"Just sit right back and enjoy the tale, the tale of a
Sorry, that is totally not right. Hmm, how about...
"When the going gets tough, and the stomach acids flow...The
cold wind of conformity is nipping at your nose...When some trendy
new atrocity has brought you to your knees...Come with us, we'll
sail the Seas of Cheese!!!" <--------Homage
Now that is beautimous. I think I still need one more
"I'm your captain, I'm your captain...And I'm
Sick in the head that is. Yes, I have stumbled upon a few
of the people most in need of mental help on battle.net. This
is called "Captains plus one!" due to the presence of not
1, not 2, not even 3, but FIVE captains!!! And not only
are they arrogant enough to think they all need to be wearing the
title of "Captain", they have the skill, and most
importantly, the balls, to carry themselves so. Of course,
with all they have going for them, they must have some quirk and that
quirk is not a one of them are in the least bit sane. Being
the Doctor and all, I am going to have to hit the books a little
harder to figure this shit out!
Who is gracing our presence:
- Captain-Scrotum - Nice way to start this out, eh?
Hmm, not much known here other than he is quite an exemplary
player relying on his 'maniac like' tactics to sneak in
people's back doors in at least four ways...hence, the Scrotum.
- Captain-Obvious - Master of the, well...obvious.
A proponent of major smack-talk in NoHunters and the commencment
of smackdowns on those who face him. Usually can be found
in some sort of higher level gutter talk with...
- Cptn-OfPoasAnus - Heavy Duty Fruity of NoHunters and
BR.com. Walks da walk, talks the talk. Only weakness
known is some sort of infatuation with Richard Simmons.
- Captain-STFU - Don't speak, just STFU! Wise
beyond his years this guru of the unseen forces has climbed his pinnacle
of zen and has arrived at the more direct approach of "put
up or STFU!!!"
- Captain-SeX - What game is complete without the direct
references and innuendos of sex? Of course, his style is a
little more directed at totally butt-raping someone while they
are futilely attempting a tech-build. He specializes in
the enforcement of seldom seen sex laws and holds his forte in sodomy.
- The Variable - Spelled with some 'dot dots' and a 'parenthesis'
or something like that. The one who goes by the ever changing
Variable is indeed the balance to this set up and does provide
some sort of anchor to the sane world. He is also the only
How did we get here? Well, it is a little long, I will try
to speed the small talk up. Not that there was much of
it. All of this really happened quite fast.
It started on the farm:
yes, there were a few other "Captains" involved.
They had not the stamina after the farm. So, we made
anew. Unfortunately, this new game, now a FFA, was met with
mucho lag and after making their fair share of 'gay',
'can't-stand-the-lag-I-must-play-zealot farm' comments, everyone
dropped and we tried again.
During all this game hopping, not once did anyone
let up any ounce of NOT smack talking. It was at this time I
realized I may be in over my head in the crazy world the 'Captains'
have created for themselves. I am a trooper, though, and we
finally got the game.
I have to say, if you made it this far, stick
around. I am half lit right now (notice no accent, much too
hard to figure out right now), and the captains are going to take us
on one hell of a ride.
Lets get to the game!
Yay! We are in the game, lag is not an issue,
and no one is dropping. Perhaps this will be a serious
endeavor from the captains? Wait. Captain-SeX
has decided to set the tone of the game with a total barrage of
superfluous chatter to try and lag out, or just create hate and
discontent. He is totally successful with the latter.
After about a full minute of Captain-SeX's unwanted
spam, the rest of the captains pool together (except for Captain-Obvious, he never got the hack) and set the b.net scroll
hack .This hack comes with patch
1.4567234 . Of course, when you set the scroll hack, there is a caveat that initializes a Warez
'no-one-can-defeat' map hack. Now that the hacks are
established we can continue on with this cluster-fuck of a game!
Everyone eventually gets settled in after the start.
