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That Funny Cactus
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Author:Fractal_Wave
IP:24.67.14XXXX
Date: 08/16/00 05:08
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 9.4, # of Ratings: 5, Max: 10, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for Fractal_Wave: 8.2537




"Let your rapidity be that of the wind, your compactness that of the forest. In raiding and plundering be like fire, in immovability like a mountain. Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt."
-Sun Tzu

So, I'm wandering around my house, sweeping floors, doing dishes, removing beer stains, all that fun stuff. And, I get kinda bored doing this. I would play Quake, but the friend I usually play with is indisposed. Specifically, his computer is in its component parts on his floor, as he attempts to install a peltier and water cooling, keep the darn thing moveable, and get his Althon 500 to hit at least 750.

This is why I can't play Quake.

This is why I am again taking the familiar cd out of the famillar broken case, putting it in the drive, and watching the famillar load screen load(is it me or is Kerrigan really hot?).

Yes, ladies and gentlemen and both you hairless apes. (Hi Cynical!) Fractal's back. Kicking names and taking...no wait, that's not right. Whatever. I'm back. Please excuse the shameless plug for my own BRs in that paragraph.

And, just to make the return to Brood War complete, who do I see in the new & improved Clan ~NoHunters?

'Cactrot

Yes, it's an annoying little running Cactus from Final Fantasy Six! No. Wait. It's one of Bob's smurfs. Under any circumstances, Bob's one of my favorite people to play with. No, not in that sense, you sick perverted etc etc.

So we begin spamming the channel for a 2v2.
Bob: msg me for 2v2 or cyber
Me: Need 2 victims for a 2v2

And, eventually, two batters step up to the plate. HisShadow(perhaps better known as KaDaBrA), and Guns_N_Roses decide to give us a game. Bob asks me to create, so I wave my fingers and incant to the gods of StarCraft, and create a game on....~drum roll, please~

Winter Conquest!

The usualy bitching takes place in the lobby. I'm convinced that it's impossible to create a 2v2 and not have one person hate the map. Bob mentions that his eyes have started hurting already. ~sigh~

Cool as Ice. Fractal_Wave: Selects Green Zerg, spawns at 2:30.

'Cactrot(Bob): Randoms to Purple Zerg, spawns at 12:00. Fear the Purple.


HisShadow(KaD): Randoms to Red Zerg, spawns at 6:00

Guns_N_Roses(Guns): Ramdoms to Brown Terran, spawns at 10:30


And We're Live....


I send my first overlord scouting around clockwise, and Bob sends his counter-clockwise. Me & Bob slap Allied Chat on, and begin discussing strategy. The "plan" is for bob to go muties and me to go lurkers. So I grab and ovie on 8, and a Pool on 11 or 12. Me & Bob trade our second overlords, just to be sexy. I get an extractor directly after my Pool. Yes, I am aware that my build order is weird. I like it that way.

My overlord runs into a Red one 'round about the 4:30 main, and they exchange a few unsavory comments about their mothers. Now that we know we're got a zerg to deal with, Bob switches over to three-hatch zerglings. Not long after, Bob sees that Guns got Terran, and I switch to power hydras. This entails a 2nd hatch at my ramp, and (surprise!) my hydra den. So far my troop count is a gigantic two zerglings, which have been sent out to my enemies naturals to watch for bad guys coming to get me.

My overlord bloats slowly over KaD's base, and sees two hatcheries, gas, and 5-8 zerglings. As I order the fat floating thing back to my base, I see a lair beginning to morph. Yay. Muties on the way. Fun fun fun. I am Jack's lack of air defence.

So I start with the hydras and with an evo chamber to get some token spore colonies. I also put a creep colony behind my ramp hatch just on general principles. I was just about to morph it to a sunken when the Screaming Hordes of Hell(TM) comes up my ramp. Well, not really. Only about 8 zerglings from KaD. In fact, it's a remarkabley un-hellish strike force.

A shame that I only have one hydra and two zerglings and a morphing sunken. Well, shit.

~Insert Sounds Of Panicked, Resigned Defense Here~

I yell for help, and Bob goes to hit KaD.

Remember how Bob went 3-Hatch zerglings? Bob has a small horde of zergings on his hands here, which he sends to counter KaD while I try not to die. So I pull a few zerglings out of my nether regions, micro some drones until they explode, watch some more drones explode from KaD's lings, and eventually get rid of the annoying bloke. However, I have four(4) drones. I am Jack's total lack of economy. What I do have is an extra five or seven or something like that zerglings that just hatched to combat the threat. Bob's forces are halfway to KaD's base on a mission to counter him, so I throw my token few into the fray.

