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"Chicks give Yeti boner."

< ---- I'm With Stupid!!
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Date: 10/04/00 08:10
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 10.0, # of Ratings: 3, Max: 10, Min: 10
Lifetime Rating for CynicalMagician: 8.7556
Hi there kids, I just want to ask you a question... Have you ever crossed the street? You know, just gone to the crosswalk, looked both ways, and went across the road? I can see all of you nodding.. Maybe you crossed the street to go to the candy store yesterday evening. Maybe you were going to your little friend Johnny's house. Maybe you had to cross the road to get to school today. You didn't think anything of it until just now, did you?

Well let me tell you about a child I know that wasn't so lucky. His name was Billy Robinson, and he was a grade 6 student, just like you guys. One day Billy decided that he was going to go across the street to buy some crack cocaine. He went up to the crosswalk, looked both ways, made sure his safety helmet was on securely, and walked across. But unfortunately for Billy, he didn't see the cement truck that was barreling down the hill at 45 miles per hour.

The driver tried to slow down, but when he hit Billy he was still going 35 miles per hour. Billy's torso was struck full on by the upper left corner of the bumper of the truck, and it broke 6 of his ribs. He then flew 21 feet in the air, landed on his right shoulder, and fractured his arm in 3 places. He proceeded to roll and skid for another 10 feet causing abrasions, cuts and bruises that he still has scars from today. Billy spent almost 3 weeks in the hospital, and even today he carries a crutch. Why? It was all because he wanted some crack cocaine and some hypodermic needles.

You know what children, Billy is me. 12 years ago I went to cross the street for some crack cocaine laced with pornography and dead puppies, and I got hit by a cement truck. I still regret it today, so I've devoted my life to trying to prevent the same thing from happening to you.

Don't do drugs, stay in school. Learn to read, and get an education. It's the most valuable thing you'll ever get. And always wear a helmet when you're crossing the street.

Alright, I am back! Westsidee forevah. Except that this time I'm acknowledging my roots and I'm NOT going to try and be a rapper (so you can put the gun down in other words). Because I am a BR-a-holic and I have to have something on the go all the time or I feel naked (meaning I am emotionally as well as literally naked), shortly after Slings and I posted this, it was a choice between waiting 2 weeks for the finals of the DSC tourney to be played, or starting a new BR. As you may or may not have guessed, I chose to start something new. This is it. Huk.

"So Cynic," you're thinking, "Why did you decide to do a 2v2v2? And why Nightshade? Weird map." Well, I'll tell you why. About 2 or 3 months ago I was playing a game with a few people on Nightshade. We were playing Race Wars 2000 (the difference from regular Race Wars being that you go random, and you have to find the people of your race before you ally them) on Nightshade, and it ended up being a 2v2v2. After almost a 2 hour game, the team I was on (Zerg) won, and I vowed that someday during my BR'ing career I would do a 2v2v2 BR on this map. And lo and behold, it's here.

One final word of warning before I dive into player introductions, I had to choose a theme for this BR. In the past I've chosen the theme BEFORE the game, but this time I was somewhat off guard, and so I was been forced to choose after watching it. Because I got nervous and couldn't pick a concrete mold to pour my efforts into, I decided to just go off in every direction. Basically what I'm saying is that this BR is exactly like all my others in that it is very random, but this time it's official. Enjoy.

Player Introductions

(Editor's Note: Teams were tvmvb as I recall. Don't put any faith in my names for them.)

Team "Hey I know you!!"

Activus! - He hardly needs an introduction, but as per my style, I'll give him one. He's been around SC/bnet/Kali (I think) since the Reagan adminstration, and he's got skillZzzZZzz to prove it. A nice guy at the worst of times, Acti has many admirers. He's joining us today because I said 'come to channel phunk for a 2v2v2 BR' and he came. True story, I swear.

SailrPengn - After growing up constantly on the run from the Polish Secret Police for crimes ranging from arson to regicide, SailrPengn hopped aboard a merchant vessel and ended up in the vast jungles of southern Manitoba. He lives there to this day in a large and complex tree fort a la Swiss Family Robinson. The internet is linked to his house through a bamboo satellite dish, and his computer is made entirely from palm tree bark. I must admit that I'm impressed too.

Team "Hey I don't know you!!"

znzf - An upstanding member of the New York Society for the Preservation of Gummi Bears for over 75 years, znzf is older than time itself. His name is unpronouncable due to the Australian outback dialect it comes from, so don't even try. He favours red wine to white.

69alphaq69 - All I have to say is that he's gotta be friggin' cool, he's got 69 on either side of his name. Keep the dream alive man!!

Team Wang

..(Louder).. - I'm assuming this is the crazy imp also known as LouderThanLove, so in that case, this is the Prime Minister of the small island nation of Nilbognia. With a population of over 9200, Nilbognia boasts sandy beaches, tropical jungles, and the largest amount of pornography exported per capita, beating out even those lusty Italians. Watch out for their national guard, they are armed with maces. Not mace, maces. As in big clubs. Ow.

