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"Anyone who can take 600+ casualties and win is a 100% pure, homogenized, accept-no-substitutes Grade A bad-ass."

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Well, I'm sure you all know Desert Demon, either from beating him in Starcraft (;p) or from his high quality battlereports, the best of which may be found here. But do you know this reporter? I think not! And I'm here to help you learn.

If that introduction didn't do it for you, how about something from the man himself?

"AFKlord: DD is teh awesome. You should care because he is more teh awesome than you. LOLOLOL. And he's awesome."

You can't argue with that kind of logic, can you folks? You should also be on the lookout for an upcoming Rook's Corner Report featuring DD, which will come out as soon as my lazy ass finishes it.

maareek 03: k, interview time!

maareek 03: name?

AFKlord: ...A******* V********

AFKlord: (kex owned by much letters)

maareek 03: k, so "DD lolz"

maareek 03: will suffice

AFKlord: asdf

AFKlord: :P

AFKlord: I prefer

AFKlord: "Le Des"

AFKlord: or

maareek 03: fav sexual position?

maareek 03: kk

AFKlord: mm

AFKlord: something tantric

AFKlord: I am, after all, indian

maareek 03: indeed

AFKlord: and therefore have the Kama Sutra at my fingertips

maareek 03: favorite reporter

AFKlord: hmmmmmmm...

maareek 03: yes but, so do us americans ;p

AFKlord: can I say me?

maareek 03: you can

maareek 03: but you'll look like an ass

AFKlord: yeah but you can't read sanskrit

AFKlord: well I am an ass

maareek 03: k, will do

AFKlord: but

AFKlord: if I had to pick someone else

AFKlord: I'd say...Jamellan

maareek 03: me?

maareek 03: k

maareek 03: newb

AFKlord: or if he doesn't count Prae

maareek 03: moving along

AFKlord: but he did a few

AFKlord: reports

AFKlord: that werent EELM

AFKlord: anyway

AFKlord: moving along

maareek 03: favorite non-DD report

maareek 03: for posterity's sake

AFKlord: hm

AFKlord: ww3 way ffa

AFKlord: probably

maareek 03: good choice

maareek 03: obvious...but good

AFKlord: :P

maareek 03: least-favorite form of hindu

maareek 03: ;p

AFKlord: mm

AFKlord: most of them, actually

AFKlord: I don't really like indians :D

maareek 03: ball-buster

AFKlord: btw, on that last question

maareek 03: self-hatred

maareek 03: is not good for penis size

AFKlord: are we including only real reports?

AFKlord: yeah like you should talk about penis size

maareek 03: depends on what "real reports" means

AFKlord: Parabola Fish is my favorite piece of writing

maareek 03: k, that counts ;-)

AFKlord: but it's not, by the classical definition, a "battle report"

AFKlord: k

maareek 03: now for the hard questions

AFKlord: k

maareek 03: have you ever fantasized about johnny finishing up and actually making the new site?

AFKlord: would be nice but I haven't fantasized about it

maareek 03: and if so, how long until I got into the hall of fame :p

maareek 03: moving along then

AFKlord: HoF = 20 some years for you

maareek 03: kk

AFKlord: i.e. when you get photoshop

maareek 03: since quitting bw (newb)

maareek 03: lol

AFKlord: asdf

maareek 03: how many other games have you played

AFKlord: uhh

maareek 03: and what were they

AFKlord: I played some Doom3

AFKlord: I played some uhh...Halo 2

maareek 03: <3

maareek 03: gosu game

AFKlord: going to a Halo 2 LAN next saturday, actually

AFKlord: and I played "Real Life"

AFKlord: that one is hard

maareek 03: haven't heard of that

maareek 03: but then, I'm a bw freak not much of a gamer outside of that

AFKlord: yeah it's one of those immersive games

AFKlord: yeah

maareek 03: must be indian

maareek 03: moving along

maareek 03: best player you faced in bw

AFKlord: mmm

maareek 03: (Brownie points for saying maar

AFKlord: DeadVogt over at TA

AFKlord: yeah I beat you tho :D

maareek 03: fu ;p

maareek 03: editing that out

AFKlord: lol

AFKlord: gg

maareek 03: ^^

AFKlord: DeadVogt tho was awesome

AFKlord: dunno if he still plays though

maareek 03: address, phone number, which room are you in?

