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A TaKtIkS Bashing Battle or Why Protoss = I Ban
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Date: 12/06/99 04:12
Game Type: Starcraft
Labels:Image Heavy(1), Famous Reporter(1), Starcraft(1), Gorgeous(1), Long(1), Funny(1)
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Report Rating: 9.2, # of Ratings: 5, Max: 10, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for WilliamWC3: 9.0882

Warning: This battle report contains a large number of pictures. This is inteneded to allow people with a cable modem or t1 connection to stare at the pretty eye candy rather than going through the mentally strenuous task of reading. Therefore members of the inferior subspecies know as utilus modemus will have to sit on their asses and wait. Thankyou for your patience and have a nice day.

...or Will really needs to get a life.

no, I can't just use header tags.  gradients are cool

Well this pleasant little battle report starts in channel nohunters where many fine battle reports are born. I was sitting at my computer, staring blankly at the screen as I often do when I noticed something interesting. Apparently several of the channel idiots (presumably inspired by the recent formation of the duckyissucky clan and the long standing tradition of bob_the_fruits and jim_the_trucks) had gotten together and registered several loggins mocking aP_TaKtIkS. What he did to deserve this mocking I'm not sure but I assume it has something to do with capitalizing Math.random() letters of his name just to piss off br writers.
So now I notice that someone has gone as far getting the loggin IHATE_Taktiks. Wow, what a goofball. It wasn't until a few minutes later that I realised this goofball was actually my roomate who was sitting quietly at his computer not 6 feet away while I was rambling on about how rediculous the channel had gotten. Well, those of you who know the channel know that there are more than enough channel idiots to go around, and soon a second group of idiots was apparently quite confused with the new loggins of the first, while the first quickly became confused with the confusion of the second. Now I'm confused.
Anyway this lead to several meaningless arguments and somehow out of all this a challenge emerged. gayP_Taktiks who as it turns out is actually Iced-Tree challenged IHATE_Taktiks, my roommate, JPaikman, Obiwanjebroni, Jose the Mexican exchange student and bullshitter extraordinaire to a fight to the death. Well actually just a starcraft game.

yeah, just like football

So I go to channel Ruby to check out the scene. Once there I find our two contestants. Lets take a moment to meet them. JPaikman is quite possibly best known for losing to Zileas in one of my earlier reports. He is a solid player who usually randoms and is also the roomate of the famous report writer WilliamWC3. yes you certainly are proud of it What? Iced-Tree has lost several reported free for alls, usually plays 'toss and is very proud of the fact that he beat Zileas twice.

In the channel I also see LionLord who will be observing this game with me. LionLord appeared in one of my earlier reports as the evil Bill Gates and played in a 2v2 with me earlier that day against bob_the_newt and BB-chargon in which we got schooled badly. He asked if it would be ok if he commented to me during the game, and I said sure but that I might not respond if I was busy taking screen shots. I would soon find out that he could carry on quite a monologue with or without my input.

Since I don't use colored names because I think its ugly let me help you remember who all the players are. Iced-Tree is the evil protoss player who will play like a bitch and generally be evil. JPaikman is the non-protoss hero of the game who will fight for the glory of non-toss players everywhere. He will also bullshit his ass off as he is quite prone to doing. LionLord is the other observer. He will keep a continuous stream of comments flowing that will get in the way of my pretty pictures. WilliamWC3 (smurfing as sol999 smurfing as Fear`Factory) will appear to be more clever than everyone else because he is writing this report.

I create (so I wouldn't have to beg anyone not to ban me) on ISL_The Lost Temple because I think dark temple looks ugly in reports. I think ISL stands for international sparring league or something like that. As the game begins fate lands JPaikman as a zerg cerebrate at 9:00 and the protoss executor Iced-Tree finds himself at the nearby 6:00 base.

and for those of you who didn't read the last paragraph, look at the pretty picture.