Wangsonn - If you haven't heard of him and his quasi-Druidic cult, I'm really surprised. He maintains to this day that he is the reincarnation of the great Monk 'Korna', but I personally think that Shirley Temple is more suited to his demeanour. But who knows, I'm no expert on assology.

(Editor's Note: I made all of these up. Except Activus!, but even his was slightly made up. God only knows if he played on Kali.)

Team L33T Hax0r Ph34r M3 D00d PuNc]-[ WareZ Man

CynicalMagician - The Deity of Dumbass, God of Gutsy, Lord of Laxitives, Ruler of Random, Hero of Horniness, Knight of Knives (and other pointy objects), the Avatar of Alliteration, the holder of a thousand titles, the player with a million names, yes, it's me. I have my own team because everyone that was on my team got scared when I whipped out my Brady Bunch lunch box. Stupid bitches. Also I'm the observer, in case you hadn't guessed that before hand.

So on with the game already!

Activus! (Activus) - Brown Zerg // SailrPengn (Sailr) - Red Terran


znzf - Yellow Protoss // 69alphaq69 (alpha) - Purple Terran


..(Louder).. (Louder) - Orange Protoss // Wangsonn (Wang) - White Protoss

(Editor's Note: The blue dots on the minimap indicate expansion sites.)

Early Game Builds and Apparent Goals of Units

Activus - Our slimey and wet and sticky mandatory zerg player, after being granted control of the 10 o'clock spot, has gone for a second hatch, then a pool, then gas, and finally a third hatch and lair. After making a fair number of lings, he appears to be going for a lurker ling combo. Both players beside him are protoss.

Sailr - I'm not really sure what he had in mind, but his build of depot-rax-gas-depot-factory-starport-starport with constant marine production suggested that he was going for wraith action. He too is pinchered by protoss players.

znzf - He looks to be going for a decent defense against early rushers, and so goes pylon-gate-gate-pylon along with a slow tech to High Templar and the inevitable storm that accompanies them. He keeps probe and zealot production up throughout his build. He is in between his ally, alpha, and Activus.

alpha - Our good friend alpha (Editor's Note: Is he the same guy from Power Rangers?) has been busy on his end of the map as well, going for a pseudo wallin with his depot-rax-gas-depot-fac build, and has also produced a couple bunkers. He is going for some hardcore tech action, and doesn't want to be disturbed. In other words, he is turtling. His position is in between his ally znzf, and the blank spot previously home to my CC, which is now floating.

Wang - The ever excitable Wang has been doing an rush build as well, going pylon-gate-gate-pylon-forge-cannon, and this is probably not a bad idea, as he is in between Activus and Sailr, who are on the same team. One note: The cannon is to get the OL that Activus sent scouting away from his base.

Louder - Finally we have Louder, who is doing a hardcore tech build, going pylon-gate-gas-core-gate. He is doing a tech rush build of some sort, but whether it is for reavers, templar or an air force, we have no indication yet. Even though he seems to be doing an island build order on a land map, he has a very small risk factor, as he has an ally to his north and an empty main to his south.

So there is the stage of the game roughly 2 minutes in. By this time all of the players have scouted at least their immediate neighbours, and so they have a general idea what they are up against. Never one to waste information like this, Louder decides that it is time to play it loud and has set his sights on the poor unforunate Terran between him and Wang that is Sailr. He makes a resolution to spank some bare flesh with DT's, and begins his citadel and shortly thereafter his archives. Wang giggles like a school girl when he hears his partner's proposition, as Wang is prone to do whenever he hears any sentence containing a noun.

Soon enough, 2 DT's appear, flashing their shiny and somewhat seductive capes around, and Louder commands his warriors onto the road to the pretend wallin that Sailr has set up. Sailr has just started his engineering bay, and so if he had had another minute or 2 he would've had SOME detection, but unfortunately as we all know, one uncompleted eng bay is equal to terran getting owned by everything, and so his marines start getting slaughtered. And soon after, they finish getting slaughtered. And then 1 of the 3 tanks that popped out of the factory starts and finishes getting slaughtered while the other two run for the hills. And then the SCV's start getting slaughtered. It's as though Sgt. Slaughter himself is watching over the battle. Sailr tries to put off the inevitable by making his SCVs move around in a little circle, but unfortunately even ballroom dancing can't get him outta this one. He is forced to lift his buildings off and fly for the center to build anew. He escapes with 2 starports, 1 factory, 1 barracks, and 1 CC. All of these fly for the center resource node that is at roughly 12:30 and eventually land. He begins the labourious process of rebuilding an economy and base on only 5 mineral patches.

Note: This whole sequence of Sailr's base getting blown up takes place over the next few minutes. I just finished the entire story of it all at once for the ease of readers.

