain.
Jolly guns his zerglings towards Kain's probes, hoping to rip a few to shreds
before Kain can move them. Kain orders his little robotic army to hide
behind his nexus, as he moves a few zealots to deal with the
hydralisks. What Kain has not yet
realized is that these hydralisks are wearing rollerskates.
Kain's zealots, which now number five,
"advance towards the rear" in truly noble fashion, losing one
of their number. But there is method in Kain's madness. His zealots are now
intermingled with his probes in a fashion that keep zerg players
awake at night, keeping a weather eye out for proctologists.
Our friendly neighborhood cerebrate now moves his
hydralisks forward a dash, forming a veritable firingsquad
targeting Kain's nexus.
So far, he has yet to lose a single unit, and Kain has lost a zealot. However, this is
about to change. Kain and his
zealot/probe force sweep through Jolly's eight zerglings like the Broom of
God. As soon as Jolly sees Kain
attacking, his hydras begin firing at the zealots again. When
the proverbial dust has proverbially settled, myself and Hone
see that Kain has micro'd his way
through all the zerglings, and now faces eight hydralisks (a
few of which are new arrivals) against his three zealots and
four probes. There are more probes hiding behind the nexus,
being very very quiet.
control these two display is, quite simply, astonishing. Kain uses his probes to block off and harras
the hydralisks, while Jolly takes full
advantage of his speed, and dances them thar hydras like a
in a certain film about Saturday Nights. Which are good
things, by the way. There's lots of sex involved on saturday
nights. Hell, let's put sex
in the Hall of Fame, shall we?
Anyways. We return to
the show with a particularly plucky probe protologizing a
particularly putrid hydralisk from behind. But, despite this
display of heroism, Kain is being
out-numbered and out-boogied. What does he do? What any
red-blooded, Albertan-born Canadian son-of-a-gun would do. He
sends in the clones. Cloned probes, rather. The horde of
probes that had been holed up by Kain's nexus leap into the fray like a horde
of rabid chihuahuas!
And, miracle of miracles, they turn back the red tide.
Two new zealots arrive a split-second after the probes are
sent in, and the Laughing Man's four hydras retreat! Kain joyfully sends two zealots after them
to make sure then don't come back, and is returning his probes
to mining, when Jolly springs his trap.
He's set his hatcheries to rally to just outside of the 6:00
mineral-only, and now his retreating four hydras meet another
four. This is a Bad Thing (tm). One of Kain's
zealots is turned in to swiss cheese, and the other is leaking
whatever it is that zealots leak when injured.
battle takes place in the same place as before, where the
previous hydralisk carcasses are barely cold. Kain musters four zealots and four probes
against Jolly's eight hydralisks (which
now have range, for your edification.)
With what surely
must be the neatest move of the game, Jolly baits Kain's
four probes down the entire length of his hydra line, and all
four of the cute
little robots go up in so many little explosions and
"bwweeeyomms". Kain's zealots arrive,
but without their probe support, and with Jolly's mad hydra-dancing skills, they're
nothing more than puffs of blue-white smoke.
Impressive fact: Even while Jolly was pulling off all this crazy good
micro, he'd have a new hydra building within two seconds of
the larvae spawning.
The red hordes, now numbering
12-15 hydralisks, polish off the nexus, and then move on to
the entree: Kain's main. Jolly orders them up the ramp, and kain's
last three zealots make an easy meal for the hydralisks. With
a burning main, and more zerg coming all the time, Kain throws in the towel.
This is how it it was:
Score one for the Man Who Laughs, as :+:jolly:+: takes Game One, and a 3-2 lead in
the series thus far. And click your hot little mouse cursor
somewhere below to take a gander at the stats.
of course, asks for a rematch, and I ask if I can watch. Both
are affirmed, and we are live for Game 2!
keep things interesting, we're going with islands this time,
specifically the large mains and vital center isles of Dire
Straights! (no relation to the band).
