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Date: 10/16/00 01:10
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 10.0, # of Ratings: 5, Max: 10, Min: 10
Lifetime Rating for Fractal_Wave: 8.2537
"Let your rapidity be that of the wind, your compactness that of the forest. In raiding and plundering be like fire, in immovability like a mountain. Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt."
-Sun Tzu

Good night, evening, morning, afternoon or what ever flavour of the day it may happen to be in your particular time zone. For me, it is gone three or four in the morning, as I punch the "submit report" button, and hasten to claim my own first comment. Due to the absurd lateness, I would ask that any petty complaints you may make about spelling erros(yes, I did do that on purpose) or images not loading be directed to, where they will be deleted as soon as they arrive. Thank you, and have a nice day, morning, or night, depending.

Warning: This report falls in to the catagory of "epic", otherwise known as "fux0ring GD long". There may or may not be pictures, depending on whether or not Mercury is retrograde, and whether or not you are using the nihlistic program known as Netscape. Not like the product of the Anti-Christ from Redmond is much better. Let me make no bones about it: this report is going to pick your modem up, kick the living hell out of it, and then feed it to wild dingo dogs.You have been warned. Please, wait until everything has loaded before not pressing the neato looking button, because I couldn't get ther mother-loving flash movie to load properly. Not that I am bitter.

Suffice to say, if you pick a number between one and twenty nine and a half, add the number of BattleReports on this site, subtract the number of people in the Hall of Fame, mutiply that by the lifetime average of Mark4, add the sum of the letters (A being 1), in WilliamWC3's name, divide by Drefsab's Rookmark, subtract the number of reports (including smurfs) ~CattleBruiser~ ever submitted, multiply by the number of times probe, bless his black little heart, has ever been an asshole, add the number of people in A-X, add the number of Anime chicks in all of ::nobody::'s battlereports, multiply by by the number of comments that FLS has ever received for his reports, add the number of IP's Johnny_Vegas has banned, subtract the number of times the letter "f" appears in .Praetor's works of art, add the number of times people have accused me, Fractal_Wave of copying YourRoleModel(while raising the number to the compression level he used to use in his .jpgs), subtract the number of English grammer errors King-Lewis has ever made, add the number of hours Breeze spends on art, divide by the number of times Heartcutter has been a badass, add the number of times Bobo has said "gay", subtract the number of times CynicalMagician has been, well, cynical, multiply by the hex code of the Doctor's favorite color aaaaaaaand divide by the number of hits on the site, and by the time you've finished reading that incredible collection of nothing, all the pictures will have been loaded. Spiffy, n'es pas?

Oh, and special prize to anyone who gives me the number.

This has taken me literally forever to put together. I got the first two games written up, and was just starting on the pictures when I got sick of it and deleted the writing. Through an interesting quirk of fate, I kept screen captures. (I was going to delete them, but the phone rang, and it was one of those female things, and I lost interest in my computer.)

For the record, females should be in the Hall of Fame.

Check out cool flash movie that wouldn't work in the battlereport!

Now then. Take yourselves back to the big ol' i2e2 1v1 tournament, way back in the day. I got to write reports for a few games here and there, and, after watching Team ER take down The Imports, I ran into Kain and :+:jolly:+:.

Yes, the Kain. Yes, the :+:jolly:+:.

Kain-The-Feared, [9]Kain, the Albertan Protoss (that's a province in Canada for you Yankee Basterds ) who, back in the day, was up there with Monseiur Patry himself in terms of Canadian StarCraft talent. For those of you who don't follow "pro" StarCraft, M. Patry is that Grrr... character, the kid who won basically everything.

:+:jolly:+: has been beating people about the head & shoulder with his random game since third season ladder, and is currently ranked 5th on i2e2. The Man Who Laughs (at you, not with you) hails from SoCal, where you can drive for miles and still not see a break in the urban sprawl.

They had been praticing together, and were tied at two games each. They went to play the tie-breaker, and I pulled a William. For those of you not in the know, WilliamWC3 had a very classy and subtle way of asking to watch a game. Like so:

Kekkekkekekekeee me watchy good manner me watchy me watchy manner me watchy me watchy me watchy mememememeeeeemememwatchywatchywatchywatchy ekekkekek monkey boy?@?1!!!. butter.