And so ends the mandatory "some guy getting rocked really hard by DT's" which seems to come near the beginning of every FFA report I do. But enough about DT deep throating (Editor's Note: Coincidence about the acronyms for each? I think not.), lets talk about love-- I mean, the rest of the game.

alpha has built a couple factories in behind his mineral line and has started building vultures like a maniac. Also a starport has appeared, and he is one step closer to his tech of choice. Louder has continued to groove by adding a 3rd gate, and Wang has decided that he doesn't want to be the recipient of some back door action there's a change... and so places 2 or 3 cannons behind his mineral line. And speaking of mineral lines, znzf decides that he needs a new one, so he starts a nexus and a couple cannons at the mineral only base to the north west of him, the one that is at about 9 o'clock on the very outer ring of the map. I thought it was odd that a Protoss player was the first expander as opposed to the lone zerg, Activus, but when I looked back at Activus' base, I saw that he had not been idle in the least.

The lurker aspect was on the research, and there were about 16-24 lings mulling about in front of his 3 hatcheries. As he sees that his partner is dying he decides to send roughly a control group of lings to try and help Sailr out, but unfortunately his OL still has slow speed, even if it is researching. Eventually, long after Sailr has floated to a safer locale, Activus manages to clear out the 5 dt's that were still around. I honestly didn't think that 16 lings would stand a chance against 5 DT's, but through some neat 'get the wounded DT first' tricks, Activus kills all 5 at the cost of all but a couple of his adorable hivemind puppy dogs.

But that's not all Activus has been doing. Because his lurkers have just finished morphing and burrow has just finished researching, he decides to send 2 lurkers and about 8 lings down at znzf's main. znzf doesn't have any obs or temps out yet, but his archives is in the building process. Unfortunately for Activus a couple cannons prevent him from pushing too far in, but he does manage to hit on a couple outlying gates and pylons. Through some neat hit and run with his lings he also manages to kill a total of a goon, a couple zealots, and 2 high templar (after they finished building). He did end up bringing a couple replacement/reinforcement lurkers down, but for the most part, his entire harassment squad consisted of the troops he sent down in the first place.

But like all good harassment tactics, they have to come to an end, and this comes for Activus when znzf has enough energy for a couple storms. Good bye lurkers, thanks for coming out. znzf ends up rebuilding his lost gateways just south of their original position (This is a factoid for the two of you who like continuity. Hey wait, if you like continuity, wtf are you doing in a CM BR?!).

While this little adventure was happening, Team Wang decides to expand, with Wang going for the upper left corner mineral only base with 2 cannons and a couple gates, and Louder going to the 3 patch 1 vent node directly clockwise from his main. Shortly after this, Wang continues teching by building a stargate and robotics factory. After building a shuttle and a couple corsairs as escort, Wang flies a probe to the 5 o'clock middle resource node, and also manages to tag a nearby OL with hot neutron lovin'. To put these events in timeframe perspective, Sailr has just landed his CC at his new home in the middle.

And what has alpha been doing all this time? We haven't heard from him at all. Oh wait, I see what he's doing, he's executing a 4 vulture drop on Louder's exp, after he saw that it was fully operational. Unfortunately for alpha though, these vultures are on the cliff above the exp, and so the number of probes they can reach is severely limited. Nevertheless, this does hurt Louder's economy a bit, even if it wasn't quite devastating. A funny moment of this occured when alpha pulled his vultures out to lay mines in the area, but couldn't manuever them back into a position such that they could hit the probes. Therefore the peons that Louder had only moments ago taken off mining went back to work. Louder also thought it would be prudent to get rid of the vultures somehow, but instead of sending a small army to deal with them, he instead reacts by building cannons below the cliff. 3 in fact. Eventually they warp in and kill the vultures, but it certainly took a long time.

In retaliation Louder decides to send his entire love machine squad of John Travolta wannabes, that is, his 8 DT's, to alpha's main, and only, base. Sadly though, these DT's are unable to do any more damage than killing a machine shop due to the scattered turrets and tanks in his base. They soon retreat without losing any of their number.

On the other end of the map, Activus has rebuilt a few lurkers and lings, and has gone after his protoss opponent to the north, Wang. He arrives on the scene with about 4 lurkers and starts pounding on outlying gateways and pylons, and soon has support from Sailr, who's two tanks that fled like Spaniards earlier are back. They don't have seige, but even unseiged tanks can deal out a fair amount of damage. Seeing the bind his partner is in, who is notably lacking detection, Louder sends an army of about 8 goons and 6 zealots to the rescue. Because of the long travel time, Team "Hey I know you!" is able to destroy several buildings, and some of Wang's standing army, but in due time Louder arrives, and because by this time there is a Team Wang observer on the scene, the attack is shut down. While this is happening, Activus expands to the 3 patch 1 vent node below him, and sets up a couple sunkens as defence.

