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"Drintr: How far are you willing to go to be named "The Rook?"
Mattzarella: I will make out with Endersshadow, but I don't think I would go to third base.
Drintr: Don't know him well enough?
Matzarella: He told me he was saving himself for Jaood."

Number One Suck
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Date: 03/19/00 04:03
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 8.6, # of Ratings: 5, Max: 10, Min: 7
Lifetime Rating for WilliamWC3: 9.0882
ahh.. this ought to be fun.
Warning: This report was written by an unusually clever monkey. There are large black stripes thrown in randomly to annoy you. Furthermore half of the report is just a copy of the ascii representation of a jpeg file and is only intelligible to Koreans. If any of the pictures actually load I will be amazed. In fact you have probably already scrolled over 15 screens just to read this bright pink text on a white and yellow blinking background because my gratuitous 45 megabyte jpeg of the 25 million shades of gray my computer is capable of making hasn't loaded yet. This report which contains three 2 hour animated gifs of various shades of paint drying and a quick time movie of blackness will more likely than not crash your entire internet service provider. You could wait it out but you'll probably die first. Consider yourself warned. Download font here.

With a name like that how could I go wrong.

With a title like that I'm not sure what needs explaining. I'll cut straight to the chase. Welcome to the 21st Invitational Number One Suck Tournament, South East Regionals, Group 3. For those of you unfamiliar with the Number One Suck it is unlike traditional tournaments. In traditional tournaments the winner advances to the next round, but like a famous cool guy once said, "Winning isn't everything, its just a good way to get women." In memory of this famous cool guy, every year contestants from around the world play for something other than winning, namely losing.

The rules of the Number One Suck are simple. Four contestants enter each round divided into two teams. The two teams play each other in a 2v2. The two players of the losing team then play each other and the loser goes on to the next round. This continues until only one loser is left or everyone just gets bored and goes home. Ok the truth is I got banned from all the other tournaments for repeatedly whispering the starcraft commissioner that he and I were both monkey boys and that there was no way out for us. Oh well.

Yes there is a starcraft game in your future.. be patient.
Well I've got the gas grill started.. It all started in the quaint little town of nohunters-ville where everyone knows everybody's name, favorite starcraft race, and sexual orientation. I was hanging out in the channel, logged on through my colorful topaz chat bot and occasionally making non-sensical remarks. It was after one such remark that HolyAnarchy noticed me and began whispering me with the intention of having me battle report one of his games. Evidently the word had not spread about last week's Australian Open disaster in which I had accidently banned both contestants before the game started, stating that they were "lagging like mofo's" and then proclaimed my fellow observer king of the world. Perhaps now would be a good chance to rebuild my credibility.

While the people in the channel debated endlessly over silly questions like what type of game we were playing and who was going to be in it, I went ahead and created on my favorite map, Octopus. Six people joined my prettly little game making me feel quite good about myself. Some wanted to be observers. Some wanted to play a massive free for all. Others were just trying to talk to Peter's girlfriend. The result was mayhem. I resisted the tempatation to start the game before anyone could figure out what was going on and then spam "WHO ON MY TEAM??" A lenghty debate ensued finally ending in a vote between a 1v1 or a ffa. Unfortunately half of the people remained undecided so we just played a 2v2. The teams ended up being HolyAnarchy and TheRuberDucky vs Jamellan and Kinslayer(tm), -Sexaholic- and I observed and all the people who were just looking for the weather channel left the game.

Yeah, um.. two larges, one pepperoni, one extra suck.

The teammates of team Extra Suck have combined for a total of 71,000 battle reports at good ole, but what of their starcraft skills? Will they be true to their name and show us a little extra today?

Look, in the sky; its a bird, its evil eye laser man, its a giant squirel with really big balls.. wait a minute what's a giant squirel with really big balls doing in the sky?  Where was I going with this...

I don't know who Kinslayer is but Jamellan is the author of several comical series including of course Evil Eye Laser Man. Their super human suck factor is undisputed but will it be enough to lose to team Extra Suck?

This map RULES!!
This is the alt text for the key to the map above... What? You think of something funny.