They said yes, and created a game and I joined. Welcome, ladies(all three of you) and gentlemen and to battle-reporting heaven.

Myself and Hone of watched the games. Yes, I said plural. Four games, in fact. Party on, party people.

The map is everyone's favorite, Le Temple De Lost. All apologies to Lewis and Orc for abusing their lovley language there.

Temple of Doom

:+:jolly:+: randoms, and soon oozes to 12:00 with his blood-red hatchery, as [9]Kain chooses protoss and warps in at 6:00 with his shining white nexus. The slavering zerg horde will take on the noble protoss warriors in a duel to the death.

Jolly gets his drones mining away and sends his overlord to scout 3:00. Down south, Kain is performing much the same with his probes. Jolly powers up to 12 drones, and then makes a hatchery at his ramp. His second overlord is sent to scout 9:00, while his first, having discovered the distinct lack of Kain at 3:00, is moving down to 6:00.

At 6:00, Kain has warped in a pylon, and is working on his Gateway. He proceeds to conjure a 2nd gateway from the storehouse on Auir. Meanwhile, back at the north end of the map, Jolly has laid down a spawning pool and an extractor, and those happy little spiny beasties seem to be on the menu.

Kain proceeds to shock the living hell out of me and Hone by expanding to his natural. Jolly, meanwhile, has begun his hydralisk den. I always thought of a hydralisk den was where the hydras went to smoke cigars and drink high-quality rum after a long hard day. But maybe not. Power overwhelming, right Kain?Under any circumstances, Jolly's overlord soon discovers Kain's expanding expansion. Three zealots stand guard, and hope that the overlord dosn't take that moment to go to the washroom. That stuff is a bitch to clean off. Soon the expansion is well-populated with probes that have been maynarded over from Kain's main. He also sends a probe scouting. Kain then warps in a third gateway. Technically speaking, this is known as powering like a whore. Technically speaking, this is the kind of that that gets you killed.

Here's a mini-map update for those who want it.

What Kain does not know is that Jolly has not pulled a typical Zerg expand-and-power-to-3-hatches. Jolly has busted out with a hydra rush, and Kain could be in serious horse excrement if he doesn't get the troop count to stop said rush.

Jolly moves out, taking four speedralisks and eight zerglings down to Kain's natural. Due to travel time, the match-up is four zealous, hard-drinking zealots against four hydralisks and eight zerglings. Both sides are constantly reinforcing their troops, and Kain has just had his forge warp in. Vegas odds are 2 - 1 against Kain.

Place your bets, pick up your cards.

Jolly guns his zerglings towards Kain's probes, hoping to rip a few to shreds before Kain can move them. Kain orders his little robotic army to hide behind his nexus, as he moves a few zealots to deal with the hydralisks. What Kain has not yet realized is that these hydralisks are wearing rollerskates. Kain's zealots, which now number five, "advance towards the rear" in truly noble fashion, losing one of their number. But there is method in Kain's madness. His zealots are now intermingled with his probes in a fashion that keep zerg players awake at night, keeping a weather eye out for proctologists.

Our friendly neighborhood cerebrate now moves his hydralisks forward a dash, forming a veritable firingsquad targeting Kain's nexus. So far, he has yet to lose a single unit, and Kain has lost a zealot. However, this is about to change. Kain and his zealot/probe force sweep through Jolly's eight zerglings like the Broom of God. As soon as Jolly sees Kain attacking, his hydras begin firing at the zealots again. When the proverbial dust has proverbially settled, myself and Hone see that Kain has micro'd his way through all the zerglings, and now faces eight hydralisks (a few of which are new arrivals) against his three zealots and four probes. There are more probes hiding behind the nexus, being very very quiet.

The unit control these two display is, quite simply, astonishing. Kain uses his probes to block off and harras the hydralisks, while Jolly takes full advantage of his speed, and dances them thar hydras like a certain actor in a certain film about Saturday Nights. Which are good things, by the way. There's lots of sex involved on saturday nights. Hell, let's put sex in the Hall of Fame, shall we?

Anyways. We return to the show with a particularly plucky probe protologizing a particularly putrid hydralisk from behind. But, despite this display of heroism, Kain is being out-numbered and out-boogied. What does he do? What any red-blooded, Albertan-born Canadian son-of-a-gun would do. He sends in the clones. Cloned probes, rather. The horde of probes that had been holed up by Kain's nexus leap into the fray like a horde of rabid chihuahuas!