Unfortunately for Activus though, znzf has been boiling up an army of zealots and goons with a heavy bias to zealots, and is running over Activus brand new expansion. The sunkens and lings offer minimal resistance, the disadvantage of their small numbers exponentially increased due to znzf's 1:1:3 upgrades.

As if this was not enough, Louder's army of 0:0:3 goons, DTs and zealots has pushed on by Wang's base, and is coming for a counterattack. Aided by Wang's observer, the force decimates Activus' troop count, but at the cost of every protoss troop in the regiment. Activus is hanging on by a thread.

And here come the scissors. Fresh from smashing Activus' first and only expansion, znzf plows into the south side of Activus' base with an army of almost two control groups of zealots, 4 or 5 dragoons, as well as a templar or two. Hit one after another by two sizeable protoss armies, both of which are outupgrading you is not a good position for anyone to be in, but least of all a zerg player who is being outresourced to boot. Activus gets run over rather quickly by this latest ground force of znzf, and after a GG like a real gentleman, leaves the game, leaving Sailr alone on his little rock in the middle. It is now a 2 v 2 v 0.5 folks.

But alpha cares not for the woes of Sailr, he cares about 1 thing, and 1 thing only. Money. He needs more of it. So he starts a CC at the bottom left corner mineral only expansion. His partner, znzf, decides to expand as well, and takes the node he just recently released from Activus. In fact, with the assault force that rammed violence down the ex-expansion's throat was a probe. He had been planning this folks. It was pre-meditated expansion I tell you.

With a scouting observer, Wang discovers this budding expansion, and decides that he has to do something to even the odds. He plunks down a couple more gates at his main, another at his upper left expansion, and starts raising the bar of troop production. Also during this time Sailr, the man in the middle, has decided to expand to another center node, and does so, travelling to the node directly counter-clockwise from him.

Now I'm sure all of you remember the crack squad of elite warriors that took down Activus, right? Well, they are continuing on their rounds, and have just discovered Wang's corner expansion. Because 2 cannons and 1 templar that forgets to storm is NOT enough to hold off ~20 zealots, the expansion dies in record time. The probes of the base make a break for it out the back door towards Wang's main, and they are the only units that survive the great blitz of '84.

About now I noticed a curious detail about this expansion. It has a citadel and a templar archives stored near the back of it. "Why," I thought to myself, "Would Wang have 2 archives? Perhaps this is a backup..." So I checked his main, and discovered no archives there. My thinking cap on high, my brain soon reached a conclusion. Wang was losing his templar tech!! Hahaha, go Wang. He did soon rebuild it all in his main, but I still thought it was damn funny. It was a good thing for him that he built those 6 or 7 DT's in his main while he still had the tech for them.

And why was it a good thing? Well, about now znzf has started a massive attack on Wang's main base. All of the troops leftover from killing Wang's upper left expansion pour down the ramp and into Wang's backyard, and a slightly smaller number of troops flow in through the front choke. The defending troops and cannons are destroyed very quickly, and soon the troops start pounding on random buildings. But for some reason they are still dying at a rather alarming rate... How can this be? They've killed all of the defenders... Hmm, I know, maybe it's those ~8 DTs that Louder and Wang have been storing that are killing zealots faster than an Irishman knocks back shots. Unfortunately for znzf, he doesn't have any cloak detection either. After chastising his partner and getting him to scan, znzf does manage to kill a couple DTs, but there were just too many for him, and therefore Wang manages to retake his main.

After driving the offenders off, Louder decides that it is time for a counterattack. Therefore he selects 12 of his best speed upgraded 0:0:3 zealots, and goes for the first expansion that znzf took, the mineral only one. He manages to arrive and kill a couple cannons, but soon afterwards znzf had some garrison troops on the scene, and the attack went down.

Seeing this attack fail, Louder decides that instead of trying to get rid of znzf, he will try and get rid of Sailr. After loading up 2 shuttles of 8 zealots, he flies directly into Sailr's "main" and unloads, taking the turrets in stride. The 8 zealot squad is too much for Sailr as he has only a few fighting troops (including the AWESOME artillery power of 2 wraiths), and so Sailr's "main" explodes in a fiery mess. The only reminder that Sailr ever had a base there is a lone wraith unleashing his fury on a slightly threatened wraith. Fortunately for Sailr, he does make it out with his floatable buildings, so his rax, a CC, and his factory survive.

In these few short minutes between znzf's last attack on Wang and now, he has already built up another rather large army of zealots, dragoons, and DTs. Because he knows that Wang is hurting for economy right now, he goes on another frontal attack. Wang, because he has been expanding to the mineral only base just to the north of his main, has a lower than usual troop count, and because of this and the fact that znzf is heartily out-upgrading him with 2:2:3, Wang is forced to rely on the aid of his partner to get him out of the situation.

While this is happening, and putting his intense skills of 'not watching the pretty attack colours' to work, znzf has expanded to the resource patch previously owned by Wang, the upper left corner, and has built a stargate there for unknown reasons. Presumably for corsairs, but we can only guess at this point.