Both players obvious have the brains god
gave cabbage, as
they both choose protoss
for this island battle-royale. Kain
shimmers into existence in the top-left start position with
blue, and :+:jolly:+: appears at the
bottom-left start with the color of champions, orange. Real men wear orange.
Kain-san busts it out with a
pylon on 8, a gateway on 9, and then an extractor on 10. As
soon as the extractor is finished, four probes begin
harvesting gas from it. Kain also
takes this time to express his distinct displeasure with his
opponent's choice of strategy last time they played on
Jolly must have a psychic
link with his opponent, because his build is almost exactly
the same as Kain's. A pylon with the
eighth probe is followed by an extractor with the ninth, and a
gateway with the tenth. I'm sure it's important to note that
Jolly only placed three probes on
gas instead of four.
The builds are still
frighteningly similar, as both players lay down a cybernetics
core at almost the same time. Jolly has a slight lead over Kain at this stage(about 150 hp worth on the
cyber-core, to be exact).
Both players lay down a second pylon behind their mineral
lines to provide power for any cannons that may have to be
layed down in a hurry.
player begins a Robotics Facility, and again, Jolly's is ahead by a few seconds. The two
masters now produce two dragoons a piece, followed by a
Robotics Support Bay and a Shuttle. Jolly is in the lead by maybe a second and
his twin dragoons into his shuttle and send them scouting
counter-clockwise. For all you people who were raised on digital
clocks, he's flying in the wrong direction. If only
fate had been kinder to him, he probably could have caught
Kain by the short and curlies and
harrassed him enough to get a reaver in and deliver the death
But, it just didn't work out that way. Shaft,
As Jolly's shuttle is en
the long long loooooooong route to Kain's main, Kain
has filled his own shttle with a reaver and a dragoon and
flown off clockwise. Yes, that's right. They ~both~ went the
wrong way. Masters, my ass, d'you hear. My ass!. No,
not you, Bob. Down boy.
In a really touching event,
the two shuttles meet just above the 12:00 expansion, stop for
coffee, get to know each other, and exchange numbers. After this romantic
interlude, the two seperate Packages O' Death continue on to
Jolly drops his dragoons beside Kain's assimilator, and they are quickly
assailed by two blue-colored dragoons. The battle is
deadlocked, until a third dragoon pops out of Kain's gateway and puts an end to the
Back at the south-west island, Jolly's reaver has finished, and is
inching its way to the north end of his main. A dragoon
follows it. It would seem the nefarious Jolly is planning on following up his
attack as soon as possible. He's also got a second robotics
facility in the works. Kain's shuttle
is all the way across the map, just over the 3:00 expansion.
Jolly's shuttle swoops down
and picks up its deadly cargo. Kain's
shuttle is just about to the 6:00 expansion. These twin reaver drops will
decide the game. No pressure guys. None at all.
Kain slips his reaver
and a dragoon in behind the mineral line and I watch with
baited breath as the godly scarab AI sends a
scarab around the mineral patches with all the speed of
molasses on a cold day. Jolly has
had a good three seconds to run his probes, but they mine
away, oblivious to the threat that is getting closer and
closer and clos--boom
Five orange probes
go up in smoke.
The reason for Jolly's lapse in attention is that he is
orchastrating his own reaver drop up at Kain's base. Unfortunetly, Kain's three dragoons intercepted the
shuttle before it could attain the best position to
place its reaver and dragoon.
Jolly is forced to drop prematurly, and
sacrafices his dragoon to buy time for his reaver to fire off
two scarabs. One explodes below a blue dragoon, killing it,
and the other sends four probes to the great Nexus In The Sky.