And, miracle of miracles, they turn back the red tide. Two new zealots arrive a split-second after the probes are sent in, and the Laughing Man's four hydras retreat! Kain joyfully sends two zealots after them to make sure then don't come back, and is returning his probes to mining, when Jolly springs his trap. He's set his hatcheries to rally to just outside of the 6:00 mineral-only, and now his retreating four hydras meet another four. This is a Bad Thing (tm). One of Kain's zealots is turned in to swiss cheese, and the other is leaking whatever it is that zealots leak when injured.

The battle takes place in the same place as before, where the previous hydralisk carcasses are barely cold. Kain musters four zealots and four probes against Jolly's eight hydralisks (which now have range, for your edification.)

With what surely must be the neatest move of the game, Jolly baits Kain's four probes down the entire length of his hydra line, and all four of the cute little robots go up in so many little explosions and "bwweeeyomms". Kain's zealots arrive, but without their probe support, and with Jolly's mad hydra-dancing skills, they're nothing more than puffs of blue-white smoke.

Impressive fact: Even while Jolly was pulling off all this crazy good micro, he'd have a new hydra building within two seconds of the larvae spawning.

The red hordes, now numbering 12-15 hydralisks, polish off the nexus, and then move on to the entree: Kain's main. Jolly orders them up the ramp, and kain's last three zealots make an easy meal for the hydralisks. With a burning main, and more zerg coming all the time, [9]Kain throws in the towel.

Look. This is how it it was:

Jolly is bloody amazing.

Score one for the Man Who Laughs, as :+:jolly:+: takes Game One, and a 3-2 lead in the series thus far. And click your hot little mouse cursor somewhere below to take a gander at the stats.


[9]Kain, of course, asks for a rematch, and I ask if I can watch. Both are affirmed, and we are live for Game 2!

Just to keep things interesting, we're going with islands this time, specifically the large mains and vital center isles of Dire Straights! (no relation to the band).

All Dired out.

Both players obvious have the brains god gave cabbage, as they both choose protoss for this island battle-royale. [9]Kain shimmers into existence in the top-left start position with blue, and :+:jolly:+: appears at the bottom-left start with the color of champions, orange. Real men wear orange.

Kain-san busts it out with a pylon on 8, a gateway on 9, and then an extractor on 10. As soon as the extractor is finished, four probes begin harvesting gas from it. Kain also takes this time to express his distinct displeasure with his opponent's choice of strategy last time they played on Dire:

My cursor just makes this picture.

Jolly must have a psychic link with his opponent, because his build is almost exactly the same as Kain's. A pylon with the eighth probe is followed by an extractor with the ninth, and a gateway with the tenth. I'm sure it's important to note that Jolly only placed three probes on gas instead of four.

The builds are still frighteningly similar, as both players lay down a cybernetics core at almost the same time. Jolly has a slight lead over Kain at this stage(about 150 hp worth on the cyber-core, to be exact). Both players lay down a second pylon behind their mineral lines to provide power for any cannons that may have to be layed down in a hurry.

Aqua, kinda like Mac OS X.  Although this alt text has more power than the average Mac.Now each player begins a Robotics Facility, and again, Jolly's is ahead by a few seconds. The two masters now produce two dragoons a piece, followed by a Robotics Support Bay and a Shuttle. Jolly is in the lead by maybe a second and a half.

Jolly throws his twin dragoons into his shuttle and send them scouting counter-clockwise. For all you people who were raised on digital clocks, he's flying in the wrong direction. If only fate had been kinder to him, he probably could have caught Kain by the short and curlies and harrassed him enough to get a reaver in and deliver the death blow.

But, it just didn't work out that way. Shaft, eh?

As Jolly's shuttle is en the long long loooooooong route to Kain's main, Kain has filled his own shttle with a reaver and a dragoon and flown off clockwise. Yes, that's right. They ~both~ went the wrong way. Masters, my ass, d'you hear. My ass!. No, not you, Bob. Down boy.

In a really touching event, the two shuttles meet just above the 12:00 expansion, stop for coffee, get to know each other, and exchange numbers. After this romantic interlude, the two seperate Packages O' Death continue on to their destinations.

