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"Don't give Shockwave any beer."

Family Reunions are FUN!!!!
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Date: 11/03/99 09:11
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 9.6, # of Ratings: 5, Max: 10, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for Eggfoo-young: 8.4706

Twas the dawn sun shining on the snow as darkness enveloped the planet. The darkness slowly invaded this bright land full of newly packed snow and trembling Ursadons. But a new tremble began as the lonely Ursadons lived completely oblivious to the terror that would strike. And as the dust settled this land was bestowed two new races. Each race with two commanders; this was to be the battle to settle the snow. This is to be WINTER CONQUEST DUKES OF HAZARD STYLE!

In the north and north east mineral sections the p-ohhhh-lease set up camp and prepared for the inevitable. Across the map two Terran's started up their General Lee's and established mining colonies and the necessary things to defend their moonshine business. Players will be colored according to team. Terrans are red, Protoss are blue.

The Dukes (Terrans)

Luke Duke (Storminator/T_mac)(TEAL 6:00):
Choosing Terran, Storminator begins in the South and chooses to tech. He goes 8 depot, gas, barracks at ramp, followed by another depot to form a defensive wall. Hoping to utilize the seiging possibilities of this particular map, Storminator immediately builds a factory with machine shop and follows up with a starport with control tower. Storminator prepares to do the dreaded tank drop.

Bo Duke (Dictator-Lewis/King-Lewis)(YELLOW 7:30):
Letting fates decide his race, Dictator-Lewis chooses random and draws Terran. Storminator and Dictator-Lewis round out the Terran allies. Dictator-Lewis doesn't fall into Storminator's mistake and builds his first supply depot at his ramp. Also going standard 8 depot, gas, barracks, depot, factory with machine shop, and finally a starport with control tower. Before action begins Dictator-Lewis has wraiths, seige tanks, and marines galore.

The p-O-lice (Protoss)

Boss Hogg (Papa'Smurf/Fizban)(ORANGE 12:00):
Papa'Smurf also chooses random and the fates decide to have a game of two Terran vs two Toss; one of the largest disputed matchups. Papa'Smurf decides to go 8 probe, pylon, gateway, gas, gate, pylon, and a core. At his natural, beside his base he sets up a pylon, builds a nexus, and a forge for cannons. Preparing for battle, Papa'Smurf builds temps.

Rosco P. Cotrain(CrisseDeMarde)(GREEN 3:00):

Opting for random, CrisseDeMarde is blessed with Protoss. He builds 8 probes, pylon, gate, gate, pylon, gas, cybernetics core and pylon. He goes for a Robotics Facility. CrisseDeMarde prepares reavers before the first drop of blood be shed in battle.

As the game begins (Narrated by Waylon Jennings himself):
Each side decided to guard their land and learn themselves some new technology. Each team talks a lot as the game progresses and them silly Duke boys started actin' like they from Canada, sayin all them "eh"'s and stuff. But they shut that up once Daisy Walked in and they realized that ain't no Canadian's ever been good enough for a southern belle like her; even though she was their sister.

Now, as the games started out, Luke looked pretty small compared to his brother Bo, but that sure didn't last. See, Luke was building up for something big, Bo was massing those small units. The police were spreading up north with Boss Hogg taking his nat'ral expansion. Rosco sends out a reaver and a goon in one of them there shuttles but Bo's invisible wraiths take care of that problem and the Duke's territory is safe again.

Luke sends a dropship to seige up Boss Hogg, but the dropship gets taken down by the man. But Luke ain't gonna give up quite yet, no sirree. He sends another out and cleans out some of Boss Hogg's probes, his gas collecting contraption, a pylon, and a cannon. Boss Hogg, calls up a friend of his called High Templar who sends storms raining down over the units. Rosco , being the slow sheriff he is, finally gets his shuttle over to the scene, but again the Dukes tuck tail and run suffering the loss of their seige tanks.

The Dukes are about to hit their hardest moment in the game as Boss Hogg finally does something right for a change. Bo sends about 8 wraiths over to Rosco's base but Boss Hogg calls up on that High Templar fellow and he hurts them duke boys good. Just one psi and Bo lost all his wraiths.

The Dukes however start up the General Lee and start moving their Command Centers to the center expansions. Boss Hogg spreads his greed some more and expands to the 10:00. Rosco expands his police station to his natural and starts mining there. Other then the little skirmishes, there ain't been any big squabble's 'tween the Dukes and the police, but that's all about to change. Deeeeestruction begins as the police send three observers down to the Duke's center expansions but the Dukes outsmart ole' Boss Hogg again. They been thinking ahead and all those turrets they've been building start to pay off now as the observers pop like a pair of horny frogs during the Fourth of July.

The Dukes decide to take the law in their own hands as Bo moves out to Boss Hogg's 10:00 expansion. Luke helps with 2 seige tanks that he dropped just 'fore the battle and Bo files in. Between the two of them, serious damage occured. Boss Hogg sends up his zealots and a High Templar to save his expansion and they end up fighting side by side with Rosco's 14 goons and 6 zeals. Boss Hogg misses most his psi's, but he only delayed his victory a little bit over there as the Dukes quickly fall to the might of the p-O-lice.

