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How Canadians are Ruining the Battlenet
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Date: 09/12/99 03:09
Game Type: Starcraft
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Report Rating: 9.8, # of Ratings: 4, Max: 10, Min: 9
Lifetime Rating for YourRoleModel: 9.3626
The Preliminaries:
It was getting late and I had just finished chatting with Johnny_Vegas about various little projects. Johnny wanted to play a game, and I was more than happy to enjoy a win as his partner before going to bed.

For some reason though, we (Johnny) decided to wander into NWTR and ran into Orc-Maniac and King-Lewis. Although I didnít know it at the time, Orc-Maniac and King-Lewis are from Quebec... this will come into play later as I use a wonderful tool called "stereotyping" to define the world around me without fuss or muss. Now Johnny says to me, "Well, they kicked Mark4 and me all around the map the other day, so weíre gonna lose this one..." (or something close to that) Unlike players who havenít played me and think I might be good, Johnny knows the truth. While I truly do stink in team games, one on one, free for all, or any other variation, I am pretty good at dodging sure losses at midnight on a work night. Therefore, when Whoop asked to watch the game, I saw my opportunity to weasel out of a beating.

"If Whoop teams with Johnny_Vegas, Iíll report the game!"

Orc-Maniacís been wanting to see his name in an animated GIF. His desire to be in a YRM report spared my sorry carcass a horrible beating.

The Battle Lines:
Both Whoop and Johnny_Vegas are from Southern California, which, if I remember my geography lessons correctly, is somewhere in California. Orc-Maniac and King-Lewis are friends in real life in the snooty, separatist province of Quebec... which I believe is the capital of France, located near the Amazon River somewhere in Asia. My good old USA education also allowed me to make the following observations:

1 - Whoop and Johnny both are tan with cutoff jeans and a tye-dye shirt. They say, ďDuudeĒ alot.
2 - Orc-Maniac and King-Lewis speak French, so must be snotty and wear berets with turtlenecks.

Clearly, the Californians are the good guys in this scenario... so the only question that remains is:

Is Whoop good enough to carry a mere ďnohuntersĒ player to victory against two beer guzzlen Canadians, eh?

Sit back and find out as YourRoleModel presents:

The contest took place on DarkTemple, which is kind of like LostTemple... only itís dark and has been found. What happened I think, is that it took them all day to find the Temple... and night fell. Oh yeah, and they fixed the 12:00 spot to allow for a Terran add-on at the expansion.

Johnny_Vegas started as Terran at the 12:00 spot and his partner Whoop started as Protoss in the 9:00 spot. Orc and King played as Terran and Protoss in the 3:00 and 9:00 spots respectively. Both teams are a mixture of the same races, so no cries of "imbalance" shall be indulged...

This game would truly decide, once and for all, which country was the best in the world, not just at Starcraft, but at everything... USA? or Canada? Knowing that EVERYTHING was at stake here and going to be reported, both teams were slightly shaken. As always, Iíve included maps that will help Generation-Xers picture the stuff that words are describing... a must now-a-days. (LOOK AT THE PRETTY PICTURES OK?)

The Early Game:
The game began and the build up commenced, I think that all of the players scouted. Whoop and Johnny_Vegas were doing standard builds of double gate and double barracks respectively.

Both King_Lewis and Orc-Maniac seemed to be heading for early tech. Johnny expressed terror that heíd been scouted by an SCV and cried out to Whoop in panic. King had a gate and a forge coming in... looks like turtle and tech to me.

Orc looked to be going for that Heavy-Metal Terran strategy that I invented... er... yeah. Orc had that early gas kicking, but his was a plan of deception, and he built another barracks. Unfortunately for Orc, another scout checked his base and saw the barracks.

The standard amount of time to produce about five zealots passed. Whoop ordered an attack on Orc-Maniacís Terran. Johnny_Vegas was quick to respond to the barked orders with a group of about eight or nine marines. Whoop called out another order, "If thereís a bunker, Iíll run past!"

Indeed Orc DID have a bunker at his choke, but he also had firebats slightly behind and off to the side of that bunker. Without those firebats, the zealots would have ran past and killed everything on the ground, but in this case, the bunker dealt death to Johnnyís brave marines and the firebats roasted some Zealots for the barbecue. Itís a good thing that Orc didnít need help, because King_Lewis only had about three zealots at the time.

You know what? I have relatives in Toronto... itís a great place to visit. It really wouldnít be so bad if Canada won this match because I like Canada right? Having family there sort of makes me Canadian doesnít it? Go Quebec!!!