AFKlord: no

maareek 03: kk

AFKlord: :D

AFKlord: only because ender might come and he's scary looking

maareek 03: will you be making a spectacular return to bw in the near future?

maareek 03: rofl

AFKlord: uhh

AFKlord: not that I know of

maareek 03: hasu

AFKlord: but

maareek 03: anyway

AFKlord: maybe in a year or something

maareek 03: kk

maareek 03: favorite actress

AFKlord: mmmm

AFKlord: y'know I never learned any of their names

maareek 03: or seen their faces?

AFKlord: well

AFKlord: I didn't see the scary chick in The Ring's face cuz I was like

AFKlord: "wtf this is some scary shit"

maareek 03: lol

AFKlord: and it was like midnight and the lights were off

AFKlord: and the volume was off

maareek 03: yeah, I found that movie scary too...but I'm a pansy

AFKlord: and I was reading the subtitles

AFKlord: and then

maareek 03: lol

AFKlord: I closed my eyes and was like "shit I don't know what's going on"

maareek 03: gg you

AFKlord: yeah

maareek 03: k, hardest questions now

AFKlord: k

maareek 03: do you think you will ever write a good report

maareek 03: J/k

AFKlord: umm

AFKlord: probably not

maareek 03: ^^

AFKlord: now that I don't play anything

maareek 03: well, you haven't done too bad so far

AFKlord: why, thank you!

maareek 03: just keep doing my pix and you'll be fine ;-)

maareek 03: <3

AFKlord: I might delve into the dark dark world of fanfics

maareek 03: please don't...unless one of your characters

maareek 03: resembles a floridian hick named maar

AFKlord: :P

AFKlord: "y'all hear?"

maareek 03: :p

maareek 03: more importantly, do you think I will ever write a good report?

maareek 03: (I caps locked to do I for effect btw)

maareek 03: /time

AFKlord: uhh

maareek 03: or not

AFKlord: no, actually :D

AFKlord: lol maar

maareek 03: fu

AFKlord: well you already have

AFKlord: you just do those pic things

AFKlord: and I'm like "wtf owned by pics"

maareek 03: yes well

maareek 03: that's only because

maareek 03: you = me

maareek 03: and you're jealous

AFKlord: but when I do your pics it should be kick awesome

maareek 03: moving along

AFKlord: I wouldn't be jealous if I were your equal, I'd be trying to get into bed with you

maareek 03: do you think this interview should end soon?

maareek 03: ahh, well

maareek 03: it's a small bed

AFKlord: nah I've got like

AFKlord: 15 minutes left

maareek 03: kk

AFKlord: before I have to go to this play

maareek 03: damn long 15 minutes of fame btw

maareek 03: hacker

AFKlord: :P

AFKlord: you know what's freaky?

maareek 03: wak's mom lol?

AFKlord: seeing your best friend's gf wearing short shorts

AFKlord: and tight shirt

AFKlord: it's one of those moral dillemas

maareek 03: and having to pretend you're not interested?

AFKlord: yeah

maareek 03: not if you have loose morals ;-)

maareek 03: moving along

AFKlord: but then she's in one of my classes so I ogle her a lot anyway ;D

maareek 03: last time you hit on your best friends girlfriend was...?

AFKlord: umm

maareek 03: rofl

maareek 03: nice

AFKlord: never :P

AFKlord: I've talked to her like

AFKlord: twice

AFKlord: both times with him there

maareek 03: ahh

maareek 03: that's...

maareek 03: something

maareek 03: moving along

AFKlord: :P

maareek 03: if you could be any type of fly

maareek 03: what type of fly would you be

AFKlord: mm

maareek 03: (say fruit) ;p

AFKlord: horsefly

maareek 03: damn blood drinking bastard...

AFKlord: you're not funny :P

maareek 03: next question

maareek 03: college of choice?

AFKlord: uhh

AFKlord: damned if I know

AFKlord: whoever will take me

maareek 03: that's a good school

maareek 03: i hear jacko has an opening...

maareek 03: god that's wrong

maareek 03: moving along

AFKlord: perv

AFKlord: :P

maareek 03: indeed

AFKlord: I have two openings

AFKlord: well, six

AFKlord: if you count my nostrils and ears

maareek 03: hotter women: asian, european, latin?