~Insert Sounds of Ass-Kicking and Overrunning Here~

We run up the ramp, and I send my 'lings to take out the morphing spire (200 hp!), while Bob goes on a mission to pop drones. As my four-drone economy doesn't require much macro, I can devote lots of time to not losing any zerglings and making sure that KaD loses lots. And lose he does. His spire goes down before it can finish morphing, which is a really good thing, because neither Bob nor I have any real air defence at the moment. I was planning on a hydra den, but me and my now-five drones are going nowhere fast.

We kill any last zerglings that KaD spawns, and rip his base down around his ears. One out and two to go. Although, through a mistake on my part I take KaD out of the game by killing his last building. Me.Dumb==True; Sorry mate.

Shhh....be quiet....


And then we get a nice quite period. I get an economy running that's substantially weaker that the Canadian dollar, but it's better than nothing. I also get a hydra den, two hydras and speed. And then, the wraiths from Guns_N_Roses show up. Only two of them, but they pop all of my overlords except the one in Bob's base, and I drive them off before they get Bob's overlord that's in my base. This leaves me with a well-and-truley godly 18 / 10 supply. This Just Sucks(TM).

So, I'm building overlords, and getting two spore colonies up to remove any single-wraith cheese. Remember kids, always order at least triple-wraith cheese, now only $1.49 at your local McDonalds! And we're back. Sorry about that commercial break folks.

All is quiet on the western front for a bit, then Bob get wraithed, by about five or six. if you do the math, five wraiths pop an overlord in two volleys. That's FAST kiddies. I curse & swear and send my hydras (about six or seven) to pull Bob's chestnuts out of the fire. They're just about a third of the way to his base when Guns sends his wraiths to my base. My cursing almost shattered my monitor as my hydras race back, and get there just as Bob's last overlord is popped. This is where Guns makes a rather bad call, as his wraiths all get popped by my hydras and spores. I am again at 18 / 10 supply, but he has no wraiths left. And, he has two zerg, two angry zerg, out to get him.

It would seem that Guns was thinking the same as me, because, with nary a word, he left the game, leaving Bob and myself the victors.

Right, that's it. End of the Battle Report. Go and Comment. No, really. I'm not kidding. Comment you fools. Go, go on. Leave. There's no more. I'm serious. The fact that the scroll bar is only 1/3 of the way down means NOTHING, especially not two mores games of me and Bob. Of course not. Go. Now! Out! Begone! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!






Are you still here? Well, fine, I suppose I'll do the other two games.

Game Two!


So me and Bob get back to the channel, and we decide to have another game. Again, we spam the channel, again Bob asks for cybersex, and again we get two people. Back for more lovin' is KaD, and a gentleman named sa|nt joins in. I creat away on The Best Map Ever(TM), Aftershock, and am promptly greeted with comments along the lines of.

a) OMG aftershock sucks!
b) OMFG ash tile set sucks!
c) OMFG your mom sucks!

Well, maybe that last one is an exaggeration. Maybe it's a total fabrication to enhance the humour value of this report. Hmmmm...I wonder....

At any rate, we begin.

I'm naked.  Are you? Fractal_Wave: Selects Red Zerg, spawns at 11:00.

'Cactrot(Bob): Randoms to Orange Terran, spawns at 9:30.

HisShadow(KaD): Selects Teal Zerg, spawns at 6:30

sa|nt(Saint): Randoms to Blue Protoss, spawns at 2:00

So we get going, and Bob lays down the law

'Cactrot: we cheese

So, cheese we do. Bob lays down a barracks before his supply depot, and I birth an overlord on 8, and a spawning pool on 9 and six zerglings on 11. In a fit of cruelty, Bob's scouting scv finds KaD's teal base, and we decide to take him out of the game. Bitchslapped twice in a row.

I send six zerglings with more on the way as fast as I can spawn them, and I send a drone, just because I can. Bob sends two marines and an SCV, with more coming.

About now I laugh manically. Aha ha ha. Did I mention that KaD's base had a single hatchery and another morphing when Bob scouted it? Excuse me while I laugh manically again. Ha ha ah ha ha

Whew. Done now. So.

We march into KaD's base, where a pool has just popped, and a creep colony is morphing. There are no zerglings, although I note that a few seem to be in the works. Poor KaD. I lay down my offensive colony within range of all his key structures, and send my my zerglings to take out his colony. Bob's SCV wanders round the other side of the minerals and builds a bunker. Kad's four zerglings spawn, and killed both of bob's marines before going down to my own 'lings. Then my sunken comes on line. I'd like to draw a curtain across this next scene for those of the faint of heart.

CENSORED DUE TO EXCESSIVE OWNAGE.

And that takes care of KaD, who is very, very bitter at getting his ass handed to him on a platter with cheese in two games straight. Now for Saint. My scouting overlord found his toss, with two gates and a forge, just before we took KaD to the cleaners.

Here, two of my zerglings run into three of his zealots somewhere between my base and Bob's base. Ack! Ack! Ack! My 2nd hatchery is morphing! If I get zealot rushed I am dead meat.

