|"The tank rolled up to the cherry spot on my plateau, pulled out Mjorlnir and made him my bitch."|
|Discovering the Meaning of Frustration: Diary of a Paladin|
|Date: ||07/24/00 05:07|
|Game Type: ||Other|
|Labels:||Famous Reporter(1), Rare game(1), Old Classic(1), Great Writing(1)|
|Report Rating: , # of Ratings: 5, Max: 10, Min: 7|
Lifetime Rating for CynicalMagician: 8.7556
WARNING: THIS BR CONTAINS LANGUAGE WHICH IS INAPPROPRIATE FOR ANYONE WITH A SENSE OF DECENCY!
WARNING: THIS IS ALSO A D2 BR, SO IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE GAME, YOU WON'T GET THE JOKES
With that said, good morrow, and welcome to another BR for those with an attention span of less than 4 seconds by the author who consistently manages to come under assassination attempts by those owning dialups, the CynicalMagician!
Hey hey! Yes, I'm back, this time with a bit of a monkey wrench thrown in the mix for good measure. Yes that's right, it's a D2 BR!!
No no, little girl, stop crying. I promise, this isn't crappy! Just because it's a BR on an RPG doesn't mean that it's bad.
No, little girl, stop it. C'mon. I've got a job to do here, please stop. I'll give you candy! You like candy? Ok! Run over there behind that dumpster, and hide for as long as you can, and afterwords, your mommy will give you some candy. Alright? Ok! You run now! Faster! Faster! Go!
There we are. Anyway, although normally I would cram you full of a million colourful and overly fancy pics that would drive your dialup to a life of selling crack by the streetcorner and pimpin' various people's mothers, I've decided to change. There will be a few images, but probably no more than ten, so it'll probably end up being about 500k or so.
The point of me telling you this? No Sporff. Cheer or cry, whatever, but I'm too tired to write one today. Regardless though, since it's mostly text, the pictures aren't necessary anyway, so it doesn't matter if you don't want for them to load.
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MUAHAHA! YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD GET AWAY EASY, DID YOU MR 56K?! BOW TO MY POWER OVER YOU!! DOWNLOAD A 1.6 MEGABYTE MP3 TO PLAY!! I CRUSH THEE UNDER MY THUMB, YOU BLISTERINGLY INFERIOR MODEMS! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
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And with that, we begin.
Entry 1 - The Very Dirty Gypsy Encampment
Well, I got here about 5 hours ago, and I'm ready for adventure! I'm going to clean up this land, and I know it. The people in this camp seem really nice, especially the smithy. She's hot. Unfortunately for me though, I seem to be the only man around here, which leads me to some unpleasant conclusions about the Sisters of the Sightless Eye... Oh well. I picked up a quest from the leader around here, apparently there's a Den of Evil out in the wilderness. It was supposedly a rogue temple or something before it got over-run by monsters. I guess I'll go there soon, but I'm going to see if I can afford some armour first. This quilt just isn't cutting it. I'm getting rashes, and I don't like the way it chaffs my skin. Maybe the local alchemist will be able to give me some salve or something.
Entry 2 - The Woods of Christopher Robin
My god. The woods around here are interesting, to say the least. Case in point, there I am, walking out across the bridge into the woods, when a sharp needle hits me in the back. I turn around, some porcupine thing is standing there, getting ready to shoot another. So I run over and smack it around, but his buddy is standing another 15 feet away, and HE shoots me with a dart. So I kill him too. I then repeat this for roughly 2 hours, running across the forest. Those little needly things poked holes in my armour, and the smithy says she's too busy to fix it. I'll be up all night trying to sew them closed. Some stuck in the fabric too, making my rashes even worse! The alchemist still hasn't done anything for me. I guess I only asked yesterday, but still... It really burns. But it doesn't matter, I'm fighting for the greater good of heaven! I will prevail!