AFKlord: I like european

maareek 03: and eyes foo

maareek 03: kk

AFKlord: Asian reminds me too much of me

AFKlord: Latin people talk too fast for me to understand :[

AFKlord: Europeans have funny accents tho

AFKlord: hmm

AFKlord: but European

AFKlord: is my pick

maareek 03: stranded on a desert isle: do you take food or a woman?

AFKlord: mm

maareek 03: interestingly enough, you die either way

AFKlord: woman

AFKlord: because

AFKlord: first

AFKlord: sex

AFKlord: and all

AFKlord: then I'd kill her and eat her

maareek 03: rofl

maareek 03: good answer

maareek 03: you cannibal

AFKlord: :D

AFKlord: I'm not savage, I'm ethnic

maareek 03: mattz invites you to a party

maareek 03: do you go?

AFKlord: no

maareek 03: good boy

AFKlord: mattz is just scary

AFKlord: if mattz was a girl I still wouldn't go ;o

maareek 03: johnny offers you admin of, do you take it and put yourself in hof voting? Or do you take it and give me full control of site?

maareek 03: lol

AFKlord: I take it, then vanish for like

AFKlord: 5 years

AFKlord: and when I finally turn up again

maareek 03: so, you act like johnny?

AFKlord: it's to blow up the world with my newfound hidden part of powers!!!!!

AFKlord: or something

maareek 03: (No offense, JV, we <3 you ;-) )

AFKlord: I mean I suck at on the spot drama, you know?

AFKlord: yeah JV is the man

AFKlord: I'd actually probably take and and be like "man I can't code php" and break the forum

AFKlord: I did that to my forum once

maareek 03: lol

AFKlord: I also banned myself from my forum

AFKlord: I had to go into the db and get myself off the banlist

maareek 03: You can bring back one old reporter...who is it?

AFKlord: uhh

AFKlord: CynicalMagician :o

AFKlord: or Jamellan

AFKlord: I'd flip a coin

maareek 03: sounds good

maareek 03: double-headed?

AFKlord: mm

AFKlord: I'm not really into sex toys, actually

AFKlord: oh, you meant the coin?

maareek 03: something like that

AFKlord: no, regular coin

maareek 03: kk

maareek 03: last few questions

AFKlord: :P

maareek 03: Best state to live in

AFKlord: NC, duh

maareek 03: you no fun ;p

AFKlord: gg

maareek 03: hehe

AFKlord: yeah, the gg thing shows how much SC has fucked me up

maareek 03: yes, that it does

maareek 03: but in a good way

maareek 03: because the rest of the world doesn't understand the gosuness of screaming "GG" when someone fucks up

maareek 03: ; )

AFKlord: uhh

AFKlord: I didn't actually say it or anything

AFKlord: just typed it

maareek 03: You can have one book for the rest of your life...what is it

AFKlord: umm

maareek 03: type it, say it whatever

AFKlord: Kama Sutra

AFKlord: :D

maareek 03: nice

AFKlord: actually

AFKlord: probably Robert Lowell's Life Studies

maareek 03: Favorite writer

AFKlord: mm

AFKlord: Huxley I liked

AFKlord: Brave New World was good

maareek 03: sticking with huxley?

AFKlord: yeah, why not

maareek 03: kk

AFKlord: I'm terrible at favoritism :D

maareek 03: indeed

maareek 03: k, last question!

AFKlord: kk

AFKlord: ask the question

AFKlord: so I can go find my belt and prevent my pants from falling down in the theatre

maareek 03: lol

maareek 03: You lose your belt in the theatre

maareek 03: and your pants fall down

maareek 03: do you applaude, or run out?

AFKlord: I say


AFKlord: and then

maareek 03: GFG

AFKlord: I sit down

maareek 03: sounds good

AFKlord: yeah

maareek 03: shoutouts?

AFKlord: all my luvrs

AFKlord: and that kind of thing

AFKlord: umm

AFKlord: I would like to uh

AFKlord: thank um

AFKlord: my parents

AFKlord: and uhh

AFKlord: God

AFKlord: except I'm an atheist

AFKlord: so the lack of God

AFKlord: or something

maareek 03: K, so that concludes this Ashwinterview

AFKlord: you should steal that pic

AFKlord: of T_Mac discing

AFKlord: and be like


maareek 03: rofl

AFKlord: okay

AFKlord: this interview thing is over

maareek 03: indeed

AFKlord: I'm gonna go watch guys in tights