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"New tactic: evade, don't attack. A Canadian strategy that has worked for decades."

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Date: 02/27/00 06:02
Game Type: Starcraft
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Brittany Spears naked

Well I was going to do a report about my dog chasing a spider monky around my back yard as described by a Marxist, represented by Beethoven's fifth synohpy, represented by an asteroid colliding with Jupiter as seen through the eyes of a large toad, shown by a man trying to find his car keys as portrayed by the American Civil War as renacted by a bus running over the afore mentioned toad as told by Kevin Spacey with liberty and justice for all. However I couldn't make the title jpeg so I scratched the idea.

Jennifer Lopez naked


Well there I was in the game. The game. The battle between number one, grand champion starcraft player of the world, Silver`Thunder and some punk kid who said he was number 2. The grand championship of the world, every reporters dream. Then I got banned for spamming "KEKEKEKKEKEKEKEKE ME MONKEY BOY ;$#* YOU OUT *** NO WAY OUT FOR YOU MONKEY BOY!! KA KA KA SAL SAL HUK HUK YOU CHOBO *&() YOU RACE?? NO! YOU ZERG YOU P ME T YOU Z ME Z NO RUSH MANNER!!!" Son of a bitch. Such is life, eh..

Well if I couldn't report on the number one game of the world what could I do? What could possibly be a story deserving of my reporting talents? Could anything besides the imminent demise of and the starcraft community be such a story? No.

Brittany Spears and Jennifer Lopez, both naked
Ok, last title jpeg I swear...

Brittany Spears and Jennifer Lopez riding naked horses

Hello and welcome to Behind Enemy Lines the show where we exploit tragedy and controversy for our own advantages. Earlier this week we took a look at Mark4: The Man,. the Myth, the guy with all the heads up his ass, and Campaign 2000: Dirty Politicians and Duck Molesters. Today though we examine a far more.. uh, far reaching problem. Mucho money maps. We've all heard of this problem, but how serious is it, and what does it mean for God-fearing Temple players? Well lets look at some statistics.

  • The average "mucho money" map has about 25 million minerals.
  • In an average day 156, 000 games are created on "mucho money" maps.
  • There are currently only 250 spider monkeys alive in the Brazilian rain forest.
  • Of these appoximately 50% are female.
  • More than 99% of "mucho money" players are not currently known members of the communist party.


Before we can fully understand this problem however we must study its history. Big Game Hunters commonly reffered to as Big Gay Hunters, Big Gay-Ass Hunters and Big Gay-Ass-Stupid-Idiot-Mucho-Money-Version-One-Million-Lame-Ass Hunters, was created by an unnamed Blizzard Employee (we will refer to him as Satan) on November 31st, 1947 in one of the inner labs of the Pentagon. The map was kept top secret for nearly fifty years until its unfortunate accidental release as a map of week. This is not as uncommon as people believe; the entire Defence Department nuclear contingency plan was once accidentally submitted to a pop music forum. At any rate, the map's popularity spread at a very fast rate as predicted in the National Security Council Document 749: Big Game Hunters Contingency Planing. Attempts at containment were made but like the air borne plague which wiped out two thirds of the world's population in 1977, BGH spread too quickly and even more distressingly mutated rapidly as well. Soon there were over 17,000 variations of the map.

But why the concern today? What does this have to do with the imminent destruction of and the peace-loving starcraft community. And what if anything can save the spider monkeys and get the tomato stain off my white shirt? Perhaps this recruiting poster found by an ISNBGHPA (Internation Sececurity for non-BGH Players Agency) agent will shed some light on one or more of these questions.

Do you like playing on Mucho-Money Maps?

Are you interested in seeing the imminent demise of and the peace-loving starcraft community.

Do you trade sexual favors for power or money?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions except the last one which was added to attract your attention you may be interested in joining the International Mucho Money Map Party, IMMMP.

I think I'll let you draw your own conclusions from this. Also of interest is this trancript of an IMMMP meeting:

The floor acknowledges the honorable representative from the Girl Guild.

The Girl Guild wishes to express it concern that Newest White Hunter +++ Mucho v12.71 by Hero99 Guild and Green Hunters v54892 by the same clan are actually exact replicas of New Ice Hunters v 932,276 and Hunters +++ Mucho Money &^*&*^@# version 7 both by the respected Girl Guild.

The floor acknowledges the honorable representative from Hero99 Guild to answer these charges.

I would like to begin by saying how offended I am that the respected Girl Guild would make such charges. A close examination will cleary show drastically different critter placement on these maps with even a different number of critters in the second case. The Hero99 Guild would also like to take this time to express its concern for the growing number of non 8 player mucho money maps which have ramps and multiple levels of play in clear violation of the Mucho Money Convention of 1998...