Entry 3 - The Den of Evil Scary Bad Things
I finally found that den of evil the rogue leader was talking about. Took me like 5 hours tramping around the damn woods to find it though, the entrance was so small. Couldn't have been bigger than 2 feet across, so I had to crawl through on my belly to make it in. Once I was in there it wasn't much better, the cavern stretched on for a long way. My quest was to kill all the monsters in there, and I did that pretty well. I did it pretty well a number of times actually, but the stupid wizards kept on resurrecting those little gobliny shrimps. Man, those are the most annoying things I've ever seen. They run at you, take a swipe, then panick and run away. So fast too, they had me driving up the walls. I'd finally get close enough to crack it's skull open, and then a couple seconds later it would just get back up again, like nothing happened. Bloody things. Finally figured out that I had to kill the shamans first, but that wasn't made any easier by the stupid Yeti's around there. They were friggin' huge! It's a good thing they were so weak. It's like they were made of playdoh or something. Came apart like cake under a hammer.
Anyway, I finally managed to kill everything down there, and I did get a free training class in anything I wanted. Too bad they didn't have one in rash treatment. The bloody alchemist is really taking her time on this one. I wish I had the money for new equipment, but so far I've been lucky to find 2 coins off of these cheap monsters. I came looking for adventure, not this trash... *sigh* I should stop being so angry, I'm here to help after all.
Entry 4 - Smashing Things is Fun
You remember that rash I was telling you about? Well, it's not gone yet! I woke up this morning and I told the alchemist, get your ass in gear, I need that bloody potion. Of course, she didn't have it ready, so I was screwed for at least another day. I swear I'm going to kill the stupid bitch if she doesn't start pulling through.
Anyway, after that little ordeal I went out into the woods to try and find some things to kill. Boy did I. The little runty things that keep coming back to life were out in full force today, but luckily I was ready for them. I learned a really neat trick called Thorns, and that kept them off me quite a bit. I also killed a bunch more of those stupid needle throwing porcupine bastards too. All the while I was going, "There's the alchemist!" %*SMASH*% "No, there she is!!" %*GORE*% "Or is that the bitch?!" %*KILL*% Pretty soon I had killed the whole area off, and there was one helluva stench. So, I decided to venture on, and I found myself in a graveyard with some sprinting dyke shooting fiery shit at me. I had to chase that wench around for almost half an hour til I finally offed her. It was worth it though! I got new armour! Some nice hard leather armour! Yes!!
Entry 5 - The Tower
I must be the most unlucky bastard ever to become an adventurer. I'm allergic to the oil I have to use on my armour to keep it in good repair, so I've still got rashes. The alchemist says she will help, but I've lost all faith in her. The itching kept me up all night last night. The only thing I've found that helps is the spilling of the blood of those unkillable-because-they-keep-getting-resurrected bastards, but I think that may just be a psychological thing. Whatever though, I just like knocking 'em over so I can watch them get up, and then knock 'em over again.
Because it seems to help, I decided to go around and kill more stuff. I ended up in the basement of doom, and I butchered everything there. I've become one with my axe. I've actually started hearing it talking to me... "Smash things... Break stuff... Kill that... Flay the alchemist...." It's been my only real friend around here so far. It listens to me, and I've found it really helps with my problems. It's name is Billy. Billy the Axe.
Entry 6 - Triscuit - Not For Pansies
So I went through a mystical magical portal today under the advice of Casha, or whatever her name is. I found myself in Triscuit, a burnt out town full of zombies and whatnot. A couple interesting things happened though. I killed some big fat guy that was guarding a parakeet. Well, I thought it was a parakeet, that was what the cage looked like. When I opened it though, it was a man that jumped out. His name was Death 'n' Pain, or Deck of Pain, or something like that. I think he's bullshitting me, but whatever. He says he'll tell me what the hell I'm supposed to be doing for free, and that's good enough for me. The other odd thing that I found was some little kid's pegleg buried under a corpse. I picked it up without knowing why. Call me morbid, but I think it would make a good weapon.
After I found the pegleg, I decided to head back to town. Casha had a new quest, find the gates to the east, which are marked by a big temple of some sort. She said it's easy to find, because it stretches for seemingly miles into the sky. I'll believe it when I see it though.