So what do I do? I tell Bob. And he sends four marines and I send six or so zerglings and we kill those three nasty scary bad zealots.

Then, Saint decides to leave the game, just like that. This seems to be a reoccuring theme here.

Yep, that's it folks. No more. No, honestly, there's not one more game, this one with real pictures. Shhhhh...where do you people get these crazy ideas?










Third Time's The Charm


So me & Bob decide to have one more go at it. I create on Dire Straights, and amazingly no one complains about the map choice.

Fractal_Wave::Sultan of Swing Fractal_Wave: Selects Teal Zerg, spawns at Bottom-Left

'Cactrot(Bob): Randoms to Blue Terran, spawns at Top-Right

TCBY_Lime(Lime): Randoms to Yellow Zerg, spawns at Bottom-Right

TelepathicSheep(Sheep): Randoms to Red Terran, spawns at Top-Left

Bob, being Bob, decides to Rax float the poor victim in the top-left. Bear in mind that we don't know who or what is in top-left yet. I ask Bob if I should go for muties or hydras. He says muties, and I begin to pray, to pray hard for no protoss and their goddamn accursed whoreson corsairs. If I had done the math I would have gone for hydras, as with two randoms the odds are one in six that no protoss will show up. That's 16.5 percent. Not happy odds there.

FloatfloatfloatfloatBut anyways. Bob performs the very bold (or stupid if it doesn't work) triple-rax on 13, with an acadamy as soons as the raxes are done and floating. This provides no end of amusment for me, and I am giggling happily as I proceed with my rather strange build. I pull an overlord on 8, an extractor on 9, a pool on 10 and then a lair and a 2nd hatch on 13, with a spire as soon as my lair is done(around 19 supply). I also send my 2nd overlord to Bob for detection. Oh, the fun never stops.

By now, Bob's barracks have landed on the flip side, and are merrily producing troops. I, still snickering contently, have just layed down my spire, and an evolution chamber to prevent any excessive cheese. I note that Bob's vile plan has been noticed by a lone red marine. As we all know, Red means that they're the bad guys, right? This lone red marine runs in fear of the three marines and a medic that come after him, and Bob's Rax Float of Doom is off and running!

This picture, excessive?  naw......



Excuse me while I curse & swear and rant about corsairs.

RBPIUT)U_(DF)*SD^f08756*)&%)*&%)8750847508750875)*&%087508764019874HIJGHB07T)*&%(&*%(*&bIUGPiug)*&%*YGFP08t087tr087t0786ipugpI&^()*6


phew. God I hate those little flying turds.

So. In case your puny little hampster-wheel modem is still trying to download that picture, I'll recap. Bob Rax Floated Sheep's main, came in with his marines and medics like a wolf in the fold, gobbled up all the SCVs, (I told you he was wolf-like.), and is now sinking his proverbial claws into the buildings. About 1/2 way through this escapade, Lime swings over my main with two corsairs. I am Jack's halfway done Spire and Evolution chamber. I watch my overlords go down one by one, and look at the completion bar on my spire. It's going to be close people. Very close. If the spire finishes in time, the six muties that will hatch can take out those mother-loving corsairs and get me my airspace back.

Here's the data: (Shockwave, I expect the correct answer from you:)
Two overlords, each with 200 HP
Two corsairs, each dealing 5e damage per round
A spire with 437 / 600 hp.

WHO WINS?

The answer is, the bad guy. By a split second. There's a hole in my desk from me pounding it with frustration. I am remarkable un-pleased. I am left with corsairs patroling my base, and 20/10 supply. Well, shit. I build two creep colonies on either side of my mineral line and morph them into spores as soon as I can. I build two move overlords, and set the rally point between my two spores. If Lime wants these ovies, he's gonna have to pay for it. However, for the moment, I am as useless as a baked potato.

Bob is a lucky bitch.  But we love him anywaysHowever, Bob is going on a mission. He's teched to dropships by now, is expanding to 12, and is preparing to hit Lime where it hurts. Of course, simply using dropships to ferry troops over would be way the hell too easy for a pimp ninja of Bob's caliber. What does he do? He floats his barracks over, of course. All the way from the top-left main to the bottom-right. And, miracle of miracles, he doesn't get caught. Bobo's been rubbing the rabbit's foot again, obviously.

Is it me, or is Rydia from Final Fantasy 4 really damn hot?Bob begins building his marine horde on Lime's main. I finally drive the corsairs off, by the highly scientific method of throwing scourge and muties at them until they leave. (Dear God in Heaven, Please Improve Scourge AI in 1.08. Thank you. ) Now, as I scramble to get enough mutalisks to hold off any new corsair strike, Lime comes to visit again. This time with a reaver, two zealots, and four corsairs. My four muties boldy go to engage them. And boldly get their asses handed to them on a platter. Uugh. I begin birthing zerglings in a futile attempt to clear the zealots and reaver off of my base. And yes, yes I know that zerglings are not the best way to remove zealots and reavers. I was kinda out of options at that point.