The map is layed out in a rather unique fashion with eight interconnected mains on the high ground, seven interconnected expansions in the south and seven interconnected expansions in the north all on low ground. There is also one lone island on each side and four "islands" in the center. Basically the map is super ridiculous and thus my reason for choosing it.

Fun Fact:

Bob_the_Octopus The octopus' arms are covered in little suction cups. Furthermore despite having eight arms it is completely unable to juggle. Thus, the octopus is the undisputed number one suck of the animal kingdom.

They'll be plenty of time for that later.

The real reason everyone wants to be in a wc3 reported game. Guys, I haven't gotten the photos developed yet, I'll post them in my next report. As the game screen appears we find all of our contestants on the eastern edge of the map with Kinslayer[SS] at 1:00, Ducky[ES] at 2:00, Jamellan[SS] at 4:00 and Holy[ES] at 5:00. Sex and I were both in the upper-left and we floated our command centers to that corner. The other players all chose to leave there starting building in place and return minerals to it, a rather popular strategy the details of which I won't get into now. Soon scouting probes, scv's and drones began wandering about the map looking for opponents, expansions and free beer. Complaints about the map began early and continued throughout the rest of the game.

Gratuitous build order picture thrown in to piss off snowsquall Kinslayer[SS] began with a fairly standard 2 gate build with fairly early cybernetics and assimilator to leave the tech option open. His teammate, Jamellan[SS] meanwhile built a single barracks, single factory and then began teching in all directions at once, adding a machine shop, academy and starport simultaneously. Ducky[ES] the other terran also went single rax but decided to go early command center which he then floated to the nearby side island expansion. After the command center he added two factories with one machine shop followed shortly by a starport. Holy[ES] forgot to cancel his extractor but decided to build two extra hatcheries in his main anyway. He sent a drone out to take an expansion but it wandered around for about a half hour without finding one. Ducky[ES] advised his teammate to power hard and go for massive air. Team SS kept quiet during this time.

While I was off clicking on kakarus to see what sounds they make sexaholic notes that there is actually a game going on and quickly draws my attention to it.

The dreaded 'shi rush' is unbeatable unless countered with 'fckum e hlp ehlep NOWM YBSAE!!' defense. Well soon after Kinslayer[SS]'s cyber finishes he tells his partner of his plans to go shuttles / reavers. Realizing that he has three zealots which will soon be obsolete he decides to dispense them in the direction of Ducky[ES]'s base. These zealots seem anything but obsolete to Ducky[ES] who at the moment has nothing but three marines a couple of factories and a floating command center. To stall for time Ducky[ES] does some intricate dances with his marines most of which involve getting them killed and lifts off half of his buildings. While proving totally inefective at killing the zealots these maneuvers do quite successfully delay the zealots in their intended rampage of his base. Finally the first vulture pops out of a factory and begins launching grenades at the zealots. The zealots pull back some but the speedy vulture gives chase and some more blows are exchanged. Finally the zealots pull all the way back to the ramp where they meet with fresh reinforcements.

What we have here is failure to communicate.. Jamellan[SS] has sent one tank, an scv and four marines to join the now lively party. Now the combined super suck forces move into Ducky[ES]'s base. Ducky[ES] has managed to make some more troops while this was going on and now has about six marines and three vultures. Team super suck now has some sort of communication failure as Jamellan[SS] sieges his tank and holds back while Kinslayer[SS]'s three zealots charge forward. The zealots manage to kill a few marines but all three of them go up in blue flame. Seeing this Jamellan[SS] unseiges his tank and moves forward. The result is nearly a draw but Ducky[ES]'s vultures ultimately prevail.

Ducky manages to micro his defending forces to victory despite his teammates contribution of continous spam.

Anyone know why vultures are called vultures?  Apart from their obvious similarity with large scavenger birds.