Entry 7 - The New and Improved Butcher
After searching for one helluva long time, I finally found the friggin' monastary. Damn that place was hidden. It didn't help that I've started hearing voices, voices that say "Beasts lie east, so go quest west!" (Editor's Note: Name that game....) Eventually I found the head crackhouse though, and boy was that a pain to get through. Those needle spine launching porcupines were back, but they were the gay pride edition. All rainbow coloured, but they fought with the power of the Richard Simmons deity flowing through them. Plus, a whole bunch of scantily clad lesbian hunter fiend S+M freaks with whips. Damnit, it was brutal, and that was just the courtyard. After that I had to hack and slash my way to victory in a series of very VERY annoying rooms filled with barrels. It's really fun hunting through a big room looking for that one bastard shaman who keeps resurrecting the little midgets with swords. Yeah, I love it. I get a real FUCKING thrill outta that stuff guys. Thanks.
Finally though, I made it to the back room with this great big idiot that looked like an older, deader, fatter, uglier, pinker version of my dad. He was guarding some hammer that the hot smithy lost. Stupid townsfolk, keep track of your own damn stuff. I'm not your fucking courier. I did manage to kill the big fat guy, but he was a real bastard.
So after I killed him, I took the hammer of Megaman or whatever the hell it's called back to the smithy. She did make all the shit I put up with worthwhile though, she gave me a really nice axe. I feel very powerful, it's a real trip holding this thing. She said something about it being enchanted with a fear spell, but I wasn't really listening, I was trying to look down her shirt.
Entry 8 - Prison Rape
Well, I found out what the smithy was talking about with the fear enchantment. It turns out that whenever I hit a monster with this axe, and it doesn't get killed outright, it turns around and runs like a girl. That's all well and good when I'm dealing with big packs of those metal bikini leather whip things, but it's hell fighting archers. I run up, hit the monster, it runs. I start on another guy, and I find that the first guy I hit has run across the room and started firing on me again. I really appreciate the help smithy. Next time try putting a spell on my weapon that isn't so damn annoying. I'm totally not in the groove with this axe. My last one was like a perfect wife. This one is a nagging ice princess with a 500 pound mother-in-law. It just whines. "Kill the monster, get the treasure..." Bitch, bitch, bitch. What's more, I sold my other axe, so I'm screwed with this one for now.
Course, I did managed to haul ass through a couple floors of prisons today. My god, I didn't think that they could design a building that flows worse than the area with the big fat ugly guy with the hammer, but they did. Twists and turns, dead ends, it's like they WANTED the wardens to go insane. Lots of fun treasure, and I did manage to find an antidote potion. I put that on my rash, and bang! Problem solved. Thank god for small blessings.
Entry 9 - The Multi Armed Bitch
I think I really helped out the sisters of the sightless eye. I kicked ass all the way to the bottom of the jail, and through about 1735 corridors filled with zombies that take a million thousand hits to kill but keep running away so it's really hard to kill them, and I finally made it to the bottom final room. After being pestered by some giant lizard dog looking things, I swung open the door, and there was this big cackling thing there. It looked like my ex-girlfriend. Had a lot of the same traits too. She was poisonous, had claws and teeth she wasn't afraid to use, and also reeked of cheap liquor. She was also surrounded by a bunch of little crackhead monsters that kept getting in the way of me kicking her ass. Eventually though, after being frozen and thawed and set on fire and put out more times than a cut rate hotdog, I killed her. Took me a damn long time, but it was worth it. I picked up some nice treasure. One of the things was a really nice necklace. I put it on, and from then on, whenever I kicked something's ass I felt like I was stronger because I was absorbing their soul. Muahahhahaha! I am a god!!! Course, now I have a chorus of idiot monsters yelling in my head, but that's a minor side effect.
So back to the encampment I went, my mind filled with the gibbering of those damn creatures, and when I got there the rogue's went cheap on me. I got 'respect' and 'gratitude' and 'a feeling of good inside of me'. That's crap. I want treasure. I want money, I want weapons, I want armour. Give it to me baby. Bloody cheapasses. After I was commended for my efforts, the bitch had the nerve to try and sell me some potions. No shame.
Anyway, after I bought a couple more antidotes for my rash I decided to press on. I got that little punk Wario off his freeloading butt and told him to take me to the desert! So, we're on our way now. It's hotter than hell during the daytime, and colder than a whore's heart in winter in the night. I hate it. Why can't the weather just make up it's mind?
Speaking of minds, mine is getting awfully full of idiots lately. This life sapping has been a real mixed bag.