There are three Zerg players. Captain-STFU has brown zerg at
12:00. Captain-Obvious has purple zerg at 6:00. And
Cptn-OfPoasAnus has white zerg at 7:00. The zerg players all
follow a similar build in establishing gas, early zerglings, and an
There are two Protoss players. Captain-Scrotum
is in charge of yellow protoss at 1:00. Variable has the red
protoss at 5:00. Both protoss go for early zealots, followed
with a slow tech from Cybernetics Cores.
The lone Terran participant is none other than Captain-SeX. He has a blue terran faction at 11:00.
Double barracks with gas and academy are the beginnings of his
will give a mini-map here, and you can see the map is basically
split in two. Terran, Zerg, Protoss on the top half and Zerg,
Zerg, Protoss on the bottom half. Will the battles stay on
each half? Will anyone be safe? I think not.
Scouts abound and die. And holding true that there will always
be an early aggressor... both protoss set out to ruin a foe.
Captain-Scrotum is the first to incite worry.
Captain-STFU has decided on an early expansion Hatchery in between
himself and Captain-Scrotum. This expansion is almost
immediately set upon by 2 zealots from Captain-Scrotum.
Captain-SeX has a marine on scout duty and sees almost all of
Captain-STFU's drones go to fight the zealots and try to save his
newly morphed Hatch. The zealots fall, along with the
hatchery, a few drones, a marine, and a few zerglings.
Captain-STFU was able to place two sunkens down on the creep before
Variable has also taken the early irritating
offensive and is really succeeding in pissing Captain-Obvious off
with a few zealots in his main at 6:00. After a few moments of
aggravation, the zealots are called off.
Captain-Obvious, not being bothered by zealots
anymore, heads out to try and secure an expansion, and take out a
new one in-between his base and Cptn-OfPoasAnus'. As
Captain-Obvious gets involved with a zergling fight at
Cptn-OfPoasAnus' expansion, 4 more zealots show up to wreak havoc in
his drone line, compliments of Variable. Captain-Obvious is a
little disgruntled at the loss of his zerglings at the expansion,
and some of his drones at home. The zealots kill the extractor
before new zerglings can stop the madness.
Back up north, Captain-STFU and Captain-Scrotum have
met at a stand-off. They have both secured the two expansions in-between
them and are setting up troops to protect themselves from each
Variable is just beginning an expansion north of his
main, and has been teching like a whore while zealot harassing Captain-Obvious.
Cptn-OfPoasAnus has set up two fledgling expansions
now, both in between him and Captain-Obvious, and Captain-Obvious has managed to expand
once towards the middle despite his
inopportune timing so far.
Now, Captain-SeX has been relatively quiet.
Troop-wise, not mouth-wise, so far. Alas, he has a small group
of M&M. 4 marines with a medic each are heading down
south. Apparently, he has seen his other two northern
counterparts involved with each other and sets his sights on
small terran troop I imagine was really only a beefy scouting
party. But when they get to the zerg main of Cptn-OfPoasAnus,
they find it totally empty of any offensive troop or defensive
structure. You see, Cptn-OfPoasAnus was focusing on his
expansions near Captain-Obvious, and has all of his zerglings are away
from his main. The marine force has stim-packs, and use
them. They are able kill quite a few drones before
Cptn-OfPoasAnus is able to micro himself out and chase the remaining
you didn't notice, Captain-Obvious is laughing pretty hard at
Cptn-OfPoasAnus' predicament. He is quick to frown as Variable
rises again and starts another pissed off zealot uprising in his
main at 6:00. 8 nasty red zealots come charging into Captain-Obvious'
base and begin to reign holy terror down on the two Hatcheries
there. A few zerglings are ready to counter, and that they
do. Aside from some major troop loss of both zerglings and
drones, mucho micro lets the Hatcheries stand.
Seeing as how he is so ill-prepared for M&M, and
coupled with the fact a hostile zerg is at his immediate right,
Cptn-OfPoasAnus decides to pull the greatest defensive maneuver of
all during a FFA.