Carl Cox owns your bones.Jolly drops his dragoons beside Kain's assimilator, and they are quickly assailed by two blue-colored dragoons. The battle is deadlocked, until a third dragoon pops out of Kain's gateway and puts an end to the orange marauders.

Back at the south-west island, Jolly's reaver has finished, and is inching its way to the north end of his main. A dragoon follows it. It would seem the nefarious Jolly is planning on following up his attack as soon as possible. He's also got a second robotics facility in the works. Kain's shuttle is all the way across the map, just over the 3:00 expansion.

Jolly's shuttle swoops down and picks up its deadly cargo. Kain's shuttle is just about to the 6:00 expansion. These twin reaver drops will decide the game. No pressure guys. None at all.

Oohh...things go booom...

Kain slips his reaver and a dragoon in behind the mineral line and I watch with baited breath as the godly scarab AI sends a scarab around the mineral patches with all the speed of molasses on a cold day. Jolly has had a good three seconds to run his probes, but they mine away, oblivious to the threat that is getting closer and closer and clos--boom

Five orange probes go up in smoke.

The reason for Jolly's lapse in attention is that he is orchastrating his own reaver drop up at Kain's base. Unfortunetly, Kain's three dragoons intercepted the shuttle before it could attain the best position to place its reaver and dragoon.

Jolly is forced to drop prematurly, and sacrafices his dragoon to buy time for his reaver to fire off two scarabs. One explodes below a blue dragoon, killing it, and the other sends four probes to the great Nexus In The Sky. Jolly flees his shuttle back to his base, and sends two dragoons to destroy the blue reaver that has taken out a good third of his probes. Kain lets his scarab-less reaver go, concentrating on massing forces at home. The protoss ninja holds his two reavers in his probe line, so if Jolly does managed to slip a shuttle by, the reavers will instantly be in range to counter.

Burnin' Down the HouseDown south, Jolly loads his shuttle up with two reavers, and moves out. Still burnin'It's his last gasp, folks, and he knows it. He also knows that Kain has the lead in economy. Jolly's going to have to do some serious damage to the blue probe line if he wants to even the odds. The doubled-barreled shuttle moves north, and, horror of horrors, runs into a a force of blue dragoons. Jolly is again forced to drop his cargo just short of his target, specifically just out of range of Kain's dragoons. Burnt like toast!The two orange reavers launch their scarabs, and render a dragoon down to soup stock before Kain moves up his two reavers and returns the favour, blowing Jolly's pair of large, metallic slugs a few miles past Timbuktu.

And, here's a quick gander at relative economies, for those who are interested

Kain is quick to return the favour, with two more reavers behind Jolly's mineral line. Three dragoons move to attack the reavers, cursing the programmers that made them so bloody stupid, Kain's reavers send off scarab after scarab while the dragoons wander aimlessly, mired in a sea of probes. Finally, when many a probe has lost its robotic life, the dragoons get through and kill the two reavers.

Jolly takes this time to comment on his play this game:
Yes, jolly, you do have a forge.  Clever man.
With his economy in tatters and his opponent holding a commanding lead in troop count, Jolly can do nothing except surrender, and comment that

"that was bad"

And game two goes to [9]Kain, evening the series at 3 games a piece. Stay tuned for game three, and do NOT click your mouse below, because Fractal is a clever wombat and forgot to take pictures of the stats.

(game three starts here, by the way)
Do you honestly not know what it looks like?

Kain creates game three on Lost Temple. :+:jolly:+: randoms to brown protoss at 9:00, and [9]Kain chooses teal protoss at 6:00. The battle of the Really Lame Colors is about to be joined.

Both players produce eight probes and order their eighth probes to warp in a pylon. Kain then send the aforementioned probe scouting. Again, showing his intense level of skill at StarCraft, he scouts the wrong way.

Jolly, having the advantage of knowing his opponent's race, neglects early scouting and builds a gateway with his 10th probe. This probe then moves out to scout, and, like Kain's probe, goes the wrong way.

Meantimes, Kain has built a gateway and an assimilator. Jolly, however, has produced another gateway before beginning his assimilator. Both players proceed to build a pylon, and then a single zealot to hold their ramp. Kain's scouting probe takes this time to bait Jolly' zealot out of position, and then bust out with an end run to get the scouting info. Kain's cybernetics core is warping in even as we speak.