Entry 10 - On the Road (No Kerouac Jokes)
Wario said we'd be to the desert city in 3 days, but it's been 5 so far, and the other people in the caravan say it'll be another couple at least. Lying scum. If I weren't supposed to be a warrior of the heavens I'd butcher the little punk. Damn my infernal morals. Hopefully we'll get there soon, I'm itching to get some action. I'm also itching because of the sand that's gotten into my bedding. The bloody idiot caravan people don't really understand how to cover things up properly in a wind. What's more is that my axe has started talking to me again. Even though I still hate my axe, it's been mocking me. "You're no warrior, you're a pansy. Kill that faster. Swing harder." I tell you, it's worse than marriage.
Entry 11 - City of the Fleas
Well, we made it to the city. It's a bloody hole. Worse than the rogue encampment. Far worse. This place is hotter than hell, and there are these weird assed armadillo things running all over the place. They really creep me out, with their beedy eyes, and sharp teeth, and disease infested bodies. Terrible. But what's worse than them is the bugs. Fleas, roaches, scarabs, spiders, maggots, if it's got more legs than I do, it's here. Damn things got into my baggage too. Little bastards got all over the peg leg I've been carrying around, filled it full of pits and tunnels. It wasn't much more than that before, but now it's as holy as.. well.. me.
Aside from the vermin, there are other stupid things about this town. First, the people are jackasses. The mayor has some sort of treasure locked up in his precious palace, but the bastard won't even let me see it. If I wasn't such a nice guy I'd split that yuppy in two and get the treasure myself. Course, I'm not allowed to do that.
Entry 12 - The Dunes
So I went for a walk out in the desert today, I just needed to find some blood. The voices in my head are getting louder, but I can still tolerate them. It's just too bad they are so high pitched. It's like a flock of sparrows flying around, chirping like the lovely little birds they are.
Anyway, I was out there, and I discovered the fastest moving creature I've ever seen. It runs across the sand at close to the speed of sound, and then the bloody things jump overtop of you, and attack from the other side, and then run off. The townsfolk call them dune leapers, but I call them jumping, drug crazed jackasses. They really are very weak though, it only takes a couple hits to take 'em apart. Kinda fun to tear them up too, they make a fun noise.
Also among the desert denizens are these big feline people that have spears or bows. The people say they are a sophisticated tribe of huntresses that have lived in the desert for hundreds of years. I disagree, I think they are just another bunch of pussycats that get to fall by my axe. I've got enough catgut to make a thousand tennis rackets too. Who says destruction can't be profitable?
Entry 13 - The Sewers - The Next Eden
I've just been talking to the innkeeper, and she says that she wants me to 'do the town a favour' and kill the Radarak, or the Radikax, or the Radishhead, or whatever the hell his name is, the big badass in the sewers. She says that he's killed quite a number of the towns 'beloved citizens', but I say that's bull. No one in this town could be beloved, they're all jerks. But, I need the money, and she say's she'll get all the price gouging merchants to cut me some slack if I kill the Radishman, so I guess I'll have to.
With the money not calling my name, but yelling it, I started on the sewers today. I had to dive through a little trap door at the end of a road, and that was a real fun adventure with my 40 pounds of equipment, but I didn't die, so that was a bonus. Once down in the sewers it was even worse though. The smell was unbearable! Like a million camels with a million cases of bad digestion all standing in the same field, while a million sweaty men riding them all belch out the alphabet. Except with more urine. Plus, there are far too many skeletons down there, and other assorted living dead. And if that wasn't enough, there were big lanky guys running around like they owned the place, and they were ugly as hell, even worse than the innkeeper that sent me down here in the first place. And the things breed like rabbits! The most promiscuous undead I've ever seen! Whores! All of them! There's no possible way there could be this many monsters down here WITHOUT them being nymphos. It's terrible.
Course, I love teaching them about morals. Muahahahaha. Burn baby burn, paladin inferno!
Entry 14 - Death of the Radishman
Wow. I can hardly contain myself. 10% off everything. That's what I got for killing the Radishman down in the sewers. In case you can't tell, I'm being FUCKING sarcastic. I think 10% off is a load of BS for what I had to put up with. These damn townsfolk think they can just screw me over, time and time again, but I'm getting pretty DAMN tired of it. Especially when the people screwing me over are ugly.