Ducky says he sucks.. but is he the number one suck? No sooner did Ducky[ES] hold off this attack though, than he found himself the victim of a one reaver, two zealot drop. Kinslayer[SS] dropped his deadly cargo near the refinery behind Ducky[ES]'s defences. Almost all of the scvs managed to make it to saftey and the command center lifted off leaving the reaver and zealot to attack supply depots and the refinery. The zealots shortly wandered into some bunkers and tanks and were fried but the reaver managed to take out a bunker and a supply depot from where it had been dropped. A siege tank was soon moved in range and began blasting away at the intruder. Kinslayer[SS] was unable to pick up his reaver before it exploded in a blue cloud of smoke under the artillery fire, so he retreated with his enemy shuttle having stopped mining and wreaked small amounts of havoc in the enemy base.

reason #20,756 why this map is superidiculous. As soon as the reaver threat at home was eliminated, Ducky[ES] sprang into action. He sent four vultures back behind Kinslayer[SS]'s base, which as a peculiarity of this map has a ledge within vulture range of the supply line. Kinslayer[SS] is forced to pull his supply line off of his minerals after losing several of his precious probes. He immediately sends four dragoons around to deal with the bikers. After exploding the vultures the dragoons stay behind the supply line which proves convienent as three mutalisks from the til now presumed dead, Holy[ES] soon show up with the intention of harassing the miners. Just as quickly the mutalisks leave and Kinslayer[SS]'s base becomes quiet once more.

Poor HolyAnarchy and his mentally retarded drone. While all of this is going on each player takes the oppurtunity to expand. Jamellan[SS] finishes a drop ship and lands an scv in the southern expansion just west of his main. Ducky[ES]'s command center which he built ten minutes ago finally lands in the western "island" expansion. Kinslayer[SS] drops a probe into the northern expansion just south of his main and begins warping in some trouble. Holy[ES] who sent a drone out to expand some time last week finally manages to get into the 7:00 main and starts morphing a hatchery there.

No, I don't have a good reason for making team ES spades and team SS stars.  There, are you satisfied?

..and awfully absurd alliteration.

Whoever heard of an uphill, downhill cliff seige? Jamellan[SS] who was left out of the action in the preceeding section loads up two dropships full of fun and sends them in the direction of the much harassed Ducky[ES]. Fortunately this time Ducky[ES]'s base won't have to take another beating as the dropships are cut off by three of Holy[ES]'s mutalisks. The two transports unload two tanks and eight mixed m&m units on the side island just south of Ducky[ES]'s main. The marines chase off the mutalisks and what ensues is a rather unusal battle between tanks in Ducky[ES]'s base and Jamellan[SS]'s assault force. The tanks in Ducky[ES]'s base are up a cliff from the opossing forces but they are down in the sunken temple so they still have to fire up and over a cliff's edge. The mutalisks and dropships give sight for both sides. What this means in terms of attack advantages is anyone's guess. The battle is interrupted however when the four mutalisks of Holy[ES]'s which had just been chased off find Jamellan[SS]'s undefended expansion and begin playing acid spore bowling with his scvs.

We'll continue with the game in a second but first a word from our sponsors.
Quote of the Day:

Y thank u fagnutsucker ooooooo i mean rock o and did i not tell u you need to stop bitch damn man u bitch a shit load more then a 12 year old girl or maby you are on but till i find out your still a bitch well bitch i mean rock go away damn u are one big loser u now your pissed that your not s so fuck off. Your likeone of thoughs damn bitchs u get read of and there all ways coming back know they are mad at every one jest cuase there a bitch and allways trying to fuck shit up jest fuck off Rock [damn Loser to bad he had to turn out like this he WAS KooL o well now the rocks lest another bitch].
---- SoL[s]

...and we're back.

I'm not sure what those muties just blew up but I'm pretty sure those marines are pissed about it. Jamellan[SS] loads up the assault force and brings them back to his expansion to chase off the mutalisks before they can kill all of his scvs. The medirine combined with freshly researched irradiate manages to kill off most of the mutalisks and drive away the rest.

Note to self: find out why HolyAnarchy put a curse on me.. and while I'm at it why was there a drone in this picture. No sooner is the first team super expansion secured however than another flock of Holy[ES]'s muties finds Kinslayer[SS]'s expansion. There are already three cannons in place and after killing off one of these Holy[ES]'s mutalisks retreat. As you might have noticed from the map most of the expansions are easily tankable and Ducky[ES] immediately begins to do just that. About ten marines, two tanks and a small squadron of four wraiths set up camp on the south-eastern cliff of the expansion and commence firing. Kinslayer[SS] has made the unfortunate decision to build two stargates at this expansion and both of these are quickly felled. This tanking continues throughout most of the rest of the game finally taking out the nexus about ten minutes later long after all the probes have left.