Two pages into the report, the game begins.

warning, expert level strategy

The protoss executor though I don't realize it at first, because I am an idiot, chooses an early expand build order. He builds one gateway, then a pylon and then a second pylon. Meanwhile JPaikman's overlord quickly finds the protoss base and the cerebrate decides to brew up some trouble for the arrogant 'toss. After the drone count reaches 6, drone production ceases. Soon one of the drones is pulled off to sacrafice his body for the overmind (yes the overmind is not dead; its being held by the CIA in New Mexico). The 6-pool has begun.

and stay out A few minutes later zerglings are hatched and they tear off in the direction of the protoss. A probe sent to scout the zerg base notes the 6 little monsters and transmits a distress signal back to 'toss encampment. As the zerglings come up the ramp they are greeted by one zealot and a good portion of the supply line. The zerglings quickly turn tail and run. The probes give chase all the way to the ramp before they return to mine. However they don't even make it back before the zerglings have returned. The probes turn around and the zerglings do likewise saying "This time we really mean it, we're going back to the hatchery now."

too bad the protoss don't have malt liquor But as soon as the probes begin mining the zerglings are back and pounding at the gateway. The probes are pulled off the minerals once more. This time though one probe gets there a little too early and is sliced up. Ahh finaly, bloodshed. Or atleast silicon-shed. A third zealot pops out and two of the zealots chase the zerglings out of the base. All six of the zerglings make it back to the base alive but no doubt wondering if their mission was successful. Well maybe the zerglings aren't wondering but I'm sure JPaikman is.

I'll bet those probes sure feal tough Now I take the time to check out each players situation. Iced-Tree, fearing a sustained 'ling rush has delayed his early expansion a bit and built a second gateway. He has no form of tech and keeps making zealots. When the executor has 5 zealots, they move out to the natural along with 4 probes which are sent not to mine but to help guard against more 'lings while the expansion is brought online. Our valiant zerg cerebrate has in the mean time made a quick recovery from his 6-pool. A second hatchery is being built at the base and gas is already being retrieved. Soon I see an upgrading base and a hatchery being constructed at the natural as well.


As I watch the zerg base I see that the lair upgrade has finished but no hydralisk den is in sight. Now if my fellow observer was playing this would most likely imply a queen rush, but unfortunately for those of you that enjoy the non-sensical my roomate was going for the more standard mutalisk rush. I check Iced-Tree's base and see no cybernetics and only two cannons constucted at the choke to the natural clearly with zerglings and not mutalisks in mind.

Spires are not however known for their exceptionally short build time, and as the spire finishes a cybernetics core is also near completion and a cannon at the nexus is begun. Just as three mutalisks are hatching at JPaikman's main five zealots 20 bonus points for me stroll into his undefended natural. After the zealots finish the hatchery they pull back to base. Meanwhile the 3 mutalisks discover the one cannon just before it finishes warping in and are able to destroy it with only one loss. Another mutalisk comes in to reinforce followed shortly by two more. The probes immediately evacuate to the expansion and the mutalisks go to town on the nexus.

pesky zealots A couple of dragoons pop out of the gateways and begin a sort of odd dance with the mutalisk to the intense enjoyment of LionLord. This dance does more to distract the mutalisks than anything else but the nexus' hit points are getting dangerously low. Iced-Tree now decides to send his five zealots from the earlier attack along with three new ones into JPaikman's main. After deterring another expansion attempt they move up the ramp and into the base. Here they encounter a few zerglings, one sunken and one mutalisk. The zealots take losses but it is clear that they will be able to do a lot of damage before they are eliminated, so JPaikman pulls his mutalisks back to deal with the threat.

everyone maynard the other way now This gives Iced enough time to get five goons and when the mutalisks come back they find themselves unable to do any further damage. The probes are immediately transferred back in the famous reverse Maynard transfer. Iced has also now constucted a citadel and an archives at his natural. He claims he did this to be sneaky but I just assumed it was because he didn't have control over his main at the time. JPaikman uses this short lull in the action to finally secure his natural.

