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Humans Vs Smurfs (Horrendous amounts of Pics; best under IE4+)
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Date: 11/16/99 03:11
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 9.0, # of Ratings: 2, Max: 9, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for WilliamWC3: 9.0882

What, are you waiting for the meaning of life to pop up? Go find something worthwhile to do with your time.
So this battle report got its beginnings just like all my other battle reports; with me seeing someone type join game someting/something and taking that comment to be directed at me quickly hitting alt+j and joining the private game. After joining I quickly typed "me Monkey Boy, me watchy, me chobo, me good manner man...", an argument which few can resist, and I was granted the priveldge of watching the game. As it turns out this was a 2v2 on rivalry pitting a couple of smurfs whose real names I still don't know, against everyones favorite site administrator Johnny_Vegas and UpgradedKakaru. Since my two previous attempts at finding a br worthy game were of Johnny_Vegas' terran getting abused by another terran, I sincerely hoped that Vegas would put on a better show this time.

After -Tool-'s(another observer) traditional pre-game confusion, everyone raced up and the game was started. Team Smurf opted to go with the evil alien protoss race while Vegas and Kakaru (henceforth called Team Human) both chose the honorable terrans.

Any resemblance to any of the players of this game is completely accidental.
The story behind this game is actually quite simple. The smurfs, having been screwed over in contract after contract with all the major networks, have decided to fight back. The smurfs have stolen one of Gargamel's potions and have turned themselves into giant 10 foot tall blue fighting machines. Kakaru and Vegas have been hired to quell this smurf uprising. But the pissed off smurfs have no intention of being put down easily.

Thats just what they'd be expecting us to do... As the game begins, Team Human finds themselves in the two bottom starting locations on Rivalry with Vegas on the left and Kakaru on the right. Meanwhile on the northern half of the map, Team Smurf splits up; $peedy taking the left side with Papa on the right. Vegas begins the game by informing his teammate of his plan to "wall his ass in." Kakaru asks if this means he intends to follow a heavy metal strategy, but Vegas replies, I don't think anyone consulted the scv. no. Both terran commanders scout early and see their protoss oposition using a standard 2-gate build order. Kakaru asks that Johnny leave his scv in $peedy's base and Johnny agrees.

And the zealots found it very offensive.

So now our friend, the little lost scv is hanging out in the protoss base far from home and quite lonely and bored. Having nothing better to do and not feeling too secure, he begins to scrap together a bunker just out of rifle range from the protoss assimilator. As it would so happen 6 marines and another scv are already headed to the 'toss encampment and upon their arrival our scv friend is given a medal for his quick thinking and initiative. 4 of the marines hop in the bunker while another goes over to the assimilator and takes a shot at it to see if anyones home.

As it turns out there are 6 zealots home who are none too pleased with their assimilator being shot at. The zealots charge the bunker killing everything outside of it first and then finishing off the bunker itself. The marines try to reason with the zealots but the angry smurfs will not be appeased. They quickly finish off the marines with out loss, and just like that, the offensive bunker is over. The scv's medal is taken off his dead body and a government coverup is quickly begun to hide the entire thing.
I can rip off Monty Python with the best of them.

Johnny takes this oppurtunity to inform his partner that the game is over. Kakaru, who hasn't fired a shot yet is of course concerned over Vegas' admittance of defeat. Vegas explains that he had stopped building scvs. Kakaru is, however able to convince him not to give up just yet. They are both now pumping infantry units and preparing for an attack. The smurfs however have their own plans. They have developed a new type of invisible smurf. In fact each protoss commander has 2 of these assassins developed to strike fear into the hearts of the terran commanders.

It is working quite nicely for one of the terran commanders who when kakaru asked if they should go, replies with the two letters many a player has frantically typed to his partner: "dt". However, with Kakaru's response "So?" Johnny, who has built a missile turret just outside his base near the natural, presumably to begin a missile turret push across the map, decides that he will have to trust his luck to the comsat. Both terran commanders send out their infantry accompanied by a couple of Vegas' scv's. As they head towards smurf teritory, .PapaSmurf. has expaned to the 12:00 base inbetween the two 'toss commanders' mains and .$peedySmurf. appears to be expanding to his natural.