Yes sir, its all in the report.  We were standing there when, Jimmy, Joey, and Johnny all exploded spontaneosly.  Yes, I know that's unusal.. At about the same time this is happening another reaver drop is being attempted by Kinslayer[SS] at Ducky[ES]'s base. This time a couple of wraiths find the shuttle and exterminate after it drops only one reaver. The reaver manages to get off one scarab killing three marines before it is taken down by wraiths. Following this activity there is a short lull in which Ducky[ES] expands to a northern expansion on the other side of the map and Kinslayer[SS] expands to a nothern base north-west of his main.

This game is getting way too complicated.. how about if I just tell you wins now?


Scouting with a diesle powered dropship RULES! The temporary cease fire is interrupted when one of Jamellan[SS]'s wraiths flies directly across Ducky[ES]'s little encampment outside of Kinslayer[SS]'s expansion and explodes instantly. Holy[ES], who is watching his teammates units more closely than his own notes the wraith and warns Ducky[ES] creating still more confusion amongst the members of team ES. on the other side of the map another little drama is unfolding as a scouting scv is chasing a drone off on some unknown mission and is in turn being chased by a mutalisk. There are also atleast two probes and another scv off wandering around trying to understand the map.

Hey Sarah, do you know where the guys went?  Yeah, cause that big dome thing is flashing again..  I really wish someone had givven us a gun. To make up for the striking lack of action in the preceding paragraph, Jamellan[SS] loads up six marines and two medics and drops them off in Ducky[ES]'s first expansion which is currently undefended. A squadron of about six wraiths come in cloaked to deal with the threat and manage to kill three marines who are seperated from the medics before their cloak starts to wear out. With the help of comsat Jamellan[SS]'s remaining three marines kill the rest of the wraiths and continue to wreak havoc in the base. The marines then chase after some scvs the two medics next to Ducky[ES]'s command center where Ducky[ES] begins to rebuild scvs. Eventually the marines come back and finish off the command center despite the efforts of a couple more cloaked wraiths..

Yeah where the hell is white? Who picked this map anyway? To try and take some of the pressure off of Ducky[ES], Holy[ES] sends a flock of about ten mutalisks to Jamellan[SS]'s supply line at his main. Unfortunately for team ES Jamellan[SS]'s medirine and science vessels are more than a match for the muties and the muties return home which incidentally is still an unknown location to team Super. Back at Ducky[ES]'s expansion again, Ducky[ES] now brings in a dropship with two tanks along with another couple wraiths and miraculously manages to lose all of it to the three marines and two medics. Holy[ES] continues to harass Jamellan[SS]'s supply line at his main by periodically sending in flocks of mutalisks. These flocks are all either deterred to destroyed by Jamellan[SS]'s marines and science vessels. Holy[ES] also expands to the southern expansion just south of Jamellan[SS]'s main. Now seems as good a time as any to point out that though Holy[ES] expanded several times he built few drones at any of his expansions primarily using them to mine gas to fuel his large air army.


Yeah, well unfortunately not very many people do hope to suck.  Thats what makes this tournament so interesting.

Everyone take a breather. Enjoying the show so far? Good, great, wonderful. Lets take stock of where everyone is and where they are headed. Holy[ES] as you might have noticed is going all mutalisks and is now in the process of teching to guardians and devourers. His teammate Ducky[ES] after a short affair with vultures has been making mostly tanks and wraiths with some marine support. Jamellan[SS] has been building marines and medics with dropships and science vessel support and his now shifting into heavy wraith mode. Kinslayer[SS] started off going up the shuttle/reaver/observer branch of the tech tree but has since made a couple templars and has now reconstucted his stargates at his northern expansion and made a couple corsairs.