It's a good thing Radishman himself wasn't that big of a fight, he was a big weinery halloween reject with a couple wimpy magicians around him. What a waste, I got all psyched up for a big fight, and I ended up with that anticlimatic trouncing. Oh well. Maybe soon I'll find some real adventure.
Actually, aside from most of the people, I'm beginning to not hate this place as much. The insects are controllable, if you use the right repellants. I got a good repellant from Fara, the blacksmith around here. It turns out that she's a paladin too, and she's not a bad girl. I'm hoping to be able to spend some more time with her, get to know her a little better, get laid...
Oh my god! I can't believe I just wrote that! What's happening to my once pure mind! I must concentrate on the goals at hand, not getting some action from a fellow paladin!!
Entry 15 - Adventures in Reality
I was once again out on the shifting sands, this time venturing further into the wilderness. I've been running into increasingly tougher and more dangerous creatures out here. More funny looking feline warrior things, these gigantic green thumpers that grunt like cows, giant roaches... Oh and how could I forget the buzzards. Yes, the buzzards. Lovely creatures those, very noble. Also very stupid. Very slow, very ugly, very moronic, very odorous. The only thing that isn't frustrating about them is the explosion of feathers they yield when you cut one in half. Haha, I love that. Very fun.
Also, I discovered a strange cave. It looked somewhat like a gigantic ant hill, and Cain (The guy I thought was Death'n'Pain) says that it is the burial spot of an ancient treasure. I'm planning on exploring it tomorrow. After I talk to Fava some more of course.
Entry - 16 - Giant Bugs
Yesterday I mentioned discovering the maggot worm lair, and I said I would explore it today. So I did. That was a massive waste of my time. Cain said there would be treasure in amounts I was unable to dream of down there, but all I found was emptiness, lonliness, and GIANT MOFO'IN BUGS! Enormous beetles scurried this way and that down there, jumping out of the walls, running from corridor to corridor, and trying like hell to kill me! Slimy, poisonous bastards, they were, and they reeked worse than the sewers. A putrid stench to say the least. And if that wasn't enough, they laid eggs. Dozens of eggs, with an incubation period of seconds, meaning they were constantly hatching new babies to try and kill me. Boy, I butchered them by the hundreds though. Finally I made it to the very bottom, most pungent room possible, and there, in the middle, was a bloated, rotting, hideous worm, surrounded by several lesser bugs. I chucked so many explosives in there, but they didn't help. I finally had to go in there and hack everything to pieces with my bitch of an axe. I got green ooze all over my clothes too, and since there isn't a launderer in town, I had to clean them myself. Disgusting, I don't think ANYTHING will get those stains out.
Back to the story though. After I killed the big mother of them all, I found a chest underneath her body. "This is it," I thought, and opened it up. All that was in it was 76 gold coins and the bottom of a staff. What a bloody waste. I swore and bitched and moaned for hours. I tell you, any of the monsters I met on the way back to town didn't fare very well. When I got back, Cain told me that the staff bottom was needed to find the tomb of Taj Mahal, or some such thing, but I was still pretty pissed. I still am actually, I'm going to go get a drink.
Entry 17 - So Close, and Yet, So Far
Phew. I'm still reeling from last night. I went to a place where I could see that troubles were all the same, you know, the local bar. I was just hoping to drink my sorrows away, you know? Well, after I had a few, one of the villagers comes up to me and says, "Can I touch your axe?" Now, I can't remember what happened, but the bartender says I flipped out on this poor guy, started calling him a fag and an idiot, and that if he wanted an axe to touch he should go see the mayor or the whores down by the docks. He ran off pretty quick, or so they tell me, and after that I passed out for a few hours. When I woke up, Fava was sitting beside me, so I started hitting on her. It started out, "You know, I've got a potion of stamina in my backpack..." and "Wanna join my guild?", but after a while, I was so drunk I started getting blunter and blunter. "I've also got a +4 Amulet of the god Erotica," and, "I THINK IT'S TIME FOR US TO HAVE SEX NOW, K?? THANKS."
It wasn't long after that the bartender threw me out. That jackass, I was going to score.
Cue the music.