An alliance! Of course, the chosen person to offer an alliance
to is the nearby zerg of Captain-Obvious, who is at this moment
barely suviving the zealot raids of Variable. It is
agreed. Set in stone. The pimp has got his whore.
Will this alliance be the end of all the
others? Who will backstab who? Who will they tag
team? Who was the one responsible for creating
and quartered, keel-hauled, and then fed to the sharks). Well,
before we got on to the alliance, lets catch up on some stuff.
There is a border war up north. Captain-STFU,
at 12:00 has his expansion to his right. This expansion has
one small bridge that leads right into Captain-Scrotum's (1:00)
expansion. They both play cat and mouse over the bridge.
Both are mining from those expansions and both have taken the
opportunity to expand again. Captain-Scrotum has secured a
node at roughly 3:00, and Captain-STFU has secured a very well
placed node right smack dab in the middle of the map. Mini-map
update, do your thing:
From the mini-map you can see Captain-Obvious is
just finishing up with the zealots in his base. It is at this
moment that the alliance is formed. There are also
2 blue blobs in the vicinity of the white base. The closest
group of blue is the 4 medics that were chased away. They are
patiently waiting on the second blob to get to them. The
second blob happens to be 12 stimmed marines hurriedly marching
their drugged asses down to create more problems for Cptn-OfPoasAnus.
This is actually a pretty quick turnaround for Captain-SeX. He
is looking for fast and bold blood on Cptn-OfPoasAnus, and indeed he
reeling from the initial zergling fights and the horrendous 4 marine
attack force, Cptn-OfPoasAnus is in no way ready for 12 stimmed
marines with medic support. At first site of them, he hastily
tries to erect more sunkens with his drones, and tries to dance his
zerglings around, but the M&M of Captain-SeX show no mercy and
begin to tear down buildings in the zerg main. Hmm, so much
for an alliance.
Low and behold, Cptn-OfPoasAnus has two expansions,
but no real tech buildings of any kind at them. As
his main is being ripped down he concedes and the first victim of
the FFA is claimed. Since, his newly formed ally just left,
things look grim for Captain-Obvious too.
Captain-SeX is on his way back up north to his base after wiping out
Cptn-OfPoasAnus and runs right into a new purple Hatchery of
Captain-Obvious. The marines pause here on their journey home
to happily reduce the living structure to a pile of gushy, bloody,
phlegm. They then hold a sodomy party in the remnants to the
tune of "ffgay".
Captain-SeX is not done yet, either. He has 5
barracks cranking out his super-doped-up M&M, and heads a rather
large group (about 30 M&M) to go check out what Captain-STFU is
marines find a lightly defended main (all of Captain-STFU's
available brood is defending at the border war with Captain-Scrotum)
and in this main is a HIVE! Oh, there is no way that Captain-SeX
is gonna let that thing live. And so the super-dope-squad
commences the de-gaussing of the Hive.
If you notice the dead carcass to the right, it is
that of an Ultralisk. It seems as though Captain-STFU has been
very successful with his middle expansion. Though small it is,
the ultralisk-hive is located there. From the lack of comment
about it hatching and dying, I have to assume that Captain-SeX never
saw the wooly mammoth mutant.
I am not sure if it any ultralisks will save
Captain-STFU from the butt-snorfling (that's MEDIC butt-snorfling)
marine parade that is decimating his 12:00 main base. The
marines level the slime of any erect structure and proceed to the
immediate border war area. Captain-SeX loses some of his
marine force but is successful in ruining another of Captain-STFU's
bases. Captain-STFU sheds his thought on losing his second
expansion to the delight of others.
Captain-SeX tries to push on through the border and
into Captain-Scrotum land, but is denied by cannons, goons, and a
templar. The tattered remains of a marine force that took out
two zerg clusters marches back towards familar territory.