See kids, sexism doesn't pay. The first thing that happened after the intermission.. which didn't actually happen, I just threw it in because I was bored is Kinslayer[SS] attempts a drop on Ducky[ES]'s newest expansion in the western half of the map. The shuttle explodes after several hits from a defensive missile turret however, before its contents are revealed. Ducky[ES] now in an attempt to regain the expansion he lost to three marines and two medics moves about seven tanks and twelve marines to the cliff north of the expansion and begins raining fire on the troops below. Jamellan[SS] who has for some reason reinforced his original three marines and two medics with more infantry sends in about a half dozen wraiths to deal with this push.

I wish I knew what the deal with purple was..  Then I'd be a cool kid.  Oh well, atleast I know what gosu means.

Hehe, note to self: from now on only battle report games played on Octopus. Jamellan[SS] having successfully driven Ducky[ES] out of the expansion north-west of his main now begins setting up his own command center there. He also sends two dropships full of m&m and a squad of wraiths at Holy[ES]'s 7:00 expand. The expansion which is vitually undefended and only had about 5 drones at it anyway falls. Holy[ES] however has now built three more hatcheries all at southern expansions bringing his total number of bases to 5 and his current number of mining drones to 4. His teammate Ducky[ES] is also in an expanding mode taking a northern expansion on each side of the map. Kinslayer[SS] not to be left out of the expansion race takes the northern expansion south-west of his main.

The enemy has a base located below ours as you can see on the map right.. oh shit I spilled gold shit all over the map.

Someone remind me not to observe anymore games with sex. As soon as Jamellan[SS] is finished mopping up Holy[ES]'s 7:00 expand he sends his large wraith force and a couple of science vessels at the recently morphed infestation just south of his main. As fate would have it Holy[ES] has about a dozen mutalisks, four devourers and a few guardians at this expansion. Jamellan[SS] uses his science vessel to irradiate one of the mutalisks. All of the mutalisks and a few scourge charge after it. A combination of air to air missile fire from invisible fighters and the radiation manages to kill off all of the muties quickly. The twelve or so wraiths then charge in and take out the slow firing devourers easily. The guardians make a suicide run into Jamellan[SS]'s base to little effect. The expansion falls.

Ducky's wraiths accidentally killing Jamellan's expansion, tanks getting ready to seige Kinslayer's expansion and random exploding blood bag. Ducky[ES] realizing that his partner is not going to be tons of help decides to try and curtail team Super's expansion. He seiges up a couple of tanks overlooking Kinslayer[SS]'s newest expansion in easy firing range of the supply line. Also as a result of pure luck a small group of cloaked wratihs on a routine reconnaissance mission end up wreaking havoc in the expansion Jamellan[SS] recently won from him.

This battle station is fully operational -- dude you're just supposed to say 'carrier has arrived'

team 2 is pissed.. You may have noticed that Kinslayer[SS] has been awfully quiety for the last, oh seven paragraphs. Well in the WilliamWC3 book of starcraft (on sale in a store near you) when you are playing against protoss, no news is definitely bad news. Well as it turns out Kinslayer[SS] has not been idly mind controlling kakarus and getting them to fly formations over his base. Instead he has been forming an air fleet of an entirely different kind. Three carriers, four corsairs, two observers and an arbiter leave Kinslayer[SS]'s air space at his most sout-western expansion which has recently fallen under tank fire. Two exploding tanks were Ducky[ES]'s first warning of the incoming doom fleet. The carriers continued onward into Ducky[ES]'s expansion which was his only currently operational base. Ducky[ES] pulled the wraiths which were in the process of destroying Jamellan[SS]'s expansion back, but almost all of them were stasis fielded as soon as they approached the fleet. The rest died quickly to the corsairs. Dwebs were laid down and the carriers did the rest. The base fell.

Marines own devourers. Well as soon as Jamellan[SS] restored order in his expansion which had recently been ransacked by cloaked wraiths, he renewed his offensive against Holy[ES]. With science vessel and wraith support he brought two dropships full of medics and marines and dropped them in Holy[ES]'s main. Holy[ES]'s defense for some peculiar reason consisted primarily of devourers which mostly just flew around and fretted while the m&m ripped through the base. Holy[ES] warps in a few guardians out of his ass and with the help of a few scrambled hydralisks they are able to take out the medirine at heavy cost. Jamellan[SS] sends the science vessels in though and after irradiating Holy[ES]'s last guardian drops three more ships full of m&m. Holy[ES] scrambles about twelve more hydralisks but they die to the massive medarine army in much the same way small fishing crafts would die to a fleet of modern warships (really really badly).