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!



Bob, on the other hand, is just getting started. In addition to the medarine horde he had trained from his triple floated raxes, he shuttled in another dropship full of infantry, just to keep things amusing. And then he went in. And when he went in, nothing could stand against him. His infantry iced the three token zealots on guard, went straight for the probes, and sent them to the great probe factory in the sky. Lime was left with no economy and a squad of terran infantry in the back of his base. And, just to add insult to injury, Bob's returning dropship noticed an attempted protoss expansion on the middle-right island, and drops it with four marines. That's gotta hurt Lime's pride a bit.

Oh, the shame of it



Look!  OVERLORDS!Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I am twitching with anger. My Spire is gone, my 2nd hatchery is gonemy Evolution Chamber is gone, and I'm rebuilding my spawning pool in the farthest corner of my base. It would seem that Lime's reaver is out of scarabs, or he's just rather pre-occupied by the events at home. FINALLY, I spawn six zerglings and, with some judicious micro, at least manage to hurt the reaver (and get rid of it's scarabs.) I also build a creep colony just out of range of the darn thing, and morph it to a sunken. Another round of zerglings is spawned, and the reaver twitches forward. Into the range of my sunken. Hot damn but that one felt good. My zerglings hunt down the zealots, the corsairs book it back home to try to keep Lime alive, and again my island is clear of bad guys. And, finally, I can spawn overlords in peace. I make a solemn vow to never, ever, ever go fast muties on dire ever again. It's hydra time.

I'm SO cool.I begin cranking out drones again, and get a quick hydra den and three hydras to ward off any mauruading corsairs. This is where I notice that the heroic sunken that killed Lime's reaver is right in the way of my drones. Alas, poor sunken. I knew him, Horatio. A man of infinte jest..Anyways. My hydras pop the sunken, leaving my drones free to gather. Soon, my economy is strong enough to warrent a 2nd hatchery again. Wheee!


STOP! Mini-Map Update!

Dire, Dire, Dire



Bob comsats the middle-left island, and reveals that Lime has expanded there and is cannoning up. He's got a stargate up and running, which means more corsairs. I am So Happy.

I fucking hate corsairsAnd corsairs there are. A squad of six runs over my base and kills an overlord. They they sneak in the back of Bob's base and kill the one I had stationed there. Curse, Swear Bad Words. 18 / 17 Supply. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Lime will die a painful miserable death. Involving a rusty cheese grater. Bob, however, decides to do something even worse. No, really. Much worse. He blinds them. See, this is why I like playing with Bob.


What bob said



The other reason I like playing with Bob can be seen on the south edge of the 12o'clock island, where he's set up several seige tanks and is blasting merrily away at the northern photon cannons that Lime has set up. As he does this, my -- Excuse me. Time for a gratutious picture. Lord knows, we've not had enough of those.


That's gonna leave a mark


Anyways. My overlord transporting has just finished, and I've just started work on speed. One benefit of having no supply is that cash piles up fast and can be spent on upgrades. Now, however, I've finally got enough hydras to keep the corsairs out.

Bob drops a dropship of infantry on the north edge of Lime's island, and ends up with two medics and one marines left alive after taking out Lime's defenses. However, all Lime has is corsairs, who can only watch impotently and be blinded by Bob's medics. Serves the fuckers right.

I ask Bob to scan 6 to see if Lime's expanded there, and, sure enough, the scan shows a nexus, several pylons, and four cannons warping. If only I had speed, I could drop him now, before the cannons warp in. But dropping with slow ovies against a protoss with corsairs is begging to have all over your overlords reduced to red gore. So I wait. Bob's lone marines gets killed someway or other, and Lime probably thinks that he'll get a breather. Sorry Lime, but my overlord speed just finished. And, it looks like Bob's about to drop you from the north. How jolly.


There really is a country song called drop-kick me jesus through the goal posts of life



My hydra are dropped in a gap between two cannons, and start ripping cannons up. Lime covered the north end of the 6 o'clock island well, but the south-side was shoddily done, which let me take the cannons out one at a time, and not lose many hydras. I finished with three left, having killed five cannons and four probes. Meanwhile, Bob has dropped 8 goliaths on the north end of the middle-left island, and I can hear the autocannon shells ripping into buildings from here.

Faced with a drop on each of his bases and no probes to speak of, TCBY_Lime surrenders with a gg.

And that is that. I'm serious, this time it really is the end. Sorry. Or maybe not, depending on how much you like my reporting style.






Random Cheesy Pick-Up Line!
"I'd really like to see what you look like when I'm naked."



All the best,
Fractal_Wave

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