Jolly begins his cybercore as Kain begins his second gateway. Jolly has also mustered a force of three zealots which move out to cause some trouble in Kain's base. Jolly's scouting probe has seen Kain's lone zealot, and now moves to join its bretheren in an effort to bust a cap in Kain's ass, yo.

Nothing funny came to mind. The three zealots arrive facing a single zealot on Kain's ramp. As they engage, a dragoons pops out of Kain's gateway. Kain's, seeing that his troops are out-numbered, retreats towards his probes to buy time. And buy time it does. With a bit of dancing here and there, Kain's keeps Jolly's strike force occupied for long enough for two more dragoons to walk out of his gateways. With a bit more dancing, the zealots and probes are dispatched, at the cost of a zealot and dragoon. During all this rigamarole, Jolly has built down another pylon and switched over to pure dragoon production.

Kain takes his four dragoons and moves out to counter Jolly. Jolly innocently builds a Cidatel of Adun, blissfully unaware of the army that is advancing upon him. Kain builds a Robotics Facility, as the two protoss tech trees diverge!

Kain's four dragoons skitter into Jolly's natural, and are met with three brown dragoons atop Jolly's ramp. Kain figures the odds, and moves his 'goons back to "contain" Jolly. Kain also takes the time to lay down a forge back home.

At the western front, Kain now has five teal dragoons standing guard. He moves them in, sees Jolly's five dragoons holding the ramp, and turns tail and runs like a sissy little girl all the way back to his base.

There is a minor lull in the action, as both players tech and produce more units. Jolly now builds himself a nice shiny new Templar Archives, whilst Kain lays down an Observatory. Both players are producing dragoons in earnest now. Jolly has dragoon range, and Kain is in the process of getting it. Kain orders up a Robotics Support Bay, while Jolly builds a Forge.

Jolly, being a wise hamster, sends three of his dragoons down to guard the cliff between his base and Kain's.

Kain now loads up his newly produced shuttle with a dragoon and a reaver, and sends it over to Jolly's main in hopes of molesting some probes. If you read the above paragraph, you're probably thinking that Kain's shuttle is about to be blasted to bits by the 'goons that Jolly left by his cliff. Not quite.

Well, that's a bit of suckage for jolly.Let me paint a picture for you. The shuttle lumbers by, weighed down by the massive reaver carried within. The brown dragoons spot the shuttle, take aim, and fire. The shuttle rocks with the impact of the plasma balls. Jolly can hear Kain cursing all the way from Alberta. The man who laughs leans back in his chair and...well, he Toasty!laughs. Kain has fallen hook, line and sinker for his trap. He orders a probe out to his natural to commence construction of a--wait. Why has our hero just heard a "Your Forces are Under Attack!"? The dragoons killed the shuttle. The dragoons were placed perfectly. The dragoons were...oh shit.

The dragoons were on Hold Position. Oh, shit.

Now it is Kain's turn to laugh, as his reaver and dragoon devestate Jolly's probe line. Sexii NexiiKain uses his dragoon to get in the way of the three avenging brown dragoons, buying more time for the reaver of doom to continue rocking Jolly's casbah. And what a rocking it is. Jolly is left with no more than six probes at his main, and a warping nexus at his natural.

Jolly orders up a counter as soon as the reaver explodes, hoping that Kain has skimped on defense to tech up to reavers. Five dragoons and two high templar leave the brown base, with two more dragoons following behind. Did I mention that Jolly has researched Psionic Storm? Kain is holding his ramp with eight or nine dragoons, and both sides have range.

Jolly makes a minor flaw here, and sends in his dragoons before his templar arrive. The battle for the ramp begins, with Kain's numbers giving him the edge. Then, the sky turns a particularly annoying shade of turquoise, and the air is rent by flashes of pale blue lightning. Jolly has landed the first of several near-perfect storms. Kain pulls his dragoons back, but plasma blasts from Jolly's army send two to the scrap heap as they flee. The Laughing Man has forced his way up the ramp.

Is your modem still working?  Yes?  Damn.  Well, give me time....

But, there's a reason for Kain pulling back. Two brand-spanking-new dragoons pop out of Kain's gateways, and open fire on Jolly's troops. Two more well-aimed storms are thrown, but Kain's numbers are not to be denied, and Jolly is repelled. He orders his two trailing dragoons back to his natural for defence. He's gonna need it, because Kain is sending a six-goon strike team to counter the counter.