Lets destroy MUAHAHAHAHA.

It was later noted that the last sentence was added later in pencil. Recent discoveries have furthermore shown that the IMMMP does keep transcripts of its meetings as it does not actually exist. This aside we can see a clear pattern of violence in the tendencies of these "mucho money players." Still not satisfied? Neither was I, so I logged onto under my new under cover disguise nick name, $$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]. I began at the ultimate source of information on Bnet, Blizzard Tech Support. Here is the dialogue of a conversation I had with one of the officials there.

War~Hawk: ya

$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: Is this Blizzard Tech Support?

War~Hawk: ya

$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: Would you mind if I asked you a couple of questions?

War~Hawk: no

$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: What is your feeling on the mucho money "problem."

War~Hawk then prompty left the channel. Here is the trancript of a more informative though less factual conversation.

$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: Do you know Bob Amar Hawasli?

StrawberryZ: no.

$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: He is the head CS101 TA.

StrawberryZ: oh

$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: How do I report someone using the map hack?

StrawberryZ: I don't know.

$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: What should I do when I am terran and a protoss has dark templars and I have no detection and the protoss has more money than I do and twelve carriers and all I have is one goliath and a couple of those guys that go "What do you want?"

StrawberryZ: How should I know.

$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: Isn't this blizzard tech support?

StrawberryZ: no.

Son of a bitch. I had accidentally stopped chatting on and started talking to Peter's girlfriend on AOL instant messenger again. Well striking out in Tech Support I decided to head over to the second best souce of information on Bnet, channel nohunters. The names have been changed to protect the stupid. The words have been changed because I was too lazy to screen shot everything.

NHer#1: gg

NHer#5: 2v2 anyone?

$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: What do you guys think about the growing number of people playing on Mucho Money Maps?

NHer#2: that sucked

*NHer#5 and NHer#6 looking for a 2v2*

NHer#1: yeah zealots suck.

NHer#3: yeah never build zealots


NHer#8: !ban NHer#7

NHBOT#1: NHer#8 banned NHer#7

NHer#4: HA you built zealots.

NHBOT#2: NHer#8 banned NHer#7

NHBOT#3: NHer#8 banned NHer#7

NHer#3: except if they are 2 / 3 / 1

NHer#9: Mark4!!!

NHer#3: then they beat everything

*NHer#9 sticks head up Mark4's ass*

NHer#1: except archons

*NHer#5 and NHer#6 looking for a 2v2*

NHer#4: archons suck

NHBOT#4: NHer#8 banned NHer#7

NHer#8: !ban NHer#9

NHer#3: archons rule, you suck

NHer#8: !ban NHer#5

NHer#6: Why did you ban NHer#5

NHer#8: !ban NHer#6

$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: Is anyone concerned with the state of with regards to hunters maps?

NHer#8: !ban $$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]:

Well so much for nohunters. If I am going to find any real information it looks like I am going to have to go deep into the heart of enemy teritory. I take my investigation to channel Hunters. Here is a brief excerpt of the transcript from that channel.

[Hunters]+@#$Zealot: -ݗ

[Hunters]+:::Goon++: ݗ ݚ

$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: Does the Hunters clan have any plans for the imminent destruction of

[Hunters]+@#$Zealot: ̈ŕҿ­

[Hunters]+:::Goon++: -

[Hunters]+@#$Zealot: ҿ-- ݚ- -Ⱦ ݚ --

$$Mu$hO$$$+^^^[BGH]: I'll repeat the question. Does the Hunters clan have any plans for the imminent destruction of

[Hunters]+:::Goon++: -

[Hunters]+:::Goon++: -

Well there you have it. Still how can we judge these mucho money lovers until we have seen them play. Plus I think Mark4 will ban me if I don't find a way to relate this to a game pretty soon. So with out further ado, adah or even ado-dah, I present you with the report within the report, 4:4 --.

Jennifer Lopez and an oscillating ruler both naked

6:26 AM. Restate my assumptions. One. There are numbers everwhere in nature. Two. BGH players suck!! Press return. I join the first game on the list, 4:4 -- and find it fills up quickly. The map is some version of New Ice Hunters which I don't think I have anymore but is pretty much like all the other versions of New Ice Hunters (differences in the numbers and location of critters aside). I will leave all the players anonymous until the end to make it more exciting (yeah whatever).