With no cannons at home, Whoop knew that heíd be a target of a double rush with firebats involved. Whoop screamed out, "Send me marines NOW!!!" Marines rushed over to Whoopís base, but the attack never came. Why? Well, Orc actually suggested that very attack, but King didnít have enough zealots to properly assist, and they decided to wait until another opportunity presented itself. King was only about a minute away from having reavers anyway. King told Orc, "Je vais au reaver."

See?? Heís too good to speak English! Go USA!

Johnny_Vegas had been making liberal use of comstat, and discovered the robotics bay at Lewisís base on the southern plateau. Whoop ordered up another attack on King Lewis, and Johnny scanned Lewisís choke. "Three cannons, bad!" yelled Johnny. Whoop asked how many Zealots... Johnny told him that he saw three (there were six though). After some hesitation, the rush on King_Lewis was called off. Johnny and Whoop held an assault force of marines, medics and zealots in the middle of the map.

Kingís reavers and observers began to come on-line, and his majesty sent an observer northwest over Whoopís base. Whoop had one cannon near his probes in the south, and itís surrounded by buildings, there are a few troops hanging around, and a couple more at his choke. There really wasnít anywhere that King can drop and kill probes before his reavers die... at least, not for sure... and King apparently decided not to take the risk. A minute later, Whoop also had reavers, and checked Orc-Maniacís base... no holes... Whoop also decided not to drop. For a brief moment, there was calm while the players expand to their naturals. Johnny was the last to expand, but he had a terrible trick up his sleeve. I took pictures of the mineral gatherers at work at various points during the game, perhaps we can gain a bit of insight to the players... lets take a look...

Meanwhile in Vegas:
Johnny_Vegas began what looked like a Turbo-Newbie on his own cliff, but his tank was as close to Orc-Maniacís gas as possible.

You canít hit the 3:00 gas from the 12:00 cliff with a tank can you? Well, the tank wasnít firing... Johnny then built a bunker and tower and set up another tank. Then his wraith flew south to give his tank vision of the gas... BOOOM! Well, well! I guess you can hit the gas after all! Orc-Maniac dropped tanks, scvs and marines on the very upper left of the map, hoping to stop the assault on his gas, but Johnny had more wraiths, and the attacking position held. Orc-Maniac was only going to be able to get gas from one source... unless Orcís CC float to the southern island was successful, things didnít look good for the Canadians. Johnny had quite a fleet of wraiths and a mixture of tanks and infantry too.

Meanwhile, Whoop finally found a place to do a reaver drop. King_Lewisís natural was the target. King hadnít brought the base fully on-line yet, and there were a bunch of zealots standing guard there, but it didnít matter to Whoop. He dropped and killed a bunch of zealots before retreating his reaver over the southeast island for safety and to check for an expansion there.

Hahaha! Go USA! I knew that we had better players than Canada. Let this be a lesson folks... never lose faith in the good old American boys from southern California!

About this time, King-Lewis fortified his own cliff against a Turbo-Newbie and sent out a dark templar to cause mischief. When the dark templar reached the middle of the map and found the gathering of Whoopís zealots and Johnnyís marines, the silent killer went to work on the Terran infantry forces. Many forces were butchered before Johnny could scan and scare the templar away.

Whoop meanwhile, was expanding to his mineral only natural, and sent a contingent of troops over to protect it. Johnny_Vegas had discovered Orc-Maniac's attempt to float a command center to the southern island and destroyed the command center. Things were still not looking good for Team Canada. The Quebecers would have to act fast...

The Killing Fields:
Our French spewing antagonists were building up though, and without warning, they ordered a huge number of marines, medics, tanks, zealots, dragoons, and shuttled reavers into the center to take control of the game. Whoop and Johnny were moving south to attack King, and their forces were caught stretched out and unprepared. I donít know if Iíve ever seen so much carnage in a Broodwar game when zerg werenít involved... Orc and King were getting the better of it too, and by a large margin. Whoop was mining in full force at his mineral only natural, but was in serious jeopardy there. Whoop began warping in five more gateways at his main, bringing his total to ten gates, but it became apparent that they wouldnít be contributing for a couple of minutes.

This picture is only a mere sample of the bloodbath that must have lasted for several minutes of game time:

King_Lewis even managed to start an a expansion on the southeast island during this period of total war. At the same time, he managed his troops in the battle. Whoop did alot of damage with storms and clever use of his forces, Johnnyís wraiths and infantry helped where they could... still, Orc and King pushed all the way to the mineral natural of Whoop and began to take it down. They had lost alot of forces to tanks and storms, but by my estimation, they had killed at almost a 2 to 1 ratio.