Oh, and here's a mini-map update for those who want it.

It's all done with mirrors, don't cha know?Kain's dragoons arrives at Jolly's natural, and proceed to put the WWF to shame with their can-of-whoop-ass opening skills. The three brown dragoons on defense crumble to dust faster than some small, crumbley thing. But that is not all, oh no! That is not all! Kain, being a saavy cuss, has sent a shuttle and reaver to hit Jolly from the rear. And let's have no jokes about "from the rear", or I start bashing heads. From the rear, no less.

Alas and alack for Kain, Jolly has again posted two dragoons at the edge of his cliff. Not on Hold Position this time, thank the lord. The dragoons follow the shuttle, and blast the shuttle out of the air just as Kain unloads the reaver-of-doom, part deux. The aforementioned reaver reaves jolly's probe with one scarab, and then begins blasting away at the two dragoons. The force is strong within Jolly, however, and he takes down the reaver with the loss of only one 'goon.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jolly has been getting abused by Kain's dragoons. He's lost the probes at his natural, and currently has five dragoons hammering on his nexus. The Laughing Man is not pleased. The Laughing Man sends a lone dark templar that scares the teal dragoons all the way back to Kain's natural. The Laughing Man laughs. Until, however, Kain returns in short order with an observer, eight dragoons, and one helluva chip on his shoulder.

Jolly has transferred probes over from his main, and now has a fairly burdgeoning economy running at his natural. Then Kain wanders in, moving his 'goons north of the nexus. A storm from a templar on Jolly's ramp clips the last few dragoons but doesn't deal any real damage. The dark templar gets a few swipes in before the observer catches up and sends the "shithead with a cape" straight to hell.

Jolly has a particular dislike of losing his natural, so he calls upon the cavalry. The 101st Templar Light Brigade. It should be called the lightning brigade, as these five templars are quite possibly the fastest storm-throwers in the west. Kain's dragoons try to run, they try to hide, but dragoon pathing again demonstrates how much it owns, and the big four-legged spiders walk back and forth right under the storms. Jolly's storming skills ice four dragoons and weaken the other four, but lose two templar in the process. The other two begin morphing into an archon. Meanwhile, Jolly's nexus is covered in gouts of blue flame. Never a happy thing. Unless you're trying to barbeque something. Kain also has two dragoons en route.

Jollynow sends his archon and two probes after these four tired dragoons. Kain runs his troops back towards his new 'goons, and the four are caught by a picture-perfect storm from Jolly's last templar. The remaining two retreat over the corpses of their fallen comrades and take station near Jolly's mineral-only natural.

Look behind you!  Oh, and there's a spider on your arm.

Both players have moved up to three gates, and there is a minor lull as both power up their armies. Kain is busting it out wit' da solid dragoons with a double-reaver shuttle, and Jolly is all about the speed zealots with templar and archon support. Word to that, right there. Both players are mining from two bases, but Jolly has had his probes blown up more times than Lewis has made mistakes in english grammer. And that's a (insert expletive(s) here) lot.

The battle royal begins with Kain doing the one thing that gives battlereporters nightmares. The chobofuX0ring
protoss attacks in two places at once. How the heck am I suppost to take lotsa gory screen captures and make huge, modem-destroying pictures when there's action in two places at once!!??!?

Phew. Lost it there for a sec. Sorry.

So! Kain has been reinforcing his dragoon containment of Jolly, and now he sends that shuttle with two reavers to rip some shit up, yo. A photon cannon and a dragoon guard the brown mineral line, and are as nothing to the power of Kain's two reavers. For the third time this game, a teal reaver has free reign in Jolly's base. The two reavers go on a rampage that a bull in a china shop would be proud of, rendering Jolly's entire probe line suitable for the scrap yard.
Jolly is understandably bitter at this, and his army moves out of his natural just as Kain's dragoon force moves in. What results is nothing short of spectacular. Kain is fielding at least 12 or 15 dragoons, at 1/0/0, with range, against Jolly's force of five or six zealots, and archon, and four templar.