Jolly flees his shuttle back to his base, and sends two
dragoons to destroy the blue reaver that has taken out a good
third of his probes. Kain lets his
scarab-less reaver go, concentrating on massing forces at
home. The protoss ninja holds
his two reavers in his probe line, so if Jolly does managed to slip a shuttle by,
the reavers will instantly be in range to counter.
south, Jolly loads his shuttle up
with two reavers, and moves out. It's his
last gasp, folks, and he knows it. He also knows that Kain has the lead in economy. Jolly's going to have to do some serious
damage to the blue probe line if he wants to even the odds.
shuttle moves north, and, horror of horrors, runs into a a
force of blue dragoons. Jolly is
again forced to drop his cargo just short of his target,
specifically just out of range of Kain's dragoons. The two
orange reavers launch their scarabs, and render a dragoon down
to soup stock before Kain moves up his
two reavers and returns the favour, blowing Jolly's pair of large, metallic slugs a
few miles past Timbuktu.
And, here's a quick gander at relative economies,
for those who are interested
Kain is quick to return the favour, with two
more reavers behind Jolly's mineral
line. Three dragoons move to attack the reavers, cursing the
that made them so bloody stupid, Kain's reavers send off scarab after scarab
while the dragoons wander aimlessly, mired in a sea of probes.
Finally, when many a probe has lost its robotic life, the
dragoons get through and kill the two reavers.
Jolly takes this time to comment on his
play this game:
economy in tatters and his opponent holding a commanding lead
in troop count, Jolly can do nothing
except surrender, and comment that
And game two goes to Kain,
evening the series at 3 games a piece. Stay tuned for game
three, and do NOT click your mouse below, because Fractal is a
clever wombat and forgot to take pictures of
starts here, by the way)
Kain creates game three on Lost
Temple. :+:jolly:+: randoms to
brown protoss at 9:00, and Kain
chooses teal protoss at 6:00. The battle of the Really
Lame Colors is about to be joined.
produce eight probes and order their eighth probes to warp in
a pylon. Kain then send the
aforementioned probe scouting. Again, showing his intense
level of skill at StarCraft, he scouts the wrong
Jolly, having the
advantage of knowing his opponent's race, neglects early
scouting and builds a gateway with his 10th probe. This probe
then moves out to scout, and, like Kain's probe, goes the wrong way.
Meantimes, Kain has built a
gateway and an assimilator. Jolly, however, has produced another
gateway before beginning his assimilator. Both players proceed
to build a pylon, and then a single zealot to hold their ramp.
Kain's scouting probe takes this time to bait Jolly' zealot out of position, and then
bust out with an end run to get
the scouting info. Kain's cybernetics
core is warping in even as we speak.
Jolly begins his cybercore as Kain begins his second gateway. Jolly has also mustered a force of three
zealots which move out to cause some trouble in Kain's base. Jolly's scouting probe has seen Kain's lone zealot, and now moves to join
its bretheren in an effort to bust a cap in Kain's ass, yo.
three zealots arrive facing a single zealot on Kain's ramp. As they engage, a dragoons pops
out of Kain's gateway. Kain's, seeing that his troops are
out-numbered, retreats towards his probes to buy time. And buy
time it does. With a bit of dancing here and there, Kain's keeps Jolly's strike force occupied for long
enough for two more dragoons to walk out of his gateways. With
a bit more dancing, the zealots and probes are dispatched, at
the cost of a zealot and dragoon. During all this rigamarole,
Jolly has built down another pylon
and switched over to pure dragoon production.
Kain takes his four dragoons and moves out
to counter Jolly. Jolly innocently builds a Cidatel of Adun, blissfully unaware of
the army that is advancing upon him. Kain builds a Robotics Facility, as the two
four dragoons skitter into Jolly's
natural, and are met with three brown dragoons atop Jolly's ramp. Kain
figures the odds, and moves his 'goons back to "contain" Jolly. Kain also
takes the time to lay down a forge back home.
western front, Kain now has five
teal dragoons standing guard. He moves them in, sees Jolly's five dragoons holding the ramp, and
turns tail and runs like a sissy little girl all the way
back to his
There is a minor lull in the action, as
both players tech and produce more units. Jolly now builds himself a nice shiny new
Templar Archives, whilst Kain lays
down an Observatory. Both players are producing dragoons in
earnest now. Jolly has dragoon range,
and Kain is in the process of getting
it. Kain orders up a Robotics Support
Bay, while Jolly builds a Forge.