But Team Wang has no interest in the guessing game, they want answers. They want action. They want excitement. Are they going to get it? You bet your ass they are. With the troops remaining from the recent defence at Wang's main base, Louder and Wang load up their techno assault suits and head on down for a good time at znzf's easternmost node, the one that he took over from Activus so many minutes ago. This assault goes well, with the dragoon/zealot combination destroying many a probe and several a cannon. Even a couple of units in znzf's rapidly regrowing army fall prey to the oncoming train that is Team Wang, but eventually something interesting appears on the horizon.

BCs. 4 of them, with science vessel support. Yes, it would appear that the artist formerly known as alpha has reached his tech goal, and is patrolling it ever so lumberingly overtop of znzf's base in order to save it. After some short lived right click madness, the attack is put down.

In the short time of rebuilding for all players, several things happen. First, Wang expands to the central resource node to the north of his existing island expansion. Also, Louder expands three times in these few minutes, once to Sailr's ex-ex-main (the one that died to DTs), again to the small resource node just above his main, and finally to the empty main below him. Also, alpha has built a CC at the 3 patch 1 vent node to the west of his main. Another interesting thing to note here is that all of the players' principle bases have been mined out, as well as znzf's first mineral only expansion. Oh wait, not all of the players' mains have been mined out. Sailr's hasn't, but for the purposes of this survey he doesn't really count because he's been moving around more than a group of gypsies on the run from the FBI.

By now, because the players are like 6 year old hyperactive children on speed running around with dangerous pointy objects (like scissors), the time of buildup is over. Team "Hey I don't know you!!" is moving out with a large army of dragoons, zealots and DT's with BC support, and they are going clockwise around the map at this point. By accident, I assume, alpha kills a turret of Sailr's that he got a little too close to, but I made him leave before he got really dangerous.

What followed that was what the Latin call a 'Battlius Gigantius Enormousii' for Wang's main. About a control group of zealots, another of dragoons, and a couple token DT's with 4 BC's and an SV pour into Wang's front door, and Wang's standing army crumples like a paper doll in probe's massive ham like fist. Eventually Louder comes to the rescue and cleans out znzf's army and forces alpha's BCs to retreat, but the damage has been done. Wang has lost everything but his two island expansions and his mineral only at the top of the map.

At this point a rather interesting battle takes place in and around Louder's base at the resource patch previously viewed by Sailr. znzf had 3 goons and 1 zealot patrolling around looking for expansions, and discovered Louder's naked exp. These 4 warriors smash all the probes, and proceed to run by the nexus without trying to kill it, apparently just trying to do some damage and get out before the cavalry arrive. Unfortunately they get a little stuck, as Dragoons are prone to do, and a Louder force of ~12 goons charges in single file. 1 of the znzf goons dies quickly, as does the zealot. In order to cut their losses, znzf retreats his dragoons, and at the same time, thinking that there are more attackers than there actually are, Louder retreats as well. I thought it was funny that 2 goons held off 12.

Just to the northwest things were happening too. The 2 alpha BCs that were still alive after the assault on Wang's base pushed farther on to the mineral only expansion owned by Wang. With 1 science vessel for support, and a commander that isn't afraid to use yamato on cannons, the expansion begins to fall. Therefore Wang decides to cut his losses and flee his probes to Louder's nearest expansion... that is the one that was under attack as outlined in the previous paragraph. To make matters worse, 2 znzf DTs snuck through the lines of the large blockade that was standing guard at the choke just past Wang's ex-main, and they started knifing up the ~20 probes that had escaped. Out of the frying pan, into the fire as they say.

But Louder isn't going to take all of this lying down. When the fact that alpha had BCs first became apparent to Team Wang, Louder laid down 4 stargates at his northernmost expansion. With these he has produced a whopping 3 unupgraded scouts, and they fly northwest to meet their destiny head on, that is to say, to fight the 3 vigilant battlecruisers that are in the process of destroying Wang's nexus. In a mighty clash involving almost 8 units, these forces square off, and after reinforcement scouts trickle in 1 by 1, eventually the battlecruisers die, despite the excessive dmatrixing.

Assuming his opponents are off guard due to their recent losses, znzf takes this opportunity to expand to the small resource node just to the east of Wang's ex-main. He maynards a dozen or so of his probes over, and also sets an honour guard of 8 or so 2:2:3 dragoons.

But what has Wang been doing all this time? He's had 2 islands to himself for quite a while, so he must be up to something. Of course he is. And that something is carriers. He has 2 right now, as well as several corsairs. Somehow sensing this upswing in the number of troops, Sailr decides to float a CC over to the island expansion just to the south of him. He is still building wraiths out of two ports, and has about 8, although he has done nothing with them aside from garrison duty so far.