As I gape in awe, Jolly literally blankets Kain's dragoon with a solid wave of psionic storm. Kain tries to run, but Jolly's perfect storm control cannot be outdone. The air crackles blue again and again and again, and dragoon after dragoon after dragoon falls. Three 'goons that split with the main pack make it by the onslaught of storm, but are met with two zealots and an archon and are dispatched with ease.

Jolly now sends his forces back to clean up the two reavers that are pounding on his Citadel and Templar Archives. Kain, however, just picks up the reavers,sends his speeded shuttle flying over the brown troops, and drops his reavers at Jolly's natural. The templar left there storms the twin reavers, destroying one, but the other releases a scarab that could be compared to Paul Henderson's goal in the Canada Cup of 1972. For those of you who are not Canadian, that was The Goal, said like that, with caps. People who saw it on TV speak of it in reverent tones, and people who were actually there close their eyes to remember the day when Canada laid the proverbial smack down on the U.S.S.R., eh?

Then again, maybe not. Suffice to say, it was a damn fine scarab. Over half the probes were caught by the blast, and the watching templar maintains that one probe flew a good fifty feet before exploding on impact with the pylon, and another just went straight up and disintegrated in midair. That's gonna leave a mark.

With this final death blow to his economy, :+:jolly:+: is forced to concede game three to [9]Kain.

Or, for those of you who have a deep dislike of reading, you can stare in awe at the second Really Damn Big Collage in this report. This, right here, is how it went down:

Problem with pictures this big is you need more than one alt text to handle them...

And, if you would be so kind to place your magic mouse button over the below links, depress the left button, release the left button, and then be sure to dodge the hunk o' burnin' statistics lovin' that will be coming your way, it would be much appricated.


But, wait, there's more. Game four is created, again on The Remarkably Un-Lost Temple, and we are ready to rummmmmmmmmble!

Temple makes for boring-ass alt text.

In a shocking move, [9]Kain decides to random, and fate gives him white zerg at 6:00. :+:jolly:+: sticks with his standard random, and draws blue terran at 9:00.

Kain sends his overlord to scout 9:00, and as soon as Jolly sees it, the man who laughs smiles.


Such a thing is usually a bad sign, but this is Kain-The-Feared we're talking about. We shall see who laughs last.

Kain's build is aimed towards the cheese graters of starcraft. That's lurkers for the metaphorically challenged. A shame that in this politically correct world I can't just say "for you stupid people." All my rants against the foolish and ignorant aside, Kain's build looks suspiciously like a spawning pool with his eighth drone, gas with his ninth, an overlord, a fast six zerlings, and then a lair.

Jolly, on the other hand, has thrown down with a supply depot with his eighth SCV, two barracks on 10 and 11, followed shortly by another depot.

Now then! The game is afoot, my dear Watsonn! Kain's overlord reveals Jolly's prescence at 9:00, so Kain takes his early six zerglings and sends them to attack. Jolly has sent out an SCV to scout Kain, and said SCV runs into the pack of zerglings. Back home, Jolly begins to assemble a hasty defence to meet this threat.

Three blue marines and two SCVs dash for the ramp faster than it takes to tell the tale. Kain's zerglings charge forward, hoping to make it past the ramp and into the heart of Jolly's base.

Jolly's troops arrive with literally no time to spare. The two SCVs hurl themselves in front of the marines, taking the brunt of the zergling attack. Claw meets fusion cutter, while Gauss rifle rounds fly every which way. A zergling breaks through the SCV line and tears a marine apart before it is killed. But the SCV blockade holds, and Kain pulls his three remaining zerglings back to Jolly's natural. Jolly then sallies forth with his two ninja scvs and four marines and layeth the smack down on those three zerglings with nary a loss. At 6:00, Kain's hydra den is building, and Jolly has just begun a refinery.

Jolly grabs another two marines and sends his force of 6 'rines and those same two ninja SCVs down to Kain's base. Kain, however, had an overlord hovering over the cliff at Jolly's natural, so he saw this squad coming and began preparing his defenses, to the tune of a building sunken, two hydras, and four zerglings,

Wasaaaaaabi!Using their ancient arts of stealth and assassination, the twin SCVs arrive and examine the defenses mustered against them. They also bait the zerglings towards them, and then proceed to run like sixty back to the oncoming marines, who turn a 'ling into swiss cheese before the remaining three run faster than sixty to get back to their hydralisk friends. The marines engage, and just as they do, Kain's sunken finishes. The two ninja SCVS die to hydralisk fire and zergling claws, along with two marines. The remaining four marines turn back from the lone hydralisk when they see the other sunken that has just completed behind Kain's lair.