Jolly, being a wise hamster,
sends three of his dragoons down to guard the cliff between
his base and Kain's.
Kain now loads up his newly produced shuttle
with a dragoon and a reaver, and sends it over to Jolly's main in hopes of molesting some
probes. If you read the above paragraph, you're probably
thinking that Kain's shuttle is about
to be blasted to bits by the 'goons that Jolly left by his cliff. Not quite.
paint a picture for you. The shuttle lumbers by, weighed down
by the massive reaver carried within. The brown dragoons spot
the shuttle, take aim, and fire. The
shuttle rocks with the impact of the plasma balls. Jolly can hear Kain
cursing all the way from Alberta. The man who laughs leans
back in his chair and...well, he laughs.
Kain has fallen hook, line and sinker
for his trap. He orders a probe out to his natural to commence
construction of a--wait. Why has our hero just heard a "Your
Forces are Under Attack!"? The dragoons killed the shuttle.
The dragoons were placed perfectly. The dragoons were...oh
The dragoons were on Hold Position. Oh,
Now it is Kain's
turn to laugh, as his reaver and dragoon devestate Jolly's probe line. Kain uses his dragoon to get in the way of
the three avenging brown dragoons, buying more time for the
reaver of doom to continue rocking Jolly's casbah.
And what a rocking it is. Jolly is
left with no more than six probes at his main, and a warping
nexus at his natural.
orders up a counter as soon as the reaver explodes, hoping
that Kain has skimped on defense to
tech up to reavers. Five dragoons and two high templar leave
the brown base, with two more dragoons following behind. Did I
mention that Jolly has researched
Storm? Kain is holding his ramp
with eight or nine dragoons, and both sides have range.
Jolly makes a minor flaw
here, and sends in his dragoons before his templar arrive. The
battle for the ramp begins, with Kain's numbers giving him the edge. Then,
the sky turns a particularly annoying shade of turquoise, and
the air is rent by flashes of pale blue lightning. Jolly has landed the first of several
near-perfect storms. Kain pulls his
dragoons back, but plasma blasts from Jolly's army send two to the scrap heap as
they flee. The Laughing Man has forced his way up the ramp.
But, there's a reason for Kain pulling back. Two brand-spanking-new
dragoons pop out of Kain's gateways,
and open fire on Jolly's troops. Two
more well-aimed storms are thrown, but Kain's numbers are not to be denied, and
Jolly is repelled. He orders his two
trailing dragoons back to his natural for defence. He's gonna
need it, because Kain is sending a
six-goon strike team to counter the counter.
here's a mini-map
update for those who want it.
Kain's dragoons arrives at Jolly's natural, and proceed to put the WWF
to shame with their can-of-whoop-ass opening skills. The three
brown dragoons on defense crumble to dust faster than some
small, crumbley thing. But that is not all, oh no! That is
all! Kain, being a saavy cuss,
has sent a shuttle and reaver to hit Jolly from the rear. And let's have no
jokes about "from the rear", or I start bashing heads. From
the rear, no less.