aka psionic storm sons of bitches

if I see one more dragoon dance I think I will vomit Now Paikman has gathered a group of zerglings outside of Iced's natural. He is just about to send these into the natural when several zealots and dragoons encounter the force as they try to leave their base. The troops are pulled back after getting in a few hits reminding me of the earlier dragoon dance. Realizing that most of Iced's dragoons were at his natural Paikman holds his zerglings back and sends his mutalisks straight for the burning nexus at the main. They find only one cannon for defence and are able to "take out the base" and get out before the dragoons can get back. A nexus is immediately began where the old one stood and Iced's probes are all transfered once again to the natural.

Iced has by now put his archives to good use and has several high templars stationed at his expansion for defence. These templars will come in very handy as the mutalisks who killed the nexus in an effort to take advantage of their mobility, regroup with the zerglings and charge the expansion. Things are looking good for the cerebrate until a psionic storm cuts the zerg's numbers drastically. The remaining troops are easily dispatched by the zealots dragoons and cannons defending the expansion.
I don't know why I even bother writing

- 41 bonus points for Iced

Its a good thing LionLord is watching this game As soon as that battle is over, Iced sends all of his troops out of his base and gathers outside of JPaikman's natural. Several zealots, dragoons and two templars charge into the base. A sunken is torn down and one psionic storm is gotten off killing several zerglings and a few mutalisks before the protoss warriors retreat. Zerglings manage to exact revenge on one of the slow high templars before Paikman pulls them back to the base. Now the protoss forces outside the base are reinforced by more of their kind including an archon.

Ok, back on high ground. Iced-Tree psionic storms the front of a group of zerglings killing many of them and then moves all of his troops into the JPaikman's natural. In the mean time JPaikman is scouting the map with some scourge and has built a hatchery at the 12:00 main. Iced-Tree also busy on the expanding front has began a nexus at his mineral only natural.

Sure you've seen pictures of zealots attacking hatcheries, but have you seen a picture of a zealot attacking a hatchery singing? Back to the action, the archon with zealot, dragoon and templar support is mowing down everything JPaikman can throw at it. The hatchery at the natural falls as the drones scurry back to the main. Iced merges his two templars into another archon and waits in JPaikmans natural. To make matters worse a scouting zealot has found the hatchery at 12:00 and is merrily hacking away at it.

attack the base

JPaikman scrambles 4 zerglings at 12:00 but two dragoons show up and the expansion falls. Paikman is now down to zero expansions and to add insult to injury Iced-Tree expands to the 3:00 natural giving him 3 active mining sites. A couple of groups of zerglings presumable excited over their new adrenal upgrade charge the forces in JPaikmans natural. Unfortunately two archons await them and they are fried without doing any damage. LionLord is excited to note that both archons now have kills in the high teens.


oh the suspense

more bonus points for me The protoss troops now move up the ramp and into the base to finish JPaikman off. However a fresh group of zerglings charge them and the goons retreat. The archons are surrounded and burst like the big soap bubbles that they are. More protoss troops soon arrive on the scene though and several dragoon dances later there is no more zerg forces left to stop the evil protoss from raping the base. As the spawning pool is being taken out the players discuss the strategies used in the game. With my lightening reflexes I managed to get a screenshot of this discussion.

I'm pretty sure all three are talking about something completely different

yes, stare at the pretty picture

Wait a minute Will. Thats not right. Protoss can't win. Protoss is evil, you said so yourself. You're reading it wrong. Stop reading it wrong.

Calm down now kiddies. I didn't say it was over. (if you've been paying attention to your scroll bars you'd know it wasn't over either) We still have the rematch to watch. Yeah!!