Back home, Jolly has completed a factory, an acadamy, and an engineering bay. Kain's base reveals two dangerous looking eggs morphing. Soon, there are two white lurkers ready to rock and roll.

Vultures Vs. Zerg?However, Jolly has not been idle during this time. A machine shop has completed, and a vulture has been built. Well. That's unique. Possibily fatal, but surely unique. Kain lays down his second hatchery, while Jolly constructs a turret at his ramp, and lays mines in strategic places around his base. He also constructs another factory with machine shop.

Kain, meanwhile, is loading his two lurkers into an overlord, and floating the big puff-ball over the cliff towards Jolly's base.

But, Jolly has other ideas. Specifically, he's stationed three marines and a vulture and a floating engineering bay by the cliff, and Kain's overlord runs smack into them. Suffice to say, it's not pretty at all. The overlord explodes in a matter of minutes, covering the Terran troops in blood and gore. Kain gnashes his teeth in anger, and begins planning another assault.

Jolly then adds insult to injury by floating his e-bay right over the zerg base and getting a good look at Kain'stech. As a hydra or two drive the offending bay away, Kain expands to his natural and begins mutating two more lurkers there. A few seconds later, Jolly moves his infantry out to his natural and begins construction of a command center. Bearing in mind that Kain still has an overlord keeping a watchful eye over Jolly's natural.

It's been a fine season for lurker huntin', eh Marge?Kain sends out a lurker to try to stop this expansion. Lucky for Kain, the lurker hugs the cliffs and manages to avoid the mines laid by Jolly's jovial vultures. At least, until it gets to Jolly's minerals-only expansion where a misstep sends a spider mine love flying towards it like the Hammer of Thor. Ow.

Kain decides to try lurking again. This one manages to avoid the mines, but takes a tank blast full in the face before burrowing and tagging a few marines and a vulture. The marines are quickly healed, and a comsat scan gives the tank pilot ample time to ram two more arclite shells down its throat.

Jolly has by now construced a Starport and Science Facility, and is working on an armory. Kain begins morphing a spire and a queens nest at his main, obviously trying to reach the infantry-killing Guardian. Kain also moves his remaining two lurkers out to near his mineral-only natural. In an amusing quirk of fate, the lurkers burrow frighteningly close to where Jolly has laid a pair of mines.

I'm blue, da ba de ba...Now Jolly prepares to attack. He takes four tanks, a vulture, a science vessel, three medics, a firebat, and eight or nine marines in an effort to squash Kain like the insectoid that he is. The four tanks don't even bother seigeing to remove the two lurkers. The tanks just roll up and blast the things into oblivion one by one.

More Blue.  The song is really, really bad.By now, Kain's spire and queen's nest have finished, and he spawns two scourges to try and take down the science vessel. The scourge are perforated by marine fire before they get close enought to detonate. Kain is in trouble. A terran juggernaut is knocking on his front door, and he's running out of options. Well, almost. Kain frantically loads two lurkers into an overlord, and sends them at Jolly's mineral line. By the time they land, Jolly has reduced the 6:00 natural to bloody rubble, and is starting up Kain's ramp.

SCVs just own lurkers.This time, however, Kain gets through. Jolly is far more concered with Kain's main, however, and simply orders all of the SCVs at his main to attack the lurkers, as well as a goliath and wraith that he had built. Needless to say, the two lurkers have a field day, killing every single scv save two before finally being taken down.

(Insert Something Really, Really Funny Here)A shame that Kain's main is currently under attack by the Terran hordes from heck. A single burrowed lurker gets ripped apart by marine, vulture, and tank fire, leaving the zerg main helpless before the Terran army. As the hive shudders under the force of Arclite shells, [9]Kain surrenders.

And that, ladies and gentle people and site admins, is that. Well, not quite. If those itty-bitty pics there weren't enough to wet your whistle, Fractal is proud to present Volume Three in the Modem-Killing Collage Series. Please, point your long, hard, fearsome mouse pointer over here, and then pray to the ISP gods that your modem doesn't break down and cry.

Or, for the faint of heart and weak of modem, simply click below to see the stats. You wusses.

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