Alas and alack
for Kain, Jolly has again posted two dragoons at the
edge of his cliff. Not on Hold Position this time, thank the
lord. The dragoons follow the shuttle, and blast the shuttle
out of the air just as Kain unloads
the reaver-of-doom, part deux. The aforementioned reaver reaves jolly's probe
with one scarab, and then begins blasting away at the two
dragoons. The force is
strong within Jolly, however, and he
takes down the reaver with the loss of only one 'goon.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch,
Jolly has been getting abused by
Kain's dragoons. He's lost the probes
at his natural, and currently has five dragoons hammering on
his nexus. The Laughing Man is not pleased. The Laughing Man
sends a lone dark templar that scares the teal dragoons all
the way back to Kain's natural. The
Laughing Man laughs. Until, however, Kain returns in short order with an
observer, eight dragoons, and one helluva chip on his
transferred probes over from his main, and now has a fairly
burdgeoning economy running at his natural. Then Kain wanders in, moving his 'goons north of
the nexus. A storm from a templar on Jolly's ramp clips the last few dragoons
but doesn't deal any real damage. The dark templar gets a few
swipes in before the observer catches up and sends the
"shithead with a cape"
straight to hell.
Jolly has a
particular dislike of losing his natural, so he calls upon the
cavalry. The 101st Templar Light Brigade. It should be called
the lightning brigade, as these five templars are quite
possibly the fastest storm-throwers in the west. Kain's dragoons try to run, they try to
but dragoon pathing again demonstrates how much it owns, and
the big four-legged spiders walk back and forth right
under the storms. Jolly's
storming skills ice four dragoons and weaken the other four,
but lose two templar in the process. The other two begin
morphing into an archon. Meanwhile, Jolly's nexus is covered in gouts of blue
flame. Never a happy thing. Unless you're trying to barbeque
something. Kain also has two dragoons
Jollynow sends his
archon and two probes after these four tired dragoons. Kain runs his troops back towards his new
'goons, and the four are caught by a picture-perfect storm
from Jolly's last templar. The
remaining two retreat over the corpses of their fallen
comrades and take station near Jolly's mineral-only natural.
Both players have
moved up to three gates, and there is a minor lull as both
power up their armies. Kain is busting
it out wit' da solid dragoons with a double-reaver shuttle,
and Jolly is all about the speed
zealots with templar and archon support. Word to that, right
there. Both players are mining from two bases, but Jolly has had his probes blown up more
times than Lewis has made mistakes in english
grammer. And that's a (insert expletive(s) here) lot.
The battle royal begins with Kain doing the one thing that gives
battlereporters nightmares. The chobofuX0ring
protoss attacks in two places at once. How the heck am I
suppost to take lotsa gory screen captures and make huge,
pictures when there's action in two places at
Phew. Lost it there for a sec.
So! Kain has been
reinforcing his dragoon containment of Jolly, and now he sends that shuttle with
two reavers to rip some shit up, yo. A photon cannon and a
dragoon guard the brown mineral line, and are as nothing to
the power of Kain's two reavers. For
the third time this game, a teal reaver has free reign in
Jolly's base. The two reavers go on a
rampage that a bull in a china shop would be proud of,
rendering Jolly's entire probe
line suitable for the scrap yard.
Jolly is understandably bitter at this, and
his army moves out of his natural just as Kain's dragoon force moves in. What results
is nothing short of spectacular. Kain
is fielding at least 12 or 15 dragoons, at 1/0/0, with range,
against Jolly's force of five or six
zealots, and archon, and four templar.
As I gape in
awe, Jolly literally blankets Kain's dragoon with a solid wave of psionic
storm. Kain tries to run, but Jolly's perfect storm control cannot be
outdone. The air crackles blue again and again and again, and
dragoon after dragoon after dragoon falls. Three 'goons that
split with the main pack make it by the onslaught of storm,
but are met with two zealots and an archon and are dispatched
Jolly now sends
his forces back to clean up the two reavers that are pounding
on his Citadel and Templar Archives. Kain, however, just picks up the
reavers,sends his speeded shuttle flying over the brown
troops, and drops his reavers at Jolly's natural. The templar left there
storms the twin reavers, destroying one, but the other
releases a scarab that could be compared to Paul Henderson's
goal in the Canada Cup of 1972. For those of you who are not
was The Goal, said like that, with caps. People who saw it on
TV speak of it in reverent tones, and people who were actually
there close their eyes to remember the day when Canada laid
the proverbial smack down on the U.S.S.R., eh?
again, maybe not. Suffice to say, it was a damn fine scarab.