Shortly after this, Louder learns a valuable lesson. Lone scouts are not tough against large groups of fully upgraded dragoons, even under the best circumstances. I'm sorry Louder. I really am.

A dimly lit memorial service follows the death of this valiant scout, and on both sides of the teams of the titans, forces build up behind a dam of thinly disguised diplomacy. Suddenly the wall collapses. A massive clash erupts at the chokepoint just to the west of Sailr's first main base. Dragoons spit their firey plasma, DT's leap and attack amongst the warriors, unseen by most, and storm splits the air in a cacophony of sound and light. Reinforcements pour in from both sides and serve to solidify the trench warfare. At first it appears that znzf has the advantage, but with a mighty cry Louder's zealots dig in deeper and force the enemy to retreat long enough for another wave of fresh fighters to arrive. Again znzf looks to be able to push through, but is thrown back by brave zealots. Finally, with a 3rd wave of znzf dragoons, they make it through the chokepoint and start attacking Louder's stargate base. There are 8 dragoon attackers against only 3 defenders. However, Louder has 2 templar stationed there, and the storms they unleash turn the tide of the battle. It eventually comes down to two heavily injured znzf dragoons chipping away at the stargates, but then they too are cut down by a well placed cannon. This stretch of the map has truly been a second Thermopylae, with so few holding off so many.

Note: This is one of the two coolest pictures in the BR, so get a good look.

But enough about serious things, lets go take a look at what Wang and his crazy escapades. In the top right corner of the map, there is a mineral only expansion. Wang decided he wanted it. So he sent his little probe over, layed down 2 pylons, presumably for cannons and gateways, and then put down a nexus. Well, tried to put down a nexus. He accidentally blocked the spot for a nexus, and so he couldn't. He actually couldn't at all. So he abandoned the effort. I laughed. Hard.

Another interesting moment came when somewhere, somehow, a Louder probe came outta nowhere, made a nexus at the top mineral only expansion (previously belonging to Wang), and made a nexus. Eventually znzf discovered this, but instead of sending a couple goons to take care of it, he decided it would be infinitely more stylish to build pylons and cannons on either side of it. So he did, and replaced the nexus with one of his own. I still say it would've been easier to just repaint it white, but that's just me. And I don't know anything.

Back to the real game though. While znzf was attacking Louder's stargate base, alpha was smashing his way across the other side of the map with BCs, and attacked Louder's expansion in the previously empty start position. After destroying all traces of Louder's prescence at this base, Wang shows up to save the day with 6 carriers and as many corsairs. They drive the BCs back to their homeland, and Louder quickly retakes his expansion.

In retaliation, and wanting to take advantage of his carrier surprise, he quickly heads to alpha's main, swooping in from the east. He picks off some outlying turrets and a couple lone gols, but soon the 6 BC doom squad shows up on the doorstep, and after destroying a couple of them and injuring the rest, Wang is forced to retreat. It wasn't a total waste though, because the attack was cost effective.

On the other side of the map, there's a doings a transpirin'!! znzf has just launched yet another attack on Louder's stargate base, this one consisting of about 12 dragoons or so. The defenders are very few, only 3 dragoons and a cannon, and some funny looking guys with big headdresses that kinda float around. There looks to be about ten of them. Things don't look too good for Louder. And here come the dragoons. They are picking off the stargates that are out of cannon range now, and... yes, two stargates are down. They are now engaging Louder's goons, and here comes one of the floaty headdress men... He's waving his hands around... Oh my god! Lightning over the attackers! They are dying in droves!! More lightning! And more! And now they are retreating with their large metallic rotating balls between their legs! Wow! Those 10 lightning guys really helped out. You say they are what? Templar? You don't say...

(Editor's Note: Yes, there were 10 templar and 3 dragoons defending. And they weren't hallucinations. Absolutely fabulous.)

With his now formidable economy coming from 10 mineral patches and 2 gas vents, Sailr has been busy in the middle of the map, and I don't mean that he's been getting bus-ey. He's been building wraiths in his spare time, using a mail order kit that he got from the back of a comic book entitled 'The Adventures of Mephisto Jones - On Mars!'. He has about 16 of the Memphis Belle wannabes, and they are gathered in the very center of the map. After discovering that Wang has an expansion on the center island as well, he decides that it is time to make himself a factor in the game. He has sat on the sidelines for far too long, and it's killing time.

[insert Teenage Rampage, We're Not Gonna Take It, the theme from the Rock (the Sean Connery movie, not the wrestler) or Slaughterama here in order to set the mood]

After grouping his death squad of doom wraiths of fire and killing, Sailr charges his boys into Wang's easternmost island expansion, first destroying the 2 cannons, and then murdering all the busily mining probes. Without even a pause, Sailr zips his children of the night out of the way before Wang can retailate with carriers and corsairs, and flies up to Wang's northern expansion. He commands his fearsome fighters to smash through more of the semi-deadly peons, but must pull back as Wang sends his 6 carriers to deal with the newfound opposition. But what's this? The carriers are refusing to attack the wraiths for some reason... Oh I see. They are cloaked, and the carriers have no observer support. OOPS!! Wang swears enough to make a sailor blush (pun intended), and retreats his big sausages back to his central island expansion. Unfortunately on the way there they lose 3 of their number to the grinning gemini missiles. Sailr goes back to the task of finishing off Wang's northern island expansion, and smiles, knowing that he has turned the tide of this game, and has wrought himself cold hard vengeance in the process.