Move the mouse over things but for God's sake don't click anything.
Jennifer Anisten naked

So anyway, everyone picks a race with four protoss on and three zergs and a 'toss on . And the game is underway. Things start out slow as is typical in these games with about half the players opting to build "base defense" before any sort of offensive unit. Green made the first move by sending a couple of zealots across the map to Orange. Orange was following a standard mucho money 3-gate build which involves building a forge and six cannons before any zealots. Unfortunately the cannons weren't finished yet and the zealot was able to do appreciable damage until some finally started popping out. Green who was going straight for dragoons soon had about a half dozen of the spider-legged creatures and sent them over to continue harassing Orange. However, by The entire cast of Friends, naked now Orange had about six cannons immediately behind his gateways and a couple of zealots out. Although Green's dragoons were able to easily handle the zealots, they did not yet have the range upgrade and the gateway cannon configuration proved problematic for them.

Strategy: Cannons
Note, it is a popular misconception that cannons are some how "bad." I have been playing on mucho money maps for quite some time now and I find that this is blatantly false. Cannons are your friend. Yes, it is true that you can have "too much of a good thing" but generally speaking the more the merrier. I like to use between 12-16 at my choke and then surround the edges of my base to defend against drops.

Then entire cast, of Friends, Seinfield, Frasier and ER and an oscillating ruler all fully clothed except for the oscillating ruler Green continues to send dragoons at Orange and now Purple also contributes to the mayhem at Orange's base by sending hydralisks in that direction. The final blow, however, comes from the third member of the team, Red who has teched straight to lurkers and dropped them behind Orange's supply line signifying the first non-manner move of the game. On this particular map because the supply line wraps all the way around your nexus and then extends in all directions, it is nearly impossible to build static defense there without interfering with mining. Of course that is supposing that it would have occured to Orange to do so. Anyway, as the three members of raze the base, Orange escapes with a probe and rebuilds in Yellow's northern main.

Mark4 naked

Mark4 and the entire staff, naked You might have noticed that the other three members of had been awfully quite during all of this. Would they now lash out in revenge? No. All three continue to build base defense. Meanwhile thinking victory is close at hand decides to stay on the offensive. There new target is Yellow, who having finished covering his own base with cannons has decided to push his huge cannon fleet out into the center of the map. Red, Purple and Brown all send hydralisks against the cannon armada (although Brown who teched to hive on eight drones only has about sx hydras). The initial waves get flattened almost before getting in firing range but gradually the cannons begin to explode. Finally hydralisks overrun Yellow and Orange's attempt at rebuilding. Yellow flees to the saftey of Blue's main while Orange flees for the second time, this game this time to Teal.

The entire staff and Jennifer Lopez, naked

Now a long period of time goes by where not much happens. Red, Purple and Brown continue to mass produce hydralisks with Red producing by far the most and Brown producing by far the least. All of the hydralisks are now directed at Blue who manages to hold them off indefinitely with a solid templar - cannon defense. While holding these attacks off Blue is also slowly massing carriers. Teal has meanwhile built several dark templars along with some other miscellaneous protoss tech units. Yellow has contented himself to building cannons at the choke of Blue's base to help hold off the hydralisk attacks there. Orange attempts to regain his old main but loses three gateways and six pylons to one of Green's dark templars. Green meanwhile takes the west base for himself using it to begin developing the zerg he mind controlled from Brown. Green also builds large quantities of 3/3 dragoons and gets some other forms of tech.

Strategy: High Templars
High templars are one of the most powerful units in starcraft. Good players can use them to hold off any attack. Unfortunately since they invovle pressing a button before clicking on the map they are generally speaking too difficult to use and impractical. Why use templars when you can get the same effect by adding fifteen more cannons?

The entire staff, Jennifer Lopez, Bill Clinton, Al Gore and the commanding general in Kosovo all fully clothed except Whoop After a couple hours in which the situation described in the preceding paragraphs does not change, Blue finally has about 14 carriers and an arbiter. He sends this fleet westward to the nearby Purple main. Purple who has been continually sending everything he had at Blue's choke is completely overwhelmed and dies quickly. And then there were seven. While Red and Brown continue to send hydralisks at Blue, Teal decides to get involved in the game with a combined cannon creep / dark templar drop against Green's main. Green loses a nexus and some probes before a combination of reavers and observers can finally put an end to the advance.

Strategy: Dark Templars
Dark Templars are one of the strongest units in the game this is because other units cannot see them. This is why I always go protoss cause then I build dark templars and no one can see them. Sometimes people can see them but that is because they hack.