Jamellan likes hunters, lets string him up. After these two major team Super offensives, Holy[ES] has been reduced to three developing expansions and his teammate Ducky[ES] to two developing expansions and his main. Kinslayer[SS]'s fleet now continues southward to Holy[ES]'s western most expansion where it meets little resistance. Next the fleet turns back nothwards and easily takes out Ducky[ES]'s western most expansion. To top it all off two reavers are dropped at Holy[ES]'s northern most expansion in the center of the map. At this point in time, not having a solution for either Jamellan[SS] m&m or Holy[ES]'s doom fleet, tired, confused and wanting to go home to the lost temple, team Extra Suck concedes the game showing once and for all and that they certainly do suck.

Or the first war map if you just scrolled to the end to see who won.

Jamellan and Kinslayer reserver the number 3 and number 4 suck spots leaving Holy and Ducky to battle it out over number 2.

People do still like these right.. I'm not just wasting my time.

Woohoo more gratuitous graphics!!

Well thats all very well and good but as my personal hero Evil Eye Laser Man once said right before he killed off his ill-fated alter-ego, Evil Eye Ninja Man, "There can be only one [number one suck]." Besides as ducky said, what would a wc3 br be with only one game.. besides only a minor pain in the ass to download. Anyway Jamellan and Kinslayer went off to celebrate the fact that they don't suck as much as everyone thought they did while Ducky and Holy prepared to face off. I was about to recreate on octopus when Holy said he'd make. I joined the game to find out it was on Rivalry. Damnit.


Official Suck Map:

Rivalry, also known as that other four player, jungle tile, 128 x 128 starcraft ladder map, is the site of three of my roomates losses in WC3 reports. Furthermore it is also the map people who only like to play on temple play on when they aren't playing on temple. For these reasons, and the fact that I hate it, I declare Rivalry official number one suck starcraft ladder map.

Hey.. who did I tell to remind me to not observe any more games with sex? Orange and brown.. great. Is it too late to change my background scheme.. If only it was Holoween. Snap out of it, William. Ok this br is already ridiculously long so I'm going to try and hurry it up a bit so I can sneak in under the 64K limit. I'm not going to color code names any more so just remember Holy = brown = terran and Ducky = orange = zerg. While the contestants try to figure out what race each other are I watch the build orders develop. Holy begins with a depot at his choke and then throws up a pair of barracks. Ducky forgets to cancel his extractor and whispers to me indicating that he is going for mutalisks. Hmmm.... The first bit of excitement occurs when Ducky's overlord is cleverly caught by a couple of Holy's marines and Ducky concedes the game clearly unable to compete with such cleverness.

Mutalisks own everything... well ok maybe not terran.

Wow, mutas own m&m.  I'm going to have to remember that one. While Ducky is teching to mutalisk he also takes to the time to morph a hatchery in the north-east main for increased resource gathering. Holy meanwhile builds a command center in his base and begins to float it over to the south-east main at about the same time. While the command center is still in the air though Holy decides to test Ducky's defenses at his main. He sends about eight marines and two medics to check out the ramp. He finds four zerglings which are fried quickly and a sunken just up the ramp. Ducky frantically begins to morph two more sunkens along the edge of his cliff guarding the ramp. While Holy is hitting the sunken about ten mutalisks show up and help end the terran raiding party after the loss of the one sunken.

The crowd is getting rowdy Shortly after the defeat of his medarine task force, Holy's command center arrives at the south-east main only to find a zergling waiting for it there. The command center immediately reverses direction and heads back to his main. Meanwhile, Ducky, having secured his base sends his flock of about eight mutalisk down to Holy's main where they come in from the east and enter the supply line unchallenged. A couple scvs explode before Holy's marines can get back to chase off the mutas. As the mutas are leaving the base they happen upon Holy's command center which has just gotten back from the far side of the map. The mutalisks commense firing and they manage to blow it up just before it reaches the saftey of Holy's marines.