Over half the probes were caught by the blast, and the
watching templar maintains that one probe flew a good fifty
feet before exploding on impact with the pylon, and another
just went straight up and disintegrated in midair. That's
gonna leave a mark.
With this final death blow to his
economy, :+:jolly:+: is forced to
concede game three to Kain.
Or, for those of you who
have a deep dislike of reading, you can stare in awe at the
second Really Damn Big Collage in this report.
This, right here, is how it went down:
And, if you would be so kind to place
your magic mouse button over the below links, depress the left
button, release the left button, and then be
sure to dodge the hunk o' burnin' statistics
lovin' that will be coming your way, it would be much
wait, there's more. Game four is created, again on The
Remarkably Un-Lost Temple, and we are ready to rummmmmmmmmble!
In a shocking move, Kain decides to
random, and fate gives him white zerg
at 6:00. :+:jolly:+: sticks with his standard random, and
terran at 9:00.
Kain sends his
overlord to scout 9:00, and as soon as Jolly sees it, the man who laughs smiles.
Such a thing is usually a bad
sign, but this is Kain-The-Feared
we're talking about. We shall see who laughs last.
Kain's build is aimed towards
the cheese graters of starcraft. That's lurkers for the metaphorically
challenged. A shame that in this politically correct world I
can't just say "for you stupid
people." All my rants against the foolish and ignorant
aside, Kain's build looks suspiciously
like a spawning pool with his eighth drone, gas with his
ninth, an overlord, a fast six zerlings, and then a lair.
Jolly, on the other hand, has
thrown down with a supply
depot with his eighth SCV, two barracks on 10 and 11, followed
shortly by another depot.
Now then! The game is afoot,
my dear Watsonn!
Kain's overlord reveals Jolly's prescence at 9:00, so Kain takes his early six zerglings and sends
them to attack. Jolly has sent out an
SCV to scout Kain, and said SCV runs into the pack of
zerglings. Back home, Jolly begins to
assemble a hasty defence to meet this threat.
blue marines and two SCVs dash for the ramp faster than it
takes to tell the tale.
Kain's zerglings charge forward,
hoping to make it past the ramp and into the heart of Jolly's base.
Jolly's troops arrive with literally no time
The two SCVs hurl themselves in front of the marines, taking
the brunt of the zergling attack. Claw meets fusion cutter,
while Gauss rifle rounds fly every which way. A zergling
breaks through the SCV line and tears a marine apart before it
is killed. But the SCV blockade holds, and Kain pulls his three remaining zerglings
back to Jolly's natural. Jolly then sallies forth with his two ninja
scvs and four marines and layeth the smack down on those three
zerglings with nary a loss. At 6:00, Kain's hydra den is building, and Jolly has just begun a refinery.
Jolly grabs another two
marines and sends his force of 6 'rines and those same two
ninja SCVs down to Kain's base. Kain, however, had an overlord hovering over
the cliff at Jolly's natural, so he
saw this squad coming and began preparing his defenses, to the
tune of a building sunken, two hydras, and four zerglings,
their ancient arts of stealth and assassination,
the twin SCVs arrive and examine the defenses mustered against
them. They also bait the zerglings towards them, and then
proceed to run like sixty back to the oncoming marines, who
turn a 'ling into swiss cheese before the remaining three run
faster than sixty to get back to their hydralisk friends. The
marines engage, and just as they do, Kain's sunken finishes. The two ninja SCVS
die to hydralisk fire and zergling claws, along with two
marines. The remaining four marines turn back from the lone
hydralisk when they see the other sunken that has just
completed behind Kain's lair.