The p-O-lice defenders move out and decide they want to arrest Bo cause word got out 'bout the Duke's moonshine buisness. The skies turn grey for Bo, but his brother Luke sends some seige tanks to help. But 'fore the seige tanks could be dropped, Bo mysteriously defeated the police; it seems that Bo had hidden some wraiths up his sleeves. Well, that did the p-o-lice attack in. The Dukes did lose a pair of tanks, some scv's, Bo's expansion, but got to keep all the roadkill from the increased traffic. Mmmmmm....mmmmmmm.... ain't nothing like some good ole' country possum! Call up Shufford's Bar-be-que, we're havin' a hoe-down tonight!

Rosco wasn't worried the slightest with the decrease in the possum population, no sir. He took to expanding at the 4:00 main, righ next to Luke. Luke, just after Rosco got his stuff settled in and began mining, seiges up that expansion and shows some real southern generosity to Rosco.

Boss Hogg wasn't one to lose quietly, he sent down seven zealots, a scout, and a corsair to eradicate Bo. But Bo spent the time rebuilding and had almost enough to take out the invaders. Boss Hogg got behind his defenses and dwebbed some tanks, the thing is that his zealots just stood inside the dweb which was on several tanks. Now, Bo wasn't thinking since he was moving his seige tanks out of the dweb causing their death. One last tank stayed in and was guarded by four zealots, there were others attacking buildings but four were right next to the tank. But the tank picked up it's bags, and moved out of the dweb after a while. Bo certainly wasn't on his game today. Just as it seemed that Bo was going to fall, he pumps out two goliaths and the Boss Hogg's air force falls like Gerald Ford in an earthquake. Luke takes the forces he was using to seige Rosco and moves them to Bo to help, but Bo has the situation in hand so Luke's forces sit by and guard Bo's base.

Rosco just doesn't know when to give up, good thing Boss Hogg was there to come up with the plans. Rosco sends some police, about 7 goons and 5 zeals, to Bo's base and splits them up.

Rosco is real enthusiastic about this attack.
Some go through the front door, while others get dropped in the back and storm through near Bo's refinery contraption. This force, just like the last one, slowly gets picked away by the thin forces throughout Bo's base. Boss Hogg sends down a cocktail of his own to Bo's center expansion; he drops some zealots and a templar and sends in corsairs and scouts to make for some mean scrappin' in that there center location.

Bo pulls more wraiths from up his sleeve and weaves through two psi-storms conjured up by Boss Hogg's high templar friend. Bo's wraiths kick ole' Boss Hogg out of that center location quicker then a gerbil runs out of a gay bar.

Now, Luke's been sittin' back all quiet like lately which is quite peculiar. But nothing was peculiar about Luke's 5 dropships full of seige tanks and goliaths and science vessel moving up to Rosco's main at 2:00. The drop happens and Rosco sends up some carriers. Luke tells his goliaths to pick em off one by one and they finish one of the carriers off 'fore they turn tail and run. Then some wraiths come in and finish another off. The two remaining veteran carriers and a new one go up and destroy Luke's forces in his main. But ole' Rosco was feeling the pain, half his main was in ruins.


Luke didn't back off after that either. In what had to be the determining point of the game, Luke followed up his first attack on Rosco's main with a drop on Rosco's 4:00 expansion. Boss Hogg tries to help with some zealots but they're popped by the seige tanks as they scurry 'round Rosco's buildings. The carriers come down with two scouts and a corsair and clean up Luke's forces and the marines Bo just dropped down. Luke sends down 10 goliaths and two seige tanks which take out a carrier, two scouts, and a corsair. WHoooooooo-eeeeeeeeeee there was a lot of goliaths there. Rosco then tries to drop something but Luke's got that place sewn up tighter then the hole on a colostomy patient.

Luke packs up his bags and takes out Boss Hogg's expansion at 10:00. Rosco then builds a nexus at the natural of the expansion which was just blown away by them Duke boys. That friend of Boss Hogg's, the High Templar fellar, seems to have been doing a little bit of drinkin as he psi's everywhere but on Luke's forces. Luke pulls a 180, and heads for Boss Hogg's 12:00 natural at his main. Well... his troops just march on through to their death, but not before taking Boss Hogg's natural out on the way. At this time Bo finishes up that cheap little expansion Rosco was trying to pull off. But when Bo's troops came in they found a bunch of probes just sittin' there waiting for the cows to come home. Right when Bo started fire, the probes got up and finally started mining, but it was too late. After Bo finished up Rosco's little outpost at 4:00, he moved up to 2:00 and started pounding on Rosco's front door. His natural was destroyed 'fore he gave up. Luke sends a final assault to Boss Hogg. Finally a well placed psi or two but it's too little too late as the Dukes claim victory.

Now, what have we learned here?
    If you got chi'dren runnin round, frogs will pop on Fourth of July. Trust me on that one.
    For one, if you've been sipping moonshine all day, don't expect those templars to do damn thing to help you.
    And another thing, once you get the advantage, keep poundin' at em.
    If you go to a family reunion, don't drink too much moonshine or you'll git dem loops in yer kinfolk tree.
    Dweb is funny. If you dweb tanks, don't run in zealots. They won't attack that hunk o' steel. If they dweb you and run in zealots, keep you units in the dweb. Now, ain't that simple?
    It's hard to talk all this english stuff if you only got two teeth
    Making fun of rednecks nev'r gets old

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