Xds'grrrr winning the grand master championship of the world, naked

Now that Blue is only being bombarded by two players, he feels confident enough to send his fleet deep into enemy teritory to attack the north-east Brown base. Red tries to send some help but the hydralisks cannot get within range of the carriers before they are flattened by the hundreds of interceptors, so he changes strategies and sends his hydras at Teal's main. Green now has the supply limit in dragoons and half the supply limit in hydralisks and yet curioulsy does not lift a finger in this battle. Brown builds a couple of scourages but is powerless to stop the huge protoss fleet. He tries to "pull an orange" and escape to Red's base; however, Blue follows the drone and sacrificing the entire fleet to Red's new devourer scourge amry, manages to destroy the morphing hatchery just as the last carrier pops. And then there were six. Meanwhile in the south-east Red's hydralisks rip through Teal's main, but he manages to escape with a probe to the south-west which is already being occupied by expansions of the other three members of . Also during the madness, Blue managed to mind conrtol zerg from Green's western base. A temporary cease fire is called to take stock of things.

Strategy: Carriers
Carriers are the most advanced strategy in starcraft. They take a lot of things to build. I forget what now but I built one once. It was cool. Once someone gets carriers it is basically over because nothing can beat carriers except maby nukes. I'm not sure. Terrans are dumb anyway. Never play terran. If I get terran I leave the game because they suck because I once lost like fifty marines to one zealot. It sucked. Terrans suck.

Half of nohunters the entire Washington University Campus Police Department, and a couple of mexican exchange students, partially naked

A close up of an oscillating ruler

The player advantage was now 4 to 2 in favor of , however all four players were crammed into two bases whereas the two surviving members of controlled three bases and had easy access to the other three. Peace talks commenced. Yellow made it clear that he wanted to ally. Teal who only had one pylon and a few cannons left was also interested in diplomacy, and Red who's teammate hadn't moved in quite some time seemed amicable to the idea. Blue, however who was getting more than a little tired of Yellow's cannon madness which was blocking his troops from exiting his own base didn't want to hear it and promptly dis-allied with the cannon machine. It took Yellow a while to figure out what was going on but when he did madness ensued. Cannons fighting cannons; the protoss encampment erupted in photon balls being tossed throughout it. Blue, anticipating the coming battle and having the advantage of disallying first was the clear winner. At the same time, Red who couldn't see any of this, growing tired of waiting on for an answer and assuming the situation hopless left the game. And then there were four. Teal was absolutely furious at this turn of events but having only one pylon and a couple of cannons at the perimiter of the South-West he was quickly silenced by a couple of control groups of hydralisks from the til then dormant Green.

Now Orange, sensing that the south-west is not the safest place in the world and noticing a high propensity for all the troops he built there to be immediatly mind controlled by Blue, took a probe and a drone which he mind controlled from Blue to the long-abandoned northern main. Blue and Green both who had the supply limit in both protoss and zerg troops eyed each other suppiciously as the third player gradually rebuilt in the north. When Orange had about twelve reavers he sent them at Green's western main but were unfortunately intercepted by a single scout. Orange then built up about twenty-four guardians and twenty-four devourers and sent these at Green's eastern main. Unfortunately these troops met up with about five or six templars which obliterated them in repeated storms. Things continued like this for several hours with Orange getting increasingly confused at why Blue wasn't doing anything with his large army, asking "me out?" and "18?"

A couple of random people hanging out and playing chess, naked

Finally sick of the charade Green and Blue charge the confused korean with everything and he is quickly subdued. And then there were two. Of course the game promptly ended at this time because the two remaining players had been allied with shared vision the entire time. They were none other than myself( Green) and Silver`Thunder( Blue), grand master champion of the world who had just finished kicking that #2 punk's ass with a mass medic / optical flare strategy I taught him. As for Orange, he will forever be remembered as the orange guy. Wherever you are orange guy, I salute you.

My big collage of people from around the world with different ideas and beliefs and feelings all living in peace and harmony (oh yeah they're also all naked)

So I think if we learned nothing else from this battle report we learned one thing for sure. Destruction of is IMMINENT!

Lesson's Learned

  1. Destruction of is IMMINENT!
  2. Mucho Money Map's are a threat to our way of life
  3. Spider monkeys are in danger... SAVE THEM!

Game Statistics

  1. # of hours: 51
  2. # of drones produced by brown: 12
  3. # of times the game told me I couldn't build something because there were too many units / buildings already on the board: 3,541
  4. # of confused koreans: 6

Special Thanks

Special thanks go out to the ISNBGHPA for providing the propaga.. er materials and to the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.


I made it all up, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sory, I don't know where that came from. Seriously I stole from, plaigerized misrepresented, abused and slandered everyone I know in this report. Try and sue me I dare you!

Disclaimer to the Disclaimer

I'm on medication. Please don't hurt me.

A WC3 Production

Author's Note

I know, the format is nothing like anything I've done before. Just trying something new let me know if you hate it. Oh yeah and if you don't comment then I'm never talking to you again so there!

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