Back home, Jolly has completed
a factory, an acadamy, and an engineering bay. Kain's base reveals two dangerous looking
eggs morphing. Soon, there are two white lurkers ready to rock
Jolly has not been idle during this
time. A machine shop has completed, and a vulture has been
built. Well. That's unique. Possibily fatal, but surely
unique. Kain lays down his second
hatchery, while Jolly constructs a
turret at his ramp, and lays mines in strategic places around
his base. He also constructs another factory with machine
Kain, meanwhile, is
loading his two lurkers into an overlord,
and floating the big puff-ball over the cliff towards Jolly's base.
But, Jolly has other ideas. Specifically, he's
stationed three marines and a vulture and a floating engineering bay by the
cliff, and Kain's overlord runs smack
into them. Suffice to say, it's not pretty at all. The
overlord explodes in a matter of minutes, covering the Terran
troops in blood and gore. Kain gnashes
his teeth in anger, and begins planning another assault.
Jolly then adds insult to
injury by floating his e-bay right over the zerg base and
getting a good look at Kain'stech. As
a hydra or two drive the offending bay away, Kain expands to his natural and begins
mutating two more lurkers there. A few seconds later, Jolly moves his infantry out to his natural
and begins construction of a command center. Bearing in mind
that Kain still has an overlord
keeping a watchful eye over Jolly's
Kain sends out a lurker to try to stop this
expansion. Lucky for Kain, the lurker
hugs the cliffs and manages to avoid the mines laid by Jolly's jovial vultures. At least, until it
gets to Jolly's minerals-only
expansion where a misstep sends a spider mine love flying
towards it like the Hammer of Thor. Ow.
Kain decides to try lurking
again. This one manages to avoid the mines, but takes a tank
blast full in the face before burrowing and tagging a few
marines and a vulture. The marines are quickly healed, and a
comsat scan gives the tank pilot ample time to ram two more
arclite shells down its throat.
Jolly has by now construced a Starport and
Science Facility, and is working on an armory. Kain begins morphing a spire and a queens
nest at his main, obviously trying to reach the
infantry-killing Guardian. Kain also moves his remaining two lurkers
out to near his mineral-only natural. In an amusing quirk of
fate, the lurkers burrow frighteningly close to where Jolly has laid a pair of mines.
Now Jolly prepares to attack. He takes four
tanks, a vulture, a science vessel, three medics, a firebat,
and eight or nine marines in an effort to squash Kain like the insectoid that he is. The four
don't even bother seigeing to remove the two lurkers. The
tanks just roll up and blast the things into oblivion one by
Kain's spire and queen's nest have
finished, and he spawns two scourges
to try and take down the science vessel. The scourge are
perforated by marine fire before they get close enought to
detonate. Kain is in trouble. A terran
juggernaut is knocking on his front door, and he's running out
of options. Well, almost. Kain
frantically loads two lurkers into an overlord, and sends them
at Jolly's mineral line. By the time
they land, Jolly has reduced the 6:00
natural to bloody rubble, and is starting up Kain's ramp.
time, however, Kain gets through. Jolly is far more concered with Kain's main,
however, and simply orders all of the SCVs at his main to
the lurkers, as well as a goliath and wraith that he had
built. Needless to say, the two lurkers have a field day,
killing every single scv save two before finally being taken
that Kain's main is currently under
attack by the Terran hordes from heck. A single burrowed
lurker gets ripped apart by marine, vulture, and tank fire,
leaving the zerg main helpless before the Terran army. As the
hive shudders under the force of Arclite shells, Kain
And that, ladies and
gentle people and site admins, is that. Well, not quite. If
those itty-bitty pics there weren't enough to wet your whistle,
Fractal is proud to present Volume Three in the Modem-Killing
Collage Series. Please, point your long, hard, fearsome
mouse pointer over here, and then pray to
the ISP gods that your modem doesn't break down and cry.
Or, for the faint of heart and weak of modem, simply
click below to see the stats. You wusses.