Captain-SeX finally decides it is time to
expand. His main is totally mined out. His main focus
has been on M&M, but he does have quite the terran tech
buildings all in a close formation. He expands to the north of
his main with a ready made CC and resumes resource intake.
Captain-STFU also decides to expand.
Considering he just lost his 12:00 main and his border expansion, he
expands to a single entrance drop down ledge close to inbetween
Captain-Scrotum and Variable.
Not much has been heard of in regards to
Captain-Scrotum and Variable. Both have been content to sit
back and amass as many troops as they can. Captain-Scrotum has
what the zerg would consider a horde of dragoons buffered with Dark
Templar and a few token zealots. Variable has several templar
each base and an army of Dark Templar, zealots, and goons. He
has expanded twice more.
And believe it or not, Captain-Obvious has rebuilt
his economy, added another expansion and is now commanding a very
sizable hydralisk horde.
little red dot towards the center of the map is a scouting probe
sent by Variable to check things out. The probe is very
handily dealt with by a few of the lumbering elephant looking
thingies crowding around Captain-STFU's center base. Captain-STFU
shouted curses and hopes that Variable doesn't give away his growing
pack of mutated pachyderms to the rest of the crew.
Captain-SeX was set back a little with the loss of
most of his marine force trying to press Captain-Scrotum. He
got his expansion up and running fairly quickly, but it is obvious
he was a little short in the bank. With him laying low, and
Captain-STFU not ready to strike yet, we finally have some action
from the long silenced Captain-Obvious!
of his purple hydralisks (upgraded quite nicely) begin streaming
towards the one who irritated him so much in the beginning of the
game...Variable. He has his hydra's split into to two groups
and begins to attack Variable's main from the western and southern
entrances. Unfortunately for Captain-Obvious, Variable has
placed a few DT as scouts to the entances of his bases and he sees
the incoming threat.
The groups do not attack simultaneously, and since
Variable had the advantage of seeing it coming, he was able to hold
of both attacks without sustaining much damage.
It is about this time that a giant brown line starts
to form on my mini-map. It is beginning in the center of the
map and moving east towards Captain-SeX and his blue terrans of
doom. This brown line very much resembles a big piece of poop
sliding across the screen. A little closer observation reveals
it to be a 3/2 upgraded group of ultralisks!
Captain-SeX has been playing 'catch-up' in regards
to the expansion war and the ultralisks of Captain-STFU find a naked
CC on the way over. It is razed in a matter of seconds.
Captain-SeX attempts to rally all of his troops the confines of his
main, but the sheer number of the powerful beasts (they are upgraded
here, so they are not total 4 ton sacks of shit) are more than
enough for the valiant terran commander. Captain-STFU has
waited (or survived) all game it seems just to amass his army of
ultralisks. He has them now, and they waste no time at all in
leveling the terran main.
Captain-SeX's days are numbered now, and Captain-STFU
seems pretty happy about it. One person that does not seem so
happy is Captain-Obvious. His first dual attack on red failed,
but it was not the end of the world. The zerg can hatch troops
faster than a crack whore can throw a trick for a rock.
Captain-Obvious assaults the red protoss leader once again with a
squad and a half of hydralisks.
The approach is from the south and the hydras make
it across the bridge into the Variable's main. They destroy
the left over goons and DT's (overlord support this time) and as
they begin to throw green spittle
at the protoss buildings, electric fire lights the skies and bolts
of blue thunder crackle through the vulnerable, fleshy bodies of the
zerg. There are still many hydras still attacking, and now
they want the templar responsible for killing their brethren.
The hydralisks take the shortest path to the templar, which is
through, and between the buildings. The templar on duty sees a
wonderful opportunity and storms the mobility-hindered hydralisks as
they try and move between structures.
Captain-Obvious is obviously not fairing to well in
the protoss main. And to make matters even worse, Variable has
begun a counter attcack on Captain-Obvious' upper expansion...with
a carrier fleet!
Yes, Variable was left alone for far too long.