Go terran, Yeah!

Firebats own dragoons. Johnny_Vegas' troops arrive first consisting of medics, marines, firebats and scvs and easily start beating up on the 6 zealots and dragoon stationed for defense outside of $peedy's base. However, marines are mysteriously being turned into red splotches on the map at the same time. Then a comsat Do you see the dt in this picture?  Yeah neither do I.  Bastard didn't share vision. by UpgradedKakaru whose similair blend of troops are right behind, remedies the situation. However, as the troops push forward and up the ramp and kakru tells Johnny that he has the next comsat, 2 of Papa's dts start swiping at marines and more red blotches appear. When Kakaru orders Vegas to "SAT", Johnny's response is "can't." Whether this is due to a broken "s" key or his reluctance to reveal his standardized test scores I still do not know. Regardless, a I think I can, I think I can... blue fairy dust appears on the scene shortly thereafter and the menace is eliminated.

This is a mini map.  This is a battle report.  You are the one reading this.

Without any more cloaked fiends to impede their progress the terran forces move into the base and promptly begin raping it. As they move, Johnny makes sure to use his scv's to build bunkers and turrets in Math.random() locations. $peedy then manages to come up with one of the lamer more confusing excuses I have heard, saying someting about how he thought it was 2v2v2v2, before leaving the game. Papa then tells his human opponents Great, now tool is confused again. not to worry about $peedy and hunkers down for a 2v1.

The terran commanders decide, rather than destroying the now neutral buildings, to try their luck with the remaining protoss. However several well placed cannons at Papa's expansion designed to slaughter marines as they cross the bridge combined with the fear of those 'toss mass infantry killers convince Team Human to hold off on the attacks for a bit. These fears are not unfounded as several freshly trained high templars are stationed about the remaining smurf empire. Papa also expands to his natural and constructs a stargate at his first expansion. Meanwhile the terran commanders each begin working on the production of tanks. They also each begin an expansion at their natural and Kakaru expands again to the base between them. Back outside of Papa's expansion, Vegas who will henceforth be called bunker boy builds two bunkers and loads them up with the infantry that is still milling around outside the dead protoss' base.

Jose says tank push, no I'm serious.

die goons The terran commanders now each begin the slow and incredibly abnoxious process known as the tank push. Vegas begins next to his two Vegas cleverly micros his tanks and marines to take out the probes while 1 wraith and 2 firebats deal with the last remaining cannon. bunkers outside of Papas first expansion and pushes eastward, while Kakaru seiges Papa's natural from the south. First the 12:00 expansion and then the natural fall as tanks plow through the cannon, templar defense. A couple of psionic storms are gotten off but nothing it seems can stop the push. The stargate at 12:00 is taken out before producing any units. As a huge force of tanks and infantry assembles in Papa's natural Vegas nukes the ramp in the ultimate example of overkill.

What an asshole.

What a mess. Still much of the infantry is lost as they try to run up the ramp until tanks can finally get seiged in Papa's base and end the templar threat. As the two terrans push into the main, Papa fights it to the very end. Vegas is building bunkers everywhere though and locking down probes with his bored ghosts. Kakaru admires Johnny's Math.random() bunker strategy so much that he builds his own. Papa's last gateway is finally taken down and the game is won in favor of Team Human. Yeah Humans!

The same reason you're compelled to hold your mouse
over every picture and wait and see if something pops up...

Lessons Learned

1. Never sign a contract without a lawer. Especially if you are little and blue.

2. Don't give up just because your cheese bunker strategy didn't work.

3. When UpgradedKakaru says SAT, he means comsat not Scholastic Apptitude Test.

4. Johnny_Vegas' real name is bunker boy.

Lessons Not Quite Learned

1. The best way to get a good rating is not making fun of site administrators.

Game Statistics

# of Tank Pushes: 1

# of confused observers: 1

# of offensive bunkers: 33

The Mini Map

For your mindless entertainment pleasure.


All of the afore mentioned players can kick my ass in starcraft. I mock them for your entertainment's sake only.

A WC3 production

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