You really do have to give those Canadians credit. My ancestors, from Italy, also have a large population in Canada. Really, when you look at it like that... I am Canadian sort of. Right? Besides, do I really want a product of California high schools representing America? Johnny_Vegas seems smart, but thatís only because he MOVED to California. Go Quebec!!!

Macroholics Anonymous:
About this time however, Whoopís TEN gateways were all on-line. Whoop was mining like a fiend out of all three of his bases still, and his re-enforcements took down the remains of the Canadian push. Well, Whoop did have alot of help from Johnnyís ever growing, very mobile wraith squadron, and Orc-Maniac had not been able to upgrade his forces (other than +1 attack on ground vehicles) due to the loss of his main gas supply. Johnny, Whoop and King were much farther along with their upgrades. Johnnyís massive wraith squadron was able to find and take down King-Lewisís island almost immediately after fending off the attack on Whoop. Johnny and Whoop began a push into King_Lewisís natural.

Just so you know Iím not fooliní... hereís a shot of the kind of Macro production that makes Whoop the player he is today:

It looks like Whoop and Johnny have the game folks, and you know what? It just goes to show you what Iíve been saying all along... USA is the best country in the world at everything. I never doubted our heroes from Southern California for one minute. Canadians are good at video games because theyíre very good at sitting for long periods of time saying, ďeh?Ē That advantage wouldnít be enough to overcome the superior skills of the citizens of my home country. (the music ďProud to be an AmericanĒ starts in the background)

Orc-Maniac to the Rescue:
The attack on King-Lewisís natural failed. Why? Orc-Maniac was able to send a mop up force of crack terran infantry after King had caused heavy losses to Whoop and Johnny. King was able to order all of his probes back to work... Whatís more, Johnny had run out of minerals at his main base... you saw a picture of this earlier. His probes were doing nothing but sitting around listening to Kid Rock... oh well, at least they were cool. Orc eventually took back the rights to the gas supply at his main, and it looked like it could come down to a very close fight, possibly in the Canadianís favor.

Perhaps I spoke too soon earlier... you know I was just kidding about not rooting for Canada right? They have the best Greek restaurants in Toronto after all... Mmm mmm good! Mario Lemieux himself was born in Canada, yet took my home city to two Stanley Cups... doesnít that sort of make me an honorary Canadian? Nine out of Ten California highschool students surveyed thought Quebec was the capital of Ethiopia, somewhere in south America, and we should just, "Invade them and take them over." The other one out of the ten asked, "Whoís Quebec? Isnít he the host of Jeapordy?" Besides, my role model, Chris Jericho, is from Winnepeg...

Kicking Ass and Taking Names:
Whoop, being as streetwise and cool as he is, ordered an attack on Orc-Maniacís budding mineral only natural. Troops are produced fast with... ohmygosh, Whoop even has the northern island now... 10 gateways and three running mineral sources.

Huge numbers of tanks, wraiths, dragoons and archons rolled over OrcManiacís mineral natural. Orcís ghosts fought valiently back, locking down Johnnyís tank push into his first natural. Johnny simply D-Matrixed the locked units to keep them alive. Whoop was ready with, as he called it, "Gay Web" on hand, and the force proceeded to Orcís other natural. Despite no penalty for losing under Use Map Settings, the Canadian scum disconnected on purpose. Johnny lamented, "Now weíll never know who won!" Donít worry Johnny, Iíll make the call for you.

As troops redirected their attacks towards King Lewis, it was only a matter of time before he fell before the onslaught. Kingís base was hit with a barrage of plasma and gauss fire, and finally, King Lewis surrendered with a call of, "Good game".

It all just makes me want to sing...

Iím proud to be an American, where at least I know Iím free, and Iíd like to thank Johnny_Vegas and Whoop, who gave that right to me... and I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today... cause there ainít no doubt, I love Starcraft.. weíre the best country that plaaaysss!

Lessons Learned:
A - Take advantage of your resources by having production to match. Whoop teaches a lesson or two to players that are considered to be at least competent at Macro.

B - Stereotypes are great! Usem when you donít feel like thinking too hard.

C - Starcraft is a great way to determine the overall value of people and the country they live in.

D - Always stick with your team, through thick and thin... like I do.

E - If you canít tell sarcasm when you see it, please get off the internet and go back to school. Obviously, every country bashing comment here was in good humor and not to be taken seriously for those few of you who can't seem to tell. For everyone else, have a nice day. I hope you enjoyed this report of what was the best 2-2 game I've had the honor to watch.

Minimap Battle:
As always, I kick ass and bring to you... THE MINIMAP BATTLE!

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