More Action, More Violence, MORE NUDE PICTURES!!
After a rather long discussion about whether or not the early expand strategy which my roomate insists on calling "the beat down" is beatable, and if so by what, a rematch is agreed to. A short discussion of which map ensues. Iced-Tree claims that he is best on temple. I plead with our contestants not to play another temple game and eventualy temple's alter-ego rivalry is picked.

Well it did succeed in confusing JPaikman I create on the map rivalry + 4 observers which I downloaded during my last battle report. This map has weird names for the team slots which confuses some and amuses LionLord which I have come to realize is not difficult to do. Fortunately since -Tool- is not in this game there is no confusion. Unfortunately, Iced-Tree, in an effort to show off his micro skills switches to the observers slot right before the game starts and then switches back just in time (presumably in an attempt to confuse JPaikman and cause him to leave the game). Of course what he didn't count on was that in the process of the switch the computer set his race from protoss back to random. The game starts and Iced-Tree finds himself as terran. Any hope that he would play the game as terran quickly fades as his scv's remain idle and he begins to whine for a recreate.

and that makes me wonder about you LionLord The second attempt went of without a hitch, though not without a joke from lionlord which I was unfortunately unable to screen capture. JPaikman our noble non-toss hero randoms to terran in the upper-left starting location. Iced-Tree shows up as (surprise, surprise) protoss in the opposite bottom-right corner of the map and is quickly upset by the sexual orientation of his probe.

2 games, 2 cool map location jpegs.  lucky you

JPaikmans early build begins with a depot at the choke followed by a barracks there as well to begin the wall-in. Meanwhile Iced-Tree is following the build he intended to in the last game before it got interrupted by a six pool. He builds one pylon, one gateway, a second pylon, a forge and then a nexus at the natural (or something similar to this). Iced's probe finds Paikmans base before the wallin is finished but chooses to go between the depot and rax anyway just to mock it. The probe makes it out again with its circuitry in tact despite you mean R2D2?  I'll keep that in mind JPaikmans best efforts to stop it while LionLord gives me some advice.

this one's for Joey Paikman's scv meanwhile encounters the protoss base just in time to see the beginning of the nexus at the natural. The scv, oh what the hell, Deon, is not quite as lucky as our squat little robot friend, however and a zealot terminates his life scoring first blood for the 'toss this game.

Now what will our hero do in response to this greedy protoss bastard? Will he heavy metal, or will he deep six. Will he tank push? Only time and more scrolling will tell. While my fellow observer and I wait he asks me about imbalance. I tell him that a few terran fanatics aside most people think protoss beats terran. I now check Paikmans no but who else is going to say cool stuff like 'fire it up' base. He has added a second barracks and an academy and has accumulated a fair amount of infantry including a large number of firebats. He has also finished a factory and an scv is busy constructing a starport. You're not thinking what I'm thinking...

Can I take your order?  Yes, 7 zealots extra crispy please.

When JPaikman's stargate finished a control tower is added. Then out pops a dropship. I watch in amazement as seven firebats and one medic board the ship. I can't beleive it; we are actually going to see it: the seven firebat, one medic drop. The dropship heads off in the direction of Iced's main. Unfortunately it is seen almost immediately by a zealot scouting his natural. JPaikman notices the zealot but decides to push onward anyway. The dropship unloads its contents in the south-west corner of Iced's main but can't blame a man for trying is quickly greeted by a couple dragoons and several zealots. Combined with a well place cannon the 'toss forces quickly overwhelm the firebats.

Now a word on the 7 firebat, 1 medic drop. I first learned of this maneuver when it was tried on me in a 2v2 game on Temple. Even though it was completely unsuccessful I was so impressed by it that I decided to do one my self in a free for all. This was also completely unsuccessful. The idea of the drop is simple. It is a sort of terran reaver drop designed to take out a supply line fast. One of the major problems with it yet to be worked out is that firebats short range makes them vulernable to even light cannon defence. I have still yet to see a successful example of this strategy but I wait patiently. Though the attack was a complete failure JPaikman is awared 120 bonus points for attempting the strategy.