If you notice the big pic above of the ultras killing blue (these
events were kinda happening simultaneously), you will see in the
comments a wonderful observation of Captain-Obvious. He states
his revelation somewhat profoundly:
someone kill red
While Captain-SeX was cheering on his own demise
to the large behemoths of death, Variable charges on with his fleet
of overgrown watermelons into the upper expansion of
Captain-Obvious. Variable inflicts large amounts of damage to
this expansion but is forced to pull his fleet back to the home front
to take care of the rest of the rag-tag hydras Captain-Obvious is
still sending his way.
Finally, Captain-Scrotum comes to life and sends out
his response to Captain-Obvious' request for "someone kill
red". He takes a group of 12 Dark Templar and head them
If you can't remember, or are just skipping through
to see the pics, Captain-Scrotum is in the upper right portion of
the map and Variable is to his immediate South. The only thing
west of him is the beaten down remnants of Captain-SeX, which the DT
help to hurt even further. The ultralisks and DT don't meet up
immediately, but eventually run out of terran bases to tear apart
and wind up dancing around together. Captain-SeX has saved a
lone SCV that he has erecting half-depots in every corner he can
Variable left without an immediate threat that he
can see, turns the carrier fleet on to Captain-Obvious' main
base. The fleet is backed with observers and corsair armed
with the frilly gay-web. Having sunk most of his effort at
Variable's base, Captain-Obvious is left with the hatching of
scourge to try and stop the juggernaut. The scourge do not
work very well against 8 carriers and 8 corsiar, all with the
"nicely equipped" package from the dealership.
After killing a whole bunch of blue terran, Captain-STFU
rallied the ultras back to his center base, and Captain-Scrotum put
his DT on a 'round-the-map' mission. Heh, they encountered
another Hatchery that was just put up by Captain-Obvious and proceed
to his western most expansion. Captain-Obvious is most
displeased with developments as they are and voices his opinion (see
above picture comments).
has a momentary lapse of heart and decides to leave Captain-Obvious
well enough alone. The Dark Templar make their way across the
map and run right smack into Captain-STFU at his center base.
Seizing a golden opportunity, the DT lay the smacketh-downeth upon
the Ultra Cavern (WWF was in town last night, sorry). Can you
smell what the Scrotum is cooking?
Captain-Scrotum is successful in making sure no MORE
ultras can be made, but Captain-STFU still has about 10 of
them. And I figure 10 Ultralisks in the late game are pretty
damn good, but how they fair with the carriers will be interesting
Variable still has quite a grip on
Captain-Obvious. He has not stopped the overgrown watermelon
onslaught and doesn't look to be able to. Despite
the Dark Templar leaving his western expansions alone,
Captain-Obvious has had enough and bids everyone a gentlemanly good
With no Captain-Obvious as a threat anymore,
Variable is able to turn the fleet of impending doom in the
direction of Captain-Scrotum. The air fleet on its way north
to Captain-Scrotum just barely misses the long, brown, poop-train of
10 big ugly beasts winding their way to the entrance of Variable's
main. Ultralisks are in no way threatened by carriers, but the
carriers are a long way off and Variable has committed his entire
ground force to the push north. Right about now Captain-SeX
figures he is down also and leaves about 7 half built supply depots
to the rest of the players.
the time Variable is ripping the first Captain-Scrotum expansion
apart with both air and ground, the mighty 4 ton sacks of shit
bludgeon their way into the red protoss main.
Variable is dealing some damage to Captain-Scrotum,
but is forced to pull his air fleet back to deal with the giant
tusks ripping important tech buildings apart back at home.
the carriers are on the way back to save his base, Captain-STFU
begins to laugh about having his Ultras wreaking havoc undeterred in
the protoss main. Captain-Scrotum thinks he is being laughed
at for losing his expansion so easily to Variable and sends a full
squad of Dark Templar to take out Captain-STFU's last base.