Woohoo more pictures of mutalisks exploding scvs While this is going on an scv finds the zerg expansion begining in the north-east and manages to kill a drone before being killed by a couple of muties. Also Holy whispers me "offensive rax" which I take to mean either he is going to do an offensive rax, he is asking if he should do an offensive rax, he did an offensive rax and I missed it because I was hypnotized by the supply depots again, or he wants me to do an offensive rax because he thinks I'm on his team and that I just haven't been doing anything yet. Whichever, I ignore the comment and go back to counting doodads. At any rate Holy continues to build m&m out of three non-offensive barracks while teching to science vessels. Ducky's mutalisks come back and pull the same hit and run tactics again to about the same effect.

No, I can't really follow their conversations either. Holy now has a science vessel ready for action and he sends it into ducky's base. He loses it to a bunch of mutalisks but not before getting off an irradiate which ends up killing four mutas. Holy also masses some medarine forces outside of Ducky's main for containment purposes and sends another group to clean out ducky's north-east expansion. The medarine trounces the non-existant defending forces and manages to kill the hatchery and all of the drones. Meanwhile, Ducky has built a hatchery at the far eastern expansion. Holy attempts to build a command center at the far-western expand but a couple of mutalisks force him to cancel. Ducky attempts yet another supply line raid but this time marines are there waiting and a few mutalisks go down before the rest flee.

Everyone got it?  Good.

Fun with nuclear physics

I agree with ducky completely... Back to the medarine gathered outside of Holy's base, a couple of tanks arrive on the scene and begin pounding away at the sunkens up the cliff. Just as the sunkens were exploding though three guardians appear on the ledge and begin lobbing green shit at the tanks. Holy's science vessel irradiates one of them but the other two surrvive. Holy sends his medarine which consists of about fifteen medics and marines up the now undefended ramp. Before they can get to the top though in a replay of the scene in one of my earlier paragraphs twelve mutalisks show up and with the help of the guardians that just finished off the tanks, obliterate the strung out medarine forces.

Hey look everybody, Joey is glowing. Holy's science vessel which is still near Ducky's base goes in on a suicide mission and manages to irradiate another mutalisk before getting destroyed by Ducky's air fleet. In retaliation Ducky sends his entire air force at Holy's main. Unfortunately the mutalisks meet with a science vessel going the other way and all of them die to a single irradiate. Ouch! The guardians continue on and are soon pounding away at Holy's structures. Of the five guardians Holy is able to irradiate two of them before running out of energy. He lifts off his barracks but his medarine is simply no help agains the flying beasts. Finally another vessel gets 75 mana and irradiate is cast. The medarine make one last charge and the guardians fall though many brave soldiers died in the battle.

And this is your army on drugs..

There is a picture hear I swear.. it just won't load because your browser has already opened a few hundred megabytes of files. No sooner did Holy manage to hold of Ducky's guardians however then a stream of zerglings started running up the ramp. Having only a few marines left the zerglings began ripping through everything. Holy lifted off the rest of his bases but mutalisks and scourges soon arrived to finish them off. Holy had just finished a command center at the southern expansion but that was soon found by still more zerglings. A squad of medarine off on some mission or another happened upon Ducky's recently morphed northern expansion but the raping of it did little to change the situation as Holy's last building soon went down with a loud ka-boom.

Woohoo last alt text.

Official Number One Suck of the South-East Regionals Group 3:

Lessons Learned

  1. Octopus RULES!!
  2. Winning isn't everything.. its just better than losing.
  3. If you ask William to br you he is likely to try and make a fool of you.

Game Statistics

  • # of mutalisks which died to irradiate: millions
  • # of lost peons: 17
  • # of comments made by players or observers I didn't understand but included anyway: 26
  • # of times I set the clock back on my computer to continue using my gif animator: 0.. that would be illegal..


As in all of my battle reports I make fun of the contestants and fellow observers. As in all of my reports this is totally uncalled for. All four of the players have gosu talents which far surpass my own. Yes even Holy. Or if you prefer the Sp|nE method, THE PREVIOUS REPORT CONTAINED COMMENTS OF AN UNECCESSARILY MALICIOUS AND UNFACTUAL NATURE.

A WC3 Production

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