Now, I'm sure you ALL remember me mentioning that znzf built a stargate at his top left hand corner expansion, and it would appear that we've finally discovered what he is planning on using it for. Arbiters. Ohhh yeah. About now one lazily drifts out of its warp cocoon and floats along the air currents toward alpha's main, nearly coming in contact with Sailr's turrets at his principle base. Normally I think that Sailr would've noticed this and taken some action against it, but unfortunately he is a little tied up at the moment, what with the 6 carriers bearing down on his eastern flank.

Wraiths are cloaking and diving valiantly, but to the surprise of everyone, wraiths can dish out air to air damage, but they sure can't take it. It would seem that because of Wang's observer hovering around his carriers, the wraiths cloaking ability is useless. Therefore, although the brazen pilots manage to destroy 4 of the carriers and heavily damage another, Wang still wins the battle.

With the 2 still inflated blimps, Wang moves onto Sailr's expansion and starts pounding on the physics lab and science facility there. (Editor's Note: Hey Bill Nye!! Where's your inertia now?!) Eventually though, through sheer use of marines and his 1 BC, Sailr evicts the naughty protoss armada and repairs his buildings.

On the other side of the map, an interesting battle of delusion has been taking place. Louder is pushing up the back route and is bearing down on znzf's northernmost mineral only expansion with roughly 12 dragoons. znzf has only 3 dragoons and 2 cannons defending, but manages to drive off the attackers by hiding around a cliff and taking pot shots at Louder's goons. Apparently Louder assumed that there were far more lying in wait, and so decided not to push, thereby not destroying znzf's exp, even though he could have easily. I think znzf has been reading the Art of War or something...

Either that, or Louder just wants to kill znzf's OTHER expansion in that area. Louder has sent his massive 12 templar pimp squad along with an obs and 6-8 dragoons to the west across the plains where Wang once roamed free, and he has been wiping out everything he can, as fast as he can. znzf and alpha have been doing the same, going east from the bottom, wiping out Louder's expansions with a combination of dragoons, zealots, BC's, and 1 arbiter. The incredible volume of troops that znzf is attacking with has basically sealed Louder's fate, but he refuses to give in. However, another crushing blow to his morale comes when one of znzf's templar gets off a storm right in the middle of the 12 templar pimp squad, killing 6 and injuring 3. Talk about mad cost effective... 75 mana being traded for 300 minerals, 900 gas, and some random damage on several templar. Nice job.

But even this doesn't eliminate him completely. Facing off against the 3+ control groups of znzf's dragoons pushing towards Louder's main are about 5 templar and 6 dragoons who are not ready to die just yet. Through some absolutely massive storm abuse, Louder manages to inflict an insane amount of casualties on znzf's juggernaut. In all seriousness, about 15 or 16 dragoons died to a third of that number in templar. But even so, it is in vain. Louder's forces on the other side of the map have been routed, and his main is now dying. Louder is, for all intents and purposes, out of the game. He fought the good fight though, and his allies and enemies will not soon forget it.

Note: This is the second really cool looking picture. Unfortunately this is also the last.

However, there still is the matter of Wang and Sailr in the middle. Wang goes down relatively easily, as his 8 probe economy with no cannons does not hold up well against 8 of alpha's 3:3 wraiths, but Sailr is somewhat trickier. It would appear that it is time to pull out the big guns for this one. So team "Hey I don't know you!" does.

Cruising in at wavetop altitude comes a lone spacecraft. Sleek in it's design and suave in it's grace, it shimmers overtop the twilight landscape. A gentle ripple in the air seems to follow it, and a tingle runs through the spine of the wraith pilots. Looking to the south, they see this otherworldly craft come to a hovering rest overtop of some bare ground in the terran encampment. It seems to be absolutely inert, with no sound accompanying it's enigmatic visage. Suddenly, without warning, the space below it seems to split apart, and all at once the ground becomes a blurry cacophony of plasma. The arbiter has arrived and has spelled Sailr's doom.

And so ends a titanic and epic battle, rivaled only by the war I had earlier today when I was trying to put on my pants. Let's check out the scores, shall we? Yes. We shall.

Post Game Reflections, Meditations, and Lessons Learned:

1) The only way to beat a meatgrinder is with a bigger meat grinder. Or storm.

2) Keep your probes in gear. Never did znzf has an idle probe, and he had 40-50 of the little buggers.

3) As zerg, you need an expansion, especially against 2 protoss.