Now JPaikman realising that he is out expanded and has yet to kill anything decides he needs to do something drastic. As Iced is warping in yet another nexus, this time at the 6:00 expansion, all of JPaikmans troops leave his main and begin heading southward throught the center of the map. These troops consist of 4 tanks about 14 marines and a vulture. Just as the infantry is crossing the bridge into the 7:30 natural the entire protoss army is sent eastward through the center where it successfully manages to divide the terran force in two. The battle that ensues is way too complicated to explain without pictures.

ok basically terran lost.

Well as you can tell by the picture, or atleast the alt text of the picture the terran army is destroyed. Only the four marines make it back to the base to tell the gruesome tale. JPaikman is difficult to discourage though and he immediately sends an scv to the 1:30 starting location to build a command center. Unfortunately our hero's luck has not changed and a scouting zealot finds the scv before the center can even yup be finished. To make matters worse Iced has expanded again, this time to the 7:30 main bringing his total number of expansions to three.

Obviously, Iced is using the 'plasma beacon hack' Even more disturbing Iced has constructed the building pictured at left. Surely this spells certain doom for our terran hero. He has taken his natural and set up several tanks around it but he is being greatly out rescourced by the evil protoss. Does JPaikman have a plan for winning this game? Does he have a card up his sleeve that will bring down the empire? Or is he just wasting our time?

I love dead dragoons, but then again who doesn't? Several dragoons attempt to attack the natural but the bridge causes the dragoons to bullshit even more than dragoons normally bullshit. The result is several pools of blue goo. Obviously whoever put the bridges on this map liked long games. Paikman attempts to expand again, this time to the 12:00 expansion, but that damn zealot finds it again. The result is a cool screen shot but little else.
plus 44 bonus points for me

you're certainly not going to make any friends that way, Iced.

Now Iced has several corsairs full of energy. He sends them along with some dragoons and templars to JPaikmans natural. The corsairs disruption web the entire base while the templars psionic storm tanks and scv's. As most of Iced's goons are under his own disruption web the battle proceeds with all the fury of an ensnared reaver. One firebat manages to find the one square inch of un-dwebed map and starts chasing a templar around in it. When the dwebs finally clear whats left of JPaikmans supply line takes out the last dragoon.

The game proceeds on with a series of similar attacks. JPaikman expands at 12:00 but it soon falls to dweb, dragoons and templars. Iced-Tree expands to the 9:00 expansion. JPaikmans interesting attacks during this period consist of a four vulture drop on the 7:30 expansion and a 12 vulture assault on the 6:00 base. Both are ended by the arrival of a few dragoons. JPaikman still continues to micromanage his troops admirably but the defences at his natural and then his main fall to the cursed protoss. The three scvs mining gas at the main are disruption webbed and then stormed before the last terran structure is torn down. Yes, evil wins. In the words of my favorite Mel Brooks flic, "Now you see that evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb."

-2,364 bonus points for Iced-Tree

After the game there was talk of more playing. However, after we discussed whether Mark4 can really own the saying "Never say die," Iced-Tree went off to read ducky's latest battle report and I gave in to temptation and went to sleep. Evidently my friend Sol999 / Silver`Thunder and my roomate did play him again and were still unable to beat him. Iced-Tree's early expand strategy seems to be quite effective so if you play him my advice to you is: rush the fucki** shit out of him.

wow, 2 minimap gifs too

Lessons Learned

1. Never play with Iced-Tree

2. Building archons and corsairs may win you the game but it won't get you any bonus points.

3. You can do an entire battle report on a dirt background but its a pain in the ass.

Game Statics

# of dragoon dances: 27

# of 7 firebat 1 medic drops: 1

# of net bonus points for LionLord: +17.5


I make fun of the people in this report purely for personal gain and the enjoyment of the people reading it. They did nothing to deserve this mocking and should probably kick my ass.

A WC3 production

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