Dark Templar have shredded Captain-STFU's
defenseless center base. Luckily, one drone escaped and
morphed a hatchery in the lower left quadrant to give Captain-STFU
something to keep his ultralisks alive. What good they will do
I know not.
Well, it is amazing how much damage upgraded
ultralisks can take and dish out. It takes an abominable long
time for the carriers and templar to rid the base of ultralisks.
Only a few protoss structures remain standing in the once mighty
main and everyground troop
the protoss had in the vicinity is back on Aiur, even including some
reavers that tried to go toe to toe with the big tusky bags.
Captain-STFU did survive with 2 fleeing
Ultras. However, between random-map DT's and the carrier fleet
searching down stray stuff, the ultras are pretty much done.
One does manage to sneak back in the protoss base, but several
zealots are able to take it down.
Captain-STFU has no army now. He has one base
consisting of 1 Hatchery, 1 Spawningpool, a few drones and that's
Variable is looking for other expansions of
Captain-Scrotum and is destroying all vacant/non-occupied structures
left behind by the other players in the process.
is on the prowl for the last of Captain-STFU. As he is on his
search, he playfully asks if Captain-STFU would like to ally.
He asks this question right as he stumbles upon his last outpost and
decides to just... Well, look at the comments =)
And then there were two...
Captain-Scrotum and Variable. Both of them are
still building troops back at their mains. And both of them
still have a roving squad of destruction.
has his fleet of carriers and sairs cleaning up the left portion of
the map. And Captain-Scrotum has his group of Dark Templar out
doing the same. The carriers stumble over the remote group of
DT and with the aid of a few observers tagging along the DT are
disposed of most expediently.
Captain-Scrotum screams at the loss of his
"caped shitheads" (I forget who I saw mention this term,
insert name HERE). He gets a sense as to what is going to
happen and decides to keep his dragoon army at home in preparation.
has already pushed Captain-Scrotum earlier and decides to test the
waters again with a zealot attack force right up the gut into his
main. The zealots do not get very far as Captain-Scrotum has a
good sized army of dragoons backed with more DT and zealots of his
own. Variable doesn't even get past the bridge. But that
is good information regardless.
...the carriers are en-route.
Captain-Scrotum asks for some mercy and then begins
warping in a few Nexi and pylons. Starting in the vicinity of
where Captain-SeX once stood and making his way around the map
on the other hand has decided to flank Captain-Scrotum. He saw
the massive goon army accompanied by some corsair at the southern
entrance to Captain-Scrotum's main and has decided to circle the
carriers to come in from the western side. Variable also adds
a shuttle to his air entourage. This shuttle conveniently
drops off templar when needed (or at least for show). Corsair
that Captain-Scrotum had at the ready find out first hand what it
feels like to be put in a blender and put on puree.
Captain-Scrotum tries to fend off the inevitable,
but it is indeed inevitable. The carriers are destroying
everything in their path. Variable sends his own ground troops
up to help in the carnage. The lack of templar in his ranks
makes for a very, very painful death for Captain-Scrotum.
"There caan bee onlee wahn!!!"
Omg! The game is over? Yes it is.
Of the 5 Captains and one Variant. The Variable emerges
triumphant. Victory is his, but the Captains have damaged him
anyway. No one comes away from an encounter with the Captains
unblemished. But for the record, here are the final stats:
I was hoping for a big get together after this game
so we could all delve a little deeper in the mystique of the
Captains. But, due to large gaps of time between players being
eliminated and the game lasting an hour all of the elusive ones were
not to be found.
The chit-chat that followed was mostly spent trying
to figure out the real identities of all the Captains, Variable had
no idea. Though I did not state their alter egos, I think I
did make it quite obvious as to who was really who. Hats off
to all for such an entertaining game. I hope I was able to
capture some of the essence of it. My brain is still swimming
from all of the spamming smack talkin whores that go by
Captain. Good job Variable. And good job Captains!!!
And with that I bid you all adieux.