4) Cliffs are for tanks. repeat after me, cliffs are for tanks. (I was surprised there weren't any cliffings in this game)

5) Get detection, please?

6) Keep the pressure on.

7) 90 mineral patches on the map were totally depleted, meaning 135000 minerals were harvested. That's a lot. The minimap shows the mined out expansions (in black), the functional ones, and the 4 that were unclaimed at the end of the game (they are blue).

8) Although the game seemed somewhat one sided, I maintain that if Sailr hadn't been a vengeful bastard and taken Wang out with wraiths and had instead focused on znzf, thereby leaving Wang's carrier fleet alive, then the game could've swung the other way.

9) A lot happened in this game at the same time, which is why I force my poor old computer to exert itself long enough to make an animated minimap. 2 or 3 crashes and reboots later, here it is.

And one final set of statistics for your reading enjoyment regarding the clock picture...

  • Number of hours spent on it: 2
  • Number of layers involved in it: 15
  • Number of times Photoshop screwed me over by deciding to add stupid little lines on magical special 'impossible to find' layers: 13
  • Size of the first draft: 4.6 megs
  • Size of the second draft: 1.2 megs
  • Number of drafts I made before it became a reasonable size (330kb): 6
  • Number of people I bragged and showed it to after it was finished: 5
  • How proud of it I am on a scale of 1-10: Very.

    And with that, I shall leave you in meditation dear reader.

    Post Post Game Show

    What follows is a list of all the other Planet of the Apes bootleg/unofficial movies, shows, and merchandise that was not listed previously.

  • Stuck in the Middle With the Planet of the Apes
  • Stairway to the Planet of the Apes
  • Smells Like the Planet of the Apes - A Comedy
  • Planet of the Apes Freedom Concert with the Beastie Boys
  • Planet of the Apes Medical Tapes for Students - Dr. Xeos Having a Heart Attack While
  • Debating the Issue of Evolution
  • Planet of the Apes - Dr. Xeos Funeral Video - The People's Ape Doctor
  • The Planet of the Apes Will Never Die
  • The Planet of the Apes - We Promise This is the Last One
  • Planet of the Apes - The Reunion Movie
  • Planet of the Apes Director Fatally Shot - The Following Trial - A Video For Law Classes
  • The Planet of the Apes - A Look Back - A Documentary
  • A Funny Thing Happend on the way to the Planet of the Apes
  • Fiddler on the Planet of the Apes
  • Romeo and the Planet of the Apes
  • The Planet of the Apes and Juliet
  • Pirates of the Planet of the Apes
  • H.M.S. Planet of the Apes
  • The Three Penny Planet of the Apes
  • Sherlock Holmes and the Planet of the Apes
  • Saving Private Planet of the Apes
  • The Eightfold Path to the Planet of the Apes
  • The Book of the Planet of the Apes
  • Kama Sutra (Planet of the Apes Edition)
  • Moby Ape
  • Treasure Planet of the Apes
  • The Lord of the Planet of the Apes
  • Catcher in the Planet of the Apes
  • 19-Apey-4
  • So I Married a Planet of the Apes
  • The Merry Adventures of Robin and the Planet of the Apes
  • Planet of the Apes: Alpha Centauri
  • ApeCraft
  • Planet of the Apes 3: Arena
  • Planet of the Apes Tournament
  • Planet of the Apes - Travelling Without Moving
  • Planet of the Apes and the Bandits
  • Sunshine Sketches of a Little Planet of the Apes
  • Anne of Green Planet of the Apes
  • The Wizard of the Planet of the Apes
  • Alice in the Planet of the Apes
  • Snow White and the Seven Planet of the Apes
  • The Lawnmower Ape
  • Lionel Hampton and His New York City Planet of the Ape Band
  • Fear and Loathing in the Planet of the Apes
  • Frankenplanet of the Apes
  • Bill and Ted's Excellent Planet of the Apes
  • Guiness Book of Planet of the Apes
  • Ender's Planet of the Apes
  • Apemopolitan
  • Rolling Ape
  • Playape
  • USA Todape
  • PC Aper
  • Weekly World Ape
  • Thelonius Ape
  • Charlie "Apeman" Parker
  • Pikachape
  • So I Married an Ape Murderer
  • Apestin Powers
  • A Tale of Two Planets of the Apes
  • Rudolph the Red-Nosed Planet of the Apes
  • Apanity Fair
  • Dante's Planet of the Apes
  • "To sleep, perchance to ape."
  • "Ward, talk to the ape."
  • "But are you still master of your own ape?"
  • "But Ralph! I've got the ape!"
  • "Speak softly, and carry a big ape."

    A complete guide to all of these sayings, movies, television shows, songs, action figures, and characters can be found in 'The Planet of the Apes for Dummies'.

    And with that, I disappear for real.

    "And then one day, I came home and found myself with another hand."
    -George Carlin on Masturbation

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